Chapter Text
“And don’t forget, range re-qualifications are next week. Be safe out there.”
Grey ended the meeting and Lucy looked over at Tim, a smug grin on her face. Now that she was his Sergeant’s aide, she sat by him in roll call, not up with the rookies anymore and not even next to Nolan. They had their own table now, a spot that somehow everyone knew was theirs and left open for them every morning.
“I’m still waiting on my trophy from when I beat you last time.”
He rolled his eyes at her, “No one gets a trophy around here boot,” emphasis on the “boot” in a way that only he could say it and she pursed her lips, knowing that he was doing it just to rile her up but not able to resist giving it right back to him.
“That’s Sergeant’s aide Officer Chen to you,” she threw back at him, getting out of her chair and grabbing her coffee cup before he had a chance to swipe it from her, “Soon to be rangemaster grand champ. And if you bet on me again, you owe me dinner.”
She said the last thing quickly, without thinking and for a second she thought he might pull rank and tell her commanding officers don’t buy their go-fers dinner but instead he just smirked and said, “I guess you better work on your aim then.”
Ignoring the butterflies currently taking residence in her stomach, she followed him out of the room.
He looked down at his phone, the hint of a smile still playing on his face.
“It’s Genny, I gotta take this,”
Lucy’s eyes lit up, “Oh, tell her I said hi.”
Tim rolled his eyes and raised the phone to his ear, “Get the gear so we can roll soon.”
Lucy threw one last smile at him, one hand on her duty belt and the other on the coffee she was just about finished with. She twirled around and drained the last dregs from the cup before gracefully tossing it in the trash, heading over to the kit room for the gear. Something made her turn back for one last look at Tim and she froze in her tracks.
Something was wrong.
He still had his cell phone to his ear but his face had changed. There was something in his eyes, a look she’d only seen once before, just a few weeks prior when they visited his dad. Things had shifted then, in those few days between them finding the gun in his old family home and that last visit to the hospice, when Tim had walked out of his dad’s room and away from his past. When he’d practically folded into her after she’d reassured him that he was nothing like him and he’d given her the most vulnerable look she had ever seen from him. They didn’t need to speak with words but she’d known exactly what he needed at that moment. She cried, partly out of guilt for insinuating that the Tim tests were even remotely comparable to tribulations of his childhood and partly because she could feel his emotions rolling off of him, had felt them for days, weeks even, since Genny’s visit and he hadn’t corrected her when she called them children of abuse. His eyes had remained dry but he was gasping for air, his heart racing and they’d stayed that way for what seemed like hours but was probably only a few minutes before his breathing slowed and he raised up, his face schooled back into the stoic mask she’d been seeing since the first day they’d locked eyes across the roll call room.
She felt closer to him than she ever had before. It was a feeling that had been building up for a while, since she was his rookie and he’d pulled her from the barrel. Since his shared breath had given her life again and both times she’d opened her eyes right after her kidnapping, he was the first person she saw. She knew he was lying about not staying by her bedside all night, even before she had confirmed it with Grace. Things were confusing after that and then she had gone and done that stupid fake confession on her last day in the training program and she felt like some of his walls had gone back up that day.
But they were starting to fall again, after the house repairs and the hospice visit, now that they were riding together again. Even though they were both dating other people, he was still her person and she knew that she was his. They could speak without words, know what the other person was thinking and respond to it before they even had a chance to voice it.
Lucy changed directions and walked straight over to Tim who was just hanging up the phone but making no moves to head to the garage for the shop. His blue eyes fixed at a point on the ground and his face remained still, save for the muscle in his jaw clicking back and forth, a tell she knew from spending countless hours two feet away from him for years that he was trying to keep his emotions in check.
“Tim, what’s wrong? Is Genny okay?” his eyes flicked up to her from the spot on the floor he’d been absentmindedly staring at, “Her boys? Are they-”
“My dad died,” he said quickly, quietly, looking back down at his hands and Lucy’s eyes followed his to see that they were shaking. She instinctively reached out to hold them, wanting to stop the trembling and needed something to ground her, to ground him.
