Chapter Text
The first month had been the worst. He tried his best to be there for Noah and be the best father he could be. Rafael knew Noah was going through a lot too, so they went easy on each other. At night, Rafael cried until he felt her arms wrap around him and hold him close.
The second month wasn't much better, but now he would spend late nights at the bar and go home with random women. He'd always stop in their door way before anything could happen and apologize. His heart, as broken as it was, longed to be in her arms. It had always been that way. From the moment he fell in love with her to now. Rafael was trying to find his way to her, but he knew no road would lead to her now. It was too late. And yet, she still held him late at night.
The third month, he decided to go back to work. Rafael had been thinking about leaving SVU, knowing it would hurt too much to see someone else sitting in her office, a different detective asking for a warrant. But, in the end, he had decided to stay. Olivia wouldn't have wanted him to leave her squad behind. But he could never focus. He still won cases but he didn't have the same fire that had been there before. She was always on his mind, in everything he did, and he hated it because he wanted to focus.
The moment he heard the news kept playing in his mind. The call from Fin letting him know what happened. Three gunshot wounds to the chest. The doctor's had told him the bullets hit arteries. She wouldn't make it through the night. Rafael spent that night at her side, holding her hand, kissing her, knowing he'd never get to again. And then the long beep filled the silent room, and he sobbed into her side, silently praying it was all a cruel nightmare.
Her funeral had been a beautiful service. So many people were there to celebrate the life of Lieutenant Olivia Benson. He sat in the front row, Noah on his lap, face in his chest to keep from looking at the casket. Her squad and his mother sat beside him since she didn't really have other family. Many people told stories of their time in her presence. He was the last one to speak. He barely made it through the eulogy, completely choked up the entire time. But he spoke of the first time he met her and their working relationship, that grew into a friendship, and then into a romantic relationship. He talked of how easy it was to fall in love with her and to love her. He talked of the ups and downs and in-betweens. He refused to speak of her in the past tense. While everyone else spoke about how amazing she was. He kept to the present, speaking of how amazing she is. Maybe that was just his way of trying to ignore the inevitable. She was gone and she wasn't coming back.
The fourth month was when the dreams began. He would go to sleep and he would see her. She would wrap her arms around him and promise him that it was going to be ok. He was thankful for that time, and yet it felt he was losing her all over again everytime the morning light came and her reflection faded. And then he was left to grieve and face the day alone. The dreams got more realistic over time. Instead of just being in a white void, his brain would conjure up what life could be like if she was still alive. They'd be in their apartment, he'd be cooking dinner as she helped Noah with homework or vice versa. The pain from those set in when he would cook dinner and help Noah with homework. Co parenting was one thing, but being the only parent was a whole other thing. And Rafael wasn't sure how to handle Noah's emotions surrounding her death.
The fifth month, Rafael enrolled himself and Noah in separate therapies. At first he had considered going to Dr.Lindstorm, but after some thought he knew he needed a fresh slate. Someone who didn't know Olivia. Therapy was a new concept for Rafael. After his grandmother's death the only person he talked to was Olivia. She was his moon and he was the tide, because she had always pulled him back to her, when his depression about his grandmother pulled him back so far, she was there to steady him. So broaching the feelings of her passing to a stranger felt weird. Eventually, he let himself trust Dr.Torsney and open up to him, and it did help him heal a little bit.
The sixth month was when he allowed himself to choose happiness again. He lived his life the way Olivia would've wanted him to. He took Noah to the park every Saturday like they used to. He and Noah attended church with Lucia every Sunday. And the rest of the week he was at work and Noah was at school. They had movie nights again. Spaghetti night was back on every Tuesday, sometimes Lucia would join them, other times it was just the two of them. Their hearts still hurt without Olivia, they always would, but at least now, some normalcy was restored.
The seventh month, Rafael a tattoo on his forearm. In black ink, it read, "For Olivia, my Always. All ways." That was their I love you. And he knew he wanted it on his body permanently. He had never gotten a tattoo before, never felt the need for one. When he had expressed his interest in getting one to his mom, she had said that the idea was beautiful, but he didn't need to feel like he needed to write her name on his body, because she'd always be tattooed into his heart and his soul and he liked that. But he still chose to get the tattoo.
The eighth month, he finally visited her grave. He had refused to go after starting therapy. He was trying to stay happy at all times, so he hadn't wanted to visit the grave and be reminded of what he lost. But he wanted to talk to her. So he went to the florist, boughy her favorite flowers, and walked to the cemetery where she was buried. He walked through the cemetery, the familiar path to the tombstone with her name on it. He kneeled on the ground and set the flowers in front of the grave. He placed his hand on the cold, grey rock, and squeezed his eyes shut. He spent two hours there that day, talking about Noah, filling her in on how he was doing in school and how he had dedicated a dance to her at his latest dance recital. The tears fell the whole time, and he didn't care, his therapist told him it was good to let himself cry.
