Chapter Text
And now I'm laughin' through my tears
I'm cryin' through my fear
But baby, if I had to choose
The joke's on you
-Joke's on you, Charlotte Lawrence
Seokmin didn't know what he was thinking.
Was he even thinking in the first place? At this point, he's not so sure. It was an impulsive moment, one that took every bit of his confidence to do so and yet he knows too, that it's something he shouldn't have.
After all, being in a kpop idol group prevents you from coming out of the closet.
Nevermind the shipping, nevermind the fan service. The closet has always been made of glass, open for everyone to see but God forbid if they ever confirm.
So no, trying to kiss your bandmate in one of your biggest concert that's being broadcasted live in the whole world isn't the brightest idea.
Seokmin thinks it's only fitting since he's not one of the brightest members anyway.
He replayed the clip again. He has lost count how many times he had watched it, how many videos, how many angles. It seems like from down low or high up, left, right, front and back; carats has that single moment captured.
God he wanna burn his phone. And maybe his impulsive thoughts together with it.
He sighed, finally detaching from his phone. It's been hours since the concert ended. But as soon as it was done, he denied any request of hanging out or drinking. Something they all usually end up doing at the end of a very successful concert. He wanted too, God, he needed that alcohol right now.
Except he really can't be in the same room with his hyung right now.
Usually, he's good with hiding his feelings for his hyung. The thing is, even if he's one of the closest to him, Seokmin knows that he was never considered as someone who could be Jihoon's... love interest.
He knows because they've always been up to date to every information in the fandom, even the ones with the shipping. Yes, they know about it. Yes, it is highly encouraged by the company. Yes, some of them are true. And some of them, Seokmin hopes desperately is not true. Some like Jihoon's shipping. To anyone.
And yet, even then, he was just someone's little brother. He's just the sunshine kid. He's just the affectionate member.
So he took what he can.
He takes his chances when Jihoon lets him cling to him. When the older would seek his warmth. When his hyung is willing to be hugged.
And he knows too, that it was a running joke. That he's the only one Jihoon let's to be that close to him. Because he is the favorite brother. Brother, not partner.
And that stings.
That stings when even when there's hardly any space between them, all anyone can see is a good hyung to his younger member.
God, it's all so stupid.
He stared at the ceiling, thinking which hurts more; Him making that mistake in front of everyone or him making that mistake and everyone still think it's nothing but a joke.
At the end of the day, his feelings towards his hyung is considered all but a joke.
He was so focused on trying to push down every guilt, every shame, and every hurt that it took him a few minutes to realized that there's a knocking on the door.
He sighed, standing up. The knock was too polite for it to be any of the members, so he assumes that one of the managers is looking for him.
(Maybe they realized what he did was too gay?)
(Nah, they're probably laughing about it too)
Before opening the door, Seokmin made sure to look at the mirror right next to it just so he can fix a bright smile on his face as if he didn't spend the last two hours wallowing with regret.
Only for that smile to nearly fall when he finally saw who was on the other side.
"hey kyeommie, I brought food?"
"hyung... I... Yeah, come in"
Seokmin almost bang his head against the wall as soon as he closed the door. He would've, except Jihoon's eyes are back to him as soon as they left.
"Were you sleeping?" Jihoon asked as he starts to put the food out of their containers on the small table near his bed.
"No, I was watching something" and Jihoon's eyebrows went high in doubt, eyeing the closed television on the wall. "on my phone. I was watching on my phone" He added hastily.
"Okay, as long as I didn't disturb you"
"You can never, hyung"
The smile Jihoon sent him almost made him feel comfortable again.
Almost.
Since it's also the same smile that made him ridiculous things. Like kissing him in a concert. Their concert, mind you.
"Eat with me, then"
And so he did. He has always been weak for his small hyung.
Eventually, his awkwardness dissipate into nothing but a shadow. Jihoon has always been the calm sea within their storm. And Seokmin can't help but match his energy. Finishing their food with small talks. Talking about his latest shopping spree, about Jihoon's newest songs, about Soonyoung spoiling their comeback, talking about everything far away from what transpired between them in the concert.
He felt safe again. Jihoon wouldn't probably bring up the topic himself, he's always been so shy. And Seokmin would rather have his pants ripped again rather than bring his mistake up again.
"Thanks for the food, hyung" He smiled, now carefree and light.
"Ahhh, it's nothing. Soonyoung was worried you're skipping"
Ahh. Soonyoung hyung. His lovely Soonyoung hyung who has nothing but softness and support towards them. Yet, Seokmin has harbored a deep jealousy to him. What is it with him and Jihoon's relationship that's so different from his? Why is it that even the slightest stare, smallest of touch, everyone falls first in screaming how much they deserve each other? Soulmates, they said.
