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No one talks about the silence and the feeling of sudden emptiness it brings. Maybe it's just Niki; maybe it's just that no one else wants to say it. But the silence after a concert, especially the last concert in a tour has a heaviness to it that's hard to describe. Everyone talks about the cheers; the overwhelming joy and happiness that you can feel on stage surrounded by thousands of people cheering for you and chanting your name. It's a feeling of euphoria that Niki doesn't think he'll ever get used to, nor does he want to get used to it. But when the concert is over and you walk away from the fans and go back to your hotel room, alone and hear nothing but silence even though your ears are still roaring from the cheers, it’s overwhelming in a different way.
Niki has always been a person that feels things especially deeply; a lot of people don't know that about him because of his bubbly, goofy outward personality. But when he feels things they can get deep inside him and he won’t tell anyone; he'll keep it inside until he's alone and then the feelings come bursting out from him.
In the car on the way to the hotel everyone's buzzing with energy. They are completely exhausted but everyone's high on adrenaline still, talking about the concert and the fans and Niki is right there along with them joining in. It's not until he gets back to his room, alone, that he feels the post-concert sadness beginning to creep in. It's over; an hour ago he was surrounded by people literally chanting his name and screaming for him. But now he's alone in his hotel room and he doesn't know what to do with himself. Everyone loves him; at least he's able to feel that one stage. But when he's alone eventually doubt begins to creep in.
He's sharing a room with Jake and he's not sure where he went. Niki doesn't know why but he feels oddly abandoned. If Jake was here right now they would be laughing and talking and the silence wouldn't hurt so badly. He knows Jake is probably with Heeseung or Jay, maybe sharing a drink in the bar before coming up to the room as he sometimes does after a show. Niki sits cross legged on the bed and folds his arms; pouting to no one. He hates being underage; he hates being left out. He hates being the littlest.
Except......
Niki wants to be an adult and treated as one; he bemoans his status as maknae, as the minor that needs to be protected. Except when he actually is little.
He never expected to like little space or that he would fall so deeply into it. When Jay revealed initially to the others that he was a little and regressed to the age of a child mentally to help his stress, it made sense to Niki. At first he thought it was kind of weird because he had never heard of age regression but it made sense for Jay. While he projects a mature facade to the world, at home he's softer, more sensitive and immature at times. Besides, seeing him regress and act like a child was adorable when Niki usually doesn't like adorable things, He enjoyed playing with Jay when he was little. Playing with him reminded him of being a child himself and how happy he was when he was playing with his sisters.
That's all it was for a while but then it began to evolve into something else. He'd see Jay being held by the others, told how cute and adorable he was and he started to ache. While Heeseung was Jay's main caregiver it was when he was being cared for by Sunoo that Niki really began to long. He would watch Sunoo swaddle Jay and feed him a bottle or rock him to sleep and his heart felt like it was breaking into pieces. That was his Sunoo; he wanted what Jay had. Logically he knew Sunoo didn't belong to him but he missed the days when they were younger, when he really was still not much more than a kid a bit lost in this new country and he had no qualms about crawling into Sunoo's bed and seeking his comfort in the night. He'd curl up in a ball next to him, scooting back so Sunoo would have to spoon him. He felt so warm, so safe, so loved.....He'd never express in words he needed that but he did.
Niki began to experiment with little space. He'd at first just taken Jay's things and used them. It made him feel calm but it wasn't until he was discovered by Jay and the others found out that little space became a coping mechanism that healed him, giving him that warm, safe feeling he needed. He was shy and still embarrassed about his little space sometimes; even Jay still was at times. How could he not be? He wanted to be a strong, sexy idol so it was a little embarrassing that he felt complete when he regressed to the mental stage of being an infant. He loved the warm, fuzzy feeling he would feel as he began to slip. It was nice to know that he didn't have to do anything or be anything; his hyungs would take care of his every need even down to changing his diapers and while when he was adult this would make him feel guilty when he was regressed he could accept the care without guilt.
As the emptiness of the quiet room began to close in on Niki he could feel his headspace threating to take over.
His throat began to tighten and his eyes began to burn, tears threatening. He was alone and he wanted his hyungs! He shook his head, trying to shake off the feeling. He was not going to slip right now! It had been a long time since he had been little but this wasn't the right time, Everyone was feeling high emotions due to the end of the tour; they didn't need to be burdened with taking care of him. He wasn't the only one who was feeling things right now. Even so, Niki's eyes continued to burn; he wasn't going to cry right now! He angrily swiped at his eyes; he was fine. He was just tired; they had been working a lot and after a tour they were understandably exhausted. Niki threw off his clothes, flicked off the light and fell into bed, the room still empty and entirely too quiet.
…..