The ninth month, Rafael went on his first date since her death. Nothing came out of it, he hadn't expected anything to, but his therapist had suggested trying to put himself out there. He came home after the date and had a conversation with a worried Noah. The boy was scared that Rafael was going to find someone to replace Olivia. Noah immediately promised him that no one would ever come anywhere close to replacing Olivia. He vowed to never join the dating scene again. He knew Olivia wouldn't want him to do that, but he didn't think he could ever fall in love again. Olivia still owned his heart.
The tenth month was when Rafael finally felt ready to go through her things. With his mother's help, they spent a Sudnay afternoon in what was once their bedroom, now just his, going through her things. They started with her clothes and he was hesitant to get rid of anything. He made a pile of clothes he was going to keep. Things that somehow still smelled like her. After clothes they moved onto her bedside drawer. Inside, he found notes that he had written to her when they were dating. Notes that had probably come with a bouquet of flowers. He put them in a pile and stuck them in his briefcase another everyday reminder of her.
The eleventh month made Rafael realize how long it had been since he last saw her smile, listened to her laugh, laid in her arms, kissed her lips. He remembered telling her on their wedding day that he didn't know what he'd do without her. She'd kissed him and told him that he'd never have to find out. But he did. Much sooner than he had expected. Squabbling at 85. She hadn't even made it to 55. Rafael laid in bed one night and tried to remember the time that the spot next to him wasn't cold. The time when he made two mugs of coffee in the morning. The time that there were two toothbrushes on the sink. The time when he didn't have enough room for his suits, he regretted ever being upset about that, because now he had too much room. That night, Rafael pulled one of Olivia's old t shirts out a drawer and held it against him all night. Her smell lingered and he allowed himself to cry into it. Whispering broken "I love you"'s into the worn fabric. He fell asleep and there she was waiting for him in his dream. She held him.
The one year anniversary of her death came around far quicker than Rafael had thought the night that he lost her. A whole year without the love of his life. His mother assured him that she was proud of him for how far he had come and that Olivia would be too. He took off work that day and let Noah stay home from school. They spent the day going through photo albums of their short life together. Noah cried into his shoulder and Rafael held his son, crying with him. "She'd be so proud of you, mijo." Rafael promised, pressing a kiss to his curls. "You were her whole world."
That night, the squad, Lucia, Rafael, and Noah all made their way to the roof of the building. They each carried a balloon that they were going to release into the sky. Fin went first. "I know I told you I liked being in charge, but I don't like it as much as I did when you were still here. You were my best friend, Liv. You always had my back, and I promised to have yours. Those bullets should've been mine." He said, his voice laced with emotion as he looked up into the sky and let go of the balloon.
Rollins stepped forward. "We butted heads when I first came to SVU. But I couldn't have asked for a better boss. You were an inspiration and a role model. I was lucky to be your friend. It's not the same without you. You were my sister, more than my actual blood sister has ever been. I can't thank you enough for that." She looked back at everyone on the roof and let go of the balloon.
Carisi cleared his throat and then began. "I never wanted to live in a world without the iconic Olivia Benson." He looked back at Rafael. "Benson-Barba. You taught me so much, Lieu. You always gave me a chance to prove myself. You saved my life and I'll always wish that I could have returned the favor." The balloon floated up into the sky, following the other two.
Lucia squeezed her son's hand, noticing the tears in his eyes. She stepped forward. "I always knew you were the one for my son. I was so happy when he told me that he had taken you out on a date. I've never seen my son as happy as he was when he was with you. You not only gave my son a family, but you gave me one. You became my daughter. God blessed me with you. And you blessed me with a grandson. You had a spirit that lit up the room when you walked in. They always say that a mother's worst nightmare is losing her child. I can confirm that it's true. Te amo, mija." Lucia wiped her tears and then let go of the balloon.
Rafael lifted Noah onto his hip, the boy was holding the balloon. "I don't even know where to start, Livia. This past year has been the hardest year of my life. A year ago today, I didn't think I'd be able to survive. But I had promised you that if something happened to you, I would take care of Noah. I am, Liv, and I think I'm doing ok. It's different without you, you're the love of my life. You were my best friend, I never wanted to lose you. My world keeps turning, Liv, but somehow I haven't moved on. You still own my heart, and you always will. I'll never lover again. It's only you. It's only ever been you. This one's for you, mi amor." He said, setting Noah down in front of him. He grabbed the string of the balloon and he and Noah released it together. As Rafael watched it float away, he fell to his knees to cry. He felt his mother wrap her arms around him. "I need her back, Mami. I need my Olivia." He sobbed into her shoulder. His mother rubbed his back, willing to hold her son for as long as he needed.
