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Summer is fast approaching and with it, Suguru’s irritable mood makes a return. They’ve spent enough years together by now for Satoru to know that it has to do with Suguru’s visit at home, but he’s never quite gotten the details of why Suguru hates the thought of going home so much but he thinks that this year he’ll not let him deflect and evade the questions again.
This year, he’s going to find out what’s going on in the Geto household and he’ll fix it as best as he can.
And if he has to sit on Suguru to stop him from leaving, then he’ll damn well do that, too.
“You’re getting antsy again,” Satoru says one day over dinner, when Suguru has fiddled with his chopsticks more than he used them for eating and all Satoru gets for his trouble is a sharp glare.
“Fuck off,” Suguru grumbles out, right before he stuffs his mouth with food and even though that’s not at all what Satoru intended it’s at least a start.
He decides to drop it for this evening, but Suguru stays tense and angry for the rest of the week and when Satoru passes their shared calendar in the kitchen on Sunday he finally sees the big, fat, red X he had been looking for.
Suguru will depart for his home town in two weeks.
It’s about what Satoru expected, from the way Suguru’s mood declines but it also doesn’t give him much time to figure out what to do about it.
“Hey, Suguru, you want to order in?” Satoru asks, on the first Tuesday into his two week deadline and he raises an eyebrow when Suguru almost throws his controller at the TV.
“Do I look as if I fucking care?” he snaps out and then murders someone one screen so beautifully violently that Satoru almost feels impressed.
He’s not impressed with Suguru’s tone though.
“Hey, watch it,” he says, putting a little bit of bite into his voice and for a split second he thinks Suguru is going to argue, because he breathes in and opens his mouth, but before a sound comes out he completely deflates.
“Sorry. Satoru, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to snap at you,” he whispers out, lowering the controller and Satoru walks over to him, sitting down next to Suguru and leaning into his side.
“I know. Don’t appreciate that it happened, though. Now. Food. Ordering in?”
Suguru leans more firmly into Satoru’s side as well before he nods.
“Sure, that sounds good.”
“Great. And if it happens again, you snapping at me like that, we’ll have a real long talk, just so you know,” Satoru threatens, and even though he softens his words with a smile and a little ruffle of Suguru’s hair, he definitely means it.
If Suguru is being like that towards him, then Satoru will absolutely not give it a rest. It’s hard enough seeing Suguru tense all day every day lately but Satoru draws the line and bearing the brunt of his anger.
“Okay,” Suguru agrees, and he very notably doesn’t promise that it won’t happen.
Which makes Satoru think.
Maybe—and this might be far-fetched as hell—but maybe Suguru finally wants to talk to him about whatever shit-show is happening when he goes back home.
“Okay,” Satoru whispers out when Suguru doesn’t offer any more and then orders their favourite dinner.
Suguru barely eats and Satoru glances over at the calendar. Twelve more days. He’ll figure it out before then.
~*~*~
On Friday, Suguru comes home drunk.
It’s surprising enough that Satoru freezes where he is in the living-room, silently watching Suguru stumble towards his room and vanishing inside. Satoru is still standing in the exact same spot when Suguru rushes out again, this time barrelling towards the bathroom and not a second later Satoru hears him throwing up.
Wonderful, Satoru thinks, but he joins Suguru in the bathroom and holds his hair back for him. He reeks of alcohol and deep-frying fat and Satoru makes a face at that.
“You really need a shower,” he says when Suguru stops heaving for a moment, and Satoru carefully moves with him when he moves from his knees to his butt, so his hair doesn’t get pulled on.
“You have no idea what I need,” Suguru slurs out, clearly still very drunk and Satoru rolls his eyes.
“No, because you moron won’t talk to me. You know I’m here for you, right?” he can’t help but to ask, because he thinks it should be a no-brainer that he’s always there for Suguru but maybe that knowledge got lost somewhere.
“I know,” Suguru finally quietly agrees and lists towards Satoru, who manages to catch him before he faceplants into the ground.
“I wish you would talk to me,” Satoru mutters, pressing his face into Suguru’s disgusting hair and even like this, he would never want to be anywhere else.
“’m sorry,” Suguru mumbles into Satoru’s shoulder and he even sounds like it.
“Yeah, well,” Satoru breathes out because what else is there to say.
Suguru doesn’t bring the evening up the next morning and Satoru doesn’t know if it’s because he forgot all about it or if he’s wilfully choosing to ignore it.
He just knows that he’s not going to get an answer out of Suguru like this. He really needs to change his tactics.
~*~*~
When Satoru has to spent an entire evening talking to himself on Sunday, even though Suguru is right there he decides to fuck it.
“Why are you even going there?” he outright asks, because half of the remaining time is already passed and he still hasn’t gotten a single answer out of Suguru.
“What do you mean?” Suguru demands to know and he already seems to be gearing up for a fight.
Well, if he wants one, then he can have one.
