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Q was not sure if it’s a good idea to come back to the café. The whole morning he has been battling with himself while his classmates went around signing each other’s and his shirt on their last day of school.
It’s not like he hasn’t been to P’O’s café in the last few months. Of course he has. It’s more of a home for him than his actual house. But even though he has still been visiting the café, he has kept a distance. Mentally and physically.
Q looks at the very canvas placed on an easel that he has been avoiding for months. It was a hard decision for him to make, but he did it for him. His Nong NomPhan.
He sighs and adverts his eyes from the easel and walks over to the counter where P’O has already spotted him.
“I thought you were dead Nong!” his friend, the owner of the café, exclaims more excited than anything as Q is approaching,
“Feeling dead after those exams if I’m honest Phi” Q grumbles.
“Nothing that a milkshake can’t fix! I’ll make you one on the house. I missed seeing you here.”
Q lets out a genuine smile. “Yeah I missed it too.”
“Didn’t you want to come over in the evening?”
“Yeah, but I changed my mind. I wanted to come by now and tell you that I’ll probably won’t be around much anymore.”
“Going to art school like planned?” P’O asks while making Q’s drink.
Q nods. “Yeah, me and Peem found a good faculty.”
“Good that you’ll at least have a friend with you.”
“I do have friends, Phi.”
P’O raises his eyebrows and grins. “Yet I’ve only seen you here alone. Drawing on your own. Studying on your own. Not even talking to anyone else than this old guy here.” he points at himself and hands over Q’s milkshakes.
Q rolls his eyes as he starts sipping his drink. He leans against the counter and looks around the familiar space.
P’O has finally put down the obnoxious seasonal decorations and the café has gone back looking like Q loves it the most. The creative space with art of his hanging on the walls, with the odd cat figurine or painting here and there.
A few people are in here at this hour, a guy in his thirties on a laptop, a mother and grandmother with a child that keeps running around the tables, and a few students sitting in several parts of the café.
Looking through the opening in the brick wall that leads to the other room of the café, he notices a student stand up and walk over to a corner where no one usually goes to. No one except Q.
The guy’s figure disappears as he walks past the opening in the wall, and reappears in Q’s view through the window right next to the opening, before the figure disappears again when he reached the corner of the room.
The corner with the easel.
Q puts down his milkshake as P’O is saying something, but he tunes him out. He walks a few steps to the side of the counter. At this angle, the figure comes once again into view through the window, giving Q a direct line of sight into the corner of the second room of the café.
And with what he sees, his breath gets caught in his throat.
The guy, a student, maybe a year or so younger than Q, has poked his head behind the canvas.
Q’s canvas. His and Nong NomPhan’s canvas.
If Q would have still been holding his milkshake he would have possibly dropped it.
He wants to close his eyes, turn around. It feels wrong, forbidden to see the other.
Q has sworn himself to keep a distance, made his peace with the idea of never knowing who his special person is, to never have the chance to see how he looks like.
He feels like throwing up, not wanting to and not feeling ready with being confronted with what he was trying to avoid. Avoid for Nong NomPhan’s own good and future.
Q tries to rationalise and think that maybe it’s just a random guy checking out the artists signature behind the painting. Just someone interested in his art.
But before Q can shake out of being frozen, the guy’s head comes put from behind the canvas and Q wants to cry.
Not only, but maybe also because for the first time he sees him. His Nong. His special someone. The guy that he has been exchanging post it notes with for the past…almost two years. The guy that he had avoided for the past many months.
His previous attempt at rationalising this situation and possibility of this just being a random student…it all crumbled, including his heart, when he saw the facial expression on the guy’s face.
Q wants to cry.
As the guy’s face came into view after he took a look behind the canvas, Q is being hit by a wave of pain, sadness, and an excruciating amount of shame.
A random guy would just take a look, and maybe have unbothered smile on their face at the most.
But not this guy.
Because the younger guy’s face is being clouded by sadness and disappointment
The sad expression cements Q’s worry. That this is him.
Q feels scorched and looks away as if being burned.
He didn’t even see how he looked.
All he could see, was the overwhelming look of disappointment on the other’s face.
No this couldn’t be. This could be anyone, right?! Anyone could be looking disappointed when looking at the back of a canvas, right? Not just because you are looking for a post it note, right?!
“You ok Q?” P’O’s voice finally gets through and reaches Q’s brain. “You look like you’ve seen someone dead.”
Q lets out a breathy panicked chuckle and rubs his face with his hands as he turns to the owner.
