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Looking back now, Michael knows that this has been a problem from the very start. He had had feelings for his best friend for as long as he could remember, and it was only a matter of time until the two got together. He and Calum were happy, teenagers in love, blissful. They didn't tell anyone, but they didn't want to, or need to. Their band was just getting leverage, and it seemed unnecessary at best. Sure their bandmates had an idea of what was going on, how could they not, they basically lived with them 24/7. It didn't matter though, Calum and Michael were happy keeping everything to themselves. Until they weren't.
xxxx
They had been together for a year now, an entire year, and Michael was pretty confident in the knowledge that Calum was it for him. He was the person he wanted to grow old with, and wasn't ashamed to scream it from the rooftops. He didn't though, per Calum’s request. While Michael grew more comfortable in their love and his sexualitity, Calum never did. It still wasn't really an issue for Michael though, he was a patient person, and all he wanted was Calum’s comfort and happiness. Whenever the guys gave them knowing looks, Calum completely closed off, denying everything. Even though it stung, Michael knew that he just wasn't ready.
xxxx
Michael let this go on for too long, in his humble opinion. He loved Cal, he truly did. But after a year and a half of sneaking around, he was getting tired. Everything started coming to a head when he brought it up for only the second time in their entire relationship.
It was a hotel night towards the end of tour, one that was long awaited. Michael had called dibs on rooming with Calum the second they were told, obviously, and he was excited to spend some time with his boyfriend. It had been a while since they could just let go and be together, and all Michael really wanted to do was kiss him senseless.
And he did, the second the door closed behind them his lips were on the darker boy’s. The slightly younger boy gasped in surprise, but quickly leaned in to kiss back. Michael took charge then, slowly walking the pair towards the bed, leaving their bags in the entrance hall, never breaking contact. As they fell on to the bed, Calum pulled away.
“Wait Mikey, we shouldn't” He said, creating space between their bodies. Michael looked confused at this.
“What? I can't kiss my boyfriend? We haven't been able to really kiss in weeks Cal, I want to make out.” He pouted, trying to lean in again, only for Calum to get up off the bed.
“Luke and Ash have keys, they could walk in any moment, and their room shares a wall.” He explained, as if it was obvious. Michael sighed, cursing himself because he should have seen this coming. He sat up and tiredly ran his hands over his face and through his hair, sighing again and composing his thoughts.
“Calum… aren't you, i don't know, a little tired of all this hiding? Have you ever thought about coming out?” He started slowly, not wanting to alarm the other boy. Calum’s eyes widened at this and he stared at Michael for a few seconds before sitting across from him on the bed.
“No, not really if i'm being honest. To either. I just don't see why it's anyone else's business. I don't want people to talk.” He explained, hesitantly reaching for his boyfriends hand, who gladly took it.
“It’s not anyone else's business, you're right. But like, it would just make our lives so much easier. No more sneaking around, being scared of the boys finding out. Let’s face it Cal, they probably already know something's going on. I just, don't see the harm in telling them?” He ended his statement like a question, betraying the confidence he was trying to impose.
“I really don't want to Mikey. I'm just not there yet.” Calum said, looking down into his lap.
“Not even the guys?” Michael asked, with a hopeful look in his eyes.
“I’m sorry.” Calum all but whispered, refusing to meet Michael’s eyes.
“It’s fine baby. Just… let me know? when you're ready?”
“Of course.”
They sat in silence for a few more minutes before Michael decided he wasn't done.
“I'm going to come out.” He said boldly, but softly. Calum’s head shot up at this, staring into Michael’s eyes, his own riddled with shock and confusion.
“W-What?”
“I'm going to come out. I’ll tell the guys tomorrow, call up my parents or something, make a youtube video for the fans. I'm so sick of hiding this part of me Cal. You don't have to come out with me, I would never force you out of the closet, that's just cruel. I won't even mention that I have a boyfriend if you don't want me to, but this is something I have to do. I'm driving myself crazy, and I can't keep this to myself anymore.” He finished, a determined look burning strong in his eye.
