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The doorbell rang promptly at 7:05 PM, and Christopher flung open the door bouncing on the balls of his feet.
Maud Becker was standing on the doorstep, carrying a Tupperware container of cookies.
“Hi,” Maud said shyly. “Umm…I thought we could decorate these later - I brought frosting and stuff.”
Chris lit up like a Christmas tree. “That is so sweet of you!! Oh my gosh!” He accepted the container and threw an arm around Maud. “Come on in, we’re so glad you’re here!”
“You’re so nice,” Maud said. “I think we might have met briefly…I think it was Tony and Olivia that Todd and I talked with a little bit more when we visited the campus. Chris, right?”
“Yeah! You were guest lecturers in one of their classes! We met for a minute but you saw a lot of people that day. Come see Olivia!” He dragged her into the living room where an anxious-looking redhead was arranging a plate of cannolis. “Liv, you remember Maud?”
Maud smiled warmly at Olivia.
“Hi Olivia,” Maud said cheerfully.
Olivia blinked twice and then attempted a friendly smile that looked more like a pained grimace. She stuck her hand out stiffly. “Mrs. Becker, welcome to our home. Can I get you anything to drink?”
Chris turned to Maud excitedly. “I’m in charge of cocktails! Do you know what you want, or do you want me to make you a surprise holiday drink?”
“Oh, I love surprises! I normally stick to just an ordinary wine - so whatever you think would be best I’m sure I’ll love,” Maud smiled.
There was an assertive knock at the door. Olivia excused herself to answer it and found herself face-to-face with what she would swear later was an angel. Her mouth dried up completely. “I…hello. You are…Nadia?”
“That’s me.” Nadia waved, trying not to show any awkwardness; fake it till you make it, etcetera etcetera. She willed herself to pull it together- it’s not like she was showing up at a total stranger’s place. She had seen pictures on Tony’s social media of his partners, and the face of the person who opened the door was familiar. “And you must be Olivia?” Nadia held out her hand in greeting.
Olivia stared at her hand for a moment as if expecting something to appear from it, then snapped out of whatever had possessed her and grabbed Nadia’s hand. They stood there awkwardly for a moment -Olivia purportedly having forgotten you’re supposed to shake hands, not just hold them - when they both heard a squeal from behind Olivia.
“ Nadia !!! We have heard so much about you!” Christopher flew past Olivia, throwing his arms around Nadia. “Tony says you’re notorious for telling off Dr. PaDelle, is it true?? Come in come in, you’re just in time for Christmas cocktails!”
“Kind of?” she responded, “Okay, yes, but it only happened once. Okay, so maybe it was twice or-” she cut herself off before she added the bit about the fact that getting her ass roasted thrice in a single day did sort of put her off the habit of provoking that particular professor. “Christmas cocktails sound amazing right about now!”
Beaming at her, Chris took her arm and led her to the living room. “Legendary. Absolutely iconic. What can I get you? Do you have a preference or do you want dealer’s choice?” Olivia trailed in after them, looking dazed.
“What class did you take with her? I had Brat Physics: Destabilizing your Top. And dealer’s choice is good for me, I’m not picky.” She was choosing to ignore the voice of Gabrielle in her head; her top had explicitly mentioned responsible drinking right before Nadia had left.
“I took one of her Junior OTK classes! That’s how Tony and I met, actually. The freshman tops came in for a tutorial one day and we got paired up. Man’s got a hand like a bullet train.” He sighed. “It was love at first spank.” His hands flew, pouring several different unlabeled bottles of things into a tumbler before throwing some ice in and shaking it up. “How did you and Gabrielle meet?”
“Incidentally, we were also paired up for school. Though it was our sophomore year, we were semester partners who ended up pairing off for real.” She smiled, a somewhat dreamy expression on her face.
“ So romantic! Looks like Dr. PaDelle is a bit of a matchmaker.” He poured the concoction from the tumbler into four separate glasses. “I give you…the Berry Merry Mixer! Maud, how did you and Todd get together?” He looked over their shoulders to where Olivia was standing several feet away, looking lost. “…Sweetie? You wanna join us?”
“Thanks,” Nadia said with a smile, taking a glass and going for a tentative sip. Apparently deciding it was good, she took a much larger sip, then another, and soon the tension in her body became less and less noticeable.
“Todd and I met in college…but not a college like RBU. It was just a regular old English class - Shakespeare, although I got a husband and a librarian job out of it,” Maud said, taking a sip of her drink. “Oh, this is very good.”
As they were talking, Olivia finally approached the table, grabbing a glass. She turned to Nadia when the conversation paused. “I’m…Olivia.”
Christopher interjected. “Anyone want a cannoli?? Mamma and Olivia made them.”
“I’ll have a cannoli a bit later,” Nadia drained the rest of her drink, “I want to get the buzz going first.” After a beat, she hastened to add at the end, “But they look delicious!”
Olivia blushed, downing her drink in one gulp.
