Archive of Our Own

A poster/ mood board: 

https://www.instagram.com/angelseoul/p/C4qjskWIP9C/

Everything

”What do you think about this chapter, Wen Ning?”

Nie Huaisang bit his nails while he waited for Wen Ning to finish reading the chapter he had just written. His eyes roamed over the man he was now dating, noting how the golden light of the afternoon sun filtered in through the window, making him look all gold and black where he was sitting wearing a black hoodie on Nie Huaisang’s bed. The strong shoulders, the sweet face. His eyes, deep, dark and almost haunting at times. The innocence of his cheeks offset by something deeper in those eyes. Like those eyes had seen the coming and going of ages, the wars of time. Or maybe that was just Nie Huaisang being dramatic as usual. His lips, full and slightly pink moved as he read the words on the page. Huaisang found it cute. An overwhelming fondness took over him over small things like that sometimes. He wanted to fawn over Wen Ning, fluster him by telling him how cute he is, but he was waiting on the verdict about the chapter with bated breath and he’d just have to wait until they were done with this. He needed an outsider’s perspective on his writing.

Jiang Cheng was terrible at literary criticism, Wei Wuxian had no patience for long writing (but when it came to critiquing manhua he was actually fairly useful!) and Lan Wangji only gave him the most curt comments like ”Excellent” or something equally monosyllabic. Wen Ning was Nie Huaisang’s only hope. He always gave thoughtful and helpful critique, and had fascinating and unique insights, to Huaisang’s great astonishment. Wen Ning was a new acquaintance, but he was steadily becoming a significant part of his every day life.

It had all started when Wen Ning had asked Nie Huaisang out and Nie Huaisang had declined a date but said he’d much rather be friends, if Wen Ning was interested in that. Wen Ning had indeed been interested in that and they had gone from being shy and a little bit awkward with each other to soon relaxing and acting a little bit more natural. It hadn’t helped that Wen Ning was a man of few words, but he seemed to be making an effort for Huaisang’s sake and so Huaisang got used to occasional silences, sometimes filling them with his own questions and small talk. Wen Ning never seemed to mind, in fact, he lit up any time Huaisang asked him anything. It was so adorable Huaisang had almost regretted saying no to a date. But truthfully he had not been ready to put himself out there again. Most of the time he didn’t feel lonely, there was no deeply rooted need for human connection or anything like that that plagued Huaisang. So why did he have to date? The truth was that he didn’t. He had realized all of this before meeting Wen Ning, after a few disastrous dates with other people who he had no connection with and who did not respect his boundaries. He’d been reluctant to date after that (and had in fact stopped altogether by the time Wen Ning had come into his life). So being asked out by Wen Ning, while flattering, had made him hesitate.

At first they had been friends, going to coffee shops together, talking about writing and work and playing computer games together. They’d gone to museums on sunny mornings and eaten street food at late night markets. Nie Huaisang didn’t know exactly when he started considering actually going out with Wen Ning, should he still want to. Maybe it wasn’t one big revelation, maybe it was a little bit at a time that he realized that kissing Wen Ning wouldn’t be such a bad thing. A little at a time he considered what kind of relationship they would have, if Wen Ning were to be his boyfriend. Would they do a 180 and go full-on romantic couple? Or would they be like they were then, when they were still platonic friends? These were little musings he’d had throughout their friendship.

It didn’t take long after that for Nie Huaisang to realize that what Wen Ning was to him wasn’t entirely platonic, yet again nor was it romantic, at least from Huaisang’s side. Nie Huaisang may be a die-hard romance writer, but he had never felt romantic attraction a day in his life. This was the greatest tragedy of his life, he’d once thought. Until he’d learned to accept that this was just the way he was. And after finding out about the aromantic and asexual spectrum a lot of his life experiences suddenly made a lot of sense. He had learned through the a-spec community just how many of his beliefs and views regarding sex and romance were beliefs he’d adopted from his surroundings. It hit him extra hard having been the kind of person to love romance in fiction and occasionally dream away to some beautiful scenario of fated lovers. This was why he made a good writer, he thought. But it had made his personal life confusing to say the least.

Wen Ning held up the stack of papers in front of Huaisang, his long fingers tracing over a messily scribbled word. ”What does it say here?”

Nie Huaisang broke away from his momentary nervousness and surveyed the word. Tried not to notice how good Wen Ning smelled as he leaned forwards into his space.

“Um...’engorged’”

Nie Huaisang could feel his face redden as he had to utter the word. He had as of late taken up writing by hand whenever he felt stuck on something. Normally, he wouldn’t show such filth to Wen Ning, but the sex scene kind of tied in with the main characters emotions about their relationship with the love interest.

“Oh god.” Huaisang said, refusing to look Wen Ning in the eyes. “Y-you can just skip that part. In fact, maybe skip the next three pages, it’s going to go on for a while.”

Wen Ning did not stop reading.

“You sure do have a vast knowledge of gay sex.” Wen Ning said after clearing his throat and taking a deep breath, having read through the filthiest pages.

“I take my job seriously. I do a lot of research.” Huaisang answered.

Wen Ning looked up from the pages and gave him a knowing look. The little quirk of his eyebrow was unfairly cute and Nie Huaisang rarely saw him tease him like this, so naturally he enjoyed it.

