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Chapter Text

  "I love you!" the woman on the TV sighs dramatically and pulls herself closer to the man. 

  "I love you too," and their faces inches closer to each other and-

The sound of the TV shutting off and turning to a black screen makes Harumi snap out of his thoughts. It's only then that he notices Akihiko shifting in his seat on the sofa beside him.

  "How can you even watch this?" Akihiko moans, sinking further into the soft couch. His face is covered with a pillow with his arms held securely around it. Harumi snatches the remote from his hands and snickers at him.

  "Why, is it embarrassing? " He tilts his head down at his friend, who is basically lying down at this point with his feet on the floor. Akihiko throws the pillow at his friend who catches it easily.

  " Yes , can't we watch something else?"

  "Uh-huh, sure. What do you want to watch then?"

  "Literally anything else." They fall into a comfortable silence, listening to the tapping rain hitting the window. " Rain can be really comforting.

Rain… he thinks. Wait, rain?

Akihiko looks out the window and sees the dark and angry clouds covering the sky. You gotta be kidding me! Woosh, rain. Go away.

Harumi looks at him with a frown on his face. "What's wrong?" he asks, fidgeting slightly with the hem of his pink cardigan.

  "I think I forgot my jacket at home. Hey- Don't laugh! " but Harumi only laughs even harder at that, throwing his head back, making some of his bangs follow with the motion. "I was late for school, which by the way was the reason I couldn't answer you this morning," he continues. Harumi's now sitting on the couch with his arms around his legs, resting his head on his arms as he grins at his friend. 

  "That sounds like a you -problem."

  "It is a me-problem, I'm just saying that-" There's a flash of light outside the window that momentarily lights the sky up, making both boys quiet from their previous bickering. A strong thunder makes the windows rattle and the hissing rain bucket down like a waterfall .

  "There's no way I can walk home in this weather," he grumbles to himself, forgetting his friend's presence for a second.

  "I have a jacket you could borrow," Harumi tabs in. Akihiko turn around to look at him with his eyebrows raised to his hairline.

  "If-if that's okay, I don't mean to intrude…" but Harumi slaps his shoulder jokingly, " Yes, it's okay. I wouldn't have suggested it otherwise, Sherlock." Harumi gets up from the sofa and cracks his fingers above his head. Akihiko feels something vibrating in his pocket and fishes out his phone.

3 messages from his sister. One from his older brother. He quickly swipes away the messages his sister sent him, I'll read them later , and instead opens his brother's—

His mind turns blank as he reads the sentence.

  I just received your test results. Akihiko holds his breath, a lump growing in his throat.

  I'm disappointed in you, Akihiko. 389 out of 400? I got 400 when I was your age. You can't expect success if you're just lazing around. Don't disappoint me again. Call you soon

His head feels heavy and the room is too hot. His clothes feel impossibly tight and uncomfortable, like thousands of knives are sticking to his skin and it burns . It's as if a thick layer of smoke is surrounding the room, making it hard to breathe. His ears are ringing. He wants to gasp for air but can't.

  I'm disappointed in you, disappointed in me, don't disappoint me, lazy, laz—

A groan snaps Akihiko out of his thoughts and the room turns back to normal. He notices Harumi standing in front of him. When did he get there? 

"I'm sorry, I can't find my—" His eyes widen at the sight of thick, hot tears falling down Akihiko's cheeks. The boy quickly wipes them away in horror with his sleeve and mumbles, 'I'm sorry, I'm so sorry."

The silence from Harumi makes him freeze in fear as he looks up again, noticing that Harumi isn't there.

  He left, he left, just like brother did, he thinks I'm a fool now-

But then there's a hand rubbing soft circles on his back. A shaky breath he didn't know he'd been holding escapes his mouth.

  "You okay?" Harumi asks, despite knowing the answer.

Akihiko keeps his eyes fixed in his lap and nods. An obvious lie, he knows, but shaking his head would mean he'd have to explain what had happened and—

Harumi lays the tissue box in his lap and the soft, white tissues come into focus and– Come on, brain, concentrate!

  "You don't have to tell me. But… I'm here if you wanna talk."

He nods absently, not meeting his gaze.

  "I couldn't find my jacket, uhm, I think it's still at school… But you could stay here for the night?" he suggests.

He freezes for a second.

  "If you want to, of course. Otherwise I'll just, like, find an umbrella, if I have one…" Harumi rambles on.

Akihiko considers this. If he went home, his family would ask what happened. And if staying here means he can avoid their worried expressions and glances, then maybe it wouldn't hurt staying for the night.

    "Okay," he says finally. He looks up at Harumi and smiles gently.

Chapter Text

 Maybe this was a bad decision. 

Akihiko is sitting on Harumi's bed, sinking into the soft mattress. He drags his hand over the smooth sheets back and forth. It smells like cleaned laundry and perfume and considering his friend's tons of shampoo bottles in his bathroom, it was probably expected for everything to be neat and clean.

The air feels thick with an earthy smell from the previous rain. The moonlight from outside the window lights up the room. It's enough light for Akihiko to be able to look at the tons of pictures that's hung up on the wall grid.

There are photos taken in London, noticeably the Big Ben, of food, people…

  "Oh, you're looking at those again?" Harumi interrupts, making Akihiko turn to the door where the boy's standing with his arms behind him, leaning against the doorframe with his head tilted to the side.

Akihiko rubs his neck sheepishly, feeling the heat crawl up his neck, "Sorry, they're just very pretty."

Harumi scoffs lightly and turns his head away so that his eyes are hidden behind his bangs. He wants to see that reaction again. He wants to know what he's thinking and feeling but his own thoughts are stopped by a soft fabric suddenly hitting him in the face. "Wear this."

  "What's this?" He raises the piece of clothing to eye level.

  "Pajamas, dummy."

  "Oh, thanks."

  "You know," Harumi steps into the room and leans against the table, holding himself up with his hands behind him on the desk. "The word dummy kinda reminds me of something."

Akihiko raises himself from the bed and slowly walks towards his friend, keeping his head tilted down warningly.

  " No, don't you even dare- "

  " Bunn-" Akihiko covers Harumi's mouth with his hands and can't stop the laugh coming from him when Harumi tries to escape by pushing the boy away. He can't, though, as he's still trapped between Akihiko and the desk and instead sits on the desk with Akihiko between his legs. 

  "Stop— I was," Harumi tries to say between his mouth being covered and from his own laughter making it hard to speak, "just joking—"

The moment from half an hour ago felt like a weak memory waiting to be erased and was now replaced by uncontrollable fits of laughter echoing in the room. 

When they've calmed down, Akihiko says, "We should probably go to bed..."

They don't. Because of course they don't.

  "Is this what your bad sleeping habits are like?" Akihiko jokes, looking up at the dark ceiling. He can feel Harumi's eyes looking at him beside him.

  " Bad sleeping habits? What, do you go to bed at 9pm or something?" He pushes his legs up from the floor to sit with his legs crossed on the bed, knee touching Akihiko's thigh.

Akihiko scoffs and nudges his shoulder, his head and back scrubbing against the wall they're leaning against.

Silence stretches out the room. Outside the open window, there are people chatting. Seconds turn into minutes, minutes turn into hours, and somewhere there between, his eyelids are starting to feel heavy and he dozes off into the night.

Chapter Text

The sound of an alarm beeping loudly is what wakes Harumi up in the morning. His head is throbbing and his mouth is dry. He groans as he twists and turns in the sheets. His bones are tired and he feels exhausted and energetic at the same time. And if it hadn't been for the siren going off, he'd stayed in his bed for a little longer.

He opens his eyes, blinking a few times to adjust to the sunlight that beams into the room. Harumi looks around him, trying to recall where he is and what had happened last night. He sits up lazily on the bed, only to spot his friend sleeping next to him. Oh, right. He was supposed to sleep on the sofa but he must've fallen asleep in his bed instead.

Harumi can't help the soft smile stretching over his face as studies his friend quietly. Aki is lying on his side with his arms hugging the pillow. His pajamas are wrinkled and revealing a bit of his stomach. It looks ridiculous, really. He's breathing small puffs of air, making the hair in his face blow slightly.

Harumi lays down again, this time facing his friend. It's like he wants to do something but he doesn't know what. 

  His hair looks soft. 

He raises his hand to tuck a piece of hair behind Aki's ear, feeling his smooth hair on the tips of his fingers. Am I dreaming?

The room is quiet, except for some birds chattering and singing outside. But all Harumi can focus on is the boy in front of him, and the beating of his heart and buzzing in his ears. He never wants to leave.

Aki starts tossing around. His closed eyes furrow and then he blinks. Their eyes meet. Being caught for staring, Harumi feels the heat crawling up his neck and he freezes in place.
  "Good morning," Aki says, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes with his fist. He stretches his legs out on the bed and picks his phone up from the floor.

  "'Morning," Harumi says quickly, feeling the air being sucked out of him. "What time is it?"

  "6 o'clock." 

Harumi sighs and sits up, resting his back against the wall with his legs drawn to his chest. 

Aki looks at him, a smile stretching his face. "Your hair is a mess."

  "You should see yourself right now," he retorts, tilting his head to the side. "Hungry?"
He nods. "Starving."

Chapter Text

  "No, please, stop, don't leave me!"

Sweat is running down his forehead.

  "I'm begging you, I'll do better."

