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Losing him was blue, like I’d never known
Missing him was dark gray, all alone
Forgetting him was like trying to know somebody you never met
But loving him was red
Loving him was red
She had always hated the quiet, she mused as her eyes lingered on the window in front of her. The last vestiges of the day slipped away as smoothly as the water slid down the pane of glass. The stormy gray sky began to deepen to a starless black . She gazed down at a solitary streetlight that fought futilely against the darkness.
The delicate sound of the raindrops patting against the window were soft and rhythmic— the beat of a heart that was missing from her side. A soothing, almost comforting soundtrack to the memories rushing through her mind. These memories lived in her head on a constant loop, haunting her every moment. The sweet and the painful. It allowed her mind to wander and pick through those memories that sometimes needed to stay tucked safely away.
She tucked her feet up beneath her— adjusting her blanket to cover them— before she turned her gaze from the darkness. The small flat she lived in was tiny, but cozy. It was one of the reasons she chose to live here. It was comforting and felt like home from the moment she’d stepped foot in here.
There were floor to ceiling shelves that lined one end of the room on either side of the stone fireplace. The shelves were crammed with volumes and volumes of leather-bound books. These weren’t books for show, they were read and well loved. The spines were creased from repeated usage. They weren’t hers, and they were almost painful to look at sometimes even on those days, she couldn’t imagine packing them up. There was a comfort in knowing they were there.
Tonks was curled into the overstuffed armchair by the window in her tiny living room. A low fire crackled in the stone fireplace, filling the room with a warmth that was needed on this chilly, damp London night. A threadbare yellow and black plaid blanket pulled up over her lap. A cup of barely warm tea sat on the small side table next to her, mostly untouched as she stared absently out the rain-streaked window. Her normally vibrant pink hair was now a pale blush colour as it hung loosely around her shoulders. The usual glimmer of mirth in her dark gaze was no where to be found. Her mind wandered through her memories for what felt like the millionth time.
Everything had been going so well. They’d found each other in this turbulent chaotic time, and that had to count for something, didn’t it? In the middle of a vicious war and in each other, there was a comfort and love that both of them so desperately needed.
He had once joked with her; it was like the start of a bad joke ‘a half blood metamorphmagus and a half blood werewolf walked into a bar…’. She knew then that he had her heart.
Nothing about them should have worked. The differences were so glaringly obvious. The age gap. Her abilities that were so rare. His lycanthropy. Her family’s connection to Voldemort. His dour pragmatic approach clashed with her optimistic idealism on more than one occasion. But somehow during a time of upheaval and war, their two worlds had collided into something she thought only existed in muggle romance movies. A love so real and honest that she could feel it to the depths of her soul.
Memorizing him was as easy as knowing all the words
To your old favorite song
Shortly after the battle at the Department of Mysteries, some of the Order members ended up at a quiet bar not far from Grimmauld Place. Exhausted and needing to drink until the pain of what they’d seen— and what they knew was about to start— could be dulled.
It was a dingy little place and Tonks wrinkled her nose at the way her feet seemed to stick to the floor as she walked in. But the firewhiskey was cheap and plentiful,and in that moment, that was what they needed.
Remus, still reeling with the loss of his best friend and fellow Marauder, had sat quietly at the bar until Tonks had joined him. At first, she just sat next to him and let him feel her presence. To let him know that he wasn’t alone. Finally, she gently began asking questions about Sirius, as she only really knew of him from the stories her mother used to tell her. He’d always been mum’s favourite cousin.
Remus hadn’t spoken much at first, but eventually, he opened up with a voice that was raw in its grief. It had been a slow start. Her quiet probing eventually led him to telling tales of the Marauders from their school days. Shots of firewhiskey passed between them as, sitting shoulder to shoulder, she listened to his stories about Sirius..
Tales of mischief and camaraderie between the two boys and their friends came spilling from scarred man sitting beside her. Her eyes lingered on his profile as his own stared down into the glass before him. There was the barest hint of a smile on that pain-filled face.
He was far more handsome than he gave himself credit for. He appeared more mature than his actual age, but it suited him. The light brown hair was peppered with a liberal amount of grey, and there were silvery scars that marked his face. It was his eyes that pulled her in. There was gentleness in that grey-green gaze that contradicted the very nature of his condition.
“ ‘...and don’t have puppies, Moony, his hair will grow back… eventually’ but the silly prat could barely speak through his giggles. Not even James could stay mad at him when he got like that… that laugh got you every time.”
Remus’s smile widened at the memory.
Then almost imperceptibly, he muttered “Tosser,” before continuing the story. “And for the record, Sirius was wrong, I’m pretty sure Goyle still has that bald patch behind his left ear.”
His eyes finally lifted to meet hers. Tonks’ heart stuttered as he held her gaze, until the pain began to leech back into his eyes. As the realization that Sirius was gone sank in once again. He looked back down at his now empty glass.
It was then when she realized it.
Memories were all he had left of his Marauders now.
