Chapter Text
Raj was second place most of the time.
Since the day he was born, there was some part of Raj that knew that he’d never come first in anything. For starters, he was the second born child in his family, being four years younger than his sister, Araya. Of course, he couldn’t change that, but he couldn’t help but occasionally wish that he had a younger sister or brother to take care of, rather than somebody else coddling him.
As he grew up, it became quickly apparent that Raj was not the sharpest tool in the shed. He was never the lowest scorer in his class, but he also could never quite reach the higher grades. In most of his classes, he sat at a comfortable ‘B’. But he was ok with that; afterall, he never tried too hard in school. It made sense why his grade wasn’t higher.
His sister, Araya, was the complete opposite. She constantly excelled in all of her subjects and tried exceptionally hard in school. Their parents constantly praised her hard work and dedication, something that Raj didn’t often get congratulated for. He didn’t mind. Araya spent most of her time locked away in her room doing homework, or even extra work for some of her classes. Raj would much rather play with his friends. Especially his best friend, Wayne.
Wayne and Raj had known eachother since birth; their mothers were good friends, so they decided to immediately set the two boys up on playdates as soon as they were a couple of months old. Wayne was a month older than Raj, so took on the role as Raj’s older brother, even if he was only older by six weeks. It worked out nicely: Raj had always wanted a brother, and Wayne already had a younger sister, and could be responsible when he wanted to be. But he mainly just teased and played with Raj.
Wayne and Raj were both quite extroverted, but Wayne’s sociability made Raj look like an introvert. The blonde boy could easily grab the attention of any room he walked into, drawing all eyes to himself. Most of the time, he didn’t even realise he had done it. He was just loud, and seemed to emit intense, golden rays of energy that Raj couldn’t create himself. He tried, of course, but he never laughed as loud as Wayne, or told funnier jokes than Wayne, or made over-the-top hand movements while telling stories like Wayne. Sometimes, Wayne would throw his arms out while recounting a story, often accidentally hitting people. But the boy’s actions could never be louder than his booming voice.
Raj’s gestures tended to stay closer to himself, and so did his words. Raj liked to think and ponder over things, rather than express all of his thoughts in long, loud rambles like Wayne did. And he knew how much Wayne liked to talk, too. Not that Raj never spoke. Sometimes it was just easier to listen. The brunette sacrificed his popularity for Wayne, but he didn’t mind one bit. Not when he saw Wayne telling stories so enthusiastically - he loved to see how his best friend became so excited over mundane topics.
If Wayne was the lead, Raj was his supporting actor: forgotten by some, but he was crucial in helping the main character stand out. In fact, Raj supported most of the people in his life. While they took their turns in the spotlight, he stood in the wings and cheered and clapped for them the loudest. He had never been a great actor, after all.
Since they were together so much, everybody they knew began to just refer to the boys as ‘Wayne and Raj.’
‘Wayne and Raj’ sounded better than ‘Raj and Wayne’, anyway.
The two boys started playing ice hockey together when they were just six years old. Wayne had seen a flyer for a kids’ hockey class, and thought it looked like fun - he imagined that skating around on the endless ice felt similar to flying. His mom agreed (reluctantly), and so of course Raj asked if he could join as well. Raj’s mom was a lot more concerned with Raj joining hockey, however.
He had gone up to her after school that day, the leaflet in his hands. He smiled up at his mother, showing off the gap in his teeth from a recently lost tooth.
“Mom! Wayne’s mom is letting him do ice hockey! Can I do it too?” He asked.
Raj’s mother took the leaflet from her son and scanned it over. “Ice hockey?”
“Yeah! Doesn’t it look cool?”
“I don’t know, Raj. You’re very accident prone.”
“I’ll be safe, promise. Look, you even wear these big helmets and jumpers.” He pointed to a person on the flyer, who was holding a stick and grinning whilst gliding on the ice.
“Those huge wooden sticks don’t look safe.”
Raj looked up at his mother with wide, pleading eyes. “Please! I wanna do it with Wayne!”
