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“Choo choo!” Jay called as pulled his arm back and prepared to push his toy train as far as it would go. Baby Riki was already laughing, bouncing with excitement on his blanket, ready for Jay to send the train by his way. Playing with Riki was always fun because he got so excited over everything.
Jay sent the train zooming toward Riki, who seemed to find it the funniest thing ever. He giggled, clapping his hands until he wobbled and fell over. Riki fell onto his tummy but he didn’t cry; he reached out for the train, his eyes big and excited as he stuck it into his mouth.
“Riki, we can’t play if you eat the train” Jay said, crawling over and pulling the train out of Riki’s mouth. Riki however wasn’t having it. He shrieked, hand reaching out toward Jay. He was about to start crying, his shrieks getting louder before Jay gave in and gave him the train back.
“Fine!” Jay said grumpily, crossing his arms as Riki happily chewed on the train. Well, playing with Riki was fun sometimes!
Jay was distracted from his annoyance at the sound of the door opening. Appa was back!
Appa had been out of the house getting supplies for the party they were having for Jungwon tomorrow for his birthday and he had left Sunoo in charge of taking care of not only Niki but Jay. Jay had begged to go with Appa; he loved birthdays! He wanted to help pick out stuff! But Appa said he couldn’t go! He pouted and refused to give Appa a good bye kiss. But now all of that was forgotten. Because in Appa’s arms he had the biggest, most amazing cake!
It was tall and huge and had mounds of icing and sprinkles! It looked soooooo yummy! Jay just had to have some of it! Big Jay was on a diet because of their upcoming comeback but all little Jay knew was that it had been forever since he'd had sweets and he needed some right....this....second!
Jay was up and making grabby hands for the cake before he even knew what he was doing. Appa moved out of the way, Jay's fingers just barely out of reach for the delicious looking icing.
"Jay, what are you doing?" Appa asked in surprise, backing up.
Jay frowned. It should be obvious! "I want some cake!" Jay said in a whiny, desperate voice.
"Jay, you can't eat this cake right now" Appa said with a little laugh. Jay didn't know why he was laughing; it wasn't funny! He needed cake!
"Why not?" Jay said, deflating, his whine getting bigger. Maybe Appa just didn't understand how much he really needed this cake!
"Because it’s for Jungwon's birthday" Appa said with a laugh. "And he's not even here. He's at home with his family. We're going to celebrate with him tomorrow."
Tomorrow! That was entirely too long to wait! Jay couldn't!
"But that's forever! Can’t I just have a little bit?" Jay asked, giving Appa his best puppy dog eyes. Surely that would work!
"No!" Appa said in a little meaner voice. "That would be rude, Jay. You can’t eat Jungwon's cake without him. It's for his special day!"
"Just a taste!" Jay insisted, sticking out a finger and trying to swipe a bit of icing. But before he could get there, Appa smacked his hand! Jay pulled it back in shock, his eyes starting to well up. Appa hit him! Just a little, but still!
"No!" Appa said in an even meaner voice.
"You hit me!" Jay said, his eyes misty.
"You're not getting this cake. If you touch it, you're going to be in big trouble. Way bigger than that little tap on the hand. I said no, you need to listen."
Jay's eyes filled with tears and he took off running for his room before they could fall down his cheeks. He ran to his room and threw himself face down on the bed, sobbing. He rarely got in trouble when he was little; he was a good boy after all! He hated Appa being cross with him. He really wanted that cake! But he also really wanted to not get in trouble. He sobbed into his pillow for a long time, expecting Appa to come for him but he never did. So he cried a little harder, a little louder, kicking his feet; still nothing. Eventually he must have cried himself to sleep because he woke up a short time later, sweaty, his face puffy from crying. He wiped his snotty nose on his shirtsleeve, still sad. He grabbed Doggie off the bed and cuddled him to him. He wanted Appa to play with him and not be mad at him anymore.
