Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

02/07/2018
I wish I could remember which attempt is this one. All I know is that before this one was another. And before another one, another one. And another, and another, and another, and another. And as I failed in every single one, I failed again.
Cheng Xiaoshi died again. I’m so mad I haven’t re-read those notes before the accident so at least I could know if I made any progress.
Cheng Xiaoshi died from a bullet from a thief trying to steal our most expensive cameras. He bled to death in my hands, with his last words being “I’m scared of the dark.” He died on the 12th of September, and for God's sake, I haven’t checked the year. I don’t remember the most important detail that could help me end the never-ending time loop I’m stuck in.
All I need is Cheng Xiaoshi to live. All I want is to not have to force myself to remember anymore.

Lu Guang closed the note on his phone as soon as he felt the little movement next to his shoulder.

“What are you doing?” Cheng Xiaoshi put his hands on both of Lu Guangs shoulders, looking at his friend’s phone screen as if it's his own. The Duolingo owl waited patiently for Lu Guang to translate his English sentence. “You should rest, not study.”

“Studying something you like is also a form of a rest.”

The raven-haired boy took a deep breath, observing Lu Guang fingers typing an answer fully correct. He didn’t think he would ever understand how studying languages, no, studying anything would be relaxing, but he accepted it as long as it gives comfort to his friend.

“May I?” He asked, sitting next to Lu Guang's legs lying flat along the sofa. Seeing him giving him a glance and nodding, he carefully lifted his legs and placed them on his laps.

Lu Guang tried to get used to being cared for. He really tried. But aside from understanding his condition, there was a habit and the need for full independence, which he suddenly lost partially. Both thoughts were fighting each other in his head with no winner, ending up making him feel embarrassed every time he had to convince himself that he really needs help.

“ Pathetic ,” Lu Guang thought. “ Carrying all the timelines by myself just to be knocked out by my own legs. ”

It all started after the stab, after all the events forcing him to overexert himself and his fresh wound. When he ended up in hospital again, finally able to get some proper rest after particularly closing the Li Tianchen case, he started to realize his legs felt weird sometimes.

“His spinal cord looks perfectly fine, along with his blood tests and neurological examinations,” the doctor once said to Cheng Xiaoshi and Qiao Ling, being sure Lu Guang was asleep. Instead, he was listening more carefully than the two of them put together. “We would sign him for physiotherapy, but since two of you told me about him being kidnapped and tortured, I also assume that he might struggle with some kind of PTSD and physical treatment wouldn’t do much. We will schedule a psychiatrist appointment as well.”

They all knew their problems weren't something a usual psychiatrist would help with, but somehow, he had got convinced to even give it a chance, just for his friends’ peace of mind. He tried his best to hide the fact that he barely remembered almost all the events after being stabbed, not to mention that he barely remembers anything at all, but somehow, he failed to trick the psychiatrist.

ICD-10-CM F44: Dissociative and conversion disorders.

It was the first time in a while, when he laughed aloud, seeing the diagnosis and medications prescription.

He didn’t care at all, but it took him some time to convince his friends that the diagnosis can’t be fully appropriate, since if he were completely honest, he would end up in a mental hospital with schizophrenia.

But one thing was correct, and it was hard for Lu Guang to admit it. His leg problems really had its source in his head.

And what was the hardest, because of it all the attention focused on him, instead of Cheng Xiaoshi.

He was sure he would be fine. He always was. He has survived countless, at least three in the best-case scenario, deaths of his most loved one. He can’t be sure how old he actually is; he barely remembers the past and can’t be sure about the future. But he is still fine, at least he’s trying his very best to be fine and it works.

The raven-haired boy was the one whose mental health should be put first place. He was the main target of Li Tianchen and Qian Lin. He had to grief his best friend, accused of his murder, almost being kidnapped, had to come out with a plan of rescuing Lu Guang and got shot while protecting him, and it's all in such a short period of time.

He really wished Cheng Xiaoshi would focus on himself instead of him, but he was aware of his feeling of responsibility caused by the obvious fact that all what Lu Guang went through, was for him. The feeling of guilt radiated from him every time he spends afternoon next to Lu Guang's bed, even he was released from the hospital much earlier. When he wrote down every word the physiotherapist said about what to do if Lu Guang lost feeling in his legs again for a while. When Cheng Xiaoshi forced him to switch beds, so he won't have to use a ladder. His sight of his white-haired friend working in the studio as always, "just to check if he's not overworking himself again," ending up with eyes on him, but with mind somewhere else. Those was things Lu Guang managed to remember and those was enough to feel guilty all the time Cheng Xiaoshi feel guilty because of him.

So, he decided to switch practices. Instead of trying to make Cheng Xiaoshi realize that Lu Guang will be fine, he just let his friend take care of him. And that’s how they ended there, with Lu Guang sitting on the sofa and Cheng Xiaoshi moving his legs up and down to improve circulation and stimulate muscles to function.

"Are those getting any better?" The raven-haired boy asked while putting down one of the legs and lifting the other one.

"Quite a bit. I can feel your touch already. Thank you," Lu Guang answered, taking a sip of coffee prepared by his friend. His touch was gentle, barely noticeable through the material of the pants. One hand on his feet, the second one under the calf, so that he could bend and straighten his knee in a smooth movement.

"Can you try to move it as I made it just now?"

With Cheng Xiaoshi's assurance, he managed to slowly bend his knee by himself. The same with the second leg.

The relief written on Cheng Xiaoshi's face and his big smile was something Lu Guang wished he could always remember.

Cheng Xiaoshi looked at him, his eyes softened. Their eyes meet for a few seconds before the door sensor activates itself, informing them of the client's arrival.