“Okay, fine. Maybe I mostly read a lot of smut. And watch the occasional po-”

Oh. Dear. Lord. He’d almost said he watches porn in front of the guy he’s dating. The guy he’s dating that he has yet to even kiss or hold hands with.

Wen Ning’s head shot up, his eyes huge as he looked at Huaisang.

“I thought you didn’t have any interest in that...” he said, almost offhandedly, almost as if he was not quite aware of what he’d said. His eyes surveying him owlishly. Nie Huaisang felt himself burn hot under that stare. Burn with embarrassment.

Huaisang swallowed thickly.

“I don’t.” He said. “I normally don’t.” He corrected. He bit his lower lip, casting his eyes away from Wen Ning, whose gaze was a little too intense for him right now. He traced lines in the duvet, focused on that instead.

“Y-you don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to.” Wen Ning said quickly, stilling Huaisang’s hand with his, carefully, as if his touch would be rejected. Nie Huaisang liked it, though. Felt a modicum safer with this small reassurance than he would have felt without it.

“It’s okay.” Huaisang said, looked Wen Ning in the eyes again. His eyes drifting from his face to his wide shoulders. Those were really pretty shoulders and really pretty arms that came along with them. Somewhere in the back of Huaisang’s mind he thought he’d like being embraced by them.

“You already know I read smut. How can I not as a writer of romance and erotica? I won’t pretend like it’s only for work. I enjoy it. I like reading about it. If feels fun and exciting. In writing.” He emphasized the last two words. Wen Ning nodded in understanding.

“In real life, though, that’s a different story.”

Wen Ning nodded again, traced his thumb over Nie Huaisang’s knuckles. Huaisang shivered, but for the first time in a long time, the shiver was somewhat pleasant.

“As for real life porn. I don’t watch it that often. Mostly it makes me feel a bit icky. But...sometimes, I can even like some of it.”

This was the part where would it be anyone else that Huaisang were dating they would pull out all the stops to get Huaisang to watch it with them and hope for that to make him more amenable to sex with other people. With them. But this wasn’t anyone else. This was Wen Ning. And Wen Ning only gave him a small nod in confirmation that he understood.

“Thanks for sharing that with me.” He said and then went back to read the rest of the pages.

A corner of Nie Huaisang’s lips quirked upwards and he felt a sort of deep-rooted pride and fondness for this gentle and sweet man in front of him.

* * *

Late summer rolled slowly into early autumn. The air was getting chillier by the day, the leaves were yellowing and Wen Ning bundled Huaisang up in his black scarf. It was warm and soft and smelled like Wen Ning. Citrusy and fresh. Like a tangerine. Huaisang loved his scent and couldn’t get enough of it.

Even though they had decided to date a few weeks ago the two of them hadn’t changed anything in their relationship. They still did the same things. Kept the same distance. Huaisang was starting to suspect it was because Wen Ning was unsure about Huaisang’s boundaries and wasn’t sure how to ask. And Huaisang himself wasn’t naturally predisposed to excessive contact. But by now maybe he had thought about kissing Wen Ning more than once, a thought that sort of sneaked up on him, little by little getting closer until it was at the forefront of his mind.

They walked side by side to the old record store that sold vinyl records. One of the few ones that still existed in this town. Wen Ning owned a vintage record player that he played his records on sometimes when they were at his house. It was clear to Huaisang how fond Wen Ning was of music. He could play the guitar and owned a couple of instruments that he sometimes played on. Nie Huaisang was fascinated with his playing, thought it was, for lack of a better word, hot.

The two of them browsed through the shelves, each on the opposite side from another. When Wen Ning looked up from his browsing holding a record up proudly Nie Huaisang smiled at him.

He had no idea what kind of band this was. Knowing Wen Ning’s taste it was probably something avant-garde and probably did not make for easy listening. Every once in a while Wen Ning would go for a catchy rock song, but what he would get really excited about was obscure bands from the 1970s. Huaisang was more of a mainstream pop song lover himself. Maybe it wasn’t that cultured but he couldn’t resist dancing whenever he heard the words “it’s Britney, bitch” come on loud through the speakers.

“Did you find anything?” Wen Ning asked.

Huaisang shook his head. “Nope. I’m just happy watching you in your element. You’re adorable when you’re nerding out on grungy old bands.”

Wen Ning laughed, his cheeks turning a pretty peach.

“Are you going to buy that?” Huaisang asked, pointing at the vinyl in his hand. Wen Ning nodded enthusiastically and went over to the register to pay. Huaisang watched him with fond eyes.

As they exited the store Huaisang held out his hand for Wen Ning’s plastic bag.

“Here, I’ll hold that for you.”

Wen Ning looked at his face and then down at his outstretched hand and then placed his own hand in Nie Huaisang’s. His hand was soft and warm. Huaisang only gawked at Wen Ning in confusion for a few moments.

“I’d rather you hold this instead.” He said, pulling Huaisang along, walking along the road as if there was nothing strange about what had just happened.

He glanced over at Nie Huaisang whose face was turning beet red.

“Wen Ning!” He laughed, “You are scandalously smooth, you know that?”

Wen Ning tried to suppress a smile. Didn’t quite succeed. “Does that mean you don’t mind?” he asked. Huaisang beamed at him.

“Not at all.” He assured, squeezing Wen Ning’s hand in comfort. Then he bit his lower lip and tried his best not to look too embarrassed.

