Chapter Text
It's 3pm on Sunday, and Sanji sits cross-legged in his oversized recliner, swiping mostly left absent-mindedly on Tinder. Robin relaxes on the couch nearby, sipping her tea while reading through a romance novel. The silence is companionable, comfortable.
Sanji has grown to really love the parallel play they engage in each Sunday. It helps him to reset after a long week at Baratie, working in the kitchen his father rules with an iron fist (leg?). And with Robin, thankfully, Sanji never really needs to say much at all. She is just as happy to soak in the silence as she would be to hold deep and meaningful conversations about life and death. She always seems to sense the vibe and acts accordingly.
So on this Sunday, when Sanji freezes in his chair and his breath catches in his throat, Robin chooses to watch him carefully and wait for him to speak.
"Robin, ma chérie…" Sanji calls, although his voice is barely a whisper.
Robin raises an eyebrow and tilts her head, gently closing her book and resting it on her lap. "Yes, Sanji?"
"Do you believe in love at first sight?" Sanji is looking at Robin with such intensity, she can't help but giggle, hiding her smile behind her hand.
"Well, stranger things have happened, I believe. Why do you ask?"
Sanji practically launches himself at her and lands on his knees beside the couch. Robin blinks at him in surprise, but smiles again when he holds up his phone to show her what prompted his question.
"Ah. Your dating app." She takes Sanji's phone into her hands. The first photo on the profile is a simple mirror selfie taken at the gym. The man's arms bulge out of his sweat-soaked gray t-shirt and his green hair is a mess. His smile shows off pearly white teeth, with unusually sharp canines. His left eye appears sealed shut, and the silver scar that runs from his forehead down his left cheek contrasts with his tan skin. Three gold earrings glint off his left ear. Overall, though, it's your typical after-workout selfie.
"My, how handsome. He looks strong, frighteningly so. I wonder how he got that scar?" She points to the man's left eye.
Sanji is visibly shaking with excitement. "I don't know, but I want to know. I want to know everything. His bio doesn't really say much except he likes swords? Ah, but look at this!" Sanji swipes to the next photo.
A shirtless picture clearly taken by someone else. He's looking to the left, one hand running through his hair, the other on his hip, showcasing his strong arms once more. Across his chest from his right shoulder down to his left hip runs a long, jagged scar. His nipples are pierced with golden bars that match his earrings.
"Another fascinating scar. Surely he nearly died when he received that one. Perhaps your love interest gets into sword fights often?" Robin giggles at her double entendre, but it goes right over Sanji's head.
"Do you see the same thing I see? I don't give a shit about the scar, pardon my language. Look at his chest." Sanji points at the screen again, eyes wide and desperate. "How are his muscles so… And his arms, Robin-love. Look!"
"I noticed he has rather large breasts. And pierced nipples." Robin nods. "His armpit hair is green as well. I suspect the curtains match the drapes."
"Robin!" Sanji gasps. "It's too much for me. It's just too much." He whimpers and shakes his head, but composes himself. "Look at this." Sanji swipes to the next photo quickly. "This one is my favorite."
Another selfie of the man, this time sporting glasses. He's wearing a long sleeved shirt that is probably a size too small, and in his arms he holds a long-haired white cat with a black splotch of hair in the middle of its head.
"Look at his cat, Robin-dear. And his glasses." Sanji stresses. "This is why I asked about love at first sight. I've been in love many times but this," Sanji points to the picture again, "this… is too much."
Robin laughs, a full body laugh that surprises Sanji. "Oh, Robin my dove, when you laugh like that I think I can forget about whatever-his-name-is. I love you so much, my mellorine!"
This only makes Robin laugh harder. "Sanji, my dear. I think this man would be very lucky to know you." She passes the phone back to Sanji. "Be sure to swipe right on him." Robin tilts her head and smiles brightly at Sanji, who melts into the floor at the sight.
"That means so much coming from you!" Sanji takes one last look at… "Zoro. His name is Roronoa Zoro." and swipes right.
He is instantly met with "You matched with Zoro!" and Sanji guffaws. He tosses the phone across the room and clutches his chest, suddenly unable to breathe.
Robin blinks down at Sanji from the couch. "Did it electrocute you?"
"No! No, it just… we… it said we matched. So… he already swiped right on me before I did on him." Sanji swears the room is spinning right now. His matches are few and far between, and they never move past the awkward 'hi how are you' phase. He picks up his phone from where it landed, stares at the screen, and puts it face-down on the floor. Then picks it up again. "What do I even say to someone like that? Robin-dear, look at him. Look at me. What do I say?"
"You say hello, and see what he says back."
"That's it? Just… hello?"
"To start, yes."
Sanji looks at his phone. Opens the app. Closes it. "I can't."
Robin reaches down and takes the phone gently from his hand.
Now he's matched with this incredible looking man? It's too good to be true. Sanji flops onto his back and stares at the ceiling. "What if he only swiped right because my pictures are good? What if I'm a disappointment in person? I took those pictures on a very good day, Robin-love. A very specific, good day."
