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Naegi’s too kind.
Seriously, Komaeda doesn’t even know why Naegi is still putting up with someone like him until now. His incompetence and their difference in abilities have been overly evident with each day that they are together, yet Naegi is still around and it doesn’t seem like he’ll be leaving any time soon.
Komaeda’s lucky, too lucky. Meeting Naegi is probably his strongest stroke of good luck in a long while.
Despite the apparent reality that he absolutely doesn’t deserve to be even just around Naegi, he can’t deny that he's impudent enough to selfishly want to continue their relationship with the best of his abilities. His ‘best’ most probably doesn’t contribute much, but he knows that he's willing to do everything he can just to be a decent partner at least.
Naegi always goes like ‘you're fine this way, Komaeda-kun’ or ‘you're already doing enough, it’s okay’, but Komaeda just knows that he still has so, so much to improve, so much to work on, so much to do just to be anywhere near ‘okay’.
Last time was proof.
Last time—he stupidly decided to offer his useless help to one of Naegi’s classmates, namely, Fujisaki. He thought that he was finally doing something worthwhile with his good-for-nothing existence, but it turns out that because of his meddling, he ended up disrespecting Naegi’s wishes. Wishes that are, not to mention, made just because Naegi was concerned about Komaeda’s wellbeing.
Naegi was just looking out for him, yet he had to go ahead without thinking and plunge in whatever idea he has in mind at that moment.
He feels so sorry for Naegi, really. He feels so sorry that someone who is as perfect as Naegi had to be stuck with someone who is so terribly inferior, someone who can’t do anything properly, someone who, despite trying hard, is just doomed to fail and fail no matter what.
He feels so sorry for Naegi because no matter how one looks at it, it would rightfully be concluded that Naegi deserves someone way better.
--
Last year, Komaeda gave Hinata a handkerchief for Hope’s Peak’s tradition. In return, Hinata gave him an alarm clock. People might think that an alarm clock is a rather cold gift, totally devoid of sentimental value, but Komaeda understands that that’s just how Hinata is.
It’s not that Hinata’s cold. It’s just that Hinata’s a pragmatic kind of person, Komaeda knows, and he can remember that his previous alarm clock that time broke because of an unfortunate accident. Komaeda most carelessly pushed the alarm clock off the table at the end of his bed when he was just trying to press the ‘snooze’ button, and that resulted to its face getting shattered into pieces.
Komaeda recalls that all the traces of sleep in him instantaneously disappeared when that happened.
Hinata was there to witness that display of Komaeda’s stupidity and carelessness, and he took it upon himself to give Komaeda a new alarm clock.
For this year, Komaeda wonders what he should give Hinata… Hinata too has been really kind to him, tolerating his terribly horrible behavior, and Komaeda just wants to express his gratitude so much. Hinata and Naegi’s kindness to him gives him hope, so he wants to give the both of them the best gifts that he can think of.
The problem is he can’t think of anything…
Komaeda quietly opens the door to their dorm room, expecting Hinata to be studying at the moment. The last thing that he’d want is to be the one who'll break Hinata’s concentration, after all. He sees Hinata on his usual spot at the study table, but it turns out that his focus wasn’t on the books splayed before him.
“Huh? But that’s, like, next week! Please, I’ll just make it up to you.” Hinata seems to be preoccupied, talking to someone on his cell phone at the moment. Komaeda decides to be even more discreet so as to not interrupt Hinata’s conversation with whoever he's talking to. Despite his best efforts to stay silent though, Hinata turns around to promptly wave at him, a gesture that Komaeda returns. “Okay, but—hello? Mom?”
Hinata seems to not receive a response anymore as he puts down his phone, groaning, before turning to Komaeda. Hinata flashes him a small smile, and Komaeda decides to smile back, only, wider. He doesn’t know if it’s just his imagination, but these days, Hinata seems like he doesn’t really want to talk. It’s as if he was just maintaining a respectful distance to not seem rude, and Komaeda can’t help thinking that maybe he did something wrong.
“Hello, Hinata-kun.” Komaeda greets anyway. Like he always thinks, he understands if Hinata doesn’t want to do anything with him anymore, if anyone doesn’t want to do anything with him anymore, but he thinks it would be even ruder if he decides to be the first one to stop approaching them because of a hunch like that. He just doesn’t have the right. “What was that about, if you don’t mind telling? You seem a bit stressed out.”
“Ah, it’s nothing.” Hinata promptly replies. “I was just, uh, asking my mom a favor, that’s all.”
“Oh, I see. I hope she grants it soon.” Komaeda nods. Hinata doesn’t seem to be interested in divulging more, so he's not going to push it. “How was Hinata-kun’s day?”
“It’s been okay.” The reply was short. Komaeda wonders if it would be too impertinent of him if he asks then and there if Hinata is upset about something concerning him. “How about yours?”
“Nothing too eventful, haha! Something has been on my mind though.” Komaeda says, and Hinata nods, urging him to continue. Hinata really is too nice. He still finds it in himself to listen to Komaeda’s worthlessly screechy voice despite his evident disinterest. “As we both know, Hope’s Peak’s foundation day is pretty soon, and I was wondering if there's a particular item that Hinata-kun would want to receive this year.”
“Oh.” It looks like it took Hinata a while to realize that Komaeda was actually giving him an indirect question. “Well, uh, anything’s okay, I guess… You're still giving me something?”