After that, holding hands had become far more frequent, with Huaisang actually initiating contact most of the time. It seemed to make Wen Ning happy as he always gave him this love-struck doe eyed look when he was surprised by the action. Huaisang couldn’t help but to feel like they felt more coupley from then on. He would frequently hang off of Wen Ning’s shoulder, or wrap both arms around one of his. He would do this whenever he was excited about something or when he begged Wen Ning to let him buy the latest manhua he had strictly told Wen Ning before entering the store to forbid him from buying.

Also their hugs became longer and more frequent whenever they met. Wen Ning would hold onto him so tightly, as if Huaisang would disappear if he let go. Those moments had Nie Huaisang feeling more aromantic than ever. Was this what lovers usually did? He liked being cared for and cherished, and being with Wen Ning he truly felt those things. But sometimes he wondered whether or not he was providing Wen Ning with the same level of love, safety and comfort. Was Wen Ning feeling as happy as Huaisang?

* * *

“Hey, do you want to go to a reading with me tomorrow night? There’s this sci-fi author that writes these lovely little adventures that I love reading. You know, in between all the romance.” Huaisang chuckled to himself as he re-arranged the books on one of his many shelves, to fit the new ones in there somewhere. He’d gone wild at the manhua section and Wen Ning had not stopped him from buying the comics he really wanted. As usual.

Wen Ning, who would normally smile his typically warm and adorable smile now faltered in his expression. His hand froze on a book, his whole body seemed to still too.

“I- eh...I can’t. I’m sorry.”

Nie Huaisang’s hopeful expression dimmed.

“Oh? You can’t? That’s too bad.” He said and though he was disappointed, he didn’t think it was strange in any way. Wen Ning was his own person with his own life and his own things he liked to do before he met Huaisang. So it made sense for him to have some other things to do outside of tagging along on all of Huaisang’s nerdy literary events. Out of curiosity he asked:

“So what are you doing instead?”

Wen Ning’s eyes widened. His cheeks reddened. He looked like a deer caught in the headlights and judging by this reaction Huaisang got the distinct impression that he wanted to tell him something. Something important. It made Huaisang stop what he was doing and really look at him. They were both kind of just kneeling on Huaisang’s floor now, neat rows of books in front of them, a mess of disorganized piles of books all around them. They stared at each other uncertainly.

“Um. I...actually I’m...” Wen Ning started. But something made him stop and he looked down at the floor, avoiding Huaisang’s eyes. “I’m just meeting with some old friends.”

Wen Ning was acting odd. His normally calm and steady exterior now gave off a slightly frazzled energy.

That was the day Nie Huaisang realized that Wen Ning was hiding something from him.

*

This kept happening. About once a week. Every Friday evening. Nie Huaisang didn’t want to pry, but they were dating, shouldn’t he know what Wen Ning was up to? Not that they’d even called each other ‘boyfriends’ or anything like that yet. Maybe it was none of his business and he was just oddly curious about Wen Ning’s life. Should he ask him what he was really doing? Who he was really seeing? Or would the answer just upset him? What if Wen Ning just wanted some time to himself? He was always hanging around Nie Huaisang. Whenever he wasn’t at work he would always come to Huaisang’s place because Huaisang worked from home and didn’t have good time management in the mornings. Maybe he had grown tired of Huaisang? Maybe...maybe…

Nie Huaisang stopped himself from thinking further. He was overreacting. He was sure that if Wen Ning wanted to stop seeing him, he’d say so. Wouldn’t he?

* * *

Seeing as Wen Ning was otherwise engaged on Friday evenings, Nie Huaisang made plans with Jiang Cheng. They went to the author’s reading which Jiang Cheng suffered through, looking half clueless and half like he was bored out of his mind. Literary events weren’t really his thing. But he had tagged along for Huaisang’s sake and also because he was promised food afterwards.

They were on their way to the restaurant, talking heatedly about which tapas they were going to order. Jiang Cheng favored the spicy ones that burned your taste buds right off your tongue, just like Wei Wuxian. Meanwhile Nie Huaisang preferred milder flavors. Garlic and herbs was more his style than pure chilli hellfire.

“How’s it going with Xichen-ge?” Huaisang asked, curious as ever about the two’s unlikely romance blossoming ten years after Jiang Cheng had pined after him as a teen. The two nowadays were adorable and so lovey-dovey when they thought no one was watching them that Huaisang’s heart melted every time he caught one of their interactions.

“It’s going great, actually!” Jiang Cheng said, sounded so enthusiastic Huaisang wanted to squeal.

“We’re still working out the logistics of a long distance relationship. I’m thinking about working from home a couple of days a week and moving some of my stuff to The Cloud Recesses.”

Nie Huaisang stopped in his tracks, turning Jiang Cheng by the arm to look at him. His eyes wide with astonishment. “Oh my word, Jiang Cheng! That’s a huge step!”

Jiang Cheng looked embarrassed.

“Not really..”

“Sure it is! You’re like one step away from moving in with him, which is like, basically marriage!!”

“Moving some stuff and staying with him for a few days a week is NOT basically marriage.” Jiang Cheng groused.

Nie Huaisang raised his chin in challenge. “Is it or is it not co-habitation on a semi-permanent basis?”

Jiang Cheng looked stumped for a moment before his eyebrows knitted and he glared at Huaisang.