Calum just looked at him for a moment, processing what he just said, before taking a deep breath and giving his hand a reassuring squeeze.
“Ok. I’ll be there right with you, of course, supporting you. Proud of you Mikey.” He smiled at his boyfriend softly.
“Thank you. I love you.” Michael said shyly, leaning towards the other boy.
“I love you too, Mikey.” He responded, before their lips met in a much too short kiss.
xxxx
Michael told his bandmates first thing in the morning, not wanting to waste any time now that he had made the decision. They were in the van, on the way to that day's venue, the second to last show of the tour. They were just talking idly about going home when Michael blurted it out, interrupting Ashton.
“I'm so excited for the weather though, I need a good beach day-”
“Hey I’m gay, by the way.” He all but yelled, silencing his three friends. Calum looked at him like he wanted nothing more than to grab his face and tell him how proud he was, but he refrained.
At the shocked silence, Michael decided to continue. “Yeah, I mean, Cal already knew. And i've been wanting to come out for a while so… yeah.” He looked around at his friends, and while Calum was positively beaming, the other two just stared at him. After a moment of this, Michael fidgeted, before speaking up again.
“Come on guys, you can't just not say anything.” He laughed nervously, and that seemed to bring his friends back to the moment.
“Sorry! Oh my gosh Mike, sorry we just were caught off guard that's all. Of course it doesn't change a thing, we'll always have your back.” Ashton reassured him, resting his hand on his knee.
“Yeah what Ash said. Thanks for telling us Mikey. Honestly, I had a hunch.” Luke smiled at his friend, letting him know everything was ok with one small glance. His eyes flickered to Calum with a questioning look quickly, and before he could question the boy, Michael spoke up again.
“So i kinda want to make this quick. I'm gonna tell my parents when we get home in a few days, and then i want to come out to the fans. I've been hiding this for 19 years now and I don't want to anymore.” He rambled, looking at his friends for support.
“Of course Mikey, we’ll support you through the whole thing. Any idea as to how you want to break it to the fans? And can you even do that? Like isn’t there something about coming out in our contracts?” Ashton questioned.
“No, I read it over, and it just said that they can ‘suggest’ we ‘date’ certain people, I checked and double checked, they can't keep me in the closet. As to how, I was thinking of pulling a Tom Daley. Film a video, post it somewhere. I just want it to be 100% me.” He explained.
“That's really brave Mike.” Calum smiled shyly, and Michael's face softened to a fond expression instantly.
“Thanks, Cal.”
Michael’s coming out went as smoothly as it could have, for a famous teenager. His parents took it amazingly well, and the next day the entire world knew he was a flaming homosexual and proud of it. He was walking on air. The fans were incredibly supportive, and everyone that mattered to him was there for him, reassuring him that they loved him.
The only problem was Calum. He was so proud of his boyfriend, that much was evident, but he couldn't help but be a little bitter. Michael knew this, and he kept reminding him that he too, could come out, that it really was that easy, But Calum refused, and he respected that.
xxxx
It got worse as the months went on. As they got back into the swing of things, settling down in the LA house to work on the next album, Michael could feel a tear starting to form. He guessed it started when he stopped being ok with being in the closet. He could tell Calum got uncomfortable whenever he publicly talked about his sexuality, but he found himself not caring. He was his own person, and he was proud of who he was. He could feel himself growing increasingly more frustrated at Calum’s reluctance, and things were tense between them at best.
Michael brought up coming out more and more, much to Calum distaste. It was the only thing they fought about and they fought about it often. Michael was sure that the guys had heard them yelling late into the night. After a particularly heated exchange, Michael found himself on the couch while Calum took their room. It was the first night in a long time sleeping apart, and both boys were miserable.
Michael tossed and turned the whole night, replaying the fight in his head over and over. He could feel lyrics forming around their words, and he rushed to pull out his phone and write down what he was feeling. Before long, he had a first verse, then a chorus, then an entire song. It was rough at best. He said fuck too many times, and it was almost mean, how harsh some words were, but it summed up his feelings perfectly. Satisfied, he fell asleep on the couch, his swirling thoughts finally settled, for now at least.