He grips his brother's wrist so hard that his nails are digging into his skin, leaving red marks. "Let go, Akihiko."

  "Not until you tell me what to do!" he cries. His knees and legs feel restless, as if he wants to run somewhere but he doesn't know where. "I can fix this, I swear!"

The wrist is pulled out of his grip and he can hear his brother scowl but he can't focus properly. He feels sick.

Before he can stop it, vomit is coming up his throat and he gags over the floor. That disgusting smell sticks in his nose, it's making him wanna throw up again. Drool and other smelly, disgusting body fluids drip from the corners of his mouth. His throat is burning and his rapid heartbeat feels like it's gonna escape his chest at any time.

Akihiko looks shamefully down at his knees, his hands clenching his knees. Anxiety is twisting his stomach like a knife and his chest feels so tight, that he has trouble breathing properly. He can only chip for air, his stomach growing in and out for each short breath.

  "Weak," he says and scoffs bitterly. Or was it his brother who said it? He doesn't know anymore; Akihiko and his brother's vision of him are pretty much the same.

His brother approaches him again, he knows, because he can feel his shadow towering over him. Bracing himself for what's about to come; a slap, discouragement, humiliation, he clenches his jaw and swallows thickly. The bitter taste of vomit makes him gag again and his body shivers in goosebumps.

But his brother simply places a hand on his head. And Akihiko literally starts shaking. His eyes go wide in shock; he does not dare to even move or breathe. Everything he sees turns blurry as his eyes are flooded with tears.

  "Don't cry, brother."

He can't stop crying.

  "I know you've done your best."

Has he though?

  "I'm proud of you."

Are you though? he bit his bottom lip from saying, hard enough to make a small bruise, and he can taste the blood and metal filling his mouth.

He remembers when he and Harumi had talked about his brother. Akihiko had finally opened up to him about his family. About the alcoholism, how his parents were rarely around. "When no one was there to take care of me, my brother did. I just wish I could repay him somehow. But the only way I can do that, is to live up to his expectations and all the great opportunities he's created for me."

He'd told Harumi about what felt like everything about his family. The fighting, empty bottles of beer scattered around the floor and constant smell of cigarettes (one time the neighbors had complained about the smell), but most of all he had spoken about the person he looked up to the most.

  "He's done so much for me. Because of him, I basically already have my career chosen for me, and as long as I follow the path he's set for me, I'm likely to succeed."

Harumi had not said anything up to that point, simply listening and nodding, encouraging him to continue. But then he spoke.

  "But is that what you really want?"

  "What do you mean?"

Akihiko had looked up at him, wiping his eyes (swollen from crying) with the sleeve of his shirt.

  "I don't want to meddle in something I'm not a part of, but taken from what you've told me… It sounds like your brother's abusing you."

His brain short circuited. 

Abuse? 

After everything great his brother had done for him…

No, that's not abuse.

It's not.

  "Just… Hear me out."  

Harumi had told him there were other kinds of abuse, not just the physical. 

It all came as a shock to him, making his head dizzy and confused. 

  He said, "I'm sorry, Harumi, but you're wrong. He's done nothing but great things for me and he's not abusing me at all. I'm sorry I made you think that he was—"

  "Hold on, don't apologize," Harumi had stopped him. His eyebrows were furrowed, he noticed. "I was the one sticking my nose in your business. I should be the one apologizing."

  "What? No way, you let me vent to you— I should be thanking you, no, I am thanking you— thank you—"

  "—The hell? You're just speaking gibberish now. Let's just call it even," Harumi had declared and smiled. Then they fell to the floor in laughter at how silly and ridiculous the conversation was getting. Akihiko's sister had even knocked on the door, asking them if they were okay because she was hearing a lot of noise coming from his room.

He smiles at the memory. He wonders what Harumi might be doing at the moment and he picks up his phone to text him.

  "Who you texting?" his brother asks and Akihiko's heart freezes, having completely forgotten his brother standing behind him.

  "Ah, just a friend. The one I told you about. His name is Harumi."

  "Harumi… Isn't that a girl name?"

  "Mhm." He types out a message on his phone. "I asked him if I could come over to his house and study. Right now. That's cool with you, right?"

Chapter Text

They're together sitting on Harumi's couch, watching a reality show. It's a show about groups of people traveling through countries for a competition for a big prize money. Textbooks and sheets of paper, long ago forgotten, are messily spread all over the coffee table from their previous studies.

  "Dude, I swear, I would've won that so easily," Harumi states.

Aki scoffs. "You wouldn't even make it to Thailand."

  "Oh, try me. I made it from America to Japan."

  "By airplane. That's totally different."

  "Well, it's still easy. You just gotta have the right contacts."

  "That's cheating, though."

  "Only if you're caught."

They laugh and Harumi's stomach and chest aches, but not from laughing. It's tight and it itches. His back and neck hurts as well.

  "I gotta change my shirt. be right back," Harumi says and disappears into his room.

He takes his shirt off and throws it on the bed. Then he pulls the binder off his chest, sighing in relief; his ribs aching from having it on all day. The first times he used a binder, it was very uncomfortable, but he's gotten used to it.

From the living room he can hear his phone starting to ring. "Harumi, it says your dad's calling you," Aki shouts.

  "Got it!"

Harumi pulls the binder over his chest again, ignoring the pain it caused and his body's protests. He looks around the room for a t-shirt to put on, only to find Aki was standing right in the doorway. He's holding his phone in his hand. Blood draines from his face. 

Both of them freeze. The phone rings again, and Aki looks like he realized what he's done and immediately turns away. "I'm so sorry! I thought you were done, I'm sorry!"

Harumi could only stand there. His heart felt like it was gonna escape his chest. He swallows thickly and his voice cracks as he speaks.

  "You saw… Right?"

  "Yeah."

  "Fuck, this. Um. This is awkward," he manages to say. His eyes are stinging and he feels a lump forming in his throat.

He reaches for the shirt on the bed and puts it on. 

  "You should probably go."

Without waiting for a response, Harumi hurries past him and locks himself in the bathroom.

  "Harumi, please! Let's talk this out." 

Akihiko knocks on the door again, with a little more force this time. "I'm not mad," he adds.

He can hear his friend's quiet sobbing from inside the bathroom. Akihiko's heart is hammering in his chest and he can literally feel the blood rushing through his veins. Open, please open, he thinks.

Then Harumi finally spoke. "Please leave."

  "Are— Are you sure?"

  "Yes. Just go."

Akihiko doesn't move for a moment. He imagines his friend's horrified face. His stomach twists thinking of it. He stands with his knuckle on the door, not knowing what to do. "No," he says. "I'm sorry, Harumi, but I'm not leaving until we've talked."

A sob. "Why?" His voice is hoarse and slightly cracked.

  "I need you to know I'm not mad at you. At all."

He doesn't respond. 

Akihiko can hear him shuffling on the other side of the door. Then the lock clicks open. He's quiet at the sight of his friend. Harumi's hair is messy and his eyes and cheeks are red. He's lumping against the doorway with one of his hands gripping tight on his other elbow.

  "Let's… Let's talk outside. I can't breathe in here," Harumi mumbles and walks past Akihiko.

  "Oh, okay. Sure." Not knowing where they're going, he follows right behind him.

Neither speaks while they walk down the stairs. The silence is awkward and tense. Akihiko wants to say something , but the words are stuck in his throat. He can only look at Harumi's back and wonder what he's thinking.

They sit together under a big oak, near Harumi's apartment. It's big enough to shield them from the sun. Above them, the white birds, colored black on their wings, heads and feet, are gliding over the sky. They look very peaceful.

  "Okay, so," Harumi begins. He picks the blades of the grass and swirls them around his finger. "I'm trans."

Akihiko looks at him without saying anything.

  "I started my transition a few years ago. I suppose that's partly why I moved to Japan… To get away from everything, you know."

His hair is blowing with the breeze.

A bird lands near them. It's brown and very small. It skips over the ground as if participating in a dance.

Harumi continues. "I never intended to keep it a 'secret' from you. I guess I was just scared. Of what you'd say."

  "No, no, I get it. I'm still… Processing. So, that's the reason why you have a girl name?"

  "Yup." They're both quiet for a moment. "Do you…" The sentence dies in his throat.

Another bird lands next to the brown bird. They pick up red, small berries from a bush. There must've been something that scared them, because suddenly they fly away, dropping the berries while doing so.

Harumi looks up and their eyes lock. His eyes are clear like glass.

  "Do you see me in a different way, now that you know?"

  "No, not at all. I like you. Nothing could ever change that."

The boy looks like he's about to cry again, because the corners of his eyes turn wet, but he just scoffs and turns his head away. "That was so cheesy, dude."

  "Wh— What else was I supposed to say?!"

  "I don't know, I'm not built for these conversations! You figure it out."

Chapter Text

Two months. That's how long it's been since Aki found out…

Nothing about their relationship has changed. At all. He's thankful.

Chapter Text

Because that's what it is, right? Nothing has happened. Nothing has changed. Right?

America tends to be more LGBT-friendly than Japan. There's legal protections and recognition for same-sex relationships. Meanwhile in Japan, same-sex marriage isn't even legal.

God, why is he spiraling? Aki is the one who's supposed to be spiraling, not him.

He knew now that he had nothing against transgender people. It should be the same for gay people, right?