“Ah.” Komaeda feels a wave of shame washing over him. “I'm sorry… As I thought, it would make Hinata-kun uncomfortable to receive something from me again—”
“Wait, no, no, that’s not it.” Hinata quickly interrupts, his eyebrows furrowing. Komaeda wonders how many wrong things he has done already. It seems that every move is a misstep, and he just keeps on annoying and annoying everyone around him. “I was just, um, surprised. Okay? I didn’t think you'd still give me one… but of course I’d love to receive a gift from you. Sorry for being unclear about that one.”
“Oh, is that so…” The shame that Komaeda felt still doesn’t settle down. He wonders if Hinata means that or if he's just being nice again. He's very kind, so it won’t be farfetched to assume that he just doesn’t want to humiliate Komaeda in this situation that is already sufficiently awkward. “Um… I'm not forcing you to answer, but is there a reason why Hinata-kun would think that I won’t give him anything? I mean, I know I'm not much, and we don’t really hang out every day now, but… we’re still…” Komaeda’s almost scared to continue. “…best friends, right?”
And Komaeda realizes that he's more scared to hear the answer.
Especially when Hinata looked so surprised upon hearing his question, and Komaeda never wanted to backpedal so much in his entire life. It took a while before Hinata finally replied, saying, “Of course we are.”
That hesitance didn’t go unnoticed by Komaeda. Hinata was obviously trying to seem convincing, but that short pause before delivering his reply was enough. Komaeda knows that it isn’t his place to be upset, but he acknowledges that he’d be lying if he says that he isn’t hurt to notice that Hinata seems to have become distant and cold now.
It’s probably his fault anyway.
So he should just suck this up.
--
“Naegi-kun… Would you mind if I… whine at you for a bit?” Komaeda’s decision to suck it up doesn’t stop him from being a complaining little brat. Despite knowing that Hinata’s growing disinterest in him is something that he deserves, he still can’t help but feel the need to confide to Naegi. “I understand if now’s not good, and if that’s the case, please just tell me. I can wait for another time.”
It’s been raining nonstop nowadays, and as a result, they couldn’t hang out in the rooftop or in their favorite tree. Recently, they’ve been changing the locations that they're using while eating. They already occupied an empty classroom, their own dorm rooms, and now, they settled for the rather common and populous cafeteria.
“No, it’s okay.” Naegi smiles, reaching out to squeeze his hand. “I won’t be at ease too, knowing that something is troubling Komaeda-kun… What's the matter?”
“I was just, well,” Komaeda forces a light giggle that came out awkwardly. “How to say this… I'm kind of worried about something, see… I observed that talking to Naegi-kun always relieves whatever negative feeling I might have no matter what, so I thought that I should tell you about this too… if it’s okay…”
“Of course it will always be my pleasure to listen to you. It’s the least I could do, you know.” Naegi’s voice is always an effective way to soothe him. Just now, listening to Naegi speak, Komaeda feels as if all his worries already disappeared in an instant. “I'm ready anytime you are, Komaeda-kun.”
“Alright…” Komaeda nods, taking a deep breath. “It’s, um… about Hinata-kun, actually.”
Naegi nods as well. “What about Hinata-kun?”
“I just… can’t help thinking that maybe he's a bit upset with me.”
Naegi furrows his eyebrows, worried. Komaeda then and there regrets making Naegi worry about his useless self yet again. “Is there a particular reason why you'd get that idea, Komaeda-kun?”
“I mean, there's a chance that maybe my mind is just making up things, but Hinata-kun feels kind of aloof to me nowadays…” Komaeda bites his lower lip. “I feel like his answers are shorter than the usual, and it’s, like… something about our interactions just feels a little unnatural… I noticed that you two have grown closer as time went on, so I was wondering if he said something about me recently… I understand if it’s a secret that should be kept, but I just… really want to know if I did something wrong.”
“I see... I understand.” Naegi nods again. “Hinata-kun did mention you recently.”
“He did?” Komaeda feels nervousness bubble inside him. “If it’s alright to tell me… may I ask what it is that he said?”
Naegi pauses, biting his lower lip. “I really do want to tell you, but…”
“…Ah.” Komaeda pauses. “As I thought… it is a secret, after all, isn’t it? If that’s the case, then it’s okay… I wouldn’t want Naegi-kun to breach his agreement with Hinata-kun.”
“No, no, it’s not that.” Naegi shakes his head. “He didn’t say anything about it being a secret anyway… but now that I'm thinking about it, I guess I am a bit worried about what you'd feel once you hear about what he said.”
“Oh…” His nervousness instantly doubles. “…He is upset, isn’t he?”
“Last time that Hinata-kun and I talked,” Naegi replies. “He said something about how he shouldn’t be your best friend… He can mean a number of things with that statement, but I just thought I should tell you that he said something like that.”
“…Ah.” There was the need to clutch his chest. Komaeda doesn’t know if his mind is exaggerating with that thought, but one thing that he's sure about is he did feel a prickle on his chest just now. “I see… so that’s why. He was so surprised when I asked him if we’re still best friends…”
Naegi leans in and tightly embraces him. He wonders if it’s true that he feels like crying at the moment. He closes his eyes anyway just in case because they're in a public place, and it’d be pretty embarrassing to unleash the waterworks in here of all places.
Hinata is a friend that he values so much, and he can’t believe that he already has taken enough missteps to finally have Hinata conclude that he doesn’t want to be friends with him anymore. He always thinks that he deserves to be left alone, seeing as he's worthless, but now that he's actually confronted with the real situation, he can’t believe that it was nowhere near as painful as he imagined.
