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People think Haruka doesn’t cry. They don’t ever ask why, either, because whenever they used to, all Haruka did was shrug in response.
What people don’t know is that Haruka cries. He keeps it bottled up when he’s around people, when he’s inside houses, when the sun’s shining. But when the clouds gather in the sky and turn dark grey, and the rain falls, Haruka cries.
He uses it as an excuse for his wet cheeks and occasional sniffle when he comes back inside. Haruka stands out in the rain to cry, because people won’t notice that way. If there’s something he knows he can’t do, it’s to show himself weak in front of those he holds dear. Because he’s been wearing a mask of sheer strength for so long, that it’s what they’ve come to expect. It’s what he himself has come to expect whenever he’s around people; to not let his tears spill even if he might want to.
Haruka fears Makoto’s reaction to his tears. He fears Rin’s reaction, everyone’s reaction. But most of all, he definitely doesn’t want to find out how Sousuke would react to his tears when they fall. He views Sousuke the same way he feels people see him; a person who’s mentally strong, who doesn’t get easily affected, someone who can deal with a setback easier than anyone else.
And maybe that’s wrong of him, considering how he feels it’s so wrong of people to think the same about him. Maybe Sousuke hides his tears, too, but Haruka’s pretty sure he doesn’t let it all out while standing out in the rain like he does.
The rain feels cold to the touch, but it also feels forgiving. Like it’s kissing away his tears, or at least replacing them. Telling him to cry as much as he wants, because the rain will be there to accept his tears like he isn’t sure anyone else would, considering what they seem to think of him, the distorted glasses it feels like they’re seeing him through.
Haruka looks up at the grey sky above him through his bangs, slips his eyes shut and exhales a shaky breath. One thing he’s sure people would tell him were they to find out, is that he shouldn’t stand out in the rain like that since he could catch a cold. A cold would be easier to deal with than some of the fears and emotions he has to deal with on a regular basis.
He’s so sure no one knows about his little secret that he doesn’t worry about trying to hide the evidence as he comes back inside. But when he does, he’s almost immediately wrapped in the arms of his boyfriend, a warm embrace that always feels like coming home, like the family he barely ever had growing up, like everything he’s ever wanted out of life.
“You don’t have to hide it, Haruka,” Sousuke murmurs into his damp hair. “You’re not weak. It’s okay to cry.”
Ah, his tear-stained face must've given it away. Of course.
Haruka doesn’t say anything. He’s experiencing shock, sadness, embarrassment and frustration all at once, and doesn’t know how to put it into coherent sentences. Sousuke, of course, is understanding, and lets him stay silent, just stands in place without forcing Haruka to do anything, to say anything.
“I’m here for you, you know. And no offence, but I know you’re not immune to crying. You’re only human, it’s normal.”
“You don’t cry,” Haruka finally says, and Sousuke lets out a humourless laugh.
“I do, but not often.”
“Not in front of me, though. So you’re really in no place to tell me what to do.”
Sousuke sighs. “Touché. I guess we’re the same, then. How about we stop holding these things in in front of each other? All cards on the table. A relationship doesn’t get very far without honesty, after all.”
Haruka reluctantly returns Sousuke’s embrace, relaxing a bit in his arms. “Fine.”
Pulling back a little to get a better look of his boyfriend, Sousuke looks at Haruka with a sad smile, but he doesn’t look like he’s pitying Haruka, more like feeling sympathy. That in and of itself makes Haruka feel a lot better about the situation. “Do you wanna talk about it?”
So Haruka talks. Tells Sousuke about the nightmares that still haunt him, about the worries he has at times whenever they hang out with their friends. About how he’s still insecure about what his future holds for him, about how he’s still unable to completely stand on his own without needing the support of others.
Sousuke listens, doesn’t interrupt. He’s understanding, forgiving and patient—everything Haruka feels like he doesn’t deserve with how he sometimes feels like he doesn’t give Sousuke the same treatment, despite really wanting to.
When a couple of tears fall and Haruka goes to wipe them away, Sousuke still doesn’t interrupt. He waits for Haruka to finish, and then he takes Haruka into his arms again, where they sit by the kotatsu in their living room. And while the silence that follows would normally be appreciated, Haruka finds it unnerving, like there’s something else that needs to be said.
“Sousuke.”
“Yeah.”
“Thanks.”
Sousuke kisses him on his temple, exhaling slowly. He must’ve been worried, Haruka thinks. “Anytime. Feel better?”
“I do.”
“Good, I’m glad.”
Maybe Haruka should’ve expected that Sousuke would be the one to eventually notice. Maybe he’s known for a while, maybe he just realised. Whichever it is, Haruka finds himself being relieved that it’s out in the open now. That he doesn’t have to walk out in the rain just to let his feelings out, because Sousuke’s there to accept them, to act like he feels like the rain’s done for him for a while now; to wipe away his tears without further questions or worried statements.
“Now you're the rain
That dyes the earth with grey colour
The depth increases and brightly shines
Your voice calls me from the far limit
Together we can see the Milky Way”