“I know what you’re trying to do, but it’s still nothing like marriage. It is in fact leagues away from marriage.”

“It’s much closer to marriage than it is to dating casually.” Huaisang teased.

Jiang Cheng blinked, one of his eyes looked like it was jerking involuntarily. Huaisang decided to stop teasing so he wouldn’t get an aneurysm or something.

“No matter how you look at it, I’m still happy for you Jiang Cheng. I’m glad Xichen-ge is treating you right, as I knew he would. And that you’re both happy.”

The wrinkle between Jiang Cheng’s eyebrows smoothed out, his expression relaxed and he, again, turned slightly embarrassed. It wasn’t easy for Jiang Cheng to have these kinds of conversations. He hadn’t always been good at expressing his emotions. But the last few years he had certainly tried harder. Tried to let that chip on his shoulder fall away, tried to open up to the people he loved. Huaisang counted himself lucky to be one of them. A friend for the rest of his life.

They stopped at a red light, about to cross the road.

“Thank you.” Jiang Cheng said, it sounded calm and genuine. “How are things between you and Wen Ning? While we’re on the subject of dating.”

Nie Huaisang caught the curious stare as Jiang Cheng looked down at him from his slight height advantage. Knowing Jiang Cheng, he didn’t want to pry too much, but he was curious about why Nie Huaisang had decided to date Wen Ning in the first place. Especially since he’d been quite happy in his aroace life and had not wanted to date for such a long time.

“Things...are going really well, actually.” Nie Huaisang replied. He sounded hesitant when he’d said it, he knew. But that’s only because of the last concern he’d had, something he probably didn’t even need to worry about.

“That didn’t sound very convincing.” Jiang Cheng said, stiffened up as they crossed the road and swerved off to the sidewalk, walking down the street with careful steps.

“No, don’t get me wrong. Things really are going well!” Nie Huaisang protested, waving his hands in the air for emphasis. “It’s just. We’re still fairly new. We haven’t dated for long. And we haven’t even talked about if we’re actually boyfriends yet. I mean. We just started holding hands a couple of weeks ago.”

“Wow.” Jiang Cheng looked slightly shocked for a moment. “When I confessed my feelings for Xichen-ge, I literally kissed him immediately.”

“Yeah, but you were horny for him for some ten plus years, Jiang Cheng.” Nie Huaisang retorted.

“I was NOT horny-!”

“But I actually haven’t known Wen Ning for that long. I like him. But I don’t know. I need more time to do those things, I guess.” Nie Huaisang shrugged, interrupting what was sure to be one of Jiang Cheng’s scandalized outbursts.

“How much more time?” Jiang Cheng asked.

“Well, the way things are going right now...” Nie Huaisang said, hiding his face in his hands in embarrassment “..not long. Sometimes I do feel like I may want to kiss him. Do you think I should do it?”

Jiang Cheng raised an eyebrow. “Why are you asking me? If you want to kiss him, don’t just dream about it, go actually do it. But if you’re not sure if you want to, there’s no harm in waiting.”

Sometimes Jiang Cheng’s blunt words was exactly what Nie Huaisang needed to hear. As different as they were as people, Nie Huaisang thought they complimented each other very well as friends. Whenever Huaisang would get into his head and become too cerebral and emotional Jiang Cheng would give him rational and direct advice. Likewise whenever Jiang Cheng would become insecure and too blunt, Nie Huaisang would remind him of his strengths and smooth out his rough edges.

At the restaurant they talked some more about their lives, over tapas and red wine. Nie Huaisang couldn’t help but beam every time Wen Ning came up in conversation. Jiang Cheng sometimes called him out on it, wondering if he was really aromantic with the way he gushed about Wen Ning.

“I have yet to feel romance, Jiang Cheng. It may be a squish I’m having. But that feeling I keep writing about over and over again in my novels,” Nie Huaisang shook his head, but he wasn’t sad, he was smiling “I still have never felt that in my entire life.”

Jiang Cheng nodded in understanding, having been aromantic his whole life as well, he understood Nie Huaisang’s stance on this. It was great to be able to just receive easy acceptance about his feelings, and not push-back, as he sometimes had from alloromantic acquaintances. Or worse yet, pity. Nie Huaisang did not felt sorry for not feeling romance, because if you ask him, he was living a really good life. And he’d never once suffered because he wasn’t in love with someone. He was just blissfully living his life in an ordinary manner, no matter what people thought of him.

When they left the restaurant Jiang Cheng took his leave about halfway home to head in another direction. Nie Huaisang walked, blasting some Britney Spears in his earphones, the sound of the bass thumping giving him an extra bounce in his step. When he reached the corner of a popular area for musicians, as there were a lot of singer-songwriter style bars around there, he spotted a familiar figure standing outside a bar called The Ghost General. It took Nie Huaisang a few moments to recognize him. He stopped abruptly when he did, far enough away that he wouldn’t be spotted in the dark of the evening. Wen Ning was out of his usual black jeans and hoodie and was now wearing a tight t-shirt and leather jacket on top, leather pants so tight Nie Huaisang could see every single one of his muscles move underneath the fabric. Even from across the distance. Damn. He looked gorgeous. His eyes were rimmed in black and he was talking to some people standing around him, who hugged him freely, messed with his hair and jokingly punched him in the arm. Horsing around. Was this where Wen Ning was going every Friday night?