After a pause, she rolled her eyes and tutted. “Yes, alright then. I’ll speak to Wayne’s mom to see when the times are.”
Raj punched the air and whooped. “Yes!”
Wayne and Raj joined that Saturday. At first, it was difficult to get used to skating on the ice, but eventually, Wayne figured it out. He began to zoom across the ice, while Raj wobbled slowly behind, struggling to stay upright.
“Come on, Rajie! You can do it!” Wayne encouraged.
“No I can’t,” Raj sulked. “It’s too hard.”
Wayne frowned. “Yeah, you can. You just gotta push your feet out, like this.” He grabbed Raj’s hand and demonstrated his skating.
The brunette boy slowly pushed one foot out, and then the other.
“That’s it! Just keep going!” Wayne cheered, letting go of his friend’s hand.
Raj managed to speed up after a while, and soon, him and Wayne were racing around the rink. Wayne was right - it felt like flying. Raj felt free and safe on the ice, like nothing could hurt him, especially with the tough hockey gear. Sometimes, skating felt easier than walking. The rink quickly became a second home for the boy.
As they grew up, so did their talent. Pretty soon, both Wayne and Raj could comfortably say they were the best players on their team. Well, maybe Wayne was a little better than Raj, but Raj was definitely second best. So, when the captain and alternate captain left, they knew they could fill their boots. They both tried out for captain, even though they knew only one would get the role. And Raj had a pretty good guess at who it would be.
Raj was not surprised when Wayne was appointed captain. He was even less surprised when he was given the role of alternate captain. Even though he had tried his hardest, he still fell short to Wayne. But he kept his chin up, since alternate captain was just as important - if Wayne wasn’t at a game, Raj would get to step up as captain.
Wayne didn’t tend to miss hockey games, so Raj didn’t get to play as the captain a lot.
One day, Raj found this old show called Total Drama. He invited Wayne round and the two binged the entire first season in one sitting. To be honest, they skipped through all the boring talk-y parts, and only watched the challenges.
It was awesome. There was paintball, dodgeball, cliff diving, canoeing and so much more. The boys loved the action and adventure, so of course they were ecstatic when they found out the show was being rebooted a year later. They signed up immediately - they only lived a few hours away from the island - and they somehow got accepted. As quickly as they’d filled out their application form, they were whisked away to Muskoka, where they’d be spending the next few weeks.
And then Raj met Bowie.
Raj hadn’t expected to really make new friends on the island. He had Wayne, after all. They were Wayne and Raj, the unstoppable duo.
But there was this boy on Raj’s team that caught his eye in a way that no one else had before. Or maybe they had, but Raj had tried to ignore it.
His whole life, Raj knew that something about him was different to the other boys he was friends with. He struggled to pinpoint what exactly was different, but he knew he occasionally felt a weird buzzing in his stomach when he saw other boys in his school. It didn’t happen with every boy, just a few here and there. Raj also noted that it never happened with girls.
He knew the term ‘gay’, but he didn’t think it applied to him. Sure, he never felt tingly around girls like he did with boys, but maybe he just admired them. It couldn’t be a crush, right?
If it was, he certainly wasn’t telling anyone. Alberta wasn’t known for being the most progressive area in Canada, and Raj had grown up hearing homophobic remarks and comments thrown left and right at people who ‘acted gay’, whatever the hell that meant.
But here he was, stuck on an island with an insanely good-looking teammate, and Raj could no longer ignore his feelings. He was gay. And he kissed Bowie on international television.
And it was great.
For the first time in his life, someone had seen Raj as an individual away from Wayne. When Raj thought that he was the moon, only there to support and emphasise the sun’s glow, Bowie made him feel more than that. He made Raj feel like the stars, whose beauty is only truly noticed once the sun leaves.
Naturally, the boys began to date after the show. While Wayne tagged along on a few dates, most were just for Bowie and Raj. The hockey boy didn’t think he’d ever want to date someone - the idea of being away from Wayne used to terrify him - until Bowie taught him how beautiful it was to love.
