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Sadie Doyle was most displeased with the light streaming in through the high glass windows of their penthouse. So rude, waking them up like that. It should know better. Somebody must have forgotten to teach it manners. She glared at the windows, thoughtlessly letting in the light without even asking, and screwed her eyes shut again in protest.
Although it was most uncharacteristic for the windows to be uncovered at all. It certainly couldn’t have been her doing – Sadie couldn’t remember for the life of her opening the heavy velvet drapes before they’d fallen asleep (whenever that was), and they’d definitely been closed beforehand. That she definitely remembered. Maybe too clearly for comfort. This light was making everything sharp and sober. Sadie did not like it at all. Evil light.
“Martini for your thoughts Sadie-love?” she heard, and opened her eyes to see her beloved Frank already at the drinks cart. Well, one of the drinks carts. Her current favourite, anyway. He poured two martinis and handed them both over to her before pouring two for himself as well.
“You could have them for free Frankenstein.” She replied, and clinked their glasses together.
“You drive a hard bargain Sadistic,” he said, already pouring another pair, “but I am curious as to why you looked quite so angry. Adorable nevertheless of course.”
“Naturally darling. It was just – Frank, I don’t remember opening the curtains last night, or whenever it was we fell asleep, and that light is both unnecessary and unwanted.”
“I was thinking the same. Why, I don’t think we’ve ever opened the curtains! Why would we?”
“Well, exactly darling! Who needs light to remind them that it’s day time? Who needs day time?”
“Who needs anything other than liquor and you?”
Clink!
“There is, perhaps, one other question that needs addressing.” Sadie pondered, screwing up her nose slightly and tilting her head as she considered.
“And what could that be?” Frank asked, as he reached over to refill their glasses once again.
“Either I have reached a new level of intoxication-“
“Without me?”
“- well, quite. Or, and this is considerably more likely – there really is mistletoe hanging from the ceiling.”
Frank looked up. Sure enough, there was an extortionately large bunch of mistletoe placed directly over the bed. It seemed to glow slightly, and looking at it he had the overwhelming compulsion to kiss his wife.
“Oh yes. So there is.”
And so he leaned over and kissed her, smiling at her adorable nose. “Sadie –”
“Yes?”
“Was that your doing?”
Sadie raised an eyebrow. “Frank. When on earth would I have managed that? Not to mention it would have required me to leave the bed, which has been recently somewhat difficult.” She motioned with her glass to the slim satin ropes still attached to the headboard, managing expertly to avoid spilling any of her drink.
“An excellent point. Well, I suppose the sensible thing to do would be to endeavour to discover exactly where the mistletoe came from and what its purpose in our apartment is.”
“But Frank, that will take so long! And there are so many things we could do instead.”
“Indeed, Sadie-love? Like what?”
“Well, like this!”
Clink!
*
The curtains were very firmly closed and the drinks cart was drained when they went to sleep that night. So when Frank Doyle awoke to see the sun streaming into the room and the ceiling further illuminated with bunches of slightly glowing mistletoe, he was understandably perturbed. He tried to sit up, but just as quickly found himself tugged back into his former position. Ah, he thought. Thursday. After a few minutes of struggle, he sighed and turned to the woman still prostrate by his side, one arm loosely draped across his chest and a leg resting between his. It was a shame to wake her when she looked as lovely as this. He comforted himself with the thought that she looked just as lovely awake, if not more so. With this reassurance, he gently shook her shoulder.
“Sadie love? Sadie?”
“Fraaank.” She replied, opening one eye blearily and squinting at him. “Is it day time again? Why?”
“Quite, dear. I was just wondering if you could possibly help me untie these restraints? It’s proving difficult on my own.”
“Well of course Frankenstein.” She said, sitting up and turning around. With the help of her fingernails (and comparative freedom of movement), he was quickly released.
“Sadie, now that I’m free, I believe it’s time to address our second problem.”
“As long as your freedom involves liquor and me Frank, I don’t see what problems we could probably have.” Sadie languidly sat up and reached into the nightstand to begin pouring their drinks before suddenly freezing and turning around slowly. “Frank. You didn’t-“
“Didn’t what?”