Niki woke up some indeterminate amount of time later and instantly knew that something was wrong. Confusion filled his fuzzy feeling brain; all he was aware of in that moment was everything that was wrong. He was cold; his body curled into a ball underneath blankets that didn't feel right on his skin. And it's dark; so dark; Niki's eyes open and seek for light but the one small square of light in the room isn't enough to bring him comfort. Cold, dark, alone.....scared.....Niki's chest filled with something big and when his mouth opens to say something, there isn't anything to say. Words don't come; just a loud wailing scream. Scared.....alone.....not right.....all Niki could think of at that moment is that he wants his Mama.
Jake, who had been sitting on his bed and looking at his phone in the dark to give Niki rest when he came back to the room and realized he was asleep, looked up at the sound of his dongseang crying.
"Niki?" Jake asked, getting up out of bed and walking over to Niki's bed. He put his hand tentatively on Niki's shoulder. "What's wrong?"
Niki couldn't say what was wrong. His tongue didn't work right and all that came out of his mouth was a cry. Tears rolled down his cheeks and his arms felt too heavy to move them away. Mama.....Mama.....he needed his Mama. Where was he?
When Niki didn't answer his question, Jake knew that he had slipped into his little space which was mostly nonverbal. "Oh, you're little right now" Jake said understandingly. "Hold tight, I'll go get Sunoo."
The feeling of fear increased as he watched Jake leave the room. He had flickered on the lights as he passed the light switch and they stung Niki's eyes. He was relieved he wasn't in the dark but his fear overshadowed that; Jake had gone and he was completely alone. Niki's crying increased; by the time Sunoo got there he was full on sobbing, tears and snot covering his face as he choked on his spit.
Niki heard the door open and the sound of voices. He could barely lift his head. He saw Jake and behind him.....
Mama!
Sunoo was dressed in his pajamas, his hair tousled from sleep but all Niki saw was his beautiful Mama who would make everything better.
"He was asleep but then he just started to cry. He must have slipped when he was asleep or before I got back" Jake was explaining though the words were entirely lost on Niki. "He wasn't crying this hard when I left. I must have scared him."
Mama rushed over to him. Through a haze of tears, Niki saw his Mama looking down at him. Mama put his hands on either side of Niki's face and leaned down, making Niki look up at him.
"Hey.....Riki......Riki, baby.....look at me" Sunoo cooed at him in a warm, soothing voice. "Baby, it's okay. Mama is here. You're okay."
Niki looked up at Mama's face. The words were not so easy to understand but the tone was. He wasn't as scared but he was still crying. It was hard to stop. It was like a gush rushing out of him.
"Shhh.....Riki, calm down sweetheart" Mana soothed. His thumbs rubbed his cheeks gently as he made eye contact and smiled at him. He grabbed some tissues out of the box on the nightstand and used them to wipe the tears and snot from his face.
Mama shushed him gently and then began to sing to him. The Japanese of the lullaby was broken and far from perfect; Sunoo stumbled over the words Niki had taught him when he was big one day. But all baby Riki heard was a loving song that connected his little now to the little he'd been in his mother's arms. Safe.....loved.....that's what the broken lullaby said to him.
All the bad and yucky feelings fizzled out and all Niki felt was warmth and happiness. He didn’t need to be scared anymore; Mama was here, Mama was safe, Mama loved him.
“Ah there’s a smile from my little boy” Mama said as he smiled down at him and rubbed his cheek gently. “Everything is alright.”
Niki’s whole body relaxed against the bed. Now that he wasn’t scared his whole body felt heavy and tired and limp. Mama and Jakie were talking and rummaging through a suitcase. Niki babbled contently, wiggling his body against the bed. His hand was next to his face and when turned his head toward it and began to suck on his fingers he felt even more relaxed and calm. He’d almost soothed himself back to sleep when his calm was interrupted by a not good feeling. He’d been warm and comfy but suddenly there was new warmth, too warm, too wet between his legs and spreading across his body. Niki wiggled on the bed but the wetness spread and he couldn’t do anything about it. He burst into tears again, needing Mama to fix it.
“Oh, Riki baby, it’s okay” Mama soothed immediately, rushing over with the diaper, blankie and pacifier he had retrieved from Niki’s suit case where he normally hid them if he needed them while they were traveling. “I didn’t go anywhere! Don’t be scared!”
Mama tried to put his paci in his mouth but Niki was crying too hard to take it. It fell out of his mouth as he continued to wail. He tried to tell Mama he was wet but no words came out.
“Riki, it’s okay” Mama kept assuring him, trying a few more times to put his pacifier in before he gave up as Niki’s wails got louder. Niki wiggled and got caught against the wet sheets, trying to get away. He wanted to be dry and cozy and for Mama hold him!
Eventually Mama could tell he was trying to get out of the blankets. “Are you hot? Here let’s get you out of those blankets,” Mama said, picking up on his distress.
