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Wei Wuxian had never really thought about ever coming back to the world he had so abruptly left in his past life. To be honest, it had come as a relief when he’d died and realized all the problems plaguing him, all the fighting and injustices and tribulations he had been experiencing, all that responsibility, were gone. He had just been so exhausted by that point that to be able to escape it all, though it felt shameful and weak to admit, was relieving.
It wasn’t in his plans to ever come back, and being kicked in the stomach by some random person he’s never seen before was something that strayed even further from his plans of peacefully wandering around as a ghost for the rest of eternity. In the first few minutes he’s been in this new body he’d been kicked, cursed at, and ridiculed. All within a few minutes! Maybe he’d get it if he had been back in his old body and created mischief or something, but he didn’t even do anything this time!
Really, if things were going to be like this he would have just preferred to continue wandering around as a ghost. Why’d he have to come back as such a person?
So far he’s learned a few things about this Mo Xuanyu fellow, mainly that he was an outcast lunatic and cut-sleeve alike who wasn’t very fortunate in both his family or living situation. Looking around at his handiwork though, from what he can see, this lunatic was surprisingly capable. To begin with, this sort of devious sacrificial array he’d made was one hardly anybody knew about. It was such a bygone practice that even the most fanatic enthusiasts of the dark arts would have never heard a word of it, let alone this random guy. How’d he manage to get his hands on such information? It seemed to Wei Wuxian that everyone was really underestimating his abilities.
Thinking this, Wei Wuxian inspects the array painted on the floor, crudely painted in blood that’s still a little damp, smelling musky and sweetly metallic. The parts he had woken up on were a little smudged but overall, the quality of the circle was near-perfect. It was obvious whoever made this was practically salivating with malice to do something so gruesome and drastic. Judging from the rude way he’d been woken up only just a few minutes earlier, it wasn’t very hard to guess why he’d resort to such measures.
Just when Wei Wuxian is about to get up and start snooping around more, pushing himself to his knees, a smudged line of blood in the middle of the grisly array has him pausing.
He does a double take. Once he confirms he isn’t seeing things and isn’t suffering from a muddled mind, a series of exasperated curses fall from his mouth.
Seriously!? This Mo Xuanyu guy couldn’t be serious. Did he do this on purpose or what? There’s just no way, it was too malicious to not purposefully be done! Either that or Wei Wuxian really did have the shittiest of luck!
Right in the center of the array where there should have been empty space was a slightly crooked but undeniably straight line of blood.
Now, these types of arrays were generally very meticulous and usually took some practice to eliminate any errors one might make. For this Mo Xuanyu guy who was apparently both a lunatic and had such a damaged mental state he would go so far as completely eradicating his soul for the sake of revenge, he probably wasn’t as careful as he could have been, spurred on by rage and the bloodthirsty desire for vengeance.
A mistake or two was understandable. If they were small enough it sometimes didn’t matter or do much of anything. Even if something like this did go wrong, the host’s soul was to be torn to shreds anyway, so who cared if there were a few mishaps? What could be worse than the desired outcome?
This! This fucking could!
Why? Because this one line meant that instead of staying in Mo Xuanyu’s body indefinitely so long as he fulfilled his requests, now, whether he fulfilled his requests or not, he would die in exactly one year's time.
Wei Wuxian moves to another less bloody part of the room to sit down, crossing his arms and lowering his head with a sigh. In the few minutes since Mo Xuanyu’s terrible family had left after having their fill roughing him up, he’d accepted that he was alive again and was maybe even a little excited for this second chance at life. This was a completely new body and no one would recognize him. He could escape from all the drama of his past life and just try to live normally again.
That’s what he’d thought. Now, all those thoughts speedily go down the drain. It really was too unfortunate that out of the otherwise perfectly drawn array, this had been the one thing wrong with it.
The more he thinks about it, the more suspicious it seems. Honestly, he really can’t help but think Mo Xuanyu must have done it on purpose. There must have been a visual drawing of the array he’d used as reference for making this one. With such a visual aid, it would be as clear as day to see that line didn’t belong there.
To be fair, Mo Xuanyu had also seemed to have either forgotten or hadn’t known about the part of specifying his vengeance in his head, so it’s not as if he’d done everything perfectly, but still. At least with that his objects of revenge were pretty obvious and could be easily guessed. With this, Wei Wuxian really had no way to get around the mistake.
“Checkmate, you jerk,” Wei Wuxian says as he looks up at the dingy wooden ceiling of the house. “If I’m to die anyway, what makes you think I’ll fulfill your requests, huh? I could just sit here the entire time and not go through the effort. Bet you didn’t think of that, eh?”
Of course, Mo Xuanyu’s soul would have already been ripped to shreds by this point and no part of him existed in this world any longer, so there was absolutely no chance he could hear him. There was also the fact that if Wei Wuxian didn’t fulfill the request his own soul would be ripped apart, so there was still a pretty good incentive to go through with completing them. He can’t help but feel petty, though.
“This really isn’t fair. Why is it that even if I avenge you I still die in a year? Mo Xuanyu, can’t you look at a reference picture properly!? There clearly isn’t a line in the center!”
While he’d been sitting up at first, his head really does hurt, his stomach feeling as if an entire colony of ants were nibbling and scuttling around in it, and so he ends up falling to his side, curling in on himself.
He looks at his arm, gazing at the crisscrossing lacerations. The longer he waited the worse their condition would get, until they would inevitably turn into ugly, festering wounds. If he were to succumb from those wounds then nothing he did with this life would matter– as soon as he died, his soul would be shredded and torn apart until nothing was left. He wouldn’t turn into a wandering ghost like last time. There would really be nothing of him left.
