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As Armin rode back past what remained of the walls, he couldn't stop the latent anxiety from overcoming him.
All in all, he had been successful today. He had convinced Connie to spare Falco. He had proven his truthfulness to Gabi, who was quietly riding with Falco on another horse. And, as he stole a quick glance to the warm figure loosely sitting behind him, he got to see Annie again.
Sure, Eren was still trying to trample the world. But, with Connie, Annie, and what remained of the Marleyans on his side, he felt they had a meager chance.
His anxiety had less to do with the current world ending circumstances and more to do with his poorly chosen words to Mikasa before he left.
Mikasa had always been the rock of their little family. Eren and himself would get into trouble chasing their dreams, and Mikasa would pull them out of it. She was the protector of their little group, looking out for him even after he inherited the colossal and with it the ability to regenerate from most wounds.
His mom had left him when he was a young boy. And while he still had faint memories of his mom, of a woman with soft features and a gentle smile, today, when he thought of a mother, it was hard to imagine anyone but Mikasa.
Yet for all of her strength, Mikasa had always had one weakness. Frankly, Eren and Mikasa being blind to each other's infatuation while everyone else in the world could identify it without a second glance had been frustrating even before their latest row.
So it made sense, that even now, Mikasa's first thought was to Eren. Even after he had insulted her and mocked her undying devotion to him, Mikasa was a predictable creature. And it had been so frustrating, that the only person who could understand what he was facing, the messy feelings of loyalty and friendship and love mixed with horror was still so blinded by her own love for the man intent on committing genocide.
That didn't excuse how he had snapped at her though. Because for all the history they had shared, Armin could not remember a time that Mikasa had raised her voice to him. Not when he was still a sniveling wreck as a child. Not when he had gotten Eren eaten that day in Trost. Not when he was puking his guts out after his first kill. And he had never seen Mikasa look so lost, so cowed by his words before.
When she needed reassurance from the only family she had left , he had spit on her and all she had ever done for him.
Maybe he was no better than Eren for that.
So it was with no small trepidation that opened the small warehouse that had been their meeting point, not particularly surprised to find Mikasa already waiting inside with two loaded carts. He watched as her eyes softened in relief at the sight of him and Connie, and turned to careful impassiveness when she turned to Annie, giving a quick nod.
She quickly filled them in with the current plan, and they hitched their horses to the cart. As they waited, Armin turned to Mikasa, searching for words.
“Mikasa,” he started, quieting when she turned his gaze to him.
Perhaps understanding, in the way she had always been able to, she gave a small, close lipped smile. “It looks like you were successful. I shouldn't have doubted you.”
“That's more to Connie's credit,” Armin softly redirected the praise. “I'm sorry for what I said to you before I left. I know that the situation with Eren has been upsetting. I've been worried about him too.” He paused, before tentatively suggesting, “And I know what he means to you.” The normally fierce woman blushed but said nothing, perhaps unable to admit the depth of her feelings even now. “You didn't deserve to be yelled at,” Armin continued. “I was stressed, but I shouldn't have taken it on you. I'm sorry,”
Mikasa waited until he was finished before speaking. “Armin, I know you didn't mean it. I was just so blinded by Eren-” she trailed off, giving a bitter, forlorn smile, “I guess habits are hard to break.” Her words hung between them, inviting Eren's hurtful words in to fill the spaces.
“They aren't just habits. It's not just your Ackerman blood.” Armin interrupted fiercely. “Yes you care about Eren. But you do it out of love, not because of some force compelling you to.”
“Maybe so,” Mikasa replied, a reddish tint coloring her cheeks. She turned a knowing gaze to him, now. “You do the same too.” Now it was Armin's turn to blush, hoping that Annie wasn't looking in their direction now. It had always been an unspoken secret that he had visited Annie over the years. Many of the veteran scouts had known about his excursions, but some well placed glares from Mikasa had kept the teasing to a minimum.
“But Armin, what you said, about yourself and Erwin.” Mikasa's words interrupted his musings. “When I saw you there, on the rooftop, charred beyond recognition, it felt as if the world had closed up on me once again.” She turned away, lost in memories. “This world is so cruel, but for it to take you too,” her voice shook, and she swallowed before continuing. “When the captain first refused to use the syringe on you, I attacked him.” Armin blinked in surprise, opening his mouth to protest Mikasa's mutinous actions, but she kept on going. “I pinned him down and held my blade to his neck. I wasn't sure in the moment if I was willing to hurt him to save your life.”
Mikasa turned to meet his eyes, and the resolve in her gray eyes frightened Armin. “But I know now that I was willing to. If it meant saving you, I would have slit his throat and left him to die. And if Hange hadn't pulled me off of Levi, I would have. Even if that choice has only given you 13 more years.” His old friend looked old suddenly. Haggard. Armin’s heart panged for her, the burden she had quietly carried. The fact that it was a guarantee that she would outlive both Eren and him, no matter how hard she fought. Gathering herself, she continued. “Even if it would have bought you a little more time to live, I would have done it. And I would not have regretted it”
This was the duality to Mikasa, Armin thought. Fierce love that sometimes became unapologetic violence. “I have not regretted for a moment that you were chosen over Erwin. None of us that remain believe that. Not even Eren. So do not ever think of yourself like that again.” Her words came out as a command but also a loving plea.
Armin wasn't sure if he could ever truly believe that. But he could never deny his sister this one comfort, so he nodded anyway. “We'll bring Eren home,” he offered. He wasn't sure if this was a promise he could keep.
“I know,” Mikasa replied. She didn’t sound so sure, either.