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He is sitting at the dining table, a cup of steaming something in front of him. His posture is tense and slightly slouched with his leg bouncing so hard and so fast it could knock out the table.
You have been watching him since he sat down a few minutes ago. He has been in silence, lost in his thoughts. You hadn’t dared to say something, but you really couldn’t concentrate on your book anymore.
Not when you knew something was bothering him.
Quickly and quite loudly you closed your book and let it fall over the coffee table. You then stood up and walked to the dining table in silence. Your steps were heavy and loud until you sat down in the chair opposite his.
He gave you a look before you stared at him openly. He watched you watching him for a moment before he looked away, to get lost in his mind again.
The silence grew tense, unlike the ones you were used to with him.
You sighed, stretching your hands across the table, stopping right in front of him. He stared at them.
“Is better if you say it, Kyle”.
He stays silent, at least till he raises his gaze to you again.
His brown eyes were in pain. It was obvious and you didn’t say that because you knew him well.
You said it because he was an open book. Because when he was here, in these four walls with you, he didn’t hold onto anything.
This was home, this was a safe space, and you knew that he wanted to break.
“I’m exhausted”, he simply said.
He has been exhausted since before he arrived, you can tell by his eyes and gestures. He is usually a calm happy person. He is always smiling and grinning when he feels happy or when he is around a place, he knows he doesn’t have to hide anything.
He always smiles with you and jokes around. He usually can’t stay put in one place and always needs to start or finish something, and since he arrived, he has been all the contrary.
He has been like a zombie, slow, statical, quiet, sedentary.
He was introverted and usually shy around people, but you weren’t people and there was no one else in the flat except you, your books, your plants, and him.
You had a theory. The theory that something had happened in this last tour or deployment or whatever it is he calls it. The theory is that he had to make a fair share of difficult decisions or that he lost someone.
A comrade, a friend, a brother in arms.
It wouldn’t be the first time nor the last.
Your wedding bands sparkle in the silence.
“If you are exhausted, we can rest”.
He shakes his head in a no.
“I can’t sleep”.
You have noticed that too. He has been having more nightmares than normal. He has been running away from your room more than normal. Sometimes you followed him and cuddled him in the settee until he fell asleep, but others, you let him be, because he may need the space.
“You don’t need to sleep to rest”.
“You are right, the only rest I'll get is when I die”.
“I didn’t mean that, and you know it”, you say, rolling your eyes.
He smirks. He smirks for the first time since he arrived, and you smile.
Yes, progress.
“I meant that if you are exhausted, you should bear your worries and sorrows with me so I can do my best to solve them”.
His smirk is gone.
You sigh.
Progress is gone.
“You can’t bring the dead back”.
Sometimes you hate when you are right.
Slowly you reach for the hand that is nursing the cup between the two of you.
He curls his fingers around yours.
They are warm and familiar.
“True, but you can honor them. Live to their wishes. Be their legacy”.
He chuckles sadly.
“He was one of a kind. No one can live to his legacy”.
There is a brief silence.
“Did you visit him?”
“Yes, that’s why I came in my uniform”.
“Then what is still bothering you?”
“It happened so fast. I was deactivating the bomb and when I turned around, he was dead”.
You gulp.
He doesn’t usually talk about these things, but you know he needs to.
“It was so strange, for him to be gone. He was the sunshine of the team. He always told the worst jokes but always knew they would make us laugh, always knew when one of us wasn’t in top form, and always had encouraging words to make us feel better. When things went to shit, he had been the only one to look positive about it, not scared at all. Price told me he got shot and he still stood up and tried to stop the bloody bastard that finished him”.
He sighs then and slowly brushes your finger against his.
“I just think that things will feel weird when we all return, and he is not there”.
He looks at you again, and you meet his eyes.
“I’m sorry for your friend, Kyle, but if he was as you describe him, I think he wouldn’t want any of you to get stuck in the memories”.
He chuckles sadly.
“How can you be so sure, love?”
You shrug.
“Maybe because I have been married to a soldier for a long time and I kind of know how you all work at this rate”.
When he chuckles again is louder and cheerfully.
You smile.
“Remembering someone is an honorable thing to do, especially if they were great people, but hanging to that all the time can make you lose the way of the things that are still here”.
He stares at you intently.
“Can I guess right that the person who took him away is still on the loose?”
“He is, but not for long”.
“Then concentrate on that. Don’t lose your way. Use your memories of your fallen friend as a reason so others don’t fall anymore”.
He stares at you for a long moment in silence.
You hold his gaze, noticing how it slowly transforms into the lovely shade of brown you fell in love with.
He sighs heavily.
“I just remembered why I love you”.
You chuckle, smiling like a stupid schooler with a crush.
“You can take me out of dark places, love”, he moves his hands then, so he can hold yours properly over the table.
They look funny since they are a little bit bigger than yours.
“Thank you”.
“I care about you, I made a vow at our wedding”.
“And you always keep your promises, I get it”.
He then kisses each of your hands and you feel like an idiot again.
“I’ll keep mine too”.
“Would you like a hug now?”
“You know my answer to that”.
And you don’t waste a single second.
You stand up from the chair and round the table in record time. When you are beside him, you open your arms.
His head falls into your chest, your arms surround his neck and shoulders, while his arms surround the rest of you.
He inhales you in and you pretend you don’t notice.
“Thank you for always picking me up”.
“Always a pleasure to show you the light, Kyle”.
And he closes his eyes, and you close yours.
He doesn’t have more nightmares in the rest of his stay.