"COMING!! I'll be right back, call me if you need anything," Cheng Xiaoshi carefully took his partner's legs from his own laps, gave him a short glance, and took big steps to the studio.

Lu Guang took a deep breath and closed his eyes, left alone again in a room where the only sounds were the conversation between his partner and the client.

"Have you ever experienced memory problems before?" The physiatrist said to Lu Guang after a moment of silence to review the medical records and case report.

He instantly upper his head looking and the older woman in shock, before his body was filled with fear.

"No, why?"

“Please remember me, how long were you held hostage?” While asking the question, she looked directly at his case statement, at such an angle that he couldn't read them.

Fuck.

“I was blindfolded almost all the time, I had no sense of how long it had been.”

“Okay,” she answered, with no expression on her face that could show Lu Guang if he answered the same as while giving the statement to captain Xiao Li. “But you had to change your clothes back then, right?”

“What clothes?”

It took him too many seconds to remember. The physiatrist started to write something in his patient file.

“I know that it might look like PTSD, but you all keep saying that all these events might be traumatic for me, and I have to give myself some time. So, give me the time too to arrange everything in my head before you will draw conclusions. It’s been like, two weeks? Let’s just reschedule this appointment to the time I’ll feel better.”

“It's been a month, Mr. Lu,” She finally looked at him. “Don’t worry, I know what you’re going through.”

You have no idea what I am going through.

The memory of the appointment, this one specific fragment, managed to stay in Lu Guang’s head due to the fear he felt after leaving the office. Are his memory problems so easy to recognise? Does Cheng Xiaoshi know?

He never showed him the medical report because of the paragraph devoted to his memory disorders. It was hidden between pages in a book on the shelves, this one Cheng Xiaoshi would for sure considered boring even without reading it.

The appointment and diagnosis made him more anxious about his struggles with remembrance, not because he was not aware of them. He knew perfectly well. But it was connected to his past he had written down in his phone notebook app too hard, the past he had to remember and hide by all costs.

Lu Guang came back with thoughts to what he read before his friend interrupted him. He already assumed a couple of things about his memory disorder and his previous timeline from the notes he took at the beginning of his actual attempt.

He had memory loss during his previous dives as well. He also used to take notes in his earlier attempt, and they reset as soon as he went back in time. And his long-term memory disappears after about 3-5 days, sometimes he even forgets details from a moment ago and in the opposite direction and remembers random things and details he couldn't find any pattern why they’re stuck in his head.

Lu Guang's head hurt from all the thoughts and trying to remember anything to see if anything has suddenly changed. He signed and tried to move his legs. After a successful try, he slowly put them on the floor and tried to get up. He stood still for a while to gain confidence and a sense of balance, and then slowly went to the studio.

The client just left the moment Lu Guang entered the main hall. Cheng Xiaoshi gave him a glance, at first full of worrying if Lu Guang wouldn't fall any moment, but then, seeing him okay, he smiled again, patting the chair behind the counter to suggest him to sit down.

"A client bring us his old camera, asking if we can clean the lens so he could use it again. If you feel like it, you can do it now," Cheng Xiaoshi showed the camera to his friend. "I’m starving, I think I'll order a take-out. What do you want?"

"Any rice would be nice."

Cheng Xiaoshi laughed, as he already knew the answer.

While Lu Guang started to unscrew the lens, his partner sat at the sofa and started to scroll through the food-delivery app, humming a song quietly.

The doors opened while they worked alone.

"Hello, what can we help you with?" Lu Guang asked the girl who just crossed the entrance. She looked at him for a second and Lu Guang thought, because of her confused face, that she might have entered the wrong building.

He felt Cheng Xiaoshi glance at his face as well. A weird feeling went down his spine.

"Lu Guang, what are you talking about? It's me, Qiao Ling."

Chapter Text

Qiao Ling could tell something was wrong the second she opened the door.

She hated the feeling. The feeling that started shows up after Li Tianxi died in her hands. After she saw things she couldn’t understand and felt things that weren't her own.

The memories which suddenly showed in her head, all the emotions, all the pain of persons Li Tianxi was connected to, moved from the dead body to her mind like a burden that Qiao Ling was chosen to continue.

She tried her best to forget. She just wanted to live her normal life, even the tragedy she had to experience. All she wished for was to forget and move to her normal life with her friends and family.

Somehow, she forgot, or at least she managed to suppress these memories. But one thing stuck in her head, with no intention of going anywhere.

The feeling of feelings belonging to people around her.

She was aware of the source of it, of the part of Li Tianxi powers that moved into her body and mind. Since it wasn't full power, she couldn't control it like Cheng Xiaoshi, Lu Guang and the siblings. She didn't have to use photos for this as well. Sometimes, she just felt what people next to her are struggling with, mentally and physically. It wasn't pain itself, it was just an inexplicable feeling that there was pain somewhere in her body that she didn’t feel, and emotions that she was fully aware of not being hers.

The second she entered the Time Photo Studio, she felt two things.

Lu Guang's confusion and headache. Cheng Xiaoshi's pain under his ribs.

"Hello, what can we help you with?"

Qiao Ling felt that. He hasn't recognised her.

She was stunned for a second. She hasn’t fully focused on the feeling and thought maybe because of his head ache it would take him a second to realize who she is.

Second after second, nothing changed.

"Lu Guang, what are you talking about? It's me, Qiao Ling."

The feeling changed then. Confusion moved into fear.

"Lu Guang, are you okay?" Cheng Xioashi asked, when Lu Guang glanced at him, looking for anything that would help him in defining the situation. "Landlady, perfect timing, I'm ordering food. What do you want?"

"Excuse me for a moment," the second he said that, Lu Guang got up, rushed to the stairs and went to the studio first floor.

