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There are moments, as a person is falling asleep where they suddenly startle awake, only for a split second, a second where their consciousness is tested, a second where their brain tricks the body – a second where the line between consciousness and unconsciousness is blurred.
‘Hypnic jerks resemble a "jump" experienced by a person when startled, sometimes accompanied by a falling sensation. Hypnic jerks are associated with a rapid heartbeat, quickened breathing, sweat, and sometimes "a peculiar sensory feeling of 'shock' or 'falling into the void’”.’
She read, her eyes squinting in the dark at her phone and a reliable internet search engine. And this was exactly what Olivia Benson experienced every night that week, and every time she awoke, she was disorientated, reaching for her phone and checking the time and that a sudden ringing wasn’t what had awoken her. And each time she was relieved to get out of bed and find Noah still sound asleep in his room, the apartment secured and safe and nothing (that she had detected so far) out of the ordinary.
But every night as she crawled back under the covers and tried to still her mind, visions of Rafael invaded her thoughts. She had spent so much time pondering their last conversation, replaying every second of each interaction, every miniscule expression on his face was relived and analysed until she would finally fall back into a fitful slumber only to find no reprieve – she was being haunted, awake and dreaming, he was haunting her.
It was pure coincidence, she was certain. She spent the next few weeks imagining him everywhere. She would catch a glance of a man and would think it was him but it wasn’t. She would hear a voice, find her head flicking up enthusiastically, and her heart would sink when she realised it wasn’t him. But she couldn’t admit to herself that she was disappointed, because that would open a whole can of worms that she couldn’t deal with, at least not yet.
She had lost count of the number of times she had lost focus at work and let her mind wander to him. She would forget he didn’t work for the DA’s office anymore and expect to see him walking through the squad room, tie and pocket square combination on point, usually a coffee, or snack, or both in hand as he made himself comfortable in her office. She had never minded that, in fact she had relished it, even started looking forward to it and now he had gone. There was no banter, no snark, no coffees or late-night drinks after a tough case.
***
The first time they came face-to-face was over Skype. His beaming smile, tiny crinkles at the corners of his eyes, and sporting a beard. He wished her a happy birthday and she blushed, and when he promised her dinner she ignored the twitch in her stomach that meant another occasion when they would share a meal, she with a few glasses of cabernet, he some tumblers of scotch as they righted the world and reminisced fondly.
The first in-person conversation came months later, as he returned to the city, still with the beard (she was yet to decide if she liked it), a whirlwind case and too many moments stood opposite him with her heart screaming into the void between them that she was falling and he was the only one who could catch her. Those midnight minutes, it had been his face that was there, asleep and awake, it had been Rafael who had been invading her brain and she tried to ignore it and now she couldn’t any longer, especially with him stood in front of her, looking devilishly handsome, swagger and smirk ever-present – she was spiraling and she wasn’t sure she’d be able to stop herself even if she tried.
That sensation came flooding back, as they met on the street corner after he had left the bar. The softening evening light showed how tired he truly was, the circles under his eyes a little darker now the trial was over. She was adamant she was balancing on a precipice, one flinch, one wrong move and she would tumble down, everything would be spinning, the world upside down and then somehow, she managed to speak.
“Hey, did I miss the post-mortem?”
“No, they’re still inside.” he replied, his eyes avoiding her face for too long less he poured his heart out but he knew he needed to at least try to fix things, to patch up what little was left between them.
But, there was quiet, a void that needed filling and so this time, he chose to step off the cliff.
“Hey, walk with me?”
“Sure.” she replied, now waiting with bated breath at what he was going to say next.
“Are you mad at me about how I handled this case?” he asked, not entirely certain he wanted the answer.
She sighed, of course he was choosing to talk about work, it had always been easier for both of them to keep to that topic, it had become a cocoon they could hide in pretending everything else wasn’t important. “Davis confessed on the stand,” she replied, “What if they had found him guilty of man one?”
“It was never going to happen.” he replied firmly, his confidence still sky-high and bordering on arrogant.
“Because you're so good?” she scoffed, bracing herself to pose her next question and hoping he didn’t hate her for it, “Barba, how much of this was about Davis... and how much of it was about you?
“What do you mean?” he said, an air of nonchalance in his voice even though his stomach was clenched.
“The way that you had to leave. Maybe you weren't defending him, maybe... You were defending yourself.”
There it was. The elephant on the street. What they had refused to acknowledge or discuss since that day he had left her in the cold, conversation still dangling, words still unsaid.
“We can't change the past.” he murmured, and she noted the sparkle in his eyes had suddenly dulled.
She sniffed, tears would do little to help but her voice cracked slightly. “I just miss it. And you. That's all.”
“Me too.” he smiled, a soft smile that was affectionate, his fondness for her unable to hide and she confessed what she had been desperately trying to ignore the last few months.
He couldn’t lie to himself now, he felt the same, “This past year's been all about loss.”