He took a deep, shuddering breath and closed his eyes, leaning towards her just slightly before they popped open again, that vulnerable look from the hospice still haunting them. Lucy felt like she could see his entire childhood pass through them at that moment and she tightened her grip on him.
They both seemed to register that they were in the middle of the precinct at the same time, Tim’s fist’s balling up and Lucy’s hands flying away quickly, going first to her chest and then coming to rest on her duty belt, unsure of what to do with them.
“I, Tim, I…” she struggled to get words out, knowing what he didn’t want her to say but unsure of what she should say.
“Don’t say you’re sorry,” he ground out, slipping his phone back into his pocket and folding his hands in front of him, grasping at his watch, his usual resting position.
She shook her head, “I wasn’t…”
His face softened, “It wasn’t a surprise, he was in hospice…”
“Still, losing a parent, even though they were-”
“An abusive asshole?”
“Tim.” She wanted to reach out to him again, to steady him, to provide some kind of outlet for all the emotions she could feel going through his body at the moment.
He let out a long sigh, “It’s the truth…was the truth.”
“Still, it’s okay to be sad.”
“And what if I’m not?”
“That’s okay too,” she whispered and he nodded his head, looking away for a second before facing her again.
“Let’s get the shop ready,” his voice had a slight waver to it and she made no move to go anywhere.
“Tim, maybe you should take a personal day.”
“No,” he said loudly, too loudly and he swallowed before stating it again in a softer voice, “No, I…I need to just go about my day, I need to be normal for right now.”
Lucy thought about putting her foot down and going to Grey to make him tell Tim to take a personal day but the look in his eyes made her stop and she found herself nodding, agreeing with him.
“Okay…okay, we can go out there, like a normal day. But if I feel like you’re too distracted to do the job safely, I will call you out on a code personal and bring you back to the station.” Her tone was final and she raised herself up as tall as she could, facing him head on and trying to ignore the fact that he was still a foot taller. He looked down at her and his lips twitched slightly into a smile.
“I wouldn’t expect anything less.”
Before she could take a step a voice sounded out that made both of them freeze.
“Tim, hey, there you are.”
Ashley bounded up to them in her red lifeguard sweats and grabbed Tim’s arm, pulling him in for a kiss.
“I dropped by to follow up on that statement and I was looking for you.”
He stiffened and she looked from him to Lucy, her brow furrowed.
“What’s going on?” she asked slowly, reading the room a little too late.
Tim kept his eyes on Lucy for a few seconds, taking in her expression that he needed to tell Ashley what happened before answering her, “Um..my dad died.”
Ashley’s face changed to shock, “What, oh my goodness Tim, I’m-”
Don’t say it, Lucy thought with a grimace, closing her eyes as if she could go back to her pre-object permanence stage and will Ashley away.
“So sorry,” Ashley finished and Tim went even more rigid, visibly leaning away from her. Her hands were all over him, wrapping around him, cupping his face and even with his eyes closed, Lucy could read just how uncomfortable he was.
“What happened? Was he ill? Oh my god, let me drive you home or do you need to go to the hospital? The funeral home?” Ashley peppered Tim with questions and he slowly opened his eyes, giving Lucy a pleading look over her blonde head.
Lucy cleared her throat and Ashley turned to look at her over her shoulder, a look of annoyance on her face. Lucy ignored it.
“I’m, um, going to get the gear ready.”
“No, Lucy, stay here.” Tim said at the same time Ashley blurted out, “Thanks, can you give us a few minutes?”
Tim and Ashley stared at each other, her hands finally loosening from him but not totally leaving him. Lucy shifted on her feet nervously before stating once again, “Yeah, I need to get the shop ready for today. I”ll meet you there Tim.”
Tim watched Lucy walk away before looking back at his girlfriend, her delicate features changing from sympathetic to slightly angry.
