Chapter Text
I found a decent store in the shopping district earlier, by the way. It was a jewelry shop.
Hinata’s pretty familiar with the shopping district, actually, and he knows that jewelry shop that Naegi is pertaining to. He never really had a reason to peek there though, much less actually go inside, so he's pretty relieved that his mind actually stored the information well.
It’s really nice—him remembering. Maybe, deep inside, he actually expressed interest in the shop sometime before. He knows that he doesn’t really remember locations that he doesn’t really need to concern himself with, after all.
He could walk in this shopping district today, and if by chance he returns tomorrow to find out that one of the shops is just an empty space, it’s a good bet that he won’t even remember what used to be in there even if he tries hard.
Unless he has built some memories about that place, then that’s a different business.
He walks in the shop, hearing the chimes making a sound when he pushes the door and letting it close behind him. The shop doesn’t have many people inside, just a couple looking at the displays, and the lady positioned at the counter.
The thought that the only one with him shopping right now is a couple makes him feel a bit embarrassed. Now that he thinks about it, maybe he shouldn’t buy jewelry, after all. It’s more common for lovers to do that for each other, and he knows that his relationship with Komaeda is quite far from that.
Last year, he gave Komaeda an alarm clock. It was a pretty lame gift, but he remembers that that time, he chickened out from giving something overly sentimental. It was born from a good opportunity too because just days before that, Komaeda’s alarm clock accidentally broke.
Standing here inside the jewelry shop, he feels his stupidity getting even more apparent. If he wasn’t confident enough last year to give something as ‘sweet’ as jewelry, what makes him think that he’ll be confident now of all times?
How foolish.
He turns around from the displays, other stores in mind, when the lady by the counter calls on him. He promptly faces the lady, curious, and he felt compelled to stay because of the big smile the lady was giving him at the moment.
“What are you looking for, sir?”
“Oh…” Hinata forces himself to smile. “Just a gift.”
“For a lover?”
“Nah, not at all.” Hinata would selfishly wish so, but he does wonder if he still deserves the luxury to dream of something like that. After doing that—
“A friend then?”
“Yeah…” Hinata replies. He should just toss his self-indulgent wishes aside. “My best friend, actually… Do you guys have anything available?”
“I don’t know if you'll be interested, but we have a promo right now. It’s for pair necklaces, sir.” The lady smiles again. “If you buy a pair now to Saturday next week, you'll be able to get it thirty percent cheaper than the usual.”
“Seriously?” The lady nods at him, handing him a folder that was placed on the counter. Pair necklaces don’t sound too bad, actually. He hopes that they actually have a design that’s actually kind of platonic… he wouldn’t want to make Komaeda uncomfortable, after all. “I’ll take a look then. I’ll borrow this for a while…”
“Just call my attention if you find anything.”
With that, Hinata opens the folder in his hand. The designs are just like what one would expect. Hearts that would fit each other once put together, puzzle pieces, keys and locks—he doesn’t know what the lady is thinking by recommending this to him when he already said that he was planning to give the gift to his best friend.
It’s almost as if the universe is mocking him, telling him that it’s funny how he can’t give these designs to Komaeda.
He sifts through the papers in the folder anyway, doing his best to just forget these thoughts in his head. He thought that it would be better if he just appreciates the designs of the pair necklaces because they're actually beautiful.
Komaeda has always been fond of beautiful things. Be it a carefully constructed miniature of something or a well-captured photograph of anything as simple as a rain droplet—he's sure that Komaeda will appreciate it as long as it’s pleasing to the eyes.
That’s basically why he wants to give Komaeda something great, however. He knows that Komaeda will accept anything (he can clearly remember Komaeda saying last year that he's alright with either leftover food or trash), but that doesn’t mean that he should just treat this matter leniently.
He wants to give Komaeda the best gift that he can think of… as long as his gift is still socially acceptable to be given by a friend. He probably can’t give an overly mushy stuffed toy that holds a red heart or maybe a bouquet of red roses because he’ll be overstepping his boundaries that way.
He puts back his attention to the pictures in the folder. Every page has romantic designs, and he can feel his choices getting more and more restricted. He can’t possibly give any of these to Komaeda without upsetting both him and Naegi, after all…
He stops his page turning when he sees a particular image. He finds the need to blink actually because he never expected to see something as fitting as this in here. It wasn’t that he underestimated the shop—it’s just that—
In shops like this where gold, silver, and gems seem to be the focus, Hinata would never ever expect to see a four leaf clover.
There in the folder was a picture of a pair necklace. It was one of the countless two-halves-of-a-heart designs, and both halves are transparent, allowing their insides to be seen. There were four leaf clovers inside, one in each half, and Hinata finds himself squinting to confirm if those are real preserved ones or not.
There was a small gem in the middle of both clovers that if Hinata were distracted enough, he could have thought that the image is actually depicting a green flower instead of a clover. But then again, green flowers aren’t really popular, so…
“Uh, excuse me,” Hinata speaks, his attention still on the image. “What gem is this supposed to be?”
“Oh, that one,” The lady responded almost as soon as Hinata finished delivering his query. “In the image, it’s diamond, but if you choose to avail this design, you can choose a gem of your liking.”
Hinata slowly nods, staring at the image even closer. Diamond. That one is Komaeda’s birthstone. They say diamond is the king of crystals, of gems—it’s the stone of invulnerability, invincibility, innocence, truth… and apparently, it symbolizes strength and clarity.
And most important of all, apparently, it gives one who wears or carries it hope.
A necklace that symbolizes both luck and hope is perfect for Komaeda.
The only thing that makes this design wrong is that it’s two halves of a heart, and it would be beyond unforgivable if Hinata decides to give him something like that.
“Um, hey, excuse me once again.” Hinata looks up this time to face the lady. “Do you guys have a four leaf clover necklace design that doesn’t, uh, come in pairs?”