“Oh, I would love one! Ah, Italy…Todd and I have always wanted to go to Venice and were starting to plan the trip when I found out I was…” Maud blushed a little, though she wasn’t sure why.
Chris brightened, realization in his eyes. “Oh yeah, Ruby! That’s your baby, right? I’m dying to see pictures!”
Maud smiled and took out her phone.
“I’m so happy you remember her name - I think I only mentioned her once in the chat. These are from a trip we recently took to the local park. She just turned a year old.” Chris squealed over the pictures.
“What a cutie!!”
“Thank you,” Maud was grinning ear to ear. “She’s very mobile now but we can do so much more with her than we could when she was a baby.”
“Chris darling, can you make more of this?” Olivia seemed like she was still trying to find her bearings.
“Sure, sweetie. Nadia? More of the same, or do you want to try something else? Maud, do you want a top off before I empty this out and start over?”
“Oh this cannoli is just delicious…that would be great, thank you, Chris,” Maud said.
“Yes please, whatever’s easiest for you. I’m not picky!” Nadia responded.
“Well, if you’re game, I make a killer spiked eggnog. we call it Elf-nog.” He winked. “And then how about we play ‘Never have I ever’?”
“Oh! I haven’t played that since high school. I hadn’t done anything back then…but now?” Maud smirked.
“I’d love an Elf-nog. Also, I love that game,” Nadia grinned, “I’ve never played with this sort of company before. With our sort of, uh… shared interests?”
“Oh you all like gardening too?” Maud smirked. “You know, when the hose gets all knotted up and it’s got all those…kinks in it?”
Chris laughed. “Oh, we adore gardening! Gotta be careful sitting out there too long, though, or my bottom gets real sore.” He winked at Olivia, who shook her head and rolled her eyes.
Maud giggled. “My husband just got me some brand spanking new gardening tools. And yes, I know the feeling. Sit too long in the garden and I won’t sit anywhere else for a while.”
Nadia kept opening and closing her mouth as if to respond, but no words were actively happening until she finally squeaked out, “I think I might die playing this game. Or, at the very least, more alcohol is necessary for my continued survival.”
“Got you covered, girlypop.” Chris beamed, pouring Elf-nog into a frosted glass.
“Oh…um…is it alright if I use your bathroom?” Maud asked.
“Of course, sweetie! It’s down the hall to your right. Oh, Liv, I’m out of rum here, can you grab some from the kitchen? Nadia, you can do the first ‘never have I ever’!”
Maud finished up in the bathroom and as she was making her way back to the group, she noticed a cute little Taylor Swift bobblehead on an end table. Out of curiosity, she picked it up.
Olivia walked out of the kitchen into the hallway, holding a bottle of rum. She froze in place, her voice coming out positively arctic. “What the fuck are you doing?”
Maud’s stomach dropped.
“I’m…sorry…I j…just saw…” Maud stammered awkwardly, eyes blurring with tears. Really? She was going to cry here? She didn’t want to, but she was so embarrassed and caught off guard by Olivia’s reaction.
“Oh? Do you make a habit of going to other people’s houses and getting your fingerprints all over their prized possessions?” Olivia’s tone dropped to a near whisper, lethal as a gunshot.
Maud opened her mouth to speak, but ended up letting out a sob instead.
Chris strolled into the hallway. “Oh, Maudrey, you found Taylor! I’ve got to tell you the story - what’s wrong?? Are you crying??” He pivoted toward Olivia, alarmed. “Liv, what did you do?”
“I’m s…so…so…sorry,” Maud said, struggling to catch her breath. “I didn’t mean to uh…uh…upset…her,” Maud swallowed.
Chris’s eyes welled up. “Oh, sweetheart…” he flung his arms around her. “Come back to the living room with me. I think Olivia just needs a minute. Here, bring Taylor with you and I can tell you all about how we got her.”
Without making eye contact with Olivia, Maud scooped up Taylor and gratefully followed Chris back to the living room.
Nadia looked at the folks coming back into the room, noticing that not everyone who had left returned, and did a near double-take when she saw Maud’s eyes. “Are you okay?” she asked, jumping up. “Do you need anything?”
Chris looked between the two of them. “That was totally my bad, Olivia gets weird about our stuff sometimes and I didn’t talk to her beforehand about the bobblehead. You didn’t do anything wrong Maud, okay? This isn’t on you. I’m so sorry, sweetie.” He sat her down on the couch, passing her drink to her. “So, Tony got Taylor for me for my 22nd birthday. It’s a pretty fun story. I didn’t know he was trying to get it for me and we got into an anonymous bidding war on eBay. We both had some explaining to do when I opened it.”
Maud took a sip and seemed to relax.
