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Just like most human stories, this one just got bigger and more fantastic with each retelling. Nowadays the stories are practically legendary. However, my...companion and I were there so we know what really happened. In all honesty, I don't think Crowley intended for the chap to actually be made a saint...it was just one of his pranks gone awry, but before I get ahead of myself, let me just tell it right from the beginning just as it was.
Patrick wasn't his real name but rather the name he took after his conversion; and that's the name the world knows him by so that's what we will call him. Not much is known about Patrick's early life. I mean, in the beginning he didn't seem all that remarkable so he wasn't paid much mind by either side until he returned to Ireland. If hell hadn't been toying with Ireland at the time with piracy and druidism and.....well, anyway, that's neither here nor there. I do know that at the age of 16, the young Patrick-to-be was captured by pirates and sold into slavery tending sheep. During his six years as a shepherd, he became an intense Christian. He then escaped and returned home, worked to become a bishop and was determined to return to Ireland to combat the paganism there (Hell really was working overtime there. It wasn't even work over there anymore. That was more like a playground for the demons back then).
This is the part where Patrick started to get noticed...by both sides. Technically, I was there first. You see, heaven noticed his noble efforts weren't making much headway so Gabriel dispatched me to bless his work and help him along just a bit. Hell started taking notice when they started losing ground in Ireland. Once religion took hold, it spread fast. That's when Crowley arrived; of course, I didn't realize he was even there at first. I had set myself up as a monk apprentice to Patrick. On that particular day it had been my turn to listen to confessions. (Now, understand, as an angel, I am God's ambassador to Earth....but I have always found mandatory confessions to be quiet tiresome and it must be noted that at this point in history confessions were not a regular occurrence so they tended to take quiet a long time. It was only just beginning to become a private thing for confessions rather than public). On this particular occasion I had tediously been listening to people's sins, blessing them with forgiveness, offering advice for better behavior...without so much as a morsel to eat or drink for hours. When, at last, I thought the last person had left the booth beside me, I leaned my head back and closed my eyes with a sigh. I was peckish, but I was tired. After a couple of peaceful minutes, I heard one more person entering the confessional booth. I quietly sighed again but didn't move or open my eyes. I heard a sharp intake of breath like the person had been taken by surprise or something. Then they spoke.
"Bless me Father, for I have sinned." It was male but the voice was strangely...strangled...or strained somehow.
I still didn't want to move yet. "Yes, what was your sin, my child?"
"Impure thoughts." The voice had changed and took on a very familiar growl. "I want to sink my fangs into a monk."
My eyes flew open and I sharply turned my head to peer through the small opening.
"Crowley! For heavens sake! You...you..."
Crowley was grinning from ear to ear.
"Hiya, angel."
"Oh, you foul serpent, you are!"
Crowley's eyebrows shot up above his small specks as if he had just been challenged.
"Sssserpent am I?" He asked leaning back. "Perhapssss I sssshould sssshow you a sssserpent." With that his corporation began to transform into his other nature. He made himself small enough where he could slither his way through the decorative openings between his booth and mine. As he came into my side, however, he grew bigger until he filled my entire lap and still had his tail in the floor.
Then he slithered his way to the floor via my right leg and wrapped himself several times around both legs, then started back up. He made his way up across my chest to my left shoulder like a sash and wrapped himself loosely around my shoulders and neck. While his head was close to my ear he flicked out his forked tongue again. It tickled and sent shivers down my spine. I bit back a groan at all the physical sensations. For Crowley's part, he lazily made his way back to my lap.
I stared down at Crowley (I have never been afraid of Crowley.....I was more or less....mortified....I mean, he was in my lap, you see). He gave a smug little nod and laid his head down to get comfortable.
"Crowley!" I exclaimed, trying not to be too loud.
He lifted his head again and flicked out his tongue. Even in snake form, I could tell he was trying to pout.
"What'ssss wrong, angel? Do you not like me like thissss way?"
"No, no, nothing like that." I took a steadying breath and raised my voice to be a bit firmer. "But I insist you stop this at once!" I tried to sound angry but all I sounded like was flustered.
Crowley played all innocent. "Sssstop what, angel?" He purred.
Just then I heard hurried footsteps coming towards the confessional booth. To my surprise, Patrick yanked the door open. The look on his face was one of abject horror and his eyes were as big as saucers. (Now I never knew this until that precise moment, but good old saint Patrick was deathly afraid of snakes).