Dragging Doggie by one arm, Jay wiped his eyes and walked back to the living room. Appa was standing up on a chair, hanging balloons around the room. Jay liked balloons! He picked one up to play with it but Appa quickly took it away. Jay tried not to cry again; couldn't he do anything he wanted?!
"I want to play with you, Appa" Jay said, looking up him. He pointed to the balloons. "Can we use a balloon to play Keep Uppy?" Jay loved Keep Uppy, the game of trying to keep a balloon from touching the ground from one of his favorite cartoons, Bluey.
"Not right now. I have lots to do for Jungwon's party" Appa said, more gently than before. "Why don't you go play with Riki?"
Jay looked around the room for Riki. He was on the couch with Sunoo who was trying to change his diaper, his naked butt up in the air. Ugh.....gross! Jay sighed.....babies were no fun sometimes.
"Riki can’t play Keep Uppy, he's a baby" Jay insisted.
"Well, play something else with him" Appa said.
"He took my train and wouldn't give it back!" Jay whined.
"Play by yourself, or watch a show" Appa said. "I can’t play right now, I have to go out and run some more errands."
Jay decided to try a different tactic. "Can you read me a story, please Appa?" Jay asked, his eyes big and his hands in a prayerful pose. Surely Appa couldn't say no to that! Except that he did....but nicer this time.
Heeseung turned around and gave Jay all of his attention for a moment. "Listen, Jay.....I'm sorry I yelled at you earlier" Appa said gently. "I was frustrated at you for not listening about the cake. I'm not mad at you now; I'm just busy. I can't play with you right now because I have things to do. But once I get home from doing errands, I promise we'll have a yummy dinner and I'll play with you and we can cuddle and read a bedtime story. But later, not now."
Jay pouted his lip out but this time he didn't say anything; he didn't know what to say. Appa's mind was made up. He accepted the answer because he had to and when Appa left this time, Jay gave him a goodbye kiss but he was sad. He took Doggie and his paci, popping it into his mouth before he lay on the couch and pouted awhile. Baby Riki had escaped from Sunoo and was crawling around the room giggling, still with no diaper on. Normally this would have made Jay laugh but not now. Now, he just sucked his paci and tried to go to sleep. He was bored but he wasn't tired and eventually he gave up trying to sleep.
Jay tried to keep himself occupied but he was sad and he was really hungry and all he could think of was that amazing cake with the mounds of icing that was meant for Jungwon. If only he could eat some of it! He knew he'd feel better if he had that cake! But Appa had said no.....
No matter what Jay did, he couldn't get into it and he could think about was eating that cake and not feeling so empty. It didn't help that Riki was getting on his last nerve. No matter where Jay went, there was Riki, crawling behind him like a shadow. He even went with him to the potty! He insisted on standing at the toilet next to him and pretending to pee with him even though he was wearing a diaper! As if that wasn’t annoying enough, he wrecked everything Jay tried to do! When he was coloring, Riki tried to eat the crayons; Jay eventually had to put them away. It was the same with play dough; right in Riki's mouth. Trying to play with something Riki couldn't eat, Jay got out his blocks and started to build. But every time he got a few blocks stacked on top of each other, Riki would knock it down and start giggling wildly. Jay felt his eyes welling with angry tears.
"Stop it!" Jay yelled at him, balling up his fists.
He expected Riki to cry like the big baby he was but he just kept laughing! That made Jay even madder! His tummy rumbled again; he wouldn't be this mad if he had had cake.
"Stop it! Stop it now!" Jay yelled again.
Sunoo stepped into the room, having left to go to the bathroom. "What's going on in here?" he asked, looking way too happy.
"Riki won’t stop! He's ruining everything! He won’t let me build!" Jay whined.
Sunoo tried to get Riki to play with a few of his own toys but he wouldn't be dissuaded. He kept pushing the blocks around, spreading them all over the carpet and giggling. As usual, Sunoo thought everything Riki did was cute and just smiled.
"Riki just wants to be with you," Sunoo said with a grin. "He loves you."
"Well, I don't love him!" Jay said angrily before he could think.
