Work Text:
Iffy’s hands gripped tight on the vanity counter as she stared herself down in the mirror. Around her were all the products she used to straighten and tame her hair, to make it more palatable to the people she worked for, to fit in, to be treated better at school.
She was sick of it.
She frowned and turned her head this way and that, running her fingers through coarse, damaged hair.
GerBear and D were right.
It was time for the Big Chop.
With a deep breath and one last squeeze on the counter, she picked up her phone and sent out a carbon copied message.
Hey guys. I’m ready. You coming over?
Three messages rolled in, quick and excited.
oh hell yea well be right there D.
That’s awesome, congrats! GerBear.
and
You’re gonna be beautiful, no matter how short you go. Nate.
For the fifteen minutes it took them to arrive, Iffy continued to stare in the mirror. Her poor hair was so dry, especially at the ends. It would be best to get rid of all of it and start over.
But she liked having long hair. She didn’t like it processed and fried, but she liked the idea of it, and suddenly the prospect of having short—or maybe even no— hair terrified her. Would the people at work treat her differently? She wasn’t just the only Black person there, but the only person of color in general. It wasn’t fair, it wasn’t right, but she was expected to act like a bridge between cultures.
She frowned and jabbed a finger at her reflection.
“You’re doing this for you. Screw what anyone else thinks. You deserve to keep your hair the way you like it.”
She sighed. She’d wait for them in the living room.
Nate arrived first. His grin was bright and wide as always. He pulled her into a tight hug and she kissed his chest, the highest she could reach without him bending down.
“How short are you going to go?” he signed.
Iffy shrugged. “I want to keep as much as I can, but my hair’s pretty messed up. I might have to shave it completely.”
Nate ran his hand over his own shaved head with a smile before bringing them back in front to continue signing. “Nothing wrong with that, right?”
Iffy grinned, a little of her nervousness fading.
“Yeah,” she said softly. She bit her lip as she fiddled with her fingers. “It looks good on you, though.”
Nate wrapped an arm around her shoulder and bumped his hip against hers. Iffy chuckled and bumped back.
“Yo, Iffy!”
Iffy jumped at GerBear’s sudden voice. She whirled around to see him and D standing side by side.
“You left the door open, dork,” GerBear said.
Iffy chuckled and ushered them both in, and without another word, they all crowded into the small apartment bathroom.
The pair of scissors in Iffy’s hands glinted under the bright light above the mirror. She snipped them experimentally a few times, looking at them while everyone else looked at her.
“Do you want me to do it?” D asked. “I did Ger’s when he decided he wanted his shaved.” He paused. “Do you want it shaved?”
“I don’t know,” Iffy said softly. “I think I have to, if I want to get rid of all the damage.”
Nate gently nudged her shoulder and signed to their reflections, “Take your time. Do what you need to do.”
Iffy nodded. She grabbed a chunk of hair, breathed deep, closed her eyes, and cut.
“Hell yeah!” GerBear shouted. Someone shook her shoulder excitedly, and she opened her eyes to see D jumping up and down behind her.
Iffy turned to look back into the mirror, but Nate gently caught her chin and tilted her head back.
“Wait until it’s done,” he signed. “It’ll look better then.”
Snip, snip, snip.
Soon Iffy was down to an uneven, close-cropped cut, her old hair fallen around her feet on the towel they’d put down underneath to make cleanup easier. She still kept her back facing the mirror as she ran her hands over it.
“It’s still pretty damaged,” she said sadly. “I guess… I guess I have to shave it off, if I really want a chance for it to grow back healthy.”
D nudged her hip with his and said, “Like I said, I can do it for you if you need to.”
Iffy swallowed hard. It was torture to not turn around and see herself, but Nate was right. She probably looked like a mess right now.
“I can trim it down a bit first and see if that’s enough,” D offered. “I trim my own hair and I look awesome.”
Iffy laughed a little. She wiped at her face and nodded.
Even trimmed as short as possible without a razor, her hair was still dry and crackly. Ugh, why had she been perming it for so long? Why had she listened to her bosses and teachers and peers and everyone stupid in her life that told her she wouldn’t be taken seriously if she had natural hair? Why did she let herself give in?
Nate rested a hand on her shoulder and she turned toward him.
“What’s wrong?”
Iffy sighed and wiped her eyes with her knuckles, even though they were dry.