“Thank you…both of you. I’m not naive by any means - I don’t expect to be friends with everyone…I just thought since we’re all, you know…gardeners…and we like working at the bottom of the garden, I’d hit it off with everyone to some degree. But, I guess not. At least I seem to mesh pretty well with the two of you,” Maud smiled. “And I love that he got that for you - what a fun gift. I just love eBay. Oh…my in-laws have Ruby - my mother-in-law has cousins here in Texas and they have Ruby at their house. Here she is playing with the dog,” Maud held up the phone to show Chris and Nadia.
Nadia leaned closer to the phone, looking at the picture. “Oh, that’s precious,” she said, then grinned. “You know she’s going to come back asking for a dog, right?”
Maud laughed.
“I think she’s already at that point. Her first word…besides Dada…of course,” Maud rolled her eyes but chuckled. “Was pup - she just said it recently while we were on a walk and we saw one. Of course, every animal is a ‘pup’ including squirrels and cats. She seems to be an animal girl, but with dogs especially.”
“That is absolutely adorable,” Nadia said emphatically, catching a glimpse of Olivia in the kitchen. She didn’t want to draw attention to it, lest she be stopped, so she simply excused herself with an “I’ll be back” before heading towards the kitchen and hoping no one looked twice.
“So,” she said, leaning against a wall in the doorway, and waited for Olivia to turn around.
Olivia crossed her arms from behind the counter, readying herself for battle. “Can I help you?”
“What was that about?” Nadia asked; the slight buzz she had going was helping to embolden her as she continued, “you made Maud cry?”
Olivia stammered. “ She was the one touching our things! I don’t-”
“Don’t what?” Nadia said, channeling her inner top with a calm, casual voice and raised eyebrow. Or as close as she could come to a raised eyebrow, at any rate.
“I don’t see how I’m the problem for setting a boundary in my family’s home.”
“You can set boundaries without making people cry. Try again.”
Olivia sniffed, attempting to shield the flush of embarrassment creeping up her neck with an affronted expression. “I can’t help it if some people are over-sensitive.”
“I can’t help but think you’re included in the over-sensitive category too,” Nadia pointed out. “Not that there’s anything wrong with that,” she quickly added, “because Maud is probably a little over-sensitive but also a fucking delight. What’s your excuse?”
If Nadia was any judge, Olivia seemed slightly less sure of herself. “I’m…British.”
Nadia couldn’t help but snort at that, “Good try.”
“Well then, Nadia, if you’re so sure you’ve got the answers, why don’t you tell me what the problem is here?” Olivia shot back.
“It’s my fucking pleasure,” Nadia said icily, “I think that you’re so defensive because you’re insecure. I don’t know about what, you’d know better than me, but you’re insecure and you’re pissed about it. You’re oversensitive and it makes you want to rage, because you see it as some sort of weakness- which it’s not, by the way- and you turn all that anger at parts of yourself outward and hope people are smart enough to not come near the explosion. How’s that working out for you, kid?” she asked dryly.
Olivia’s mouth opened and closed a few times. She blinked, wide-eyed, and it may have been a trick of the light, but Nadia would later confide to Gabrielle that she thought she saw the girl’s pupils dilating. “I…”
Just then, Chris popped his head in from the living room. “Hey ladies, want to join us? I think Maud is about to win ‘Never have I ever’.”
“Oh shit,” Nadia said, “we should go get drunk. Think about what I said later; for now, let’s party?”
Olivia blinked several times. “Party. Drunk.”
Chris walked over, sliding an arm around Olivia’s waist. “I think maybe you’ve already had too much, Livvy-Lou. Nadia, will you let Maud know we’ll be right out?” A few moments later, he lowered his voice. “You okay, babe?”
Olivia stared at the empty doorway that led to the living room. “I…I think I just came a bit, darling.”
Nadia headed back to the living room, looking around for another drink. “Chris said to let you know he and Olivia will be out soon. How are you doing?” she couldn’t help but ask, since Maud had looked rough when Nadia excused herself to the kitchen earlier.
“Much better, thank you. The games and the drinks and having people gush over my baby definitely helped. Thank you for asking,” Maud took a swig of her drink and smiled.
Chris skipped into the living room with Olivia in tow. “Okay Maudrey Hepburn, you were saying ‘Never have I ever’….?”
“Never have I ever…had a run-in with the police,” Maud said. She was totally pulling these out of her ass - it had been nearly ten years since she’d last played.
“Define ‘run-in?’” Nadia asked, then shook her head, “nevermind, I’ll drink anyways. This eggnog is fantastic, Chris.”
“Aw, thanks, babe! So glad you like it! And don’t think you’re going to get away with not telling us that story.” Chris tucked his legs under himself on the couch. “Never have I ever…” he shot a side-eye and a wicked grin in Olivia’s direction. “Been spanked in an airplane bathroom.”
Olivia gasped, swatting his arm. “You bloody cheater!” She downed the rest of her drink and put a finger down. “I’ll get you back for that.”
Chris didn’t look sorry at all. “Your turn, Nadia!”