What if he introduced the subject. Just as a tease. Sort of like a confession, but not really. He's just gonna tease him. To see if he supports it.

That sounds bad, doesn't it.

He inhales a deep breath, trying to calm down his rapidly beating heart.

  "I wish we were more."

Aki looks at him. "What do you mean?"

  "I wish we were more than just friends."

  "You mean, like, best friends?"

  "No." He bites his bottom lip. His voice comes out steadier than he expected. "More."

Aki's face turns red and he redirects his gaze to look at the floor. He doesn't say anything for a moment. As if he's processing. Then Aki met his eyes again, a sheepish smile plastered on his face. "Whoa," he huffed a laugh. "Aren't we moving a little too fast now?"

Trying to let him down gently, probably. 

His stomach turns to knots, twisting his insides. Harumi forces a teasing grin at him.

  "What, is that a no?" He tilts his head to the side. 

  "No! I mean— I don't know!"

Harumi laughs at him. "I'm just joking with you, dude. You should see your face right now." 

  "Don't scare me like that!"

Harumi glances at him. The sunlight is shining in his face and his eyes are bright with life. He zips his bag open and raises the camera at his friend. The photo is already taken when Aki tries to cover his hands over his face. "You look so silly in this…" Harumi snickers. 

  "You little…" Aki reaches for the camera. "At least let me see!"

  "Nuh-uh," he chirps and holds it up in the air.

  "What'd you do that for?" Aki huffs. He's not annoyed, although his voice sounds like it; the smile on his face betrays him.

  "Just wanted to take a photo of something pretty."

  "You're being way too cheesy."

He can't help the way his knees go weak at the sight of Aki being relaxed, unguarded, like this. His neck is completely flushed and he looks embarrassed, yet he's still laughing. Who else gets to see this side of him?

Aki was not against the idea of two boys being in love. That's progress. Not that he expected him to be. But it's best to be sure before you ask someone out.

Who is he kidding? He basically just got rejected. Admitting it to himself is like a punch in the stomach. But it's okay, because he doesn't like Aki in that way. He doesn't. Love ruins friendships.

Chapter Text

Aki suffers from night terrors. It was a statement that was over and over rediscussed in Harumi's head. Why does he have them? What does he dream about?

It's really none of his business, yet he can't stop himself from worrying. Is it about his brother? He knows that his brother is very controlling, which was also confirmed by his little brother the time he was studying at Aki's house. 

The first time he noticed them was over a sleepover. That time they argued over who was going to sleep on the floor and the bed. Harumi wanted Aki to sleep on the bed, because he was the guest after all, but the boy kept insisting. In the end they had both agreed that Harumi would take the floor next time.

Harumi's a light sleeper and therefore he's easily woken up. This time the reason was that someone was whining in pain. Said person mumbling in its sleep, "No, no," repeatedly. He looks down at the figure sleeping on the floor under him. When his eyes have readjusted to the dark, he can make out the outline of his face. It feels creepy watching his face like this. Seeing him so unguarded makes him jittery inside even if he'd never admit it. But that feeling dies in him when he realizes. Because Aki looks scared. The type of face you see on a person desperately hiding from something. Or someone. He wants to make it go away. His friend deserves nothing but security and love. 

He turns his flashlight on his phone and directs it to the floor, just in case he were to step on him. And so Harumi shakes his shoulder, waking him up from his slumber. His neck is damp from sweat and the whole room smells like anxiety. He calls out his name, softly. Akhiko whines. Then he opens his eyes.

  "Huh?" he mumbles, voice thick with sleep. 

  "Sorry. You were dreaming."

Aki sits up, rubbing his eyes with the sleeve of his shirt, one that he had borrowed from Harumi. It fits perfectly around his figure; not too tight nor too loose.

  "What time is it?"

Harumi looks at his phone. "Two."

Aki leans against the bed, tilting his head up to the ceiling. He looks tired. His whole body is like a big puddle on the ground. Dark bags circle his eyes.

Harumi licks his lips. His mouth is dry like cotton. Yet he still dares to ask, "What did you dream about?"

They look at each other. Then Aki redirects his eyes to the floor again. He opens his mouth and then closes it. Open. Close. 

  "You don't have to tell me if you don't want to."

  "No, no, it's not like that. I do, I just…" He sighs, biting his bottom lip. He raises his knees to his chest and ruffles his hair in annoyance. "It's just… Nothing. I don't want to burden you." Not wanting to force him any further, Harumi lays down on his bed again. However, he does not let himself relax until he's sure his friend is asleep. Only when he was certain Aki wasn't awake (his breathing slow and rhythmic, no longer tossing around in bed), did his shoulder fall a little and his eyes fall shut.

The next time it was a weekday. A Tuesday, in fact. As promised, Harumi had slept on the floor and Aki on the bed. This time, when Harumi woke up, he was sure of what the noise was. But of course, he still had no idea what to do. What would Aki say if he caught him staring at him like this?

Then he decided, like the good thinker he was, to tell his thoughts politely to shut the fuck up. He sits up on the mattress to gaze over at Aki. He had kicked his duvet off and it's lying messily under his feet. Just like last time, he's talking in his sleep. This time he's apologizing, saying things as 'I'm sorry," time and time again. Harumi shakes his shoulder (damp with sweat). "Aki."

And he wakes up. Exhausted, just like last time.

  "You were dreaming again," he explains to him.

  "...Sorry."

  "Don't apologize for it, you goofball."

He never told him what was going on or what his dreams were about. He kept insisting that everything was fine. Instead, he changed the topic or just kept quiet. Harumi let him. What else was he supposed to do, force him into talking?

Chapter Text

There's a fight in school on Thursday morning. It started with loud banging coming from the other room from where Akihiko was sitting. At that point he'd been in the middle of grading some tests; a regular task that the teacher had assigned him for extra credits. 

Everybody in the classroom looks at one another, before they all hurry to the other classroom. A crowd has already formed outside the room, and Akihiko has to force himself through the thick layers of students to see anything. Two boys, one year ahead of him he recalls, are tackling on the ground. 

  "You bastard!"

The sound of a bone breaking sends a shiver down his spine. The students get even louder. He can make out what some of them are saying; "Get him!" and "Hit him harder!" and "Teacher's coming!"

He swirls around to see his English teacher's head sticking up from the crowd. His face is stone hard and serious. "What the hell is going on here?!" he roars and turns to look at Akihiko, as if asking for an explanation. Akihiko shrugs.

  "Everyone, move ," he growls and holds one of the boys by the shoulder, while pushing in the other's chest so hard that he stumbles backwards and hits the wall. They are panting hard, similar to wild animals. 

  "To my office, now!" He grabs a hold on each of their arms and drags them after him like ragdolls. "Shiraishi!"

He straightenes his back. "Yes, sir?"

  "Come with me."

Akihiko follows him to his office. Neither of the boys has said a word since the teacher had interrupted. Tension is hanging heavy in the air, stealing everyone's breath away.

  "How can I help, sir?"

  "Keep an eye on them while I'm gone, alright? I need to make some phone calls."

  "Got it."

He stands awkwardly in the corner of the room, fiddling with something in his pocket. The time is ticking uncomfortably slow. He glances down at the boys sitting on the chairs. 

  "Hey," he begins, breaking the silence, and they look up at him. They're both brutally bruised up in the face; nose bleeding, scratches, blue marks… He shakes it off. "Aren't you in your second year?"

They nod without a word and, once again, the silence stretches out over the room. Finally, the teacher comes back. He's rubbing his beard and pushes his glasses up on his nose. "I've informed your legal guardians. Now tell me what happened. Nakamura?"

  "He started it", the boy immediately spits. "If he had just kept it in his pants, this wouldn't have happened!"

The teacher sighs. "Is this about the Higasa drama again?"

  "It's not a drama, sir, it's serious! He betrayed our school—"

  "That's not a reason to punch someone. You're both soon-to-be adults, yet you're acting like little kids."

  "But—"

  "Either, you stop this childish play, or," he leaned closer, "you'll be expelled ."

That has the students shut their mouths. Even Akihiko tenses.

  "Understood?"

They mumble in choir, "yes."

  "Yes what? "

  "Yes, sir."

  "Good. You're both suspended for a week."

Quiet. Nobody dares to move an inch.

  "You can go now. Shiraishi, you stay."

  "What is it, sir?"

The teacher gestures to him to sit down on one of the chairs, and so he does.

  "I know that I'm asking for a lot, but we're getting desperate. These fights are getting out of hand; in the worst case they'll even damage our reputation."

Akihiko thinks of his brother. The money and time and work he's invested in this place, in his future. He nods.

  "I need you to try and resonate with them. Keep it low, you know? Great." He grabs Akihiko's shoulder and shakes it a little, "I trust you with this."

Keeping students from fighting… That can't be too hard.  Just, try and talk it out with them. On top of that, keep his persona of being a top student that everyone looks up to and respects. Piece of cake.

And then he thought of the two students. How bruised up they had been. Is that how he was gonna look, at the end of the week?

Chapter Text

Harumi is sitting with his hand supporting his cheek. He's trying to focus on the numbers in his math book. He's always found math very easy. It's logical; a pattern that you have to follow. Then Aki shifts in his seat on the couch for what feels like the ninth time today.

