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Sitting cross-legged on one side of the coffee table, Lu Guang leans back against the couch with a sigh. He watches as on the other side, Cheng Xiaoshi dramatically flops onto the floor, arms wailing and feet digging into his calves underneath the table.
“Lu Guaaaaaang, I hate math,” he whines. Pushing himself up to his elbows, Cheng Xiaoshi looks straight at Lu Guang’s eyes as he begs, “Let’s play basketball instead? Pleasee, it’s the perfect weather.”
It is not, in fact, the perfect weather. The wind has been rattling the windows all day long and the sky is as gray as ash. Not to mention, “Exams are next week,” and Cheng Xiaoshi promised to try his best. They wanted to go to college together, thus they needed good grades.
Seeing Cheng Xiaoshi sprawled all over the floor like this though, “Maybe we can move on from math for now,” Lu Guang suggested, if only to stop the pathetic display. Rifling through the mess on the desk he pulls out a couple books. Chemistry? No, too much calculation, same goes with physics. Language? Lu Guang does not want to think about dialects right now. History? Cheng Xiaoshi would probably fall asleep to it.
That’s when Cheng Xiaoshi interrupts his thoughts, “Can you teach me English?”
“... English?” They can, but Cheng Xiaoshi’s English isn’t terrible, not too different from Lu Guang. There is no reason to study it now, especially from him. So, “Why?”
Cheng Xiaoshi seems to take that as rejection, pouting back at him, “It’s the stupid tenses,” he whines, “I don’t get them at all.”
It’s not like Lu Guang is any better at tenses, but fine. He grabs a random notebook, flipping over to the last page and drawing a straight line with a notch in the middle. Quickly, he extends his leg and nudges Cheng Xiaoshi to sit up, making sure the other is paying attention as he labels one end as ‘past’ and the other as ‘future’ before pointing to the middle notch, “This here, is the present.”
Lu Guang pauses, letting Cheng Xiaoshi absorb the messy diagram he hastily made, only continuing once the other boy nodded. He moves his pen towards the ‘past’, making a dot and circling it, “Simple past tense is those -ed sentences. For example; she sat, you studied,...”
—
You died. (Simple Past)
That is a fact.
Your blood was in my hands, your breath left your body, your skin was ice cold, and I felt your pulse weaken beneath your wrist.
It hurts, but it must have been so much worse for you.
And for that, I’m sorry, I’m truly sorry.
I didn’t do anything to help you, I didn’t save you.
I’m sorry.
All I did, and all I could do, was hold you.
You died, Cheng Xiaoshi.
That’s why, I hate this past.
—
Lu Guang moves his pen towards the middle, once again making a dot and circling it, “This is simple present tense; I teach, he studies,” he contemplates for a moment, before Looking into Cheng Xiaoshi’s eyes and declaring, “You stink.”
“Hey!” the black haired boy protests, lifting the collar of his tee to take a sniff before letting go and slamming his hands on the table, “I’ve showered! You take that back,”
“It was an example, idiot.”
—
You laugh. (Simple Present)
This is reality.
I need to remember that.
This is the present now, this is reality.
I am seeing it with my own two eyes.
You sit in front of me. Happy and maybe a little bit annoyed at my teasing.
The table slam that you did was too loud, I don’t like it.
But your laughter that follows after is even louder, and I like it.
You laugh, Cheng Xiaoshi.
That’s why, I love this present.
—
Ignoring Cheng Xiaoshi’s loud voice, Lu Guang moves his pen once again, this time to the ‘future’ side, once again, circling a dot. Cheng Xiaoshi speaks before he could though, “And this one is simple future, yeah?”
Lu Guang nods, “They will write, he will study, I will not give. It’s those sentences.”
—
You will smile. (Simple Future)
From the very first time I saw you, your face is composed.
It wasn’t blank, you were definitely hiding what you’re feeling.
I wonder what you’re hiding.
I know it wasn’t happiness, not unburdened happiness at least.
It took me a moment to realize what it is.
There’s no denying it, I see something behind your eyes, a sadness that feels so familiar to me.
It was loneliness.
Loneliness and longing. And for some reason I hate seeing that look on you.
I hate it even more after I get to know you.
That’s why I want you to smile. I want you to release all your worries and live happily.
You will smile, Lu Guang.
That is what I will do for you.
—
“Then we have continuous tenses,” Lu Guang continues, “they’re on-going so,” he swipes his hands starting from the ‘past’ to make, “A straight line, -ing verbs.”