“Okay,” Nadia said, looking around at the people in the room and trying to figure out what she could say that wasn’t something mundane and boring like breaking a bone. “Never have I ever… studied anywhere outside of America.” Okay, so it wasn’t a cool and kinky one, but she had taken enough time deliberating.
Olivia snorted, swiping Chris’ drink from his hand and taking a swig. “Trust me, you’re not missing much.” She looked at her hand. “I’m down to three. Never have I ever….” She trailed off. “ Successfully tp’ed a room.”
Chris laughed, putting his last finger down and stealing his drink back. “Okay, cheater.”
Olivia got a wicked glint in her eye. “In that vein, how would you all feel about pulling some pranks tonight?”
Maud’s eyes widened.
“What kind of…pranks?” Maud asked. She had never been much of a prankster - she enjoyed trolling Todd (she was a brat after all) but she had a feeling all of that would pale in comparison to whatever pranks Olivia would conjure up.
Blushing for a moment and looking very guilty, Olivia avoided eye contact with Maud. “Tony left his car here.”
Christopher’s mouth dropped open with a considerable amount of enthusiasm as he looked around at the girls. “Are you thinking what I’m thinking?”
“You want to do something to his car?” Maud nearly whispered. “Like…what?” Maud had never done anything to Todd’s car save for writing naughty messages in the frost on his car windows. Somehow she didn’t think that’s what Olivia and Chris had in mind.
“Whatever it is, I’m in.” Nadia wasn’t sure what kind of pranks Olivia was alluding to, but she had lost her sense of self-preservation at some point halfway through her Elf-nog.
Chris and Olivia nodded at each other, then Chris hooked his arm through Maud’s while Olivia grabbed Nadia’s hand. “Ladies, we’re going for a little drive,” Chris declared. They dragged their guests out the door and piled into Tony’s soon-to-be-borrowed car.
“Where are you taking us, Christmas Tree?” Maud asked Chris. Then, she blushed.
“Uh…is it okay if I call you that?” Maud asked.
Chris threw his head back laughing. “Maudrey, I love it! It’s perfect.”
“Yeah, where are we going?” Nadia asked too.
“Well, Tony gave us the address to their Airbnb,” Christopher started, looking in the rearview mirror at Olivia, who continued.
“And we need to stop at the store on the way over, but what I have in mind involves shaving cream, soap, and toilet paper.”
“And more alcohol,” Chris declared.
Olivia shook her head. “If you insist, darling.” She glanced over at Nadia and grinned, suddenly looking very shy.
“I’m with Chris,” Nadia said, “my sense of self-preservation feels like it’s coming back, and we can’t have that.”
“I’m willing to go wherever you all want to go. I’ve never been here before and am just excited to be spending time with other brats,” Maud said. She was a meticulous planner, but also liked to play things by ear, too (sometimes).
A couple of hours later, the brats were stumbling back into the living room (except for Chris, who was still sober enough to drive, if not for long).
“Wow,” Maud slurred. “I’ve neverrr…done anything like that in my life. What a rush! I hope Hot Toddy doesn’t find out about this. Otherwise…I’m sc…screwed.”
“Alright ladies, time for some truth or dare. Liv, can you get the music?” Chris took the bottles of holiday-themed liquor out of the bags with a flourish, placing the large (stolen) cardboard cutout of his new friend ‘Jeff’ next to the Christmas tree.
Olivia grabbed a remote and pointed it at the television, opening Spotify. When the first song started, Chris laughed and shimmied over to Olivia.
“ In my heart is a Christmas tree farm where the people would come ,”
“ And dance under sparkling lights !” Olivia joined in, grabbing Nadia’s hand and spinning her around as Chris twirled Maud.
“Who wants a gingerbread martini?” Chris danced Maud over to the drink table while Olivia continued to spin Nadia in circles. “I think I’ll make some peppermint bark shots, too. Ooh! And mistletoe margaritas! Any requests?”
“Surprise me, Christmas Tree!” Maud slurred in a sing-songy voice. “Also, I got…I got these at the store - I paid for them, don’t worryyyy,” Maud held up some glittery Christmas tattoos. “Who wants to put on a…on a…brattoo with Maudum the Bottom?” Christopher cackled.
“Brattoos! And Maudum the Bottom!! Oh my gawd , I love you!”
“I want a brattoo, please! And shots,” Olivia shouted over the music. “ And you would be there toooooooooo!”
“I think I’m getting dizzy,” Nadia laughed. “I’m in for a brattoo though,” she couldn’t help grinning at the name. It was clever, she was drunk; it was a very good night.
Maud went around and offered everybody a choice from the selection of trees, wreaths, snowmen, reindeer, Santas, and penguins.
“There was only one gingerbread man and I chose it already,” Maud giggled.
“Oooh! Santa for me! I’m gonna put him somewhere Tony can find him.” Chris winked. “ Under the mistletooooeee!” He sang loudly and off-key across the room at Olivia, who responded with the next line on pitch.
“ Watching the fire glow! ” Then they both threw their heads back, practically yelling the next line before dissolving into giggles.