Wei Wuxian lays down on his back, tugging down his sleeve and gazing back up at the ceiling. In the end, he decides it would probably be best if he just fulfilled the requests. Maybe he would have been more hesitant if it was something truly evil and unjustified, but judging just from what he’s seen so far, really, Mo Xuanyu’s family were truly reprehensible people. Keeping him locked up in such an empty and dirty house, beating him and ransacking the place, not to mention how unbearably hungry he is right now– he feels he might really starve to death. What was their plan, to wait things out until Mo Xuanyu starved?
After he fulfilled what needed to be fulfilled and once the lacerations on his arm were gone, who knows what he’d do. Maybe he’d just view this year as a vacation of sorts. He’d live carefreely without having to worry about the consequences of anything, and once the year was up, he could go back to being a wandering ghost.
The more he thinks about it, the less dejected he feels. He had never been one to let things drag him down for too long in the first place. Really, it’s not as if he’d disliked it much when he’d been dead. Though time and space were never really concrete things and though his consciousness was more like fragments of feelings and memories, it hadn’t been bad. He wouldn’t mind going back to that.
Staggering up with weak legs, a throbbing head, and a stomach so empty it felt seconds away from collapsing in on itself, Wei Wuxian walks to the door and tries pushing it open, only to find it had been blocked from the outside. The people of the Mo estate must have gotten into the habit of doing this so Mo Xuanyu couldn’t run amok and bring shame to the family. Though to be fair, from what Wei Wuxian has seen, even the most sensible of people would go mad living in such conditions. Seriously, when was the last time they’d fed him? He was seriously going to die before he could even try to fulfill Mo Xuanyu’s requests. In that scenario, it really wouldn’t be his fault if he couldn't complete them!
Seeing as there’s nothing else to do in this empty house smelling of blood and other things he’d rather not think about, Wei Wuxian can only meditate and hope he lasts long enough to make it to the next meal time.
He closes his eyes.
***
“No! I won’t do it, I won’t go in. You can’t make me!”
Wei Wuxian clings to the spotted donkey he’d snatched from the Mo estate, fat tears rolling down his cheeks. He’d like to say they’re completely for show, but honestly, he himself isn’t even completely sure of that by this point. He had been forced to spend three months in the Cloud Recesses in his past life, and it had been so fucking boring he had barely been able to survive it! There was no way he was going to step a foot into that hellish place again!
After quenching Mo Xuanyu’s lust for vengeance, he had decided he would just go where the wind blew him and have fun with this year of life he had been given. He’d gone to Dafan mountain just because he felt like it and had helped out to prevent the lives of any of the little juniors being taken. He hadn’t expected he’d reunite with Jiang Cheng, meet Jin Ling, see Wen Ning, and somehow be taken back to Gusu.
Wei Wuxian wanted to spend this time having fun. Having. Fun! Gusu was literally the most un-fun miserably boring place that existed in all of China. Seriously, was this some kind of joke? He might as well just kill himself now and die before his time was up then spend all of it suffering in such a boring place!
Was Lan Wangji okay? How did that comment about him being his type not disgust him into leaving him alone? Was this even the same person? Wasn’t he the one who was possessed!?
One of the little juniors crosses his arms, seeming exasperated. “What are you crying for? Weren’t you the one who said you wanted to come here in the first place? Making a ruckus is forbidden in the Cloud Recesses!”
Aren’t you the one making a ruckus? Wei Wuxian thinks in half amusement, half dismay.
Wei Wuxian has never seen a Lan speak so crassly before. Honestly, it’s refreshing, but it also has him rapidly thinking that maybe Gusu had changed in the years he’d been away. Maybe that explained why Lan Wangji was so weirdly unfazed by things now? Was this just a sign of the times?
This time, another little junior speaks up, seeming much more refined and dignified than the last one. Ah. And there was the familiar Lan-ness. “He’s right, Mo-gongzi. Hanguang-Jun brought you here for your own good.”
My own good, my ass! I don’t have time to be spending in such boring places! I’m dying, okay!? Dying!
In the end, he’s dragged inside.
He’s left in the Jingshi but sneaks out to check and see if he had any chance of escaping. As expected, though he could easily scale the pristine white walls, he’d end up just being slapped back inside by the rebound of the barrier. His only hope of escape was securing a jade travel token.
How was he supposed to get one of those, though? It’s not as if they were left just carelessly lying around.
Wei Wuxian returns to the Jingshi. Sits there and thinks about it, twirling his crappy bamboo flute. After a while though, his thoughts about the jade token turn into thoughts about the situation he had been thrown into.
It’s not like he hadn’t thought there might be a way to get rid of the one-year timer put on his life. It’s just, it was incredibly unlikely. Sometimes workarounds and “emergency exits” of sorts were available for more normal arrays since they were more widely used and it would be bad if every baby beginner cultivator suffered from some odd curse because of a mistroke, but this array in particular was a demonic array. The creators of such nefarious things generally didn’t go through the tedious and troublesome process of making a back up when things went wrong.
Even Wei Wuxian hadn’t really been in the habit of it considering he both didn’t have the time and didn’t think it necessary; he was really the only one who’d been using his inventions at the time and was proficient enough that there wasn’t too much of a worry of making mistakes. If it was already uncommon for “normal” arrays to have workarounds, the possibility of a nefarious array having one, one so unknown and forgotten about at that, was just absurd.