Harumi glances at his friend from across the table. Aki, who is usually very focused when it comes to his studies, is relentlessly fidgeting, either chewing or drumming his pencil on the table and changing positions every minute or so. His eyes are unfocused and distant, as if he's not really there. 

  Harumi jokingly waves his hand in front of his eyes. Aki looks at him. "Huh?"

  "Dude, what's up with you today?"

  "What do you mean?"

He dismisses him, "Nothing, nevermind," and returns to his book. In the corner of his eyes, he watches his friend. Has he always looked this tired?

  "What are you thinking about?" he asks.

The boy looks up. "What?"

  "What are you thinking about?" he repeats.

Aki plays it off (how stupid does he think he is?!). "Oh, well, studies, I guess."

Harumi hums. They continue studying until Aki sighs once again and leans over the coffee table with his arm supporting his head.

  "Alright, tell me what's up," Harumi sighs and points his pen at him.

  "Huh? What do you mean?"

  "Don't play stupid. You've been acting off all day."

He opens his mouth to respond, but he closes it again, as if thinking his sentence out. After a few moments, he finally speaks, "It's… A pretty heavy subject. And I don't wanna put that burden on you…"

  "Nah, it's fine. I want to hear. Hit me."

  "Well," Aki sighs. "There's this guy in school who's been caught hanging out with someone from your school. He was getting bullied for it."

He nods. "Yeah, I remember when you told me about that."

He bites his bottom lip. "It happened again. And now the teacher expects me to stop the fights from breaking out."

  "What?" he snaps. "Are they even allowed to do that? I mean, that's a big responsibility. Especially for someone our age."

  "Yeah, well, I have to do what they say."

Harumi frowns, sitting straight up. "Why?"

  "To keep my reputation stable."

  "Not to meddle in, but is it your reputation you're worried about or your brother's?"

He's quiet. He's stopped fidgeting by now, simply staring into the empty space in front of him.

Akihiko feels dizzy; nausea. He wants to escape his own skin and run away. "...Both?" he says at last. His body feels weightless and heavy at the same time. Cold and hot at the same time. Is he sick? No, he was home from school last week and he can't afford it to happen again. Keep it up, Akihiko. Imagine what your brother would say if he saw you like this, weakling. Lazy, spoiled, Akihiko. Aki—

"—hiko? Hey, take it easy." There's a glass of water in front of his eyes and without thinking, he drinks it. He coughs from drinking too fast. That's when he realizes how dry his throat has become.

  "Huh?"

  "Are you burning out again?"

  "What?"

  "It's just, you've been so off this week…"

  "What?"

  "Like you've been distant. Are you burning out?"

Akihiko blinks at him. Then he speaks again. "No, no! It's not that, I promise you. I'm fine, really."

  "Uh-huh," Harumi snorts, sarcasm on the tip of his tongue. An eyebrow is raised his way. "Anyway, I'm sorry for saying that… I shouldn't just go into your business like that…"

  "No, it's okay. I know you're just looking out for me," he reassures him. His head feels like a blank sheet of paper, just waiting to be written, but he doesn't know what to write. "I guess I am getting a little burnt out."

  "Hey, we should do something together again. Like when we went to that park I always wanted to visit. Is there somewhere you'd like to visit?"

Akihiko thinks for a moment. "Well, there's this restaurant near the ocean that my sister and I used to visit when we were younger. It's quite far away so I don't think anyone will recognize us."

  "Sounds fun! How about next week?"

  "Works for me." They smile at each other.

Chapter Text

He meets up with Aki at the train station. Harumi, dressed in a fancy button down shirt with a white collar, jeans and sneakers, stands awkwardly in front of Aki, dressed in a casual blue t-shirt, brown, baggy jeans, glasses and a cap covering his hair.

  "Not to be a bully," he begins, eyeing Aki up and down, "but you're really not dressed for the occasion."

  "I don't want us to stand out too much. Speaking of," Aki takes off his glasses and hands them to him, "wear these."

  "Why do I always get to wear the glasses?"

  "Because otherwise we might get caught!"

  "You're overthinking this…"

It's small and cozy inside the restaurant. The ceiling lights are dim and there are pictures in white and black on the walls. Harumi recognises that one of them was taken outside the restaurant, in the entrance. 

They sit down on a table where they can look at the ocean.

  "Is it like you remember it?" Harumi asks once they ordered their food.

Aki sips on his drink. He's leaning forward on the table, admiring the view. "Mostly. I think they renovated the kitchen, though." 

He looks at the water and takes a deep breath through his nose, as if inhaling the scent of the place he once knew. A waiter with a white apron places two fancy plates with hot pot and sushi on the table. They thank her and she leaves.

  "I was around eleven years old at the time when my brother took me here."

  "Were you celebrating something?"

Aki laughs slightly. "No, not at all. It was just to get out of the house." He picks up a piece of meat from his hot pot. "My parents were… busy."

Harumi doesn't answer at first. He decides not to push any further. Instead, he asks, "What's your brother like?"

  "Which one?"

  "Your older brother."

Taken aback by the question, Aki stares at him for a moment. His eyes are big and light. Harumi tries to calm down his beating heart by clearing his throat and looking away. "My brother… Is the best. He's everything I could ever ask for."

His voice is soft and honest when he talks. 

  "Of course, he can be pushy at times, but I know he's only doing it for my own sake. He's done so much good for me. I really wish I could repay him someday, but I don't know how."

  "Does your sister like him?"

Aki grimaces. "No, not really. She's… They're very different people to begin with. Why do you ask?"

  "No reason. Just wondering what it's like having siblings."

  "It can be fun. But they can also be very annoying at times." 

  "Sounds a lot like you." Harumi grins at him and steals a piece of his meat before Aki can stop him (not that he would).

  "Rude," he laughs and they fall into their normal bickering. "You wish you had a sibling like me. Ask my little brother and he'll tell you."

  "So that you could annoy me all day? No thanks."

  "Wha— I do not annoy you!"

Harumi snickers at him and he huffs, despite not actually being mad at him at all.

  "If you had a sibling, what would you do with him or her?" Aki asks.

  "Is this the million dollar question or something?"

  "Come on, you know what I meant…"

  "I guess if I had an older sibling, then they'd maybe remember something from my mother. What she was like."

Aki hums. "Do you think of her often?"

He starts to sweat. The air is thick. He's not used to talking about his mother. Not like this, at least. "Not really. I guess I just wonder about her sometimes. But I'm not hurt by it anymore."

  "Thank you for telling me."

His cheeks heat up just slightly. "Same. I guess." This time it's Aki who starts laughing at him. He doesn't mind. He likes seeing him happy.

Chapter Text

A boy sprints past Akihiko, his heart in his throat. He doesn't stop even when he accidentally runs into a girl holding books and she and the books fall to the ground with a loud thump. The boy disappears past the corner.

  "Sato!" a voice echoes through the halls. Everything is completely quiet for a moment. Nobody moves, not even the girl. Akihiko swallows. "Where are you?!"

The students look at each other. Then they look for Sato, not knowing it had been the boy running past them a second ago. 

Most people know who Sato is by now; the boy who betrayed their school. He and Nakamura have basically become famous after their last outbreak. And not in a good way, but in the way that they get stared at wherever they go. Sato has it the worst, because all his peers began seeing him as a traitor to the school and stopped hanging out with him. Or, in public at least. Of course Nakamura still has friends who sit with him at lunch. 

Akihiko has at many times thought of sitting next to the boy, but his friends always wave for him to come to their table instead. In a way, he feels a strong sense of empathy towards him. And guilt, knowing he's doing the same thing as him, but without getting punished for it. Seeing someone from Higasa.

  "You're not supposed to be here!" a girl shouts back. It's Nakajima, also known as the student council president. She's the one who usually deals with Higasa-related fights. That makes him wonder. Why had he been assigned to stop the fights and not the council?

He walks up to her, standing less than an inch close to her face. As if he never learned what personal space is when he was a kid. "Oh yeah? And why is that?" he whispers in her ear. Akihiko sees her shiver but then she straightens again.

  "You're supposed to be on cleaning duty." She pushes him in the chest. The students are standing in a circle around them, cheering on them. Akihiko immediately forces himself to stand next to the girl.

Nakamura huffs, his fists clenching on his sides. "You'd know a lot about that, huh? Go cry to your mommy. Oh, wait, you can't—" She punches him in the stomach. "Fuck!"

  "Nakajima!" Akihiko squeaks in surprise and students howl around them.

  "Let me handle this, Shiraishi."

  "You bitch!"

A fist is coming her way, but she grabs his wrist just in time and twists it around like a wet cloth. "Fucking shit! Let me go!" Her nails are digging into his skin.

  "You wanna say that again, pretty boy?"

  "Fine, fine! I'm sorry!"

  "Louder!"

  "I'm— sorry!"

She lets him go. He rubs his arm and growls at her.

  "Fucking psycho!"

  "Are you okay?" Akihiko asks and he watches Nakamura's back as he walks away, probably mumbling curse words to himself

  "Yes." After a moment, when people have stopped looking, she says, "it just got too personal."

  "Yeah, I get it. That got way too far… Although, are you even allowed to use violence?"

She shrugs. "It was self-defense. Kind of." Whatever small sense of friendship that sparked between them goes away, as she returns to her usual cold mood. "Now go back to your classes."