Cheng Xiaoshi followed him with his eyes worried.

"Should I go after him?" he asked when the sound of the closing door filled the studio.

"Give him some time. You know he needs it after being hospitalized for so long," she tried to sound as calm as she could, even though she was terribly worried too. "As the psychiatrist said, it was so overwhelming for him he needed time and space to come back to himself."

"But he’s just isolating himself again!" Cheng Xiaoshi stood up, his phone fell from his hand onto the sofa. He hid his face with hands, taking a second to let his emotions out. "I feel like he's hiding something from me. Especially after he ripped his medical report out of my hands so aggressively. I really want to help, but how could I when he doesn't let me?"

"You're hiding things from him too," she spread her arms on the sofa backrest. "Your ribs hurt again".

Cheng Xiaoshi instantly moved his head towards her.

"How do you know?"

I can feel it . "From your body posture."

"It's nothing," he sat back next to her, with phone back in his hand. "You still haven’t told me what I have to order for you."

"Cheng Xiaoshi," Qiao Ling called him by his full name, hoping that he will realize she's serious. "We really should visit a doctor"

"It's really nothing!" His eyes haven't moved from the screen even by an inch. "Besides, I don’t want to give him more stress and problems than he already has."

"If you don’t want him to worry about you," Qiao Ling moved her head close to Cheng Xiaoshi's phone, forcing him to look at her. "Then worry about yourself by yourself. Being sure everything’s fine and checked he won't have anything to worry about".

The raven-haired boy looked in her eyes for a few seconds before he moved his sight on his phone again.

"I'll think about it"

"Finally, maybe you’re not as idiot as you act," she took his phone, with his little “hey!” . "Let me choose something."

The time the like-sibling friends were ordering food, Lu Guang was ripping his hair out in the bedroom.

Who is she?

Why does Cheng Xiaoshi know her?

Why did she look so confused?

Why did I forget her?

His breathing was heavy, overwhelmed by terror. He knelt on the floor, staring at the floor panels, but his mind was still on the girl's face.

He had to remember. He had to remember her, if he wanted to keep his secrets intact.

With a trembling hand he took the phone out of his pocket, entered the code and opened the gallery app. If she's important, there must be a photo of her that could make him remember.

It didn't take him long to find it. Without hesitation, he used his powers.

The three of them were sitting in the park near the studio. The afternoon was quite cold, and while Lu Guang and the girls were wearing warm, winter clothes, Cheng Xiaoshi was wearing only his favorite hoodie and autumn vest, rubbing his hands together to keep them warm.

"You idiot, I’ve told you to wear something warmer. Look at you, freezing alive," Lu Guang rolled his eyes, questioning whether his partner absolutely ever listens to him. He rubbed his thighs, trying to get the muscles to work. They went for an afternoon walk together, sitting on a bench just for a second to take a photo of themselves. The moment they decided to head back, Lu Guang realized his legs went numb again, and unfortunately not because of the cold. "Go back to the studio, you two. I'll be back soon too."

"You must KIDDING me. Leave you on this cold?" Cheng Xiaoshi's voice was shaking a little. "Who is an idiot now?"

"Cheng Xiaoshi," the dark-haired girl faced him. "I'll help Lu Guang. You really should go back."

"I am NOT going anywhere, Qiao Ling." Cheng Xiaoshi was frustrated, and they could see it in his eyes. "If you two think I will leave my friends like that only because I'm cold, you two have lost your mind already. Lu Guang, give me your legs. I'll help you."

The girls signed and looked in Lu Guang's eyes.

His subtle sight made him remember.

Lu Guang was already low to the floor, but now he fell on it with his full weight.

How could he forget?

He almost never forgot such an important detail, and he never forgot a person, especially this important.

Qiao Ling. Their landlady, his friend, Cheng Xiaoshi sister-alike.

He didn't know what to feel. He didn't know what to do. He didn't know anything.

Lu Guang was tired.

He slowly stood up. He was grateful that his legs worked, but that didn't improve the way he felt. And he felt terrible. He felt terrible about himself.

What if I forget Cheng Xiaoshi too?

He sat at the lower bed, which, at Cheng Xiaoshi's insistence, became his. He was tired as hell, and he had no idea, if physically, mentally or both. He just sat on the bed, with knees under his chin. “ Like a child,” he thought, but indeed he was feeling like a small child in a big world right then.

He opened his notebook app.

13/01/2022
I forgot Qiao Ling today.
I feel like my own mind is trying to sabotage me, more than it already used to. I've never forgotten anyone before. Now I don't know if I haven't, or I don’t remember them and that’s why I think so.
I'm terrified I'll forget Cheng Xiaoshi too. How could I protect someone I won't remember?
It's the only thing in life that I'm sure of and that I've never forgotten. What will push me forward if not this?

While he was typing on the screen, someone knocked on the door.

"Lu Guang, may I come in?" Cheng Xiaoshi's soft voice comes from behind the door. The boy's heart stopped for a second.

"Sure, come in."

The door slowly opened, showing a worried face of a raven-haired boy. They looked into each other's eyes for a few seconds, waiting to see who would speak first. Finally, Cheng Xiaoshi broke the silence.

"The food has already arrived. Do you want to eat with us or would you rather I bring it here?"

"That's okay, ill eat with you," Lu Guang got up, saving the note on his phone with one hand and holding the ladder with the other. "I'm sorry. It's just hard for me to get used to new places, and after being out for so long I think I need to adapt here again."

Partially, he told the truth.

"Hey, that's okay!" Cheng Xioashi's smile meet Lu Guang's tired eyes. "It's just like when you moved here at first, right? But now it will be easier, I promise," he placed a hand on his partner's shoulder. "You have all the time you need. And you have me. Together we can get through it."