Still, though. The more impossible it seems, the more he finds himself thinking about it. Attempt the impossible: It had been ingrained into him ever since he was a child. This seemed impossible, but maybe there was some obscure solution. It’s not as if Wei Wuxian really dreaded dying again all that much, but now that he’s spent some time being alive again and experienced eating food and breathing in air, having a refreshing sip of water and talking to people, he admits, he wouldn't mind if his time could be extended a little.
If he couldn’t find a way, oh well. If he did though, then that would be nice. All in all, he doesn’t get his hopes up as he once again sneaks out of the Jingshi and makes his way over to where he knows the library is.
It’s almost laughable, the thought of finding anything even slightly nefarious anywhere near the Cloud Recesses. Still though, he decides he may as well check it out anyway. Maybe he’d find something interesting to read.
An hour later, he finds himself sitting in the library next to a pile of books and scrolls, fidgeting with his sleeves and bored out of his mind. Unsurprisingly, he hadn’t found anything that could help with his predicament. In fact, out of every shelf he’d gone through, the only thing he’d found relating to demonic cultivation was pretty much a roast book painstakingly talking about how stupid the founder was and how what they did was terrible and should never be repeated. After flipping through a few pages, Wei Wuxian had silently closed it and tossed it somewhere.
He couldn’t even find anything interesting to read. Everything is the type of boring scholarly crap written so blandly it’s almost as if the authors had purposefly tried to make everything as bland and convoluted as possible on purpose, just to fuck with people.
Wei Wuxian lets out a sigh. Then another, as he rolls down on the ground and pulls some talisman paper out of his sleeves.
Biting his thumb and drawing a small bead of blood, he writes down some characters on the paper and waits.
After a few seconds, swirling flames of all colors begin to rise, taking random shapes. These types of flames weren't actually hot and didn’t burn you if you touched them. From a cultivation perspective they were pretty useless, but from a normal person bored out of their mind’s perspective, they were pretty decent entertainment. He doesn’t have much else to do and mindlessly swirls his finger around to make the colorful flames dance.
He isn’t sure how long he spends laying there, doesn’t really care. Eventually though, he hears footsteps by the entrance of the library and glances up to see the poised and collected face of Lan Wangji.
“There you are.”
Wei Wuxian hurries to put out the fire, shoving the talismans he’d used back up his sleeves and scrambling to tidy up the mess he’d made. That is, until he realizes that maybe he’d have a chance of being kicked out of this forsaken place if he acted like a slob. He’s halfway through picking up some scrolls when he suddenly drops them on the floor with a thump, inwardly cringing at the sound.
Lan Wangji silently looks at the dropped scrolls, looking back at Wei Wuxian with an unreadable expression. Hoping to frustrate him with a double-whammy, Wei Wuxian widely smiles and rushes over to him.
“Hanguang-Jun, you found me! Look at what a mess I made, aiya, these scrolls are really too heavy for little old me,” he sweetly says, tightly hugging Lan Wangji’s arm. He coquettishly flutters his eyelashes. “Hanguang-Jun, you’re so strong and handsome. Could you pick them up for me?”
There! Be disgusted! Hurry up and be disgusted so you can kick me out already!
Wei Wuxian feels him up to make the display even more unbearable, shocking himself when he feels how sturdy his arms are. He definitely wasn’t that jacked when they were younger, what the hell? How’d he manage to get so buff? It was really too unfair– he had gotten like this, yet Wei Wuxian had come back in such a scrawny body.
Rather than say anything or even really have much of a reaction, Lan Wangji only glances down at him. He has a similarly unreadable expression on his face as he tries to tug his arm away. Wei Wuxian only holds him tighter, clinging on for dear life.
That is, until his body goes completely limp. Suddenly, all feeling drains from his muscles and he finds himself slumping, losing strength in his legs.
A noise of surprise wants to spring from his mouth but even that isn’t able to escape as Lan Wangji catches him and places him on the ground. Once he’s situated, he silently walks over to the mess Wei Wuxian had made and picks each and every thing up, even meticulously going out of his way to put them back exactly where they belong on the shelves.
For a moment, he pauses on the book Wei Wuxian had tossed away, the one about demonic cultivation. The glance is brief before he puts that one away, too.
He turns back to Wei Wuxian when he’s done. “Do not make a mess like this again.”
Had he always been so intimidating? Wei Wuxian almost subconsciously begins to nod but he can’t even do that and can only helplessly look at Lan Wangji. Lan Wangji glances down at him before tossing him over his shoulder like it’s nothing, carrying him away.
Wei Wuxian can hardly believe this.
Seriously, how did this happen!? All he wanted was to have fun! Fun!
***
Though Wei Wuxian had been planning to simply play around and spend his time having fun, when the opportunity had arisen to go with Lan Wangji and investigate the cursed arm, he had jumped on it. Not only because he would rather investigate how much fiber a rabbit had from its shit than stay in the Cloud Recesses for even a moment longer, but also, because it interested him. He had thought: Why not go? There might be something interesting to be found.
At least, that’s what he’d thought at first. But then he’d realized that even if he investigated this strange and nefarious arm and they were able to find the truth behind it, by the time everything was over and done with, he would inevitably be dragged back to the Gusu. Now that he had managed to get out of the boundary confining him there, there was absolutely no way he could allow himself to be brought back. If he didn’t take this opportunity to escape now there really would be no chance for him to escape later on.
And so, he tries to run away at every chance he gets. Lan Wangji might as well have eyes on his back and extra sets of ears on the trees, though; no matter how sneaky Wei Wuxian thinks he’s being, he’s never able to make it far before he’s dragged back by the collar. If it had been anyone else he might have been able to escape, but Lan Wangji was really too attentive. There was absolutely no chance of escape.
