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“Fuck!” Sapnap shouts as he loses yet another game of Valorant. He’s not streaming right now, far too grumpy to bother going live today, so instead he’s playing video games on his own to blow off some steam. He deserves it, he thinks - he’s been keeping the fans entertained while this whole shitstorm takes place, helping keep everyone’s mind off of it, including his own.
Luckily he was already in L.A. when everything started going down, so he didn’t have to see the aftermath back at home. He got texts from his roommates though, as well as some other friends, and he did his best to reply so he didn’t seem avoidant. He tweeted about it, watched as Twitter crumbled and as they lost friends and followers and business. Overall, he’s kept his distance, especially since NRG has been keeping him busy. He knew not to get lost doom-scrolling on Twitter like he’s sure his roommates were doing, but despite his separation, it’s still been really hard.
His boyfriend, streaming, working out, and NRG have been his escapes, quite frankly. When he streams and plays games or watches videos, he’s not really thinking about what’s going on. When he’s working out and blasting music in his ears, he can’t think over the loudness of it. When he’s going to meetings and doing the tasks NRG gives him, he doesn’t have time to stop and think about Twitter. It’s nice to be able to have an escape. But the unnerving amount of anxiety is always there, slashing apart his insides and making him feel even more horrible and grumpy as each day passes by, and especially today for whatever reason. He wonders if maybe it’s because all of everything is catching up to him, but he pushes those thoughts away in favor of trying to win at least one fucking round of Valo.
Unfortunately, playing Valorant is only serving to make him more upset because he keeps losing and he fully believes it’s because of how fucking cold it is in the house, because Tony turns off the heat and blasts the AC instead. It’s hot outside, so Tony likes to keep the house nice and cool as a contrast to the warmth outdoors. Sapnap doesn’t like that at all though, not in the slightest, because his anxiety has him chilled to the bone constantly. His body is persistently in a state of feeling both ice-cold and fire-hot, occasionally making him feel like he might pass out, but overall it’s probably fine.
The best way to balance it out is having the heat on in the house, but clearly Tony doesn’t give a shit about how Sapnap’s feeling. Of course he doesn’t, why would he? None of the online shit affects him - he’s not a streamer or YouTuber, and he doesn’t know George like Sapnap does. He doesn’t care for him and Dream the way Sapnap does, he doesn’t understand how horrid and evil social media is the way Sapnap does. Tony doesn’t know what it feels like to lose friends and people he cares about over some dumb fucking mistake one of his best friends made, he doesn’t know what it’s like to watch the world turn against both of his best friends while he gets to run off to L.A. Tony doesn’t fucking understand the guilt that comes with that, doesn’t get how life-altering something like this is. None of it affects him, the only thing affecting him is the warmth of the house when the heater is on. Fucker can’t let have Sapnap just have one thing? Seriously? Why doesn’t Sapnap’s own fucking boyfriend realize how much he’s actually struggling right now?
Sapnap is snapped back to the game when he dies again, his Valo team facing yet another defeat. He slams his fist down on his desk angrily and stands upright, gaming chair quickly and loudly rolling back as he does. He grits his teeth and huffs out a heavy breath, fists clenched at his sides. Apparently he can’t escape everything forever the way he wishes he could.
He shudders as a harsh chill races down his spine, making his entire body feel piercingly cold. Part of him knows it’s because that ticking time bomb within him for when he needs to process his emotions is about to go off, but the majority of him decides that it’s because of how damn cold it is in here.
He grunts and turns to his door, storming out of his room to go search for his dumbass boyfriend who’s putting him through hell, as if he isn’t going through enough right now. Only for a moment does he think about how unfair it is to take it all out on Tony, but then he gets another chill and his anger is back full-force.
“Tony!” he yells, going straight to his boyfriend’s room. He’s not there, so he makes his way down the stairs and shouts his name again.
“Yeah?” his soft and ever-so-gentle voice calls from the kitchen. It sounds like he’s chopping something on a cutting board, probably making something for dinner, but Sapnap isn’t thinking about that as he turns the corner to the kitchen and comes face-to-face with the taller man.
“Can you stop turning down the fucking heat?! It’s Antarctica in here, seriously, what the actual fuck is wrong with you? Did you even think about what I might want? Did it cross your mind that I live here too?” Sapnap snaps, arms wrapped around himself like he’s trying to stay warm - in reality he’s trying to hold himself together physically, as if that’d help keep his emotions in check. Clearly, he’s failing miserably.