“ And telling me, ‘I love yoooooooouuu!”
Olivia beamed at Nadia. “You’re a great dancer. Have you done this a lot?”
“Hardly,” Nadia snorted as she chose a penguin brattoo. “I’m not a great dancer, I think we’re just too plastered to notice.” She grabbed another shot and grinned, “gotta keep the party going. It’s not every day I have permission to stay up past bedtime.”
“Kick us off, Livvy Lou!” Chris handed Maud a peppermint bark shot and threw one back himself.
Olivia looked like the epitome of Trouble as she grabbed a shot and smiled shyly in Nadia’s direction. “Truth or dare, Nadia?”
“I have never once seen this game end well,” she swallowed her drink. “Leggo. I feel like a pansy, but truth.”
Olivia seemed almost disappointed, but recovered quickly. “Alright. What’s your story about the run-in with the police?”
Chris gasped. “ Yes, Nods! You’ve got to tell us! Ooh! Maudrey! Your name almost rhymes with Nadia’s! We could call you Maudrey and Naudrey! Or Maud and Naud! Or…naughty Nadia and Mischievous Maud!” It was hard to believe this was Chris sober.
“It’s really not that exciting,” Nadia couldn’t help but giggle, a sound that she never made sober. “I was at a protest for women’s rights, it may or may not have directly been outside someone’s house, and that someone may or may not have called the police. I was in high school and no charges were pressed or anything, but it was… a thrill.”
Olivia leaned in, wide eyed. “That’s incredible. Women’s rights, and in high school. You’re so brave.” Chris and Maud stared as Olivia’s face hovered inches away from Nadia’s.
“Are you okay?” Nadia asked Olivia. She briefly looked towards Chris to see if he knew what was going on- no Top Eyebrow™ needed, which was good because she was incapable of arching only one brow.
(Meanwhile back at the Topbnb)
“Do you all like the charcuterie?” Todd asked Tony and Gabrielle, biting into a cracker topped with cheese and summer sausage.
“It’s great.” Gabrielle took her own bite. “So, are we taking bets on what they get up to tonight?”
Tony spoke through a mouthful of cracker and cheese. “I was just about to ask, have either of you been getting texts from random numbers? My phone has been blowing up for the last half hour, and it’s not the first time this has happened. This kind of thing has usually got ‘Chris’ written all over it.”
Todd pulled out his phone.
“Hmm…I’ve got two from an unknown number,” Todd said, reading the semi-coherent text messages he’d received.
“I only have one,” Gabrielle said, turning the phone so that Todd and Tony could read the message, which was barely coherent given all the random characters and typos.
“Weird. Yeah, these are…suggestive.” Tony shook his head, then something in the window caught his eye. “Did it snow? In Houston? What is that?”
That was windows ‘frosted’ with several cans worth of shaving cream and the big tree in the front yard decked out in what looked to be a lifetime supply of toilet paper.
Tony snorted a laugh, then quickly composed himself seeing the look on the others’ faces. “So…looks like we’ve been pranked?”
“ Maud participated in this?” Todd asked. On one hand, he knew she was in for one hell of a spanking. But on the other hand, he was a little impressed. He couldn’t recall his wife ever playing a prank before…at least, not like this…she liked to hide herself or implements…but SHAVING CREAM?
Tony fought valiantly to keep a straight face. “I bet anything this was Liv’s idea. Toilet paper is kind of a thing with her.” He looked far more proud (and amused) than he had a right to be.
“Tony, I require an explanation.” Gabrielle laughed, “I’m betting Nadia went right along with it. Especially if they’re as drunk as her text would suggest.”
Back at the bottoms:
“Christmas…Christmas Trrrree,” Maud slurred, sitting next to Chris on the couch. “Do you know…do you know how I refer to myself and Todd sometimes? Tomaudo and Potoddo,” Maud laughed so hard she hiccuped.
“Maudrey, that’s perfect,” Chris giggled. “Even better than Maudrey Hepburn and Toddert Wolders. I have to call you that now. Tomaudo and Potoddo!” He threw his head back, cackling. “The Vegetabeckers!”
Maud laughed, then hiccuped so powerfully that she scared herself.
“Oh m…my,” Maud giggled.
Having been rebuffed by an unimpressed Nadia, Olivia was leaning into Chris making a valiant attempt at not pouting. He put an arm around her, talking under his breath. “Sweetie, sometimes people are monogamous. We may not understand it, but we don’t judge.” Olivia rested her head on his shoulder.
“Christopher, my dearest, what I don’t understand is how you only fancy men. Monosexuals have got to be the most confusing people on the planet.”
“I wouldn’t even say it’s men. So far, it’s just Tony. I’m Tonysexual,” he laughed.
Olivia just shrugged. “Who isn’t, darling,” she sighed.
