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Stede Bonnet lies awake on this beautiful Spring morning in the cozy bed he’s been sharing with Ed Teach for several months. He’s always been an early riser, whereas Ed usually needs encouragement, and occasionally some bullying, to get out of bed. But this morning was different. Ed was the one to spring up at the first light of sunrise, proudly announcing that he was going to the woods to search for game for breakfast. Good, as it gave Stede a chance to grab an extra forty winks in privacy for a change.
He sighs, reaches his arms straight out above his head and takes a long, luxurious stretch from fingertips to pointed toes. Life has been relatively uneventful since they decided to be Innkeepers and then managed to fix the place up properly. Relatively? No, scratch that, because actually it’s been totally uneventful – in terms of their having customers, at least. Not a single one has appeared as of yet, and they’ve been open for business for nearly two weeks. He wonders if maybe Frenchie and his crew haven’t found The Republic of Pirates, as planned, since setting sail. The youthful new captain was supposed to be in charge of creating posters, with Lucius’ help, and then getting them put up in prominent and well-traveled areas in The Republic. Hopefully, they haven’t been ambushed nor seized by another ship, nor taken as prisoners by the Royal Navy along the way. But no, surely that can’t have happened. They have Zheng, Auntie. Archie and Spanish Jackie, and that’s a formidable quartet right there, for starters. As for the men, they can fight with the best of pirates; Stede’s seen it for himself. And Jim? They’re super-tough as well; quick on their feet, and especially skilled with knives!
Maybe it’s a matter of grammatically incorrect, botched posters, or – (God forbid!) – the posters have somehow inadvertently been water-damaged in a recent storm, or they’ve fallen into the ocean, or somehow accidentally met flames in Roach’s galley?
No, no. Ridiculous. Frenchie has things well in hand, and Lucius is a talented artist. The crew is strong and hardy and can defend themselves. Surely all must be well. All things in their time, Stede assures himself. He supposes he and Ed can enjoy the calm just a bit longer before the clamouring multitudes inevitably arrive.
Yet – and Stede hates to admit this – as much as he loves Ed, the calm that’s come from making their change of careers has become a bit boring lately. He can only handle so much of trying to keep track of Ed’s rambling thoughts during conversation. The man talks so much; constantly thinking out loud and going around in circles with his thoughts and ideas, et cetera. It’s tiring to listen to. But then, Stede thinks with a chuckle, Ed may very well think the same thing about him. They may have been cut from different cloths, but perhaps they aren’t so different from one another. Probably why they get on so well, he muses.
With another huge sigh, Stede rises to a sitting position. He stands up and stretches again. Damn middle age – and damn this morning stiffness in his knees and back that’s been creeping up on him in the last few months.
Time to get ready for… well, for what, exactly? No customers. Just he and Ed talking all day. Well, maybe a nice long walk or a pleasant picnic could be part of today’s agenda? Take in some scenery, share more of their hopes and dreams for the future, make up some fictional stories, play charades? All kinds of possibilities, really. This could also be a good day to be proactive and attempt some door-to-door personal advertising of their own to encourage folks to come to the Inn or get them to talk it up to their friends.
He goes to the washroom, empties his bladder, then heads to the basin and performs his morning ablutions. Now feeling refreshed and ready to face the day, he gets dressed and heads out the door for his traditional morning visit to Izzy’s grave.
And just as he reaches his destination…
“Stede! Stede! Oh, there you are! Wait ‘til you hear about what I just saw!” It’s Ed, bounding forth through the brush at top speed. God, the man’s hot: those long grey-black locks of hair flowing in the breeze, and the morning sunshine giving a fresh glow to his smiling face. Those muscular shoulders, deltoids, biceps, triceps, and broad pecs, and - oh yes, it must be mentioned – those strong and sturdy thighs…
Ed reaches his lover with panting breaths. “I didn’t know there was such a thing.”