"Ah, Shiraishi! You're here," his English teacher says. "You can put those books here," he says and pats on an empty spot on his desk. There's a dirty spot from coffee smeared on the corner. 

  "How can I help you, sir?"

  "I was thinking. I need your opinion on something."

  "Sure!" he chirps. His teacher stands up to close the door behind them so that they're alone. Akihiko tries to ignore the worry growing inside him.

  "I've been talking with our principal about the fights. About how we have to stop them." He stops talking, as if expecting Akihiko to add something for him.

  "Yeah," he chimes in, gulping down the lump in his throat. He pushes away the feeling of the overwhelming expectations and pressure. "There was one about to break out today."

  "Great! Did you manage to stop it like I told you?"

He swallows.

  "No, but Nakajima did. She's the student council president. Maybe… You should take this up with them instead of with me. I'm sure they're more invested in this than I ever will be."

He looks surprised. Taken aback, his jaw hanging. 

  "Of course!" he says. "I just thought, Shiraishi," he leans forward in his chair. "People respect you. They look up to you. Don't you get it?"

  "I'm sorry, sir, but I really don't." He really didn't. 

  "They like you, Shiraishi. If you tell them to stop then maybe they will!"

He wants to argue that there's a whole council for that, but he bites his tongue to keep himself from speaking. It's not his place to decide or even reason about this. His brother would be furious if he ever finds out he argued with a teacher. He can already taste the words in his mouth; after everything I've done for you, I'm disappointed in you, Shiraishi, and is this how you repay me? After everything, every opportunity—

  "I need air. Please excuse me." He runs out of the office without looking back. Shame and guilt covers him whole. He wants to drown in it.

Chapter Text

When Harumi is on his way to school, the gates are swarmed with students. They're arguing loudly, cursing at each other.

  "This is our school ground, asshole!"

  "We're not on your ground," a girl scowls and gestures at her foot that is less than an inch away from the gate, but, still, not technically on school grounds.  

  "Oh, please, you Suisha shit-students and your childish fucking plays."

  "What did you call me?!"

  "Leave or you'll be late for your kindergarten class—"

A bone wrecking slap to his cheek.

The boy stands frozen in place.

Scarlet red swelling on his cheek.

Nobody notices Harumi walking past them.

Nobody notices Harumi changing in the bathroom instead of in the boys' locker rooms during PE.

At lunch he hides himself in one of the bathroom stalls. It stinks of urine and bacteria and it seriously damages his food experience, but it's quiet. He wears his earpods and increases the volume to as high as he manages to surpass the sound of someone pissing next to him.

Nobody notices him leaving.

Nobody notices him getting on the train.

Somebody notices him getting off the train.

Chapter Text

Akihiko messages Harumi in school about when they're meeting up. He sees the three dots in the corner. A message pops up. Before he has time to read it, someone snatches the phone out of his hand.

  "Aha!" Furuta cheers. "I knew it!"

Akihiko reaches over to grab it but Ono holds him back.

  "You traitors," he hisses.

Furuta only snickers at him, waving his phone mockingly in the air. He's reading. Fuck.

  "Messaging your date at school? How cute." He starts typing something. Akihiko's heart is hammering in his chest. He desperately wriggles out of Ono's grip and snatches it back. But to his horror, the message has already been sent. 

   "sup, baby? " and three emojis of a face blowing a kiss. His face is boiling when he writes, " sorry my friend wrote that ttyl ". He glares at Furuta and Ono. They smile sheepishly, as if that covers the embarrassment they put him through. And danger.

He pulls them by their arms, dragging them inside an empty classroom (" What are you— ") and locks the door. He takes a deep breath to calm himself down, thinking his skin can't get any redder.

  "How much did you read?" he says at last, praying for his voice to sound natural. 

  "Enough to know you have a girlfriend," Furuta snickers. Ono wiggles his eyebrows at him. He groans and burrows his face in his hands.

  "First of all, I don't have a girlfriend. Second of all—"

  "Then who is Harumi?"

His voice cracks. "No one!" He clears his throat. "No one. Really." Ono pats Akihiko's shoulder, still grinning like a goof. "It's okay, dude. Just tell us."

  "Fine, yes! I'm seeing someone."

  "Duh."

  "As friends. Only as friends. But you can't tell anyone, okay?"

Furuta and Ono share a look. Probably feeling so proud of themselves for figuring it out. "Your secret is safe with us." The smile on their faces only makes him more unsure, but he has no other choice but to trust them. 

  "I have an idea. Let's go to the cafeteria," Furuta decides. "It's been weeks since we last hung out!"

  "Yeah, and I wonder why."

  "Hey, don't pout. It's not our fault you've been acting so secretive lately."

Strolling down the halls together, he makes sure they're walking in front of him when he opens his chat with Harumi. His friend hasn't responded yet.

Chapter Text

  "So what's she like?"

They're sitting in the cafeteria. Ono and Furuta on one side of the table, Akihiko on the other. Furuta is bombing him with questions about this mysterious "girl" that he's seeing. He blames himself for not predicting this outcome; they were obviously going to ask about it further.

  "Is she cute? Does she live nearby? How long have you known her for?" Furuta interrogates him. He's leaning over the table with his arms folded, his eyes glowing with excitement. They're gaining a few glances their way and Akihiko reminds them again and again not to speak so loudly.

Ono continues for him. His blonde hair is pointing in every direction; it's like he never brushes it. "Is she in her second year? Have I met her?"

  "Not you too…" Akihiko groans.

  "Is she from another school? No, wait. Is she from…" Furuta gestures with his hand. He frowns. "You know."

  "Oh. Uhm. No?" The looks on their faces tells him they don't believe a single word coming out of his mouth.

  "She is, isn't she? Don't worry, we're not gonna snitch on you." 

  "Yeah, dude. Your secret is our secret," Ono says.

Akihiko smiles at them while shaking his head, thankful they'd be able to keep such a thing undisclosed, but also a little irritated that they were still having this conversation. 

  "No, I swear, she's very far away. Like, really, really far away. Look, I promise I will tell you guys. Just, it's a little early, you know? I don't wanna make a fuss about it. You know, gotta focus on my studies and that."

  "You're right, I'm sorry… It's just been so long since we hung out like this," Furuta whines, "and I just got excited. Sorry."

Ono is his friend, classmate and former teammate, since his brother had him quit the team to focus on his studies. Through Ono, he got to know Furuta. Luckily, they're not as involved with the school drama and similar gossip like Ueno is. If it had been Ueno finding out he was seeing Harumi, she'd instantly connect the dots.

He remembers what it was like the first days he was at Suisha academy. Sitting alone at his desk, looking out the window. Teacher talking in the background like a white noise. School chime ringing. A shadow on his desk. Yellow, messy hair.

  "You're in the track field team, right?" the yellow haired boy had asked him. Akihiko was so nervous he could barely form a word, so he just nodded. The situation can be shortened to an extrovert adopting an introvert.

Ono introduced him to Furuta. It didn't take long for him to realize he's just as chaotic.

In the team, he got to know Yamamoto. A calm but determined guy with the same burning passion as Ono. They're the polar opposites of each other, yet they work great as a team. Perhaps it's because they're aiming for the same goal.

He's seen them develop, training day and night to get better. Meanwhile, Akihiko only did it for his grades. For his brother. He doesn't have that same passion for anything, really. A part of him envies them for it.

They have a purpose; something to strive for in life. A clear goal to set their mind on. A path isn't chosen for them; they create it. He wants that, too.

  "Alright, enough about me, how are you guys doing?"

  "Dating-wise? Unlike you, I'm still single," Furuta snickers. "Seriously though, I'm doing fine."

Ono snaps his finger at him. "But hey, at least you're not single anymore. Cheers to that."

  "We've been over this, I don't have a—"

  "You don't have a what?" a new voice chimes in from behind him. It's light and easy, yet the aura of an obnoxious gossiper is impossible to miss. By the looks of his friends' faces, he knows without doubt that Ueno is towering over him.

Hm. Perhaps obnoxious is the wrong word for her. Really, Ueno is a very nice person. However , her enthusiasm with gossip is a danger for him at the moment.

  "You don't have a what ?"

He stares intensely at Ono and Furuta, urging them to say something.

  "Uhm—" Ono says while Furuta chirps, "phobia of the dark."

  "Really? 'Cus I could've sworn you said—"

  "Ueno, leave the poor kid alone," Yamamoto sighs while holding her back by the shoulder. "You're scaring him out."

Ueno sighs, rubbing her neck sheepishly. "Sorry. I just came here to talk about something with you, Shiraishi. Somewhere less crowded."

Akihiko turns to Ono and Furuta. He's about to ask if he can go, but they wave him off nonchalantly. "It's fine. We'll see you another time," Ono beams reassuringly and Furuta flashes him a peace sign.

Akihiko sits down on the floor next to Yamamoto and Ueno. He can't help but notice it's the same spot as last time. Only a stair up is the door, still taped and locked up, where the "Suisha's guardian angel" had committed suicide. The rivalry was already a thing before then, but it was right before her suicide when it all boiled over. She couldn't live through it anymore. 

It feels wrong being there. He feels bad for ever looking at the door, knowing she had once pushed it open, standing on the roof, letting the memories take over her. Drown her. Too many emotions twisting and turning and tugging her in every direction until she's nothing more but a torn cloth.

