Chapter Text
He swore there was a dead weight above his waist, something warm behind him that he felt like he was breathing, it wasn't his imagination. That was a person. In his drunkenness the night before he had slept with someone and he was one hundred percent sure that, when he opened his eyes, he had seen those horrible worn-out red shoes before.
He looked at the hand that was around him, it was decorated with a bracelet that he had seen before. It was the bracelet he gave Bangchan five years ago on his birthday.
Bangchan, the same boy who was around since before Felix walked away from Minho. Bangchan, the same one with whom he spent much of his childhood playing video games. Bangchan, Minho's best friend, his brother.
Is impossible. No no no no. He thought it was just a coincidence, it couldn't be him. There were other guys with that same bracelet and those same shoes, right?
Although inside him he knew that it was highly unlikely that any other boy would have the same poster that he knows Bangchan stole when he was 15.
He took the hand, of what he hopes to be a stranger, by the wrist and moved it away from his - clearly naked - body, trying to ensure that whoever was behind him wouldn't wake up. He sat on the bed, refusing to see the boy's face. If he couldn't see who he was, that wouldn't have to mean it was Bangchan right?
(Did that make sense?)
He didn't want to see it, he just wouldn't ever forgive himself if that stranger was Chan. Or worse, Minho would never forgive him (even if Felix refused to see his brother).
He felt how the boy next to him moaned from the lack of contact, then how he moved to change sides. And there was nothing more to refuse. The sound that boy made was the same one Bangchan made when he was hit by his brother.
He had slept with his brother's best friend. There was nothing left to refuse.
But he couldn't remember anything that gave any indication that the two had hooked up. The whole night was blurry, he just made out how Seungmin left him alone to go flirt with whoever he was there, and he ran into Chan. They had something to drink, he remembers, he also remembers that they both smoked together and that they drank more. Maybe he cried at some point during the night because his eyes hurt and felt heavy, although it could also be a result of a hangover.
He wanted to run away from Chan's room. He felt worse than he thought he looked, he wanted to cry, scream.
His world couldn't be more broken.
But how did he come to the bed of Bangchan, aka, her brother's best friend, after his brother introduced him to his new boyfriend a week ago?
◆
Four years ago...
It was an almost quiet afternoon, a friend from his class was at his house to do a team project that the science teacher had left for them. They were laughing and playing in the living room when his older brother arrived at his house with a bright smile that almost made him smile back.
"Yongbok, where is dad?" Minho said almost running everywhere without greeting anyone.
"Hey Minho" said his friend at that moment, who apparently was having a strong crush on his brother because of his red cheeks, although his first sign was when he insisted on doing work at his house while asking him every hour about the arrival of his brother.
Well, another possible close friendship ruined by the amazing and fabulous Lee Minho.
"The old man is in his office, what's wrong with you?" Felix tried not to roll his eyes to appear to be a good brother in front of his classmate, no longer his friend.
His father came down from the second floor, somewhat shocked by the noise of Minho running everywhere looking for him. "What's going on here?" the older man asked when Minho finally calmed down in the room.
And in front of everyone right there, Minho broke the news.
"I entered"
Minho, who was 18 years old at the time, had managed to enter the Korea National University of Arts.
The dream of both Lee brothers, to enter that university in different faculties. Minho majored in dance, while Felix wanted to enter the drama program.
Minho had a celebration with instant ramen and a movie marathon that they always watched when his brother won something big which was always. Felix's friend left immediately after the news. While Felix just stayed silent the whole time looking at his phone from time to time.
It's not that he wasn't happy for his brother, he could tell he was very excited about it, but his father in the future would be comparing him to that. Since Minho managed to enter on the first try, proving to be better than Felix.
And has always been like that.
Lee Minho was better at everything than Felix.
As children, when his mother was still alive, they were both put in the same karate class that Felix was good at, but Minho was better than him winning all the medals. When they got a little older, they were put in an art class, where Felix stood out, but Minho just shined with every piece he made. Felix might be good at playing an instrument, but Minho managed to master it. If Felix was good or excelled at something, Minho was better and shined at it.
His parents never intended for both of them to compete with each other, or for Felix to be after Minho's shoes all the time, or so it seemed, because Felix in his childhood did not have the need to want to be better at something than his brother, I admired him. He wanted to be like him. While his mother pampered him with every little action Felix did, that was enough, because his mother loved him. While his father was always looking out for Minho, who rewarded him for everything.
And even though it was like that, Felix never felt less loved by his father, much less less approved.
Little Felix never noticed the abysmal difference between him and Minho.