The next morning, he was woken up by the smell of coffee and a gentle hand on his shoulder. he opened his eyes to see a concerned Ashton hovering over him.
“Hey Mike, what are you doing out here?” He asked, sitting next to Michael as he sat up on the couch, handing him a cup of coffee.
“Cal and I got in another fight, needed to not be in the same room.” Michael mumbled sleepily. He was sick of lying to his friends, and in that moment he just had to talk to someone about everything.
“Why were you guys fighting? it seems like you’ve been doing that a lot lately.” Ashton questioned hesitantly.
“Don't act like you haven't heard us, I know you and Luke know. Which is exactly what I've been trying to tell him, but he's so damn stubborn.” He responded, rubbing his face frustratedly.
“Yeah, we’ve known for a while, was waiting for you to tell us yourselves.”
“If he had his way that would never happen.”
“I'm sorry. is there anything I can do?”
“Actually,” Michael paused, contemplating something for a moment, “yes. I wrote a song, last night at like, two am. Read through it? make edits and shit?”
“Of course Mikey, where is it?”
Michael handed his phone over to Ashton after opening up the notes he wrote it down in. He drank his coffee and watched as the older boy read through his words, only pausing to type or delete something occasionally. After reading through it several times, He looked back up at his friend.
“This is.. really good Mike. Like, incredible. you say fuck a lot though.”
Michael laughed bitterly at that, and took his phone back. “Yeah, I know, but it's honest. I'm just so exhausted with this whole situation,” he explained, his face dropping, “and I don't know how much more I can take.”
Ashton nodded thoughtfully, then asked, “Do you know what it's going to sound like yet?”
“Yeah, I've got an idea of how it's gonna go. Luckily for me, it’s a cake writing session today so I'm going to work out the guitar part when he's gone.”
“Fuck, Mikey. Do you plan on showing this to him?” Ashton asked, wide-eyed.
“I have to Ash. It been two years, Two whole years of being treated like some dirty little secret he has to hide from the world. I need him to realize how badly this is fucking me up.”
“Damn, two years? How has it been going on that long? Luke and I only figured it out a few months ago.”
“Like I said, he’s stubborn, and we’ve been excruciatingly careful.” He sighed. Ashton looked at his friend then, really looked at him. He looked tired, not just in the ‘I had a bad night's sleep’ way but in the way that ages you ten years and sucks the breath from your lungs, draining your eyes to a ghost of what they were.
“This is really bad, isn't it Mikey?” Ashton asked quietly, almost scared of the answer.
“Yeah, it really is Ash. God what am I gonna do? What if he just refuses to come out? I really can't do this anymore. I love him so much Ash, like so, so much. It scares me sometimes how in love with that idiot I am. But this hurts, god it hurts so much, to think that I might not be good enough.” Michael trailed off, leaning into his friend's side for support. Ashton just held him, growing even more worried as he felt water on his shoulder. He just let his friend cry, and did his best to be there for him as best he could.
If anything, the crying just kept getting harder, and Ashton could tell this was a lot of bottled up emotions spilling out all at once. He took the coffee from his hands and wrapped him in his arms tighter, determined to see his best friend through this. After a few minutes, Luke walked in quietly, giving the oldest boy a concerned, questioning look. Ashton just shook his head slightly with sad eyes, and Luke knew exactly what was happening. He just walked in and grabbed the two empty mugs on the coffee table, placing a small kiss on the top of Michael’s head before heading into the kitchen. This just made the red-haired boy cry all the harder, and it seemed like now that he had started there wasn't an end in sight.
Not two minutes later, Calum appeared in the doorway, and if looks could kill, he would have dropped dead that second. Ashton was shooting daggers into his head, and Calum coward back at the harsh glare, confusion and hurt written all over his face. His confusion was quickly replaced with a deep sadness, when he realized what exactly was going on in the scene before him. Before he could even take a step into the room, Luke was there, blocking the way, handing him an apple and travel mug of coffee. He silently took Calum’s hand, dragging him out of the door, and gave Ashton a look, before softly saying, “We’re going to Feldy's now. Keep me updated.”