“I think we have two, actually.” The lady replies. “Please wait a second.”
Two more designs? Maybe Hinata underestimated the popularity of four leaf clovers. Now he wonders if they have designs for bracelets too or maybe rings…
Not like he’ll buy one of those.
Especially the ring.
“Here you go, sir.” The lady interrupts his thoughts, placing another folder in front of him. He was happy that she did. “I believe it’s on the last page of this folder.”
“Thanks.” Hinata gives her a small smile before diverting his attention to the new folder placed before him. He immediately skips to the last page, and just like the lady said, there were two designs of four leaf clover necklaces for Hinata to see.
The first one is of a silver four leaf clover covered with small pieces of diamonds—actually, now, Hinata is pretty sure that those can’t be genuine. He's well aware that real diamonds cost more than anything he could ever have in his life, and looking at the photo like this, the gems look more like rhinestones instead of diamonds, if he were to be honest.
That’s not saying that they don’t look beautiful anymore though.
The second one was just like the first, only, instead of silver, it was gold.
Gold is a good color, elegant, even, but Hinata decides that he prefers the silver one. It goes well with Komaeda’s hair color—no, Komaeda himself—because he usually dresses up with dark colors. Silver just fits perfectly with Komaeda’s usual color scheme.
But then again, gold actually goes well with anything…
Hinata shakes off the thoughts, internally finalizing that silver is the better choice. He stares at the design once more, and he notices a small detail that he, for some reason, overlooked earlier.
This folder is different from the previous.
This one, the prices are included in the paper, and that’s when he realizes that he doesn’t have enough money for this.
--
Hinata exited the jewelry shop without anything, feeling rather defeated. He’d look for other shops to check, after all, this was just the first one that he checked, but because of spending so much time inside, looking through the designs and actually thinking that a gift is perfect for Komaeda, he feels like he has to buy that particular one.
Anything else will feel horribly wrong.
Besides, if he really wanted to redeem himself, it’s obviously the best choice to buy something really valuable…
If only things were a little bit different, it could have been acceptable for him to buy that much cheaper and budget-friendly pair necklace.
He’d buy a cone of ice cream and sulk, but he’d feel like he’ll be wasting money that way, so he goes home rather early.
--
Hinata doesn’t usually lean on his parents for a lot of different favors. If anything, he's mostly independent. He can’t even remember the last time he specifically asked his parents for something, though that’s partly because they're already kind enough to agree to enrolling him to Hope’s Peak, and because he's a Reserve Course Student, his family pays a quite costly fee.
He briefly remembers that anonymous asshole who was bugging him about this, but he rejects the thoughts.
It’s really upsetting how being this average has affected so many aspects of his life.
Maybe if he were in the main course instead, he wouldn’t be this reluctant about asking monetary favor from his parents.
He takes a deep breath as he presses the ‘call’ button beside his mom’s contact number. If he wants to do this, now is the best time because Komaeda still isn’t home, and it won’t be good if he were to overhear Hinata’s conversation with his mother, even if it’s just Hinata’s side.
Every sound of ringing is like a subtle tickle against Hinata’s chest, but the more the ringing continues, that gentle tickle slowly turns into a claw that is grabbing him, constraining his breathing. He never ever knew that merely waiting for a phone call to get answered can make him this anxious.
“Hello?” He finally hears his mom’s voice, and he doesn’t stop himself from letting out a relieved sigh. “Hajime?”
“Hey, mom. Hello.”
“It really is you, Hajime!” Hinata can almost feel the warmth of her mother’s voice through the phone. “How are things with you, dear? Doing well?”
“Yeah, things are great over here… How about you and dad?” Hinata decides to put on a small smile at least even if his mother wouldn’t see it. He remembers reading somewhere that actually smiling still is different compared from merely forcing oneself to sound energetic. If he's not mistaken, it’s even a popular advice for business persons who have to convince other people on the phone.
Apparently, there's a study saying that human beings can differentiate vocal intonation not only between a smile and a non-smile but among different types of smiles as well. Smiling affects speaking, it said, to the point that listeners can actually identify the type of smile based on sound alone…
“We’re doing great too, dear! Thanks for asking!” His mother giggles. “The two of us actually went shopping earlier, so it’s a pretty relaxing day.”
Yeah, Hinata did go shopping too earlier. Well, more like, tried to actually shop, but same difference. “That’s really nice. Did you guys buy a lot of stuff?”
“Just things we need like soap and shampoo… I know those sound insignificant, Hajime, but don’t forget to stock up on items like those!”
“Of course, of course, I don’t forget. In fact, I buy a new one even before they run out.”
“That’s good to hear…” His mom lets out a sigh of relief. “Well, as expected of you. You have always been responsible.”
“Thanks, mom.” Hinata wonders if it’s good to talk about borrowing money then and there. He's feeling pretty ashamed, actually, calling just because he needs something. He wouldn’t mind for the pleasantries to last a little longer. He doesn’t really know what to bring up though… “So uh… I hope you and dad always stay safe. It’s been raining a lot recently, right?”
“That’s true! I was just about to bring that up! Hajime, you should always have that easy-to-fold umbrella we gave you last year. Weather can be fickle, so it’s best to be prepared.”
“Right, I always have that one with me. Thanks.” He's really running out of things to say. “Did you guys have dinner already?”
“We just did! How about you?” She pauses. “Dear, you should never ever skip meals, alright? The last thing that we’d want to happen is for you to faint one day because of hunger! Not to mention, there's the possibility of you developing stomach ulcers if you do that and you know what will happen? You won’t be able to move because there's pain in your stomach, or worse, you won’t even be able to sleep! You'll also feel bloated for no reason, you'll have a heartburn, and you'll throw up—”
“Okay, alright, mom, thanks, I understand.” Hinata has actually read that there is no clear cause for ulcers yet, but he gets what his mom is trying to say. “I don’t usually skip meals. So you don’t have to worry—”
“Don’t usually?” She repeats. “Oh, no, no, never do it! I just don’t want my son to see his stool with blood, my god, I don’t want you to vomit blood too—”
“Okay, okay, sorry, I promise I’ll never ever skip meals again.” Hinata feels the need to come up with a new topic as quickly as possible. “So, um, you know, I really miss you and dad.”