He thought that he’d be alright with this as he already lost countless people, most of them family too, but it never crossed his mind that those people left him because they died.
He never realized that it hurts so much more to have someone leave voluntarily because of disinterest over having someone leave because they were taken away by death.
“Haha, this is so funny…” Komaeda forces himself to sound as lighthearted as possible. His voice was muffled by Naegi’s shoulder, but he's sure that Naegi heard him clearly anyway. “…I'm kinda really scared now! Hinata-kun and I have been really close, and even someone kind like him got fed up with me. It’s scary to think that I might lose Naegi-kun too if I make enough mistakes.”
“But I'm not going anywhere.” Naegi replies, his already tight hug tightening even more around Komaeda. The gesture makes Komaeda feel secure and valued, makes him feel that whatever they're sharing at the moment is real. “I’ll never even think about leaving you, Komaeda-kun. I'm here to stay.”
“I understand, really. I understand why someone would want to cut all ties with me. I understand if even Naegi-kun would want to.” Komaeda says, trying his best to keep away all his selfish thoughts. “If ever it crosses your mind that you're just wasting your time with me, it’s alright… I wouldn’t mind. The last thing that I’d want to do is compel you to stay within my presence.”
“I’ll never leave.” Naegi slightly pulls away, just enough for Komaeda to see that he's sticking out his pinky finger. “It’s a promise.”
His sights blur as he tangles his own pinky finger around Naegi’s, and he feels the need to hide his face with an embrace again. “I promise too… Thank you so much, Naegi-kun.”
--
Komaeda wonders what Hinata meant by those words then.
That time in their classroom when Hinata hugged him so tightly and said things like ‘I'm so glad you're here’, ‘I miss you so much’ and ‘I don’t care what we do as long as we’re together’. That happening felt so recent, so Komaeda wonders how fast exactly Hinata’s interest in him diminished.
He wasn’t convinced when Hinata reasoned out that he said those things just because he thought he was dreaming, but adding the new information that he has learned, maybe it is true that Hinata was just dreaming, after all. Maybe it was true that he thought Komaeda has been gone for five years, and that’s the only reason why he said those words.
But now, in his waking time, Hinata might have realized again that he doesn’t really want anything to do with Komaeda anymore.
Komaeda knows that he can’t blame Hinata for feeling that way, but he wonders what it is he has done exactly for this to happen.
--
Komaeda was infinitely thankful to see that Hinata wasn’t around when he went back to the dorm room that night.
If Hinata ends up being there, Komaeda wouldn’t know how to interact with him, after all. Now that he knows how Hinata actually feels about him, it doesn’t feel right to just continue with initiating conversations. For all he knows, Hinata most probably feels annoyed whenever he opens his mouth, and he doesn’t really want to put Hinata through that anymore.
But then again, if he just keeps quiet all of a sudden, he knows that it would be quite weird too. Hinata, despite not wanting to be associated with him anymore, is kind enough to at least maintain a civil relationship with him. That’s also why he kept on conversing with Komaeda even if it was in a brief manner. This is the reason why Komaeda knows that it would also be unfair of him if he just suddenly decides to never talk.
At least, at the moment, he's spared from making the decision.
He sighs as he makes himself more comfortable on his bed. He just got lucky today, but that doesn’t mean that he’ll get lucky too tomorrow and the days after that. He just hopes that things won’t be overly awkward between them. After all, even if Hinata doesn’t want to be his friend anymore, Komaeda knows that he still cares about Hinata.
If possible too, he wants to save their friendship as well, but just admitting that wish even to himself—it’s nothing but selfishness, isn’t it?
He decides to close his eyes as an effort to silence his thoughts and also to make sure that by the time Hinata goes back home, he already has fallen asleep, hopefully.
--
Komaeda does successfully fall asleep.
Him making it a point to be in deep sleep the moment Hinata arrives is defeated though because he wakes up as soon as Hinata ever so slightly pushes the door open. Hinata doesn’t turn on the lights, and he's obviously walking slowly as to cause as minimal sounds as possible while lightly massaging his head with a hand.
He closes the door behind him with the same vigilance, and he shortly climbs up to the upper bunk.
Komaeda makes sure to stay silent, acting as if he hadn’t woken up at all. The room was dark and he couldn’t really see very clearly, but he could have sworn that Hinata looked really tired. He moves to the end of his bed and checks the clock placed on the table as silently as he can.
He was surprised to see that it was already past ten.
He's well aware that ten in the evening isn’t really that late to other students, but he's alarmed because Hinata doesn’t usually go home that late. There are occasional times, sure, when the two of them go out and visit the city near this one, or when Hinata decides to hang out with Souda and some of their classmates, but it isn’t really a frequent happening.
Besides, he doesn’t really look that tired whenever he goes home, so Komaeda does wonder.
He knows that he has no right to be curious about whatever Hinata does his with his time, and he wants nothing but to slap himself because he can’t stop himself from wanting to ask. “…Hinata-kun?”
He calls out.
There was no reply.
“Hinata-kun?” He repeats.
Hinata still doesn’t say anything.
At that point, he was scared to continue because he doesn’t know if Hinata fell asleep because of being really tired, or if Hinata just decided to ignore him finally.
He decides to not pursue it anymore because he figures that it’s better for him to not know for sure. Right now, he’ll just assume that Hinata fell asleep because that’s the more desirable option in this situation.
Ignorance, while being by far the greatest shame, can be bliss too, after all, right?
