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“How the hell did this even happen?” Bones shouted, arms crossed.
Jim lowered his head. Actually, both Jims did. Real-Jim watched as Thought-Jim grew big sad puppy eyes. “Um, I touched a glowy rock and now my thoughts come to life?” he explained sheepishly. Thought-Jim demonstrated, picking up a thought-rock and exploding into tiny Thought-Jims before regenerating and batting his eyelashes at Bones.
Bones watched, mildly perturbed, but mostly curious. “Can you touch it?”
“No,” said Jim, waving his hand through Thought-Jim’s midsection. Thought-JIm did jazz hands. “They’re silent, too.”
“I dunno what you want me to do about this,” said Bones as Thought-Jim ran in circles around him.
“I need a place to hide,” said Jim, and Thought-Jim fell to his knees and pleaded at Bones. Stars, Thought-Jim was getting really annoying really fast. Even as he thought this, Thought-Jim reflected it, frowning and crossing his arms.
“Hide?” Bones raised an eyebrow.
“I can’t let Spock see me,” Jim said. Thought-Jim split in half, one of them hiding his face in his hands, blushing scarlet, and another kissing a newly conjured Thought-Spock.
Bones nodded as realization dawned. “Got it. You can go hide in my office.”
“Thank you!” Jim took off immediately, but not before a Thought-Jim kissed Bones on the mouth.
“Do it for real, you coward!” Bones called behind him. Another Thought-Jim stuck out his tongue.
-----
It didn’t take long for there to be so many Thought-Jims in Bones’s office that Real-Jim almost felt suffocated, even though the Thought-Jims were permeable. One of them was literally bouncing off the walls like a spring or that ball in Men In Black, another was curled up in a ball and crying in the corner, one was kissing Spock, one was kissing Bones, one had his mouth open in a silent scream, one was flapping his hands and rocking back and forth, and one other one was sleeping on Bones’s desk.
Real-Jim just sat and thought and watched and waited for the annoying ability to fade.
And then the yellow alert started blaring.
“Captain Kirk to the bridge,” came Uhura’s voice over the intercom. Instantly all the Thought-Jims vanished, replaced by one that ran ahead of Jim as he booked it to the bridge.
Thought-Jim made it to the chair before Real-Jim did, and Real-Jim sat on top of him. “Status report, Mister Spock.”
“We have come across an unidentified ship. We are hailing on all frequencies, but they have not answered,” said Spock. “However, they have not made any hostile movements.”
“Got it. Uhura, keep trying to hail them.”
“Yes Captain.”
“Sulu, block their way if they try to leave.”
“Yessir!”
And then Thought-Jim made himself known again. One of them slowly creeped towards Spock. When Jim noticed this, another Though-Jim tackled the other and the two of them began to tussle in the middle of the bridge. Everyone turned to watch. Jim blushed hard, and another Thought-Jim materialized and stood there with his bright red face buried in his hands.
“Er, vat ees going on, Keptin?” said Chekov.
“I touched a rock, Ensign,” Jim groaned, and yet another Thought-Jim reenacted the memory.
“Perhaps it would have been more prudent to avoid contact with unknown objects, Captain,” Spock said, and he was so goddamned pretty, and fuck, the Spock-kissing Thought-Jim was back at it again, trying to get to Spock. Six more Thought-Jims tackled him to the floor again.
“Perhaps you’re right,” Jim said, watching the fight. Dammit, why couldn’t he just have stayed in Bones’s office?? Stupid yellow alert. Stupid unidentified ship. Stupid stupid stupid.
“Captain,” started Sulu, pointing hesitantly at the viewscreen. “Look.”
A Thought-Jim was out by the ship, kicking its hull like a petulant child.
Every single Thought-Jim on the bridge flushed red. “Oh my stars,” Jim muttered.
“Captain!” Uhura exclaimed suddenly. “They’re hailing us!”
“Put them on the main viewer, Lieutenant,” he said, part of him grateful that he wouldn’t have to look at the still kicking Thought-Jim outside. A Thought-Jim somewhere on the bridge sighed in relief.
“Hey,” said an Andorian with long hair that was gathered into a bun and a dark blue shirt. “What is that thing on our hull? If it is an attempt at an attack, it is a poor one. No damage has been done to—” He paused, catching sight of the Thought-Jims who were still fighting on the floor. “What the heck is going on in there?”
“Um,” Jim said, trying his best to come off as captainly with seven versions of himself beating each other up right next to him, “I am Captain Kirk of the starship Enterprise.”
“That didn’t answer my question, Kirk,” said the alien.
“Unimportant,” Jim said, trying to play it off. “It does not concern you.”
“Well, the copy of you that’s kicking my ship right now sure does!” the Andorian yelled. “Stop it!”
“I’ll try, I guess,” he said, and closed his eyes, trying to clear his mind. He had to do this or else this ship might try to attack or something, and Jim did not want to have to deal with a battle right now.
He opened his eyes. All the bridge Thought-Jims were gone, replaced by one sitting in a corner biting his nails. “Did it work?” he said, tentatively.
“Yes,” said the Andorian. “Thanks. Oh, and I’ll send you my papers and permits. Bye.” And the communication cut out, leaving the crew to watch the ship rev up and warp away.
Jim glanced at Uhura. She nodded. “Papers are valid.”
“Good,” Jim said.
And then he heard a small gasp to his right. He looked up to see Spock looking shocked as a Thought-Jim kissed him on the lips.
“Shit!” Jim yelped, mortified, and several thought-Jims pulled the Spock-kisser away.
Spock looked at Jim, wide eyed. “Captain…”
“Can we talk about this later?” Jim said, hands on his face, peeking between his fingers.
“I believe that would be prudent,” said Spock, and the tips of his ears were green.
(The ability wore off eventually, and the Thought-Jims faded. And looking back, Jim was kinda glad they’d been there—he was too spineless to ever tell Spock with his words.
So, moral of the story: Do touch random glowy rocks. Sometimes it leads to getting to kiss Spock and Bones.)