"I was just tried, 's all" He mumbled.
He saw Jihoon hesitate from where he was standing, as if there was more he wants to say. And Seokmin waited, because that's what he does. Wait. For everyone to take him seriously, for anyone to see him as more than just a laugh. But his hyung shook his head as if to rid of something, smiled at him and walked towards the door.
"Good night, hyung" He greets as a goodbye and was about to close the door when Jihoon stopped him.
"Wait"
Seokmin tried not to be intimidated, smiling through his nervousness as Jihoon stood directly out of his door.
"Uhmm... you should... earlier... maybe... not? Don't?"
It was mess of a mumble that Seokmin wasn't sure he can understand.
"Hyung, what?"
Jihoon sighed, as if pained. Before he finally looks back up to look Seokmin straight at his eyes.
"Earlier at the concert, the kiss. Maybe you shouldn't do that, yeah?"
And Seokmin can honestly tell you that in all of the years that he has been in love with Jihoon, he had already overthink all ways in which the older can reject him and break his heart.
Maybe he should've known too, that even jokes can get expired.
"Ahhh, hyung... you know" He swallowed down the shake of his voice before trying again "you know that was a joke. I've always been doing that" He said, even forced a laugh to complete the lie.
"Exactly, kyeom ah... it's not... it's not funny anymore"
And maybe that hurts more than a broken heart.
But it's good. All is good. He's been here before. There's been jokes he has told that he was scolded for. This is just... this is just one of them. No big deal. He can handle it. He has been handling it for years.
"Sure, hyung. I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable" He mumbled and when he smiled this time, he can feel that it's only a matter of seconds before the tears fall down.
"No, it's not because of that, okay? I wasn't uncomfortable."
"yeah okay"
"I'm serious, kyeom-ah. It's not...you. Yeah?"
He tries to nod, and to his horror, his tears can no longer hide. Falling one after another. He whimpered, trying to reign it all in because God out of all time, it's the time his mind didn't get the memo.
"Kyeom-"
"No, no, no! Hyung I'm okay! this is just... this is just..."
Before he can finish his sentence, Jihoon is already pulling him back inside his room. And to his surprise, pull him down in a hug too. And before he knows it, the tears become a sob.
He has lost track of how long did he cry but when he finally comes too, he's on his bed, still wrapped up by his hyung even if he has always been smaller.
Silently, he pulled away from the hug. Sitting up until he can face his hyung who remained lying down on the bed looking up to him.
"I didn't mean to make you cry" it's so Jihoon of him to apologize even without of fault.
"Wasn't your fault, hyung. I... I was the one who made that mistake, anyway" He mumbled.
"Mistake?" He heard his hyung whisper.
But he disregarded it as he reached inside of him for all of his courage. It's been years. Maybe it's about time he finally let those feelings out, otherwise he won't be able to move on and be the friend his hyung deserves.
"I'm sorry, hyung. For Always clinging to you-" Jihoon tried to speak up but he pushed forward, knowing he won't be able to do it again once he's interrupted "For always forcing on skinships. For taking advantage of your closeness. The truth is...."
He inhales deep, tangling his fingers together so they would stop shaking.
"I've been in love with you for years, hyung" His words came out like a whisper, like the last air of depleted balloon. Weak, anguished, and given up. There, the truth is out for the world to hear.
"Seokmin-ah..." He hears, but he refused to look at his hyung, afraid of the emotion he would see in his eyes when he finally rejects him. "Kyeom-ah, let's make one thing clear. No, let's make a lot of things clear"
And then there's his hyung's pretty hands cupping his face, gently as he brings him up to look at him. In place of pity there is determination in his eyes. Instead of sadness, there's fire. And there's also love.
"One, I am the one who's always clinging to you. Two, I let you do the skinship. I reach for it. For you. Three, I'm the one who's always been trying to get too close to you. And lastly... why do you think I always let you get away with all of that?"
"uhmmm... because you're a good hyung?" He stammered and Jihoon snorted at his answer.
"I'm also in love with you"
"But.. the kiss-"
"You said it yourself, kyeom-ah. It's a mistake... a joke. And you've been doing it for years. My heart can only take so much of it until it eventually hurts, you know?"
"It was never a joke" He blurted out, hands coming up to grip his hyung's writs softly. Trying to be as gentle as Jihoon was with him.
"I know that now"
"I love you"
And his hyung laughed, but this time he knew it wasn't because of the joke he made. But because his words made him happy instead.
"I love you too. Kiss me? Not a joke, this time"
"You were never a joke, hyung. Never”
And yeah, a kiss in front of a million crowd can be a mistake. But not when it's finally just the two of them.