Sunoo didn't scold him though. He simply said, "Jay, you don't mean that."
Jay hung his head. No, he didn't mean that. He was just hungry and empty and mad! "I do love him," Jay said, looking at Riki sitting across from him looking at him like a big brother he loved. "But he's being really annoying!"
Riki had started to pick up on Jay's emotions and was starting to pout, ceasing in his kicking of blocks long enough to start whimpering.
Sunoo held out his arms toward Riki. "Come on Riki, let's go play in the other room. Jay needs some space for himself" Sunoo said encouragingly. Riki ate up the affection, diving into Sunoo's willing arms, nuzzling into his chest before letting Sunoo lead him toward their bedroom. After they left, Jay sunk down onto the carpet, eager to start building by himself.
The only problem was after only a little while it wasn't that fun. Jay didn't want Riki to destroy his tower but at the same time he didn't really want to be completely alone. He got bored with building and he wished he had someone to talk to. He missed Appa. His tummy rumbled even more and he couldn't stop thinking about that cake in the kitchen.
Jay lay on the floor with his tummy rumbling when he got an idea. Maybe he could just look at the cake; it wouldn't hurt to just look at it for a little bit right? Maybe if he could just look at it, and dream about how good it would taste tomorrow when everyone ate it he could forget about it.
Jay hopped up and slowly walked to the kitchen, glancing over his shoulder. He wasn't watching for Sunoo because he wasn't doing anything wrong; he was just looking.
Jay poked his head into the kitchen; it was quiet, he was alone. The cake was sitting on the island in the middle of the kitchen. From here, it looked even bigger and more beautiful! Jay's tummy rumbled; oh to just shove a big piece of it in his mouth! His mouth got all watery and Jay walked a little closer. The icing was perfect and in so many colors! Jay stopped himself right as he had one finger out and poised over a sugary flower. He couldn't eat it! He wouldn't touch it! He had to get out of here!
Jay ran out of the kitchen before he could almost eat the cake again and raced toward Riki and Sunoo's room. If he went and hung out with Sunoo and Riki maybe that would distract him from the cake. Jay walked into their room but stopped quickly when he saw them. They were curled up together on Sunoo's bed, a phone between them playing cartoons and they were both fast asleep. Jay felt something big and huge growing in his chest and it didn't feel good at all. It made him want Appa even more. He wanted cuddles and lovings like Riki was getting! But he was all alone!
Feeling like he might cry but determined not to, Jay walked out of the room and back to the kitchen. The cake was still sitting in the same place, looking as pretty as ever. Jay sat down at the island, head down, his face now level with the cake in all its beautiful glory. The tears in his eyes made all the colors blur together. The big bad feeling in his chest continued to grow and this time when his finger began to creep toward the frosting, Jay didn't make himself stop.
One little taste wouldn't hurt.....he knew Appa said not to touch but no one was going to notice if he tasted one teeny, tiny bit of icing.....and besides, Appa wasn't here.
Jay put a scoop of red icing on the end of his finger, excitement making his heart beat faster at the prospect of how good this was going to be, studied it for a moment before sticking his finger in his mouth and sucking on it. Delicious! So sweet, so good! Amazing! It tasted so good that Jay was convinced that nothing bad could happen from taking one more small bite. This time he took a bit of blue icing and licked it off his finger. It was so good! It made happiness bubble through Jay's whole body.
He wasn't sure how it happened; it was like for a little bit all rational thought disappeared from Jay's head. It's like he stopped thinking at all. One minute he was taking those tiny bits of frosting and then another he was grabbing whole fists of cake and shoving it into his mouth as fast as he could. It was chocolate and vanilla and frosting and sugar and it was so good it put Jay under in a spell. When the spell was broken, Jay was sitting in front of a nearly empty box, a sad pile of frosting and crumbs left, his hands and face covered in cake. He was breathing fast and his heart was beating fast; his tummy hurt now. He had eaten almost the whole cake! Jay felt a sinking feeling; how had that happened? Appa was going to be so mad!