“Awww, Hajime.” His mom immediately stops with the previous topic, almost as if forgetting about it quickly. “We really miss you too, you know. It’s only as if yesterday when you were in middle school, going home everyday…”
“Yeah, I do miss our house too…”
“Is Komaeda-kun there with you by the way? I really want to thank him for taking care of my dear son. According to your stories, he seems to be a lovely boy, and I really want to meet him so much.”
“Ah, well, Komaeda’s not yet home at the moment.” This is it. Hinata can’t back down now. “Well, uh, speaking of Komaeda…”
“Yes? You guys have been getting along, haven’t you?”
“Yeah, of course, he's really nice… but uh, see, I think I haven’t told you yet, but Hope’s Peak has this tradition where people give each other gifts, and um, I, uh… want to give him a gift.”
His mom hums. “Are you going to ask for gift ideas?”
“Well, not really… I actually know what I want to give him already. It’s a really perfect gift… very fitting for him.”
“That’s great to hear! So what is it? Can you send a picture?”
“Well, yeah, about that…” Hinata clears his throat. “I haven’t really bought it yet…”
“Oh? But I thought you said it was perfect!”
“Yeah, it was, it is… It’s just that…” Here it goes. “I kinda, uh… don’t have enough money for it.”
“Ohhh.” His mom let out a sound of realization. Hinata is really embarrassed now because he can imagine what she looks like right now. “So that’s why you called.”
His embarrassment gets even more amplified. “Yeah, but don’t get me wrong! It’s not like I called you just because I needed something. It’s true that I do miss you and dad… but yeah, I really need money right now, mom.”
“Awww, Hajime.” He wonders what that meant. Will she agree, or…? “I really do want to help you. After all, you don’t usually ask for anything from us.”
“Haha, well…” So that paid off. For some reason, he's still feeling really embarrassed.
“But you know, I think you'll enjoy giving him a gift better if you decide to work for the money yourself.” His mom continues speaking, and all the relief that he felt a second ago vanished. “It’s not that I'm being stingy. It’s just that I am speaking from experience here. It feels strangely satisfying to buy someone important to you a gift that you yourself worked hard for.”
“…Yeah, that’s what I would do normally, but this one was really expensive, mom. I'm so sorry for the bother, but I just need extra help for it right now.” Hinata sighs. “You can cut my allowance for five months or something, please. I’ll even find a job maybe to pay you guys back.”
“Hajime, if you plan to find a job anyway, why don’t you try starting as early as now?” Oh, no, Hinata’s not liking this. “Now that I think about it, I have a very good friend who owns a bookstore in a city near Hope’s Peak. I'm pretty sure, if you work hard, she’ll give you enough money to buy whatever gift you want to give Komaeda-kun for that tradition.”
Hinata’s blood starts to feel even colder the moment he hears the door open. He doesn’t look, but he knows that it’s Komaeda. Komaeda got home, and he really won’t feel comfortable discussing the gift to his mom with Komaeda around now. “Huh? But that’s, like, next week! Please, I’ll just make it up to you.”
He hears Komaeda walking, obviously trying to be as silent as he can, so he turns around and waves at him, hoping that his intended message of ‘you don’t have to go out of your way to be quiet. It’s okay, really, I don’t mind’ got across.
“I’ll talk to her and make sure that she assists you. Really, Hajime, I think calling it as a job is just a formality. She's a really close family friend, you'll just have to lend her your help for a few days maybe, and she’ll buy that gift for you.”
“Okay, but—hello? Mom?”
Hinata hears the beeping of his phone. He doesn’t stop himself from letting out a groan as he places the phone on the table. Looks like he doesn’t really have a choice now. He can remember seeing only one bookstore in that city they always go to, but of course he isn’t sure if that’s the one his mom’s friend owns. He hopes his mom sends him the address…
Deciding to forget about these thoughts for now, he turns around to smile at Komaeda at least, something that the latter returns, only, even wider. That simple smile immediately makes him forget about what he was worrying about. It’s almost terrifying what a smile can do.
Recently, he's been trying to show Komaeda more of his small smiles at least. Because of what he did, because he did that, he actually wonders if he still deserves to chat with Komaeda just like he always does. He can’t help but feel that he has done something wrong every time they interact, the memory of that night keeps on flashing in his mind, and he badly wants to undo everything he did.
Maybe if he actually went home instead of being a defiant asshole, things would have gone differently…
So he always tries to smile these days because Komaeda’s smiles always make him feel better, always make his face and chest comfortably warm, always effectively making him forget his worries. He thinks that maybe, even if his smile is nothing like Komaeda, even if he's nowhere as good as Komaeda, he can help cheer him up at least.
He just badly, badly wants to make things up to Komaeda—he doesn’t even care what way he has to use, he doesn’t even care how much it will cost him—because he himself can’t believe that he was as disrespectful and horrible to—
“Hello, Hinata-kun.” Komaeda greets with that usual soothingly cool voice. Hinata’s glad that he took the first step. Hinata’s glad that he interrupted his thoughts from progressing even more. “What was that about, if you don’t mind telling? You seem a bit stressed out.”
Stressed out, huh? Guess it showed in his face even if he rather it doesn’t. He supposes that that groan that he didn’t even bother fighting from coming out was partly to blame. “Ah, it’s nothing.” He hopes he's not being suspicious at the moment. “I was just, uh, asking my mom a favor, that’s all.”
“Oh, I see. I hope she grants it soon.” Komaeda nods. “How was Hinata-kun’s day?”