And it was that while Minho always had the approval of both of his parents, Felix only had the total and complete approval of his mother, while he only obtained it from his father in one way or another.
That all changed with the death of his mother when Lee Felix was 7 and Lee Minho was 8.
For Felix, his childhood ended at the age of 7 and he was buried next to his mother, because from that day on, he always strove to have all the approval that his father provided to his brother. On the other hand, Minho's childhood was only destroyed a little, as his world continued to revolve around being the best without even trying and he got all the approval from his father.
He was jealous of his brother, he just wanted his father to be proud of him one day. That one day he will look at him with approval.
Maybe that caused him to separate from his brother as they grew older.
The competition that he felt was one-track was becoming more and more difficult, because he was never good at school on his own, while Minho was the president of his class with good grades. And even if he tried, it would never be enough for anyone.
He had very few friends, only two, Seungmin and Hyunjin, who were in his same year. They were both only children, they would not understand the feeling of competing alone in a race that you already know you have lost, but they still tried to understand it and listened to him cry when he felt like the worst shit in the world and not enough for his father.
The only person who perhaps understood the competition between siblings might be Minho's best friend, Bang Christopher Chan, or as he preferred to call him, Channie. A boy two years older than him.
Felix met him even when his mother was still alive, and soon the three of them became inseparable, they were always together. They played by calling them "Bang-Two-Lee" and you could even say they were best friends until Felix's metaphorical childhood death.
Felix remembers that it was a stage in which he barely went to class because of the sadness he felt at not seeing his mother anymore, so sometimes it was Chan who took him out of the refuge that was his room and made him go eat ice cream even when Winter was approaching.He was kind to him when he cried and lived with a smile when Felix was in a testy mood. As children, Felix lived waiting for Chan when Minho returned home after playing so that the youngest of the three would play with the curly-haired boy. They were close, remember, maybe because the age distance of two years when Bang entered high school separated them somewhat, but it wasn't enough for them to not stop talking even by text, even if Minho never found out after the worst part of their fracture in their relationship as brothers.
'I understand you' Bangchan used to say 'I know it's hard to live under the expectation of being better than your brother even when you're already the best you.'
Even though he didn't talk to Bangchan as much anymore, he knew that he would always understand everything that was going on in his head, and for years he thought that maybe Chan felt the same way he did. They were friends after all.
Felix felt that he was closer to his brother's best friend than to his own brother.
◆
Months passed and Minho had already graduated with honors, among those present at his party were Minho's friends that Felix himself did not know of their existence, there were even Hyunjin and Seungmin, who were not ones to go to that type of end celebrations. . of year.
It was a happy day for everyone, for Minho it was the last day of his school life to start his university life, for Felix it was a happy day because he saw Bangchan after a long time, who was sporting beautiful ash blonde hair. He suited him well.
The day after the party, Chan was still in town, so Felix took the opportunity to catch up with him.
He learned that Chan had managed to get a better position among his class while he balanced his job at a production studio as an intern. He had a nice girlfriend who was still with him even when stayed in his room for days without leaving it because she wanted to work. Everything was fine in his life, and now that Minho had finished school, they could live together since their home was close to K-Arts, so it would be the best for both of them.
Hearing that, Felix wishes more than anything that he could be enough to have what Chan has.
Maybe if he try it.
◆
In his last year of high school, Felix met Han Jisung, the boy of his dreams.
Jisung entered school in his last year because in later years he was in Malaysia with his family, but now that his father got a job in Korea, he could study there for as long as he wanted. It was what he said in his presentation.
Felix could say that Jisung is the cutest boy he's ever seen. He had the sweetest and kindest look he had ever seen, his cheeks resembled that of a squirrel and that made him even more adorable. He was cute, smart and kind to everyone.
The perfect boy.
It's a shame that she spent the entire year pining for him without doing anything to get to know him beyond his sighs.
The only good thing was that when they would get to the end of the year, they would never see each other again. So Felix would get over her crush on him.
Right?
He was very wrong.
Throughout his senior year, Felix worked hard to get a spot for K-Arts.
He tried to catch up with his brother in his grades, managing to be one of the first in the class in the first semester, and reaching the top of the class in the second. Thus he managed to present well-done work to get an interview to gain entry without competing with others. When the email arrived informing him that he managed to enter the Faculty of Performing Arts. That day, when she informed his father, he saw for the first time there was approval in his eyes, and he felt the greatest pride he could ever taste in his life.
That night he spent at Hyunjin's house with Sungmin, since both had managed to enter a university near his, so they could live together as they always thought in high school. It was a happy day.
