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Tick…tick…tick…
It was eerily quiet, only the sound of a distant pager and hushed conversation cut through the cold silence. Trip sat in a chair along the hallway, an ice pack held to his eye.
Tick…tick…tick…
The ever-present sound of the second hand making its endless loops around was maddening. Trip stared at it, focusing his uncovered eye on the red line as it touched each number on the clock face. Over and over again. He couldn’t tell how many rounds he had watched at this point, just that the dissociative fuzz in his brain had taken over. He couldn't ground himself to this reality any other way.
Tick…tick…tick…
He breathed in and out, sniffling occasionally. In all honesty, he couldn’t tell if he even wanted to be present at this moment. It would be easier to let the unnerving comfort of nothingness fog his vision and block out his thoughts. He didn’t deserve that, though. The agonizing punishment of sitting and waiting and thinking and feeling was adequate compensation for what he had allowed to happen.
Tick…tick…tick…
Trip felt his heart beat hard as memories of the day revolved in his head. Over and over again. Each second replaying a different snippet like a sick broken record.
“Nicholas, I need you to step back. You’re too emotionally volatile to help right now.”
“I’m more than capable of stepping in!”
“Nobody is saying you’re incapable. We just can’t have you in there while you’re in this state.”
“What the fuck do you mean by that?! I’ll be damned if something happens to him while I sit here and do nothing!”
“Nighthaven employs some of the best medical staff that-”
“I don’t care what Nighthaven has! I’m the one that got us into this situation and I’ll be the one to fix it!”
“You’re being irrational, Nicholas. I need you to take a deep breath and step back.”
“I don’t care! I told you that I don’t care! I’m going to-”
“Be careful what you say next or I’ll have you handcuffed and dragged out of here.”
“Then do it! I’d rather that than-”
“Step back, Nicholas.”
“Or what, Håvard? Let me thr-”
Tick…tick…tick…
Trip winced. Condensation from the ice pack dripped down his arm and melted into his sleeve. He looked down at his hand, peeling his eyes away from the clock. A deep scarlet stained his palm and fingertips, the sleeves of his uniform spattered with the same morbid dye. A painful reminder of the reality of what had happened. What was happening. What would happen after that. He sighed, tears burning in his eyes again.
Tick…tick…
A door down the hallway opened, then shut. Cautious footsteps drew closer. Trip didn’t bother looking up when they eventually halted next to him.
“Hey…”
“What?” He responded gruffly “I’m not leaving if that’s what you’re gonna ask me to do.”
“No. Quite the opposite, actually.”
Trip looked up slowly. Aruni stood in front of him. A wave of guilt washed over him.
“I’m sorry.” Trip mumbled “I’ve just-”
“You don’t need to explain yourself. Kali told me everything when I got here.” Aruni’s voice was soft “It’s been a long day for you, hasn’t it?”
Trip felt his chest tighten, mustering up only a nod in response. Aruni sat in the empty chair beside him. She offered her hand, which Trip took into his own after a moment of hesitation. They sat in silence, enjoying the comfort of quiet mutual anxiety.
“What you did out there was difficult.” Aruni spoke into the cold air “It’s the nightmare situation that we get drilled on over and over, and you had to live it.”
Trip closed his eyes, taking a shaky deep breath. Aruni squeezed his hand softly.
“You’re so strong for everything you’ve gone through, but there is also strength in letting yourself step back and feel.” Aruni paused, giving Trip a moment to absorb her words “You’re safe now and Marcelo is in good hands. I promise. Just take a moment to finally breathe. If not for yourself, then for him.”
Trip’s eyes burnt at the sensation of hot tears boiling to the surface. He pulled his hand away from Aruni, holding it to his face as sobs wracked his body. The embarrassment and shame he’d usually feel were completely canceled out by the utter intensity of the day and emotional exhaustion in his soul. Aruni placed her hand on his back, rubbing empathetic circles onto it as he cried.
“I just-” Trip heaved “I should have-”
“What you did was perfect.” Aruni hushed “Things happen, you know this as well as I do.”
Trip didn’t care about the ugly sobs and strangled noises he was making. Aruni didn’t judge either, the two existing in one shared emotional bubble. He felt the cathartic release of pent-up self-blame and frustration leave his body, grateful for its absence even if it would only be for now. Aruni’s presence was an appreciated comfort, the weight of the situation now shouldered by two people instead of one. Trip breathed in and out, counting in four-second increments as he held his breath and exhaled.
“You know,” Trip’s voice was shaky, but coherent “He loves you so much. He talks about you all the time. I understand why now.”
Aruni chuckled to herself, patting Trip on the back as he wiped his tears onto his sleeve. He pulled the melty ice pack from his face, blinking hard as he adjusted his vision.
“Why don’t you come sit with us instead of down here all alone?” Aruni rose to her feet, extending her arm for Trip to take “Nikolai and Néon are here too.”
Trip stood as well, nodding a silent thank you as they linked arms.
“And don’t worry. You won’t see much of Håvard. Kali is giving him a real talking to.”
The pair walked down the hallway arm in arm. Trip pitched the melted ice pack into a bin along the way.
“He loves you a lot too. Not a day goes by that he doesn’t talk about you.” Aruni put a hand atop Trip’s interlinked arm “You’re a wonderful friend, Nicholas. Give yourself some grace.”
“Yeah…” Trip lingered on the thought “I guess I could work on that.”
“We all can. Sometimes the world isn’t as scary as our past makes it out to be.”
“I’ve been realizing that lately.” Trip pulled away, holding a door open for the two of them to pass through “It helps a lot knowing that there are people who will love me through it.”