Hinata’s infinitely thankful that Komaeda decided not to push it. He does hope that he's not giving the wrong signals though. Knowing Komaeda, Hinata knows that there's a good possibility that he’d feel like Hinata doesn’t trust him or something like that.
Then again, there's also the possibility that Komaeda doesn’t even care, but…
“It’s been okay.” There's nothing much to say about his day. He's also scared that if he elaborates, he’ll most probably end up talking about going to the shopping district, and the more they get closer to that topic, the more Hinata will look obvious that he's hiding something. “How about yours?”
“Nothing too eventful, haha! Something has been on my mind though.” Hinata nods, urging Komaeda to continue. He wonders what's bothering Komaeda. He hopes it’s nothing too bad. “As we both know, Hope’s Peak’s foundation day is pretty soon, and I was wondering if there's a particular item that Hinata-kun would want to receive this year.”
Hinata hears his words, but he hadn’t registered them quickly. It’s as if they went through his ear and exited the other, and he must have stupidly looked at Komaeda in an anticipating way because for some reason, he thinks that there must be a follow-up.
When Komaeda doesn’t say anything anymore, that’s when he realizes that he's the one supposed to speak in this situation, that Komaeda is indirectly asking him what gift he wants to receive for the tradition. He can feel that his surprise must have shown in his face and that’s pathetic, but he doesn’t care.
Because really, he didn’t think that Komaeda would want to give him a gift again.
“Oh…” He pathetically manages out. “Well, uh, anything’s okay, I guess… You're still giving me something?”
He wouldn’t even mind if Komaeda doesn’t give him a gift anymore. (This is what he thinks because he knows that he doesn’t deserve one, but if he were to be more honest, he also knows that it will horribly hurt him if he doesn’t receive anything from Komaeda.)
“Ah.” Hinata immediately realizes that his choice of reply was wrong because Komaeda instantaneously looks ashamed of himself that moment. “I'm sorry… As I thought, it would make Hinata-kun uncomfortable to receive something from me again—”
Ah, damn, can Hinata just go on a day without fucking something up? “Wait, no, no, that’s not it.” He interrupts Komaeda as fast as he can. He doesn’t want Komaeda to feel like he was the one who did something wrong when in reality it’s just all Hinata. “I was just, um, surprised. Okay? I didn’t think you'd still give me one… but of course I’d love to receive a gift from you. Sorry for being unclear about that one.”
“Oh, is that so…” Komaeda still doesn’t look convinced. Hinata wonders what he should say to change that, but nothing comes to mind. “Um… I'm not forcing you to answer, but is there a reason why Hinata-kun would think that I won’t give him anything? I mean, I know I'm not much, and we don’t really hang out every day now, but… we’re still…”
Komaeda visibly hesitates. He actually looks like he doesn’t even want to continue anymore. “…best friends, right?”
Hinata finds himself blinking, his surprise earlier probably getting even more visible. Normally, he gets hurt when he realizes that the two of them are nothing but best friends, but right now, those two words actually make him feel nice.
He didn’t know. He didn’t know that he needed reassurance from Komaeda himself that the two of them are still best friends. He thought that he’d hate hearing that, but the relief that he's feeling at the moment proves otherwise.
He didn’t know that he was actually going on with his days thinking that Komaeda doesn’t value him anymore.
“Of course we are.” Hinata took a while to say that because he's preoccupied worrying about the possibility that his voice might shake.
He mentally congratulates himself when he doesn’t.
--
“Here you go, Hinata-kun!” Komaeda hands him a really small paper bag, but his smile must be the one of the biggest ones that Hinata has ever seen. “Here’s my gift for you. It’s really simple, but… I still hope you'll like it!”
Hinata ignores the growing heat on his face as he gets the paper bag from Komaeda, their hands lightly brushing. “Thank you… I got one for you too. Wait.”
He turns around to get the small box wrapped with a simple white gift wrapper, partly to actually get it but mostly to hide the probably obvious blush of his face now. As he touches the box and readies himself to face Komaeda again, he sincerely hopes that his blushing has ceased.
He didn’t know that Hope’s Peak has a tradition like this. Giving gifts to people who give you hope—it sounds so cheesy if put that way. He also tries to keep away the thought of Komaeda saying one time that he's ‘in love with hope’ and that Hinata is the only one who received a gift from him.
It’s so difficult not to think anything of it though…
“H-Here’s yours.” Hinata wants to slap himself because of stuttering. “I thought you'd find it useful, so…”
“Thank you so much.” It becomes even more difficult when he notices that Komaeda has a slight blush of his own. Of course, that can easily be just his imagination too. “You didn’t have to give me one too, but I really appreciate it, Hinata-kun… Thank you.”
“But we’re supposed to give gifts to people who give us hope, right?” Hinata clears his throat before things become even more embarrassing. “So… do you wanna open them at the same time?”
“Alright then!” Komaeda giggles and puts the white box in front of him. Hinata decides to do the same and put the paper bag in front of him as well. “On three. One, two—”
“—Three!” They exclaimed at the same time, and Hinata removed the ribbon keeping the two sides of the paper bag together. He did it with no difficulty at all, so he doesn’t peek inside yet because Komaeda is still tearing the gift wrapper.
Komaeda looks at him apologetically as he tries to pick up his speed. He pulls out the unwrapped box and opens it too, and when he takes out the gift he received, Hinata decides to put his hand inside the paper bag too and get whatever Komaeda gave him.
His skin makes contact with smooth cloth, and he sees that he pulled out a handkerchief. Komaeda, on the other hand, is looking really happily at the alarm clock in his hands, inspecting its features carefully under their dorm room’s light.
Hinata decides that he should do the same. He unfolds the handkerchief, studying all its littlest details—from its color, the numerous lines it has as a design, and the—
“Komaeda…” Hinata was unable to tear his gaze from the handkerchief. “Did you… make this yourself?”