“Calm down, Ed. Did you find anything for breakfast?”
“Yeah, well, about that…No.”
“Come on, Ed! You even got up early for a change.”
“We’ll go hunting together in a little bit. But first, I’ve gotta tell you about this really weird animal I saw! Kinda reminded me of when I saw that wolf in the woods after you banished me from The Revenge!”
“It was never my vote to banish you, Ed. We took a group vote, and I’m afraid I had to honour the decision of the majority. Whenever there’s an issue to be discussed, or a decision to be made, you know it’s always been my custom that we talk it through-”
“As a crew. Yeah, I know. So, everybody but you voted to banish me is what you’re really saying, right? Don’t sugar-coat it, I can take it.”
Stede hesitates. “It seemed that way, yes.” He looks into Ed’s narrowed eyes. "All right, okay, okay,” he fumbles, “it was that way.”
Ed shrugs his shoulders. “Yeah, well, I s’pose that’s all water under the bridge now, anyway – or maybe it’s water under the plank, or under the ship, or – Hell, I don’t know, whatever works, I guess.“
“Exactly. What’s done is done, and it’s all in the past. So, moving forward…?” Stede rolls his hand in small circles, encouraging Ed to get back on topic.
“Oh! Right! So, when I was in the woods on that day when you were looking for me-“
“I wasn’t looking for you.”
Ed scoffs. “Give it up, I knew you were. Anyway, I saw this tiny wolf. It was a cute little fucker, too – and I was talking to it, and sharing secrets with it, like about my spider tattoo. Hey, did I ever tell you why I got the spider tattoo?”
Stede doesn’t remember Ed telling him anything about it, but he nods in lieu of giving a verbal response, because if he says No, then there’s the likelihood that Ed could then respond by straying ever further away from the topic at hand.
“But then Mary Read came along and killed the wolf,” Ed continues, “and then somehow it became a rabbit when she and Anne cooked it up for dinner. Weird.”
“Erm...it was always a rabbit, Ed. If you thought it was anything but, then you must have still been feeling the effects of having been in the Gravy Barrel.”
“Huh?”
“Oh, no, wait – where’d I get Barrel from? Buttons told me it was the Gravy Bucket.”
“What the fuck are you talking about? It’s the Gravy Basket.”
Stede nods. “Right. The Basket,” he says. He pauses for a moment to reconsider. “But are you sure? Buttons explained to me about how it all works. If you were there in the Gravy Bucket seeing visions and all, then, when you came out of it you’d still not be sure of what was real and what wasn’t.”
“It was the Gravy Basket! Hornigold told me so when I was there!”
“Hornigold? Wow!”
“Yeah, wow,” Ed says rolling his gaze to the skies.
“But, after you came out of it, if you didn’t know what was real, then how can you be sure that in your visions it was called the Gravy Basket?”
“Fuck’s sake, Stede! It was the fucking Gravy Basket! Even Buttons said those very words to my face after I came out of it! Until you’ve been there, you can’t know! So can you just trust me for once?”
Stede stiffens up, straightening his back and tucking his chin. “Of course I trust you! All right! Okay! I made an error! Acknowledged! Sorry! I’ll never mention it again, I promise. I have nothing more to say about it. My lips are sealed! Zippo!”
“Shut up already!”
Stede manages to remain calm despite Ed’s outburst, hoping the man will lower his energy in turn. “There’s no need for anger, Ed. So, you were saying? About what you saw in the woods this morning?”
Thankfully, Ed quickly exhales a loud huff of excess air, seemingly purging any pent-up anger. He collects himself for a few seconds, then begins again as if their previous heated exchange had never taken place. He smiles (Oh, that gorgeous smile!), and resumes his story. “I was walking through the woods looking for game, and I guess what I saw wasn’t really a wolf, but this rabbit-like thing with really huge ears, and – no lie! – it had antlers!”
“Wow! A Jackalope?”
“The fuck is a jackalope?”