Did she regret it while falling? Perhaps she was relieved. She'd done the last step. It was all going to be over. No more struggling.

  "Why this specific place?" he asks.

Yamamoto shrugs. "It's peaceful." 

Ueno ignores both of them. She talks while looking directly in his eyes, "I found some things online that I wanted to share with you. You need to be prepared in case you see Kurose. So I was thinking of—"

  "I was thinking I could just ignore him. Thereby avoiding confrontation and other unnecessary attention."

  "Sure, but just in case you do meet him, I think we should come up with a plan. Since you're sworn enemies, people expect you and him to be rivals. Not to ignore each other. Besides, what if he's the one confronting you?"

Akihiko highly doubts that, but for obvious reasons he's not going to tell her that. Either way, it was going to be a hell of a challenge pretending to hate Harumi. Last time they stumbled upon each other in public, Harumi almost blew their cover due to laughing.

  "What were you thinking?"

  "Well, first of all, you could use his weaknesses to discourage him."

  " What weaknesses?"

  "This might be a bit of a stretch, but I dug up some sensitive stuff about his past—"

  "You did what?!"

  "Oh my god," Yamamoto moans, hiding his face in the palms of his hands.

Ueno raises her hands up in the air defensively. "We don't have to use it!" she exclaims. "And it's not even that sensitive stuff. I'm not evil."

  "Anything else?" Akihiko sighs.

  "Yes. Make sure to stare at him while scowling. Not only is it discouraging, but it's also the same face Kurose always does." She picks up her phone to show him Harumi's posts on Instagram to prove her point. "Literally. Does he ever smile?! Anyway, that's all I wanted to tell you. It's not like you for sure will, but you know. Just in case."

Harumi steps off the platform and immediately spots Aki. He's leaning against a thick pillar, watching something on his phone. Harumi calls out his name and Aki looks up.

  "Hey! Did you get my text?"

  "Which one?" He shoots a toothy grin at him and Aki's ears are already turning red in embarrassment. It only makes him wanna tease him even more. "The one where you called me, and I quote, 'baby', or the other one?"

  "Okay, first of all, my friend wrote that, not me. Second of all, I don't think this is the most important event of today," he huffs.

  "Whatever you say. Bunn— " Aki covers his hand over Harumi's mouth and the rest of his sentence comes out as a muffled laugh.  

Later, Aki retells the story about how his friends stole his phone.

  "Now they think I'm dating someone."

  "Well, are you?" He sounds more curious about it than he'd like to admit, even if he only said it as a joke.

 Aki attempts to look mad but the smile on his face betrays him. "Obviously not, genius. In conclusion, my friends may or may not know who you are. They only know your first name, so we should be fine. Besides, Harumi is a pretty common name."

He hums, his mind floating somewhere else. He kicks a rock on the sidewalk and it skips over the concrete before bumping into a lamppost. 

  "How's your day been?" Aki asks with such tenderness. Sun is shining in his eyes. He looks so at peace. Harumi wants to touch his cheek. Feel the softness of his skin under the pads of his fingertips. He wants to show him how much he means to him, prior to it all going downhill if they were to get caught.

He shrugs. "It's been okay so far. What about you, Suisha's bright knight?"

  "No, we are not doing this again."

Aki's laughter makes him feel so full of life.

Chapter Text

  “—And that's why you should never trust someone who watches The Big Bang Theory.” The girls end their speech with a bow and the class applauds. 

  “Thank you, Shimizu and Tanaka,” the teacher says. “Now! Raise your hand if you have any criticism. Yamamoto?”

  “I think—”

I have so much to do. Would the teacher notice if I skipped the next lesson?

  “Thank you. Someone else? Inoue?”

  “You could've added—”

No, someone would snitch. Although I could study after school. But then I won’t get to see Harumi.

  “I think it’s great and all, however—”

Brother would be furious.

And then he thinks of Harumi. His bright smile that can make all his worries fade into nothing. It makes him want to smile. He thinks of how pretty he is. Meanwhile, the teacher looks over her students, scanning them from face to face. She stops to look at Akihiko, the boy completely lost in his own imagination. His lips turned slightly upwards. “What about you, Shiraishi?”

He looks up, her voice bursting his bubble of thoughts like a needle. “Huh?”

  “What about you? What are your opinions?”

  “Oh. Uhm.”

What feels like everyone begins to stare at him. Sweat rolls down his neck and under his uniform, the sensation sending an unwanted shiver down his spine. The silence stretches out all the way outside and to the halls, covering every wall with its awkwardness.

  “Well?”

He claws at his hand, leaving red scratching marks over his light skin. He opens his mouth to speak (dryer than cotton) but is interrupted by Yamamoto raising his hand in front of him. “Excuse me, miss. Shiraishi looks sick, may I take him to the infirmary?”

She searches his face. Nods. “He does look very pale. Very well. But I want you right back here when you’re done.” The last sentence was meant for Yamamoto.

The tall boy takes him gently by the arms and helps him up. He doesn’t have the energy nor the desire to protest. “Thanks,” he mumbles quietly enough only for Yamamoto to catch it. When they’re outside the classroom, he continues. “You always keep saving me from these situations. I owe you.”

  “Think of it as a payback for your efforts while you were still on the team.” His eyes redirect to the newly swept tile floor. “Sad you couldn’t stay.”

He swallows thickly. “Yeah. It’s just. I gotta focus on my studies—”

  “Do you practice that line in the mirror or something?”

  “What?”

They stop walking.

Standing in the middle of the hallway.

Akihiko stares at him. He’s trapped between fleeing from the situation and staying.

  “You always say that as an excuse not to hang out with your friends. And it hurts to see you—” He trails off. Sighs. And then. “Take the day off for me, will ya? I’ll tell the teacher you went home.”

  “But—”

  “Shiraishi. Please.” Desperation. The rest of his remaining words are unspoken, too obvious to say out loud.

  “You’re right. I’m sorry.”

Yamamoto flashes him a small smile. His eyes are sad. “See you tomorrow.”

He waves back at the figure becoming smaller the further away it reaches. On the stairs, he curls himself into a ball with his hands in his hair. Tears almost about to escape his eyes. But he can’t cry. Not on school grounds. And so he forces himself up and to the train station. He can barely remember the ride; his memories are foggy and weak. 

  “Harumi.”

The boy looks up from his notebook and at his friend. His hair is blowing slightly in the wind and his cheeks are somewhat tinted pink. “What?”

Studying while sitting in the grass, facing the field of kids playing goofball, they listen to the kids cheering out loud. It had been too hot in Harumi's apartment (the AC is broken), so they went to the park where they could actually focus without the torturing heat.

  “I need your opinion on something,” Aki says sheepishly.

Harumi raises an eyebrow at him but doesn't question the sudden change in his mood. “Sure, what is it?”

  “Do you think I’m actually burning out?”

He thinks for a moment. Searches his face. “Honestly? Yeah, kinda.”

  “‘Kinda’?”

  “You’ve been pretty distant lately. Emotionally. I don’t think you’re doing it on purpose, obviously.”

Had he? He never noticed.

  “I don’t know what to do,” he confesses.

Harumi sits up straighter, shoving the textbook he was writing on aside. The grass bends under the weight of the books. “You could start by talking with a therapist. I used to go to one back in America, actually.”

Huh. Now that was news.

  “Can I ask why?”

Harumi shrugs nonchalantly. He’s good at talking about feelings when they’re not about his own. “Mental health issues. Gender identity. The whole shebang.”

  “I don’t think my brother will let me,” Akihiko sighs and ruffles his hair in annoyance.

  “Then don’t tell him.”

  “He’ll know it. He always does.”

  “Well,” Harumi says. He’s holding his hand over the blades of the grass without looking at him. “He doesn’t know about us.”

A breeze passes them. Someone could’ve slapped him in the face and he wouldn’t have noticed. The kids are still playing soccer. Children. So innocent of the world around them. At that moment he wishes he could be a kid again. Not to experience his childhood one more time, in particular, but rather the feeling of having no real responsibilities.

  “I guess you’re right.” He says it softly. With tenderness in his voice.

  “They have a counselor at my school. Perhaps there’s one in yours?”

When Harumi had suggested it, saying he himself had gone to a therapist once, he thought for real that Aki was gonna ridicule him. And yes, he knows, Aki would never do such a thing. But the matter of fact is that he’d rather be prepared for the worst.

  “I’ll try it out,” Aki says in defeat, biting his bottom lip as if unsure of what he’d just agreed to.

  “If your brother does find out, in any case, tell him that this is better than burning out. Because then you’d for sure fail your grades.”

Aki nods slowly. Thinking. “I’ll tell him,” he decides.

  “What?”

  “It’s better that he knows, thereby no misunderstandings. Besides, I’m sure he’ll understand.”

Harumi is quiet for a moment. He doesn’t know whether to say something supportive or try and convince him not to (it’s not like he knows his brother, anyway) and so he decides to do neither. He stays quiet. Then he says, “If you’re sure.”

Akihiko calls his brother the moment he isolates himself in his bedroom. He’d watched the hallway for a few minutes, just in case someone were there to listen to their conversation. Knowing his brother’s number by memory, he dials it. His heart is beating violently in his chest. His body is light yet heavy at the same time. “Brother!” he chirps when he picks up.

  “Akihiko.” Voice even but irritated. “What have I told you about calling me without messaging first?” 