Hinata was staring at the emblem of Hope’s Peak embroidered in the cloth, and under it was his name, sewn not too expertly, but it worked so well. His name, Hinata Hajime, under Hope’s Peak’s crest—it sounded so shallow, and he didn’t know that that was enough to make him feel pleasantly overwhelmed.
“I did…” Hinata looked up to face Komaeda. There on Komaeda’s face was a hint of embarrassment. Hinata’s surer of that now. “I know it wasn’t very good, but I did my best. I hope Hinata-kun likes it at least…”
“I liked it. Very much.” Hinata grips the handkerchief tightly, bringing it closer to his chest. “It means a lot to me. Thank you. I’ll treasure it.”
“I'm so glad.” Komaeda lets out a sigh of relief, followed by a short giggle. “I was really worried that Hinata-kun won’t like it! So I'm really happy now. Anyway…”
Komaeda holds the alarm clock firmly and holds it close to his heart too. “It still feels embarrassing that Hinata-kun had to witness my carelessness last time, but I shouldn’t complain any longer. After all, that made way to Hinata-kun giving me this… I’ll make sure not to make the same mistake again and accidentally break this too! I’ll treasure it as well, Hinata-kun. Thank you.”
“I actually wish I could have given you something better, you know… but I just thought that you'd need it.” Hinata smiles, his embarrassment coming back. “Well, no matter. I’ll just give you a really great gift next year.”
“You don’t have to, you know.” Or so Komaeda says, but he looked really flattered.
“I want to, though.” Hinata decides to smile more. He hopes that he won’t look awkward doing so. “Alright. I promise that I’ll give you a gift every year.”
“H-Hey now!” Komaeda lifts both his hands in front of him, his embarrassment getting more evident. “Don’t compel yourself, Hinata-kun! It’s really okay… This one gift is worth a lot of years already!”
“No, no, I insist.” Hinata allows himself to reach forward and ruffle Komaeda’s hair. “Wait for next year. I swear I’ll find something amazing.”
--
That was just a year ago, but it felt so far away.
--
Modesty aside, Hinata really knew that he was very hardworking. That’s why he thought that it wouldn’t tire him out much if he goes to work right after school ends. He was unpleasantly proven wrong, however, when during the first day, he was exhausted enough to fall asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow when he got home, and on the second day, he had an headache so bad it was like somebody was punching his brain.
Then currently, the third day, his body hurts so much that he almost feels like he followed one of Nidai and Owari’s routines.
…Okay, maybe that one was exaggerating a bit, but it really hurts.
He didn’t know that traveling could get so tiresome until he got this part-time job. Having to travel from Hope’s Peak to the nearby city, only to travel back after doing his job—it was a change in routine even bigger than he anticipated.
“Sorry, Hajime-kun. The stock of books weren’t really supposed to arrive until next week. I myself don’t know why they decided to deliver these boxes now.” His mother’s friend was a kind lady. It makes Hinata feel almost guilty because he's partly complaining about the job in his mind.
It’s not like it was the lady’s fault that he was easy to tire out, after all.
“No, it’s alright.” Hinata smiles a bit. God, everything hurts… “I didn’t really mind.”
He had to carry numerous boxes inside to the shop because the people who delivered it were assholes and just left them outside the shop. Seriously, he wants to file a complaint somewhere because obviously, something wrong has been done here. He kind of does not want to though because doing so makes him feel like he just got mad because he got tired.
Just one hardbound book is already heavy. What more if there are multiples of it inside one box? There's also having to crouch, lift the box, walk toward the storage room, go back outside, and repeat. It’s also horrible to know that once there's nothing to distract him anymore, this pain most probably would amplify.
It’s gonna be so difficult to sleep later…
“I know you're really tired now, Hajime-kun,” The lady looks apologetic as she continues speaking. “But we have to sort those books… Luckily, I only ordered more books for three categories, so we won’t have a too difficult time to organize them.”
“Ah, yes, right away, I don’t really mind.”
Ahh, Hinata really wants to go home now.
--
Hinata lets out the sigh that he was unknowingly holding the moment he arrives in their dorm room. He immediately regrets it though because he realizes that Komaeda might be awake.
And he is.
So much for not causing Komaeda unnecessary worry.
“Hey…” Hinata greets, hoping that if he acts energetic now, Komaeda wouldn’t have to think that he's tired. His greeting came out rather weakly though. “You're still awake, huh?”
“Yeah, I was reading again.” Komaeda waves the book so he can see. Hinata does wonder if it was just his imagination, but Komaeda seems quiet recently, totally unlike the usual. He's used to Komaeda having that wide and comforting smile on, but these days, somehow, it’s kind of difficult to see that refreshing sight.
“That must be a great book then, huh?” Hinata decides to comment, eyeing the book. Hinata too reads a lot, but he reads textbooks more often instead of the novels and novellas that Komaeda is so fond of. Not like Hinata has anything against those books—it just kind of happened, he supposes. “What is it about?”
Komaeda always manages to pick interesting books. Hinata never fails to enjoy listening to how Komaeda passionately talks about whatever he's reading at the moment. Most of the time, he’ll talk about a possible plot point that he thinks will happen and mention some evidence that hints his prediction. There are also times when he goes to make an analysis about a character and depending on what he says, Hinata would debate with him and they’ll both have fun with doing so.
“Well…” That’s why he found it strange when Komaeda turns the book over and stares at the synopsis usually written at the back instead of talking about his opinions right off the bat. “…It’s about a guy who finds himself and his siblings pursued by a murderer.”
Sounds like a murder mystery. Komaeda has always been fond of those. Hinata feels the need to stretch his arms. It’s starting to be more painful, and he hopes that stretching will do something to help. “What else?”