Tony puts down the kitchen knife and blinks at him silently, that sweet face and his kind eyes staring right back at the other. Hurt flashes on his face momentarily before it’s replaced with nothing but patience, and suddenly the regret of his words starts to eat away at Sapnap from the inside out. The stress of everything has gotten to him, and now he’s snapped at the only person he has here. He lets his arms fall to his sides and frowns, glancing at the ground guiltily for a moment before looking back up into his boyfriend’s big brown eyes.
“Sorry,” he whispers, voice nearly breaking. He’s been holding it all in for too long, and he can only handle so much before his internal, emotional dam breaks, flooding his body with every pent up feeling while the waterfall of tears follows.
Tony seems to notice, because of course he does. He’s so attentive to everything Sapnap; he’s known him for years and because of that, he knows Sapnap like the back of his hand. That’s probably why he had stayed quiet while the shorter man had shouted at him. He knows Sapnap is struggling right now and didn’t want to feed into it, especially because he picked up on the fact that his boyfriend is finally breaking. Now Sapnap just feels worse for thinking so awfully about him.
“Come here,” Tony says softly, opening his arms in invitation. Sapnap remains still for only a moment before throwing himself into the taller man’s arms, hugging tight while he keeps trying not to cry. His entire body is shaking like a leaf, heart pounding in his chest while his head throbs in a similar fashion. Both are painful, it’s just that one is physical and the other is emotional.
Sapnap takes a deep, shaky breath, hoping it keeps his tears from falling and calms him down. All it does is make him want to cry more. He feels nauseous too, dizzy and nervous. Every bad feeling, physical or not, is hitting him like a freight train right now. But he can’t cry. He just can’t. It’s not right or fair for him to cry. He can’t be this upset over everything, especially when none of it really involves him. Yet it’s affected him far more than anyone knows. Well, other than Tony.
Oh, sure, George is his best friend so of course people can put two and two together and guess that behind the scenes this is a little hard for him too. They can probably guess that he is, in fact, using streaming as a distraction; he’s sure that much was obvious. But he’s not sure how many people understand just how world-shattering this all is for him. He’s not sure anybody can really comprehend the fact that what’s going on right now isn’t just life-changing for George and Dream and the viewers, but it’s completely life-changing for him too.
His heart squeezes painfully in his chest the more he thinks about it, so he really, really tries not to. But then Tony kisses his head, rubs his back, takes in a deep breath and whispers; “Let it all out. You have to let it all out now, I’ve got you.”
That’s all it takes for the dam to break, for Sapnap to full-force sob. His hands grip the back of Tony’s shirt so tightly he momentarily wonders if it’ll rip, and with each loud cry into his chest, a new pain hits the back of his throat that he knows he’ll feel much more in the morning. His tears soak the shirt that Tony adorns, and the raw emotional vulnerability that he’s showing makes his knees feel weak. His brain is both silent and overwhelmingly loud at the same time, and it’s all so much. Too much. He feels completely and utterly sick.
Tony must notice before Sapnap does, because by the time he comes to the conclusion himself Tony is already gently setting him down on the ground next to the toilet. Sapnap’s head spins violently, making every sensation in his body that much harder to control, and Tony quickly catches on. He lifts the toilet seat up and everything crashes into Sapnap at once, painfully so. Before he can really process any of it, he folds over the toilet and vomits into it. The bile burns his throat as it comes up and paints his mouth with an absolutely horrendous taste that just makes him feel even worse.
It feels like forever passes him by as he continues gagging and heaving into the porcelain bowl, throwing up a couple more times while his body goes numb, unable to feel anything besides the warm hand rubbing soothingly up and down his spine. His ears ring agonizingly loudly, making it almost impossible to hear the soft, comforting words Tony whispers to him. He appreciates it nonetheless. In increments, Sapnap calms down and comes back to himself, but even when he feels okay he lets his head hover over the toilet for a little while longer just to be safe. Nerves continue to tickle his insides, but with each second that passes it becomes more and more bearable. Slowly, he lifts his head back up, turning it slightly just to be met with Tony’s other hand offering him a few tissues to wipe his mouth and nose. Gratefully, Sapnap accepts with a shaky hand and wipes his face before tossing the used Kleenex into the toilet bowl and flushing.
Sapnap’s eyes ache, just like the rest of his body, yet despite his physical exhaustion, his mind is still wide awake and active. He hasn’t been sleeping, and he knows Tony knows that too, which makes him feel guilty all over again because he knows his boyfriend is worried. Of course Tony isn’t doing anything to make him feel worse, it was ridiculous of him to think that way. Tony has been worried sick about him.
