Archive of Our Own

Kimi would be laughing like hell if he could see him now, Sebastian thinks, as he steps into his kitchen, their kitchen, after two whole weeks. 

Two weeks felt like an impossible year to him.

Two weeks since he's heard his boyfriend laugh at him every time he'd puff his chest out, claiming he could cook better than Kimi.

Two weeks which would turn into a month, and then into a year and more, because Sebastian knew Kimi wasn't coming back.

Sebastian shook his head, an attempt to snap himself out of those thoughts he labeled as ‘danger zone’ in his head. He wouldn't go there, no. He was supposed to cook. And he'd focus on that.

The kitchen was clean, too clean for even Sebastian's liking, which was a big statement, considering Sebastian was the kind of person who preferred to stay organized, while the older man had an image of being messy and littered.

However, that wasn't quite the actual case. Kimi was an organized person too, much more organized than Sebastian had ever been. He just never cared to show it. The Finn always kept his things to himself, whether it was his habits or his emotions. And then Sebastian entered Kimi's life, and he discovered how alluring Kimi actually was.

Kimi knew how to cook, obviously . Kimi knew how to do everything and anything- he knew how to play ice hockey, badminton, cricket, football, knew how to stunt on a motorbike, knew how to ride a jet-ski, knew how to paint a house, a goddamn house , and most importantly, he knew how to cook, unlike Sebastian. 

Sebastian only knew two things- to beat others in those deadly fast racing cars and to fall in love with Kimi. And he ended up doing both of them, even though he never thought he'd get a chance to.

To Sebastian, Kimi was perfect, in every sense of the word.

The kitchen was the proof of it. So neat and distinguishably arranged.

Sebastian always said he could never do that, like he said he would never be able to cook half as good as Kimi, even though he'd never admit that out loud to his boyfriend's face.

Although Sebastian had made up his mind today- he would cook. He had to cook.

For two weeks, he had been surviving on take-outs, or the casseroles his friends and neighbors would send over to his house. He didn't have the energy to leave his room and enter the kitchen to make himself even a cup of coffee, let alone try to cook and set the kitchen on fire while doing so, or burn himself while trying to make an omelet. He wouldn't dare, because Kimi would be so mad at him if he hurt himself.

But Kimi wasn't here anymore. He wasn't coming back and if Sebastian didn't eat something healthy or didn't take care of himself, Kimi would get upset and pretend to not talk to him. And Sebastian hated that. So he won’t be doing something that could potentially make Kimi not talk to him. 

The German found himself standing in the middle of the kitchen, with no idea of what to cook, when his eyes fell on a particular piece of paper sticking on the refrigerator door.

It was a recipe of paneer butter masala that Kimi left for him, scribbled in a lazy but clean handwriting on a white sticky note, before he left for his team's headquarters two weeks ago. 

Sebastian knew Kimi was leaving; he told him about it the night before, and the younger one was a little sad as he wanted to come along too, but he had caught a mild fever. There was no way Kimi would compromise Sebastian's health for anything. He kept on insisting constantly to stay by his lover's side but Sebastian was the one who convinced him to go to the office, reminding him how duty was as important as anything else, as he was the owner of the racing team himself, and it wouldn't be nice for anyone if the owner bailed out on meetings.

If Kimi was stubborn, Sebastian was the father of stubbornness. So in the end, the Finn had to yield, and promised to come back home to his boyfriend as soon as the meeting ended, which was the sole reason he needed to be present there.

But currently, Sebastian wished he hadn't been stubborn that night, that he had been selfish and kept his boyfriend at home with him instead. Kimi, ofcourse, would call it a day off and the meeting would have gone on just fine without Kimi. Sebastian should have pretended to be more sick than he actually was, and his boyfriend would've ditched any thought in his head that wasn't related to Sebastian's well-being. Even if Kimi knew that Sebastian was acting, he wouldn't have said a thing. He secretly loved to deal with the younger man's tantrums, and adored him even more every time he'd act like a spoiled brat.

Sebastian should have visited Kimi's family when Kimi asked him if he wanted to.

Sebastian should have tried to learn how to cook every time Kimi offered to teach him.

Sebastian should have also said yes when Kimi proposed to him with that simple yet elegant silver ring on his birthday out of the blue.

Sebastian should have done a lot of things, but he never did. He always thought he had a lot of time to think about it all, that he had a lot of time with Kimi. Little did he know how foolish he had been to think that.

Kimi wrote that note because he was aware of how much Sebastian loved that dish, and had already prepared some soup for him before he left, along with another note sticking next to the recipe that read ‘I know you love butter but don't put too much of it in or you'll make your throat bad again, and don't eat too much or you'll puke. If you don't feel like you can cook, call me and I'll be back. And I promise I'll be back as soon as I'm done at the office. Love, Kimi.’

The German had no idea when or how he got water on his face, but his cheeks started to feel wet all off a sudden. And who was he kidding, really? It wasn't water that was staining his cheeks wet, which were still rosy from the fever he had. He was sure it wasn't actually the fever that made his face so puffy, either.

In any other circumstances, Sebastian would be trying to conceal a shy smile while Kimi would be admiring the blush on his boyfriend's cheeks. Sebastian knew how much Kimi loved it when he started to blush, it was visible on his face. Anyone could tell that the Finn's brain would short-circuit every time he caught the deep shade of scarlet creeping up the younger man's snow white skin. 

Anyone could tell that Kimi was much more in love with Sebastian's existence than Sebastian could've ever been with Kimi's.

This time for Sebastian, it was his loneliness, his regret, his anger, his helplessness, and his numbness that painted his cheeks red. 