As Jay began to worry about all of this, he heard a small voice behind him say, "Uh, oh!"
Jay jumped so big that he fell off the chair in fear, whipping around at the voice. Luckily it was only Riki and not Sunoo or Appa. Riki crawled into the kitchen, sat up on his knees, held out his hands and said again, "Uh, oh!"
Jay bit his chocolate covered lips. Uh oh was one of the few things Riki consistently said when he was little, usually when he did something wrong, made a mess or had a dirty diaper. But Jay knew this time he was saying uh oh for what Jay had done. He knew Jay was in trouble.
"Riki, get out of here" Jay hissed at Riki, trying to shoo him away. He needed to figure out how to hide this without Riki watching his every move like he'd been doing all day.
Riki, unsurprisingly, did not listen. He pointed a finger at Jay and said, "Uh oh!" again.
Great, now Riki was blaming him!
"I know I did something bad, you don't need to tell me!" Jay said desperately, to which Riki just giggled. Jay balled his fists up and stomped his foot. "Get out of here!"
But Riki wouldn’t get out! He just kept saying uh oh and giggling until Jay was about to explode. And then it got worse; Jay could hear the front door open and Appa was home and calling for him! Jay’s stomach hurt so badly and he was suddenly wet with sweat; Appa was gonna be so mad! Jay couldn’t let him find out; he might not like him anymore!
And before Jay even knew he had a plan, he was doing it. Jay grabbed the box and what was left of the cake and put it in the floor next to Riki. Grabbing a handful of icing, Jay put it in Riki’s hands before wiping his own hands and face on Riki’s onesie. Riki was unbothered by this. He seemed he to think it was a game, giggling and clapping his hands before putting his fingers in his mouth and sucking the icing. Good….very good, Jay thought as he checked to make sure nothing was left on him; Riki would look like he ate all the cake! That’s what he got for not leaving Jay alone!
A moment later Appa came into the kitchen. He looked down at Riki and the mess of cake and he looked super surprised.
“What happened here?” Appa asked in shock. When Riki obviously didn’t answer he turned on Jay. “Jay what happened?”
Jay couldn’t look at Appa’s eyes; it made him need to tell the truth. So instead he looked down at Riki still sucking on his fingers like they were a bottle, getting every bit of icing off.
“Riki ate the cake!” Jay said with what he hoped was believable shock. His tummy wiggled and jiggled in an uncomfortable way.
“But how?” Appa asked. “Wasn’t Sunoo watching you?”
“We were sleeping” Jay said, leaving out that only Riki and Sunoo were sleeping. “Riki woke up before me and I came in here and he was eating it and I couldn’t stop him!”
“How did he get it? Surely he didn’t climb up there?” Appa said pointing the island. He had a point; baby Riki hardly walked much less climbed. His giant legs became useless when he was in baby mode.
“Uhh….I don’t know, I wasn’t here” Jay said awkwardly afraid Appa could tell he was lying.
Riki took that opportunity to splash his hands happily in the cake. “Uh oh!” Riki said in his most adorable tone. It was no fair; Riki was so cute Jay couldn’t compete.
“Ah, that’s right you definitely made an uh oh” Appa said but he was smiling and didn’t seem mad.
Riki pointed an icing covered finger at Jay. “Jay Jay uh oh!” He said happily.
That little snitch was trying to tattle on him!
Jay's tummy felt yucky as Riki tried to blame him. He looked down at Riki and did his very best job acting. He put his hands on his hips and said, "Riki, you ate the cake; you made an uh oh! Bad boy!"
Jay was a little afraid that at this point Riki might find his words and really tell on him but luckily he didn't. He gave Jay a big frown and growled at him. He started to whine, gearing up for tears but Appa stepped in at that moment.
"It's okay Jay, don't yell at him," Appa said kindly, stooping down to remove the remainder of the cake from Riki and using a towel to wipe his hands.