“Language…is so fascinating…isn’t itt?” Maud slurred. “Todd and I are monogamous…very very…monogamous which means…hmm…something. That reminds me of the time I had mononucleosis…often shortened to just…mono. But mono is a prefix so if I said ‘I had mono’…how would anyone…truly know…if I meant my husband…or…a virus?” Maud tapped her chin dramatically. “My head hurts.”
“Language is fascinating,” Nadia agreed, voice equally slurred. “Gabrielle and I are monogamous but we’ve talked about maybe eventually opening up? I dunno how I feel about that… even if it was my suggestion? It’s a good experiment I think… I should get a lab notebook for that. If it happens. Never trust a top with a lab notebook, though,” she rambled. “Did you know that Gabrielle had a lab notebook that she used the first semester we were partnered together? I thought she was kidding. She wasn’t.”
Olivia tried to sound nonchalant while fixating on the very first thing Nadia said. “So, when you talk about ‘opening up’ your relationship - ”
Chris clapped a hand over her mouth. “That’s hilarious, Nadia. I can’t see Tony ever being that organized. I love him to pieces, but I doubt he’s ever even heard of a lab notebook.”
“My top is an English professor,” Maud said. “I don’t know what I was expecting, but he’s um…he’s really something,” Maud said. “Oh my God, I miss him.”
Maud then began to cry again.
“I’m sorry,” she said through tears. “I really am having a wonderful time but…I want my Hot Toddy.”
Chris’ eyes welled up. “Maudrey…” he wrapped an arm around her shoulder, looking beseechingly in Olivia’s direction. “I miss Tony, too.”
Slapping her thighs, Olivia stood up. “Well, then. Truth or dare, Christopher?” She didn’t like the glint she saw in his eye a moment before he responded.
“Who dares me to jump off the banister??”
“Absolutely not, darling.” As he opened his mouth to bargain with her, she turned a forbidding glare on him. “ No .”
“Come on, Livvy Lou! Maudrey? Nods? You gonna dare me?”
“Christmas Tree…that’s a really bad idea. Please…just…you want another brattoo instead?” Maud asked desperately.
“Don’t be a dumbass,” was Nadia’s succinct contribution to the conversation.
The hope faded from Chris’ face as he realized no one supported his dream. A moment later, he crossed his arms and flopped backwards onto the couch. “ Fine.”
Olivia smiled indulgently at him. “How awful to be surrounded by people who care about your safety. My poor darling. How about you pick the next song?”
Chris lit up again. “ KARAOKE,” he yelled, much louder than necessary for the neighbors to hear. “Maudrey, sing a song with me! Please?”
“It would be my pleasure, Christmas Tree,” Maud said, standing. “What should we sing?! What should we sing?!”
“Any Taylor Swift song you know the words to!”
“Uhh…it’s been a while but I know ‘Love Story?’” Maud slurred. That was the Shakespeare one…right?
Chris squealed and grabbed Maud’s hands while Olivia queued up the song. “ Yes, Tomaudo! We love a classic!”
After about twenty minutes of karaoke, there was a loud knock at the front door. Mamma Spencer, who had gone to bed hours prior, had taken out her earplugs just in time to hear the knocking over the blaring music. She answered the door, and two of Houston’s finest got an eyeful of a barely-awake and very grumpy middle-aged Italian woman.
“Ma’am? HPD. We got a couple calls about excessive noise from your residence.”
Unbothered, she motioned them in and led them to the living room where four drunken adults were singing “We’re Not Gonna Take It” The one boy in the room was dancing with a large cardboard figure of a man in a red employee vest.
When the police turned to question her, V had already excused herself from the proceedings and gone back to bed. After exchanging a look between the two of them, the senior officer spoke first.
“Excuse me,” she shouted over the music. When no one responded, the other woman crossed over to the television and turned it off. Suddenly there were four pairs of wide eyes darting back and forth between the two officers.
“Oh…it’s the police,” Maud murmured confusedly.
“Houston Police Department. We got a couple complaints about excessive noise. Just wanted to ask y’all to turn it down. It’s not illegal to be drunk inside of a residence,” she eyed them all in turn as she said this, “So if you can keep it down and stay here, we won’t have a problem. Who’s in charge here?”
A short redhead stumbled forward. “I am, officers,” she spoke slowly in a British accent, enunciating with what looked to be considerable effort. “I apologize for the disturbance. It won’t happen again.”
That seemed to suffice for the two officers, who excused themselves after accepting a paper plate of cannolis and reminding everyone to keep the noise to a minimum. “Happy Holidays, y’all. Behave yourselves.”
When the door shut behind them, the four stared at each other for a few moments.
“Nobody…nobody tell Todd that the police came to a house that I was in…don’t tell him I’ve been…” Maud smirked. “Naughty.”
“Behave yourselves,” Nadia snorted under her breath. “I think that ship has sailed.”
Olivia and Chris, who had been avoiding each other’s eyes, exchanged a glance and promptly burst into giggles.