“Will do” Ash answered back, trying to stay as quiet and still as possible, and Michael just let out a little whimper, gripping Ashton’s shirt tighter and burying himself into the tan boy as best he could.
Calum just gave the two boys a sad glance, before letting himself be dragged out of the house. The two friends stayed on the couch for a good while longer. Ashton rubbing the broken boys back, trying to sooth him in any way he could. Michael eventually calmed down enough to let go of Ashton, who went to get a tissue box and glass of water for his friend. After a moment, MIchael looked up.
“I'm sorry. I didn’t mean to get that worked up. At least not like… in front of other people.”
“Don’t apologize, Mikey. I want to be here for you. You’ve been keeping this all in for a long time, I don't blame you at all.”
“Still, it’s embarrassing.”
“Don't worry about it ok?” Ashton said, resting a comforting hand on MIchael’s shoulder.
“Thanks Ash.”
“Of course.”
They sat there in silence for a moment, before Michael suddenly stood up.
“Let’s write a fucking song.”
Michael and Ashton sat on the couch, crossed-legged, facing each other, each with a guitar in hand. They spent the afternoon perfecting the song, and goofing off. Michael couldn’t remember the last time he had laughed that hard, with Ashton screaming the lyrics at the top of his lungs, playing wrong chords on purpose.
That's how the other two boys found them when they came home. Guitars in laps and crying, this time out of laughing too hard. They both immediately sobered up upon seeing the boys in the doorway, and the room fell into a suffocating silence.
Ashton was the first to speak up, clearing his throat and setting the guitar down, standing up.
“Luke and I are going out for coffee. Text me Mike.” He said going over to the boys and giving Luke a telling look.
“Will do, thanks for the help.” Michael said, his eyes never leaving Calums guilty face.
“Course” Ashton murmured, following Luke out the door. Once they were gone, the awkward silence was back but not for long.
“Sit down, Cal.” Michael gestured to the other end of the couch. As the dark boy moved hesitantly to sit opposite his boyfriend, Michael began to play, glaring daggers into Calum. Once he was settled, Michael started to sing.
When we first met,
you used to call me baby.
You said you loved me,
now I barely hear a word you're saying.
And when your friends ask if you and me are dating,
you’re looking guilty shuffling your feet and hesitating.
The guitar picked up then, from a simple plucking melody, into something almost angrier, and Calum flinched at the next line.
Well fuck that,
I don't need that.
Don't want it to get out?
Well you should be damn proud.
It’s getting dark here,
sitting in your closet,
with your other skeletons,
like I'm some kind of secret.
As Michael moved into the chorus, all he could do was feel himself get angrier, and watch Calum get smaller, curling in on himself slightly.
Don't wanna be your undercover lover.
Don't wanna be a friend,
and kiss you when the night ends.
Don't wanna be your dirty little secret.
I want the world to know,
who’s hotel you go to.
Michael was practically spitting the lyrics at this point. All Calum could do was watch, trying to hold back the lump that was forming in his throat.
Don't understand why you wanna keep it quiet.
If it was me,
I'd be starting fucking riots.
If you can't handle who I am,
then get the fuck out.
I'm not hanging around,
for something I could do without.
Calum’s eye widened to the size of saucers at that, but Michael just kept barreling through.
I will admit that,
from the very beginning,
you said you didn't want to give
a reason for gossiping.
I just feel like
a puppet with a mouthpiece.
So won't you cut the strings so
I can stop pretending.
Don't wanna be your undercover lover.
Don't wanna be a friend,
and kiss you when the night ends.
Don't wanna be your dirty little secret.
I want the world to know,
who’s hotel you go to.
Don't understand why you wanna keep it quiet.
If it was me,
I'd be starting fucking riots.
If you can't handle who I am,
then get the fuck out.
I'm not hanging around,
for someone I could do without.
As the song came to a close, the pair shared hard looks.
“Wow Mikey, tell me how you really feel.” Calum scoffed, trying to mask his hurt with annoyance.
“I just did.”