“It's what you just said! A jackrabbit with antlers; and generally those of a pronghorn antelope. A Jackalope! It’s a portmanteau!
“What’s a poor man toe?”
“A portmanteau. Two known words combined to create a new word. Jackrabbit and Antelope combined become Jackalope!
“Okay, whatever. But have you ever seen one of those things?”
“No. The jackalope is a North American folklore phenomenon. A legend. A mythical creature.”
“I know what I saw, Stede, and it sure as Hell wasn’t mythical. It was real.”
Stede wonders about Ed’s state of mind. Could the man still be feeling the effects of the Gravy Whatever-It’s-Called months later? Or did he perhaps sample some wild mushrooms in the woods this morning that caused him to hallucinate? Whatever the matter is, Stede knows that there’s no such thing as a living, breathing jackalope – but he also recognizes that he’ll need to be careful not to upset Ed by saying so. ”I’d say you have nothing to worry about if you should ever encounter it again. A jackrabbit with pronghorn antlers can’t do much damage.”
“The Hell it can’t! it could hop up in the air towards you and stab you in the gut with its antlers, right?”
“I seriously doubt it. Rabbits are generally timid creatures. But if you do see it again, just be careful to tread carefully and quietly, and don’t provoke it. Still, I wouldn’t worry much about it.”
“Tread carefully and quietly, and don’t provoke it,” Ed echoes in a steady, pensive tone. “That makes sense.”
Stede can’t resist the urge to tease the man further. “Now, on the other hand, if we happened to encounter Bigfoot, that might be another story entirely.”
“Bigfoot?”
“A large, furry human-like being that walks on two legs. He’s been sighted in North America,” Stede says, straight-faced. “Supposedly,” he adds, primarily to keep himself honest.
Ed laughs. ”Bigfoot! What a great name that would be for a pirate, eh? It’s his identifier! I mean, look at me: Blackbeard! How easy is that? I have a beard, and it's black - so what else is there to know? So, what’s to know about Bigfoot? He has a big foot. But wait… he walks on two feet, you said. Why isn’t he called Big Feet?”
There Ed goes again, rambling on and on. Sometimes Stede wonders if the man does it just to hear himself talk. To keep himself busy, in a sense. Maybe Ed thinks he’ll be uninteresting to others if he doesn’t fill in the quiet moments and lulls in conversations. Even at bedtime, Ed can go on and on about… well, whatever he chooses to go on and on about on any given night. It could be anything; his favorite pirate battles, his childhood friends or his childhood in general, or even something as mundane as his favorite colors. It’s a wonder Stede gets any sleep at night.
“Stede? Are you listening to me?”
Stede comes out of his musings with a start. ”Yes! You were saying…?” He inclines his head towards his lover to hint that he should continue, because honestly, Stede had lost track of what the man was talking about.
“Bigfoot!”
“Right! A good pirate name, you said.”
“He probably has a big dick, too,” Ed says as simply as if stating that the sky is blue.
“Excuse me?”
“You know what they say about big feet, right? So, he’s probably got a big dick.”
Stede slowly lowers his chin, while taking his gaze to the grass, and shakes his head with a sigh. How did the conversation come to this, he wonders. . .
”You know, that should’ve been your pirate name,” Ed pipes up.
Stede snaps his head back upward. ”What?”
“Big Dick. It could’ve been your identifier.”
“I think The Gentleman Pirate was a perfectly appropriate identifier,” Stede retorts.
“It’s a fancy title, I’ll give you that. But come on, you and I both know you have a big dick.”
“Change of subject requested,” Stede says firmly, raising his eyebrows.
Ed obliges with a smile. ”You’re fuckin’ incredible, you know that? You know so much useful stuff, like about fine fabrics, proper utensils, etiquette, parlour games, and all that. But then, there’s the totally useless stuff you know. And that’s the fun stuff! I learn something new from you every day, and I never get tired of it. Like, who the Hell else knows about jackalopes and Big Foot and poor man-"
“Portmanteau.”