Back at the tops again:
Tony’s phone lit up, and he flinched as if it had grown horns. “Uh oh.” He answered the call. “Mamma?” The others could hear what sounded like a heated tirade, but couldn’t make out the words. “Il disturbo? Ma Olivia - La Polizia? Mamma, calma, per favore. Ci sono feriti? Va bene Mamma, va bene. Stiamo arrivando. Torna a dormire.” He hung up, turning to the others. “I think we need to get back over there.”
“Oh, God - what happened?” Todd asked with a sigh.
“Sounds like the police were called on our partners. Noise complaints.” Tony had the decency to look at least a little embarrassed.
“Damn. What does a top have to do to enjoy a charcuterie spread in peace?” Todd lamented.
“Spank their brats, apparently,” Gabrielle said wryly. “My palm is itching as I think about it.”
“It’s a good thing I packed our hairbrush, I guess,” Todd sighed.
Back at the brats:
While everyone tried to calm down after the police visit ended in uproarious laughter, Chris poured a few more drinks. “Who’s doing the next song?”
“I…c…c…can,” Maud said, before immediately hiccuping. “Are there any…eighties…s…songs?”
Olivia shook her head. “I need the loo. ‘Behave yourself’, Christopher,” she slurred, before laughing at her own joke and stumbling out of the room.
Chris grabbed Nadia’s hand. “Nadia. Nauds. Honey. Listen. I need you to do me a favor like right this instant. I am begging you.”
“Depends what the favor is,” Nadia said with a snort. “Unless it involves murder, probably? Unless it involves the murder of capitalism, that’s the exception to my exception. No murder except for capitalism,” she nodded, giggling to herself and taking another sip of… whatever it was in front of her.
“I’m not gonna jump off the banister. I just wanna slide down the railing. And I need - I neeeed - you to record it so I can send it to Tony. And Maudrey, you can catch me at the bottom! Catch the bottom at the bottom,” he laughed. “Please please please. Pleeeeease.” He wielded the most pathetic puppy dog eyes Nadia had ever seen.
“Christmas Tree! This is dangerous…don’t…don’t do it. Do you like board games? You wanna sing another song or something? Just don’t jump…please!” Maud begged.
“I promise I won’t jump, Maudrey! Pinky swear!” Hooking his pinky through Maud’s, Chris winked. Then he handed Nadia the phone and bolted halfway up the staircase.
“Chris no wait you’re not capitalism!” Nadia called out after him, “you’re drunk and sliding is a bad idea probably but-” she held up the phone regardless. “I’m going to regret this.”
“This is awful! What do I dooooo?” Maud moaned.
“Ooh, you should take a picture, Maudrey!” Chris hopped up on the banister, throwing his legs over the edge. “Nauds, are you recording?? Is it on??”
“I can’t…I can’t condone…this,” Maud promptly stumbled and passed out.
Chris’ eyes nearly popped out of his head. “ Maudrey!!” He leapt from the banister, falling several feet to the ground and landing on his feet before falling over. “Ow! Maudrey! No !” He crawled to her side and pulled her into his arms as Olivia came running.
“I can’t leave the room for two minutes??”
The words were half out of her mouth when the front door opened, revealing three very concerned tops.
“What in the hell is going on?” Todd asked. Then he noticed his wife.
“Oh my God…Maudie!” Todd rushed over to Maud and knelt next to her, taking her hand.
“I killed her ,” Chris wailed. “I killed Maudrey Hepburn! I’m so sorry, Toddert, I didn’t mean to! ”
Tony knelt next to him, checking Maud’s pulse. “She’s definitely alive, darlin’. Can you tell us what happened?”
Chris’ eyes widened in shock. “ Jeff? How are you alive right now? Todd, how do you know Jeff ?” Tony exchanged a brief, nonverbal conversation with Olivia.
Who is Jeff? One of Chris’ boyfriends? Did you kill someone again, baby?
Don’t be an idiot, Spencer. We’ll talk about this later. Focus.
Tony chose not to dwell on the thought that Olivia had not said ‘No, I didn’t kill someone again,’ trusting she had her reasons.
Nadia just stared at the ground in horror, where now both Maud and Chris laid. “Well, fuck.”
Gabrielle quietly walked over to the hullabaloo and, with a gentle hand on Nadia’s shoulder, pulled her away from all of the action and instead into a warm embrace. “You smell good,” she slurred.
“You smell like booze,” Gabrielle raised an eyebrow, a properly toppy expression on her face.
“Chris, baby, let’s give Maud some space. Todd’s got her.” Tony sat down on the floor a couple feet away, pulling Chris back to sit against his chest.
“Okay, Jeff.”
“Hey, I think she’s coming to,” Todd said. “Maudie? Can you talk?”
“T…Toddy?” Maud asked weakly, although she smiled slightly at the sight of her husband, who kissed her forehead.
“What happened, honey?” Todd asked. Before Maud could answer, a new voice interrupted.
“Is everything okay?” A man asked. “Whoa…what the hell is this doing here?”