While his first technique had been to straight up just try and run away, once that had proved to be completely and utterly useless, he had then switched back to trying to disgust Lan Wangji. He would cling to him, especially at night, climbing into his bed and crawling on top of him.
Rather than anything like disgust though, Lan Wangji would simply tap him to paralyze him and move him off, positioning him in a more proper sleeping position. In the end, Wei Wuxian finds himself completely beat and ends up just going along with things, resigning himself to continue properly investigating with Lan Wangji. He could worry about escaping when he was somewhere without Lan Wangji there to drag him back.
***
They spend a long time traveling, visiting different places and cities to try and figure out what was up with the cursed arm. All the while, Wei Wuxian discreetly tries to find more information on how to get rid of the curse of sorts that had been placed on him. Even after a while of looking he doesn’t find anything, though it’s not as if he’d really been expecting to.
It affects him more than he thought it would. While at first he’d resigned himself to his fate, not really caring if he was destined to die again in a year, at some point during his travels with Lan Wangji he had realized it was… nice.
Despite the main focus of their traveling being to investigate the arm, he can’t help but think the time he’s spending with Lan Wangji has been fun. Especially since he’d realized Lan Wangji knew who he was and could fully be himself.
He doesn’t really want it to end.
“...Wei Ying.”
Wei Wuxian looks up, realizing he’d spaced out. He tries to smile but even he can feel how stiff it is on his lips. “Hm? What is it?”
Lan Wangji gazes at him for a long time before saying, “You have barely touched your food.”
At that, Wei Wuxian glances down at the table. They were once again staying at an inn for the night and he had insisted they tried all the local cuisine as well as all the spicy dishes they had, and so the table was completely lined with brightly colored dishes, smelling delicious.
“Ah. I guess you’re right. Sorry, I was just thinking.”
Though Wei Wuxian had been the one who’d wanted to eat all this before, he suddenly finds he isn’t very hungry. He looks back down at the spicy dish in front of him and picks up his chopsticks, deciding that even if he wasn't hungry, it would be better not to waste anything.
There was only so long he would be able to enjoy food like this. He really should savor it while he can.
It’s what he thinks, but as he slowly chews, what he knows should taste rich and spicy feels like dirt on his tongue.
“...Are you feeling alright?” Lan Wangji suddenly asks, and Wei Wuxian looks up again. Smiles, feeling a little uncomfortable. Had it really been so obvious?
“Lan Zhan, are you really asking that? When am I not feeling alright?” he brightly says. “Don’t you see all this wonderful food in front of me? It’s just so hard to decide what to eat, I can’t make up my mind. What do you think I should try? Does Lan Zhan have any favorites?”
It’s clearly a misdirect to distract him, and Lan Wangji is quiet for a while, gazing at him with deep amber eyes that seem to be looking through him and right into his very soul. Wei Wuxian maintains his gaze, staring right back into his eyes, such a beautiful color he’s never seen on anyone else. Had those eyes always seemed so worried?
In the end, Lan Wangji doesn’t answer and tells him to eat. Wei Wuxian tries to laugh and joke around like he usually would but finds after a while it sounds too painfully forced it’s almost embarrassing. He stops, choosing to instead just quietly eat his food. All the while, Lan Wangji glances at him with looks full of concern. Ultimately, he doesn’t say anything more.
In the end, they don’t finish everything, and Lan Wangji packs up what’s left to eat later while they’re traveling. Wei Wuxian excuses himself to go to bed early, something he almost never did.
He stares out the window by his bed, gazing up at the twinkling stars shining so brightly in the expansive darkness. In a few months, he’d be sucked back into that darkness, too.
Really, he was starting to realize he probably shouldn’t have gone on this trip to help investigate things. If he had been traveling around by himself finding fun where he could find it and goofing around without a care for the consequences, it would have been fine. Now that he’s spent this time with someone he could consider a friend, though…
Wei Wuxian huffs, crossing his arms as he continues gazing out at the stars in the sky. Maybe it would’ve even been fine if he had been traveling with the teenage Lan Wangji that had rejected him at every proposal and seemed to scorn even just his very name. At least then, things wouldn’t have become like this between them.
Wei Wuxian really couldn’t understand it. Why did this Lan Wangji seem to care so much?
***
Wei Wuxian finds a solution. It takes a lot of effort and at some point he had almost given up, but eventually he finds a way to stay alive past the year he was given.
It had happened purely by chance; while they were in a restaurant, he’d overheard an ex-cultivator waiter speaking. The man was never able to really forge a golden core and gave up pursuing cultivation, but not before he learned of spells regarding exchanges of the soul.
Of course, the man hadn’t been speaking about anything demonic-related and it was in a different realm than nefarious summoning arrays, but the concepts were still about the same. When Wei Wuxian had thought about it some and connected the pieces, the solution was so obvious he couldn’t believe how hard headed he’d been.
For about fifteen seconds, he’d been excited.
Then the reality had slammed into him, and he had become even more resigned to his fate of dying once his year was up.
The solution was obvious, when one thought about it– the basis of the array was an agreement between the souls of the two people who participated. One soul was completely destroyed and ripped apart in return for the soul of a ferocious ghost or similar being to replace the original host’s in their body.
In such an agreement, there were only two souls involved. However, adding a third soul to the mix changed things. If someone were to form a soul bond with him and therefore offer some of their soul to the agreement, while they would lose years from their lifespan as the cost of becoming involved in such a nefarious exchange, Wei Wuxian would be able to live on normally from that point onwards.
Such a solution might as well be the same as not having a solution at all. How could Wei Wuxian possibly form a soul bond with someone?