--
When Komaeda woke up the next day, he was disoriented for a moment because he saw Hinata on his usual spot at the study table. Hinata doesn’t usually study during the mornings, if anything, it’s usually during evenings. Komaeda actually thought that he was dreaming for a while, but Hinata chooses that exact moment to turn around, causing them to make eye contact.
Both of them looked momentarily surprised when their eyes met. Komaeda hates how it’s early in the morning and he can already see just how awkward they already have become. They used to be so comfortable with each other… they weren’t the types to flinch just because of making halfhearted eye contact.
“Hey.” Hinata greets. “Good morning.”
“Good morning…” Komaeda sits up. It was really nice of Hinata to still greet him like this. Normally, he’d bring something up, maybe finally ask why Hinata went home late last night, but now, he isn’t really sure because he wonders it wouldn’t be annoying if he continues on speaking.
As he mused earlier, he also has worries about not speaking altogether, so to be safe, maybe it would be good if he decides to talk only if talked to…
Hinata turns his chair around to face him. “Had a nice sleep?”
It’s almost scary how nice Hinata is being, exactly. He's acting just like the usual, asking things about Komaeda’s comfort and the like, and the possibility that Hinata never really enjoyed his friendship with Komaeda in the first place pops up in Komaeda’s mind.
“I did.” Komaeda nods. “How about Hinata-kun?”
“My head kind of hurts when I woke up, to be honest. It was a bit difficult to get up.” As if to punctuate his words, Hinata massages his head. Komaeda briefly remembers Hinata doing the same last night when he went home. “I was wondering if I could ask some of that headache medicine that you have.”
“Oh.” Maybe this is the only reason why Hinata started a conversation with him right now. Their conversation sounded like one that fresh roommates would share. “Hinata-kun knows that I keep medicine in the first aid kit too, right? You shouldn’t have waited for me to wake up.”
“Yeah, well,” Hinata’s hand is still placed on his head. “I’d feel bad to mess with your things without asking first. Thanks, by the way. My head really feels like hell, so…”
Komaeda forces a smile. “I hope the medicine takes effect quickly then.”
“Same.” Hinata nods as he heads to the table on the end of Komaeda’s bed. He pulls out the drawer because that’s where Komaeda keeps the first aid kit. “It’s great that you have these.”
“I agree…” Komaeda wonders if it would be rude to just leave his answer as it is. A simple and short ‘I agree’ sounds so halfhearted and forced. He adds more anyway while sincerely wishing that he won’t be irritating if he does. “Well, I get sick pretty quickly, so… I think a wide array of medicine is a necessity.”
“Yeah… It’d be bad if you get sick.” Hinata takes a group of the headache medicines and waves it for Komaeda to see. “I’ll be taking this whole bunch. Is it okay?”
“Of course… Get well soon, Hinata-kun.”
--
‘I'm so glad you're here.’
‘I miss you so much.’
‘I don’t care what we do as long as we’re together.’
‘You know I can never hate you even if I tried, right?’
These words feel so recent. Komaeda knows that not a long time has passed since Hinata said these. He just can’t believe that in a span of few weeks, Hinata already has decided that he shouldn’t even be Komaeda’s best friend anymore.
That time when Komaeda has tried to climb up to Hinata’s bed and he almost fell but Hinata caught his wrist—Hinata looked so worried about him. That time when Hinata embraced him so tightly as if his life depended on it—
Something here just doesn’t add up.
He knows that, yet he can’t find the exact contradiction.
Komaeda knows that Hinata isn’t a good liar. He has always thought that Hinata is too transparent for his own good. That’s why he doesn’t even want to conclude that Hinata is possibly pretending to just care about him all this time.
And Hinata’s actions these days—even if Komaeda initially thought that they were awkward, distant, and cold—when he actually paused to analyze things even harder, he realized that his own replies were even more clipped compared to Hinata’s.
Hinata was the one trying to move the conversation along, adding up new topics and follow-up questions, and Komaeda was the one who kept on nodding and shaking his head, conveying nothing but mere agreement or disagreement.
He also knows that there's no way Naegi is lying to him too.
This situation is so difficult—he finds it so hard to conclude absolutely anything. He doesn’t know if Hinata’s just being nice, he doesn’t know if Hinata does actually want him to leave, he doesn’t know if it’s better to act like the usual or if he should just keep the conversation polite and short.
He doesn’t know what to make of the things that he actually knows, and that’s why he also doesn’t know how to act.
Ahh, why is this so difficult?
--
The next day, it still was raining, so Naegi and Komaeda decided to eat in the cafeteria again. Komaeda actually wanted Naegi to elaborate on what Hinata said about not wanting to be his best friend anymore, but Naegi’s classmates chose this particular day to surprise them and join them for lunch.
Komaeda knows that he has no right to complain. The Super High School Levels are allowed to act however they see fit, and he should be the one who'll adjust. Truth to be told, he did feel a hint of impatience because he really wanted to learn more as soon as possible, but he supposes there's nothing he can do but wait.
Some other time then.
--
When Komaeda gets home that night, Hinata wasn’t around again. Now he remembers that he stupidly didn’t ask why Hinata didn’t go home early the night previous in fear of being annoying. He knows that whatever Hinata is doing isn’t his business, but he can’t deny that he's just feeling really concerned.
Again, it’s not like Hinata to go home late, especially two nights in a row.