Niki wasn’t hot; as Mama pulled the blankets away he felt a burst cold air against his wet skin which made him feel even worse. He was tired; his cries were getting quieter but only because it was getting harder to keep them going. He wanted to be dry and warm!
As Mama pulled the blankets off, he noticed the problem. “Ah, I see now” he said soothingly. “I didn’t get your diaper quite in time. It’s okay,” Mama patted his leg gently and it was the only part of him that felt good in that moment. “We’ll get you cleaned up and dry. Mama will take care of you.”
It wasn’t always easy to understand words when he was little but Niki always understood the feeling of knowing Mama would take care of him. It made a good kind of warmness spread through him.
Mama went to the bathroom and came back with a warm wet washcloth. It startled him at first when he felt it touch his skin but he quickly came to enjoy it.
It felt good as Mama wiped the mess from his skin first before drying it with a fresh towel. When he was done, Mama gently lifted his butt and slid a diaper underneath him. A moment later he had pulled it up and around him before doing the tapes tightly. Instead of feeling wet and yucky and uncomfortable, now he was wrapped up in warm cotton that gave him a feeling of security. Mama wiped the last of his tears away before trying once more to put his paci in. This time Niki gratefully took it, open mouth searching for it. When the nipple was in his mouth he instantly started sucking gently, the motion automatic and soothing. Mama handed him his blankie, the smooth silky fabric cool against his cheek. He felt so much better but he still longed for Mama’s warmth and secure arms. Niki reached his hands as much up as he could, feeling so weak and tired, whining so Mama was notice he needed him.
“Come here, baby. Let’s get warm and get back to sleep,” Mama said with a smile.
Jakie had left and so after some struggle, Mama managed to get him onto the other bed which was dry. Niki’s body shook, his skin cold as he was only wearing a diaper. He felt better when Mama wrapped a blanket around him.
“Can’t have my baby getting cold” Mama said wrapping him up. Warmth covered Niki and a moment later he was bursting with happiness inside him. Mama was lifting him up.
Soon he was sitting in Mama’s lap and his arms around him. Mama turned him so he was facing him; Mana had taken his shirt off so Niki could lie against his warm, smooth skin. If anything, this made Niki slip even further. It always had this effect. When Sunoo initiated skin to skin contact with Niki it sent him into the youngest of infancy mindset.
Where normally his mind was a whirlwind of thoughts and concerns, like this, regressed to the youngest mindset possible, there was only feelings and sensation. All he was aware of was warmth and love and security; the sensation of fluffy blankets against him, of Mama's arms around him. He was aware of the smooth warmth of Mama's skin, his scent in his nose and the lull of Mama's heartbeat in his ear. The sensations were all good and his mind was filled entirely with a sense of security and safety; he was loved and right now everything was okay. Right now, Mama was his whole world. And all was good in the world.
Niki's eyes were heavy and they stayed closed as he sucked gently on his pacifier. He nuzzled his face against Mama's chest as he rocked him slowly. In no time at all, he had drifted off to a calm, dreamless sleep.
*****
When Niki woke up he was aware he wasn't in his own bed but it took him a few minutes to recall exactly where he was. With the way they sometimes filtered from town to town, even country to country, it wasn't uncommon to forget exactly where he was in the early morning haze. Even more so when he had fallen asleep regressed. Which, he had, Niki quickly realized from the pacifier still in his mouth and the wet diaper between his legs. He felt a blush of embarrassment as he usually did when he was big again and still dressed like a baby; luckily, there was no one there to see it. Sunoo lay behind him, arms wrapped around Niki spooning him but he was asleep and didn't notice. In a flurry, his memories of the night before flooded back into his brain. He recalled the sudden aching loneliness he'd felt and tried to push away after the concert and how that had pushed him into little space where his feelings had tumbled out, quite dramatically. The crying, the uncontrollable sobbing; it wasn't something he could let himself do normally. Normally he would simply bury his feelings or perhaps let himself shed a few tears. But that complete abandonment only came when he was little; it only came when he let go and let himself be cared for.
By Sunoo.....
Niki closed his eyes and nestled closer to Sunoo, his back pressed against Sunoo's chest, his arms more tightly wrapped around Niki. Even though he was big now, being held like this, being with Sunoo made him feel safe; it always had ever since that first night in the dorm he had crawled into Sunoo's bed. It would be entirely too embarrassing to admit that now but he still needs it, even when he wasn’t little.
Normally the embarrassment of being little would inspire him to jump up immediately and shed his diaper and throw away his pacifier. But not this time; pretty soon there would be the wakeup call and they would have to get up and get going and adult responsibilities would be calling. So even though he never pretended to be little when he wasn’t this time he nestled closer to Sunoo, taking in his warmth and security and for a few more minutes let himself be Sunoo’s baby.