“Why straight lines?” Cheng Xiaoshi cuts in, a cheeky grin on his face, “I heard what you said but why not make it a wiggly line?”
Lu Guang stares at the other, silence ensues in the sunroom. Then quick as a cat, Lu Guang’s hand leapt towards Cheng Xiaoshi, swiping a messy line onto the back of his hands. “There’s your wiggly line,” he declares. Taking a calming breath before continuing on as if nothing happened.
“If it starts in the past and ends in the past, that’s continuous past, was and were sentences.” Then just like before, he provides examples, “She was running, They were sleeping.”
—
You were crying. (Past Continuous)
I didn’t know why, I still don’t know why.
I didn’t want to ask.
Even if I did, I don’t think you would tell me.
It was getting late, you were staying over, asleep on the couch.
I happened to grab a glass of water.
You were shaking, I saw it, I was worried.
So I came closer, and there you were sleeping curled on my sofa.
You were whimpering, you were crying.
And you were calling out my name.
I don’t want you to cry.
So I woke you up. I wanted you to stop and I made it stop.
You were crying, Lu Guang.
That is what I will do to you.
—
“So the next one is continuous present?” Cheng Xiaoshi asks, “I am eating, she is running, you are boring?” He finishes with a teasing look, arms crossed over the table and head resting upon it. The pen mark Lu Guang left would probably transfer to his tee, but that’s Cheng Xiaoshi’s problem.
Lu Guang’s problem is, It seems Cheng Xiaoshi is getting bored.
But what can Lu Guang do? He just sighs, drawing the line, and confirming, “Yes.”
—
You are staying. (Present Continuous)
That’s still hard for me to believe.
No one else did, not after my parents disappeared.
A part of me wants to be cynical.
Not for long, you are here now but how much longer until you leave.
But you won’t. I have a feeling you won’t.
I trust that you won’t.
You are here, you’re sitting in front of me, you’re teaching me English.
You listen to me and entertain me when you don’t have to.
I hope being by my side is worth it, I will make sure it’s worth it.
You are staying, Lu Guang.
That is what I will do with you.
—
Instead of continuing, Lu Guang looks at Cheng Xiaoshi with a raised eyebrow. This behavior confuses Cheng Xiaoshi, so he raises an eyebrow back only for Lu Guang to roll his eyes in response, “Not going to guess the next one?”
Oh, so that’s what he wants, making sure Cheng Xiaoshi is still paying attention. With a grin, he amuses him, “Continuous future?”
Lu Guang nods at that, “They will be flying, she will be running, I–”
“Why do you keep using some random girl running?” Cheng Xiaoshi interrupts.
Lu Guang is going to develop a headache, “Shut up.”
—
You will be celebrating. (Future Continuous)
September 12th, that is the day you died.
But if you had lived, if I had saved you.
The date will move on to October, and eventually, October 24th.
You always have been overly excited for my birthday.
Even more than a month early you will be asking me what I want as a present.
Back then, I couldn’t answer yet, I didn’t know what I wanted.
Now, I still couldn’t answer, because all I wanted is for you to live.
If you had lived, if I had saved you.
We will be celebrating.
And I know you will prepare some form of surprise too.
I don’t mind it. As much as I don’t care much for it, if it’s from you, I love it.
You will be celebrating, Cheng Xiaoshi.
That’s why, I love the future.
—
“Have you been talking with Qiao Ling?”
Lu Guang can only sigh and ignore Cheng Xiaoshi’s distraction, “Then there’s perfect tenses,” he says.
Cheng Xiaoshi is not listening though, interrupting with a nonchalant, “Cause lately she’s been bugging me to join her morning run, figured she got to you too.”
Fine, two can play at that game. Moving his pen, he starts a short line starting beyond the ‘past’ and ends shortly before it. Interrupting Cheng Xiaoshi’s next ramble, “If it had ended in the past, it’s past perfect tense.”
“Yeah, I know,” Cheng Xiaoshi dismisses, “She had ran–”
“Run.”
“But that’s the first verb…”
“And the third verb, we’re using third verbs now. Pay attention, Cheng Xiaoshi.”
—
You had bled. (Past Perfect)
Your blood drying on my arms and beneath my nails.
Not anymore, not in this loop. Not yet, at least.
Hopefully not ever.
Because you had bled out into my arms.
You had lost, the light in your eyes and the breath in your lungs.
I feel like I had lost something there too.
But then I dived, and all the things you had lost returns.
So why are all the things I’ve lost still unreachable.
It’s at the ends of my fingertips.