I have the time. You don't.

"Sure," Lu Guang forced himself to smile back, which made Cheng Xiaoshi's eyes sparkle. "Let's go eat before the food gets cold."

Lu Guang was tired. Really tired. But the fate he condemned himself to timelines ago didn't care about his mental health, and he had to listen to it. So they went back to the studio, where Qiao Ling was sitting, waiting for Cheng Xiaoshi with information about their friend. Instead of information, the friend came down the stairs itself.

"I'm sorry, Qiao Ling," white-haired boy said, sitting on the other end of the sofa. "I have had a hard time lately."

"You have absolutely nothing to worry about, GuangGuang," Qiao Ling sent him a cheerful smile. Her random flash of power had already faded, but she could sense one thing - Lu Guang already remembered her. She decided to think about it later. "Just eat your food."

As she said, they did. They didn't talk much, simply enjoying a meal together. If they talked, the conversation was mainly between Qiao Ling and Cheng Xiaoshi. Lu Guang preferred to stay silent, and that was okay with everyone.

"Oh, by the way, Cheng Xiaoshi," the girl suddenly said, while putting her take-out box on the coffee table. "I've signed the doctor's appointment for tomorrow."

"I've told you I have to think about it!" The raven-haired boy almost choked on his food. "You can't do things like that without my permission!"

"Oopsie, already did."

Lu Guang felt a shiver down his spine, but he didn't say anything at first. Picking at the rice with a chopstick, he asked a question to interrupt their argument.

"Why?" The question was simple, but the fear of the answer weighed heavy on his stomach.

"His ribs hurt again."

Cheng Xiaoshi's scowling face was focused on Qiao Ling in order to make her feel guilty using his sight, but Lu Guang could feel his friend was giving him a short glances.

"Qiao Ling did a good thing. You were also injured, if there are any signs that something might be wrong, you should go get it checked out right away, not get mad."

"You two...!" Cheng Xiaoshi was already out of arguments. "I'm SURE everything will be fine."

Lu Guang knew it would be.

He connected the dots some time ago. The dot between his notes with description about Cheng Xiaoshi death and his random pain under his ribs, which started even before he was shot, with no medical explanation. Including the fact of Lu Guang time travels, it was impossible not to draw one specific conclusion from this.

Lu Guang's jumping between lines connected it's together, and the pain of injury caused Cheng Xiaoshi's death shifted to this one as well.

White-haired boy felt a guilt pooling in his stomach.

"Anyway, the appointment is at ten, so I'll get here to pick you up half an hour before."

"You're not my mom to take me to the doctors, anyway, I'm literally twenty two. I can do it myself."

"I don't believe you." Qiao Ling said.

"Me neither." Lu Guang added.

Still stirring the rice until it was cold, Lu Guang thought about this moment. He thought about all the moments he had forgotten and would forget in the future. Looking at Cheng Xiaoshi's a grimace on his face, searching for the best possible retort to his friends, Lu Guang wished to have this sight in his head forever.

He wished. But any wish wouldn't change his fate.

Chapter Text

Cheng Xiaoshi hated doctors since he was young.

He didn't visit them often, he could count on one hand how many times he had a cold, and on the other hand how many times he had any injuries. He didn't mind being examined by someone, being fully aware of that person's experience. He had no problem talking about his body disorders.

The thing he had a problem with instead was questions about his parents.

As a child under care of someone not related to him, he heard questions about them at least once a week. As a child, who loved their parents from the bottom of his heart, he never pretended that his guardians were them.

These questions eventually died down at school, but every doctor he visited always asked this one specific question. Where are his parents?

That's why Cheng Xiaoshi hated going to them. Even when he became an adult, and his parents were never mentioned during visits, the revulsion remained, ingrained in his mind.

His parents were what he thought about during the MRI, when his doctor examined the well-healed gunshot wound, and during the silence between him and the old man reviewing the results of tests.

"Everything looks perfectly well. I rarely see blood test results without any deviations to be honest. The MRI is also fine. The wound healed properly," he stopped for a second, shifting his gaze to his patient. "How are your breathing problems?"

There was a reason for Cheng Xiaoshi to force Qiao Ling to stay in the waiting room. There were things he didn't want her to hear.

Breathing problems, irregular pain in his left knee and dizziness along with ringing in ears. These were just some of the things he experienced without knowing the cause, and which he told the doctor about only during hospital treatment, when he was alone with him. The problem was simple - even the doctor didn't know the cause.

"I haven't experienced them recently. Same with dizziness. After leaving the hospital, my knee hurt sometimes, but maybe it was because I had been lying in bed for so long," he stopped for a moment to think. "Sometimes my ears ring when I'm stressed"

"What are you stressing about?"

"Lu Guang."

Lu Guang and Cheng Xiaoshi had the same doctor during their hospital treatment, who became their main treating doctor even after they were released. Hearing his second patient's name, he sighed heavily.

"You live together, right? How is he?"

"He's trying to pretend he's okay, but I don't believe him. More mentally than physically."

"There's not much we can do since he refused any form of treatment to help him manage his mental health. If something would happen, remember, his case is so difficult that there will probably be no problem with skipping the queue. But back to the reason for your visit," the doctor pushed his glasses up his nose, looking at the results again. "There's nothing much we can do either. Since all the test results are well, all I can do is prescribe you stronger painkillers and suggest writing down situations in which your disorders are showing up to find a pattern of the reasons."

"There's no need for meditations," Cheng Xiaoshi said the second the old man stopped talking. "I can handle the pain. I just wanted to make sure everything is okay with my wound and if the pain is connected to it."