“Did you open a window? Has that – that bee got in again?”
“God no Sadie-love!” he cried, reaching to steady her trembling hands. “Never again.”
“Thank heavens. Hawaii in particular, that is rather my favourite. I simply couldn’t bear it after the last time. That bee! Our deadliest of foes.”
“And that is saying something.”
“Well, indeed. After that shock, I believe I’ll need a double. Four fingers in each I think. On second thoughts, maybe the whole fist.”
Clink!
“Aer your nerves appropriately steadied love?”
“I believe so. Now what was the dilemma you had discovered before the spectre of that bee rudely interrupted our discussion?”
“Well, only that it seems the mistletoe has returned.”
Sadie looked up.
“Ah.”
“Yes. And – although to confirm so would require leaving this bed, which is something I am most unwilling to do –“
“Naturally – “
“It appears from my view through the door that it has also spread to the other rooms in this apartment.”
Craning her neck, Sadie huffed slightly. “I believe you are correct Frank. I believe I can also see a plate of mince pies lying on the floor, and they certainly aren’t ours.”
“Mince pies? They sound ghastly.”
“Oh no Frank, they’re delightful! I remember them from my childhood, we used to have them whenever we’d go to London for the holidays to visit my Grandparents. But then, as much as I love them, they are really quite unnecessary when you possess as much liquor as we do. Why on earth would we need food? Is it me – and I may be wrong – but does this also smack of the supernatural to you?”
“Your unbroken streak continues Sadie-love. It most definitely does.”
“And – again, I may be wrong –“
“– Impossible –”
“– but every time we pass underneath the aforementioned mistletoe, do you also feel the overwhelming desire to kiss, Frankenstein?”
“I do indeed Sadistic!”
“Do you think this could be like that time with those alfur? The elves, pixies, dinklages, whatever it was we settled on calling them?”
“Quite possibly love. Only this time, instead of martinis, they appear to be providing us with opportunities to kiss. And while I would never normally condone such a goal, it does seem suspicious.”
“Indeed. Well, I know exactly how we can draw them out.”
“Does it involve moving at all?”
“Absolutely none. In fact, I propose we draw out this hideous monster by doing precisely nothing at all to frustrate whatever its dastardly intentions were.”
“An excellent idea. To doing exactly nothing! Apart from this, of course.”
Clink!
“Naturally.”
*
It didn’t take long. After a few most enjoyable hours, Frank noticed the bunches of mistletoe began moving across the ceiling, as if searching out victims. Luckily (and unsurprisingly), Frank and Sadie’s bed was big enough for them to evade the mistletoe until, finally, they heard a scream of frustration. The pair looked at each other, and then over to the heavy velvet curtains, which seemed to be shaking slightly. Pouring another drink, Frank reached down for the cane they kept by the bed and, leaning over, poked the curtain.
A small green creature leapt out, about knee height and dressed in a hugely oversized hand knitted Christmas jumper with ‘KISS ME FOR SANTA’ picked out in gold letters. He (or so Frank assumed at least) was also wearing a tattered red hat with a grey bobble hanging half-heartedly from the top, and on his feet were a pair of red felt shoes so large they looked more like boats.
“Ooh look Frank! A Christmas elf!” cried Sadie.
“Indeed Sadie-love.”
The elf stomped over to the bed (with great difficulty and little dignity) and looked up at them angrily.
“What’s wrong with you?” it shouted, firmly crossing its reedy arms. “You normally do nothing but kiss and clink your glasses together, but the minute someone actually wants you to, you stop! Why?”
Sadie frowned down at the elf. “I think the more pertinent question is why ever would you want us to? What exactly were you planning, suspiciously festive elf?”
Frank nodded. “I’d have to agree with my wife.”
“Hardly unusual darling.”
“You do have excellent sense.”
Clink!
“Yes!” cried the elf. “Just like that! Keep doing that!”
Sadie wrinkled her nose and tilted her head. “Not until you tell us why.”
“It’s nothing bad, honestly!”
