Work Text:
Missing a place, but being glad to not be there. A sensation Sarah Alder experiences every time she comes to this meadow in the Harz mountain range in Germany. The entire clearing is covered in mushrooms of different kinds. They have been here for a little over five years; she herself has only been close enough to visit four and a half. She has made a habit of visiting the peaceful space in the middle of thick forest. Sometimes, it’s good to be in nature – specifically, in nature she feels connected to. Other times, Sarah talks about her grief, the insurmountable number of friends, sisters and daughters she’s lost, all of whom are dear individuals to her. And to Sarah, it seems as if the mushrooms understand. As if they reach out to her to share the emotion, making it somehow bearable again.
A little over five years ago, she had been the reason for these mushrooms replacing a stone cave. She hadn’t been alone, then. Tally Craven had accompanied her, first looking for a witch, then following that witch through uneven terrain in the German mountains. Eventually, Tally, the witch they had been following and herself had ended up inside the cave. Sarah had tried explaining, in the German she still knew how to speak nearly flawlessly, why they were looking for her, what they were hoping for. But the witch, the oldest of six sisters, had refused to make this decision by herself and begun trying to fight her way out of the cave. Tally managed to calm her down a bit, and finally they learned her name: Ronya. Ronya had continued to insist that she could not give them her part of the First Song until Samhain, when she would be able to contact one of her sisters who had already died. “My sisters are what I know. We have always made decisions together. I will not, now, go against our tradition, when it is this most valuable gift our mother left us.” Ronya had said it in English, which had just added to the emotions building inside Sarah Alder at her words. “You cannot understand what is at stake right now. Samhain is still more than half a year away, by then it is going to be too late.” Sarah had to pause to take a breath, and Ronya seemed ready to jump in, but Sarah was faster: “Do you know what it feels like to stand next to your sister while she is being murdered by people who tell you that you’ll be next? Have you any idea of the suffering a war, every single war, causes? I have lived through atrocities beyond your imagination. So believe me when I say that I wish to avoid further suffering. Your part of the First Song is essential in this endeavour.” While listening to Sarah speak, Ronya had tensed her muscles and let her gaze wander around the cave, looking for a way out, but finding none except for the opening they had entered through. Tally and Sarah were now standing in her way.
Sarah shook her head, not wanting to relive the rest of the memory. With the tips of her fingers she carefully traced the edges of one of the many mushrooms, willing the touch to ground her, to make it easier to stay in this very moment. She knew that Ronya had gotten more and more angry, desperate – uncontrollable. The German witch had caused the cave to shake, and eventually become unstable enough to trap Sarah behind falling rocks. Sarah knew it, she couldn’t dream of forgetting it, so why should she relive it again? Only after Tally, who’d never left Sarah’s side for a moment, had gotten Raelle Collar to come to Germany, and after Raelle had let the witch bomb turn the stones into shining mushrooms on a meadow – the ones still here today, at least in part – did Sarah realise that Ronya had brought them to the cave for a reason. The part of the First Song Ronyas family kept, it wasn’t just with Ronya. It was also in the stones, in the water, in the air of this cave. Tally, the knower, the woman who could see sound, collected the pieces until she had taken in all of them. Sarah wasn’t sure, not even now, whether Tally had been aware that her actions in that moment would make her a steward of the First Song.
Sarah lay on her back in the grass, between mushrooms and flowers, and sighed. Remembering how Tally had stayed with her through all of it, taking charge, never forgetting to comfort Sarah – it brought back how cared for she had felt. It brought back the realisation that it had been a long time indeed since she had felt cared for in the way Tally Craven had made her feel – made her feel still, even in her memories.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tally Craven definitely regrets travelling the “civilian” way to this godforsaken part of the earth. Why was she even here?! Tally looked around, and seeing nothing but trees in her immediate vicinity, she sat down on the ground, leaning her back against a tree.
Of course, she knew why she had come here. These mountains harboured the place where she had last felt close to the one person she could never get out of her head: Sarah Alder. She hadn’t seen Alder in more than five years; not since the day Petra had informed them that Anacostia had died in the war. All Tally knew was that Alder had disappeared immediately after. Disappeared where, she didn’t know. Maybe everything would have been different…
Without Alder to guide her, to look up to, to fight with – or against – Tally had fallen back on what had gotten her through until then: Duty and Loyalty. The war had officially ended, but Tally chose to stay and finish War College. To stay and rebuild Fort Salem, the witches place. To stay and fulfil her duty – to continue her matriline. Gregorio’s and her hand-fasting ceremony had been one of the first after the war. Looking back now, Tally thought she had felt lost in those days, weeks, maybe even months. Rebuilding Fort Salem meant working on pieces of the Fort that were so intricately linked to the woman who had built it, Tally didn’t know how to cope with the intensity sometimes. Where was she supposed to put these feelings with no one to address them to any longer? It took her some time to understand that she was grieving.