“I love this side of you,” Ed says. ”Honestly, I’m getting a bit of rise just hearing you talk about all this new stuff – and probably because I’m also thinking about your big dick.” Ed’s eyes widen as scans his gaze slowly down below Stede’s face, to his chest, to his waist, and then below. ”Yeah, there it is… That big dick of yours is getting even bigger,” he says, pointing directly at the hardening bulge in Stede’s trousers. ”Man, I’m so hot for you right now…”
Stede finds himself pulled into a vice-grip embrace. Ed seizes his mouth in a good, long kiss, during which Stede happily reciprocates by taking part in mutual and vigorous tongue play.
“I want you,” Ed growls after coming up for air. ”Now. Right here.” He rips off his own vest and shirt, and flings them to the ground.
Stede goes weak in the knees. A shirtless Ed is a beautful sight to behold, and the prospect of sex is always welcome, but – but… “Erm… Couldn’t we just go the bedroom instead?” he suggests. “We’re too close to Izzy’s grave, let’s not disrespect him, okay? Besides, the ground’s really hard, and there may be insects… and worms… and then there’s the dirt, of course…and maybe some vegetation that might not agree with your skin? Or mine? Wouldn’t want to have an allergic reaction, would you? And… I thought you didn’t like nature anyway?”
“I don’t – but when it comes to you, I can make an exception. Hell, I went into the woods this morning for you.”
“We’ll hunt in the woods together later, okay? But I’d really like a nice soft bed for what you’re currently proposing.”
“Fair enough. Anything for you, Babe,” Ed snatches up his vest and shirt from the ground and grins. ”Well, what are we waiting for?” He heads off towards the inn. ”Come on, Big Dick!”
“Please don’t call me that!” Stede trots and catches up to Ed – who, of course, is talking, and continues talking the entire time as they approach the entrance to the inn:
“What’s wrong with my calling you Big Dick? It’s nothing to be embarrassed about, and there’s nobody’s around to hear us talking about it. And speaking of nobody being around, what’s taking so long for us to get some guests? Just this morning I was thinking we might have to put our heads together and figure out how to get people to come here ourselves, because obviously Frenchie and his bunch have been next to ineffective. Not that I don’t like them or anything like that, because your lot actually turned out to be decent pirates – but face it, they’re not businessmen like us! Oh, by the way, have I told you lately how glad I am that Lucius and I finally patched things up? Because that was getting to be an awkward situation. I know he went through some rough times after I threw him off the ship. Man, I still can’t believe I really did that – but I really was a mess after you deserted me. But never mind, sorry I even brought it up – because that’s water under the bridge now…or the plank or, whatever. I’m okay now – and we’re okay. Look at us, here, together, soon to receive guests at our very own inn!”
Stede opens the front door. ”I do love how we fixed-up this front door and decorated the foyer, don’t you?”
“I think you’re gonna love the bedroom a lot more for right now,” Ed hints as they turn the corner and speed down the corridor. ”Hey, do you think jackalopes fuck a lot? I mean, rabbits fuck all the time, and jackalopes are essentially rabbits, so I’m thinking they probably do.”
“I suppose so,” Stede says.
The pair reach the bedroom and go inside. ”Okay,” Ed says, “ready to fuck like a couple of jackalopes?”
“Absolutely!”
In these, their most intimate moments, each one instinctively knows what to do, and exactly which actions to take in order to please the other. The room goes silent, save for the kicking off of boots, the rustling of clothing being removed, and the soft crackling of the cornhusk mattress as the naked lovers ease their bodies down and then negotiate the necessary positional adjustments for what will ultimately take place. Soon will come the low moans, the grunts, gasps, and sighs that result from their foreplay, their coupling, and ultimately, their surrenders to ecstasy.
Sometimes, words just aren't necessary.