“Just don’t go. Look at what it does to you, even knowing you have to go there in a week. And don’t even get me started on how you are when you come back. It’s as if you’re barely a shell of yourself anymore, every time you return from your parents place.”
It’s the truth, too; Suguru is always a depressed mess when he gets back and it takes Satoru weeks to build him up again.
He really doesn’t understand why Suguru even goes through this at all.
Satoru broke with his family long ago; fed up with how they tried to control him, how they berated him, how nothing he ever did was good enough for them.
Satoru had that in his life all throughout his childhood; he really doesn’t need it in his adulthood, too.
“Of course you would say that,” Suguru bites out. “You wouldn’t understand; you were so happy to break with your parent back then.”
His tone is so condescending and mocking that it takes Satoru a moment to think past the pain they cause.
“Fuck you,” he finally says, getting up from the table and fleeing to his own room, letting Suguru sit there by himself.
Suguru has seen how his family fucked Satoru up; has witnessed the aftermath more than once and even helped him find a therapist for it a few years back. To have him say this now—
“Satoru, I’m sorry.” Suguru’s voice is muffled through the door and Satoru quickly hides under the blanket, pressing the fabric over his ears so he doesn’t have to hear him.
He can’t believe that Suguru would snap at him like this, that he would say stuff like that and right now Satoru is so hurt that he doesn’t even know if it’s all worth it.
Suguru was supportive when Satoru had trouble with his parents and Satoru was grateful for it. But now that Suguru has his own trouble with his parents Satoru doesn’t even get to be supportive, because he doesn’t know what’s going on, because Suguru won’t talk to him and instead does everything to push him away.
It’s unfair and it hurts and Satoru wants nothing to do with it anymore, at least not for today.
He stays in bed until he falls asleep and Monday comes around.
~*~*~
Avoiding Suguru is not that hard. They have lived together for long enough that Satoru knows his schedule by heart; he knows all his routines and quirks and knows when not to be home and when to stay in his room.
It’s almost too easy, Satoru thinks, but he can’t be bothered to give it more thought than that. He’s going to stay out of Suguru’s way until he has to leave on Monday morning next week and then he’ll care for Suguru and put him back together like he always did before, because when Suguru comes back he’ll be suffering and Satoru cannot stand to see that.
Satoru forces himself to not think too hard about why Suguru won’t trust him with this, why he won’t tell Satoru what’s going on, but the doubt is eating away at Satoru every day.
Suguru doesn’t trust him. He doesn’t trust him enough to tell him about this and it’s such a blow to what Satoru thought was an unshakable friendship that he doesn’t know what to do with himself.
His only option is to ignore Suguru.
He manages until Thursday. Satoru expected to easily make it to Monday, because Suguru clearly doesn’t want to talk so why should he ever come seek Satoru out, but Satoru hears him come home late in the afternoon and before Satoru can drown out every sound in the apartment with music, his bedroom door opens.
Satoru freezes on the bed, too surprised to do anything and he jolts in surprise when Suguru comes into the room.
He must be standing directly next to the bed, Satoru thinks, but he doesn’t dare to look, doesn’t even so much as breathe. He isn’t sure if it’s out of fear of sending Suguru running again or if he’s scared Suguru will say something.
The choice is taken out of his hands when Suguru lets out an audible sigh and then slides into bed with Satoru. He lifts the blanket, letting in cold air for a moment, before he presses himself close to Satoru’s back, slinging his arms around his middle and resting his forehead at the base of Satoru’s neck.
“Let’s stay here for a while,” Suguru mumbles and it’s so fucking ridiculous that it makes Satoru huff out a bitter laugh.
“You’re such an asshole,” he hisses out but he can’t quite bring himself to wiggle out of Suguru’s arms.
“I know. I know, Satoru, and I’m sorry. What I said was uncalled for and mean and I should never have said it. I’m sorry.”
“Yeah, well, you’ve been sorry a whole lot lately,” Satoru bitterly says. “Maybe I’m fucking tired of hearing it.”
“And you should be,” Suguru agrees and immediately takes all the wind out of Satoru’s sails.
“What the hell is going on with you?” Satoru asks after a moment. “Why are you like this when a visit to your parents comes up?”
He doesn’t expect Suguru to answer, not really. Satoru is prepared for Suguru to move away and pretend they never spoke and Suguru does stay quiet.
He doesn’t move away though.
It’s not much, Satoru thinks, but it’s at least a start. And it might have to be enough, he realises, because it’s not as if he can force Suguru to talk.
“My parents—” Suguru surprisingly starts and Satoru forces himself to lay real still, in case he startles Suguru and makes him run off again. “They are—they are trying to be good people, I think.”
That is not a very promising start, Satoru thinks but instead of blurting that out he bites his lips. He can’t run his mouth now, not when Suguru is finally talking to him.
“They are not—abusive or anything, it’s just.” Suguru heaves out a deep sigh. “They have expectations of me. Expectations I can pretend don’t exist when I’m here, with you, in the city, but when I go back there, it feels as if they are crushing me.”