Rafael would never understand why she was taken from him so soon. He had always asked Olivia what he'd done to get so lucky to be married to her, now, he looked at the sky, and if there was a God, he asked what he, or any of the people around him had done to deserve this pain. The never ending pain he felt every morning when he woke up without her, and every night when he went to bed without her. His heart would never be whole again, he knew that.
Another year later and that proved to be true. But he was doing better, of course he still missed her everyday, but now, he had finally accepted that she was gone.
A week after the two year anniversary of her death, Rafael poured himself a mug of coffee as Noah ate his breakfast, ready for Lucy to pick him up in ten minutes for school. But when a knock sounded on the door, they were both confused because Lucy usually didn't come early. Rafael set his coffee down and went to open the door. A man stood on the other side, someone Rafael didn't recognize. "Rafael Barba?" The man asked.
"Yes, can I help you?"
The man held out his hand. "Stan Smith, an agent with the Witness Protection Program. I need you to come with me to Rochester." The man said, to say Rafael was confused was an understatement. He didn't know why WPP needed to him, but maybe Jack McCoy had given them his name.
“May I know why?” He asked, raising an eyebrow at the man.
“I’m sorry, sir, it is highly classified information.” The man told him, and he considered his options for a moment. Witness protection was a serious matter so he assumed whatever they needed him for was important. He didn’t have to be in court today, so he figured he could tell Carmen to cancel his day and make a trip to Rochester.
As he was about to as the agent to give him a moment to situate child care, Lucy came to the door and gave Rafael a weird look. "Hey, Lucy. I have to take a last minute trip to Rochester tonight. Could you get Noah from school and drop him off at my mom's house?" He asked, as the man stepped aside to let Lucy come into view. Noah jumped down from the table and grabbed his bookbag.
"Of course." Lucy said, just as Noah wrapped his arms around Rafael's waist.
"Bye daddy!" He exclaimed and Rafael kissed his head.
"Have a good day, buddy. I love you." Rafael said, sending him away with Lucy. Once the babysitter was gone, Rafael turned back to the agent. "Can I ask why I'm supposed to come with you?" He asked. He thought of Olivia and how she would tell him to be careful before going with him.
"Unfortunately, I can't give much information. You'll understand once we arrive." Rafael was hesitant, but the man had showed his ID and it looked real. So, he decided that it couldn't hurt anything to go with the agent.
Rafael sighed. "Let's go then."
Agent Smith led them out to the black vehicle with tinted windows. Rafael climbed in the passenger seat, preparing for the five hour drive to Rochester. During the ride, Rafael stayed silent. He kept his guard up though because he still had no idea why he was needed in Rochester.
Eventually, they arrived at the WPP headquarters of Rochester. Rafael got out of the vehicle and followed Agent Smith inside. "Go to this address. Ask for Maggie Bentley." He said, handing Rafael a paper with an address on it. Rafael thanked him and then left. He google the address on his phone to find that it was a safe house for sexual assault victims. So this was about a case. He walked the short distance to the building and then he took a deep breath before going inside.
"Can I help you, sir?" A woman at the front desk asked.
"ADA Rafael Barba from Manhattan. I'm here to see a Maggie Bentley." He said, and the woman smiled and picked up the phone to call back to whomever Rafael was supposed to be meeting with. He waited with his hands in his pockets, but when he saw who rounded the corner, he almost fainted. His wife. His always. There she was, right in front of him. Rafael thought he was dreaming.
"Rafa." She said and he tried to make sense of what was going on. His mind was going a million miles per minute. She was supposed to be dead, so why was she here. He watched her die. He held her body the night she died. He sat front row at her funeral. He visited her grave. This wasn’t possible, and yet there she was. "Mindy, I'm taking the rest of the day." She said over her shoulder, and she grabbed his hand and pulled him out of the building.
He followed her to her vehicle and got inside. She turned toward him, tears slipping down her cheeks. "You're alive? How?" He asked, and she reached across to hold his hand. Rafael lost himself at the soft touch of her hand. A touch he hadn't felt for two years. He closed his eyes almost believing that when he opened them again, she’d be gone.
"The man who shot me had connections. He was involved in multiple gangs whose goal was to target police officers. After the FBI did some investigating they realized that I was still in danger. The doctor knew I was going to make a recovery, so the FBI contacted Witness Protection and we decided the safest thing was to fake my death and join their program. This was to keep you and Noah safe. They moved me here after I healed, bought me a house and changed my name. I never wanted to hurt you, Rafa. Losing you hurt so bad." She explained.
"Why couldn't I know then, but I can know now?"
She gave a small smile. "It was too dangerous, my love. They didn't want me to have any ties to my life before. Now, they think they've caught everyone involved, so they let me make one contact. Of course, I chose you."