“Fuck,” Calum ran his hand through his hair, looking down at the floor. When he looked back up, all the hardness had left his eye, “Did you write that?”
“Yeah, last night. You know, when you kicked me out to the couch, like I was the one who did something wrong.”
“Do-do you really mean that? ‘get the fuck out, I could do without you’?”
Michael hesitated to answer that, collecting his thoughts, and setting his guitar down. He took a deep breath, and answered.
“To a certain extent yes. A lot of the song was written from a place of hurt, it's angry, but it's also honest. Fuck, Cal, I love you more than anyone in the world, but… this can't be your permanent decision for us. I deserve better. You deserve better. We can't just never come out, that's not how long term relationships work. I've been so patient, I've let us hide away for two fucking years. But I'm putting my foot down now because I can't live like this.” Calums face fell at this, and Michael sighed before continuing, “Don't look at me like that. You know that i love you more than words will ever even begin to describe, and I will for the rest of my life without a shadow of a doubt. but I'm tired Cal. I'm not your dirty little secret, I'm not your fuck buddy, I'm a person, and your boyfriend, and I just- I don't know what to do with you any more. This isn’t healthy, this constant fear of being found out, this sneaking around. Lately we’ve fought more than we’ve not, and enough is enough. You know the last thing I wanted to do was force you out of the closet, that’s such a selfish thing for me to ask. Right now though, I have to be a little selfish, for my own sanity. So… I'm giving you an ultimatum. We either stop hiding, or there will be nothing to hide.”
“You… You can’t mean that.” Calum squaked, tears threatening to fall at last. Michael sighed and reached out and took his hands, interlocking their fingers and staring down at them.
“Calum, I will never love anyone as much as I love you. But… it feels like you’re embarrassed or ashamed to be with me, and that doesn’t feel good. In case you’ve forgotten, I’m out already. No one will give us grief, minus a few trolls on the internet, and they don't count, if that's what you’re worried about. I don’t understand what's going through you’re head to make you this scared of such a good thing, and I don't think I want to. I need you to accept who and what we are, and if you can't do that, I can't do this. I-I’m not breaking up with you, that’s the last thing I want, but this is your decision. I can't hide anymore though.” Michael took a deep breath after he was done and finally looked up. The sight he was greeted with broke his heart just that much more than it already was. Calum was just staring at him, a blank expression on his face, with a steady stream of silent tears running down his face. They sat in silence for a moment, just taking each other in. Calum let it sink in that this was actually happening, it was up to him, which of his two most important things he lost; his privacy, or Michael. He was quickly ashamed of himself, for even considering for a moment letting Mikey go, and he looked down, flushed. After another few seconds of collecting his thoughts, Calum figured it was his turn to talk.
“I… I’m not embarrassed or ashamed of us or what we have, Mikey, and I don't know how I’ll ever be able to express to you how sorry I am that I let you feel that way. I just- I’m so scared. I’m terrified actually. Of what people will say, of how this will affect our careers, the band dynamic, how my parents will react. I’m so terrified of every outcome of this situation. But… I'm more terrified of losing the most important person in my life. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I was the reason this ended, and I kind of hate myself right now because that almost happened.”
Michael let out a deep breath at the brown boy’s words, and squeezed his hands all the tighter, leaning towards him, sagging after letting out all the tension in his body.
“So does that mean…?”
“Yeah Mikey, we can come out, but can we like… take it slow?” At Michael’s exasperated expression, he hurried to amend himself, “Not like, super slow! Just like, gradually? We can tell the guys when they come back, then later I’d like to tell our parents, and just… I need time to adjust to this, you know?”
“You’ve had two years to adjust to this Cal.” Michael said slowly, growing weary again, and Calum wanted to punch himself for not getting this right.
“Within the month, I promise, just not over the span of a few days like you did, I’m not ready for that drastic of a change to my life that fast.” He explained, hoping he was getting his point across.
“Well, the guys already know so that's one step done.”
“Wh-what?”
“I told you they had figured it out cal, and I told ash this morning anyways.”
“Why?!”
“My boyfriend had kicked me out to the couch, he asked questions, it wasn't that hard to piece together honestly.”