"Don't....don't move!" He ordered. "We are being overrun by demons. Snakes, just like that one have been all over the grounds causing trouble! They are in the wine cellar, the gardens, the sanctuary, the kitchen....everywhere!"
I opened my mouth to say something but clamped it up. I couldn't tell him just how close to the mark he was...but I suspected there had only been one snake in particular going places causing mischief. I looked down at Crowley with a stern look. He winked and flicked his tongue out at me. If ever I wanted to thump him on the nose.....well, anyway.....
"We...we must...must get rid of these...these serpents...these demons!" Patrick was stammering as he backed away. Then he seemed to get an idea. He gathered up his robes. "We must curse them!"
I stood up quickly, forgetting that Crowley was in my lap, until he kerthumped onto the floor. I didn't have time to gather him up properly. I went after Patrick.
"Father," I implored, "I don't think you can actually 'curse' them, per se."
Patrick was running this way and that still trying to make up his mind what to do. He stared at me for a long moment then bolted towards the door.
"Then we will make God do the cursing and rid this entire land of them!" He exclaimed as he left. I went to the door and watched Patrick walk resolutely up the hill. Once to the top, he started talking to God. I stood there wringing my hands until I felt Crowley come up behind me. Thankfully he was back to his human corporation. He watched for a moment as well, then leaned in close and said,
"Just think, angel, it could have been worse."
I stopped fidgeting and turned my head towards the demon. I didn't see that this was the time for his flippant nature, but he looked quite serious.
"Worse?" I said in disbelief, my voice a little higher than normal. "How could it be worse?"
Crowley shrugged. "Well he could have found us both in that confessional..."
"But we were both in there, he just didn't..." Before I could finish Crowley had his arms about my midsection and pushed me up against the door jam. His left arm was holding onto the doorframe and his right was placed on the wall beside my shoulder. He leaned in close and practically leered at me.
"No." He growled. "I mean, he could have found us something akin to this." He stared hard into my eyes for a long moment then leaned back, letting his arms slowly fall to his side, and grinned like everything again. "And then what would have happened to your untarnished reputation, hmm?" We both turned back towards Patrick's direction.
I immediately looked straight ahead again, not saying anything. My whole face flushed a deep red when I tried hard, and failed, not to imagine just what Patrick might have found.
There was silence for a couple of minutes as I tried to reign in my imagination. Finally it was Crowley that broke the silence again.
"I don't suppose the he knows there aren't actually any snakes in Ireland."
"No. What did you actually get up to?" I looked back up to where Patrick was now pacing.
Crowley shrugged. "Just checking out the place. Looking for something I could use to break old Patrick there. I saw the gardens and orchard so I had to go menace them a bit. Then I found the wine cellar. You know, to be so strictly religious and only believe in the consumption of alcohol for forgiveness or for medicinal reasons, they sure do know how to make an excellent wine." Crowley grinned and I looked at him sharply. "Not my fault they saw me wherever I went. Not supposed to be as noticable as a snake. But at that point, why not have some fun with it?"
"It is when there aren't supposed to be any around here. What are they supposed to think?"
"How was I supposed to know the father was afraid of snakes?"
"But Crowley, if he tries to curse the land from all snakes, even though there aren't any real ones, that would mean he would curse you away." I tried to get Crowley to understand my distress "You could be discorporated."
Crowley considered this for a moment while he studied me.
"Nah. I don't think it would affect me unless I were in snake form."
"How can you be sure?"
"Well...can't really. Never tested the possibility."
I grabbed his wrist and pulled him back into the foyer. He gave a little yelp of surprise but followed me.
"Angel?"
"Let's not go trying it out." I explained as I ducked around a corner and looked around to see if anyone was watching. Then I pulled Crowley close to me.
"Angel." He purred. I don't think his smug grin could have gotten any bigger.
"You're insufferable." I huffed as I manifested my wings and wrapped them around us both.
"Just what are you doing, angel?" His voice was low.
"I taking us somewhere safe." (Ordinarily, such a thing is not a very big deal, however, the farther away you are going the more concentration and power it takes.) So I closed my eyes and thought really hard about where to go, then raised my hand and snapped my fingers and we were gone.