The first day at K-Arts he would have to meet his brother and Chan, because in Minho's words, the institution was big and the least he wanted was for Felix to get lost.
(Félix thought he only said it to appear in front of his father)
During his first day he was about to get lost everywhere, he almost got lost in the food court, and he was about to cry because of how alone he felt, until he saw him again: A fluffy head of hair walking around, with a suitcase full of anime pins and pants that almost reached the floor because they were so baggy, characteristics of Han Jisung that he loved and that he found endearing.
It seems that his crush from his last year of high school would continue to haunt him for a long time to come. And Felix would not refuse to approach him. Maybe he could come up with something.
But before that, he should put it on the table himself because he started to like it. Well, if it was because that boy looked perfect in his eyes, he was cute and kind to him, but he also brought joy to his life even if they were just classmates, plus the few times they spoke Jisung spoke to him without another intention to meet his brother -mainly because he did not know of the existence of Lee Minho- and with him he did not feel the need to show him that he was Lee Felix, the boy who want to be a theater actor, not Lee Felix, the Minho's younger brother.
Everyone came to love Jisung, but he felt that he himself was the one who could appreciate him the most even from afar.
During his had 18 years, Felix wanted to be friends with Jisung, but he was afraid that he wouldn't be enough for him. He wanted to show him that he was someone he could fall in love with, but his shyness wouldn't allow it. Nor could his inadequacy with himself allow him to be happy with Jisung even if he had approached him in their high school days. He just wanted to be someone in the lives of his acquaintances without being the guy who tried too hard.
So with Jisung he was different, and that's why he liked him a lot.
At some point in his rambling thoughts, Jisung stood a few feet away from him. He didn't notice at the time that it happened, but when the short guy looked up from him, he met Han's beautiful eyes full of emotion. Jisung immediately approached him, appearing very excited to meet a familiar face.
“Lee Felix! It's a glad that you are here, how are you? It is a joy that you were able to enter here, what faculty are you in? Have you already had the first class? I heard the food here is delicious, have you already eaten? Not me yet, we should eat together. It's a joy that you can meet someone here! I will no longer have to eat alone as I imagined.” Jisung peppered him with questions without giving him a chance to answer them all, a characteristic he never noticed about him. But now he couldn't help but think that wasn't something surprising about it.
“Wow Jisung… I'm also glad you're here. I feel fine, I guess” he responded with some nervousness, because he felt that his hands were shaking and his legs would fail at any moment. “I entered the faculty of performing arts, and you? Oh, that question also applies to how you are, I say. And I haven't eaten yet, I was just about to go. I'd love to eat with you too, I guess... Is not a bad 'I guess'! I’m just a little nervous, I-… Sorry.”
Jisung was silent for a moment, and he felt the need to run away because he had definitely ruined it, in every sense of the word, he ruined it. Felix looked away from Jisung's body and started looking at the floor. He didn't want to see Han's strange look, until he felt giggles next to him. Han Jisung was laughing at what he was saying, at how nervous he was. He doesn't consider it a bad thing, because the sound of his laughter was enough. “Godness Felix, I never thought you'd be in performing arts school... It suits you now that I think about it. But buddy-” buddy? “- don't be nervous, it's just me you know?” he said at the end, showing him a cute smile.
Felix could feel his heart in his ears, felt his cheeks red.
He definitely liked Jisung, and it wasn't a passing crush like he once thought it would be.
◆
Felix was now 21 years old, in his third year of college, and closer to Jisung every day than he ever thought he would be.
They were friends, they had lunch at least once a week and they wrote to each other almost often, but even so he sometimes felt that he was further from being Jisung's boyfriend than he was three years ago.
It wasn't that he was bothered by that fact, in fact, he himself had gone out with a few boys and girls during that time. He had had casual encounters with people at parties. And to begin with, he was just Jisung's friend from high school.
He had also met Jeongin in his art class (and had even gotten involved with him). But still, Jisung would be the boy who made him feel like Felix was worth something. He felt that would never change, and although it still seemed somewhat impossible for Han to be any closer in his life, he didn't believe he should be any other way.
So he was fine, perfectly.
His life was also going well. He still lived with Seungmin and Hyunjin in a larger apartment than the previous one, and that's why he now had to work in a cafeteria that was close to his university, but that gave him more opportunities to meet more people, right?
He didn't complain about that, because he also worked with Chan, and that seemed perfect to him.
Chan and Minho were still friends. Chan broke up with his girlfriend after two years of dating, to which he claimed that her breakup was due to a lack of communication. He was saddened by the news, since Felix really liked the girl. She was kind to him even when the two of them happened to meet at university.