“You aren’t seriously thinking about working today are you?” He nodded, jaw stiff, and she reared back in surprise, “Tim, your dad just died, I think everyone would understand if you took the day off. I can’t even imagine what I would do if my dad passed away so suddenly.”
“Our relationship wasn’t like yours,” he said, taking a step back out of her embrace, there were too many emotions swirling in his brain right now and having Ashley hanging all over him in the middle of the precinct was just adding to his unsteadiness. “We haven’t really talked in over a decade.”
“What?” Ashley’s anger turned to confusion.
“He was in hospice care, I saw him a few weeks ago when my sister visited again but before that, we didn’t talk.”
“Wait, what? Hospice care? Your sister visited again? I thought she just came down that one time to work on the house.” Ashley held her hand up, clearly trying to process the information.
Tim shook his head, feeling suddenly nauseous, his head pounding from the shock of the phone call a few minutes ago and now this impending argument he felt was coming on with Ashley.
“No, she did a ride along with Lucy and I, a couple of months ago, and then came down again to work on the house but then we found something and anyway, it’s too much to explain.”
“Lucy? A ride along? So Lucy met her? I wanted to meet her but you said you were too busy.”
“We were,” Tim said weakly, his head was definitely pounding now, an ache forming at the edges of his brain.
“Did Lucy know? About your dad? Being in hospice?” Ashley’s tone was becoming accusatory and Tim knew he definitely wasn’t in the right headspace for this. At hearing Lucy’s name, he realized he wanted her back here. She was a calming presence, she would help him handle this situation and ground him, not make him feel like he was spinning out of control, like he had done something wrong after just getting news that he had lost his only living parent. He’d been through two tours in the military, spent over a decade on the streets of LA, facing down guns and gangbangers, been shot at, stabbed, concussed, had bones broken and walked away like it was nothing but right now he was jumble of emotions that he didn’t know how to deal with and the only person he wanted by his side was his five foot four inch tall former rookie turned current aide who seemed to live each day to get just enough under his skin that he left the parking garage thinking of her and pulled in the morning with her still on his mind.
“She took me to see him there,” he said finally and he watched Ashley’s body droop in surrender.
“Right,” she huffed out, looking away, “Of course she did.”
What’s that supposed to mean, he thought briefly before deciding he didn’t have the strength for this right now.
“Look, I need to work right now, I need to get my mind off this.” Tears were glistening in her eyes and Tim started to feel bad, he cared about her and she obviously cared about him. “Can we talk more about this later?”
Her expression softened and she took his hand, “Yeah, Tim, I want to be here for you.” He allowed her to weave her fingers into his, “I’ll bring you dinner after your shift.”
“Thanks, that would be nice.”
Leaning forward to kiss his cheek, she whispered, “Call me, before then, if you need anything.” He nodded and pulled his hand from hers, walking briskly towards the garage and their waiting shop, not looking back.
Tim was quiet as he rolled the shop out the garage. She’d briefly thought about insisting on driving but decided it was better to keep things as normal as possible. The first call came in right as they pulled out on the street and she saw his body sag in relief before he picked up the radio and attached them to it.
The calls came in one after another and their entire morning was spent at various scenes, responding on the radio to another scene mere minutes after leaving a previous one.
Then right before lunch, there was a lull and Lucy finally ventured to break the tension.
“You know, in times like these, sometimes just talking to someone, anyone, about anything, helps.”
His eyes flashed over to her and even after all these years, she could never get used to just how blue they were during the day, when the light reflected off them just right in the driver’s seat.
“So what do you want to talk about?”
“I don’t know, the weather?” She shrugged.
He squinted and leaned down over the steering wheel, peering out the front windshield, “It’s LA, the weather is always the same. It’s sunny.”
She nodded, “I guess that’s why we put up with the high cost of living and the constant threat of earthquakes.”
He looked over at her with a small smile before stopping at their favorite food truck park. “Want to break for lunch? It’s on me.”