"I understand," the older one gave him a copy of his medical results. "Goodbye and good luck then."

"Thank you doctor" Cheng Xiaoshi stood up, taking the documents in his hand and saying goodbye before leaving the office.

The moment he entered the waiting room, Qiao Ling was already standing next to him.

"Told you everything's okay," he rolled his eyes, hanging out the documents to his friend. "Let's head back."

"We haven't spent time together for so long," she said, with her eyes still on the blood test results. "What about going for milk tea before?"

Cheng Xiaoshi thought about Lu Guang alone in the studio. But Qiao Ling indeed had a point.

"Sure, why not. But you're the one paying."

As they decided, they did.

The weather was cold, as usual at the beginning of February. The sun was shining on the quiet city, as befits a midweek morning when people were busy working and studying.

Cheng Xiaoshi wasn't a fan of winter, but the cold air hitting his face refreshed him. He lifted his bangs with fingers, letting the wind blow through it.

"We can also go to the store to buy some groceries, you guys can't live on noodles forever," Qiao Ling said, walking next to his friend. "Oh, and I'll text Lu Guang what flavor he wants his milk tea"

"Strawberry flavored with kiwi boba."

The girl smirked, not even surprised.

There was no snow, but the fog hanging low over the city reminded its inhabitants of the season. It was hard for them to find an open milk tea shop, since almost no one would decide to buy a cold drink in such weather.

Waiting for their order on a bench, they talked about everything that comes to their mind. Qiao Ling told him about the clothes she had recently bought, showing him all the photos she found. On some of them Xu Shanshan and Dong Yi appeared in the background. In response, Cheng Xiaoshi listed everything he cooked as proof of them not eating noodles all the time.

Cheng Xiaoshi really enjoyed the moment. He felt like he's back to the times they went to college together, hanging out after classes. Like after their studio just re-opened and they barely had any customers so most of the time they spend on playing games on their phones.

But in all these memories there was always one more specific person involved.

"I can see your mind is somewhere else," Qiao Ling said suddenly, when they grabbed their order and headed to the grocery store. "He will be fine, really"

The raven-haired boy was a little disappointed about how easy he was to read. He didn't answer that.

Of course, he was worried. He was worried as hell every time he had to leave Lu Guang alone in the studio. He didn't understand how he could not worry, having in the back of his mind that his dearest friend was in such a condition because he sacrificed himself for him.

Cheng Xiaoshi felt guilt in the marrow of his bones.

Lu Guang saw this already some time ago and tried to explain to him many times that it was not anyone's fault. They both tried to protect each other. They both ended up injured. Now they care about each other. That's all.

However, none of his explanations changed the fact that Lu Guang was the most harmed one, even though Cheng Xiaoshi was the main target. That's what made him feel sick and caused the need to protect Lu Guang at all costs, even if this time it will be his turn to sacrifice himself.

"I'll give him a call and ask if he wants anything specific," he said as they entered the grocery store. He quickly found Lu Guang's number and called.

One signal. Two. Five. Seven. He called again.

“We're sorry, the number you selected is currently unavail—"

"Don't overthink it, you idiot," Qiao Ling didn't need her borrowed powers to feel the cold that took over his body. "That was you who ordered the studio to be closed while you're gone. He's probably sleeping on the couch like always"

She was worried too. But he knew perfectly well her stress is nothing compared to Cheng Xiaoshi's. And she didn't want to make it worse by agreeing with his worries.

The raven-haired boy took a deep breath.

"Maybe you're right," he said finally. "Let's just finish quickly".

Walking through the aisles, taking their favorite and cheapest food products from the shelves, Cheng Xiaoshi couldn't stop thinking about two things.

"I'm sorry," he said suddenly, after putting a few packages of Lu Guang's favorite dried kiwi snacks in their shopping cart. "I know we were supposed to finally spend some time with just the two of us."

"I never expected you to stop thinking about Lu Guang. I was fully aware of that," Qiao Ling took her sigh from the shelf to look at the boy. "I know how worried you are and how guilty you feel. And I don't expect it to go away any time soon. All I wanted was for you to at least try to focus on something else for a moment to rest.

"Thank you," he answered after a few seconds of thought.

He loved Qiao Ling like a sister and never felt more understood by anyone than her. If he would have to, he would steal a star from the night sky just for her. And knowing that she felt and believed the same gave him courage in his fight against the whole world.

They packed their groceries into reusable shopping bags, paid and headed back to the studio. The fog had already lifted, and the sun was high in the sky. The fresh breeze on Cheng Xiaoshi's face dispelled his negative thoughts a little.

Maybe he was really overthinking things.

It didn't take them long to get to the studio. Opening the door with a key, raven-haired boy felt the stress melt away from him. 

"Lu Guang, we're back!"

There was no response. Cheng Xiaoshi felt lumps in his throat.

He hurriedly put the purchases on the counter, not even caring if anything would spill out. Without even taking off his clothes, he entered the living room.

Indeed, he found Lu Guang here, as Qiao Ling said.

But lying on the floor.

"LU GUANG!" Cheng Xiaoshi screamed, lunging towards his friend. His eyes were closed, the worst thoughts appeared in the kneeling boy's head. The moment he wanted to shake him to check if he's alive, white-haired boy slowly opened his eyes.

"Oh, you're back"

"What do you mean by that, what happened!" Cheng Xiaoshi couldn't control the tone of his voice and only lowered it when he saw his friend wince at the sudden shout.

"It's nothing, my legs just went numb again. It was easier for me to take a nap here, hahaha..."

Lu Guang was laughing. Cheng Xiaoshi felt all the oxygen leaving his lungs.

"You fucking idiot," he almost never swore. "I've told you to call if anything happened!"