“Can’t be having two sad people moping around in here and scare away customers. Nong Toey is already too sad for my taste, I don’t need you to start looking like that too. So please cheer up, would you?”
Q takes his hands off his face and stares at P’O.
“Exam season is really messing with students mental health. The government should do something about that.” P’O adds as he is wiping down the counter and into the other room.
Q follows his line of sight and turns to look through the wall into the other room again, where the guy from before is walking back to his table, feet dragging on the floor and head hung low.
“P’O…do you know that person?” Q asks against his better judgement.
But he needs to know. He needs to know that he is wrong and that is just a random student that has just gotten his heart broken by his girlfriend.
The owner starts chuckling and Q turns back to him, leaving the view of the sad boy behind.
“Haha, you’re asking something really strange. Why wouldn’t I know? That’s the guy who found your pencil case, remember? He’s been a regular here for a few years now. He’s been acting strangely for a few months now. Just like you. First I thought because both of you are doing your final exams, but Nong Toey is a year younger than you, so I don’t know what his issue is but…”
Q has started to tune out his fiend’s voice and he feels numb all over. He understood what the other was saying but he doesn’t want it to be true.
Because if this is true, then this is his Nong NomPhan, his Nong Milkshake, his special someone, the person that he…loves.
And if this is true, then the expression on the guy’s face…is because of Q. It’s his fault. It’s the pain that he caused him.
This was not the plan. He wanted his Nong to have a better life and not being chained to Q or to this county. He wanted Nong NomPhan to go to Australia and become a doctor and have the future he deserves. Not being tied to Q.
But this was to be expected. Toey would be heartbroken. Of course. An Q was too. But with Q keeping a distance and going no contact, he had hoped that eventually Toey will get over him and go and live his life.
And he will. Eventually.
However the guy who slumped back into his chair is not there yet. He will be though. Eventually. And then he will forget Q and live a happy life. Without him.
For the first time seeing the younger boy, Q actually allows to look at him past his disappointed and sad facial expression.
And he looks handsome.
A clean haircut with his bangs falling onto his face, a set of thick brows, flushed cheeks, his lips scowling but adorned with an arched cupids bow.
He is tall, Q can see that even now when he has sat back down in his chair. The guy is wearing his school uniform. Q recognises the stitching on the uniform from another school nearby, a school where Q almost went to if Ai’Peem didn’t keep whining and begging Q’s mom to sign him up in the same school as Peem.
Q looks down along the guy’s slender body, to his feet. He is wearing Vans. They look brand new but the side of one of the shoe sole is looking like it has been almost shaved off, and there is a hole right above where his big toe should be.
He spots the deck of a skateboard poking out from the top of a backpack sitting on the other chair. Q’s lips form a small smile. ‘So he’s a skater’ he thinks.
Q knows he should stop, but with every new observation he finds out more and more about him. He knows he shouldn’t, but he can’t stop. He wants to and he needs to know more about him.
“What’s his name?” Q asks, not even looking at P’O.
“Toey.”
“Nong Toey” Q whispers, testing out his name.
He has been calling him Nong NomPhan for so long. He became synonymous with milkshake just like Q’s nickname of P’Dinsor with pencil.
Q has to admit that more than once he has been caught off guard when someone at school said the word pencil or asked him for one. It’s as if he has been waiting all these years for someone to say this word to him. Someone special. His special someone.
His special someone that has a name now. Toey.
“Ok listen, here’s another milkshake.” P’O says to get Q’s attention after however many minutes, and puts another drink on the counter.
“Would you be so kind and bring it over to Nong Toey so that at least one of you can stop moping around because honestly the vibe in here is kinda ruined with both of you being in a sour mood.”
“No!” Q shoots out a but louder than intended.
He immediately turns and lowers his head, so that his back is facing the other side of the café, effectively hiding his face from Toey in fear that he could have noticed him.
Q stares at the counter, waiting ten seconds, thirty, sixty.
“What the ever living fuck is going on with you Q?” P’O has ducked his head down to look at Q.
“Nothing” Q grumbles, slowly straightens up again and risking a glance back over his shoulder to Toey.
The younger guy is still sitting at the table, elbow now propped up on the surface, and his chin resting on his palm, staring at the easel.
There it is again. The feeling of guilt taking over Q’s stomach. Shit.
Then, suddenly Toey stands up from his chair.
Q, as quickly as possible, moves around and to the outer side of the counter, out of sight.
“It’s not nothing. Something’s going on.” P’O who is standing right next to Q, looks at him and his eyes narrow. “Are you…avoiding him?”
“No.”