“Oh, ah,” Komaeda looks at the book again. Hinata was wrong about thinking that stretching would help. If anything, why did he even think for a second that it will? He's actually glad that Komaeda looked down because Hinata’s pretty sure that he must have cringed in pain there. “Well, they have to get out of the place while avoiding death, only, all of them never really gotten along before…”
Hinata decides to sit on his usual chair as he nods to show that he's listening. Komaeda would normally continue talking now, maybe talk about someone whom he thinks is the murderer, but nothing followed his statement.
Hinata’s pretty worried now.
“And did they?” He asks anyway. This could be him just overanalyzing things, assuming things, after all.
“Haha, I don’t know yet…” That was Komaeda’s short reply.
And because of that, Hinata decided to conclude that maybe there is indeed something wrong. This is usually where Komaeda will tell him how he thinks the killer did their murders, how he thinks the book will end, and basically, more of his thoughts.
But just like before, nothing followed.
Maybe now, it’s safe to assume that he must have done something to offend Komaeda somehow. The scary possibility that Komaeda found out about what he did immediately pops up in his head, and he almost believed it.
He was scared to believe it.
Komaeda would get creeped out and never want to talk to him again. He would also probably request a room change.
But seeing as he has done neither of those so far (Hinata should be thankful, really, that Komaeda is still talking to him, albeit coldly), then it must be something else.
“Hey, Komaeda.” He's pretty scared to ask, but if he doesn’t, he wouldn’t know. He has no choice but to suck it up. “…Can I ask you something?”
“Of course…” Komaeda doesn’t look like he means it. “Ask away, Hinata-kun.”
He's still scared to ask. Especially now that Komaeda looks like he doesn’t really want him to. But if he doesn’t, he knows that coupled with his muscle ache, these thoughts really won’t allow him to go to sleep.
“Sorry if this is weird, but uh,” Hinata bites his lower lip. This is it. No backing down now. “…Are you mad at me?”
He does his best to ignore Komaeda’s slight flinching as he continues speaking. “I mean, nowadays, your replies are kind of short and stuff… normally, you'd talk, uh, happily about anything, especially books that you're reading. When I first noticed, I told myself that maybe you were just tired or maybe it was just a coincidence, but it kept on happening… Of course there's a chance that it is a coincidence, and I’d like that, but… if you are indeed mad… you can tell me. I'm… really worried about us right now.”
Hinata doesn’t understand and can’t see the possible reason as to why Komaeda would look disbelieving of all possible reactions. Is there something that makes him look unconvincing?
“…Hinata-kun.” Komaeda finally speaks after what felt like a long while. Hinata’s heartbeat starts to accelerate. “I'm sorry if this sounds stupid and also weird, but I'm really confused right now… you're not… hiding anything from me, are you? You're being completely honest, right?”
…
…What?
Does Komaeda know, after all?
Does he know about what Hinata did and is only giving him a chance to admit to what he did himself?
Does he know about Hinata liking him?
Does he know about Hinata being a Reserve Course Student?
It makes Hinata feel even more horrible now that he has realized exactly how many things he is hiding from Komaeda.
If ever he himself flinched too, he hopes that it isn’t too noticeable. “…I do mean what I said. Is there a reason for me to lie?”
Komaeda’s eyebrows furrow, and Hinata’s discomfort increases. “You asked me if I'm mad at you, Hinata-kun, but I wish to return you the question. After all, maybe you are the one who is mad at me.”
Komaeda’s voice still has its signature coolness, but currently, it gave Hinata a different effect. Komaeda’s voice that is usually soothing now feels like it can make Hinata shiver, can make him feel like he’ll deal with the cold forever without ever coming in contact with any source of warmth.
His words hurt so much, but Hinata doesn’t understand them.
“What?” Hinata feels weak. Why is Komaeda even saying that? “I'm not mad at you. Why would you even think that?”
“So you claim that you're not.” The cold worsens even more. Hinata wants nothing more than to go back to the times when Komaeda’s voice warms his chest instead of hurting him like this. “You do have a point. There are other plausible reasons, after all. So what is it then, Hinata-kun? Is it disinterest?”
The more Komaeda speaks, the less he makes sense. Disinterest? What does he even mean by that?
“What the hell are you talking about, Komaeda?” Hinata finds himself slowly shaking his head. He doesn’t understand anything. “I don’t really understand what you're saying, but I can at least gather that you're trying to tell me that I lost interest in you. Are you being serious right now? This whole conversation started because your replies to my attempts of conversation are clipped short. And you tell me that I'm the one uninterested?”
“Correct me if I'm wrong, but weren’t you the one who first behaved that way, Hinata-kun?”
What?
“I did?” Hinata furrows his eyebrows. He did something like that? “Look, there must have been a misunderstanding because I never—”
“And to top it off, there's also the fact that you don’t want even want to associate with me anymore, right?”
That’s it.
He can’t accept that.
“Okay, seriously, what the fuck?” His voice ends up being louder than he would have liked, but he can’t be bothered right now. “Where are you even pulling that? Me? Not want to associate with you? You know what, I'm not biting this, I'm too tired for this shit.”
Hinata doesn’t want to argue over something that isn’t even true. He doesn’t know what gave Komaeda that idea, but what Hinata knows for sure is it’s utter bullshit. Hinata wants nothing but just to be with Komaeda, and it turns out that he's the one who doesn’t want to associate now? Nonsense.
Maybe Komaeda is tired too just like him. Maybe Komaeda is stressed out about something too. Maybe once the two of them get enough sleep, they will forget about this happening altogether. Actually, maybe Hinata is just having a horrible nightmare right now. That will be more acceptable.
Hinata was ready to finalize his decision and just go to sleep for tonight until he hears Komaeda’s voice again. “I know, Hinata-kun. The statement that is hardest to refute is the truth, after all.”
The sentence makes Hinata stop on his tracks. He knows that it would be better if he continues ignoring it, continues to choose the more peaceful option, but he can’t. He can’t keep quiet after hearing that.
