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“Ant?”
“Mm?” He answered distractedly, turning from the window to face Dec who sat on the other side of the car.
“Are you alright?” Dec’s concern was clear on his face.
“Yeah, yeah… just thinking. I’m alright.” Ant gave a quick smile and turned once again to gaze out of the rain stained window.
As Joe, their driver, came to a stop outside Dec’s house, he turned to Ant, “So I’ll see you later?”
“Yes, Lisa’s cooking steak.” He paused, as if a sad thought had just occurred to him. “I think she wants to make it a bit fancy, seen as though we haven’t had dinner all together for a couple of weeks, what with I’m a Celebrity an’ all.”
Dec nodded, he had a feeling he knew what was troubling Ant but decided not to bring it up now. Ant placed a hand on Dec’s thigh as he leant over to peck him on the cheek.
“C’mon get out, you’re keeping Joe waiting!” He said playfully. They could of course both get out of the car now as Ant’s own home was only a mere 3 doors away; but they never mentioned it as it was easier to say goodbye with the affection they were used to, in the privacy of the car. You never knew if cameras could be lurking about on the street, they both silently agreed it was safer in the car. Joe never gave any passing comments and it was never discussed.
Dec gave a reassuring smile and stepped out into the rain.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Laughter came from the kitchen as Dec set his empty wine glass down on the counter. He turned to face the pair, both faces flushed from the alcohol.
“Dinner was lovely as always Lisa, thank you.” He leaned in to kiss her on the cheek. Ant couldn’t help thinking how he’d carried out the exact same gesture on Dec only a few hours earlier.
“I best get home, we’re up early for that meeting aren’t we Ant?”
Ant gave a nod, “Mm, sure are. I’ll walk you to the door.” Ant hadn’t been himself all evening, but it seemed only one had picked up on it and it wasn’t Lisa.
“And don’t be staying up too late watching the football then Deccy!” Lisa cooed affectionately as she turned to load the dishwasher.
“Aye, would I ever? Dec winked, glancing back at Lisa.
Ant followed Dec through the hall towards the front door. He watched as Dec put on his shoes, spending longer than usual fastening the laces, the wine taking effect. Dec caught him looking with a gaze he’d seen often in the past few months. He stood up and stepped over to the taller man, placing an affectionate hand on his arm.
“Dec, I - “
“Shh, I know I know. You don’t have to say anything. I know how hard this is for you.”
Guilt tainted Ant’s eyes and it just about killed Dec knowing how difficult this whole situation was for his best friend; and the fact that he was half the problem and that there was little he could do about it. He spun Ant round so the view from the kitchen was blocked. He stepped a fraction closer and rested his hands on the soft shirt covering Ant’s waist. A small sigh escaped Ant’s lips as he leaned to rest his forehead against Dec’s; lifting a hand to cup his face.
“I love you.” It came out as barely a whisper, his sweet breath, laced with wine, brushed against Dec’s cheek. Moments passed as both men took in the other with a sad intensity.
“I love you too Anth. More than anyone.”
Ant slowly stroked his cheek with his thumb as he leant down to press his lips gently against Dec’s. Dec closed his eyes and all he felt was Ant’s lips soft against his own. He’d kissed these lips a hundred times and yet, each kiss felt new. The same Ant, his Ant. He knew every line of his partner’s face, every shade of worry in his eyes, every thought he was thinking, just with a glance. Ant was familiar and comfortable. But something about kissing him, the man who had his heart completely, felt brand new and he couldn’t get enough. Even when he knew he could never have Ant completely, not all of him. He knew too well that part of him belonged to Lisa; he just wasn’t sure how much anymore.
Ant broke away gently but kept their foreheads touching. He knew as well as Dec that Lisa was just down the hall and the front door still hadn’t been opened. Any second she’d be out in the hall to see what the hold up was.
Dec spoke softly as he stood up and reached for the door handle.
“I’ll see you tomorrow then?”
The taller man gave a small nod and smiled weakly, “Not if I see you first.” His attempt at a playful reply however, didn’t reach his eyes; Dec noticed all too well. He broke his gaze away from Ant, opened the door and shut it quietly behind him, stepping into the chilly evening air.
Ant let out a heavy breath and rested his back against the door. He could hear his wife humming something as she tidied up and it was almost enough to make him break down, in his fragile state. Of course, he blamed the alcohol but he knew it was his bottled emotions rising to the surface; something that happened whenever he spent time with Dec and Lisa together, despite his efforts to contain it deep within himself.
It had always been Dec, ever since their Byker Grove years. They were inseparable as the years went on. But then Lisa came along, surely the love of his life and for a time he thought maybe she was the one. The one who he could settle down with, have kids and still maintain a career. He knew, if he was to be with Dec, like that, it could quite possibly be the downfall of both their careers. He was certain Dec realised that too.
Lisa was the woman Ant had always dreamed of; and Dec was the man who made him whole, gave meaning to his life. He would be nothing without that man by his side. He loved Lisa dearly, but Dec had always meant more to him. The bottom line was; he could cope without Lisa, yes it would be hard but he was sure he could manage. But he could not wake up everyday and face the day without Dec. It wasn’t even worth thinking about. They had been through so much, so many emotions and feelings had passed between them. It was plain as day that what he had with Dec was something utterly unique and special, even their friends commented on the bond they had.
Lisa was his wife, but Dec was his best friend, his soulmate and confidant. His lover. This double life he led was slowly destroying him inch by inch and he honestly didn’t know how much more he could take.
Dec’s beautiful smile danced behind Ant’s eye lids, disappearing as he opened them. He blinked back tears and walked towards the kitchen where his wife stood, his heavy burdened feet falling silent against the soft carpet.
“Anything I can do to help honey?”
Lisa hardly noticed Ant’s voice crack on the last word.