Gregorio was a good man, Tally had discovered. However, a pregnancy just hadn’t come. After both of them had undergone several tests and tried different ‘remedies’, their ceremony already more than two years in the past, Tally had begun to suspect a cause she hadn’t dared to offer aloud. Gregorio had grown more and more stressed, feeling the pressure of what was expected of them and not having a way to release it. When Tally had refused, multiple times, to go to Izadora for advise, Gregorio had finally gotten angry – angry at Tally. Eventually, when there were mere months before the five years of their hand-fasting would be over, and the atmosphere between Tally and Gregorio was cold as ice, Tally went to see Izadora. The Necro-teacher confirmed what Tally had known, but had not wanted to accept: Her unbiddying had not given her her fertility back. She would never bear a child. Gregorio was stoic, after, and barely spoke beyond thanking Izadora for the diagnosis. It was clear they would dissolve their union when the time was up. And Tally had known she would need closure, a way to say good-bye to Sarah Alder. And so, she had decided to go back to the Harz mountain range. Where Tally had gotten Raelle to melt stone into mushrooms to save Alders life. Where Tally had spent over a day keeping the trapped woman company, reassuring her that help was on the way. Telling her over and over that she would never leave her. Wold never leave her alone. In the end, it had been Sarah Alder who had left Tally alone, without so much as a good-bye. Feeling tears welling in her eyes, Tally remembered that she was sitting uncomfortably on the ground in the middle of the forest in a foreign country. Finally giving into her exhaustion, she used her Sight to direct her toward the clearing they had left behind five years ago.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The closer Tally came to the meadow, a feeling of closeness to Alder materialised in Tally, a feeling that she only used to have in immediate proximity to the witch. Impossible, she told herself. It was the emotion of recognising the area from the last time she had been here that caused the confusion. And then, she had made it. Behind a last few lines of trees she could see the mushrooms in a clearing right in front of her. Stepping right up to the edge of the grass, Tally breathed in, closed her eyes and then let her rucksack fall the ground and ran straight onto the meadow, laughing freely – happy to have made it here, to have arrived. When she opened her eyes again, she froze. Her laugh getting stuck in her throat, her happiness giving way to confusion.
Sarah had heard footsteps in the forest behind her, but that wasn’t so rare. Many people hiked around here, so she ignored the presence as she usually did. Only when she had heard someone – no, not someone, Tally – laugh, a bolt of ice had shot through her entire body. She couldn’t be here. It was impossible. Sarah sat up and stared at the woman. Then, Tally opened her eyes and stared right back.
“Tally Craven”, Sarah said, having gathered her thoughts more quickly than Tally.
The words shook her out of her trance, though. Tally’s demeanour changed, and suddenly there were tears in her eyes and anger in her expression. “You’re here…” It was neither a question nor a statement, but Tally’s voice gave out.
“Yes, I am.” Sarah said simply. And then the anger won in Tally. “How? Why? Why did you never contact me? How could you just leave like that? Why are you here? Now? What… What in the goddess’ name are you thinking just showing up here?” And instead of waiting for an answer, Tally just stepped forward, kneeled in the grass next to Sarah and reached out to her. Sarah took Tally’s hand, and they remained in silence for a short moment. Then Sarah lifted her gaze to Tally’s face. “After the war, I moved here.” Tally was about to say something, but Sarah squeezed her Hand, asking Tally to wait for her to give the answers Tally demanded, without words. Tally nodded, but tensed. “The situation required me to leave. To stay would have made it impossible for Petra to continue in her role unquestioned. I was certain, not informing anyone of my departure would be most prudent.” - “You’re wrong. We needed you there. I needed you.” Tally now speaks, accusingly, before she halts. Then, in a quieter voice: “I wanted you there.” Sarah visibly reacts to those words, but her response comes out biting: “You seem to have managed alright. How is your husband?” Tally laughs at that, bitterly. But she doesn’t let go of Sarah’s hand. “Gregorio and I dissolved our union. We haven’t been united in any sense of the word for a while now. Not that I can see what this has to do with you being here.” Sarah nods, acceptance in her demeanour. “This place reminds me of the last time I felt close to you. I moved here, to be able to come here whenever I desired. In addition, I found a welcoming and worldly, kind witches community here. The trauma of being hunted is further in the past for them. It has been healing for me.” Tally swallows her words, her accusations, her grief over the child she will never have because she gave it up unknowingly for this woman in front of her. Instead, she smiles, shakily and means it when she says: “I’m happy for you.”
And these kind words, combined with the hold on her hand and the way Tally looks directly at her, break Sarah Alder. She lowers her head, and lets her tears fall.
“I apologise”, she says quietly, not looking up, “for leaving you without a word. I wasn’t sure I would be able to go if you asked me to stay again.”
Tally reaches out and touches Sarah’s shoulder, prompting her to look up, at Tally. “There’s nothing you could do that would make me love you any less.”, Tally says.
Sarah just looks at Tally for a moment, then she says: “There has been no day in a long time when I didn’t wish to show you my love.”
“Please stay with me this time.”, Tally’s voice is nearly a whisper.
“Will you stay, too?”
“Yes. I promised it years ago. I will stay by your side, wherever you go.”
“As I will be by your side. Always.”