Felix knew that sometimes Chan had a habit of overexerting himself in his work and in his studies, reaching the point of being hospitalized because of it, but Sana, Chan's ex-girlfriend, did not let that happen. And when they finished, Chan fell back into the same habits for a long time, so sometimes it was Felix who had to take the oldest out of the studio. But in the same way, that didn't bother him.
He spent less time with Minho, so he no longer felt the constant need for approval from all of his friends, so he might be able to say that he got along better with him. In addition to the fact that the short time they didn't lived together made him miss him a little, just a little.
Now, he was about to have lunch with Jisung. For some reason that afternoon he would dare to ask him out on a date. He felt ready with himself to achieve it, after all, he believed he had understood the signals that his friend was giving him.
The flirtatious smiles, the physical contact, the looks, more outings in a row. He maybe he was getting the idea right for the first time. He wanted to be with Jisung. He loved him.
Now, he was waiting for him meanwhile was talking to Chan via message.
Channiee 01:24
lixxxx
do you think it is possible to sleep awake?
like, you know
You 01:24
what?
r u high?
Channiee 01:25
noooo
i was just curious
am bored :(((
You 01:25
why don't you talk to minho?
am about to do something that will change the course of my life.
Channiee 01:25
he is busy with his new boyfriend
besides, there is nothing to do in the studio because of the finals :(
i invite you to watch a movie today, what do you think?
so you can tell me better what you are going to do today ;)
You 01:25
nsjslddk ok
i'll wait for you at my apartment later then
oh
sungie has arrived
i leave you Channie ;)
Felix felt his phone vibrate from messages from Chan going crazy (or so he thought) about his important matter. He knew Chan well enough to bet everything that he was looking like a teenager right now after seeing a video of his favorite idol winking at him. That was Bangchan, and he wouldn't change any of it.
He liked it that way.
When he looked up, he saw how Jisung was wearing cargo pants, something that never changed as time went by, a white t-shirt, which he already recognized as being his friend's favorite, and a gray jacket that looked familiar from somewhere. He had never seen it on Jisung because he would remember it, because it suited him very well. Too much.
"Sorry I'm late Yongbokie... I was, I was late," he apologized as he sat at his table, in front of Felix. I notice how Jisung was wearing lip gloss, which was a little smudged, he probably must have rubbed his hand over it and not realized.
"No, it's not a problem Jisungie. I didn't wait too long if I'm honest" Felix smiled.
"Have you ordered yet? I'm dying of hunger and cold..." Jisung smiled taking the menu, although he already knew what he was going to take.
"Nope, I haven't ordered anything yet. I think I'll order the same thing as always. What about you?" Felix looked over the menu he had in his hands, since he had already planned what he would have since he left his house. It didn't hurt to prepare for everything and calm his nerves.
"I think the same as you... I really liked the milkshake you ordered the other time!" Jisung laughed.
"Ah..." Felix complained jokingly. "You should bought your own things next time Jisung. The cafeteria doesn't pay me enough."
"Hey, this time I'll pay! I don't even want your money..." Jisung showed a tender pout that Felix liked so much.
"No, I don't mind Sungie. It was a silly joke." Felix laughed, being followed by the loud laughter of his friend.
"Well, Felix, what did you call me for?" Jisung asked after the waiter approached to ask for his order with doubt in the form of a question mark in his head. Figuratively of course.
"Not at all, Sungie, I just wanted to go out with you, or is that not allowed?" Felix said again jokingly.
"It is, it's just funny that you ask me out, usually it's me" Well, it's true. Felix went out with Jisung because Jisung asked him first, it wasn't because he was afraid of the answer even though it had been almost three years, almost four.
It wasn't as if every attempt to ask Jisung out on a date ended with Felix in his bed listening to loud music while Chan, or failing that Seungmin or Hyunjin if they weren't too busy, prepared the living room for a night of karaoke to wake up. the moods.
"It's not for nothing, I already said..." Everything was fine, it's not like his hands were sweating like his pants were on fire. He shouldn't say anything to Jisung yet, right? He had time to act crazy and pretend that it was just an outing with no ulterior motives.
"Oh, well. Did you find out that the art teacher is dating the nurse?" Jisung had the ability to make an entire conversation take an unexpected turn, so he just sighed waiting for the waiter to deliver his order while he conspired with Jisung about the romantic lives of two people he had no interest in at all absolute.
Felix never let go of his phone, and he only realized this when he felt it vibrate indicating that a new message had arrived. He was waiting for Seungmin, since that morning he had left him a post-it where he asked him if there was anything missing for the house. He turned on his lock screen, when Jisung turned to see a dog that entered the cafeteria, only to confirm that it was Seungmin's message, since around that time Seungmin's classes ended.