“Truth? Komaeda, do you even know what you're saying?” It’s so scary because Komaeda looks like he actually believes his own words. “Are you unintentionally projecting yourself on me because maybe, you're the one who feels that way. I mean, I don’t know, I wasn’t the one who suddenly ignored my best friend and my whole class without even explaining!”
Hinata just wants to stop talking. He didn’t want to say that. He didn’t want any of this to happen. Especially when a look of hurt actually flashes on Komaeda’s face, his guilt amplified itself even more. He hopes that if he feels guilty enough, he would be able to erase those words from happening.
He didn’t want to hurt Komaeda. He’d never ever want to hurt Komaeda.
“I didn’t know that you were that type of person, Hinata-kun. So you're fond of digging up past mistakes.”
Hinata feels like he has been shot.
It’s just so annoying and disappointing how much he can’t just keep his mouth shut. It’s not like he needed to win this argument. Winning the argument doesn’t mean anything if he's going to lose Komaeda. He could have chosen to be the better person and just discuss this tomorrow when the two of them have gotten enough rest, but he decided to be an asshole.
He just wants, wants to punch himself so badly.
He doesn’t understand why these days, it feels like every second turns out to be something that he should regret.
Hinata allows himself to let out a long sigh as he runs a hand on his face. He has to compose himself. He has to apologize. He can’t deal with Komaeda not talking to him again just because he said something out of line.
“Alright, I'm really sorry, I didn’t mean it.” He takes a step closer to Komaeda and sighs again, wondering if what he's doing is right. He knows that both of them did something wrong in this situation, but really, it’s not worth it upsetting Komaeda with this. Apologizing is something that he’ll do in a heartbeat if it will fix things. “I'm really sorry, Komaeda… but look, I swear I don’t know what you're talking about.”
“…No, it’s okay—”
“No, listen to me,” Hinata quickly interrupts. Komaeda’s going to say that it’s okay again if it’s not. Komaeda’s just going to accept it again even if he doesn’t want to. There was a time when he prided himself to be Komaeda’s closest friend, that there's no need for Komaeda to fake anything around him, and it just feels like a punch to the gut seeing that Komaeda feels the need to do that around him now too.
“I don’t know what caused you to think that I don’t want to associate with you anymore, but obviously, you…”
Komaeda looks like he's expecting Hinata to say something bad.
Hinata feels even guiltier because it’s probably his fault why Komaeda will anticipate something like that.
“…Obviously,” Hinata continues, trying to soften his voice to at least wordlessly tell Komaeda that he's not going to say anything hurtful anymore. He doubts again if he should be doing this because what if he misread Komaeda’s feelings again, what if Komaeda doesn’t really care as much as he thinks—
Wait.
No.
No, he shouldn’t think about this.
This isn’t about Komaeda caring about him.
This is about him caring about Komaeda.
He should just stop being so selfish all the time, wishing for his feelings to get returned because he doesn’t even deserve to ask for something like that. It will hurt, he knows that it will hurt to just accept that Komaeda will never like him, but hey, if thought about hardly, true love is loving someone without waiting for anything in return, right? Loving someone for the sake of loving someone—not because of reciprocation or rewards or something like that.
“…Obviously, you don’t know how much I care about you, Komaeda.” Hinata says, and he feels a sensation of heat traveling down his back. He feels himself slightly shaking and sincerely hopes that it isn’t too noticeable. As an effort to divert possible attention from that, he opens and closes his fist—the conscious action giving him something to think of, at least. “I care about you so much, hell, I think I might even be willing to do anything for you! That’s why I don’t appreciate you saying that I am disinterested in you because honestly, I never ever did lose interest in you. I never ever stopped caring about you. So don’t. Don’t say things like that.”
His shaking still won’t cease. Hinata’s so glad that it seems minimal, at least. Especially when Komaeda chooses to look down—Hinata didn’t know if he should be thankful or guilty because he made Komaeda feel like they can’t look at each other at eye level.
“…I'm so sorry.” The sound of Komaeda’s soft voice just makes him feel even guiltier than he already is. Why does he keep on making mistakes? “I shouldn’t have said the things I said, Hinata-kun. I'm sorry.”
Now Komaeda’s blaming himself because of him.
This is horrible. Hinata's horrible.
“Nah, it’s okay…” Hinata wants nothing more than to hug Komaeda at this instant. It doesn’t even have to be because he has romantic feelings for the other. He just wants to be as comforting as possible because he can hear himself right now and he doesn’t sound convincing at all. He just places a hand on Komaeda’s shoulder instead because he's too ashamed of himself right now to do something like that. “It’s just a misunderstanding. No need to make a big deal out of it.”
“Thank you.” That’s why he curses himself when his heart skips a beat the moment Komaeda places his hand on his because he shouldn’t even feel that way. “I'm causing so much trouble for you… I noticed that you seem to be tired nowadays, and I still went ahead and did something like this! I really keep on messing up—”
“No, no, don’t.” Hinata still has second thoughts, but he forces himself to ruffle Komaeda’s hair at least. His halfhearted placing of his hand on Komaeda’s shoulder is uncharacteristically cold of him, especially after hugging him so tightly that one time in the classroom, and he doesn’t want Komaeda to think that he's just saying this to be nice. “It’s alright. It’s okay. Don’t blame yourself.”
“…And if you're still upset about me ignoring you guys that time, I understand, but I want you to know that I'm really sorry, Hinata-kun.”
Hinata would be lying if he says that he doesn’t still think of that when he's idle. He still can’t help thinking that maybe he has done something wrong which elicited that kind of behavior from Komaeda. As he has stated a lot of times before already, Komaeda never does things without a reason—
‘But look, you're not the only one he's ignoring, Hinata. He's ignoring the whole class. You can’t possibly be thinking that we all did something wrong to him.’