Nie Huaisang didn’t know what to think. But it was obvious Wen Ning didn’t want him to know about it, so he went down the opposite side of the road instead. Taking the long way home. All the while he wondered what was so secretive about meeting some friends at a rock bar that he couldn’t just tell Huaisang about it? Or better yet invite him along. But maybe they weren’t there yet. Maybe Huaisang hadn’t earned boyfriend status yet and wasn’t close enough to him to be introduced to his friends. A small, irrational yet nagging thought plagued Huaisang’s mind; what if the real reason Wen Ning didn’t introduce him to his friends was because he was ashamed of him?

No.

Nie Huaisang shook that thought out of his head. Thinking like that wouldn’t do him any good. For better or worse, he decided to hold his judgment until he was ready to ask Wen Ning about it.

*  *  *

“Wen Ning. Am I… are you bored with me? With us?”

Wen Ning looked at Nie Huaisang with wide eyes, taken completely off guard, it seemed. It had taken Nie Huaisang two weeks to build up the courage to ask. Ever since having seen Wen Ning outside of a bar, dressed to the nines and joking around with people. Nie Huaisang had first not wanted to jump to any conclusions. Wen Ning had said that he would be spending his Friday nights with friends, but he hadn’t specified who these friends were or what they were doing together. Going to a bar is in itself not a bad thing. Most people go to bars to drink and get laid, but Wen Ning had never struck Nie Huaisang as the type of guy to do that. A lot of people also go to bars just to hang out with friends, or afterwork type of hangouts and maybe...Huaisang hoped, maybe that’s what he was doing.

Wen Ning’s silence on the matter was what really bothered Nie Huaisang. Whenever Huaisang had asked Wen Ning to do something with him on Fridays, he’d looked so guilty. And it only served to fuel Huaisang’s suspicions that he was doing something illicit. Perhaps they didn’t have a real relationship status yet and then for some people that is a sign that you can do whatever you want with whomever you want. As in date other people, or sleep with them. But for Huaisang – the kind of dating they did now felt more or less exclusive. Even if they hadn’t verbally agreed to it beforehand. Maybe Wen Ning didn’t feel the same way about their exclusivity as Huaisang did? And then there was the question of ...was this enough for Wen Ning? Was Huaisang holding him back from things he desired from his dates? Was Huaisang ever going to be enough for Wen Ning, even if he never wanted to have sex or kiss or do anything allo couples do?

“What??” Wen Ning looked scared where he was lying on Nie Huaisang’s bed, reading an old comic he’d found in Huaisang’s bookshelf. Nie Huaisang bit his lower lip in worry, not quite able to meet Wen Ning’s eyes anymore. He looked down at his nails, short and jagged and bitten down with how much he’d been worrying lately.

Wen Ning sat up abruptly on the bed, right at the edge. “What? No! I love us! I love-”... “I enjoy all of our time together. Why would you ask me that?”

Hearing Wen Ning say those words with such obvious desperation, clear-cut and quick, made something, some hard knot inside Huaisang’s guts loosen, just a little bit. He shrugged in response to Wen Ning’s counter question. Still not entirely convinced that everything was good between them.

When Huaisang still wasn't looking at him, Wen Ning moved from the bed to head over to the armchair where Huaisang was sitting. He kneeled in front of him, grabbing his fidgeting hands and warmed them between his own. A solid, grounding touch Huaisang didn’t know he needed until it was there, happening.

“You’d tell me right? If this...wasn’t enough for you?” Huaisang said, he didn’t like how his voice came out sounding brittle. If I wasn’t enough for you, lingered in his mind. Echoed with a kind of sadness Huaisang didn’t want to acknowledge nor dwell on.

“Are you thinking about...the aroace stuff?” Wen Ning asked. He knew. It wasn’t hard to figure out, but it helped that Huaisang didn’t have to say it himself. Didn’t have to spell it out. Calloused fingers drew comforting caresses over his hands, Wen Ning’s guitar-playing fingers.

Nie Huaisang finally looked at Wen Ning, his heart warmed by the sight of Wen Ning’s concern.

“Yes.” He admitted. Didn’t feel great about it but it was the truth. “I just...don’t want to hold you back if there are other people who can do those things with you. People who can give you...” Huaisang broke off, didn’t really know how to finish that sentence. “Sometimes I think maybe you’d want to be with someone who doesn’t have any concerns about sex or romantic gestures.”

Wen Ning, bless him, didn’t look at Huaisang with pity. He visibly regrouped his features, as he drew a deep breath and figured out exactly what he wanted to reply.

“I want to make it clear that I don’t want anybody else, Nie Huaisang. You’re the only one I want. You’re the only one that has been able to make me feel the things I feel right now. The only one in a long time.”

Huaisang felt himself blush. Even if he didn’t feel romantic attraction, being faced with that confession, that level of devotion made him feel good and warm and loved. Even if he didn’t feel romantic attraction, Nie Huaisang realized, he wanted to be loved, by Wen Ning very specifically.

A part of Huaisang wanted to ask what are those things? But he thought it best to ask that some other time.

“Maybe I never said so before, but I want you to know now; I accept you. Fully and truly for everything you are. I love spending time with you. Meeting you at the end of the day is the best part of my day. And I don’t care about kissing or sex. If you want to do some of that one day, I’ll be happy to try things out with you. But I’m not with you because I’m just waiting around to have sex with you. I hope you know that.”