“Well, let's hope that this year's a better one.” she grinned, and he couldn’t help but love her more, her optimism and enthusiasm was infectious, it had infected him, it had changed him and now he felt himself falling under her spell all over again.
“Happy New Year, Liv.” he whispered, stepping closer and taking one hand. He squeezed it lightly and she gripped it back.
“Happy New Year.” she said quietly, her lashes fluttering as she met his eyes.
The world froze. There it was again, the falling feeling – she was on that cliff again. Only this time the fear had been eradicated and so now she wanted to leap.
Her other hand drifted up onto his shoulder, fingers curling over to grip his coat. Rafael’s other hand moved without thought, moving to her waist to tug her closer so their faces were close.
Olivia caressed his face, her thumb grazing over his cheekbones and across his jaw and his head tilted into her touch, craving the warmth of her touch and savouring the tingling feeling moving through his body.
“You want to get a drink with the others?” he asked quietly, his voice slightly husky and the tone made her knees weaken slightly.
“No.” she whispered, her eyes warm and full of something he dared to hope was desire.
He wasn’t sure how long they could stand there on a cold street corner just staring into each other’s eyes, and he could feel himself about to break.
“’Liv.” he murmured, “what’s wrong?”
She shook her head, the corners of her eyes starting to shine and his heart skipped a beat.
“I’m scared.” she replied, her voice so quiet that if they hadn’t been standing so close he never would have heard her.
“Of me?” he asked, trying to keep the disappointment from his tone.
She shook her head and moved her eyes down to his lapel, studiously avoiding his gaze.
“Then what?” he asked, moving his palm to her face and tipping her chin up to force their eyes back together.
“Of everything.” she sighed, and breathed heavily, “you left, Rafael.”
“I know. I know I did, and God, I wish I could take that back, but you understand don’t you? Why I left? Why I had to leave?” his voice pained.
She nodded, blinking heavily. “It hurt me. You hurt me.”
“And I will never forgive myself for that. But I was…so lost, Olivia. I was trapped and I didn’t know how else to escape. I never said really said goodbye to you, I never wanted to say goodbye to you. And then suddenly….” His voice trailed off.
“Then you were standing there telling me how I’d coloured you world.”
He nodded and looked sheepish.
“So what were you going to say? You said ‘and’, and what?”
“And I love you.” he shrugged, his spirit now lighter that finally he could speak the secret words out loud, “that was it. It was that simple. That was the only thing I couldn’t say, because if I had ‘Liv, it would have broken you, to have someone say they love you and then abandon them? I couldn’t do that. You’ve been hurt too many times, I couldn’t do that to you, never to you.”
She sniffed and closed her eyes for a second, her head fuzzy with his words ringing back and forth between her ears. “And now?”
“And now I can say that I’m different. I’m not perfect, I never will be, but I will do everything I can to show you how much you mean to me.” he squeezed her hand and took a deep breath, “these last few days, being back in your life, even if it’s only because of a case, these have been the best days I’ve had in a long time. And that’s because of you. You make me want to be a better man, and now I feel like I can be. Now I finally feel like I’m worthy, and I’m begging you to say something because if you don’t I will walk away and never look back, because I can’t break my heart, or yours.”
She was falling, she had fallen, a long time ago. There was nothing else in the universe, except them.
She smiled and tugged his lapels so his face was millimeters from her, “That’s all I needed to hear, Rafael. That you love me, because then I can say I love you too.”
They both grinned and their foreheads rested together, each breathing quietly, knees weak but souls lighter.
“So if I kiss you now I’m not going to get smacked?” he grinned, and they both laughed, “because if I end up getting a black eye from – mmmph.”
She took the initiative and pressed her lips to his and the world stopped around them. It didn’t matter that there were cabs zooming past or sirens blaring somewhere distant, or the noise of shop doors tingling open and shut, all that mattered in that moment was them.
He was a damn good kisser, she knew that much. The way he teased her mouth, his lips moving with just the right pressure, he tasted of scotch and coffee and the smell of his cologne overwhelmed her nostrils as she breathed in everything about him. His one hand was tangled into her hair, his nails raking her scalp and holding her to him, capturing her and she was a willing captive. She couldn’t stop kissing him, her lips fighting, seeking more of him, she was burning up and she couldn’t pull back, didn’t want to pull back.
But they did, their kiss slowly ended with smaller presses of their mouths, smiles seeping through as their noses nuzzled together.
“Now I definitely have to buy you dinner.” he murmured, kissing her briefly again.
“Counter-offer, Counsellor. Takeaway and a drink at my place?”
He grinned, “Chinese then. And extra spring rolls and I want my own portion of crispy pancakes. You always steal them all.”
“Deal.” she grinned, kissing him once more for good measure.
Their hands entwined as they made their way down the sidewalk, shoulders bumping together lightly.
“Not that I’m not happy this is all happening,” he said quietly, his feet light as if the world was a cloud and he had reached utopia, “I feel like this is a dream but I also feel like I missed something.”
She giggled and rested her head on his shoulder for a second before she spoke, “have you ever heard of hypnic jerks?”
***