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Tanner never would have thought of any reason to get wasted on the spirits the previous owner of his house left behind. Now he knew one reason could be just to forget. Well, the getting drunk part was easy. Lord, that stuff was strong. Unfortunately, the forgetting part was an entirely different matter.
So he sits there, already drunk after emptying one glass of that drink, contemplating and feeling sorry for himself. Himself? For Eric.
They just told each of their respective chats that they would not be friends anymore. Tanner had seemingly taken their friendship for granted and had been oblivious to the suffering Eric had endured under Chat, which Tanner had not done enough about Not that he had not added his own stupid comments on top. The backlash from his own chat had been harsh, even if he tried to explain that he did try to help Eric. That he did care .
He cried on stream. How he wished that they could see just how important Eric was to him. But then again, it took him to be in this mess, to figure that his care for the LA streamer was more than just that.
The next few weeks, Tanner spent wishing he could jump back in time. Partly so he could try to convince Eric that he was important to the Canadian. Partly so he could slap himself, hard, for his own stupidity. But mostly he wished he could get back to their calls. He longed for the moments they spent laughing, joking, getting drunk on joy. Those wishes developed to silent pleads, that Eric would reach out to him. Silently crying for him to forgive the foolish canadian, to unblock him and to take him back. Back to all those times they laughed together, planned streams together, yes even fought together. He just wanted to be with Eric again.
On some lone nights, he opened up his recordings with Eric. His mom had already scolded him for this, saying that he couldn’t get over the american and grow from the past, if he kept hanging up on it. He wasn't sure whether she knew about his feelings or not. It didn’t matter to him at that time. He still kept doing it.
Asking into the empty room, if Eric remembers the start of their friendship. It's been a year now since they “broke up” as some in their communities say. Yet he remembers vividly how his heart was racing when they first talked, even more when they first streamed together. While watching, he continued asking the empty room all the questions he wished he could ask Eric. The Canadian ignored the tears that kept running down his face when he asked Void-Eric, as he dubbed him, if he ever thought about how far they had made it with their content. To be in the news for the good and the bad things. To be famous for their ideas, even if some might not have found the recognition they deserved.
Tanner fell asleep with the question, of whether Eric also reminisces about their time together as well.
The longer the fight went into the past, the rarer those lone nights became. However for Tanner, those fluttery feelings for Eric and the regret over their break-up never really stopped.
Even though he promised Abby not to do that anymore, Eric continued lurking in Tanner's chat. Although he wasn’t technically banned in the older ones' chat, the younger one used an alternative account, an alt, in case Tanner or someone from his chat checked the viewer list. A voice inside him told Eric, that he was so unimportant to the Canadian, that he didn’t even bother to block and ban properly, despite saying so.
Eric tried to hope differently. That it was a signal from Tanner to tell him that he kept the door open for the American. That maybe, yes maybe his feelings for the taller one were even reciprocated.
The times the voices were the worst when Tanner was doing co-op streams. How easy it looked for them, like the American had been replaced in his mind. That he was not even passing a thought anymore. Sometimes he thought of lurking with his main, to let Tanner know that he didn’t forget him.
He was happy that his friends asked nothing about crushes or relationships when he was hooked on that damn lie detector. Sure some were in a very obvious direction, but nothing outright to the topics he was sure he wanted to avoid. Though he guessed, Abby kept an eye on it.
Because how could he hide the fact that his “brainstorming sessions” were not just filled with Pokemon in from-Nintendo-and-Game-Freak-undesired-positions, but also with thoughts of a certain Canadian and the wish of never having fought with him in the first place.
The other times he watched Tanner’s streams, he wished could go back to the time they played together. Or even more, the times they talked about everything and nothing till the early morning hours. He truly missed those sessions. He missed knowing he was the reason for Tanner’s heartful laugh that was often followed by an even more stupid comment than Erics had been. He often thinks about trying to reach out again, apologizing, asking to be taken back again. But he didn’t know the words.
Thinking back to their old streams always got Eric’s heart racing, particularly the first one. The one after which he was sure his “small” celebrity crush was about to develop into something more. After a while, and a lot of streams and calls together, he was sure he loved the taller man. But the more he loved him, the worse the comments seemed to get. Or he just started to get more vulnerable to them. They were able to talk about everything, yeah, they were some sort of partners in crime in certain situations even. Still, he ate it all up and didn’t ask for help, until it was too late. Until Eric broke under it and lost all chance he thought he ever had.
He knew he had to apologize, but he just didn’t know how. And this thought came more often, the longer the fight was in the past.
It was one of the worst lone nights for Tanner.
For Eric, it was like a switch had just clicked.
The Canadian felt like he was about to drown in his tears, as he scrolled through his DMs with the American once again.
The younger one knew he had to apologize, now.
Tanner was confused, thinking he was hallucinating, when he saw that Eric had just written him.
Eric breathed before he hit enter, a message asking the older one to call him once he saw the message, that he wanted to apologize.
The Canadian didn’t even let a thought pass his brain before he clicked the call button.
“Uh, hi Tanner”.
It felt strange, hearing Eric say his name for the first time in months.
“I..uh, I wanted to apologize.”
Tanner did not dare to speak up, not wanting to dash the hopes rising inside him.
Tanner did not say anything, so Eric felt like he had to.
Eric started at the very beginning, how he couldn’t believe his luck back then, that THE SmallAnt, his idol, would stream with him and Tanner felt like Void-Eric sent all his questions to Eric to answer.
Eric spent a long time telling the Canadian how he felt throughout their friendship, how he let himself be swept away by the flood of comments and the voices in his head, everything that was on his heart, just shy of his love for him.
And Tanner had nothing left to do than to accept what was nothing less than the most heartfelt, and frankly best, apology he ever heard.
And so they spent the evening, reminiscing over the past. Making jokes like they used to, returning to their old ways. Until very late in the night, both drunk on joy, said in unison “Do you remember when I fell in love with you?”