P’O’s keeps staring him down.
“Ok yes.” Q sighs and dares to look back. He sees Toey at the easel again, this time standing behind it.
“Oooh, I think I know what’s going on.” P’O muses.
Q turns his attention back to look at the owner. “Respectfully, you know nothing.”
“Knowing everything for sure, maybe not. But have you forgotten that I’m the one that gave you your pencil case back after he found it, and that I’m the one who delivered your drawing to him as a thank you?”
Q’s mouth presses into a thin line.
“And even though I have followed Nong Toey’s wishes of not taking a look behind the picture, I could clearly see you and him walk to that painting with a post it note in hand, grinning like idiots, for years now.”
P’O looks into the distance, most likely at Toey, and then back to Q who is still standing behind the pillar at the counter.
“First I thought that you would for sure know each other. Like you would have for sure talked with each other at some point and you would just be doing the post it thing as a cute little alternative to texting because your schedules almost never aligned.”
P’O’s eyes narrow again and he starts grinning. “But now I think Nong Q here is a little chicken and has kept a secret pen pal thing going on for all these years.”
“Shut your mouth” Q hisses, which makes P’O grin even more.
“Well, that would be rude if I had to keep my mouth closed with my costumers.” he glances away and back to Q. “Well, there’s the next customer. Seems like you don’t need to walk over to hand Toey his milkshake.”
Q’s eyes widen. He doesn’t even risk taking a look, and immediately squats down behind the counter out of sight. Right in time.
“It’s getting late.”
Q has never heard this voice but he immediately knows that this is Nong Toey.
“It’s only 3pm.” P’O states as a matter of fact.
“Yeah, but…” Toey starts whining. Q feels a strange pull at his heart. “…but Toey is getting tired so Toey is heading home.”
Oh. Toey uses his name as a pronoun. Q didn’t expect this. In his post it notes, Toey used ‘phom’ (male personal pronoun for I), if he used pronouns at all.
But hearing Toey use his name…it’s cute. Usually something that kids say to their parents when referring to themselves, or girls using it to sound cute.
Q almost never heard a guy their age speak like this. It’s strangely endearing.
“Alright, get some rest Nong.” P’O replies. “But before you go, take this.”
Q doesn’t have to wonder what he’s referring to for too long.
“A milkshake?” Toey asks and probably takes it in his hand. Q wouldn’t know, because he is hiding like a coward.
“Yeah, someone who I haven’t seen here in a long while, came in today and asked me to make you a milkshake.”
This bastard O, Q thinks and already plans his vengeance, when his thoughts get interrupted by a surprised voice.
“Really?”
A contrast like night and day. Q can practically feel Toey’s smile in his voice and the overwhelming amount of hope that swings with it.
If seeing Toey sad and disappointed earlier was bad, this was worse.
“Yeah, sadly he couldn’t give it to you in person. He’s too much of a chicken for that.”
Q can’t help himself and elbows P’O into the back of his knee.
His leg buckles as if he’s made a joke and he plays it off with an awkward chuckle, Toey joining in with a confused chuckle of his own.
P’O quickly kicks into Q’s general direction, to which Q hisses in pain.
“Anyways, here’s your milkshake. Enjoy!” the owner of the café adds and turns to wipe down the already clean counter.
Q waits and doesn’t hear Toey leave. Why is he still here?
“P’O, do you…” the younger’s voice comes out oh so quiet.
“…do you maybe know how he’s doing? Is he ok? Is he doing alright?”
“You mean the guy who got you the milkshake?”
No answer, but Q presumes that Toey is nodding.
“Well, stressed with his exams as you can imagine. But he’s through with school so I guess the guy can finally relax a bit.”
Q rolls his eyes. It’s so cheesy that he-
“Toey hopes so too.”
Q’s heart starts to ache.
“Can you tell him that Nong NomPhan hopes he can have a good break and relax for a bit?”
“Uhm…”
Q can feel the subtle glance that P’O is throwing him from above, but he ignores it.
“I don’t know when I’ll see him again. He left a few hours ago and told me he won’t be around much anymore.”
“Oh…”
“But in case that I might see him, what would you want to tell him? Anything that comes to mind.”
There is silence for a moment or two.
“Tell him good luck in his studies and in becoming a great artist. Wish him a happy birthday whenever he has his birthday. And-“ Toey’s voice gets stuck in his throat, clearly emotions taking over.
And Q would be lying if he said he himself isn’t feeling his own throat tie up.
“Please tell him that his Nong is okay and that he’s happy and doing his best in school to make his Phi proud.”