The man gestured to Chris’ stolen cardboard cutout, and everyone realized he resembled the employee on the cutout.
Gabrielle wrapped her arms around a drunkenly swaying Nadia as they watched the conversation unfold.
Olivia narrowed her eyes. “Excuse you. You just showed up at our front door, who the hell are you?”
Chris blinked disbelievingly up at the new person. “Another Jeff? Livvy, am I drunk or are there three Jeffs in our entryway?”
The man sighed.
“My real name is Ralph, actually...but you can call me Jeff if it’s easier, though,” Ralph said, noting Chris’ perplexed facial expression.
Chris looked at Tony, then back to Jeff. “But your nametag said ‘Carl.’” He did a double take, gaping at Tony. “Baby? When did you get here?”
Tony glanced over at Olivia. That’s Jeff? So you didn’t kill anyone.
She smirked. You have no way of knowing that.
“Anyway, sorry to intrude like this but I’m relatively new to the neighborhood and was out exploring and heard screaming and…loud-ass karaoke earlier and I just wanted to make sure everything was okay, although as I’m looking at these two people laying on the ground, I’m wondering if y’all want me to call 911,” Ralph continued.
Before anyone could respond to Ralph’s very reasonable question, Maud suddenly sat up very quickly.
“My cookies!” Maud cried.
“What?” Todd demanded, wondering what cookies had anything to do with anything.
“I brought cookies to decorate but we never did!” Maud pouted.
“I think cookies should be the last thing on your mind,” Todd said firmly. “You fainted, Maud - and you all still have a hell of a lot of explaining to do,” Todd said, looking from Maud to Chris to Olivia to Nadia.
Tony nodded. “How about we all have a seat in the living room? More conducive to a conversation than our entryway.” He stood smoothly to his feet and offered a hand to Chris.
As soon as Chris had his legs under him, his knees buckled and he fell forward into Tony’s arms, bursting into tears. “Ow! Owwwww!”
Tony’s eyes went wide. “Baby?? What’s wrong? What hurts?”
“My ankle, I hurt my ankle!” Chris sobbed into Tony’s shoulder as his husband scooped him off the ground, carrying him to the living room with an apologetic glance backwards.
Once he had Chris seated on the couch, Tony knelt in front of him and ascertained which ankle was injured. “Liv, can you grab us an ice pack?” He turned to the others, who were gathering in the living room. “I’m gonna need to take him to the ER. But y’all make yourselves at home here, there’s plenty of space to spread out if you need to have private conversations and you’re welcome to stay; the whole basement level is guest rooms and Mamma always has them made up.”
“Spencer, we need to clean up the mess at the Airbnb.” Olivia handed him an ice pack and perched next to Chris on the couch, rubbing his back. “You should drop me off there on your way to the ER. And you’ll probably want to wipe the phone numbers off of your car windows before driving it.”
“Thanks for that, Liv,” Tony teased. “I think you snagged me some promising first dates.” Olivia pinched him where it was sure to hurt and grabbed his phone, scrolling through his texts and blocking numbers with fierce determination.
“What about the cookies, Tony?” Chris’ eyes filled with new tears, and Tony brushed his hair back from his face.
“Aw, sweetheart. It’s okay, baby. We can invite Maud over again before they fly out and y’all can decorate them then, wouldn’t that be so much fun?” Tony cooed, hefting Chris into his arms again and toting him out to the car with Olivia on his heels.
“How are you feeling, Maudie?” Todd asked gently.
“Fine,” Maud mumbled - she was quite drowsy and sheepish, admittedly.
“Anything hurt?” Todd asked.
“No, sir.”
“Well, it will,” Todd said firmly.
Maud frowned.
“But after you’ve sobered up. Let’s get you tucked in somewhere,” Todd kissed her forehead and Maud couldn’t help but forget her impending punishment and smiled as her husband led her downstairs.
That left Nadia and Gabrielle standing in the room, one of Gabrielle’s toppy eyebrows still arched. “What do you want to do?” she asked, “within reason, given that you’re still drunk.”
“I’ll go with Olivia,” Nadia offered. “There’s more than enough work for the two of us, she shouldn’t have to go at it alone.”
“I so want the full story later,” Gabrielle replied. “I’ll come supervise the clean up effort, if Olivia needs a ride back I can give that to her, and then I’ll take you to go sleep the rest of it off.” She paused, letting Nadia shift nervously on her feet as she awaited her tops next words. “Tomorrow, I believe I owe someone a discussion about responsible drinking. Amongst other things.”
Nadia had known it was coming, but…
“Ouch.”
“Oh, I’ll show you ouch. Tomorrow.” She said ominously, wrapping an arm around Nadia’s shoulders and leading her out as well.
And so it was that when the sun rose that morning several hours later, The Spencer-Pierce household was filled to the brim with four very sore and sorry brats, three longsuffering tops who loved them enough to make them very sore and very sorry, and memories that would be revisited for years to come.