He takes out his phone from his pocket, half-hoping that Hinata has left him an explanation at least. Of course he received nothing like that, and he wonders if it will be acceptable if he decides to be the one who'll send something at the moment. Would he be too meddlesome if he sends a short ‘Where are you now, Hinata-kun?’ at least?
He's too scared to risk it.
So he decides to just stay up, picking up a book from his shelf. It really has been a while since he last read for leisure, after all, and he supposes that he can do so again right now while waiting for Hinata to come back.
This time, he promises that he’ll ask what Hinata has been doing despite knowing that it’s not his business at all because he knows that he won’t have peace of mind without knowing.
--
Komaeda wakes up to the sound of the door opening, only to find out that he has unknowingly fallen asleep while supposedly reading his book. The book was haphazardly placed on his chest, opened, and he sits up, ready to welcome Hinata who just entered the room.
Hinata’s hand is placed on his head again, just like earlier morning and the previous night, and Komaeda’s worry just gets amplified. Hinata closes the door behind him before finally allowing himself to scan the room with his eyes, and he blinks when he sees Komaeda looking at him.
“Komaeda…” Hinata greets. His hand hasn’t left his head at all. “…Why are you still up? Did I wake you?”
“No…” Komaeda lies. He doesn’t want Hinata to feel like he has interrupted Komaeda from resting. “I decided that I missed reading, so…”
“Oh.” Hinata slowly nods. Komaeda could have sworn that he saw Hinata slightly cringe when he did. “Sorry if I'm being rude, but… let’s just chat again tomorrow morning, okay? My headache kind of worsened throughout the day…”
“Alright…” Komaeda replies. He still can’t bring himself to ask what Hinata was doing, especially now that he evidently wants to just rest already. He can’t stop himself from saying something else though. “I have menthol oil that you can rub on your head, Hinata-kun… I use it for myself when I have a headache, and it’s pretty effective. If you want, I can rub it on you as you try to sleep.”
“...No, no, it’s fine.” Hinata was already climbing up to the upper bunk as he replied. Komaeda sees Hinata’s open palm reaching down to him. “I’ll do it myself… Can you hand it to me?”
“Oh, wait a moment, Hinata-kun.” Komaeda felt stupid for even offering. Of course Hinata wouldn’t want someone filthy touching him. Komaeda promptly takes the small bottle of oil from the table on the edge of his bed. It wasn’t placed inside the drawer because Komaeda used it quite frequently. It was rather relaxing, and it felt nice using it even if he doesn’t have a headache. He places it on Hinata’s outstretched hand when he gets it. “Here it is. I hope it works.”
“Thanks…” Hinata seems to position himself comfortably on his bed as Komaeda hears light shifting. “I’ll, um, try to sleep now. You should, too. It’s pretty late.”
“Alright.” Komaeda stands up and walks over to the light switch, turning it off. “Good night then, Hinata-kun. Please don’t hesitate to wake me up if you need anything.”
--
When Komaeda woke up the next day, the smell of menthol in the air immediately greeted him. He scans the room and sees Hinata at the study table again, and despite that occurrence already happening yesterday, Komaeda still was surprised because it happening the day previous doesn’t necessarily mean that it is usual.
Hinata seems to be deeply focused on whatever he's reading right now. Komaeda wonders if it will be alright if he delivers a short greeting at least or if that would be impertinent because that way, he’d obviously be interrupting Hinata from what he's doing.
He sits up, and the slightest sound that he makes causes Hinata to turn around and check on him. Komaeda internally curses himself because he isn’t even good enough to move soundlessly. Now, even without intending to, he really has bothered Hinata from his business.
“Hey, good morning.” Hinata greets him just like yesterday. “…Are you okay?”
“Ah, oh,” Komaeda nods. “I am okay. Why do you ask, Hinata-kun?”
“Nothing, you just…” Hinata shrugs. “I thought you looked bothered by something. You didn’t have a nice sleep?”
“No, no, it’s fine. I slept well.” Komaeda decides to smile. “Thanks for asking.”
“No problem…” Hinata nods. “And, ah, right, I used some of the oil again this morning. My headache’s gone, but my arms and back kinda hurt… it worked really well for my headache, so I'm hoping that it’d work on my arms and back too.”
“Oh, I'm glad it worked.” So that’s why it smelled like menthol when he woke up. Komaeda wanted to offer more of his assistance. Hinata couldn’t have reached his back properly, and Komaeda wonders if he was able to rub a sufficient amount of oil on there. But being kind of rejected last night about rubbing the oil on Hinata’s head, he's pretty scared to ask now.
“Yeah, it’s really effective as you said.” Hinata shows him a small smile. “The oil is close to running out, so I’d buy a new one later. Thanks for letting me use it.”
“It’s my pleasure to be of help, Hinata-kun.”
Komaeda should ask now. Right now is a good opportunity to ask what Hinata has been doing. Hinata is pretty healthy—he was unlike Komaeda who gets sick pretty fast. That’s why, getting a headache and muscle ache two days in a row, not to mention, he seems to be rather exhausted when he went home the other day—it just goes to show that maybe he's doing something recently that he normally doesn’t.
Last night, Komaeda steeled his resolve and promised to himself that he would ask.
But now that Hinata is actually here, he remembers why it was difficult in the first place. Komaeda’s so worried about the possibility that Hinata will just go and say that he shouldn’t be asking, that it’s none of his concern, that he should just mind his own business.
Getting rejected again surely won’t feel nice…
That’s why Komaeda chickened out once more and let the opportunity fly over his head.