Her heart broke for him, and there were several long moments of awkward silence. He was dealing with his pain and she didn’t know what to say or how to help.
“I’m sorry, Remus. I know…”
“No, you don’t.” He snapped at her in a tight voice.
“Don’t bark at me,” she replied huffily. “I’m not the one you’re mad at.”
Remus turned to look at her again, his mouth snapped closed and his face contorted slightly. She wasn’t sure what emotions he was fighting, but the way his eyes crinkled slightly at the corners revealed all.
He was trying to smother a laugh.
“Really? ‘Bark’? That’s where you’re going with this.”
It was Tonks' turn to be stunned into silence. Her face flushed a bright red as she realized what she had said.
“I… I’m so sorry…I didn’t mean… That’s not what I meant,” she began in an apologetic stutter but was quickly interrupted by Remus’s sharp burst of laughter. It took only a few moments before she, too, began to giggle.
“Yeah, you’re definitely Sirius’s cousin, he could never resist a dog joke around me.”
The laughter seemed to be emanating from deep within him, and for the first time she could remember during her short acquaintance with him, she could see him surrendering to the laughter.
For the first time, she could see the Marauder within him.
It was then that Tonks knew she was in love. She barely knew him, but her heart did.
Without a second thought, Tonks’s face morphed before him. Her nose and ears elongated slightly as she began to shift into a more canine appearance. Her ears and snout both looked as though they belonged on a cocker spaniel. Soft and curly bubble gum pink fur that matched her hair colour on the long ears that flopped around as she moved her head. Her pink nose twitched, sniffing the air haughtily.
“You are definitely much cuter than Sirius ever was.” Remus’s laugh was still evident in his words. Absently, he lifted a hand up to brush against her floppy ears. A shiver raced through her at his touch and she gazed into his eyes.
They still crinkled at the corners, but there was something more in the depths of green. A look of longing that she knew was mirrored in her own gaze.
Touching him was like realizing all you ever wanted
Was right there in front of you
As her concentration shifted to the man before her, the dog features she had adopted moments before slipped, and she was just Tonks again.
Their eyes met, and maybe it was the firewhiskey that fueled her on, but she asked.
“Where are you staying tonight, Remus?”
“Grimmauld Place, as usual.”
“Wrong answer.” It wasn’t a suggestion.
She stood up as he blinked at her for a moment. She held her hand out to him and, to her genuine surprise, he took it. Her heart thudded against her chest madly as their hands met. Her cheeks flushed again as their eyes met, and she apparated them to her small flat.
As the world around them snapped back into place, Remus took a half step towards her and bent slightly to brush his lips against hers. The electric jolt that rushed through her was enough to elicit a sharp intake of breath.
Her hands reached out to his chest, fingers curling into the soft fabric of his sweater. She pulled him closer, deepening the kiss. She could taste the firewhiskey and salt from the pretzels they’d been snacking on at the bar.
Fighting with him was like trying to solve a crossword
And realizing there's no right answer
Regretting him was like wishing you never found out
That love could be that strong
“You can’t tell me to stay here, Remus. I’m a bloody Auror! Not some 1950’s muggle housewife, who sits at home waiting for her husband to come back.” Tonks struggled not to raise her voice. Teddy was sleeping in the other room and the walls of their flat were thin, but she was angry. Angrier with Remus than she had ever been before.
“Dora,” The older man sighed wearily, “I’m not asking because I am trying to protect you.”
He held up a hand as Tonks tried to interrupt. “Okay, but that’s not the only reason. I am asking you to stay with Teddy. Keep him safe. He needs you, my love.”
“He needs you too, Remus,” she said through gritted teeth. “I can bring him to my mum’s. She’ll protect him, and I can protect you. I can fight with you… beside you.”
“Dora, please. Listen to reason…”
“If we are going to talk about reason, then you should be the one staying home. I’m a trained auror. You are a school teacher. So, you stay home, and I’ll go fight.” She stated, knowing exactly what reaction it would get from him.
“No,” he snapped back at her, a rare flicker of fury flashing through those green eyes. “He needs you, not me. What do I have to offer him? I’m an old, broken, werewolf who has failed everyone he has ever loved.”
He took in a sharp breath before lowering his voice, “But you, you are everything he could ever need, my love. You are young, full of life and happiness. And your love would see him through anything.”
“Remus.” Tonks stepped forward and lifted a hand up to cup his cheek. She sighed as he instinctively nuzzled into her touch. “You are the best person I have ever known.”
Lifting a hand, he covered her hand in his own. He turned his face just slightly to press his lips into the palm of her hand.
“That’s not true… but I love you for saying it,” he began.
“I’m not done,” Tonks continued. “You are the best person I’ve ever known, but you are also the thickest. How can you not see it? You’re my port in the storm. I thought I was happy before I met you. You know, aside from the devastating war and all,” she said with a sad sort of smile. “But meeting you was like feeling the sunshine on my skin for the first time. It was a level of warmth and happiness that I didn’t even know existed until that moment in the bar.”