"My phone is upstairs."

The raven-haired boy has never been so furious.

Qiao Ling got next to them and helped lift the white-haired boy into a sitting position. He was still amused, which scared his friends the most.

Cheng Xiaoshi wanted to cry.

He grabbed his friend behind his back and under his knees to carry him to the sofa. He then noticed that his hands and clothes were dirty from the floor, as if Lu Guang had tried to move somewhere even his legs were unable to move.

"Qiao Ling, keep an eye on him, I'm going to get his bedding downstairs. If he wants to sleep, go ahead, stupid morherf—"

Cheng Xiaoshi went upstairs with long steps. He grabbed the bedding, but instead of heading back, he was just standing in the middle of the bedroom. Alone for the first time in a while, burdened by what he found upon his return, he felt his own tears on his cheeks. He didn't have the strength to fight it.

He cried with frustration. He cried with rage. He cried at the sight of his friend like this. He cried because he wasn't here with him. He cried because it was his fault.

As sobs took over his entire body, he didn't hear Qiao Ling enter the room.

"Cheng Xiaoshi..."

"It's nothing," he said, even though it was everything. "I'm okay."

He didn't expect the girl to hug him.

"It's okay, you can cry now. Don't keep it inside. We will deal with it as soon as whatever happens to him will be over and he will wake up again."

Hearing these words broke him even more.

Cheng Xiaoshi was a very emotional person, and that was what he disliked most about himself. He hated how his emotions took over him and how he showed them.

This one time, he let all his emotions come out.

Chapter Text

When Lu Guang woke up, he had a headache. 

He grimaced at the feeling, but didn't open his eyes. He was warm and comfortable and he wanted to stay like this forever. everything around him was calm and he wished to become one with this silence, not worrying about anything for just a moment. 

Unfortunately, it didn't take long for his mind to generate its first worry. 

He was too comfortable.

He opened his eyes and the night sky stretched above, separated from him by a glass roof. There were no clouds in the vault, the stars shone with their purest light. He tore his eyes away from them after a few seconds, turning his head to the side. 

He was lying down on the sofa in the studio's living room. For a second he thought he had just taken a nap in his comfort place again, but something felt off. His head was on the pillow and he was covered with his own sheets. 

"Cheng Xiaoshi must have returned to the studio while I was sleeping," he thought, not really understanding why his partner didn't just wake him up and instead bring his sheets downstairs. 

He decided to ask him about it, but he prioritized getting rid of the headache. Still sleepy, he carefully stood up, stretching his shoulders, and walked to the main hall of the studio. 

As he entered the door, he saw his friend standing with his back to him. He carefully placed the cameras in the cabinet, examining each one to see if it needed cleaning. Hearing footsteps, his movements stopped for a second, but he came back to work without even looking at Lu Guang.

A strange shiver ran down the white-haired boy's spine. 

"Instead of dragging the sheets downstairs, you could have woken me up. I would go to the bedroom," he said, opening a cabinet with their small first-aid kit and taking a bottle of painkillers. "What's more important, how was your doctor appointment?"

There was no answer. 

"Cheng Xiaoshi?"

"Lu Guang, I really think you should visit a psychiatrist again."

Lu Guang stopped the glass of water halfway to his face. It took him a while to re-analyse his friend's words. 

"What?"

"Don't pretend like nothing happened," Cheng Xiaoshi finally turned to face him. His eyes looked tired, as if he hadn't rested for days. "Don't even try to tell me that everything is fine after how I found you today."

Lu Guang felt all the heat leave his body along with the air in his lungs. He thought back to his entire morning. He ate breakfast, alone for the first time in a long time, because his partner had to fast before the tests. He drank coffee and took care of the studio paperwork. As he got tired, he decided to come down to read and rest. 

Wait. Something was missing. 

"Cheng Xiaoshi, I really, really don't know what you are talking about."

He could barely read any emotion on his friend's face. It was the first time he had seen him like this. Tired, worried, angry, all of these mixed, with no signs of the cheerfulness he was used to seeing in his eyes. 

"Oh, so you don't remember taking a nap on the floor?"

The glass almost fell out of Lu Guang's hand. He didn't remember anything. Something happened, and he didn't remember any detail that could help him defend himself.

Lu Guang stood there, paralyzed with fear. 

"No. What happened?"

"You should be the one to tell me," Cheng Xiaoshi placed the last camera in the cabinet. "I literally found you lying on the floor, telling me that you were just taking a nap, LAUGHING out loud with pain in your eyes like it was all just some kind of joke to you." 

"I— I don't remember any of that." 

These words barely passed the white-haired man's throat. He tried to hide his stress and fear as much as possible, not knowing what had happened, what to do, what to say, how to react.

"This only strengthens my statement. Lu Guang, you are not okay, and you can't pretend otherwise anymore. You've started isolating yourself from me again, and if you don't want to talk to me about it, I understand and I won't force you to do anything. But even if you're not honest with me, you can't hide the fact that you NEED help to handle all of this."

"It's not like that. I'm not isolating myself from you," Lu Guang took a big breath. He had to improvise, which was what he hated most in the world. "I've never been good at talking about emotions. Especially now, when I'm still overwhelmed by recent events. And my legs make me feel like a burden to you, I don't want to impose anything more on you."

Partially, he told the truth. 

"You had NEVER been a burden for me," Cheng Xiaoshi took two steps towards Lu Guang and put hands on his friend's shoulders. "YOU were the one telling me that we are together in this. Then why do you want to keep fighting alone?"

Lu Guang's sight was focused on his shoes. 

Because this is a fight where if I win, you lose.

"I'm sorry." It was all he was able to say. 