Huaisang did sort of know that. But it still felt good to have verbal confirmation, so that he hadn’t just been making it all up in his mind that they were both fine and satisfied with their relationship.

Wen Ning brought Nie Huaisang’s hands to his lips. Kissed them as if Huaisang was a precious jewel. Someone to be cherished and kept forever.

“I want to be with you, and nobody else. No matter what we do or don’t do together.”

If there was a tear in Huaisang’s eye, it couldn’t be helped. How was Huaisang supposed to stop himself from being moved when Wen Ning was literal perfection?

Wen Ning saw the tear and wiped it gently from Huaisang’s cheek. He smiled, warm and sweet.

“Do you really mean that, Wen Ning?” Huaisang asked, even though he knew the answer.

“I do.” Wen Ning answered. “Who even cares about kissing anyway?” he tried to joke, waving a hand in dismissal. “All I want is to be close to you.”

“I care about kissing.” Huaisang said. He didn’t exactly mean to say it, but it sort of came out anyway. Because right at that moment, for some reason he couldn’t fathom, he did feel an overwhelming urge to kiss Wen Ning. He’d felt it here and there, in odd moments that didn’t make sense to him. But now, this time he really wanted to do it. Probably for the first time in his entire life.

A surprised expression made it’s way through Wen Ning’s face, his eyebrows drawn up towards his hairline. “You do?”

“That is to say, I care about kissing you...” Nie Huaisang said, letting his eyes drift towards Wen Ning’s lips and linger there for a moment. He saw how Wen Ning’s lips drew up on one side, like a tiny little smirk. How unfairly attractive, Huaisang thought. But that didn’t stop his trajectory. He leaned in, hovering over Wen Ning where he was still kneeling on the floor in front of him and pressed their lips together, soft, careful and tentative.

For the first time in his life Nie Huaisang didn’t feel unease while kissing someone. He didn’t feel like it was wrong, or uninteresting or like he wanted to run away. Quite the opposite, in fact. Kissing Wen Ning was definitely interesting. And pleasant and Nie Huaisang wanted to keep on kissing him. Needed more. Wen Ning opened his lips a little bit, cradling Nie Huaisang’s lower lip between his own. Soft, plush lips moved with his own. Only lips touching feeling each other out until Nie Huaisang made a small whimpering noise and Wen Ning surged forwards, tracing his tongue along the seam of Huaisang’s lips, his hands cupping Huaisang’s cheeks. It felt instinctual from then on, to open his mouth and let him in, let Wen Ning’s tongue lick into his mouth, exploring, in his own gentle way. Sweet, tentative licks of Wen Ning’s tongue against Nie Huaisang’s, his hands cradling his cheeks so carefully. It was all very, very pleasant, and Nie Huaisang may have lost himself a little to this moment.

When their lips parted, Wen Ning sat back again with a silly but enormously happy smile on his face. His lips red, his hair a tad disheveled. When had Huaisang messed up his hair? He hadn’t even noticed he’d been doing it. Huaisang blushed.

“So, kissing is on the table?” Wen Ning asked.

“Kissing is definitely on the table.” Nie Huaisang replied, feeling a bout of giggles coming on. He laughed, feeling more and more embarrassed. To hide his reddening face, he leaned forwards and threw his arms around Wen Ning’s neck, burying his face in the crook of his neck and inhaling his scent. He felt the deep rumble of a satisfied hum as Wen Ning drew him into his embrace, strong arms tight around his waist and back. On a sweet sigh, Nie Huaisang smiled and felt his shoulders relax more and more the longer he was held in Wen Ning’s steady arms.

*  *  *

“Where are we going?!” Nie Huaisang asked, being pulled along, hand in hand with Wen Ning as he led the way excitedly down the street, heading nowhere Nie Huaisang had ever been before. Or so he thought.

“You’ll see!” Wen Ning said, when he looked back at Nie Huaisang over his shoulder there was a big smile on his face, fond, secretive – and so, so beautiful.

When they arrived at their destination, Huaisang recognized the place – a shorter building next to tall ones, in the barhopping music district of town. The Ghost General.

“You wanted to know why I come here every Friday. I didn’t know how to tell you, so I’ll just show you.”

“You were...clubbing?” Nie Huaisang asked, non the wiser to why they were standing outside a rock bar.

Wen Ning’s laughter was loud, his smile so bright.

“I really hope you know me well enough by now to know that I’m not the clubbing type.”

That was true, Huaisang did know that Wen Ning was far too shy to go clubbing. Partying wasn’t his type of thing. Now that Huaisang thought about it, Wen Ning only devoted his time to things he really loved. Like reading, like music, the amount of time he’d sacrificed on thing he loved to be with Huaisang instead was staggering.

Still leading Huaisang by the hand they entered the club, he showed the bouncer a card he had, apparently special clearance to come in without paying. Holding Huaisang by the hand he was let in as well with no fuss.

“Just. Sit here. And wait for me.” Wen Ning said, his face turning redder by the second.

Huaisang sat down at one of the chairs closest to the stage, wondering what was going on. More and more people streamed into the venue. The Ghost General was starting to get crowded with people drinking beer and talking loudly over the background music. Huaisang found himself surrounded by people who looked eagerly towards the stage every once in a while. Some people were holding up signs that didn’t make sense to Huaisang. One of the bartenders walked up to the stage, presented a band that was about to play. Some people cheered loudly. Huaisang didn’t quite catch the name but whoever they were they had some fans in the audience. Where was Wen Ning? Had Wen Ning meant for them to watch the show together? In that case, where was he? What was he doing? What was Nie Huaisang doing there all alone?