It wasn't a message from Seungmin that came. It was from Minho. His brother who never texted him, much less called him, so he assumes it must be something important for that to happen.
Minho 01:40
Bok, are you free this weekend?
Dad wants to see us
I will also prepare dinner
I will introduce you to my new boyfriend
I'm not pressuring you to go
It's okay if you don't want to go.
Bye, answer me when you have time
The messages left him baffled, Minho introducing him to his new boyfriend? It had never happened, before his brother had had the occasional partner that didn't last a month, so it must be something serious to present it to the family. He was happy for Minho, after so many people who passed by him, it's good that he now feels ready for a formal relationship.
"Felix, did something happen?"
"Huh?"
"Your face, I was looking at the dog -it,s so fucking cute- and when I see you you look scared, is everything okay?" Jisung asked worriedly.
"Yes, yes," he really wasn't. "It's just that my brother just wrote to me and well, he doesn't usually do it," Felix responded, trying to give a smile, but instead a strange grimace formed.
"I didn't know you had a brother... Is everything okay with him? Did something bad happen?" he asked again in the same way.
"No, nothing bad happened" he sighed "It just- I don't really get along with my brother... It's not that he hates me- I think? We're just not close" he mumbled quickly, so much that Jisung's eyes narrowed to keep up with him "He invited me to dinner at his house this weekend".
"Oh, I see... So you don't get along with your parents either?" Felix and Jisung were friends, but not close enough for Felix to confess that the fact that he and Minho are not so close is really his fault, much less to tell him that his mother died when he was a child.
"I get along well with my father, it's just that he always preferred my brother over me- Besides..." his voice was cut off, he felt his eyes burn, he couldn't cry in front of Jisung. It had been years since his mother's death, he would have to get over it once and for all. "My mother passed away when I was a child"
There was silence for a long time after what she said, it was awkward. The rest of the diners were talking happily, the workers continued at their work. It was only in Felix's head that time had stopped.
Years had passed, but he had never said that complete sentence to anyone other than his father, Minho, or Chan. Stills hurt.
"I'm so sorry to hear that. Felix... I-" Jisung sighed heavily, it seemed more like he was short of breath. "You know you can count on me right?" Jisung took his hand, he was frozen "You're a good friend to me, so I never thought that was the most mysterious thing in your life..." he murmured "You're strong Felix."
I'm not strong, he thought.
They spent a long time like that, or so it was in Félix's head. Inside her it seemed like hours as he felt Jisung's hand grow colder, almost freezing him. He didn't like the feeling. It was different, he never thought Jisung's hand was so cold. On the other hand, Chan's hand was warmer when they talked about his childhood.
Why Felix was thinking about Bangchan now?
"Jisung, I want to tell you something" she needed to say it now, his mind was going fast, it wasn't the time to say it. He knew it, but he needed to do it. He believed that if he didn't talk they would never get anywhere. If Jisung wanted him, this should mean something. Jisung understood, he didn't say the same things as the others when they found out about his mother's death.
"Tell me Felix, I'm listening" that sounded so... soft.
"Jisung, for a long time I-"
An almost funny sound sounded. It was Jisung's phone. He took it, and when he did, his eyes widened. "Felix, sorry for interrupting you... But it's something important..." he apologized.
"No problem Sungie, I'll wait"
"Thank you..." Jisung took the call, and almost as if he were someone else, her tone of voice changed to a more solid "Changbin-hyung, can't you call me later?" Apparently the voice on the other end was very stupefying. "What? Speak slower, I don't understand." Felix could almost hear the other voice saying (or rather shouting) 'Jisung-ah, you lost the demo' "Ah, I lost the demo? I left it in Bangchan-ssi's file..." he sigh, it was Jisung's habit apparently- Wait, Bangchan? "Hmm, do you want me to go to the studio? I'm with a friend hyung...Do I need to be there?...Ah...Okay, see you" Jisung ended his call and put one of his hands on his face, he seemed exhausted now that he noticed it better.
"Something happened?" Jisung didn't need to say that he had to leave right now, but Felix decided to act like he doesn't know it. That way his poor attempt at a confession would hurt less.
"I'm sorry again Felix, at the new studio I work at- I told you about it right?" Felix nodded "Well, they need me because a file I was in charge of was lost... Plus they want something else. I'm so sorry" he apologized again.
"It's okay Jisung... No problem, I understand. Next time..." he murmured. He really wanted to cry.