If Kimi never went out on that godforsaken day, the snow would have never started to fall that heavily.

If Sebastian only made Kimi believe that he needed him more than his acquaintances did that day, the windshield wipers of the car would have never stopped working all of a sudden.

If Kimi only stayed in with Sebastian that day, the car from the other lane hadn't lost its control and rammed into Kimi's.

If Sebastian never let Kimi pick up that call from his team's headquarters, Kimi wouldn't have lost his life to that unfortunate car accident.

If Kimi only had been more stubborn than Sebastian that day, Sebastian would have never had to stay at that hospital for two weeks, waiting for the news of his lover being alive and well, all while being sleep deprived and hungry.

The whole situation was quite ironic, and if Kimi was here, he would call it hilarious how a man, who made living out of driving cars over the limit of 300 kph every weekend on a racing track, flat out, for half of his life- who had been a world champion- lost his life to an accident in which there had been no fault of his own. Kimi would surely find it amusing, and Sebastian would have scolded him a little for that.

Kimi wasn't here though, and that made all the difference in the blue eyed man’s life. 

Sebastian didn't have anyone to scold anymore. 

Sebastian didn't have anyone to dance with under refrigerator light during midnight while some cheeky 50s love song was playing softly in the background, or someone who'd let him win at badminton because he'd whine if he lost.

Sebastian didn't have anyone who'd scold him when he'd skip meals or take his health lightly, making him eat in their scrutiny.

Sebastian didn't have anyone who'd cook for him or shower him with expensive gifts, or take him out on cheesy romantic dates, just to spoil the hell out of him.

Sebastian didn't have anyone, who'd pretend to be angry at him just to surprise him with a marriage proposal later on.

Sebastian didn't have anyone who so madly loved him as if it was the only way he could achieve Nirvana.

Sebastian didn't have Kimi anymore- and he didn't know how to deal with that.

Kimi was perfection, and he made Sebastian's boring life perfect and brand new ever since he flashed him his sharklike brilliant grin when the German met him for the first time at the age of 16. Sebastian was naïve, and when Kimi smiled at him, Kimi was just being friendly, but Sebastian's naïvity got the better of him and he took that smile to be a little more than just a friendly gesture.

Sure, Sebastian fell in love with Kimi first, while the other man took it as nothing more than an act of platonic companionship. 

But then one day, Sebastian made a bold move, and kissed Kimi on the day when the Finn became a world champion for Ferrari, planning to blame it on the alcohol later on, and that situation never came, because Kimi kissed him back.

"You...you like me?" Sebastian blurted out, his fingertips touching his lips softly which were still swollen because of the kiss he had just shared with the man of his dreams, as he felt drunk on the sensation of finally knowing what Kimi tastes like.

"We're friends, Sebby," Kimi frowned, "obviously I like you."

"No no I mean....you like me as in more than friends?"

"I just kissed you, Sebby. How else am I supposed to tell you that I want to be more than just friends with you?"

Sebastian just stared back at him in disbelief.

"What? You think I kiss everyone on the mouth?"

Sebastian chuckled lightly at the remark, amused by the expression on the older man's face, "I don't know."

Kimi frowned even harder, "How am I supposed to tell you that I love you?"

Sebastian's brain fused at what he heard. 

"Love? You..you l-love me?"

Kimi nodded so fast the younger man was scared his head would fall off his body.

"Why?"

"Because you're so beautiful that it's impossible to not love you." Kimi said, his lips forming a pleased grin, "and because I love brats. So yeah you're definitely my type."

"You're such a liar." Sebastian playfully punched the other man in the chest, who took it as an opportunity to wrap his fingers around the his wrist and pulled him against his chest, before kissing him as if Sebastian was something Kimi craved all his life.

Sebastian couldn't believe his luck back then, and he couldn't believe his fate now.

Life gave him something so unattainable- it gave him Kimi fucking Räikkönen, just to take him away after 21 years from him, forever.

The young German could feel something heavy and itchy in his throat bubble up, as his eyes started to sting more and more with how much he had begun to cry.

“Kimi,” He croaked, as he let himself fall on the floor with a thud, “just… come back. ”

He let himself cry out loud, let his own ears hear the pain of his heart, let the heavens and the hell become aware of his suffering.

“You promised you'd come back to me, Kimi, y-you promised me!” He sobbed out, and a stupid voice in the back of his head still hoped that his boyfriend, his future husband, from somewhere, would come running to him all of a sudden and would wrap his safe hands around his frame.

Kimi wouldn't come back though, the ring hanging from the chain in Sebastian's neck was the cruel reminder of that.

And this time, Sebastian let himself get mad at Kimi for breaking a promise, as Kimi never broke a promise that he made to Sebastian. But this time he did.

Kimi promised him a forever but left him alone and too soon.

Sebastian was supposed to be mad, he had every right to be.

But he didn't know who he was more mad at- his life, Kimi, or at himself.

Or at all three of them.

Sebastian didn't know anything anymore, as his hand clutched onto the silver ring tightly, afraid he'd lose the only thing that made him feel closer to what and who he was mourning.

Sebastian just wanted Kimi back.

Kimi was perfect, and he wasn't in Sebastian's life anymore.

Sebastian's life was boring once again, but it never used to be half as dull as how it had become now that Kimi wasn't here with him.

Sebastian's life was Kimi, and Kimi was gone, buried six feet under, along with Sebastian's soul, dreams and his broken heart.

Kimi knew everything, while Sebastian knew only two things-

Racing and Kimi.

Sebastian let go of racing two years ago, and he was okay with that, because Kimi was there with him.

Sebastian never knew how to let go of Kimi, though.