Work Text:
After Bernero transfers to the L.A. office, which fails spectacularly, Messer takes over his place as the company's head despot. The first thing she does is force them all to do team-building exercises.
"To boost morale," she says as she divides them into teams for a "trust game" which appears to have been lifted straight from the pages of her favorite book, The Hunger Games.
"I thought the idea was not to have us build alliances within the office," Shemar says. He has stripped off his shirt and is now sitting cross-legged in the handicapped bathroom along with A.J. and Joe, having decided his shirtlessness to be the most effective weapon against their co-workers. If A.J. weren't completely gay for Paget, she might be inclined to agree with that assessment.
Meanwhile, Joe's secret weapon are nunchucks made from chains of garlic, which A.J. notes would only be of use if any of their co-workers were actually vampires.
They're so going to die.
Messer allows them to choose five things from the supply closet for their emergency kit. "Make good choices, people," she tells them over the intercom. "Remember, these are the only things you have to kill your opponents with. Unless you use your bare hands. Keep your options open."
Joe comes back with a pack of highlighters and sticky tabs that say "Please sign here," but thank god A.J. knows what she's doing so she grabs a stapler, a paper cutter, and a box of thumbtacks. She almost has to clobber Matthew with a three-hole punch to get to the stapler, but he's quick on his feet and shimmers away like a mirage, the bastard. The thumbtacks spill all over the floor, and A.J. crouches down to pick them up --- a vulnerable position, she realizes when she hears someone creeping up behind her.
"Relax, it's just me."
A.J. turns around to see Paget, with a metal ruler tucked into her belt and a crown of purple Post-its on her head.
"Trust no one," A.J. echoes Messer. "Prove your allegiance or prepare to die."
"Please, if I wanted to, I could easily sever your carotid with a paper clip," Paget says. "I got you something. Bandages. For your emergency kit."
She is holding out a roll of surgical bandages, probably left over from the time Matthew sprained his ankle during Office Olympics, which led to Gibson cancelling all future Office Olympics.
"Smart," A.J. comments. "First aid. I hadn't thought of that."
Paget looks at her like she's insane. "They're not for stopping bleeding, they're for strangling your enemies with."
"Remind me never to end up on your bad side," A.J. says, taking the bandages. She tosses Paget a box of ballpoint pens (excellent makeshift shivs), pulls Paget into a quick kiss, and runs off.
May the odds be ever in their favor.