As he looked around for Wen Ning, scanning the crowd, he didn’t at first notice the members of the band walk up to the stage and take up their instruments. A random guitar riff made him turn his head back to the stage again. The moment he set his eyes on the stage his eyes caught on a familiar figure. Up on stage, front and center, with a guitar strapped to his back and adjusting the microphone, was Wen Ning, looking like a black star in the spotlight. On stage with him were three other men and a woman whose face looked vaguely familiar. He turned his eyes back to Wen Ning who started mumbling something into the microphone. The crowd cheered.

What in the world was going on?

After everybody had settled with their instruments the drummer counted them in and they started playing, a cool, catchy, almost punky song that had the hitherto somewhat calm crowd all fired up. Huaisang was too stunned to do anything else but stare and gape as he watched the guy he was dating sing and play guitar on stage, looking so confident and turning into a veritable rock star.

While the first song had been an adrenaline fueled banger, their second song brought it down a little bit with more of an emotional emphasis, the lyrics describing the feeling of excitement and likening the feeling to the fluttering beat of butterfly wings inside his chest. Wen Ning’s voice was gorgeous. Huaisang could feel every single note, high and low, bellowing or frail deep inside his bones. His heart swelled. He knew Wen Ning loved music. Had worked with music and musicians in a studio for a few years. But he had never once felt confident to stand on a stage and sing himself. He had told Huaisang this as soon as he’d asked about his music, his passions and aspirations. He’d always said the studio was enough. Even when Huaisang had encouraged him to reach for more, having noted how he had probably been holding back. He’d never once hinted that what he really wanted to do was sing. And here he was now, singing.

Every song was good. Every song had the crowd more and more excited. And Huaisang couldn’t help but to cheer them on, once he’d recovered from the initial shock of seeing the guy he was dating on a stage all of a sudden. He screamed and whooped as loudly as the loudest fans.

When they got a few more songs in, Wen Ning took a break, drank some water and talked to his band members and they all nodded at each other, preparing for the next song. Without further ado he grabbed the microphone and said looking in Huaisang’s direction:

“I wrote this song for my boyfriend.”

Huaisang was melting into the ground. His face had to be firetruck red. Not that anyone in the packed bar would have noticed. The crowd roared beside him and all around him but it was like he’d gone deaf to other people around him, because all Huaisang could hear was Wen Ning’s clear and beautiful voice as he sang one of the prettiest and most intimate songs Huaisang had ever heard in his entire life. The lyrics were highly personal. It was the story of the two of them told from Wen Ning’s perspective. Maybe Huaisang had never understood exactly what it was that Wen Ning felt for him. But he was starting to now. He was shyer singing this song, but it only came out as more sensitive and expressive, a beautiful poet baring his soul to the one he… did Huaisang dare to dream?

It was over far too soon and the band picked things up on more familiar notes, judging by the wails of the audience. Some people were singing along, but Huaisang was still stuck on the previous song. He felt like he would never forget this moment for as long as he lived.

When the gig was over and the crowd had dispersed somewhat someone came up to him, a guy working at the bar, it seemed.

“Hey, are you Nie Huaisang?”

“Yes?” Huaisang confirmed, even though it sounded like a question.

“Come with me, band wants you to come backstage.”

As soon as he came to the dressing room Huaisang stopped in his tracks. The other band members were talking in a cheerful manner, seemed in high spirits about the turnout. But when Huaisang came into the room there was one member who stopped talking to the others. For a while they just stood there and stared at each other. Wen Ning. Dressed all in black. Similar clothes to the other time Huaisang had seen him outside this very bar. Black, tight pants with a shine to them, a simple black tank top showing his gorgeous arms and a long silver chain hanging from his neck. The necklace accented by all the black. He had eyeliner on. Huaisang wondered who did his makeup before shows. After a moment of staring Wen Ning came up to him. Huaisang felt himself blush. Those lyrics coming to mind. The words that preceded the song. I wrote this song for my boyfriend.

Looking up at Wen Ning Huaisang closed a fist and hit his stupid, buff chest once or twice. It was a soft hit. More of a bump really. But Wen Ning’s expression was worried, despite Huaisang knowing he couldn’t hold back the adoration in his eyes.

“Why didn’t you just tell me that you’re a singer?”

“I was too nervous.” Wen Ning answered. Huaisang’s fist loosened and slid down his chest and then along his arm and found his hand. Holding one hand with both of his he asked.

“What are you nervous about? It’s just me.” Huaisang smiled.

Wen Ning laughed, a short staccato sound.

“I’m nervous because it’s you. What you think is important to me.”

The gay gods save him, Wen Ning was literal perfection.

“Did you like it?” Wen Ning asked, his eyes were hopeful. His shoulders somewhat more relaxed.

“The song?” Huaisang asked, playing with Wen Ning’s fingers.

“Yes.”

“I loved it. It was incredible. You’re incredible, Wen Ning.” Huaisang said, looking up at Wen Ning and feeling so fond, such amazement that there was such a man as Wen Ning in the world.

Wen Ning chuckled, visibly squirming in place at the praise. “You really think so?”