Jay was confused. Appa wasn't mad at Riki for supposedly eating the cake? But he had told Jay he'd be in very big trouble if he even touched the cake!
"But....you said it was bad" Jay insisted as Appa continued to clean Riki up and help him stand up. "You said if I even touched the cake I'd be in big, big trouble!"
"Well yes, but you know better Jay '' Appa said. ”Riki is just a baby. He doesn't understand."
Appa turned toward Riki and said, "Let's go get you a bath and all cleaned up" and before Jay could even say anything else, they had left.
Jay could feel a big fire of madness growing inside him. This was so unfair! If Jay had eaten the cake he would be in big trouble but if Riki did exactly the same thing, he wouldn't? Just because he was little? Well, Jay was little too!
Jay followed Appa and Riki and found them in the bathroom. Appa had already started the water and Riki was splashing around in it with some bath toys. Jay was still super mad but suddenly at the sight of Riki having so much fun, he wanted to get into the bath too. He didn't want to play with Riki, he'd just play by himself in the water.
But Appa wouldn't let him do that either! As he started to take off his clothes, Appa stopped him. "Jay, you don't need a bath, only Riki because he's covered in icing."
"I want to play in the tub too" Jay insisted, his voice small and hurt.
"Riki isn't having a fun bath, I'm just cleaning him real fast. Go play" Appa said, urging Jay away.
Jay could feel his eyes filling up with tears. Now he wasn’t mad anymore, he was sad. Appa was lying; Riki was having fun. He was splashing and giggling in the water and Jay wasn't allowed to do the same. Jay couldn't do anything!
Jay's eyes were all watery as he left the bathroom. He grabbed Doggie and his paci, popping it into his mouth. He lie down on the couch, facing the cushions and just lay there. He didn't feel like doing anything. He squeezed Doggie tightly to him and cried. Quietly, because he knew no one really cared if he was sad.
It was a long time lying there crying to himself with no one noticing before Jay heard everyone walking around and smelled the scent of food as they got dinner ready. Jay could hear the sound of Riki babbling happily nearby; he closed his eyes and pretended to be invisible. His tummy hurt so badly. It felt big and huge with cake.
“Jay, come on sweetie, let’s go get some dinner” Appa said close by him before shaking his shoulder. Jay must have convinced him he was asleep.
Jay couldn’t imagine eating; he was sure his tummy might explode if he ate more. “I’m not hungry” Jay whined, wrapping his arms around himself and keeping his eyes closed.
“Come on baby, you have to eat” Appa coaxed gently.
Jay whined; he wasn’t Appa’s baby, Riki was. He was just the forgotten boy no one wanted. “No” Jay harrumphed. “Don’t wanna!”
Appa crouched down beside him, grabbing his shoulder to turn him around. He was smiling at Jay like normally did when he liked him, not annoyed like he had been all day.
“Don’t be mad at me sweetie” Appa said, reaching a hand up and gently rubbing his cheek. It felt good even though Jay wanted to be mad.
“I know you probably think I’ve been ignoring you all day but I promised I’d be here when I was done” Appa said. “Now I’m done. I promised you we’d have dinner and play whatever you want. Please? Don’t be mad at me”
Jay felt bad in his tummy and now in his whole body. He was still kind of mad but he didn't want to be mean to Appa when he was being nice to him. But he really didn't want to eat; he'd already eaten way too much! But if he said that then Appa would know he was the one who ate the cake and not Riki. Then he'd probably be in double trouble for lying and eating the cake.
"Okay, Appa" Jay said with a big sigh, taking Appa's offered hand to help him off the couch. His tummy felt all achy and wavy inside him as he moved and he had to focus hard on not puking. Eating all that cake had seemed like a good idea before but it had turned out to be not such a good idea after all.
Jay followed Appa and the others in the kitchen. The smell of food would normally have made him hungry but right now it made him queasy. Appa sat beside him and fed him individual bites. Everything tasted yucky and he didn't want it but he tried to swallow it down without looking guilty. Eventually, though, he simply couldn't eat another bite. If he did he knew for sure he would puke.