They went into the second season of Total Drama as a trio : Wayne, Raj and Bowie. Bowie was the first to go.
Throughout the previous year, Bowie had made it evident to Raj that he was first place in his eyes. And Raj relished in the feeling, since he didn’t get to feel like that a lot. Bowie worshipped Raj, messaging and face timing as much as possible, and would drive hours to see Raj, even if it was only for a day. Obviously, Raj also showered Bowie in heaps of attention - both boys were deeply in love with each other, and Raj wouldn’t want it any other way.
Similarly to Wayne, Bowie exuded an intense aura wherever he went, capturing the attentions of every person in an area. He had mass amounts of confidence and pride, and didn’t dare to shy away from the world.
But he didn’t catch anyone’s attention like he did Raj’s. The hockey jock would stand by Bowie’s side until the end of time if he could.
Until Bowie was eliminated. And Raj had one less person to support, one less duty to fulfil. But he could still be Wayne’s right-hand man.
And then Raj went.
When Raj was booted from the island, he felt a confusing mess of emotions. He wanted to feel proud of his accomplishment - fifth place was quite impressive, if he did say so himself - but he mainly felt an empty spot in his chest. It was an emptiness he was used to. Disappointment. The feeling that he let himself down. But he was used to that feeling. It had festered within him over many years, creating a permanent living space in Raj’s chest that he had learned to live with.
This disappointment seemed to break the borders of its normal perimeters. This time, it wasn’t just Raj who was disappointed in himself. Because he remembered what Bowie had said before he’d been eliminated. He wanted Raj to win. And Raj’s parents wanted him to win, too. And his hockey team. And he was leaving Wayne to compete alone in the final four.
So when he walked to the dock, and Chris asked him if he had any final words, Raj panicked. Did he need to talk about himself? About how proud he was that he made it to the final five, and how excited he was for Wayne? Or maybe he should talk about how disappointed he felt in himself. No, that seemed too depressing for Raj’s usual upbeat personality.
Instead, he did what he did best: support everyone else. He shouted-out his hockey team, asked Bowie out on a date (maybe it would make up for the fact Raj hadn’t won), and then turned to Wayne.
“And Wayner. We won’t reach the end together, but we’ll always be together in the end.”
This short speech sent Wayne into floods of tears, and he pulled Raj into a mighty bear hug. The alternate captain rubbed small circles on his captain’s back and bit his lip, fighting to hold back his own tears. He was supposed to be brave and support those around him. That was his job.
The drone picked Raj up, and carried him far, far away from the island, and Wayne, and the million dollars. The only thing that followed Raj was that empty feeling, which had breached its original enclosure, spreading to the rest of the boy’s body like a plague.
And then Wayne won.
Nobody could believe it.
After he received the million dollars, the island broke out into a huge celebration. Everyone had also celebrated at the end of the last season, but the atmosphere now felt so much more lively and free. Maybe it was because they were all supposedly free from Chris Mclean and his torturous challenges. Maybe it was because there was no longer the weight of being on television looming above every campers’ head. Maybe it was because there were no more rivalries or alliances.
But something seemed to bug Raj.
He watched Wayne jump up and down in excitement as Bowie placed his hands on the hockey player’s shoulders, trying to calm him down. Wayne stopped bouncing, and turned his head, looking right at Raj. He wriggled out of Bowie’s hold and dashed over to Raj, before pulling him into a tight hug. Raj couldn’t help but grin.
“You’re a millionaire, Wayner!” He yelled.
Wayne just laughed as he continued to jump up and down. Raj couldn’t be prouder of his best friend.
They headed back to Alberta, where Raj’s mother had invited a lot of his family to his house to celebrate the end of the season. Raj’s grandmother and grandfather were waiting at home for him, along with two of his aunts, one of his uncles and his cousin.