"You shouldn't be," Cheng Xiaoshi lifted Lu Guang's face with his hand to make him look into his eyes. "Just promise me you won't lock yourself up with this." 

I can't. 

"I promise."

“As well as really considering going to the psychiatrist.” 

Lu Guang already lied to him and he really wished he could do it again. But he knew his partner, and he knew there were things he can’t promise. 

“Cheng Xiaoshi, you know it wouldn’t work out.”

“Why? Just give it a chance, I’m sure it—”

“For the same reason we decided to keep our powers a secret from Qiao Ling at the beginning,” Lu Guang interrupted, wanting to end this topic as soon as possible. “We both have supernatural powers, which was the main reason for all the events and will never be understood by ordinary people. We struggle with things people around us would never even think about as possible. How am I supposed to be honest with a psychiatrist and omit such important details at the same time?”

How am I supposed to tell them you died in my arms countless times? How am I supposed to explain how terrified I am of losing you again during every second of my life?

Cheng Xiaoshi wanted to say something, but white-haired boy continued. 

“If I will just skip the details, the advice they will give me will never be specific enough to work. If I will tell the truth, they would probably think I was schizophrenic and put me in a psychiatric hospital for observation to make sure that I had not caused all these events with my psychosis and that I didn’t pose a threat to myself or others. There is no single option that will make any therapy work, unless you want to risk getting rumors of our powers spread far enough that we end up as test rats. Really, there is no point in wasting a psychiatrist's time and our money,” Lu Guang's throat had already dried up as he monologues non-stop so as not to be interrupted by his partner.

“You’re putting yourself the lowest in the hierarchy again. No time or money is wasted when it comes to your health.”

“I’m simply telling the facts. It really doesn't make sense. I understand how you feel, I really do, but I don't want to give you hope that something will work if we know in advance that it won't.”

All the while Lu Guang was talking, all the anger on Cheng Xiaoshi's face slowly turned into helplessness and sadness.

“I know, I’m just… worried. Really worried. Seeing you like this today was so unexpected, I was so angry and so terrified, I am not sure if I will be able to give you enough help and support.”

“Your support is really enough,” Lu Guang was looking in his partner’s eyes to make sure he would be aware of the truth behind these words. “Any psychiatrist wouldn’t help me as much as you being next to me.”

The second Lu Guang said that Cheng Xiaoshi hugged him gently.

"I will give you everything you need. Just like you always said you were here for me, I am here for you. Just... remember this.”

That was the thing the white-haired boy wanted to promise with his whole heart. The remembrance. But he couldn’t.

"I will, thank you," Lu Guang returned the hug as much as his tense muscles allowed. 

"Oh, and there's milk tea for you in the fridge," the raven-haired boy said, moving away from his friend. "The ice has long since melted, but that shouldn't be a problem. Oh, and about the visit..."

And that's how two of them stood behind the bar, lit only by the warm light of street lamps outside the window. Lu Guang, leaning on the counter, slowly drinking his favorite drink, listening to Cheng Xiaoshi talking about his doctor appointment and taking a walk with Qiao Ling. 

To an outsider walking down the street, they looked like trustworthy work partners. Someone who knows their private life would call them best friends. Qiao Ling had always considered them to be soulmates. 

However, any spectator would miss three facts which each tried to hide from the other. 

Lu Guang's muscles were still tense with stress. Cheng Xiaoshi still hasn't regained joy in his eyes. Both of them weren't completely honest with each other. 

———

The sun was already low in the sky, but its gentle rays still swaddled on the plants placed around the room. Lu Guang loved this view, just as he loved the warmth that covered his entire body when he sat on the couch or woke up from a nap. But at that moment he wasn't enjoying the sun, nor was he paying attention to the plants he cared so much about.

His eyes were focused on the blaster with ten white pills. 

Doxepin is a medication belonging to the tricyclic antidepressant, a class of drugs used to treat major depressive disorder, anxiety disorders, chronic hives, and insomnia.

He laughed slightly, reading the description and use of the medicine on the leaflet. He didn't remember much of what the psychiatrist said about these drugs, and the doctor's handwriting was so terrible that he had to ask the pharmacist to read how he should dose them. 

One pill before bedtime at a scheduled time, if there are no changes after two weeks, increase to two. Do not exceed the dose of 50 milligrams without consulting a specialist.

The white-haired boy was sure there would be no need. It’s not like he believed that meds really would help him. He decided to give it a try only for Cheng Xiaoshi’s peace of mind, to show him that he really took his words to heart. 

He broke one foil and took out the pill, then rolled it between his fingers. He has already educated himself on how this substance works and has read the entire list of possible side effects to know what to expect, as if it had any influence on the decision he had already made.

He didn't want to do this, but what he didn't want even more was for his friend to worry about him. Something in his words touched him, and he didn't know what. His worried face and the lack of twinkle in his eye as he talked about what he felt that day. 

For those eyes, Lu Guang would start a war with the entire world and time. And he couldn't bear the thought of the light disappearing because of him.

The white-haired boy sighed, then put it in his mouth and drank some water from a glass to swallow it. 

Chapter Text

Time Photo Studio has never been really popular when it comes to regular photography services. Located in a rarely visited street, as well as their profiles on social media accounts. Most of their clients came through referrals from their regular customers and both of its managers were fully aware of the fact that without their special services, they probably wouldn't be able to pay the rent. 

That's why they were shocked when their post on social media about the official resumption of their activities, posted some time after the actual reopening, received a quite large, positive reception. 

It took them some time to get used to their work routine again, after almost half a year of break in their services, but Lu Guang, as well as Cheng Xiaoshi, honestly enjoyed it. The long rest really served them well, but at the same time they both missed the responsibilities and routine that gave them the feeling that they were really doing something useful in life. So, they eagerly started their job, slowly at first, but quickly picked up the pace again. 