Riki on the other hand, was having no problems at all because he hadn't actually eaten all that cake. Riki was eagerly taking each bite that Sunoo had given him and after he'd finished everything on his plate, started grabbing for the food on Sunoo's plate, much to everyone's amusement.
"Hold on Riki, I'll get you more!" Sunoo said with a laugh, putting more on Riki's plate. "I can't believe you're so hungry! I would have thought all that cake you stole would be plenty."
Riki just smiled and looked cute which made everyone say awww; everyone except Jay who felt sick. He felt like sick emoji right now; surely his skin was also green.
Appa tried to push a bite toward his mouth but he shook his head. "No more, tummy hurts!" Jay whined, turning his head from the bite.
Appa frowned, looking confused. He looked from Riki to Jay and frowned harder. "Your tummy hurts? But you've barely eaten anything" Appa said. He looked at Riki again. "And look at Riki, he's going to town on his food after eating all this cake. Are you okay?"
Jay couldn't tell if Appa was genuinely asking or not and because he couldn't, he began to feel guilty. Sweat began to drip on him. He said the only thing that came to mind.
"I need to poop!"
As soon as he said it, Jay felt his cheeks heat up with blush. It was another lie but no one argued with a kid when they said they needed to poop. It was a get out of jail free card. The others began to laugh and he got even more embarrassed. Even little Jay was more reserved when it came to bathroom functions.
But it worked. Appa simply giggled when he said it and then said, "Well, then go potty sweetie, no one's going to stop you."
His face feeling like it was on fire from being embarrassed, Jay took off for the bathroom. He didn't need to potty but he sat down on the toilet for a long time anyway. He wrapped his arms around himself, feeling like he wanted to cry. He hated lying, especially to Appa. He felt really bad. His tummy hurt so badly and he really wanted to tell Appa so that he could comfort him and make him feel better. But Jay knew that what would really happen if Appa knew what he had done is that he wouldn't comfort him; he wouldn’t rub his tummy and tell him it would be all better. He would be in 'big trouble' and Jay wasn't really sure what that meant as he had never been in 'big trouble' when little. But he definitely knew that he didn't want to find out what it meant.
Jay stayed in the bathroom for a long time, holding back his tears. When he finally came out everyone had finished eating and were in the living room. Walking in there and seeing everyone looking happy and having fun made him sadder. Especially seeing Riki. Riki was sitting in the middle of the floor and all the hyungs were playing with him and laughing and they all acted like he was the cutest thing ever. And Riki was cute but right now Jay kind of wished that he wasn’t little and could make himself big because Riki was cuter and more loveable than him and even when they thought he did something wrong they still liked him. Jay felt the tears getting bigger and harder to hold in his eyes. By the time Appa walked up to him everything looked wavy and blurry for how much tears were in them.
"What would you like to play, Jay?" Appa asked in a cheerful voice. But then he noticed that Jay was on the verge of tears and his face changed to concerned. "What's wrong, you look like you're about to cry."
Appa's noticing his tears made them even bigger. A few dribbled out of his eyes and he wiped them away quickly and forced himself not to cry harder. "I'm...just tired," Jay said. Another lie; there was a mountain of lies inside himself today and Jay didn't like it.
"Can we go read some stories in my room?" Jay asked tearfully. The sound of everyone's laughter and Riki having such a good time was echoing in his ears and he really wanted to be alone with Appa.
"You don't want to play anything? I promised to play with you" Appa said.
Jay shook his head. "No. I'm just really tired and I want to cuddle with you" Jay whined tearfully.
Appa gave a gentle smile. "Okay sweetheart, let's go read some and cuddle" he said kindly.
Then went to Jay's room and climbed into bed together. Jay cuddled up close as he could to Appa as he read stories. He felt warm and safe with Appa but it didn't feel as good as it normally would. He had a hard time focusing on the stories because his tummy felt like it was going to explode. He wanted Appa to make it better but he couldn't because he would never know what Jay did unless he told him which he wouldn't because then Appa would be mad at him.