“Now that,” commented Frank, ”we’ve heard before. It wasn’t true then and I rather doubt it to be so now. The truth please, Mr Christmas elf.”
“Ooh Frank, I think he may be a South Pole elf. I’ve heard they can be awfully grumpy.”
“That’s just a rumour the North Pole elves started to get back at us for having better scenery. And penguins.” The elf sighed, realising that his plan was swiftly unravelling as Frank and Sadie appeared unmoved by his declaration.
“Well, you know how North Pole elves collect human children and fill them with Christmas spirit to use as festive fuel?”
“Apparently.”
“Well, at the South Pole, we have a slightly different method of collecting Christmas spirit. We go out into the world and find sources of love, then we collect as much love as possible and store it up like a battery. It’s a cultural difference more than anything.”
“Hence the mistletoe?”
“Exactly! It’s been getting harder to find reliable sources, so I really thought I’d struck gold with you two. I was nearly at my quota when you realised, and a whole two weeks early as well! The first elf to complete their quota gets new clothing, and as you can see –“ he gestured to his shoes – “it’s been a while since I won.”
Frank and Sadie looked at each other, and moved over to the other side of the bed. Leaning close, Sadie whispered in Frank’s ear.
“He does seem mostly harmless darling. Do you think if he reaches his quota he’ll leave?”
“Perhaps. My only question is what exactly he needs this fuel for. Elves are tricky creatures after all.”
“Oh yes, I remember that time some got in here and made us all those drinks! If only there hadn’t been that soul eating creature involved.”
“Well, quite.” They scooted back over to face the elf and Sadie leant down until she was eye level. It took a while.
“Now tell us, Mr –“
“Buddy.”
“Mr Buddy the Elf. What, exactly – and be honest here – do you want with this love?”
“Well, we use it to fuel the sleigh.”
“Santa’s sleigh?”
“Yes.”
Sadie looked over at Frank, who also bent down. “And what are you not telling us?” He said suspiciously.
“Nothing, I swear! Believe me. I’ve told you everything there is to know about Santa, and his sleigh, and his evil plans.”
“You didn’t mention any evil plans so far.” Sadie commented, raising an eyebrow.
“No, because there are none!” The elf squeaked. “No evil plans! Only plans to spread love, and happiness, and yetis, and death.”
“Yetis.”
“Well, you call him Santa.”
“Death.”
“Only a little.”
“How much is a little?”
“Frank! Even a little is too much.”
“I suppose you’re probably right.”
“Probably?”
“Certainly. But will stopping whatever this elf is planning require exertion?”
“Fear not darling, I have a plan.”
“Music to my ears. And my glass.”
Clink!
The elf beamed as Frank and Sadie left the bed and began walking towards the door. As they did, the mistletoe above them began to shift and a new sprig appeared every step they took. And, in turn, every step they took, they kissed. By the time they reached the doorway, the elf was ecstatic.
“You’ve done it! That’s the quota reached! I’m finally going to have new shoes and – wait – wait – what are you doing?”
Frank and Sadie kept walking, clinking and kissing under every sprig that appeared. The elf started shaking, glitter tricking its way out of his bat-like ears.
“No – no – I can’t take much more! I can’t stop the mistletoe but there’s – just – too much – please stop!”
“Sorry darling,” Sadie said, making sure to clink as she did so, “but we can’t be allowing evil yetis to appear any time soon. Whatever those are.”
“No,” Frank agreed, “but if a day or two was enough to nearly fill you up, this should put you close to bursting. 140 and counting!”
“Oh – please – stop –“cried the elf, before suddenly bursting in a puff of peppermint scented dust. As he did, all the mistletoe disappeared from the ceiling in similar bursts, and the Doyles found themselves showered in a festive sprinkling.
Collapsing on the nearest chaise lounge, Sadie reached into the side cabinet for a fresh bottle.
“I do believe I have had quite enough of festive spirit for this year and possibly the next as well. Merry Christmas Frankenstein.”
“I couldn’t agree more. Merry Christmas Sadistic, and here’s to an uninterrupted new year.”
Clink!
*