"I'll pay the check, don't worry... I love you Felix, you're my best friend" it hurt.
Jisung, as he said, went to pay the bill before he left the establishment. The last thing he saw of his friend was that jacket that seemed familiar, it had a tear mark on one of the bottom parts of it.
The place he left empty was frozen. Felix never liked the cold.
He didn't really feel like thinking about it. His mind was overwhelmed. Thinking about his mother made him feel that way. He really wanted to cry and make himself small so that his mother could hug him and tell him that everything was okay. He wanted to be small so that his brother would hug him because he was afraid of the storm, although that would never happen again because Felix was no longer small and because he was not close to Minho.
If only his mother hadn't passed away, he would be fine. His relationship with Minho would be different. Maybe he would be a little happier. He wanted to be happy without the need to pretend that he was perfectly fine with being second in everything. Even in his life.
He stayed in the cafeteria for a long time until one of the waiters sent him away. He had gone a long time without asking for anything more than he did when Jisung was still around. It was fair.
He looked at his phone again, it was a messages from Seungmin and some from Bangchan. Maybe they would have good news.
Seung 02:43
hey, dumbass
I need you to buy toilet paper
hyunjin's dog ate it again :p
Oh, by the way, it will take me a while to get there, maybe the other fool too
You 02:54
ok fool, I'll buy it now
I don't promise to leave the food ready for you :^
Well, at least he could distract himself by going to the supermarket to buy that. He would get some cigarettes along the way.
Channie 01:26
OMFG
he's the guy you told me about the other time, right?
TELL ME MORE AT NIGHT
will it be the day you finally confess? :0
Channie 02:27
lixieeeee, I'm so sorry :(
It will take me a while to go to your house today
something happened here in the studio :(((((
You 02:54
no problem Channie
I will wait for you :)
I'll go buy things before going to the apartment, do you want something?
Channie 02:54
mmm, some potatoes maybe
also soft drink
and please don't buy more cigarettes
They are disgusting
You 02:54
I do not promise anything ;)
Channie 02:55
gross
After reading his last message, Felix felt grateful. At least he would have more time to cry in his bed with loud music.
◆
When Chan arrived at his apartment, he found Felix in his pajamas smoking while tears fell on his face. An image which the oldest had already seen more times than he would like.
"Oh Lixie...what happened?" Chan's voice felt so soft. Everything Chan was soft when it came to Felix, he always was like that.
"I told him about mom."
That was the only thing Felix had to say for Chan to sit next to him and put one of his arms - which he was working on in the gym - around his shoulders, so he could take one of Felix's hands. They felt warm.
Felix liked it warm.
"Minho also told me to go home this weekend," Felix whispered, drinking away his tears.
"Oh... He invited me too" Chan replied softly, Felix liked that "Do you want to go?"
The answer remained unknown for a long time, Chan could tell that Felix had perhaps fallen asleep, because he knew that after he cried for a long time, he became very sleepy.
"I haven't been home in a long time"
"Okay, then I'll go with you."
The silence lasted between them, it was not uncomfortable. It was never awkward between them the silence.
Felix puffed on his cigarette once more and then put it out. He yawned once, he was tired. It was a calm day, but he was very mentally heavy.
Right now, he didn't want to think anymore.
"I'm sleepy Channie" he yawned again.
"We didn't even see a movie, liar..." the oldest said jokingly, that's how they played.
"Well, it's not my fault my mom's dead" well, sometimes those jokes got out of hand for Felix himself.
Chan laughed softly, he didn't look at him strangely. Chan would never look at him strangely. It was like the other half of him.
"It will be your fault that I kill myself if you keep lying to me." Chan stood up from the couch to go to his room, in which there were some of his clothes that he left behind the few times when Chan fought with Minho when they still lived together, while he told him. He stuck out his two middle fingers, making Felix laugh.
"God no... Now you will use me as a pillow..." he jokingly regretted it.
"You deserve it, cunt!" He shouted from the other room, making Felix laugh out loud as he put away the things he dirty in the dishwasher. He took the fried foods that he bought along with the alcoholic drinks that he knew Chan liked so much.
He felt good being with Chan even though he rarely met. Even though the oldest is his brother's best friend.
He was warm.
◆
It was a Saturday afternoon and Felix was nervous in his living room. Hyunjin was in the kitchen preparing dinner while Seungmin was studying something for his broadcasting class. For Felix, those kinds of moments in which his friends were at his side so calmly felt as domestic as if it had always been that way. He appreciated it.
"Stop moving, you're moving the table, you fool" Seungmin said, staring at him from his place on the floor while his hands continued typing something on his laptop.