Q releases a shaky breath, squeezing his eyes shut.
“I have to go now P’O.”
“Oh yeah, sure. Here, please take a tissue Nong.”
Q can hear a mumbled thanks.
“I’ll see you next week?” P’O asks, his voice more cheery, trying to lighten up the mood.
“Oh yeah Toey forgot. Toey wanted to tell you that I don’t know if I’ll be coming back anymore. Next year Toey has to study a lot and focus on exams. Mom has hired a tutor for me because I am going to study medicine. So Toey doesn’t know if there is even free time. But Toey promises to come by if possible.”
Q opens his eyes and looks up at P’O’s surprised face.
“Well then. Good luck Nong Toey. Please don’t disappear on me, na?”
“Thanks” Toey says with a smile in his voice but a light sniffle nonetheless. “Bye bye na!”
Q hears Toey walk back to the other part of the café again and out through the door closest to the street.
Q lets out a big exhale and slumps fully against the back of the counter, extending his legs on the floor.
“You ok there buddy?” P’O’s voice comes from above and all that Q can do, is shake his head.
___
It was selfish of himself, Q thinks, to want to see Toey one last time. A few weeks ago when his professor announced that their faculty would take part in several school’s guidance camps, Q didn’t really pay attention. Not until his professor read through the list of high schools.
Q was the first one to volunteer. Not for his own school but the one he almost went to if it weren’t for Peem.
So here he is, at said guidance camp. Because he is selfish.
He wants to see him one last time before Toey goes off into the world, leaving Thailand behind. And leaving Q behind.
But it’s his own fault, Q thinks. It’s him who rejected his Nong via post it note. It’s him who disappeared from Toey’s world. Because Toey deserves a good future. And not someone like Q.
He keeps looking around for a boy that he has seen for the first and last time about half a year ago in P’O’s shop.
But he would recognise him anywhere, no matter how long it has been.
“Hey mueng,” Peem gets Q’s attention, chuckling lightly “I can’t believe those kids are having home sickness already. We’ve been gone for less than 6 hours.”
“Huh?” Q didn’t really paying attention to other things happening around him.
“There was a kid passing through here a moment ago who just randomly started crying out of nowhere.”
“Huh, weird.” Q mumbles, not paying too much attention to Peem, and kept scanning the surrounding for someone.
“Come on bro, cheer up a little. You’ve been acting weird all day.”
“Fuck off Peem.”
____
Half an hour or so later, shortly before they were supposed to give the Juniors some advice on exam preparation, Q heard someone call his name.
“Phi Q!”
Q freezes on the spot, not turning around to the person approaching.
But that didn’t matter because said person walked around hin and stopped right in front of him.
“Do you remember me?”
How could he not.
Before him is standing the wide eyed boy with a big smile, and the addition of a slightly red nose. Nong Toey.
“Uhm…” shit fuck, Q was’t prepared to see him now. Yes he was looking for him. Yes he signed up for this stupid guidance camp to have a chance to see him one last time. But he wasn’t prepared.
“…uhm, Nong Tang, right?”
Toey’s smile changes into a scowl. “Toey”
“Oh right, Nong Toey.”
“So you don’t remember Toey.”
“No no, it’s just that I’m bad with names, sorry.” Q attempts a smile.
“Yeah sure” Toey counters sarcastically.
This feels awkward. Everything feels awkward.
“So, what are you doing here?” Q asks as if he doesn’t know the answer already.
“Toey is more interested to know why Phi is here.”
“I’m here as a guidance councillor.” Q points at his name tag.
“Faculty of Fine Arts” Toey reads out loud.
“Yeah, but you knew that already, right?” Q looks at the other, remembering their encounter months ago.
______
After Q has calmed down behind the counter on the floor of P’O’s café, he picked himself up and went to the easel.
And there it was. Another post it note.
‘I miss you’
Everything comes rushing back. Q needs to go out of here, looking around and choosing one of the other two exits that Toey didn’t exit through a few minutes ago.
He chooses the door that leads to the left side of the café where you can exit to the toilets or the streets. Q thought he made a clever decision by not using the main doors, but the moment he walked out of the café, he regrets it instantly.
Because the guy who has exited the café minutes ago through the door on the opposite side of the building, comes down the path from the restroom to the street, passing the door and colliding with Q.
Q freezes as he realises who he just ran into.
The smaller boy, looks up at Q, in shock of having run into someone, an apology already forming on his lips.
Q sees in what state the boy is. Eyes slightly bloodshot and fringe wet, as if he has just washed his face in the restroom.