--
“Komaeda-kun, would you mind checking the school store with me?” Naegi asked him that lunch time. “I ran out of pens, see, so I was thinking that I should buy some from there…”
“Oh, of course I won’t mind.” Komaeda smiles. “I don’t really go there a lot, but I can remember seeing a lot of pretty things last time I did.”
“Right?” Naegi returns his smile. “Our school store is really well-stocked. It’s almost as if it has everything!”
“I agree with that! There was a slot machine in there, and I remember getting a really cute toy. Do you want to give it a try?”
“Sure, I’d like that.” Naegi giggles. “With the Super High School Level Good Luck with me, I'm pretty sure that I’ll be able to get anything!”
Times like this make Komaeda wish that he can control his talent. He knows that Naegi is just trying to make a lighthearted comment, but it made him worried about the possibility that he’ll disappoint Naegi. “I'm sure it will work if we put enough hope on my luck! And I'm sure, with the Super High School Level Hope, that will be really easy!” And so he responds as a way to reassure himself too.
Naegi seems pleased with his reply as his smile at Komaeda widens even more. “We really go well together, don’t we?”
That smile was enough to make Komaeda’s face feel warm, and right now, that smile accompanied with Naegi’s statement, Komaeda feels like he’ll burn with embarrassment. “Does Naegi-kun think so…? That we go well together, I mean…?”
If Komaeda were to be asked, he’ll honestly reply that no, he doesn’t think Naegi and he go well together. After all, with just one glance, it’s easy to spot who between the two of them is the inferior one, the useless one, the undeserving one…
Komaeda’s too unreliable to be with Naegi. He was pretty sure that in the long run, he won’t be able to make Naegi happy. Compared to Naegi too, he knows that he's rather unattractive and just plainly stupid-looking, and whatever he does, he’ll just never look good enough especially when standing next to Naegi.
What's worse is that these are just facts of life.
He can’t really do anything to change them.
“You know, Komaeda-kun,” His thoughts get interrupted by Naegi’s soft hands holding his. “I can tell what you're thinking right now… and I want to tell you that you’ve got that wrong.”
“…Ah. Ahaha… this is embarrassing. I suppose that really is how simplistic I am.”
“Oh, it’s not that all.” Naegi furrows his eyebrows. “The only reason I know what you're thinking is because I always make sure to observe you closely… I mean, I care about you a lot, Komaeda-kun. I want to be able to know what you want without you having to tell me.”
“To answer your question, Komaeda-kun,” Naegi tightens his hold on Komaeda’s hand as he continues speaking. “I do think that we’re perfect for each other. I also believe that you yourself are perfect. I'm not forcing you to change your beliefs quickly—I know that one’s view regarding oneself is pretty difficult to sway—but I hope you know at least that I'm really fond of you and that you're the most important person for me… alright?”
“Haha, I'm…” Komaeda smiles, and even if he can’t see himself, he's pretty sure that he looks sheepish at the moment. “I don’t know why I'm embarrassed now of all times… thank you, Naegi-kun. I'm really flattered. I think I… really needed that now.”
Naegi promptly reaches up to plant a kiss on his cheek before replying. “Do you want to go to the school store now? We can talk more about what you feel on the way.”
--
It’s been a while since the two of them spent their time in the rooftop. The floors are already dry from the rain, but looking at the sky, Komaeda won’t be surprised if it rains again later today. His back is leaning against Naegi’s, and he was inspecting the toy that he won earlier in the school store.
It looked more like a decorative ornament instead of a toy, truth to be told. It resembles a small seashell, and apparently, there's only one of it inside the slot machine. Komaeda won’t forget how Naegi looked so proud of him for some reason, even if this accomplishment is nothing really big…
Naegi really is too kind, doing his best to encourage someone like him.
“Komaeda-kun, may I borrow your prize from earlier?” He hears Naegi’s voice behind him, and he immediately hands Naegi the miniature seashell. “You're really lucky… You know, I find it really amazing, Komaeda-kun. Your luck, I mean. Your luck is amazing… you are amazing.”
“Thank you, Naegi-kun.” Komaeda leans against Naegi closer. “My luck is the only good thing about me. I'm glad that it can make you happy, at least.“
“Make me happy…” Naegi repeats before giggling. “If anything, I am really impressed by your luck, you know!”
He sees Naegi holding up the seashell, seemingly inspecting it closer with the sunlight’s help. It was just a simple seashell, and it looks like it can be found anywhere, but Naegi seems so happy and satisfied just looking it over and over like this. Komaeda does wonder what he sees.
“This is just a simple thing, I know…” Naegi says as if reading Komaeda’s mind, his attention still on the ornament in his hand. “…but it’s precisely why I believe that you are capable of amazing things, Komaeda-kun.”
Naegi turns to him with another smile, gently pushing the seashell back to his hand, and Komaeda can feel that familiar warmth gracing his face again. The way Naegi smiles at him is so sincere that if he allows himself to be distracted for a while, he might end up believing that maybe he is indeed worth something.
The smile did distract him enough to forget about asking Naegi to elaborate about what Hinata said, however.
--
It was the third night in a row for Komaeda to go back home in the dorms and not find Hinata already inside. He doesn’t stop his sigh from coming out as he throws himself on his bed, narrowly missing the book that he tried to read last night.
He can’t believe that he fell asleep the previous night while reading. He really loves reading, that’s something that he knows for sure, so maybe he himself was actually tired without even realizing it. He picks up the book and looks it over again.