“Dora, I can’t leave him the way James and Lily left Harry. Please.” It was barely a whisper, a thought that escaped him without his consent.
Her heart thumped painfully in her chest. How was she supposed to do this?
Go with her husband and help him fight against an evil that threatened everything they held dear? Or stay home to protect her only child? A wave of guilt flashed through her as she realized there was only one choice she could make.
Teddy.
“I’ll stay with Teddy.” Her voice was barely audible as tears filled her eyes. She couldn’t bear the thought of him hurt in any way, but this felt like goodbye. The thought of losing Remus stole the air from her lungs.
A sharp pain throbbed in her chest as she stepped forward into his arms. “But if you don’t come back to me, I’m going to avada you.”
Remus chuffed softly as he pulled her into a tight embrace, his chin resting on the top of her dark brown hair. There was an overwhelming look of relief that washed over his face at the thought of his family being safe and away from the battle.
“Nymphadora Lupin, I love you more than you could ever know.”
He stepped back and with a crooked finger, he lifted her chin up gently and looked into her eyes. “You and Teddy are everything to me.”
He lowered his lips to hers with a gentleness that stole her breath away.
She let herself bask in the warmth of his love. Her hands reached up to clutch at the lapels of his well-worn jacket. Pulling him in close, she felt his arms tighten around her. This moment—this kiss—was what they both needed. The world was falling apart around them and people were dying, but in this moment, they were the only thing that mattered.
And as he left, she whispered, “Come back to me.”
Remembering him comes in flashbacks and echoes
Tell myself it's time now gotta let go
She had almost followed him and left Teddy with her mother, but Remus’s fear of leaving their son an orphan stuck with her, so instead she spent that evening at her mother’s.
It had been a torturous night that went on for an eternity. Not knowing what was happening to her friends and loved ones was awful, but waiting to hear from Remus was pure hell.
The next morning, Kingsley Shacklebolt had shown up to inform her of Remus’s death.
Three years later, that memory was still more painful than anything else she’d ever experienced in her life. Finding out that her love was dead would have been enough to destroy her, if it weren’t for the infant that lay in his grandmother’s arms while she collapsed into Kingsley’s arms and sobbed.
Tears filled her eyes as that memory played out in her mind. The only thing that had pulled her through was Teddy.
Her beautiful boy, who had his father’s wise eyes and Marauder’s grin, and the gift of metamorphmagus abilities from his mother. That tiny bundle of love was who she got out of bed for every day. He was what brought a smile to her face even when she thought that the pain would end her.
Remus had been her heart, but Teddy was her soul. She would move heaven and earth to protect him and make him happy.
“Mama?” A small, familiar voice broke through the memories that would forever haunt her.
Tonks hastily swiped away at the tears, before turning to smile at the toddler brightly. In that moment, he looked so much like Remus it physically hurt.
“Teddy, little love, what are you doing up? It’s past your bedtime.”
“ ‘m scared, Mama… the moon is loud tonight.” His lower lip jutted out, quivering slightly as he tried to fight back tears.
It was the night before the full moon, and though the mediwitches had said that he did not inherit his father’s lycanthropy, somehow he always experienced a connection to the lunar cycles. He became a little antsy around the full moon. His emotions were triggered a little easier. But he was a Lupin, and he was a brave as any three-year-old could be.
“C’mon, little cub.”
She lifted the blanket up and gestured at the boy. Teddy’s lip stopped quivering as he quickly scampered over and clambered into her lap. Tonks winced slightly as a bony elbow jabbed her thigh, and the top of his head hit her chin. But eventually, he made himself comfortable and proceeded to burrow into the warmth of her arms. She draped the blanket back down over both of them. The sweet scent of his hair filled her senses as she bent down to kiss the top of his head.
She couldn’t help but giggle as the warm brown hair lightened to a sunny yellow— something he tended to do whenever he felt safe and comfortable. As a young, natural-born metamorphmagus, he couldn’t always control his transfigurations when his emotions took over.
They sat quietly for a while, the sound of the low crackling fire and the beating of the rain on the window made for a soothing white noise in the background.
She let her gaze fall on the rain spattered window once again. From the soft steady breathing of the toddler in her arms, she was almost convinced that he had fallen back asleep. His quiet voice proved her wrong.
“Mama?”
“Yes, little cub?”
“Can you tell me about Papa, again?” He asked sleepily as a yawn slipped out. She smiled before placing another kiss into the top of his butter-yellow hair.
“Of course.” A smile slid over her face. This was Teddy’s favourite story. The story of his father. The story of a hero.
“Remus Lupin was one of the bravest, kindest, smartest, and strongest people I’ve ever known. And you, Teddy, my love,” she hugged her son’s tiny frame a bit tighter as he squirmed comfortably against her, “were the thing that he loved more than anything else on this planet…”
Losing him was blue, like I’d never known
Missing him was dark gray, all alone
Forgetting him was like trying to know somebody you never met
But loving him was red
Loving him was red