Not only would it shave some years off their life, it would also tie their soul to his own. If anything happened to his soul, theirs would be affected, and vice versa. It was one of the deepest bonds two people could forge and also one of the riskiest. Once it was done, there was no going back. From that point on, even in death, you would forever be tied to that person. Who would possibly make such a commitment?
Not only does Wei Wuxian not have anyone who would agree to form such a bond with him, but even if he did, if he cared that much about a person he definitely wouldn’t do such a thing to them. Shave years off of their life? Tie their life so closely with his own that if anything happened to him, it would harm them, too? He couldn’t do that. He could never do something like that to someone he loved.
In the end, he’s back to square one. Now that he knows there really is no solution though, something lifts off his heart. No longer would he be worrying himself and wasting time trying to find a solution. From now on, he’d just try his best to enjoy the year he had left.
It was already enough of an opportunity to have been given such a chance. Wei Wuxian wasn’t a good person; He had killed thousands of people, had stolen his shijie’s life, had left Jin Ling as an orphan. Even just a year was more than enough time for someone like him– he shouldn’t ask for anything more.
It’s what he tells himself. When he thinks about the little juniors though, about Jingyi and Sizhui, about Jin Ling and even Old Man Qiren… when he thinks about Lan Wangji, he…
Wei Wuxian sighs. Maybe it would have been better if he’d never come back at all.
***
Wei Wuxian doesn’t know what to say. He doesn’t–
“The only mistake he has ever made in his life is you! Yet you say… you say you didn’t know.”
Disappointment and anger and frustration drip off every word that leaves Lan Xichen’s mouth. Wei Wuxian can only stand there, frozen.
He really… he really hadn’t known. He truly hadn’t known about everything Lan Wangji had done for him… the whips, Nightless City, the seclusion… he really…
Suddenly, regret and terror fill Wei Wuxian. Lan Wangji didn’t know he remembered pretty much nothing from the massacre that had happened at Nightless City. He didn’t know that Wei Wuxian didn’t know his feelings. To him, all this time, what were Wei Wuxian’s attempts to disgust him must have been…
Wei Wuxian feels sick. All he can think of in that moment is that he has to get back to Lan Wangji, has to tell him how he really felt, has to tell him that he’s sorry.
He’s about to turn and run all the way back to the inn, before freezing.
Even if he revealed his feelings to Lan Wangji, then what?
He was still cursed. Once a full year passed from the first day he had come back in this body, he would die, and this time, he wouldn’t be coming back. Even if he told Lan Wangji, what would that do? It’s not as if they could be together. In fact, wouldn’t it be more cruel to reveal his feelings to him now only to leave again in only a few months?
Wei Wuxian’s mouth opens and closes, his legs trembling. He couldn’t do that.
After everything he’s learned Lan Wangji has done for him, how awfully he had suffered, he has no doubts that if he told him about the situation he would agree to bond his soul with his own without a moment’s hesitation.
The problem was that it didn’t come without a cost. If Lan Wangji did that, he would lose an unspecified amount of his lifespan. It could be an insubstantial amount or it could be twenty, thirty, forty years, depending on how unlucky he was. How could Wei Wuxian possibly do that to someone who cared for him so deeply? Who he cared for?
He couldn't.
In the end, though he wants to move, his legs stay rooted in place.
Lan Xichen gazes at him with a look of disappointment, but it hardly reaches Wei Wuxian. In this moment, no one could be more disappointed in him than himself.
A gasp rips from his throat when suddenly, he feels something very thin and sharp press against the sensitive skin of his neck. In his state of confusion and regret, he hadn’t been paying attention to his surroundings and Jin Guangyao had snuck up behind him.
If he hadn’t been disappointed in himself before, the feeling is even more powerful now. Half of himself thinks it would be better if this was how he died; Right now, without having to face Lan Wangji. No matter what, Wei Wuxian was going to die once a year passed. If he couldn’t confess his feelings to Lan Wangji without inevitably hurting him and if he couldn’t clear up what had happened between them earlier at the inn, then…
“Ah, as expected,” Jin Guangyao pleasantly says. “Look, Wei-gongzi. Hanguang-jun has arrived.”
Wei Wuxian looks up to see Lan Wangji gazing at him from the front of Guanyin Temple. He goes pale when he sees the almost translucent string wrapped around Wei Wuxian’s throat.
Aside from the paleness he looks the same as he usually does, and Wei Wuxian finds himself seized by nervousness. His stomach seems to tie knots of anxiety, he feels sick. He’s stricken between blurting out everything he wants to say and not saying anything at all. In the end, his mouth stays shut.
Jin Guangyao has Lan Wangji step back, before making him sheathe Bichen. Eventually, he even has him seal his spiritual meridians. Wei Wuxian can only helplessly watch, not a single sound leaving him.
The longer he looks at Lan Wangji, the more impossible he finds it not to say anything at all. After learning of everything Lan Wangji had done for him, after learning he felt the same way, it feels like he has to. And so, he suddenly blurts, “Lan Zhan! I…I…”
I have something to tell you.
“I…”
Lan Wangji is looking in his direction, gazing at him with worried amber eyes. His gaze flashes between him and the string wrapped around his neck.
I…
Wei Wuxian opens his mouth.
And closes it.
“What was that, Wei-gongzi? Were you going to say something?” Jin Guangyao asks, and Wei Wuxian closes his eyes. Lowers his head.
Saying what he wanted to say would just make everything worse. Confessing to Lan Wangji would only hurt him. And so, in the end, he can only mumble, “...I’m sorry, Lan Zhan.”