"What happens now?" He asked, he didn't want to have to leave her again. Now that he knew she was alive, he didn't want to waste any more time. He knew Noah would want to see her as well. Everyone would want to see her.
"You can visit me whenever, as long as Agent Smith is the one who drives you. Nobody else can know I'm alive though. At least for now. They have to finish tying up a few loose ends before I’m allowed go back to my normal life." He sighed and turned away from her, trying to gather his thoughts. He ran a hand across his face. "I know this is a lot, Rafa."
A lot was an understatement. He didn't know how to make this work, because while he wanted to be there with her, he had Noah to think about. He had his job to think about. He couldn't just up and leave whenever, and if he dropped Noah off with his mother too often she would start to get suspicious, Rochester wasn't exactly a skip and a hop away either. Right when he was finally starting to accept her death, his world is once again flipped upside down and maybe for the most joyous reason. A reason he still hadn't fully comprehended. Olivia was alive.
"I don't know what to do, Liv. I can't be here all the time. My son - our son, needs me." He said, he could see how the slip of tongue hurt her.
"How is he?" She asked. Olivia had never imagined living a life without Rafa and Noah. But when WPP came into her hospital room the day she was shot and explained the situation, she knew she had no choice but to go through with it. She had to protect Noah, and she knew he would he safe with Rafael. She never doubted for one second that Rafael loved her little boy, and that he would be an amazing father.
Rafael smiled, pulling out his phone to show her some pictures from his most recent dance recital. "He's good. He took your death really hard at first, but he's making progress. Therapy every week." She took the phone from his hand and teared up at the sight of her son, he had grown so much.
”He dances?” She asked, and Rafael smiled proudly.
“He does, and he’s got a real gift too. Watching him on stage is magical.” Rafael told her honestly. Olivia wiped a few tears away as she thought about all she had missed.
She wiped the tears from her eyes and then turned towards Rafael again. “So he’s okay?” Rafael nodded, laying a comforting hand on her arm. "And you?"
"I'm ok. It's been really hard, but I've had a lot of support, between the squad and my mother. Losing you was the worst pain I've ever felt, Liv. That first year was the worst year of my life." He said, turning to look at her again. She looked exactly how he remembered, as if he could ever forget what she looked like. Her hair was longer, and her eyes didn’t hold the same brightness that they did. But she was still the same woman he loved.
Moments passed by in absolute silence as they both tried to think of something to say. "Can you stay tonight?" Olivia finally asked, she wanted to hold him and be held by him. He thought for a moment, and then nodded. He knew Noah would be fine with Lucia, and he would leave the next day to return to Manhattan. It wasn’t practical, but he needed to be with her. Now that he knew she was alive, he wasn’t quite sure how he was supposed to leave her here. Olivia started the car and drove them to an apartment complex. He followed her into the building and up to her apartment. He watched as she waved to her neighbors. A simple task and yet it was strange. They didn't know Olivia Benson. They knew Maggie Bentley.
She opened the door and allowed Rafael to step in before her. "This is nice, Liv." He said, looking around at the modern apartment.
"Never feels like home. Just a space, really." She said, moving into the kitchen to get him something to drink. She returned to the living room and handed him a glass of water. He set it down and grabbed her hand, pulling her into his arms. Rafael breathed in her scent, the way it still smelled like her and yet was so different than he remembered. They held each other, there in her space, never wanting to let go of the other, in fear they would disappear. Rafael was still pinching himself, thinking he was dreaming up this very real moment. But he wasn't. This was real.
They spent the whole night holding each other, taking the time to feel each other again, it had been so long and yet it was as if they had never been away from each other, because they still knew the other's habits.
Sun streamed through the window the next morning, and Rafael rolled over, reaching out a hand and grabbing Olivia's hand. He opened his eyes and looked over at her, so beautiful in the dim light of the morning, hair strewn across her face. He laughed gently and pressed a kiss to her cheek. Her eyes fluttered open, looking directly at him. "Do you still have your ring?" He asked, to which she smiled and turned over to reach into her bedside drawer. She sat up and held out a silver chain with her wedding ring on it.
"I wear it as a necklace. And it rests right by heart." Olivia told him, clipping it on. She watched as he grabbed his phone and looked at the time, she saw his face change. "You have to go."
"I'll visit again. Promise."
"Ok." He leaned over and pressed his lips to hers, kissing her senseless until they both pulled back for air. "I love you." She said as she watched him get redressed and grab his phone.
"I love you, too.” He whispered, opening the front door of her place. He turned around as he stepped onto the sidewalk. “If I haven’t said it yet, I’m really glad you’re alive. We’re gonna get through this, Liv.”
She nodded. “Hug Noah for me?”
“Of course.”