A knife is stabbing him before he even got the chance to talk.

  “I’m so sorry, I forgot. I’ll talk to you later—”

  “No, no. There’s no need. You’ve already done it, now what is it?”

He can hear his brother breathing on the other line of the phone. Either that, or his brain is making up noises to distract himself from the anxiety eating him up on the inside. 

  “Do you happen to know if we have a counselor at school?”

Nothing is said for a while. He thinks his brother has hung up when he speaks again. “I believe so, why? Are you thinking of going, because in that case I’m completely fine with that.”

   What?

  “Really?”

A sigh. “Yes, Akihiko. I’ve been… rough with you for the past few months.”

  “You only did it to help me.” Akihiko can quite literally hear him smile.

  “I’ve taught you well. I’ll talk with your school. Hopefully you’ll begin next week.”

Tears are rolling down his cheek. A lump in his throat releases when he does so and he couldn’t even care about the noises filling up the room, the quiet sobbing echoing through the walls. If his siblings can hear him, he doesn’t care. Not right now.

  “Thank you. So much. Thank you, brother.”

A message from Harumi, over an hour ago. He wonders how long he’s been talking with his brother for. How’d it go? it says. 

He types, 

went well. im beginning next week.

Chapter Text

On monday, Akihiko sits down in the cafeteria. Ono and Furuta are there, keeping him company. For once they don’t mention the ‘girlfriend’. Ueno and Yamamoto come a little later. This time they just sit there. Talking with the group. As if they were all close buds. It felt weird at first since it was the first time they all really sat together, but Akihiko got used to the feeling of being surrounded by his friends.

  “How’s your brother?” Yamamoto asks him.

  “He’s good! Currently busy with stuff, but I’ll be seeing him soon.”

  “That’s great,” Ono chimes in with a smile. He must’ve told them about his brother at some point, because neither of them asks who he is.

The cafeteria silences. Sato enters the room. His brown hair is messy and his eyes are red. Akihiko looks at him. He feels a strong sense of responsibility and it’s tugging at him, wanting him to act. To do something. 

The boy stares at the tables. When he steps closer to someone, they turn away from him or place their stuff on the empty spaces, forcing him to move further. His friends don't seem to notice, except for Ueno, that he’s looking at Sato. She studies his face for a moment in silence. Not saying a word. Simply watching.

When Sato is about to pass their table, Akihiko waves at him to sit beside them. He’s unsure at first. His friends stop talking. The whole cafeteria stops talking, turning to look at the scene. Akihiko doesn’t mind. Or, rather, he does mind but he chooses to ignore it, despite his face heating up at the attention and anxiety and regret swirling messily in his stomach.

  “You can sit here,” he says, mouth dry. Sato stares. Then he sits down next to them. Akihiko shuffles closer to Ueno on their shared sitting place, so that the boy can fit. Furuta and Ono are quiet. Yamamoto’s mouth is half open. Ueno tugs at his arm.

  “Can we talk outside?” she whispers harshly in his ear. Outside, he gets a full scolding session. “What are you thinking?! You can’t invite him!”

  “Why?” he asks. He’d rather be anywhere else in the whole world. “Because he ‘betrayed’ us?”

  “Yes!” she hisses.

He bites his bottom lip. They’re outside the entrance to the cafeteria and he can see Sato sitting awkwardly next to his friends. He does not seem like he belongs. Ueno’s hard stare is burning holes in his neck. “I’m sorry. It’s just that he seemed lonely. I couldn’t help it.”

Ueno sighs and burrows her face in her hands. “This is not good for your rumors.”

  “Why do you care about my rumors?”

  “Because your actions affect the entire school!”

He swallows. “So? What if it’s all bullshit, anyway?”

She stops. “What did you say?”

  “The bullying. That’s what it is.”

  “Look, I know that you’re burning out. But you can’t take that out on everyone else—”

  “Who told you that?”

  “Yamamoto.”

  “Oh.”

Quiet. Neither says anything. Ueno is tapping her foot. “Just. Don’t do it again, got it?”

He nods. 

  “Or we won’t be able to sit with you anymore.” 

He nods. 

  “Because it affects us, too.” 

He nods. 

  “Go back inside?” 

He nods.

People stare at them as they stroll back to the table. Sato is looking at him, as if wanting to say something. He can only hope his brother doesn’t find out about the event. He tells himself to worry about it later.

Harumi and Aki sleep over on Friday night. Watching television. A movie from 2012 called the Hunger Games. He read the books when he was younger as a birthday present from his fathers. That day, he had told Aki about his parents. Opened up about it. Not about his mother’s death, but about the fact that he has two fathers. He knew that his friend would be supportive yet he wanted to tell him anyway. “If you’re gonna meet them one day I want you to know, so that it doesn’t come as a shock.”

  “Why would I be shocked?”

Harumi shrugs. “Just in case.”

  “Oh. Are they coming to Japan?”

He fidgets with his fingers. “No. I just wanted to tell you.” Harumi turns to look at Aki. Sitting with his feet on the ground, he raises them almost to his knees to sit more comfortably on the sofa. He holds his cheek with his hand, his elbow resting on one of the pillows. Aki is dressed in his pajamas, the gray one with a signature of the company’s name close to the collar. “You look nice in my clothes,” he teases.

Aki scoffs, grinning.

Harumi watches Aki closely as he pulls the duvet over the mattress. “Why are you making your bed if you’re just gonna sleep on it again soon?”

  “Because I have manners.” Aki sits down on his knees, resting on Harumi’s bed with his arms under his head. His eyes are light and big. Face soft and kind. He looks up at Harumi. He climbs up on the bed so that their shoulders are next to each other, resting against the wall.

  “Oh, shut up.” 

They talk just like that for a while. About everything and anything. One can wonder how they never run out of things to say. And if they do, they sit in silence. Then Harumi breaks it.

  “You know my fathers?”

Aki hums, looking up at the ceiling. Harumi hasn’t dragged the curtains down yet, thereby the light is shining in from a lamp post outside the apartment. 

Harumi takes a deep breath to calm his nerves. “Are you..?” It was a dumb question to ask. And it wasn’t his place to ask it, either. But he did. And he was staring right into Aki’s eyes as if begging for him not to ridicule him.

  “You mean if I’m gay?” He nods. Cheeks are heating up. He doesn’t break eye contact. Aki scratches his neck. “I haven’t really thought about it,” he admits. “Are you?”

  “Yeah. I think so.”

  “Okay,” Aki says.

  “Okay,” he says. Smiling at each other. He feels his heart pick up a beat. His friend’s face is red, too. God, why did he ask that?! Not looking him in the eyes anymore, Harumi rubs his eyes with his forearm. His eyelids feel heavy.

  “I think I am too.”

His heart jumps out of his chest.

  “Really?”

  “Yeah.”

He blinks. Once. Twice. Thrice, is that even a word?

  “Have you ever kissed someone?” Aki asks. Ears painted scarlet.

Harumi shakes his head. “You?”

  “No.”

They turn to look at each other. Harumi’s eyes flick down to his lips then to his eyes again. 

  ”Can I..?”

A slight nod as confirmation. He kisses him. Aki kisses him back. It’s sweet and soft, both his lips and the kiss. They pull back. Eyes scanning one another. Harumi leans in again. Falling down on the pillows, hands are holding his cheeks. Mouths dancing with each other. Blood is flooding through his veins faster than the speed of a wildfire. Their chests are touching and Harumi pulls him closer. He can hear Aki’s heart hammering. He tugs at his hair and combs the soft strands with his fingers.

The mattress on the floor was forgotten that night.

Chapter Text

Harumi is woken up in the middle of the night by whining. Again. It’s the second time that night. He knows without turning around that it’s Aki speaking words in his sleep. He slides his feet down to the cold floor and sits up on the edge of the bed, stretching his arms up in the air. His skin is warm and sweaty. Aki is still sleeping. 

Harumi doesn’t know what to do. And so he shakes his shoulder gently. In a soft voice, he says, “Wake up. Aki, wake up. It’s just a dream.” There’s hair in his face and he puts it back behind his ear. “You’re okay. Wake up.”

Aki stops stirring. Eyes fluttering open. He rubs his eyes sleepily and holds himself up by his elbow supporting his weight. “Harumi?”

  “Sorry. You were dreaming again.”

He mumbles a very quiet “sorry,” but it’s loud enough for Harumi to catch it. “What have I said about apologizing?”

  “I’m—” His eyes are glassy with tears and he’s turning away from him as if to hide it.

  “Hey, hey. It’s okay,” he whispers, rubbing small circles on his back. His hand gets wet from the damp sweat that has soaked through his pajamas. “You’re okay now.” 

He repeats the words until Aki apologetically pushes him away out of instinct. Eyes red and swollen. They sit together for a while without talking. The silence stretches out in the room. But it’s a comfortable one. 

  “Do you want water?”

Aki nods. He walks to the kitchen and back again with a glass in his hand and he gives it to him. “Thank you.” 

  “Do you want me to sleep on the mattress?” Harumi asks. He feels sheepish for blushing at the moment, though he can’t help the heat prickling up his neck, stinging him like needles that are picking at his skin. Rubbing his neck, he realizes how sweaty his hair is, too. Aki looks at him with a frown.

  “Do you not want me to..?”