I’m sorry for everything. I’m sorry you had to go through so much for me. I’m sorry I didn’t remember. I’m sorry I tormented you so much. I’m sorry I can’t say to you what I want to say. I’m sorry I came back only to leave you again.
I’m sorry.
Wei Wuxian can’t bring himself to see whatever emotions might be flashing through Lan Wangji’s eyes. He keeps his head down.
The string around his neck slackens, until it completely drops. Seeing that he had completely rid Lan Wangji of all his defenses, Jin Guangyao releases Wei Wuxian.
Even he seems disappointed. “Really, poor Hanguang-Jun.”
He begins walking away somewhere and Wei Wuxian can only stand there, his head lowered.
Eventually, snow-white boots fill his vision, and a quiet voice calls out, “...Wei Ying?”
Wei Wuxian can’t look at him.
“Were you hurt?” Lan Wangji worriedly asks.
“...I’m okay.”
“Then…”
Wei Wuxian continues looking down at the snow-white boots he’s so familiar with. Suddenly, he’s so filled with so much shame and regret he can hardly bear to continue standing there anymore, not when he knows how intently Lan Wangji is staring at him.
“I’m okay,” he repeats. Then, still without looking up, he moves to the other side of the room.
Lan Wangji doesn’t follow after him. Wei Wuxian can’t tell if he’s disappointed or relieved.
***
In the end, everything is resolved. The secret behind the cursed arm, Jin Guangyao’s corruption; everything except the situation between Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji.
While making sure everything had been properly resolved, Wei Wuxian had followed along with Lan Wangji. Now that things had settled down, there was no reason for them to be together anymore.
And so, after a teary reunion with Sizhui in which he had clung to Wei Wuxian’s and Lan Wangji’s robes and cried about how he remembered, about how he knew, Wei Wuxian had been given the final push to go away. Now that he’s gotten so attached to everyone, now that everyone has gotten so attached to him, it would only end up hurting them and himself if he stayed around for any longer.
As they’re walking with Little Apple, Wei Wuxian asks Lan Wangji if he can go grab some food for them at the nearby market.
Up until this point it was obvious Lan Wangji had noticed something was off about Wei Wuxian, but whenever he asked about it, he never got a definitive answer. Even now when he asks again with worried eyes, Wei Wuxian only smiles at him, making sure to crinkle his eyes the way he knew made his smiles look genuine.
“I’m fine, Lan Zhan. Really,” he lies. Even now, something uncomfortable still twists through his gut whenever he looks at Lan Wangji for too long, and so he can only look at him for a moment before turning his gaze away. “...I’m just hungry. All this running around has gotten me working up an appetite. I’m always in a weird mood when I’m hungry.”
Lan Wangji gazes at him as if waiting for him to say more. When Wei Wuxian doesn’t, fiddling with his sleeves, he sighs. “...I will return soon. Is there anything in particular you would like?”
“Anything is fine,” Wei Wuxian offhandedly says.
Nodding, Lan Wangji looks at him again before turning around, beginning to walk towards where the nearby market was.
For a long time, Wei Wuxian gazes at his back; at his long hair falling down his shoulders like fresh ink, at his pristine white robes that have reminded him of funeral clothes for as long as he could remember.
He isn’t sure he’s ever loved someone so much. How funny was it that he’d only learned to have such feelings for someone in a time where it could never work?
Goodbye, Lan Zhan, he silently mouths. After looking after him for a little longer, Wei Wuxian writes a short note and pins it to a nearby tree, grabbing Little Apple and hopping on.
“Take us far away from here.”
***
Wei Wuxian doesn’t head anywhere in particular. All he knows is that he has to go as far as he possibly can from everyone he knows, everyone he loves. It would be easier for everyone this way– easier for him to leave and easier for them to deal with after he was gone. It would be better if one day he had just suddenly disappeared rather than them knowing he had passed.
Really, he hadn’t expected to get so attached to anyone. When he had first come back in this body, he hadn’t had any worldly attachments at all and had been completely free and unrestrained. This was a second life that was a completely clean slate, is what he’d thought.
He passes through large cities and shabby little villages, all the while keeping a large bamboo hat on to hide his identity, pinning his hair back into a bun. Like this, he does exactly what he’d planned on doing from the beginning, simply going wherever the wind took him and doing whatever he liked. He chases pheasants, eats delicious food, steals lotus pods, fiddles with talismans.
It’s not the same.
Wei Wuxian can’t relax, can’t let himself loose. Every time he began to grow truly distracted and feel himself unwind, he would remember the ones he’d loved, the ones he’d left, and any good mood he might have been in would drain away.
Even Little Apple seems to notice the difference. Usually a stubborn donkey who didn’t particularly like him, he’s been especially less rowdy and troublesome these days when he sees Wei Wuxian isn’t in a very good mood. Wei Wuxian realizes he’s grown fond of this stinky old companion of his and makes a mental note to leave him in good hands when he’s gone.
Months pass. He’s never in one place, hardly ever spending more than a day somewhere before he continues traveling on. As the time passes by though, he can’t help but notice how tired he feels, how much more exhausted and weary he gets.
At first he just thinks it’s because of his low mood draining what little energy he has, but as more time passes and his health noticeably gets worse, he starts to realize maybe it wasn’t that. He begins to suspect the one year limit wasn’t as cut and dry as that he’d simply drop dead once a year passed. It seemed that the more time passed, the more his health declined.
Traveling becomes increasingly difficult. Every few hours he has to take a break to rest, he gets out of breath easier. While he had been making money by taking on odd jobs and doing a commission or two, he finds it becomes harder with his sudden drops of energy.
The days drag by, slow and mundane, increasingly dull no matter how many activities he does or people he talks to. The days drag by, but eventually, nearly a full year passes.