I held it once, so why can’t I grasp it now?
I need you, and I had lost you
You had bled, Cheng Xiaoshi.
That’s why, I hate that past.
—
“That’s stupid, why would they use the same word for the first and third verb,” Cheng Xiaoshi whines, and honestly? Lu Guang can’t blame him, he hates it too, English is dumb and doesn’t make any sense.
And they still have five more tenses to go, which is why they should stop complaining about random nonsense and keep going. This time, he draws a line from the ‘past’ and stops short just before the ‘present’ notch.
“Present perfect,” Lu Guang declares, “They have lived, she has run,”
“You definitely have been hit by Qiao Ling’s running pitch,” Cheng Xiaoshi sing-songs.
—
You have asked. (Present Perfect)
In previous loops, you have asked.
You have invited me.
To be your roommate and your partner.
And in every single loop, I have agreed.
I have moved in, I have run the studio with you.
There’s still a couple more years before you ask in this loop, though only a couple months before we become roommates in college.
I missed you. I missed only having to peek over a railing to see you.
You have asked me to be your roommate before.
You will ask again, and I will agree again.
I know you will.
You have asked, Cheng Xiaoshi.
That’s why, I love the present.
—
Lu Guang had enough, he’s exasperated, “Can we stop bringing up Qiao Ling- jie and her morning run?”
And yet, Cheng Xiaoshi still has the gall to look at him with that playful look. Lazy eyes and a grinning smile, he is a dog dropping his owner a stick for the umpteenth time. He is getting what he wants and he knows what he wants is close.
Lu Guang is not going to give it to him. He huffs and draws a third short line, stopping short from the ‘future’, “Future perfect tense. We will have eaten, I will have moved, she will have–”
“Run!” Cheng Xiaoshi exclaimed, sitting up straight in celebration, “There you go again, Lu Guang~”
—
You will have moved. (Future Perfect)
Moved in, with me, into the studio.
Or, well, I hope you will.
I will have asked, eventually.
We’ve known each other for what? A little more than a year now.
It feels like so much longer. You are already an important part of my life.
As much as I cling to it, this house was haunted by ghosts.
But you stopped it, you and your hidden playfulness made this house lively again.
It’s selfish of me, but I want you to stay. I want you here, forever.
You’ll keep the ghosts at bay, and I’ll do everything else.
I’ll cook, I’ll get groceries, I’ll clean or at least try to clean as best I can. I’ll make you happy. Anything, just to get you to stay.
And if you move, you won’t have to worry about taking the bus home anymore.
You will always be home.
You will have moved, Lu Guang.
That is what I will do for you
—
“Fine, you idiot! She did invite me to her morning run,” Lu Guang gives. It was true anyway, Qiao Ling is starting to dedicate herself to a healthier lifestyle, and Lu Guang turns her down because he would much rather nap under the warm rays of the sun.
Cheng Xiaoshi is laughing in earnest now, happy he guessed correctly. Lu Guang ignores him, pen ready to draw the next line as if nothing happens. His hands falter over the paper though, a movement Cheng Xiaoshi notices and makes him sober up, “What’s wrong?”
Lu Guang flushes, hands moving to hide his face from view, “... I’m not sure where the next one goes. I struggle with perfect continuous tenses,” he shamefully admits. In a distracted manner, he starts speaking, “Past perfect continuous; I had been swimming, she had been running…”
Taking a deep breath, he composes himself, “It just ended so I think,” he draws a line, shaky and unsure, spanning from the ‘past’ and stopping before the ‘present’ notch. “… it goes like this.”
—
You had been speaking. (Past Perfect Continuous)
There was something you wanted to say.
You had been speaking before you lost your breath, before blood pours out of your mouth.
Mouth opening, calling out my name, trying to grab my focus.
I denied you back then.
I figured, whatever you have to say to me, you could say after the crisis.
You never made it past the crisis.
I still haven’t heard what you wanted to say.
Even though it’s been countless loops of holding you in my arms, watching as you struggle to make a noise.
You had been speaking, and then you didn’t.
I am always left wondering, pondering.
What was it, what was so important to you, that you wasted your last breath for it.
I didn’t know, and I still don’t know.
I refuse to know.
I stand by my choice that day.
Whatever you wanted to say on that day, you can say it after your survival.
I don’t want any ‘last words’ from you.
You had been speaking, Cheng Xiaoshi.
That’s why, I hate that past.
—
Lu Guang can’t help but bite his lip in frustration, “I don’t think I’m fit to teach English,” he defeatedly admits.
