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Nick always prided himself on being trustworthy. His friends had always been able to confide in him, so he had his fair share of experiences with secrets. When one of his friends cheated on a math test or had a crush on somebody in their class, he’d be trusted with that knowledge and take it to the grave.
However, he was inexperienced with having big secrets of his own, let alone keeping them. And the secret he was hiding right now could change a lot of things.
After a lot of self-reflection, concerning Google searches, and a shit ton of dramatically staring at himself in the mirror, as if trying to scare himself into confessing, he came upon some very new information.
He was really fucking gay.
Sure, he always used to get a blush on his cheeks when a cute boy asked to play with him at recess in elementary school. And maybe he stared too long at the muscly superheroes in the action movies he watched with Matt & Chris. And there may have been certain camp counselors that little Nick always wanted the attention of.
And yeah, maybe he should’ve figured this out sooner.
He didn’t feel any… different, surprisingly. Just gayer. Or maybe his normal amount of gay. He didn’t know he had any amount of gay until a few months ago.
The problem was, that now this was a thing . If he was straight, there would be no thing, just, “oh yeah, there goes Nick”. But now he could only prepare for people to point and stare, going “there’s Nick! He’s a gay person! He wants to kiss guys! Gay!”
Or he could forever stay in the closet, lock the door tight, and have private fashion shows for the rest of his days, which honestly sounded really appealing.
The second-biggest realization he had was about Matt & Chris. They were straight. He was gay. How was that even possible? They already had different friends and hobbies, and now different sexualities? It was getting harder to relate.
They were friends with guys and spent their time playing lacrosse with them, doing stereotypical dude-bro stuff. Nick spent his days practicing his photography and going on picnics with his (mainly girl) friends. It was impossible not to feel a little left out.
It just came so easy for them, something Nick could never do. Blending in was something he wasn’t used to having to do, but he had to do that more than ever.
Plus, coming out to friends was difficult as it was, but coming out to the two most important people in his life was downright impossible. He knew they wouldn’t see him any differently (hopefully), but just the idea of telling them was… daunting, to say the least.
Nick sighed and stared down at his phone, looking at the message Chris sent him a few minutes ago.
hey kid
wanna go out with me and matt
your room is probably super boring and matt and me are super cool and you should come out with us
matt says he’ll put you on aux too if you want
which you won’t want because my music taste is amazing
but you know
if you do
He had a habit of spamming, something Nick never minded. Found endearing, almost. But he couldn’t help but feel like this was out of pity. Not like “hey, Nick’s out brother, let’s invite him like we always do.” More like, “Nick’s been weird and antisocial for a few months. Let’s make it seem like we don’t think that’s weird of him to be.”
He looked at his appearance in the mirror, and though he looked terrible, he thought he might as well take the opportunity to spend time with them. He’d be the first to admit that he was distancing himself a little, but it seemed natural. He was the odd one out; they were their own Matt-Chris dynamic duo. But he could definitely admit that he missed spending time with them, so he mustered up the courage to respond.
yeah one sec
————
They were sitting in a parking lot, sharing junk food. As usual, Nick was in the back while Chris & Matt stayed in the front, the former scrolling on his phone to find music to play.
It wasn’t tense, exactly, but Nick could tell that there was something on their minds, something shared. Most thoughts they had were shared; they were somehow always on the same wavelength. Another thing that differentiated them from him.
Chris tilted his phone to show Matt the songs he had queued, and Matt just nodded in approval. He heard the music start playing, but it was strangely much quieter than usual. Chris, loud and boisterous as he was, enjoyed his music the same way, so hearing music play softly seemed bizarre.
From where he was vaguely paying attention to the scene in front of him, he saw Matt still. He looked up, meeting his eyes in the mirror, and he registered that Matt had been looking at him, albeit briefly. He maintained the eye contact, but looked noticeably more nervous.
He heard Chris shuffle around, turning around fully in his seat so he could pay attention to Nick. Nick stiffened under his gaze, watching as Matt followed his actions.
“…Hey?” Nick asked, fixing his posture. “The fuck’s wrong?”
Chris huffed and smiled, though it didn’t seem as overly-excited as it usually was. “Nick, I really think we should be asking you that.”
Nick furrowed his brows at that, looking at Matt, who was still nervously, but directly, looking at him. He didn’t seem to be in disagreement, though, and it dawned on Nick that this was orchestrated, at least to some extent. Fuck.
“Kid, why would anything be wrong? I’m fine, you two are the ones acting strangely,” Nick deflected. Stubbornness was a quality of his that he was overly aware of, but in this moment, he was grateful for it. He never thought he’d like the walls he’d built around himself, and he didn’t, but it was so much easier to keep them intact.
Chris reached for his hand, and it took everything for Nick not to pull away. “Nick, come on, don’t lie to us. It’s really obvious that something’s up; you could never hide that from us. We’re your brothers, we know everything about you.”
Oh, how wrong he was.
Matt nodded along, taking a breath before he spoke. “You’ve just seemed kind of… distant, I guess, lately. It may not be anything, but still, we just want to make sure you’re all right.”
Nick fidgeted with Chris’ hand in his own, a habit he’d picked up from his brother. The fact that he was distancing himself was confirmed in that moment, as was the fact that he was keeping stuff from them. It was equally tempting to come out then and there as it was to remain in the closet for the rest of eternity. They had a strange effect on him.
Nick shook his head, looking down at the ground. He needed to keep his composure, this is not something he wanted to be angry for. “I mean, I’m all right, I’ve just… learned a few things about myself, I guess.”
“Like what?”
Curse Chris for wanting to know everything. He always did, a quality Nick was more than aware of. It seems that keeping it vague and cutting the conversation short wasn’t going to be possible.