“All right. Let’s shave it.”
“You’re sure?” GerBear and D both asked, in tandem.
Iffy hesitated, running her hand over her head again.
“Yeah. I’m sure.”
“All right,” D said. He put his hand out and GerBear dropped the electric razor into his hand. Nate nudged her again to get her attention.
“Do you want me to hold your hand?”
Iffy’s smile was watery and embarrassed. “I… yeah. I’d like that a lot.”
He gripped her hand tight. When the buzz of the razor filled the bathroom, Iffy scrunched her eyes closed and squeezed his hand hard.
It took hours. Or, no, it took minutes that felt like hours. That felt like years. She just wanted it done.
Iffy didn’t realize the razor had turned off until a big hand gently petted the top of her now bare head. She flinched.
“Is it bad?” she asked in a wobbly voice.
Nate moved his hand from her head to her cheek, and with his other hand signed, “You’re beautiful.”
She turned to D, who was standing proudly with his hands on his hips, and GerBear, who was grinning brightly.
“I know this is gonna sound weird,” D said, “but you have a really nice skull.”
Iffy snorted. “What?”
“You do!” D flapped his hands around for a few seconds, as if trying to whack the words he was looking for out of the air. “I just mean. When I shaved my head, there were divots and stuff. But you don’t have that. Your skin is so smooth and pretty.”
A smirk pulled at Iffy’s mouth, and D threw his hands in the air.
“Fine, don’t take my awesome compliment! Your skull is stupid! Is that better?”
Iffy burst into laughter, leaning on D’s shoulder as she doubled over. D gently smoothed his hand over her head and said, “For serious though, you look great.”
“You do,” GerBear agreed. He nudged her arm with his wrist and said, “Are you ready to look?”
Iffy took a deep breath. She nodded.
She turned around.
Her sharp inhale cut through the quiet in the bathroom. In the mirror, she could see everyone’s faces, their eyes on her reflection, waiting. She leaned closer to the mirror, gently dragging her fingers along the backs of her ears, her forehead, all the places she had had to tuck away and smooth back before. She turned her head left, right, left again. D hadn’t shaved it completely smooth, so all that remained was the barest layer of hair.
Her stomach was doing something she didn’t understand. It wasn’t good, but it wasn’t bad, either.
“What do you think?” D shifted awkwardly from foot to foot until GerBear put a hand on his elbow to sill him. “Do you like it?”
“I… I don’t know,” Iffy said honestly. “I mean, you did a great job. It’s clean cut and even. I just don’t know how I feel about it on me.”
Nate’s heavy hand came to rest on her head, warm against her now nearly bare scalp. “Just remember to start using sunscreen there, too,” he signed.
Iffy laughed, a bright, happy thing, and GerBear clapped his hands once and said, “Oh, I know! Iffy, can I get something from your room?”
Iffy’s brow furrowed, smile turning confused. “What? Why?”
“Trust me,” he insisted.
He was barely gone a minute before he came back with Iffy’s box of earrings. “To frame your face! So you don’t feel so exposed!”
“I didn’t say—“
“You didn’t have to,” D said gently.
GerBear gently set the box down on the counter. “It’ll be like a shopping spree, only you don’t have to pay for anything!”
Iffy rolled her eyes, but opened and began looking through the little jewelry box. GerBear stood beside her, poking at the little pieces jewelry.
“Ooh!” he exclaimed. “What about these?”
Iffy’s eyes turned toward his hands to see the butterfly earrings Nate had gotten her all those months ago. Her hand jumped to her mouth as she almost burst out into tears. But she was smiling.
“Yeah,” she said. Nate grinned.
After she put the earrings in, she turned her head a few times once more, smiling at the way the light reflected off the iridescent glass on the wings.
“Oh, oh, you know what would look awesome with those?” D said, shoving GerBear out of the way and ignoring his, Hey! “Some of that shimmery makeup stuff! You know, the kind without tint, that’s kind of like a lotion? On your cheeks maybe.”
She wrapped an arm around Nate’s waist and tugged herself closer, burying her face in his wash-worn shirt. He held her there against him, rubbing his hand up and down her arm, until he gently tapped her shoulder and she moved back so she could see his hands.
“Yeah,” he signed, with the gentlest smile Iffy had ever seen. “Then you’d really be a shining butterfly.”