Cheng Xiaoshi raises one of his hands, resting it on Lu Guang’s unused hand. “You’re doing fine so far, Lu Guang,” he reassures, “Keep going. I trust you. Just a little bit more, right?”
“... Okay.”
Cheng Xiaoshi gives an encouraging smile, “What’s the next one?” he asks, “Present continuous perfect?”
“Present perfect continuous, it’s still on-going” Lu Guang corrects, drawing a line from the ‘past’ to just above the ‘present’ notch. “They have been drawing, she has been running.”
—
You have been waiting. (Present Perfect Continuous)
I know you are. We are similar that way, we’re always waiting.
But unlike me, you are waiting, as if there’s not a single doubt in your mind that it will come.
It must be easier, knowing that for sure.
Except, whoever or whatever you’re waiting for brings you dread.
I managed to wait, for as long as I did, a whole decade and counting, because I love them, I love who I’m waiting for.
You loathe what’s coming, you fear what’s coming, yet you still wait. Why is that?
It’s eating away at you, I can see it. So why won’t you let it go?
I hate seeing you like this.
Come, focus on me instead, I’m here with you.
You have been waiting, Lu Guang.
That is what I will do with you.
—
Cheng Xiaoshi’s hand is still resting on Lu Guang’s hand. If anything, it has shifted from merely resting a gentle hold. Neither of them mention it, Lu Guang would like to think that both of them are enjoying the comfort it gives.
Cheng Xiaoshi’s head is resting on the table again though, he’s softly looking up at Lu Guang from the curtains of his bangs. “Last one?” he asks.
“Last one,” Lu Guang affirms, “Future perfect continuous tense.” With that, Lu Guang draws the longest line, running from the ‘past’ and well into the ‘future’ as Cheng Xiaoshi cheers along.
“I will have been staying, they will have been living,” he concludes.
—
You will have been living. (Future Perfect Continuous)
Happily.
If I had succeeded, you would have been many things. Living, laughing, crying, anything.
I had to keep trying, I will keep trying.
I swear that you will survive. I will do anything to make sure that you do.
I will succeed, I will save you. If not in this loop, then the next one.
I don’t know how yet but when I finally succeed we will be enjoying this life together.
Or at the very least, you will. Because you are the best thing in my life, the most precious and the most important.
You will not be dying. I swear I will not let that future come.
I have lived in that future without you.
You will have been living, Cheng Xiaoshi.
That’s why, I hate that future.
—
“That’s the last one,” Lu Guang says, “Did you get it?”
But before he finished his question, Cheng Xiaoshi was already standing up, “Yeaaah! Finally,” he celebrates, “It’s over! Let’s play basketball, Lu Guang!”
Lu Guang feels exhausted, English sucks the energy out of him and he wouldn’t mind stopping this study session and playing basketball now. Except, as he leans back against the couch as stares at the glass window above him, he feels even more dejected.
“Idiot. It’s going to rain,” he says, watching as the leaves blew with the wind beneath the thick rolling clouds, “We won’t get to play.”
Cheng Xiaoshi doesn’t seem to be listening, already reaching behind the sofa for the ball. Or maybe he just doesn’t care, since he only replies, “It’s fine~ It’s only a drizzle. It will be fun!” The wind blows harder, a branch smacks loudly against the glass.
Lu Guang can only give the other a blank stare, gesturing vaguely out the window. “I am not walking home in drenched clothing,” especially while being sore after playing basketball, Lu Guang knows from experience how passionate Cheng Xiaoshi could be in a game. “I will have to take a bus home while dripping wet.”
Cheng Xiaoshi already got the ball in hand though, he’s now running upstairs to change his slippers into shoes too. His voice echoing down the stairs, “Use my clothes! You can use my shower!” he exclaims, it seems his mind is made up, rushing back down the stairs and plopping down next to Lu Guang to tie his shoe.
“Please, Lu Guang… It’ll be fun, I promise,” he begs, one last time. Sitting next to one another, their sides brushing against each other, Lu Guang can’t look away from Cheng Xiaoshi’s earnest eyes. “I’ll even let you shower first, use all the hot water,” Cheng Xiaoshi offers.
“... Fine,” Lu Guang gives, picking up the ball and walking towards the front door. Cheng Xiaoshi’s cheers of excitement follows behind him.
He never could say no to Cheng Xiaoshi.
Besides, Cheng Xiaoshi is right. They’re doing it together.
If Cheng Xiaoshi can make English interesting, of course basketball with him will be fun.