Souda’s words from that time ring in his mind again, and he desperately tries to forget about them because up until now, just like before, he still has no rebuttal for that. He still has trouble accepting that Komaeda just did that for no good reason like he has been claiming and that he doesn’t really know Komaeda as well as he thought.
He remembers that he came so close to finally giving up that time yet here he is, still firmly holding on like that thought never ever crossed his mind. He's still here, hoping that this situation will change someday, no matter how much he says and concludes just like he did earlier that he’ll accept having to deal with unrequited love for all time.
He's probably just trying to reassure himself and cushion the pain that he's feeling from failure by saying that he's, in fact, okay with failure.
It’s so funny because he can see that he's lying even to himself.
“It’s okay…” Hinata finally pulls his hands away. He still doesn’t want to, but he feels like he should. “If I ask again though... why you did that, I mean… will you tell me now...?”
Hinata asks himself why he still even tried when Komaeda bites his lower lip and shakes his head. He tried to be careful in asking, but he supposes that he really shouldn’t have, after all, because Komaeda is back to staring at the floor and he just feels horrible for causing that again. “…I already said that there's no reason.”
Hinata doesn’t really know what he expected to hear. So he just forces a nod, saying a halfhearted ‘sure’, and desperately tries to think of something to bring up. He knows that it will be bad timing, horrible, even, if he does a topic change now, but he knows that if they dwell on this, things will just be overly awkward the whole night.
The only other thing that Hinata would probably hate over Komaeda not talking to him is Komaeda feeling uncomfortable talking to him.
“…So, uh,” He hopes that Komaeda will appreciate his topic change instead of thinking it to be rude. He clears his throat to prepare himself. “As promised, I bought another bottle of that menthol oil.”
Komaeda finally looks up upon hearing what he said. He still doesn’t have his usual smile, but Hinata’s glad to see that he seems relieved at least. Looks like changing the topic was the better choice, after all. “Thank you, Hinata-kun. Are your arms and back okay now?”
The mere mention of his arms and back returns his attention to them. As if on cue, they started feeling like they're being pinched all over, and he does everything he can to not embarrassingly cringe in front of Komaeda who's looking at him now.
“Actually…” He scratches the back of his head, desperately trying to make himself feel something else aside from the pain. “They kinda hurt more now than they did earlier this morning. So I was actually planning to ask if it’s okay that I'm the one who'll use the newly-bought oil first…”
“It’s alright. If Hinata-kun wants, the new bottle can be yours. You're the one who bought it anyway.”
“Nah, it’s still yours. I'm just gonna get some of it, thanks.” Hinata climbs up to his bed, and he finally allows himself to cringe slightly at least. The aching that he's feeling seems too unreasonable considering that he only lifted multiple boxes anyway.
But then again, it’s not like he's the type to work out usually, so that must be that.
He must have surprised his body.
“Hinata-kun,” The surprise to the mind is still nothing compared to the surprise his body felt though. He thought Komaeda wasn’t going to say anything anymore, but Hinata heard his voice and his nervousness instantly returned.
“…If I won’t be intruding on anything, I want to ask…” Komaeda takes a deep breath. Hinata is tempted to do so as well. “Why is Hinata-kun going home late these days?”
Hinata was half-hoping that Komaeda would never ask about that because he knows that if Komaeda does, he wouldn’t want to lie. Especially not now when he feels like he has done so many wrong things already. He actually allows himself to take a deep breath as well this time. He’ll tell what he's doing, but he's sincerely hoping that Komaeda won’t think it’s because of a gift for him.
“I'm, uh, well,” Hinata’s stuttering just makes things suspicious. If only he could say the sentence straightforwardly, it would increase the chances of Komaeda not thinking anything of it. “I'm actually… working.”
“Working?” Komaeda repeats. Hinata can’t see him right now, so he wonders what expression Komaeda has at the moment. “So that’s why… you looked so tired recently.”
“I do, huh…” It’s actually a little flattering that Komaeda noticed something like that. “Well… Don’t worry about it. It’s just a side-effect of not being used to something, I guess. I'm sure, given time, it will be easy for me.”
“Hinata-kun…” Komaeda lets out a sigh. “You know… you really shouldn’t tire yourself out so much.”
“Right…” Hinata’s heart is pounding like crazy. He hates that because this is too shallow for him to be so happy about. “Thanks, Komaeda.”
“I really want to be of assistance to Hinata-kun, so… if it’s alright, please allow me this time to rub oil on your back.”
Komaeda has already offered something similar to that when he had a headache last night. If Hinata were to be selfish and honest, of course he would agree in a heartbeat. Of course he would love to feel Komaeda’s soft hands touching the painful parts of his body. This is probably too cheesy, and illogical, even, but he can somehow believe that maybe, because it’s Komaeda, Hinata will heal instantly.
However, he can’t allow himself to indulge himself. He can’t allow himself to pursue his wishes again without thinking of its consequences. Not anymore.
But logically speaking, he really won’t be able to put sufficient oil on his back, and his arms hurt too much for him to force himself to reach. Wish or not, he has to acknowledge that he really does need Komaeda’s help in this one.
“…If it’s okay then.” He can’t deny that he's feeling rather flustered at the moment though. It’s so horrible. “Thank you… I really needed it. I promise I’ll make it up to you soon.”
“You don’t have to, you know.” That was Komaeda’s reply, and Hinata moves out of the way so that the former could climb to his bed. “I'm happy to be of help.”
Hinata really wants to, though. To make it up to Komaeda, he means.
That’s why he's working in the first place, and it’s frustrating to think that even while doing so, he's still causing trouble for Komaeda. He ignores his urge to let out a sigh because Komaeda’s just beside him now, and if he does, he’ll just cause unnecessary worry for Komaeda.
What he allows himself to do is force a small smile and thank Komaeda again because that’s all he's capable of doing right now.
He hopes he can be someone way better than he is.