"Sorry for being nervous... Chan isn't coming yet and-"
"Is Chan coming?" Hyunjin said coming out of the kitchen with two instant ramen in his hands. Seungmin glared at him for that. "What? We don't have anything else and obviously I don't have any money."
"Yes, Chan will come. And yes, that's why I left you money on the dining room table, you dumbass. Your ugly dog probably ate it like the bathroom paper," Seungmin commented, turning his gaze to his computer.
"Don't say that to Kkami! Besides, I didn't see any money... did you, Felix?" The strange Hyunjin again sitting next to him on the couch.
"No, I didn't see anything Jinnie. Seungmin must be hallucinating again" Felix scoffed.
"I've never, at all, hallucinated before. I'm not Hyunjin and his imaginary cockroach," Seungmin attacked eloquently as always.
"I swear that cockroach was real!"
"Yes, it's as real as my affection for my broadcasting teacher. Decrepit old man..." Seungmin cursed under his breath.
"Well..." Hyunjin said, lengthening the word, "Will Chan stay again? If so, I ask him to please stop thinking that this is a laundry. Every day I come across some of his clothes!"
"Hyunjin, I'm the one who does the laundry..." Felix claimed "No, Chan won't stay. I'm going home to have dinner with him, Minho and his new secret boyfriend" he rolled his eyes.
"Ah, so that's why you're moving like you have worms in your ass?"
"I'm eating, sick!"
"Have they already told you that you are gross Seungmin? Because I don't think there have been enough times that they have," the freckled man murmured.
"Yes, and more so in bed. Your friend Jeongin should have told you, you little sh-"
"Well!" Hyunjin exclaimed. "Is Minho coming with Chan?"
"No." Yongbok responded, putting aside his discomfort to respond appropriately to Hyunjin. "From what Chan told me, Minho was going to go earlier because he was going to cook today."
"Can you bring food for us?" Seungmin begged, taking his instant soup from the living table.
"Sure, if everything goes well..." he whispered.
"What are you talking about?" Hyunjin asked again, sipping a video between his lips.
"Now that Minho has gotten a job at a dance studio, my father is going to be talking about it all night. Not to mention his new boyfriend."
"What's with him getting a job? It's not like you're unemployed." Seungmin was still staring at his computer screen, but in his voice you could tell how irritated he was with the topic.
"Also, aren't you applying for that theater on the avenue? I heard they present very prestigious plays there..." Hyunjin commented with food in his mouth. Although he was not without reason.
Felix took one of his cigarettes that were in his jean jacket and lit it with a lighter that was in it. It was just something to calm the nerves.
"God no... You're going to die of lung cancer if you keep this up Yongbok. It's disgusting." Hyunjin was left pouting.
"If you don't die from that, your lungs will be as black as an elephant's ass," Seungmin said while eating.
And just at that moment, before he could reply anything else to his friends, a message came to him. It was from Chan telling him to come down from his building since he was nearby. A relief for him and his friends.
"Well, you horrendous evil beings, I'm leaving. Channie is waiting for me." Felix expelled smoke from his mouth as he said that just to annoy his friends. He stood up from the couch and grabbed his keys to the dining room.
"Hey, ugly leader of the evil beings, don't forget to bring us food. I'm going to get stomach cancer if I keep eating this disgusting ramen made by Hyunjin" Seungmin exclaimed, making Felix laugh and making Hyunjin complain.
"I do not promise anything!" He said approaching the door of his home.
And before he could open it to leave, Hyunjin spoke. "Yongbok, whatever happens today, don't take it too personally."
"Don't worry Hyunnie, nothing will happen. Bye, I love you so much" Felix opened the door to leave his home. And he could hear the fake vomit that Seungmin was making to make Hyunjin laugh.
He loved his friends more than anything. They were amazing and felt closer to an outside family than he ever thought he would be. Before, his only concept of family was the competitiveness and approval of his father. But with them I felt that whatever happens, everything will be okay. It didn't matter how much time passed.
Hyunjin and Seungmin were the loves of his life. And he wouldn't change them for anything.
They comforted him more times than Felix could count on his fingers. They were there to understand him even if they never went through him or anything like that. But still he knew that he could trust them more than anything in the world.
When he left the reception of his building, and therefore his thoughts. He saw Chan's car parked, and before approaching he took the cigarette from between his lips to throw it on the ground and extinguish it.
He definitely didn't want Chan to scold him again for that habit.
He opened the passenger seat to get into the car. Chan, who had a smile on his lips even before Felix entered, changed his face when he smelled the scent that the minor emanated.