“Personal stuff, Chris. My stuff.”
Chris squeezed his hand nervously, and Matt seemed to tense up, noticing a change in the air. “Jeez, all right, sorry-“
“Nick, since when did we keep secrets from each other?” Matt cut Chris off, looking intensely at Nick. He’d never seen him so outspoken before.
“What are you talking about, Matt?”
Matt shook his head exasperatedly. “We know everything about each other. We’re triplets, we’re best friends, we’re closer than anything. There’s never been any big secrets between us, and there’s especially never been any distance. I’m just… I’m worried, Nick. This might be invasive and nosy, but I just need to know what’s wrong.” He used a gentle tone, but Nick could pick up on his hurt.
Shit. He didn’t even realize that they could’ve been doing off worse without him, the thought never crossed his mind. He knew he relied on them, but the idea that they needed him just as much seemed unlikely. However, feeling Chris squeeze his sweaty hand and seeing Matt look at him with such a powerful look solidified it. They needed each other.
Nick sighed before transferring Chris’ hand to his right and reaching out to grab Matt’s with his left. He looked between them before speaking.
“I’m sorry, I really am. I know, we should never keep secrets between us, and I can’t keep doing this if we’re getting distant. I’m gonna tell you guys something, but you have to promise not to interrupt, all right?” He pointedly targeted Chris, making the two of them laugh slightly, but they both nodded.
“Yup, go talk.”
Nick took a deep breath. This was crazy, it had to be. But he couldn’t keep to himself any longer.
“Matt, Chris: I’m gay.”
He could feel his heart pounding in his chest, he looked down at his shoes to avoid all eye contact with them. Their reactions were the ones he valued the most, needed the most, and facing them was too difficult to bear. He could imagine all the scenarios in which they just look at him strangely and silently start the car, going home without a word.
Instead, he heard a sniffle come from Chris, and a gentle laugh come from Matt as he reassuringly pet Chris’ soldier. Nick jerked his head up, looking between the two of them. Both of them were smiling, looking at him, looking proud.
“Nick, you idiot.” Chris managed to get into the backseat from over the center console, practically throwing himself at Nick for a much-needed hug. “Why’d you ever be scared to tell us that?”
Nick, a weight recently being removed from his chest, felt the smile grow on his face as he looked at him. Of course they accepted him, why wouldn’t they have?
“This doesn’t change anything, yeah?” Matt said, reaching out to put a hand on Nick’s knee. “You’re still our brother and we love you just as much. Maybe more.”
Nick let out a wet laugh, nodding at Matt. “Yeah, I know.” He felt Chris’ arms squeeze around him tighter, and instinctively put a hand to his head as he felt Chris bury himself in his neck.
“We love you, Nick. You’re our brother forever; you’re never getting rid of us.”
“I’m glad.”
Nick gave Chris one final tight squeeze before he let go, and Chris still had a wide smile on his face. He went to move back to his seat, but Matt stopped him, motioning for him to stay in the back. He grinned as he moved next to Nick, putting an arm around his shoulder.
Matt looked at the sight behind him through the rear view mirror, having turned around and being ready to leave. “Ice cream to celebrate?”
They both looked at him expectantly, with so much love, and Nick couldn’t help the smile on his face. He laughed before he spoke, saying, “Yeah! I honestly deserve it after dealing with this bullshit.”
The two laughed as Chris moved in closer next to him, Matt starting the car. Before pulling out, he looked up at him through the mirror one last time, Nick’s eyes already on his. “We love you, Nick. Know that. You’re gonna be stuck with us for the rest of eternity.”
Chris moved in impossibly closer, nodding against Nick. “Yup, we’ll be here for you even when you won’t want us to be. I love you.”
Nick caught himself smiling like an idiot, and couldn’t find it in him to stop. “I wouldn’t want it any other way.”
The rest of the car ride to the ice cream shop was filled with teasing from Chris, asking him about crushes, Nick shutting him down, and looks from Matt, telling them to shut up so he could focus. Their normal routine was back, and he had never felt more grateful for their dynamic. He had cemented that he was included, that he was needed, and he never felt better.
————
Nick looked up next to him from his bed. That was years ago, but it was still a fond memory of his. His mental health hadn’t been the greatest that year, but that was a small highlight despite everything.
Currently, Matt was leaned against him as he scrolled through Instagram, showing things to Nick every once in a while. Chris was on his other side, using him as a makeshift pillow and running a hand through Nick’s hair. It was a habit that was annoying at times, but preferable now during quiet, late nights.
“What’s on your mind, kid, you’re just staring at nothing,” Matt asked, shutting his phone and fully turning to face Nick. Ever since then, it seemed like his emotions were so perceptible. Then again, he could tell what his brothers were feeling in a heartbeat.
“Just… I’m really glad I came out to you guys. Imagine if I was still in the closet? That’d be scary.” He felt Chris scrunch his face from beside him, still awake and coherent enough to respond.
“Ew, that’s weird, don’t say that.”
Nick laughed as Matt nodded next to him. “Yeah, I don’t want to think about that. I only want to imagine you when you’re happy.”
Nick leaned against his headboard and sighed, feeling two people move in closer to him. Matt quickly got up to shut off the light as they moved under the covers, Nick in the middle as he was before. “Yeah, me too.”
Chris burrowed himself into his chest while Matt seemed to be pulling him towards him, but Nick felt more secure than at limbo. Matt mumbled into his neck, and Nick felt him say “Good night; I love you” more than he heard it.
Chris squeezed him tightly before doing the same. “Love you so much, Nick. Best big brother ever.”
Nick couldn’t help a laugh bubbled up in his chest, adjusting to be even closer to his brothers. “I love you guys, too. Sleep well.”