He knew he was going to have to deal with it at some point but he would rather that some point come later. The cushion of denial was still large enough that he could use it to block any feelings that might start bleeding into his consciousness. Like the fact that he would need to be there for his sister, to make arrangements and have a funeral and bury their father. And the fact that now he had no parents left, that they were technically orphans, adult orphans.
He’d gone through it all before, when his mom died of ovarian cancer, far earlier and much quicker than anyone could ever imagine. By the time they had realized how bad it was and pulled him out of a warzone, it was almost too late and even though she was technically still alive when he’d finally arrived at her bedside, dressed in army fatigues and not quite acclimated to being in a place where he wasn’t at risk of a random gunfight or a hidden IED, she hadn’t been lucid enough to recognize him.
Except for one moment, in the middle of the night, when he was still awake in a chair by her bed, fighting jet lag and the adrenaline high he’d been on since he’d been deployed.
“Hey sport.”
His head snapped up and he stared at her, not sure if he had heard it or if it was just his mind playing tricks on him.
“Mom?”
Her hand raised up slowly and he surged forward, grasping it and bringing it to his face, careful not to rub too hard against the stubble that had been forming over the past few days.
“I’m sick, sport. I told Genny not to worry you.”
“You didn’t need to do that, mom.” he whispered, his voice raspy with emotion and lack of sleep.
“Did I ever tell you how proud of you I am?” she said, her eyes shining.
He smiled, “All the time.”
Her eyes glazed over and closed again, her hand going limp in his, “I love you mom,” he said, wiping at a tickle on his cheek and looking at his hand in surprise when he realized it was wet. He was crying. The tears poured out of him at that moment and he started sobbing, laying his head down on her chest and letting it all out until he cried himself to sleep.
She was gone the next day and he stuck around for her funeral before catching a plane back to Afghanistan. He didn’t cry anymore, even when he held his grieving sister’s hand throughout the funeral and she hugged him so hard he could barely breathe at the airport. He didn’t say more than two words to his dad, holding in everything he wanted to tell him, looking away when he saw the outline of the flask in his suit pocket. Genny was in college by then and out of the house and his dad could do whatever he wanted to now, Tim didn’t care, he knew that this would be one of the last times he saw the man he despised more than even the enemies he was going to fight against, more than the lowest criminal he would chase years later when he joined the LAPD.
“Tim.”
Lucy’s voice shook him out of his daze. He looked down at the rice bowl he’d been picking at and then up at her concerned face.
“What?”
“I, um, asked if your sister was going to stay with you?”
“Yeah, probably, I mean, I hadn’t really thought that far but yeah,” he shifted forward in his chair while he answered her, moving a little bit closer to her.
Lucy smiled, her eyes soft, “That will be nice huh? At least you get to spend time with her and your nephews. Even if…”
Tim nodded, his mouth a straight line and suddenly a noise on the other side of the park caught their attention. It was a young couple with a baby, who was shrieking in joy at a small dog prancing by with their owner. Lucy’s smile grew wider and she turned back to Tim, her eyes sparkling and he suddenly felt like his world was tilting over on its axis, but not in a bad way.
“Hey, I just wanted to say thanks,” he squeezed out, unsure of if his voice sounded steadier than it did in his own ears.
“For what?” Her brows were furrowed while she took another forkful of food.
“For not getting me pulled off duty today, I know you were thinking about going to Grey.”
Her eyes widened and he knew that it was true.
“I need this right now,” he continued.
I need you right now.
The thought came into his head so quickly he almost wondered if he’d said it out loud but Lucy didn’t react in a way that told him she had heard such a raw confession so he knew he’d just internalized it.
“Well, you’re welcome,” she said, moving her fork to steal some of the grilled vegetables off his rice bowl but he was quicker and he moved it away, suddenly feeling hungry. She rolled her eyes at him, “Are you going to finish that up so we can get a move on?”
He shoved a huge forkful in his mouth, pointedly chewing loudly while looking at her and she threw her head back and laughed and Tim felt a sudden clarity.