He doesn’t seem tired tonight, so he decides to actually read now while waiting for Hinata’s arrival instead of falling asleep in the process.
--
Komaeda was in the middle of the book’s seventh chapter when he hears the doorknob click. He immediately looks up, the door creaking open, and there was Hinata stepping inside as he expected. Hinata locks the door behind him like he always does, and it was almost funny because he sighs just like Komaeda did earlier.
Hinata pauses as soon as he sees Komaeda awake, as if he can take back the sigh that he just let out if he paused fast enough. “Hey… You're still awake, huh?”
“Yeah, I was reading again.” Komaeda lamely waves the book so that Hinata can see. The sigh that Hinata let out as soon as he entered the room was impossible to miss. Right now would be a perfect time to ask why Hinata seems to look so tired nowadays. If Komaeda pushes away the chance again this time, he might not get a chance that is as great as this.
“That must be a great book then, huh?” Hinata momentarily glances at the book in his hand before turning to look at him again. “What is it about?”
“Well…” Despite already knowing how to answer that question as he has been reading the book for hours now, Komaeda still finds the need to turn the book around and read the synopsis on the back. “…It’s about a guy who finds himself and his siblings pursued by a murderer.”
Hinata hums, nodding as he lightly stretches his arms. “What else?”
“Oh, ah,” Komaeda looks at the synopsis again even if his first response wasn’t actually from there. “Well, they have to get out of the place while avoiding death, only, all of them never really gotten along before…”
Hinata nods again as he sits on the chair by the study table, but not before turning it around to face Komaeda. “And did they?”
“Haha, I don’t know yet…”
The room was silent after that. The transition was so off, they were talking just seconds ago, but now as he looks at Hinata, it’s as if the latter has been silent for a good while now. Komaeda gets the brief thought that maybe he imagined the whole conversation, after all.
Komaeda is rather fond of silence. If anything, it’s something that he finds normally relaxing. At this current situation, however, despite being with the person that he deems as his best friend (even if the feeling isn’t mutual), he feels rather uncomfortable.
The silence feels like it’s persistently scratching his skin, even the parts that don’t need scratching, that he can get tricked to thinking that maybe his skin does feel itchy, after all. Whatever he feels, however, the sensation was impossible to ignore—
“Hey, Komaeda.” Hinata finally breaks the silence. Komaeda is infinitely thankful for that because he was on the way to imagining more uncomfortable sensations. “…Can I ask you something?”
“Of course…” Komaeda replies. His unease immediately transfers to his chest, and he wonders if it will be accurate to compare the feeling to a hand holding him in an uncomfortably firm manner. “Ask away, Hinata-kun.”
Silence filled the air again. Hinata looked like he was internally debating if he just made a good choice or if it’s better to just act like he never said anything. His deliberation seems to have ended shortly, and he immediately faced Komaeda after.
“Sorry if this is weird, but uh,” Hinata bites his lower lip. “…Are you mad at me?”
…Huh?
“I thought it was just me, but I think you're…” Hinata gestures to him, as if looking for the right words to say. “I mean, nowadays, your replies are kind of short and stuff… normally, you'd talk, uh, happily about anything, especially books that you're reading. When I first noticed, I told myself that maybe you were just tired or maybe it was just a coincidence, but it kept on happening… Of course there's a chance that it is a coincidence, and I’d like that, but… if you are indeed mad… you can tell me. I'm… really worried about us right now.”
Looking at Hinata like this, it’s almost scary. Hinata looks so sincere with his words, even his eyes look like they're trying to communicate, and Komaeda could do nothing but slowly shake his head in confusion because he really can’t understand anything that’s happening here.
“…Hinata-kun.” Komaeda says slowly. Even he can hear the reluctance in his own voice. Hinata turns to him curiously, though Komaeda can observe a hint of nervousness in him. “I'm sorry if this sounds stupid and also weird, but I'm really confused right now… you're not… hiding anything from me, are you? You're being completely honest, right?”
Hinata ever so slightly flinches. It was enough for Komaeda to catch it, however. “…I do mean what I said. Is there a reason for me to lie?”
Komaeda feels his own eyebrows furrowing, and he wonders what he looks like at the moment. There's no nearby mirror that he can use to sneak a peek, and he can only hope that he's not looking too unfriendly at the moment. “You asked me if I'm mad at you, Hinata-kun, but I wish to return you the question. After all, maybe you are the one who is mad at me.”
His reply came off colder than he intended.
“What?” Hinata makes a face. “I'm not mad at you. Why would you even think that?”
“So you claim that you're not.” Komaeda says. There's a small voice at the back of his mind saying that he should stop speaking at this instant, but for some reason, he can’t bring himself to. “You do have a point. There are other plausible reasons, after all. So what is it then, Hinata-kun? Is it disinterest?”
Komaeda doesn’t understand why his own words seem upset. He has no reason to be upset, after all, and he most certainly has no right to. If Hinata indeed doesn’t want to be friends with him anymore, he should just accept it because that’s inevitable. But now that he has started talking, it’s as if he had something that was once repressed but now is threatening to come out.
“What the hell are you talking about, Komaeda?” Hinata slowly shakes his head. “I don’t really understand what you're saying, but I can at least gather that you're trying to tell me that I lost interest in you. Are you being serious right now? This whole conversation started because your replies to my attempts of conversation are clipped short. And you tell me that I'm the one uninterested?”
“Correct me if I'm wrong, but weren’t you the one who first behaved that way, Hinata-kun?”