"Sanji."
"My hair was doing something exceptional that day. It doesn't always do that."
"Sanji." Robin's voice is patient, amused. "You should make contact with him."
"You're right. You're completely right." He sits up, takes his phone back with great solemnity, and opens the app again. Stares at it. "...I can't."
Robin reaches down and pats his head reassuringly. Sanji leans into her touch.
His phone buzzes and dings, the tone unmistakably an alert from Tinder. Suddenly it's across the room again.
"Oh… oh my fucking God. Language again, I'm sorry! Robin-love, what if that's him messaging me? Robin-dear, what if he..."
"Sanji. Pick up your phone and let's read it together, shall we?"
Sanji moans and crawls across the room. The sight is comical enough to make Robin giggle again. "Poor thing. All is not lost, yet. You haven't even begun, truthfully." She points out.
"I'm too afraid to look. I can't handle this. What if all he says is 'hi.' I'll just die right here." He slinks back toward Robin and lays face down on the floor near the couch.
"Now, now, my friend. Let me see, first." Sanji holds up his phone and doesn't move from the floor.
Robin taps open the message. She says, "Dad joke or animal fact?" Robin smiles and looks down at Sanji, who is already groaning miserably.
"Why is my life like this, Robin-dear? Must everything be a joke?" He whines rather pitifully.
"I replied, dad joke. I feel it will be most enlightening."
Sanji whips his head up and stares at her wide-eyed. She returns his gaze with a cheeky grin. "A sense of humor is important, is it not?"
"Traîtresse!" Sanji laments. "My best friend, I thought I could trust you." Sanji flops back down onto the floor. "Did he reply?" he asks, though his sentence is muffled by the rug.
"Oh, he replied right away. He said, 'I have a whole line of trees outside my house.'" She pauses. "He owns a house or do you suppose that was part of the joke?" She muses.
Sanji groans into the rug.
"He then said, 'I don't trust those trees. They seem pretty shady.' Which he followed with the sunglasses emoji." Robin nods and looks down at Sanji.
He rolls over onto his back and folds his hands on his stomach. "That was the stupidest thing I've ever heard. Unbelievable. Gimme that." He holds up his hand for his phone. Robin returns it promptly.
"That. was. terrible… and I think… I… hate you…" he says aloud as he types. "Sent." Sanji sighs deeply. "I don't believe in love at first sight anymore. How could I, after that?" He looks up at Robin who smiles sympathetically at him.
"Well, my friend. Perhaps give the swordsman a chance. You never know, maybe he struggles to connect with new people or is not the best at digital communication."
Sanji's phone pings again and he eyes it wearily. The message reads 'Let me take you on a date before you decide you hate me, blondie.'
"Blondie?!" Sanji throws his phone again. He puts both hands over his face and groans.
Robin gets up to retrieve it this time. Sanji barely registers the tapping of her nails on the screen.
"Wednesday at 7 at Shakky's." Robin sits down gently on the couch again.
"Quoi?" Sanji sits up to look at Robin.
"I told him Wednesday at 7..."
"I heard what you said." He holds up a hand. "Sorry. But I'm not sure why you wou..."
"He accepted." She tilts her head and smiles as she holds the phone out for Sanji. "You may want to exchange phone numbers for easier communication."
Sanji blinks. He looks at the messages, up at his friend, and back down at the messages.
"Sanji. You and I know very well how often the opportunity arises for you to have dates. I will not allow you to pass up a chance at the love you so desperately desire." Robin looks very seriously at Sanji, then softens a bit. "You deserve to be loved. Please, give the swordsman a chance. You never know."
"What if he's just good-looking but is actually weird? Or creepy?" Sanji throws his hands in the air and flops back onto the floor for the third time. "And his bio literally only says he likes swords. I'm second guessing everything, Mellorine." Sanji bemoans.
"Well, if he murders you with those swords, please haunt me from beyond the veil. I would love to know what it's like being a restless spirit bound to this mortal coil." A thoughtful pause. "Perhaps it's not quite unlike life as we know it now." Another head tilt, another smile. "I shall take my leave now and give you space to process what remains of your life. Text me and let me know how it goes~" She pauses. "Or don't, and that is how I will know to search for your remains. Au revoir, Sanji~"
Sanji groans and waves his hand as Robin floats out the door, giggling to herself.
He lays there for a long time afterwards. The apartment is very quiet without her. He stares at the ceiling and says out loud to no one, "I've been in love a hundred times and it has never once looked like that." He pauses. "What is wrong with me."
It isn't a question.
He picks up his phone. Pulls up the profile again and just looks at the third picture for a while. The cat. The glasses. The shirt that's slightly too small. "You'd better not be weird," he tells the screen. "I'm serious. I will not survive it if you're weird."
His phone pings and breaks him out of his thoughts. "Oh, he sent his phone number? Merde… I need a cigarette."