“I really, really do.” Nie Huaisang said “You have an amazing voice and you write beautiful songs. I’m just jealous I didn’t get to hear them first.”

Wen Ning bit his lower lip. But there was a smile on his face. Embarrassed or just guilt-ridden, who knew? Maybe it was somewhere in between.

“Next time, I’ll sing them to you first.” Wen Ning promised.

“I’ll hold you to that.” Nie Huaisang said and then pulled Wen Ning in by the shirt, winding his arms around Wen Ning’s neck and kissed him. Wen Ning answered the kiss immediately, one hand resting at Huaisang’s waist, the other at his hip.

“So you’re the guy my brother’s been writing all these sappy love songs about, huh?”

As Nie Huaisang and Wen Ning broke away from the kiss Huaisang saw the only woman in the band address them. Brother? Is that why she had looked kind of familiar?

“Oh my god, Wen Qing, you can’t just interrupt a kiss like that. They were having a beautiful moment!” Someone called Ouyang Zizhen complained, but reached out his hand and introduced himself enthusiastically to Huaisang. This guy was a little bit younger than the rest. Huaisang remembered him as the drummer.

Another one of the band members came up to greet them. “The songs are actually quite brilliant, so are all of the songs our Wen Ning have been writing lately.” A guy with a calm demeanor said who was introduced to Huaisang as Song Lan.

“Brilliant? They’re downright inspired. They’re going to make us into legends, I tell you!” The last of the group exclaimed from across the room. When Xiao Xingchen introduced himself he smiled brilliantly at Huaisang. Ouyang came up to lean on his bandmate’s shoulder and looked adoringly between Nie Huaisang and Wen Ning, as if he expected them to kiss again or something. Huaisang felt his face redden when he remembered they’d been caught kissing by the whole band just a few moments ago. He briefly wished he had one of his fans to hide behind. Instead he hid his face momentarily in Wen Ning’s shoulder, masquerading it as a hug.

“Aaaw” Ouyang cooed. “He’s so cute! Your boyfriend is so adorable, Wen Ning.”

“Um, Nie Huaisang. These terrible embarrassments are my band members.” He said dismissively.

Wen Qing cleared her throat pointedly.

“Oh, and my sister.”

“It’s so nice to meet you all.” Nie Huaisang beamed, gave the room a little bow and a wave of a hand.

“It is very nice to meet you too. I finally have a face to all of the stories I’ve heard lately.” Wen Qing said with a satisfied smile on her face.

“Stories?” Huaisang asked.

“My brother won’t shut up about you. It’s always Nie Huaisang this and Nie Huaisang that.”

“Um. Anyway, I’m done with all of these degenerates for today, you all can pack up the stuff and I’ll see you tomorrow. I’ve got to walk Huaisang home.” Wen Ning said hurriedly, pulling his leather jacket on and ushering Huaisang through the door.

“But-” Huaisang said, wanting to hear more about how Wen Ning had talked about him.

“Did you tell him all of the new songs are about him? Did you tell him that, Wen Ning? Did you?” Huaisang heard Ouyang shout in their direction before the door was firmly slammed shut by Wen Ning and nothing more could be heard from the room.

Outside the bar Wen Ning reached his hand out towards Nie Huaisang who gladly took it in his own. They walked like this, hand in hand on their way home to Huaisang’s apartment at a leisurely pace in the starlit streets of the night. The mood was comfortable, yet there was something that Huaisang couldn’t help but think about. Something that had echoed in his mind since mid-show.

“So...” Huaisang said, a big smile on his face “you called me your boyfriend.”

Wen Ning blushed. “I did.”

There was silence as they walked for a few more paces.

“I know we haven’t really discussed it. If we’re, you know, together together...”

“I liked it.” Huaisang admitted.

Wen Ning stopped in the middle of the sidewalk to look at Huaisang. Other people walking behind them had to maneuver past them. But Wen Ning didn’t seem to care. His sole focus was on Huaisang.

“You did?” His voice was so hopeful. “You mean you want to-”

“I do.” Huaisang said. Didn’t even let him finish the sentence because he knew what he meant.

Wen Ning smiled so brightly for a moment that Huaisang thought he’d go blind from the dazzling light. But then just as quickly his smile dimmed. Huaisang missed his smile immediately.

“Just to be clear. I’m asking if you want to be my boyfriend. If you want to be in an exclusive, serious relationship with me, Nie Huaisang.”

Nie Huaisang didn’t know what he’d done in his life to deserve someone as good and pure and altogether perfect as Wen Ning. He must have saved an emperor in a previous life to have been so blessed in this one. Nie Huaisang smiled, looking up at Wen Ning, winding both hands with his, fingers intertwined.

“I want all of those things, Wen Ning. I want everything. I want all of the seriousness with you. And all of the laughter too.” He answered.

Wen Ning’s hands untangled their fingers to flutter up to cup Huaisang’s cheeks. They stood there kissing for a few moments, oblivious to the world around them. Then they continued walking home to Nie Huaisang’s apartment.

“So when do I get to meet your sister again?” Huaisang asked, loved the expression on Wen Ning’s face when she was mentioned, the blush that spread from his cheeks down his neck and beyond.

“Never.” Wen Ning decided. Huaisang threw his head back as he laughed. Yes, he would take all of the seriousness of their relationship, and all the laughter too.