Sapnap shuts his stinging eyes tightly, and even though he’s finished being sick, he sits with his head on his forearm and just breathes. Tony sits with him, his gentle hands lightly massaging the knots in Sapnap’s shoulders, always so patient. Despite everything, it manages to put a small smile on Sapnap’s face because how the hell did he get so lucky?
His eyes water again when he thinks about the way he snapped at his boyfriend, and the way Tony just took it and decided to be kind instead of fight back. Sapnap wasn’t fair to him at all. He needs to apologize once he isn’t so out of it.
Sapnap is unsure of how much time passes before he’s able to sit up again, but the very second he does, Tony is wrapping an arm around his waist and pulling him close. He’s endlessly gentle, but not in a way that suggests he thinks Sapnap is breakable; it feels more like he thinks Sapnap’s something prized. Sapnap turns his body to face Tony, pushing his head into his large chest as he takes in the comfort he’s being offered. Both of their eyes drift closed as they take in the moment, holding one another in silence while they try to calm down.
Another long while later, Sapnap pulls his head off Tony’s chest and looks him in the eyes. “I’m really sorry for yelling at you.”
He cringes internally at how scratchy his voice sounds, sniffling quietly at blinking away the fresh tears that wet his eyes. Tony just gives him a comforting smile and cups both of his cheeks.
“I forgive you. Please don’t feel guilty about it anymore, okay? Let me forgive you. We all have our moments,” Tony whispers, very softly rubbing his thumbs under Sapnap’s eyes as the tears roll down his cheeks. Sapnap sniffles again before closing his eyes, pushing his head into one of his boyfriend’s hands. Despite everything, he feels so incredibly grateful.
“Thank you,” Sapnap whispers back, opening his eyes again after a moment and meeting Tony’s gaze. They stare at each other in silence, taking a moment to calm down and take everything in. Eventually, Tony stands, offering a hand to Sapnap so he can help him up too. Sapnap gladly accepts with a loving smile on his face.
“Come on, you’re gonna help me make dinner, and we’re gonna watch a movie while we eat together. And we’re gonna go to sleep at a decent time.” Tony tacks on the last part like an afterthought, a small, playful smile tugging at his lips. He squeezes Sapnap’s hand before guiding him out of the bathroom and then toward the kitchen.
As the night carries on, Sapnap feels lighter and lighter, mind focussing on how grateful he is to have Tony to keep him from getting stuck in the negative like he has been for the last little while. With each moment that passes, he’s eased into a sense of security - one that he hasn’t felt since before everything went to shit. The two men make their dinner together, joking around and laughing, and when they’re done they sit on the sofa and watch a movie of Sapnap’s choice.
It’s peaceful, Sapnap thinks, as he presses his head into Tony’s chest and listens to his heartbeat. After everything, he’s finally feeling the weight of everything get lifted off of his shoulders. Of course he knows that once he and Tony return to Florida, those feelings of unease will return, but he’s tired of worrying about the future. He doesn’t want the present to pass him by, not right now, not when things feel so good.
Or at least, they feel good for Sapnap. But what about Tony? How is he doing? Once more, Sapnal feels guilty for not considering Tony’s feelings. He pulls his head back enough to look him in his breath-taking brown eyes and softly, he says; “I’m genuinely really sorry about earlier.”
Tony smiles, giving his hip a gentle squeeze, “I already forgave you, silly.”
“I know,” Sapnap starts, “but I’ve been selfish. I haven’t considered your feelings in all of this. I’ve been disregarding them just because you’re not a streamer and because you don’t know George the way I do.”
The taller man seems unfazed, still just smiling so patiently, so unbelievably kindly. Before responding, he leans in and kisses Sapnap, which admittedly does ease the slight worried crease between his eyebrows. Sapnap kisses back, eyes drifting close for only a moment before they’re pulling apart again.
“I’m okay, I promise. Obviously all of this is rough - I see how much it’s affecting you - but you don’t have to worry about me. I just want to be here for you, darlin’.”
Sapnap tilts his head up and the two share another kiss, making Sapnap’s body light up with all sorts of feelings; all of which are good. That happens every time they touch or kiss or even just make eye contact. It’s truly incredible to him.
“I love you, Tony,” he whispers, eyes half-closed while their lips hover over one another.
Tony grins, holding his boyfriend tighter and giving his waist a little squeeze before returning the sentiment. “I love you too, Nick.”