“I did?” Hinata furrows his eyebrows. “Look, there must have been a misunderstanding because I never—”
“And to top it off, there's also the fact that you don’t want even want to associate with me anymore, right?”
“Okay, seriously, what the fuck?” Hinata’s throws him a glare, his voice getting a little louder than before. “Where are you even pulling that? Me? Not want to associate with you? You know what, I'm not biting this, I'm too tired for this shit.”
“I know, Hinata-kun. The statement that is hardest to refute is the truth, after all.”
“Truth? Komaeda, do you even know what you're saying?” Hinata looked like he was intent on not ‘biting this’, as he has worded it, but Komaeda’s response seemed like it made him forget about his declaration altogether. “Are you unintentionally projecting yourself on me because maybe, you're the one who feels that way. I mean, I don’t know, I wasn’t the one who suddenly ignored my best friend and my whole class without even explaining!”
Hinata didn’t say anything wrong, but somehow, his words felt like they cut through Komaeda. He supposes he deserved that one. “I didn’t know that you were that type of person, Hinata-kun. So you're fond of digging up past mistakes.”
Hinata sighs again, running a hand on his face. He takes a deep breath, his hand still covering him, before promptly looking at Komaeda again. He looked like Komaeda’s words cut through him as well, and as if whatever force that caused Komaeda to say the things he said unceremoniously left, he felt a strong surge of guilt wash over him at that instant.
“Alright, I'm really sorry, I didn’t mean it.” Hinata manages out. He takes a step closer towards Komaeda before sighing again. “I'm really sorry, Komaeda… but look, I swear I don’t know what you're talking about.”
“…No, it’s okay—”
“No, listen to me,” Hinata interrupts. “I don’t know what caused you to think that I don’t want to associate with you anymore, but obviously, you…”
Komaeda’s a bit nervous because he doesn’t know what to expect.
“…Obviously,” Hinata continues. A temporary look of doubt flashed on his face again, but he evidently chose to ignore it. “…obviously, you don’t know how much I care about you, Komaeda.”
He clenches his fists and opens them repeatedly as if telling himself to calm down. “I care about you so much, hell, I think I might even be willing to do anything for you! That’s why I don’t appreciate you saying that I am disinterested in you because honestly, I never ever did lose interest in you. I never ever stopped caring about you. So don’t. Don’t say things like that.”
It was ridiculous exactly how fast Komaeda’s guilt is rising.
Hinata is transparent.
Komaeda knows that there's no way that Hinata is lying right now. Not right now when his eyes are basically quivering, begging for Komaeda to believe in him. Not right now when he's most willing to apologize despite the fact that it was Komaeda who started this whole mess.
“…I'm so sorry.” Komaeda decides to stare the floor. He can’t bring himself to look up now. He doesn’t deserve to look up now. “I shouldn’t have said the things I said, Hinata-kun. I'm sorry.”
“Nah, it’s okay…” Komaeda feels Hinata’s hand lightly tapping his shoulder. “It’s just a misunderstanding. No need to make a big deal out of it.”
“Thank you.” Komaeda places his hand atop Hinata’s. “I'm causing so much trouble for you… I noticed that you seem to be tired nowadays, and I still went ahead and did something like this! I really keep on messing up—”
“No, no, don’t.” Hinata ruffles his hair with his free hand. “It’s alright. It’s okay. Don’t blame yourself.”
“…And if you're still upset about me ignoring you guys that time, I understand, but I want you to know that I'm really sorry, Hinata-kun.”
“It’s okay…” Hinata retracts both of his hands from Komaeda. “If I ask again though... why you did that, I mean… will you tell me now...?”
Komaeda bites his lower lip and shakes his head. He's back to staring at the floor, his guilt getting accompanied by shame this time. “…I already said that there's no reason.”
“Sure.” Komaeda didn’t have to look up to know that Hinata is unconvinced. “…So, uh,” Hinata clears his throat. “As promised, I bought another bottle of that menthol oil.”
Komaeda really appreciates the topic change, albeit it was sudden and bordering on unnatural. “Thank you, Hinata-kun. Are your arms and back okay now?”
“Actually…” Hinata scratches the back of his head. “They kinda hurt more now than they did earlier this morning. So I was actually planning to ask if it’s okay that I'm the one who'll use the newly-bought oil first…”
“It’s alright. If Hinata-kun wants, the new bottle can be yours. You're the one who bought it anyway.”
“Nah, it’s still yours. I'm just gonna get some of it, thanks.” Hinata climbs up to his bed, disappearing from Komaeda’s sight. Even if the air still carries a hint of tenseness from earlier, even if Komaeda’s not really sure what to believe in anymore, he finally decides that right now is the perfect time to ask.
The perfect time to ask—
“Hinata-kun,” Komaeda’s heart started pumping like crazy against his chest with just one utterance of Hinata’s name. Hinata makes a curious sound to indicate that he's listening, and just that simple thing made Komaeda even more nervous.
“…If I won’t be intruding on anything, I want to ask…” Komaeda finds the need to take a deep breath. “Why is Hinata-kun going home late these days?”
--
Something here just doesn’t add up.
Komaeda finally found the contradiction, if anything, maybe he actually already knew deep down right from the start, but he rejected it.
He feels like he should do something about this.
But just like that certain time, one smile is enough to distract him from everything.
Besides… it’s not like he's sure, right? It’s just a misunderstanding for all he knows.
Actually, yes. He decides to conclude. This is most probably nothing but a misunderstanding.