Then the smaller guy looks down to their feet, where a spilled Milkshake lays on the gravel…and he starts sobbing.
“Nong, are you ok?” What a stupid question. Of course he isn’t ok. And Q is the reason why he isn’t ok. Heck, even Q isn’t ok.
Toey rubs his forearm over his eyes and shakes his head, more sobs escaping his mouth as he completely lost it.
Q rubs his hand over his own mouth and sighs, looking around, trying to think of something, anything.
“I’ll get you a new milkshake, ok Nong?” He tries but he feels like Toey isn’t even hearing him.
It’s like Toey is somewhere else while his body is doing its own thing and completely breaking down.
Q sighs and against his better judgement he hugs him, wrapping the shaking, crying body of Nong Toey into his arms.
And it’s like another dam breaks inside them, both Toey and Q.
Toey is going lax in Q’s arms and sobbing into his neck, returning the hug and squeezing him as close as possible.
Q on the other hand has this strange sense of relief as he is holding the smaller boy in his arms. A very self indulgent relief of holding his Nong in his arms. His special someone. The guy whose heart he broke. The guy whose reason for crying was himself.
It was selfish. All of it, but she hugged Toey closer to him, applying pressure with his arm around the other’s torso. He is slowly petting Toey’s head and mumbling things like “It’s ok, you can cry. It’s going to be ok” into his ear.
It is so selfish of him. All of it.
But now that the consequences of his actions are right before him, the consequences he wanted to avoid by keeping a distance, running away…
…he can’t run away from them. At least for now. So he keeps holding Toey until he calms down. He reassures him, as the younger one is apologising a thousand times for crying on his shirt where his schoolmate’s signatures have started to dissolve. He brings him another milkshake after he has calmed down.
And they make smalltalk.
They sit down at the tables outside of the café. Q does his best to stay there long enough until he feels it is ok to leave Toey to be alone again. The normal acceptable amount of time that any stranger would give to someone who they found sobbing somewhere.
But Q can’t get himself to just excuse himself and go home.
He asked Toey if he wants to talk about what made him cry. As anyone would ask.
But Toey declined.
Q should feel relieved that Toey doesn’t want to tell him about all the things this Phi of his did to this Nong.
But somehow he felt rejected. Toey usually told Q everything.
However this is not their post it notes. And this is not P’ Dinsor and Nong NomPhan sitting opposite each other. This is P’Q and Nong Toey, strangers that just bumped into each other.
So they made smalltalk about this and that. At one point the stray cats came visiting their outside table and Toey tried to pet one of them, before the two cats got into a fight with each other.
The sun was already getting lower and lower on the horizon, when Toey pointed at Q’s shirt.
“You graduated?”
“Yeah, finally. Highschool sucked.” Q answers truthfully.
“Did you get into a good faculty? Toey is trying to get into med school.”
“Med school, nice. You’ll have a good future ahead of you Nong.”
Toey sighs. “Yeah, that’s what everyone is telling Toey all the time.”
Q adverts his eyes, looking at the bushes that grow around the property of the café, giving them at their outdoor table shade and protection from the dusty ground of the parking lot.
“What will you be studying?” Toey asks.
“Fine arts” Q answers automatically, still looking at the greenery.
“Really?!”
Shit. Q looks back at Toey, whose face tuned to full on excitement.
“Do you know the guy who painted the pictures in the café?”
Toey’s eyes are hopeful. Of course. This supposed stranger in front of him might know a fellow artist who happens to be Toey’s special someone.
“Not really. I saw him here a few times, sitting in the corner and drawing something. But I didn’t really interact with him. He’s kind of a lone wolf.”
Toey visibly deflates at that answer, which means success for Q.
“Yeah sounds like him…” Toey’s voice trails off, being captured in his own thoughts as he looks through the window back into the café where Q used to sit and draw.
Not that long after, they part ways. Their whole talk, it went on longer than it should have, Q thinks. But once again he was selfish and self indulgent and even though he wanted to run away, he also wanted to spend a little bit more time with his Nong.
After this, Q avoided going back to the café. Trying to avoid accidentally bumping into Toey, and also avoiding keeping his hopes up that he might see him there.
What Q didn’t know about that day however, was that after Q and Toey parted ways, Toey lingered at the café for a bit right when Q left and P’O was about to close the café.
After a little bit of begging, P’O let him back in to get something he supposedly forgot on his chair.
As P’O unlocked the door again, Toey squeezed through and sprinted to the easel, looking behind it and…finding that the post it note he put there earlier…
…is gone.