While he’d made sure to keep track of the time and knows he’s in the last month because of that, the awful state of his health is a pretty telling indicator in itself. He isn’t sure of the exact amount of time he has left– a week, two weeks maybe, but it’s increasingly obvious that his days are numbered.
He wants to see Jingyi and Jin Ling, wants to see Sizhui, Wen Ning, hell, even Jiang Cheng. He wants to see Lan Wangji.
He doesn’t want to die without seeing them again.
He can’t, though. And so, he continues on with his days, telling himself to appreciate all these things he wouldn’t be able to enjoy once he died.
It doesn’t matter that instead of all these things and activities, the real thing he would enjoy was being able to talk to those people one last time.
***
It happens one day just after the sun has set: Wei Wuxian is wearily riding Little Apple towards a town in the hopes of finding an inn to stay for the night when he can’t hold himself up for any longer.
Feeling dizzy and weak, he collapses, falling off of Little Apple and into a heap in the grass. Black spots his vision and every part of him is sore, but though he weakly paws at the grass, he can’t find the strength to get up.
For a while he finds himself laying there and taking in strained breaths. He wonders if this is it for him, if he’d kneel over right here in this grass after falling off a donkey of all things. A part of himself can’t help but be relieved that all of this is almost over. These last months, all he’d really been doing was waiting for death, anyway.
Honestly, by this point it felt as if it was coming too slowly. Since when did single years take so long to pass? How much longer would he have to stay clinging to this dreary and bland life?
Wei Wuxian closes his eyes, finding his body going limp.
He’s so tired.
It’s quiet as he lays there. A gentle night breeze brushes against his cheeks, the barely-there sounds of tree branches swaying meeting his ears. For the first time in a long time, he finds something like peace encompassing him. As he sinks into the fatigue that wraps its arms around him, he finds himself more at peace than he’s been in a long time.
His breathing slows.
“...ei Yin…”
It’s muffled, but Wei Wuxian distantly feels as if he can hear his name being called. He can’t help but sadly smile. Really, what he would give to hear Lan Wangji’s voice again.
“...Wei Ying! Wei…”
This time it sounds closer, and his eyes flutter open in confusion. Though he thought he’d been hearing things earlier, suddenly the voice really does sound real, as if Lan Wangji is really nearby. With some effort, he raises his head to try and get a look.
Suddenly, the feeling of strong arms grabbing him and pulling him up encompasses him. He’s surrounded by the familiar scent of sandalwood, and he slowly looks up. Amber eyes meet his.
“Lan…Zhan? What are you doing here?”
Lan Wangji takes in a shuddered breath, almost seeming as if he might cry. The look on his face is so incredibly worried and relieved and confused as he pulls Wei Wuxian up into his lap.
“Wei Ying, what is wrong? Are you hurt? What happened?”
For these past few months, all Wei Wuxian could think of was this person. This person, and his eyes that were always so full of emotion. He never thought he’d be able to see them again.
Suddenly, he finds his vision growing blurry. “Lan Zhan…”
He wants to bury himself into his arms, but then he remembers why he had even gone away in the first place and freezes.
This doesn’t go unnoticed by Lan Wangji, who even more urgently asks, “What is the matter?”
“I…” Wei Wuxian suddenly weakly pushes him away, shaking his head. “Go away. You shouldn’t be here, I left for a reason, go away–”
Though he tries to wriggle and jerk away, Lan Wangji only holds him tighter. His arms are trembling. “...What are you talking about? A reason?”
Suddenly realizing he had said something wrong, Wei Wuxian’s mouth snaps shut, his eyes blurring with even more tears.
He had just wanted to leave and remove himself from everyone to not hurt him, to avoid being a burden. Why was this happening now? Lan Wangji was the last person he…
“Let me go! Lan Zhan, I’m serious, let me go!” Wei Wuxian cries out, twisting and turning.
By now Lan Wangji’s grip on him is so strong it almost feels as if he’s going to be squeezed to death. “Why did you suddenly leave? What happened?”
Wei Wuxian had already been weak in the first place. After exhausting the rest of his energy, he no longer has the strength to fight against Lan Wangji’s hold and can only mumble, “Let me go… let me go…”
After a moment of silence, Lan Wangji takes in a shuddered breath. “...Was it because of me?”
Wei Wuxian hadn’t planned on telling him anything. His plan had been to just slip away and keep his situation to himself, for everyone’s good. When he hears how hurt Lan Wangji sounds though, how his voice trembles, something in himself cracks.
“Oh Lan Zhan, how could any of this be your fault? It’s all me.” Wei Wuxian gazes up at him with teary eyes. “It was all me. You didn’t do anything wrong, Lan Zhan. I just…”
Lan Wangji looks at him with slightly wet eyes, as if he doesn't believe him, and Wei Wuxian breaks.
He tells him about the mishap in the array. He tells him about the year he has left. He tells him about his feelings for him.
He does not tell him about the solution.
“I love you, Lan Zhan,” Wei Wuxian mumbles into Lan Wangji’s chest. “I’ve loved you for a long time. Even before I realized it, I think.”
Lan Wangji’s arms tremble from where they’re wrapped around him. In fact, his entire body uncontrollably shakes.
The entire time Wei Wuxian had been speaking, he hadn’t uttered a word. Now that he was done, he still doesn’t say anything.
Wei Wuxian looks up at him. “...Lan Zhan?”
He doesn’t think he’s ever seen such a shattered look on Lan Wangji’s face before.
Lan Wangji shakes his head, as if in disbelief. “No… a year… it…”
“This is it for me, Lan Zhan. It was a fluke I even came back in the first place,” Wei Wuxian mumbles.