  “No, no. I mean, I want to, it’s just that if you want some space then I totally get that.” 

Aki shakes his head and he lays down on the bed again. Harumi stares at him before slowly laying down beside him. He lays his head on Aki’s chest slowly, giving him every chance to protest. “Is this okay?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Okay.”

Silence.

  “Do you want to talk about it?”

  “No.”

  “Okay.” He hugs him somewhat tighter to his chest, rubbing his nose in his shirt. It feels safe to have him by his side. He can literally feel Aki’s breaths getting slower and deeper, and he falls asleep to the lullaby of his heart beating in his ears. 

Akihiko wakes up by the light shining right into his eyes. A warm body is next to him, an arm snuggling his chest. Soft strands of hair touching his cheek. Memories flood back to him all at once. He tries his best not to blush but desperately fails. Thankfully Harumi can’t make fun of him now that he’s asleep. He looks down at the latter. He’s never seen him this close up before. His skin is soft and he wants to touch it, feel it. And realizing that he can now, he does. Carefully, he traces his finger over his forehead. Down to his cheek. He is beautiful. Harumi’s eyes open and Akihiko retreats his hand as if burned. “Sorry,” he squeaks. 

Harumi searches his face for a moment before snickering. The boy hugs him close again, breathing in his scent. He feels so warm. Full of love. Everything is just so perfect at the moment.

Yet he can’t stop the thoughts from entering his head.

  “What are we?” he asks, both to Harumi and himself. 

Harumi groans and Akihiko can feel the sound echoing in his ribcage. “Isn’t it a little too early for that?” 

  “You kissed me didn't you?”

His friend—boyfriend? He doesn’t know, pouts. “Hey, you kissed me back.” Harumi intertwines their fingers and reaches closer to him to peck his cheek. His breath is soft and thick from sleep. Akihiko gathers the courage to hold his face in his hands and put his lips on his.

  “Later, then,” he says. 

  “Later,” Harumi agrees.

  “You look happy today,” Ono grins at him when he takes a seat next to him and Furuta. His hair is just as wild as always, practically a shining light and pointing everywhere due to an electricity shock. There’s just no other way of describing it. 

They’d agreed to meet up in a cafe on Saturday. It’s warm inside and it smells like cookies and other small goods. He places his plate on the table and takes a bite of his cinnamon roll. It’s sweet and the sugar melts on his tongue.

  “Really? I guess I am,” he responds between chewing and he swallows. “How are you guys?”

  “Oh, you don’t get to pass this easily—”

  “I’m good,” Furuta cuts him off. He’s dressed in a thin sweater and skinny jeans. His freckles are dark and sprinkled all over his pointy nose. “I’ve been studying a lot recently but life moves on, you know. How’s your secret girlfriend? I suppose that’s why you’re so bright today.”

Akihiko answers the same way he always does. “Still no girlfriend.”

  “So…” Furuta leans over the table to whisper. “A boy, then?”

He stops eating, words dying in his throat. He looks up at them. Ono’s face is written with surprise and he glances at Akihiko, an eyebrow raised curiously. Furuta only smiles bigger the longer it takes for him to say something.

  “It’s okay, we won’t tell anyone!” 

  “Are you guys…” He stumbles over the words. “Okay, with that?”

Furuta waves his hand in the air. “Duh, we’re not in the 1900s.”

  “But—”

  “Akihiko, it’s okay. I swear,” he says.

Ono flashes him a peace sign. “Yeah, we support you, bro. But then if it’s a boy, then who is Harumi?”

Akihiko swears to himself to never trust them with anything ever again. He wants to curse them out for it (mostly to distract them), but Furuta speaks before he gets the chance to open his mouth. “Boys can have that name too, idiot. It’s just that most are females.”

Akihiko awkwardly chimes in, stating that isn’t his name and that Harumi is his sister’s friend. Thinking the conversation would finally be over, he picks up his phone to show them a funny post from their school’s social media. But of course it wasn’t. 

  “What’s his name?” “Does he go to our school? Or, to, you know.” A motion with his hand to empathize with his point. “Because I’d be totally cool with that, too.”

  “He lives very far away.”

  “Pfft. As if. Just tell us,” Ono whines. Akihiko feels as if his face is burning up. Shaking his head.

  “You’ve asked me enough questions for one day.”

  “Will we at least get to meet him someday?” Furuta asks. He slurps on his strawberry smoothie while looking at him.

He tilts his chin up. “I don’t know. Maybe someday.” If the rivalry ever stops, then yeah.

Chapter Text

School fights are still a thing. In fact, they seem to be happening even more often than before. To Akihiko’s surprise, he hasn’t spotted Sato in any of them, lately. At least not the ones he’s been forced to be involved with. Thankfully, his English teacher hasn’t gone back to bugging him about stopping the fights. Even he seems to have understood that it’s completely out of control. Instead, more teachers have been walking through the hallways during breaks. It’s almost like they’re going on patrols to keep a community safe. It doesn’t help.

At lunch he sits in one of the empty classrooms. Grading papers, something he did for his teachers in order to gain extra credits. Or, as his brother would say, to strengthen his bonds with the teachers. 

   “The relationship means everything, Akihiko. They’ll be more likely to give you higher grades if your bond is stronger. Besides, you don’t wanna end up like the rest of the family, do you?”

He forces himself through the day, repeating his brother’s words in his mind over and over. It's what keeps him going. Even though it’s gonna eat him alive someday.

   “Aren’t you… Ashamed?”

Even though it’s gonna tear him apart.

   “After everything I’ve done for you.”

Turn him inside and out, burn him, cut the wounds open to bleed.

   “I thought you were different.”

He wants to tell him that he’s not. Apologize for being such a failure of a brother.

Standing outside the school doors, he scrolls on his phone. His mind feels blank. Empty. Students and classmates are passing by him on their way home.

  “Bye, Shiraishi!” some of them say.

  “See you tomorrow,” he responds with a smile.

Yamamoto joins him under the roof in the shade, which currently serves as a protective shield from the burning sun. He tells him that he’s waiting for Ueno; her classes end in half an hour. Akihiko studies him for a moment. He’s never really reflected on thow tall Yamamoto is.  “Are you coming to practice?” his friend asks.

  “I thought you knew I quit..?”

He shrugs without looking him in the eyes. “You can join us if you want to. Even if you’re not in the team anymore. I’m sure they’d just be happy that you’re there.”

  “I’m sorry,” he says. “I have to study today.”

  “Are you doing okay?”

  “Huh? Of course, I’m good.”

Yamamoto frowns. “Please be honest with me. I’m worried about you.”

  “There’s no reason to be—”

  “I don’t see you in math period on mondays anymore. Do you skip? I know it’s none of my business, I just— I’m sorry. I’m probably overthinking this. Ever since you quit the team…” Yamamoto trails off, looking down at his hands.

  “No, no! It’s okay,” Akihiko reassures him. “I go to a counselor now, that’s why.”

  “Really? That’s great.”

“Hey, Yamamoto?” he begins, thinking the rest of his sentence out.

Yamamoto hums for an answer. They stare at the students leaving the gate. He takes a deep breath, forcing his nerves to calm down. His stomach is fluttering with nervosity.

  “How did you know I wasn’t doing well?” A part of him relaxes when the words are eventually out in the open.

  “How I knew?”

  “Yeah.”

  “You just seemed off. Distant, somehow.”

Akihiko nods slowly, not that Yamamoto is looking at him, anyway.

Walking home from the train station together, Harumi suggests that they go on a date together. “It’d be our first one,” he adds.

Aki tilts his head at him. A small and genuine smile. The sun is shining in his face. He’s wearing his school uniform. 

  “Haven’t we already? Been on our first date, I mean.”

  “Those were friend dates,” Harumi reasons. His pocket vibrates and he picks up his phone. He speaks while reading whatever is on it. “This would be a real date.”

He tries to think of a day he can be free, but his head is too messy. He’ll check his calendar later. “That sounds fun,” and the moment he speaks, he almost trips over his shoe laces.

  “I’ve told you to tie them a million times.”

  “As if you’re any better.”

  “You tell me,” he says and wiggles his foot in front of him. “Mine looks tied to me.”

Aki waves him off. “Yeah, yeah.” He crouches down, one knee on the pavement supporting his weight. 

  “I like seeing you like this,” Harumi says. 

  “Like what?” He’s just about to stand up again.

  “You on your knees for me.”

Harumi starts snickering as his face turns beet red, and Aki slaps him on the shoulder. “You are so cheesy, like, it’s not even funny.” But he’s laughing too, though.

The boy shrugs. “Never heard you complain about it.” He glances to the side, hands in the pockets of his pink cardigan. “If we did go on a date, is there any place you’d like to visit?”

  “Well, the restaurant was my idea, so I think you should decide.”
Harumi looks back only to point a finger at him. “It has to be mutual.”

  “I’ll agree.”

  “You don’t know what it is yet. What if I take you to a haunted house? Or worse,” they stop walking, as they have reached the corner of the building. This is where they part. “A love tunnel.”

  “You wouldn’t dare,” Aki warns him with a sharp look.

  “Wouldn’t I?” he grins. The boy even dares to walk away without another word, his back now turned to Aki. He doesn’t know what to make of it.

  “Harumi!” he shouts after him. “No love tunnels!”

Harumi laughs and waves the back of his hand without looking back at him. He groans.