"Were you smoking?" was the first thing Chan said as soon as Felix's butt touched the seat.
"Not even a 'Hello Felix, how are you? I hope your life is okay'? How rude you are Christopher..." he muttered.
"Did you smoke?" he asked again as he started the car.
There was silence for a short while, letting Felix think about his possible responses. Coming to the conclusion that each of them would end in Chris scolding him.
"Yes, it was a bit. Can I play some music?" he said quickly.
"Felix-"
"I already know what you're going to say Christopher, but I'm asking you for the first time in my life not to scold me. I was nervous and you weren't coming, I just wanted to calm down a little. Again, can I play some music?"
There was another silence as Chan drove. Felix heard his strong friend sigh along with a somewhat strained laugh. "Yes Bokkie, you can play music"
◆
The trip was still on, Chan was driving while he explained to Felix about the last show he had seen and Felix was humming the song he had played. It was a very nice atmosphere, adding that the sun was setting. At some point, Chan's hand was on his knee, and as always, he felt warm.
"And- Well, there was this dumb character who in the end turned out to be the mastermind behind the whole disaster, so-" Chan sounded very excited about that series, to which Felix smiled, getting lost in his mind, who could hate someone like Chan?
"Felix," he said in his Australian accent, "Are you okay?" At that precise moment they found themselves at a red light, Felix turned to see Chan and his eyes were shining.
"Yeah, I'm fine. I'm just thinking about something the teacher said today."
The song on the radio ended, now one that seemed too familiar was playing, only he couldn't remember the name.
"Something bad?"
It was soft, the lyrics were in English. It was about love.
"It is giving me the opportunity to write and direct a play in the theater to which I applied"
Chan's smile made his cheeks turn red. He was so cute it made him want to vomit.
"That's great Lix! Do you already know what he's going to be about?" I ask, starting the car again.
"Hmm" Felix turned to look at the window and pressed his face to it, there was a couple holding hands. They looked cute. "I do not know yet"
Felix didn't see it, but Chan's look saddened a little.
"You have time to see what it's going to be about," Chan murmured, staring ahead.
He no longer felt the warmth of his hand and the song that played was finally ended.
The streets passed by, people looked strange because of the speed at which Chan was going, and yet Felix continued to have his gaze glued outside. At some point, he doesn't know when, the streets became less busy and more familiar to Felix.
These types of situations, in which Felix stayed very quiet and did nothing but observe, happened only with Chan. He appreciated it, of that he was sure. Bangchan spent half of his life being a constant that never changed as he grew up. There were only moments in which he felt like he would vomit next to him, verbal vomiting, of course. With Chan, the world became easier to understand, but more difficult to manage.
He was almost sure that he loved Chan like a brother, he felt so close to him. He felt like it was his home.
But that overwhelmed him, next to Chan, Felix was just a child scared of the world. Someone who needed everyone's approval. He was vulnerable to every look Chan gave him. At every touch.
If Chan hadn't been Minho's best friend. If his mother hadn't died. If Felix was enough for everyone, he was sure that at some other time he would have met the boy. And in that universe, he would be the love of his life.
Only he wasn't in that universe.
"I'm sorry" Felix apologized, he had no idea why, he just had the need to apologize.
"Why? You haven't done anything Felix, everything is fine"
"I'm just sorry, I don't want to go to dinner. That's all," he murmured softly.
"It's still time to call it off, you know?" Chan at some point slowed the speed of the vehicle.
"I can't, I haven't seen my father in two years."
It was true, despite how much Felix loved his father, he preferred to stay as far away from him as possible. It hurt, but it also hurt that she wasn't enough for him.
"It's okay," Chan's voice always sounded sweet, but this time, it was much sweeter and kinder than before. "I'll be with you."
A few more minutes passed and Felix and Chan had arrived at the minor's childhood home. He still looked the same outside. The wood was painted white and the door still had the hits that Felix gave it the first time he rode a bicycle.
"Let's go out, they must be waiting for us" Chan said unbuckling his belt.
Felix repeated the movement at the same time as his companion. He grabbed his things and opened the door to leave. The sun was gone, so the night breeze was hugging him, he definitely should have listened to Seungmin when he told him that he should wear something warmer.
"I already regretted it Chan, it's better to go to the movies, it's close." Felix said turning back to the car. He felt that if he approached the door, he would vomit at any moment.
"No, there's no turning back. I told you, I'm going to be with you Felix" Chan practically pushed him down the sidewalk to make him walk.
Felix, reluctantly, walked while in his head he convinced himself that everything would be fine that night.
Even when the person who opened the door for them was Han Jisung.