Satoru still doesn’t say anything, but he reaches for Suguru’s hand on his stomach, carefully threading their fingers together and he feels a little lighter when Suguru squeezes his hand.
“They want me to move back, find myself a nice girl and marry, have a handful of kids and live the same life they had.”
“But you’re—” Satoru can’t help but to say and Suguru chuckles, though it sounds very resigned to Satoru.
“They know I’m gay. I’ve told them repeatedly, but they don’t want to hear it. You see, there are no gay people in our village.”
“That’s such bullshit,” Satoru mutters and can’t stay still any longer, so he turns around in Suguru’s arms, so their faces are only inches apart.
“It’s not—they are not really doing anything, it’s just. I know that my entire life is wrong in their eyes and they will give me these well-meaning comments and give me unwarranted advice for my entire stay there and it’s so. It’s exhausting, Satoru. It’s exhausting and I am dreading every second I have to spend there, and I very much do not want to go, but it’s not as if they are doing anything, you know.” Suguru closes his eyes before he leans in closer, resting their foreheads together. “I’m really sorry, I’m always taking out on you.”
“That’s why you’re always so down when you come back,” Satoru whispers, and shuffles closer to press the entire lengths of their bodies together.
“I know they are wrong and that I can live my life however I want to but it’s wearing me down. Not in a I’m going to give in and do what they say kind of way, but it’s as if they are methodically whittling away on my dreams and wishes and what I want out of my life. They are taking away all of my joy, because no matter what I do, I know they’ll never be happy with it, as long as I don’t do it exactly like they want.”
“That sucks really bad,” Satoru whispers because what else is there to say really and it does make Suguru smile, however brief it might have been.
“It does.”
“What do you want out of your life?” Satoru asks, because maybe it will help when Suguru remembers what he’s working for, what he wants.
It seems to have been the wrong thing to ask though, because Suguru goes deathly quiet.
“You don’t have to answer that,” Satoru backtracks when minutes passed without Suguru speaking and he hopes that it’s not audible how rejected he feels by Suguru’s silence.
“You,” Suguru finally says, his eyes closed and body tense as if he’s bracing for a hit. “I want you.”
“Suguru—” Satoru’s voice breaks, his heart beating way too fast in his chest, because surely Suguru can’t mean it the way Satoru wants him to mean that.
“And I don’t mean as friends, Satoru,” Suguru goes on, opening his eyes and immediately locking gazes with Satoru. “Though, of course I always want you in my life, but. I’m in love with you, Satoru. That’s the way I want you in my life.”
“In the gay way?” Satoru blurts out because he’s an idiot and this is a whole lot to take and Suguru stares at him with wide eyes before he bursts out laughing.
“Yes, Satoru, in the gay way,” he agrees and Satoru feels so happy he could melt into the mattress.
“I want you in the gay way, too,” Satoru says and Suguru laughs again.
It’s such a nice sound, Satoru wants to bury himself in it.
“That’s your way of telling me you love me, too?”
“I do, Suguru, I’m in love with you, too,” Satoru is quick to say, in case there could be any doubt about it, but he knows there was no danger of that when Suguru’s face goes all soft and mushy.
“Good,” he whispers and leans in to brush their lips together. “Come with me, then.”
“Huh?” Satoru blurts out, his brain not firing on all cylinders, because the only thing he can currently think of are Suguru’s lips on his.
“To my parents. Come with me. It’s going to suck, if you’re there or not, but at least if you’re there then I have someone I can turn to.”
“Of course,” Satoru immediately agrees, because how could he ever say no.
If he can have Suguru’s back then he will, no matter when or where. “Of course I’ll come with you. Will they give you a hard time for bringing your boyfriend?”
“They won’t acknowledge that you’re my boyfriend. They’ll pretend we’re really close friends and shove some girls at me. You could kiss me right in front of them and they would still refuse to accept it.”
“That’s just so shitty,” Satoru complaints and tries to kiss it better.
It doesn’t quite work, not yet, but Satoru thinks he’ll get time to practice.
“It kinda is,” Suguru agrees. “But it will be less shitty with you around.”
“I’m there,” Satoru promise him and Suguru burrows his face into Satoru’s neck.
“Thank you,” he whispers, his lips grazing the sensitive skin at the base of Satoru’s neck and a shudder runs through him.
“Always,” he gives back and hugs Suguru close.
Now that he knows just what it is that’s upsetting him like that, he’ll do his best to mitigate the damage his parents do. He’ll interrupt and he’ll be obnoxious and he’ll direct the conversations elsewhere, if only so that Suguru can have two at least okay-ish weeks.
And what he can’t stop by being his usual annoying self, he’ll simply have to kiss better in the evening.
Suguru surely won’t complain about that, Satoru is certain of that. Because Suguru loves him, just like Satoru loves Suguru. Just like it should be.