In all honesty, Raj just wanted to sit by himself and recover from the multiple weeks of straight socialisation he’d just endured, but he couldn’t tell his mother that. Not when she’d prepared a multitude of food, snacks and drinks for everyone to enjoy. So he forced himself to be social for just a few more hours, and talked to his grandparents, who seemed very excited to talk to their grandson.
“Fifth place! Congratulations, my boy!” Raj’s grandfather exclaimed. His grandmother nodded in agreement.
“Thanks,” Raj said, twiddling his thumbs. He tried desperately to ignore the sick feeling in his stomach.
“You are really incredible, Rajesh,” his grandmother added, placing a hand on his knee.
The contact was making Raj feel anxious and overwhelmed. All the noise, the constant praise, everyone was focused on Raj, and it was beginning to stress him out. He took a deep breath to steady himself.
“Thanks, grandma.”
“We’re all so proud of you, Rajesh. I hope you’re proud of yourself.”
Raj blinked. He was proud of himself, right? He had to be. Everyone told him he should be. He cleared his throat. “Um, yeah. I am.”
“You know who did do amazing?” His grandfather commented. “That friend of yours, Wayne.”
“Oo, yes. Didn’t he do well to win all that money?” His grandma said.
Raj nodded, but there was a concerning lack of enthusiasm. He’d always been eager to talk about Wayne’s accomplishments. Why did he feel so deflated?
He tapped his fingers on his knees. “Yeah, he did. I’m really happy for him.” He meant it sincerely, but it sounded as if he was lying through his teeth.
His grandpa whistled. “First place. Wow. You ought to take notes from him, boy.” He prodded a finger in Raj’s direction.
His grandma nodded in agreement. “Yes. He’s your hockey captain, too isn’t he?”
Raj nodded, and tried to smile.
“What a talented young man,” his grandmother cooed.
The brunette tried to smile wider. Why was this so hard all of a sudden?
“And that other boy is good, too,” Raj’s grandma added. “Bowie, is it?”
At the mention of his boyfriend’s name, Raj’s eyes lit up, but the rest of his body remained sitting lethargically.
“Bowie? Yeah, he did well. He made it to merge, but it was all Julia’s fault he got voted out. He woulda made it further if it wasn’t for her,” Raj rambled, averting his eyes to an empty space beside him.
His grandfather let out a rough, low laugh. “You could talk about that boy for hours!”
Raj grinned sheepishly.
“In that first season, he nearly won, right?” His grandmother asked.
“Yeah,” the jock confirmed.
“I guess you should be taking tips from him and Wayne then!” Raj’s grandpa laughed hoarsely at his own joke. His grandson chuckled politely too.
After a few more hours of small compliments (mostly about Wayne), and mundane conversations with random family members, the celebration finally began to wrap up. Raj thanked everyone for coming, and, as soon as the last person left, he dashed up to his room, belly-flopping onto his bed. He let out a large sigh, and finally allowed himself to relax for the first time in weeks.
In the dark and silence of his room, Raj’s mind began to wander. He thought about how much more excited people were to talk about Wayne’s accomplishments over his own. And he understood why- Wayne won. Of course people would be proud. Raj was proud.
He had just put so much effort in Total Drama. After the first season, he had aimed to make it much further than before, which was quite easy, considering nobody saw him or Wayne as immediate threats. He had tried so, so hard, and it payed off. But it still wasn’t enough. Even his greatest efforts still didn’t grant Raj a gold medal.
His best was the world’s second best. And as Raj stared up at his ceiling, stained black by the dimness of his room, he began to wonder how he managed to make it through life so far with just a second-place trophy. His silver coating would never shine as brightly as Wayne and Bowie’s gold exteriors did, and he started to worry that his achievements will always be overshadowed by their blinding first-place medals.
Raj thought that he wouldn’t mind standing slightly below others on the podium. But when he put all of his efforts and hard-work into everything that he did, and still stood a few inches short of the gold medal holder, he realised he cared a lot more about the spotlight than he initially thought.
Raj closed his eyes, but his mind continued to race. He didn’t get much sleep that night.