Calum sighed deeply, remembering the situation he was in, that he had to become ok with people knowing. Instead of responding, he just brought Michael’s hand up to his lips and kissed his knuckles as lovingly as he knew how.
“I love you so much Michael, I hope you know that.”
“I know, feels good to hear it though, especially now. I know you’re scared, but I’ll be there with you the whole time. We’re doing this together as a couple, and everything will be ok.”
“How do you know that though?”
“Because, my love, I have faith in us. And as long as we have each other than it all will work itself out.” Michael sealed his statement with a kiss, loving and heavy on Calum’s lips. They kissed slowly for a while longer, wordless reassurance flowing through them. it wasn’t the kind of kiss to lead anywhere, but it was perfect the way it was, love coursing throughout them. After some time, the boys pulled apart, breathing deeply. Michael went to lie down on the couch, pulling Calum in with him. He huddled the slightly taller boy into his chest, and quickly texted Ashton letting him know it was safe to come back before cuddling up to his favorite person, burying his face in his dark hair, content for the first time in too long.
That’s exactly how their two bandmates found them twenty minutes later when they arrived back home. Clinging to each other as if the other boy was the only thing keeping them from floating away. Michael could feel Calum tense on top of him, knowing the younger boy wanted desperately to not want to move away, so he just tightened his grip on his waist and let Calum bury his face into his neck, shielding him slightly from the other boys.
Michael looked over at his friends’ concerned faces, sighed, and realized it was once again his job to make everything ok again.
“Cal come on, you’ve known Ash and Luke forever. They don’t judge us, or hate us. Quite the opposite actually. Tell them, I know you can. I believe in you.” Michael whispered to the younger boy above him, who had started shaking slightly. Michael wouldn’t have even noticed if it wasn’t for their close proximity. He ran his hand up and down his sides, trying his best to calm his nerves. After a second, Calum turned his head so his cheek was lying against Michael’s chest, facing his two friends who were silently waiting expectantly.
Calum took a deep breath, steeling himself, before saying quietly but steadily, “Mikey and I have been dating for two years.”
They other boys smiled softly, and Ashton spoke for the first time since arriving back home.
“We know buddy, but we’re really proud of you for telling us.”
Calum smiled shyly at his friends before turning his face so he could look at Michael’s. When he did, he was greeted with the brightest smile Calum had seen from his boyfriend in a long while. Seeing that smile, Calum realized that Michael was right, everything was going to work itself out, eventually. Calum beamed back, and in a rush of sudden confidence, he surged forward to connect their lips. Michael let out a surprised noise, before relaxing into the familiar feeling of Calum’s mouth on his. Ashton and Luke just chuckled quietly before making their way out of the room, giving their friends some much needed alone time.
xxxx
It wasn’t long before they came out to their parents. The set up a skype call, both parents in the same room talking to their sons across the globe. It went surprisingly well; well surprising to Calum at least. Michael did most of the talking, while calum just stared at his parents and held onto his boyfriend's hand for dear life.
It all went well though, despite Calum’s worries, and they ended the call the happiest they’ve felt in a while, relieved this was going as well as they had hoped.
They came out to their management next, setting up an appointment, and explaining their situation. Again, Michael did most of the talking, but after his parents, Calum seemed a lot more relaxed. And again, they were met with a well receival, and a game plan as to how they would tell the public. Because Michael came out in such a casual way, they were granted more freedom in how they decided to do it. Calum wanted to come out to more friends before going public, so over the course of two weeks, they came out to everyone the felt should know from them telling them personally. With every new person they told, Calum’s confidence and faith grew, and by the time all their friends knew, he was almost excited to tell the fans.
They decided that if something wasn’t broken they shouldn’t try to fix it, so they sat down in front of a camera and filmed a video, posting it to their youtube channel after making a few small edits. After tweeting out the link, they shut down all their electronics and just enjoyed each other's company, cuddling and kissing lazily. Michael couldn’t stop telling Calum how proud he was of him, and how happy he was that they were doing this, and Calum knew, finally, that everything was going to be ok.