“No… there must be a solution.” Lan Wangji speaks as if he’s trying to convince himself, his deep voice trembling. “There must be a way. Wei Ying is not dying. You…”
Wei Wuxian closes his eyes, his bone-deep exhaustion from earlier making its rounds again. Suddenly, he feels so exhausted it’s difficult to even continue talking. As he feels himself going limp in Lan Wangji’s arms though, all he can think is of how glad he is that he got to see Lan Wangji again. Though he knows it’s selfish, to be held like this one last time, to smell this scent one last time… it makes him happy.
His eyes close, his breathing slowing, and Lan Wangji freezes. In a panic, he places his hands on Wei Wuxian’s shoulders. “Wei Ying? Wei Ying!”
Wei Wuxian has never heard his voice sound so panicked and frightened as he frantically shakes Wei Wuxian’s shoulders. It doesn’t take long before he feels something wet and warm drop on his cheek, and he's just barely able to open his eyes to see that Lan Wangji is crying.
Unable to bear the sight, he closes them again. He wants to apologize, but his lips can’t seem to find the strength to form any words.
After a moment longer of shaking him and calling his name, Lan Wangji suddenly starts trying to pick him up. “I will take you to someone… a d-doctor, they will be able to help you—”
Wei Wuxian weakly pushes a hand against his chest. Though he doesn’t say anything, words aren’t needed for what he wants to say: That isn’t necessary.
They both knew going to a doctor was useless. This was a curse that had been brought on through an agreement involving a devious soul summoning array. No normal doctor would be able to help. Even Wei Wuxian, someone who was arguably one of the most intune with demonic art, didn’t have any solutions he could use.
Lan Wangji seems stricken between whether to pick him up or keep him there. In the end, he seems to realize taking him anywhere won’t do anything because he sits back down, pulling Wei Wuxian into his arms and holding him. Though it’s obvious he’s trying to hold himself back, he can’t suppress the light sniffles that leave him, nor can he reign in the irregular jumping of his chest.
“Why did you not tell anyone…?” Lan Wangji wetly whispers.
Wei Wuxian can’t answer. He can’t move. It takes everything in him not to give in to the growing urge to fall asleep and sink into unconsciousness.
“Why did you keep this to yourself?” Lan Wangji asks.
“...Why will you not say anything?”
“Wei Ying… do not go to sleep. You cannot.”
“Try your best to stay awake. Wei Ying…”
Lan Wangji’s voice breaks on something that sounds suspiciously like a sob.
“Please…”
I’m sorry.
I love you.
In the last string of consciousness Wei Wuxian clings to, those are the last two things that come to mind. In the next moment, he finds his mind drawing completely blank.
His breathing stops.
***
There’s a feeling of soft lips pressing to his own. They’re wet and warm, tasting faintly of salt.
It’s warm and comfortable. Around him, he’s surrounded by a scent he’s loved ever since he can remember, the scent of sandalwood. Strong arms wrap around him and stroke his hair.
Wei Wuxian’s eyes flutter open.
How am I…
Wet amber eyes stare back at him. They’re puffy and red, overflowing with tears. When they see Wei Wuxian is awake, they go very wide. Suddenly, Wei Wuxian is buried into a strong chest as Lan Wangji lets out a wet sob, holding him tightly.
Exhaustion still clings to him and his head hurts, but he doesn’t feel nearly as bad as he had for the past day, past few months, really, and Wei Wuxian can only sit there with wide eyes.
How was he alive? What happened? From what he knew, the only way to get rid of the curse was to bond his soul with someone else’s. The last he checked, he hadn’t. So how did this…
As he tries to think, his head pounding, Lan Wangji suddenly takes his face into his large hands, gazing at him with an expression of panic and fear and relief. “...Wei Ying? Can you hear me?”
“I…” Wei Wuxian croaks. “Lan Zhan, I…”
Upon hearing him speak, more tears sprout from Lan Wangji’s eyes. He suddenly presses a kiss to Wei Wuxian’s lips before moving on to kiss his nose, his cheeks, his forehead. Eventually, he lets out a shaky breath and pulls Wei Wuxian back into a hug.
“You are okay…” Lan Wangji whispers. “Wei Ying is okay.”
Wei Wuxian then remembers how exactly it was that two people formed soul bonds.
Despite the impact and seriousness of having a bond, the process itself was actually rather simple: At the same time, the two people who wished to go through with the process would have to think of each other and the tying of their souls. It couldn’t just be a fleeting thought; It would have to be genuine, desperate, almost obsessive. In their heart, they would have to truly have the wish to stay with the other person for the rest of their life and into death. Only then would the bond form.
Upon realizing what had happened, tears spring to Wei Wuxian’s eyes. He hadn’t wanted Lan Wangji to do such a thing because of the repercussions, and so he had purposefully hidden the information from him. Despite hiding it though, even when he didn’t know anything, despite it all, he had still…
Wei Wuxian should be angry. He should be exasperated. Instead, he can’t stop the tears that pour from his eyes as he tightly grips Lan Wangji back, laughing as tears rush down his cheeks.
He couldn’t be angry. After all, it hadn’t only been Lan Wangji. The bond would only form if both people involved fully and truly wished for it to.
“Lan Zhan, you really…”
With a wet laugh, Wei Wuxian presses his lips to Lan Wangji’s.
For a long time they stay that way, clinging to one another. As Wei Wuxian closes his eyes, relishing in the feeling of absolute warmth and comfort that surrounds him, he realizes he doesn’t know what he’d been thinking.
How could he ever leave this?