"Goodnight sweetheart, I love you," Appa said when it was time to go to bed and he was tucking Jay into bed. He tucked the covers securely around Jay and leaned down to kiss Jay on the cheek. A wave of sadness went over Jay; he didn't deserve Appa's kisses or love. He was a bad boy.
As soon as Appa had left the room, the wave of tears in Jay's eyes came out. Now that he was alone in the dark there was no reason not to cry. No one could see him and he was left with just himself. And he didn't like himself very much right now. He was a bad, bad boy. Jay's tears increased until he was full on sobbing.
Jay didn't realize how loud he was crying until the door opened and Appa returned, looking worried. He turned the lamp back on and sat on Jay's bed.
"Jay, baby, what's wrong?" Appa asked. He wrapped his arms around Jay and even though Jay knew he didn't deserve it, it felt good and he wanted it. He couldn't think of any more lies and even though he knew Appa would be mad, he had to tell him the truth.
"I'm a bad boy!" Jay managed to wail through sobs, tears and snot streaming down his face. He felt gross and bad. '
"Oh, no, that's not true," Appa assured him, rubbing his back.
"It is!" Jay cried.
Appa pulled back so that he could look into Jay's eyes. He wiped the tears off his cheeks as he said, "Why do you think that? Did you do something wrong?"
He didn't seem mad and suddenly Jay wanted to tell him everything. He nodded, trying to take a breath and calm his tears.
"Tell me what you did; it's okay," Appa assured him gently. "You'll feel better once you tell me."
Would he? Jay in a way couldn't believe that that was true but Appa said it in a way that seemed so true and Jay so wanted to believe him that he let himself do just that. He finally gave in.
"It wasn't Riki, it was me! I ate all the cake!" Jay wailed. "I tried so hard not to but then I just wanted to take one taste and before I knew it, the whole cake was gone! I was afraid you'd be so mad at me so I blamed it on Riki! I'm sorry! I ruined Wonnie's birthday! And he's going to hate me and you're going to hate me too!"
Jay dissolved into tears, crying so hard he could hardly breathe. At first it didn't feel like telling the truth would help him feel better at all. But then as he was crying Appa wrapped his arms around him and pulled him into a tight hug. It felt good; Appa squeezed him tightly and rubbed his back, making gentle shhh noises.
"Hey, no one hates you" Appa soothed. "It's okay, let it all out."
Jay cried in Appa's arms until his eyes wouldn't cry anymore. His stomach hurt even more from all the crying but in a different way he did feel better now. He didn't have to lie anymore and he could let Appa know how he really felt.
When he finally stopped sobbing, Appa grabbed some tissues and used them to wipe the tears and snot from his face. When he was done he looked into Jay's eyes as he took his hands and squeezed them gently.
"Thank you for finally telling me the truth, Jay. I know that was hard" Appa said. "Listen, no one hates you. I definitely don't hate you; I love you, even when you make mistakes that doesn’t mean I don’t love you. And I know Jungwon doesn't hate you either. His birthday cake is just a cake; it can be replaced.
"No, it can't! I ruined Wonnie hyungie's birthday!" Jay said. He felt so bad about what he had done. His tummy ached and twisted in his body.
"You didn't ruin his birthday," Appa said sympathetically. "We'll go early tomorrow and try to find something else for him. That cake was meant for him and I do wish you hadn't eaten it but we can find another. What I'm most upset about is that you felt like you needed to lie to me."
Jay didn't know what to say. He didn't like the sad look in Appa's eyes so he looked down at the bed.
"I'm your Appa, I'm here to take care of you," Appa said gently. "Why would you lie to me? Am I mean?"
"No, you're not mean!" Jay was quick to say because it was true. "I just......I didn't want you to be mad at me and think I was bad. And you said if I even touched the cake I'd be in super big trouble. So when I realized I had eaten the whole thing I knew you'd be super duper mad. So I said Riki did it because I knew he wouldn't get in trouble because he never gets in trouble. He can do whatever he wants and never get in trouble."
