Chapter Text
This was supposed to be the season Impulse proved himself.
The season he showed everyone he was worth being on a team with. The season he showed everyone he could take care of them and keep them safe no matter what. The season he proved he was worth half the love he was willing to provide.
And when he found out he’d have a soulmate whose life was tied to his, the pressure he was putting on himself increased tenfold. Now some poor soul was stuck with him and his failures. He had to prove himself now.
And a few sessions in, he was actually doing it!
He and Bdubs were still green and happy and sweet. The perfect couple.
Too sweet to be real though.
Everything they did together felt plastic and sickly sweet. The kind of saccharine sweet love that only exists in cheesy romcoms, soft and pretty and all too perfect. Eventually the candy coating would melt and be replaced by the bitter and hard to swallow taste of rejection and disappointment, it always did.
It didn’t matter that Bdubs looked at him as if he hung the stars or took every chance to brag about how strong and amazing and perfect his husband soulmate was, it was just part of the song and dance. It was all a facade, a trap waiting to spring. And he knew even someone like Bdubs could only keep it up for so long; no matter how much he wanted it to be real.
No matter how much he wanted the soft kisses, and the hugs, and the late nights cuddling, and the soft chasing away of nightmares, and the all encompassing feeling of love to last, everyone knew the other foot had to drop.
But it was hard to remember that Bdubs didn’t actually care about him, that it was all a clever rose to make themselves seem stronger than the other pairs. That’s all it was. An act, them playing an elaborate game of make believe in their pretty little plastic house. He had to remember that, otherwise the inevitable would hurt so much more than necessary.
But it was so easy to forget. It was so easy to be lulled into a false sense of security. To fall into that cotton candy cloud of ‘love’ and let his guard down. To let himself think even for a second that any of it was real. To forget they were in a killing game and that death had no remedy. Let himself pretend it would all be fine as long as he had Bdubs with him.
And that’s what did him in. He was stupid, and foolish, not paying attention and walked straight into the ravine. What’s worse? He died trying to get a music disc. Not defending Bdubs. Not fleeing from mobs. Not even trying to avoid a red life. Just trying to get a stupid music disc. A luxury, something you get on your homeworld to make a house feel like a home. Something nice and soft, far too soft for a place like this. Just like him.
Not that he has much time to dwell on what a colossal fuck up that was, or how much Bdubs must hate him now, or the fact that they should’ve done what Martyn and Cleo or Pearl and Scott did and lived separately. He had a pool party to plan.
God the pool party…
Impulse knew it was a bad idea the second Bdubs suggested it, but he looked so excited Impulse couldn’t say no, he thought it’d be silly to get into an argument over something so small. He thought it’d be stupid of him to tempt fate, to see how far Bdubs’ synthetic care and understanding went. So he played along.
He let them walk blindly into their demise.
He got so caught up in Bdubs’ seemingly infinite and contagious excitement and the sweet sticky feeling of comfort and safety he let his guard down.
He let his guard fall in favor of being the ideal “husband”. So instead of filling his hot bar with weapons and potions, he filled it with beef to cook; instead of refining their defenses, he built a grill and used his precious diamonds to make another jukebox instead of making diamond armor. Took off his enchanted chestplate in favor of the ‘kiss the cook’ apron Bdubs made him. He stopped being on edge and hyper aware for just a few moments. And ‘just a few moments’ was all it took for everything to go to shit and for them to lose it all.
He should’ve noticed Ren and BigB when they first showed up. He should’ve noticed the bubbles coming out of the pool. He should’ve noticed the knife sharp tone in Ren’s voice. He should’ve noticed the faint sound of groaning coming from somewhere below. He should’ve told Bdubs to get on his horse and run. He should’ve fought back. He should’ve defended their home. He should’ve prevented the entire thing from happening in the first place. He should’ve done a lot of things.
Instead he froze and watched as Bdubs was slain in front of him. Useless, only able to watch as Ren plunged his sword into Bdubs’ chest. Only able to watch as the blinding pain overtook him as his hearts fell. Paralyzed and helpless as his perfect life fell apart in front of him. Only able to stand there as emptiness and darkness overtook the panic in his heart.
The first thing Impulse felt after respawning was Bdubs’ burning rage. It was all consuming and dangerous. It was sharp as glass and hotter than the sun. It pierced the depths of his soul and burnt the entire way through. He knew what it felt and sounded like well.
The next thing he felt was guilt. It felt like being crushed under a thousand anvils. Like digging straight up into a pocket of sand. Being hit by blindness before the Warden got you. It was inescapable. And all this was his fault. He was the reason Bdubs felt like that, and it terrified him. There were a thousand things he could’ve and should’ve done better, things he thought about doing, and that made him sick.
He knew Bdubs probably wouldn’t physically take it out on him, if only for the fact that they shared hearts; but that wouldn’t spare him from the screaming match bound to come. Wouldn’t spare him from the rejection, the disappointment, or the fear. If anything, that would be a worse fate than death.
Knowing he’d have to face Bdubs flooded his veins with adrenaline, his body still feeling the phantom pains of their death. Arms still feeling the dripping blood that wasn’t his. Ears still ringing with Ren’s cold laugh and Bdubs’ panicked screams. Made him wild with fear and panic. Running through his mind and body like a stallion angry and untameable. Thoughts too fast to understand beyond the constant chant of “DANGER”. Lungs refusing to work as he desperately tried to pull in air. Stomach turning. He wanted to run. It wouldn’t spare him from the suffocating loneliness and heartbreak. It wouldn’t spare him the knowledge that he failed Bdubs, that he failed again, that he really was useless dead weight. But it would spare the little part of his heart that still had hope.
“EVERYBODY OUT NOW!”
That voice in that tone dragged him back to reality quickly and brutally.
He couldn’t breathe.
He couldn’t think.
He had to run.
He had to get away.
He had to get to safety.
Somewhere.
Anywhere.
So he ran.
He ran out of their shared bedroom and down the hall; to that little, cramped, panic room in the hall. Away from the yelling and the commotion. He ran as far as his unstable legs could carry him, which evidently wasn’t all that far, but that didn’t matter. He had to get away. He had to hide.
He couldn’t face Bdubs. He couldn’t bear to see the burning hatred and disappointment in his partner’s eyes. Couldn’t bear to hear the vitriol in his voice, especially directed at him. Couldn’t bear to see Bdubs come to the realization that he would’ve been so much better off with Etho or Cleo or BigB or Scar or anyone but Impulse. That they would’ve been better off doing it like Scott and Pearl. Couldn’t bear seeing Bdubs leave him. Couldn’t bear the consequences of his own actions.
God. He felt like he was choking. He couldn't breathe. His lungs hurt. His vision was hazy and tunneling. Everything was falling apart and it was all his fault. His whole body was shaking. Burning hot tears were running down his face. He couldn’t do it. First he couldn’t protect Bdubs and now he couldn’t even look him in the eye. Hiding like a child in a space barely made to fit him.
He felt like a failure. He was a failure. He was too selfish, too needy, too foolish, too soft, and far too undeserving of even an ounce of the sweet gentle understanding love Bdubs gave him in spades. Too much. That's what he was. That's what he always was. That’s what he’d always be. He didn’t know why he let himself think this time would be any different. Things like this are never different, especially not in a world like this.