Appa looked like he was thinking hard. "It's not that Riki never gets in trouble. It's just that you're bigger and know better and Riki is just a little baby who doesn't know what he's doing."
The tears came back to Jay's eyes and spilled over. He was super sad thinking about how it used to be. Jay was a baby; he'd always wanted to be a baby. He wasn't as little as Riki; he could walk and talk and potty by himself but he was still a baby. He still wanted to be held and loved and fed bottles and be rocked to sleep. He wanted to feel little; really little. He loved having Riki as a little brother but at the same time he often felt, even while little, that he wasn't truly little because Riki was always smaller than him.
Jay sobbed helplessly as he wailed, "But I'm a baby too! Even though no one seems to remember that anymore!"
Jay couldn’t see through the amount of tears he had but a moment later he felt strong arms wrapping around him and pulling him on to a lap. Jay wrapped his arms around Appa's neck and buried his face as he sobbed. For a while Appa was quiet as Jay cried, only rubbing his back and running fingers through his hair. Appa swayed gently and it felt like for once Jay was being rocked.
Once Jay had calmed down enough, Appa began to speak. "I'm sorry, Jay," he said sadly. "You're right."
Jay pulled back so he could look into Appa's eyes. "I am?" he asked. He wasn't expecting Appa to say that.
"Yes," Appa said. "I realize now that you have told me, we do treat you and Riki differently. I don't mean to but I do. It doesn't mean that I don't love you because I do; I love you so much. But ever since Riki started being little, we have treated you differently. Riki is so obviously a helpless baby that we don't forget he is tiny. But you are such a good big brother to him that I expect you to be that way all the time. I expect you to be a big kid and that's not right because you are a baby too. I'm sorry."
This was definitely not the way Jay had expected things to go. He'd been bad and Appa was apologizing to him? It was enough to make him cry again.
"It's okay, Appa" Jay said through a fresh wave of tears.
"I'll do my best to be a better Appa to you" Appa said, wiping away the tears off Jay's cheeks.
"You're already the best Appa" Jay said.
Appa gave him a super huge smile. "And you'll always be my number one boy" he said before giving Jay a huge hug.
Jay's heart felt like it was exploding with love. He felt all warm and fuzzy and for the first time in a long time as he was thinking was that he was loved; no sadness, no madness, no worry. He was Jay, he was a baby and he was loved by his Appa.
After their big hug, Appa said, "Would you like me to get you a bottle and rock you to sleep, my little baby?"
Appa said it in a super babyish way and Jay loved it. Even though he really wanted that, he couldn't imagine having a bottle right now. His tummy still felt like it might burst.
"I want to but I can't, my tummy still hurts so much from the cake" Jay admitted.
"How about I rub your tummy and sing to you until you go to sleep then?" Appa offered.
Jay couldn't help but smile; that sounded perfect. "Yeah, that would be nice," Jay said.
Jay lay down on his bed on his back and Appa tucked the covers securely around him, making him feel warm and safe in his bed. As he tucked, Appa asked, "So, how was it to eat a whole cake by yourself?"
Jay was embarrassed at the question; he shouldn't have eaten like that. But Appa wasn't mad, he was genuinely curious.
"It was really nice while I was doing it but afterwards it wasn’t so good and I wish I hadn't done it" Jay admitted.
Appa nodded understandingly. "I suppose that's usually how it is when we do something that isn't good for us" he said wisely.
As Jay settled down in his bed, Appa sat next to him and put his hand on his belly. Appa rubbed in slow, warm circles on his tummy as he began to sing lullabies to him in his beautiful singing voice. His tummy instantly felt better from Appa's magic touch and his gentle singing made Jay drift off to sleep almost instantly. When he was almost sleep he felt Appa lean down and give him a kiss on his cheek.
It was the best feeling in the world, way better than eating sweets; the feeling of being loved completely.