And finally, a client for their special services arrived. 

“Here’s your kiwi snacks, a blanket, coffee will be ready in a second, three bottles of water will be enough?” Cheng Xiaoshi was laying things out on the table, constantly looking around to see if his partner might need anything else. 

Lu Guang was observing him with one eyebrow raised.

“Calm down, I don’t even think if I will open one, let alone drink it all.”

“But you have to stay hydrated!”

“But I don't feel like having to use the restroom for the next few hours.”

They planned their day some time before, in such a way that they still had time to complete the mission. Their first after a break, so they wanted to have some time to prepare, and they made sure they had enough photos in case something went wrong. But still, no matter how carefully they planned everything, neither of them could have predicted that Lu Guang would lose the feeling in his legs again.

“Are you sure you’re ready? We still have some time, we can postpone it until the day your legs will be okay.”

“I usually don't get off the couch during every mission we do anyway, so I don't see it having any impact on our current one. Thank you,” Lu Guang said, taking to his hands a cup of coffee from his friend. He took a sip - it was perfectly sweated, just like he did it himself. 

“But what if something would happen?”

“You are connected to my hearing senses and will hear everything that happens near me. You should worry about yourself, are you sure you’re ready? You haven't dived for a long time.”

“It’s like riding a bike! Even if I stop for months or years, I will always remember how to do it,” Cheng Xiaoshi lifted the white-haired boy's legs and placed them on his lap to sit closer to him. “Oh, I almost forgot!” He hasn't sat for too long before standing up again. He took big steps at the stairs and came back after a few seconds with a half-used blister with Lu Guang’s medicines. He came back to his position at the sofa, hanging out the pills to his friend. “Don't forget to take them at eight.”

Lu Guang didn't really hide the fact of taking those meds. In fact, at the beginning he left them on their desk on purpose, to let Cheng Xiaoshi know, and avoid a conversation about it. They talked about it only once, when the raven-haired boy asked, whether they work and help him. 

It was weird for Lu Guang to admit, but indeed, those meds really made him feel better. He no longer had such difficulty falling asleep, his legs withered less often, as well as he wasn't constantly exhausted and tired. Not completely, of course, it doesn't help him in his memory disorders like he hoped, but to such an extent that he could say that he actually felt well sometimes, for the first time since he remembered. 

He focused more on his well-being, failing to notice the positive changes in his actions, which Cheng Xiaoshi saw, and which made him feel like the happiest person in the world. 

Lu Guang falling asleep first and being able to talk in the morning as he finally had some good sleep. Joking back for some of his jokes instead of calling him childish as usual. Lu Guang even smiled sometimes, probably not even realizing it, but the gentle upside-down smile was melting Cheng Xiaoshi's heart every time. 

Even if only one person was taking medications, it's just like it cured them both. 

"We will start in fifteen minutes, exactly at seven. The closest photo we have was taken three hours before our possibility to get the data."

"Maybe we'll even be able to order food if we finish at ten."

"Take this as an encouragement to listen carefully to what I say and finish with just one photo so restaurants will not be closed yet."

Their mission was simple — spying the password to the computer of their client's husband. Lu Guang carefully checked every photo they got and found the one where Cheng Xiaoshi wouldn't be too stressed and didn't have much to possibly change. The best and safest photo included the end of the woman’s work, doing groceries, eating dinner and watching a movie with her husband on his laptop. Lu Guang saw him turning it on, but his power was not enough to spy the password, so he still had to send Cheng Xiaoshi there. 

He looked at the person he just thought about. The raven-haired boy was taking care of Lu Guang’s leg, doing their usual exercises. Left hand on his feet, right under his knee, move it up, down, then bend the knee, five times in a row, then change the leg. He was repeating the pattern for the third time already and Lu Guang really wished he could feel his touch right now. 

He didn’t realize he was staring at his partner until their eyes met. 

"Does it really not bother you?" Cheng Xiaoshi said suddenly, putting both of Lu Guang's legs on his laps.

"What do you mean?" This question caught the white-haired boy completely off guard and made him stressed, even though he had nothing to fear.

"Your legs," his partner poked one of his knees. "You were never the kind of person who would let yourself be taken care of. Even in the hospital, you wanted to help the nurses clean your own wound. And now, even if you can't walk and are somehow dependent on me, you never complain. I don't know if it's because it doesn't really bother you, or you just don't want to hurt me, neither, or both. We know each other so well and I still can't guess what you feel and think."

Lu Guang thought they were already talking about it, during long afternoons spent in a hospital room. He didn't remember them, but he had written down most of the serious topics they talked about and answers, so that he could refer to them in the future if needed. Of course, he didn't remember the list. But this question sounded so genuine, he had grounds to say that they did not discuss this one. 

"Of course it bothers me," white-haired boy answered. "But it's not like I've lost my walking abilities forever. Sometimes it just makes our daily functioning more difficult, but apart from a slight change in routine, we live normally.'

"Don't refer to US, please" Cheng Xiaoshi looked him exactly in the eyes, with seriousness in his voice. "This time I want you to say how YOU feel about it." 

Lu Guang wished to know. If he would be honest, his legs are at the bottom of the list of things that bothers him. How could it, if at the same time the person who said it is already dead, and he doesn't remember a single thing that could help him to avoid it? 

"It's hard sometimes," he finally said after a second. "But it was definitely harder at the beginning, to get used to being cared for. But I don't mind it as long as it's you."

"Is there anything I can do to help you more? Would it be easier for you if we, for example, would get a wheelchair so you won't be stuck on the sofa every time?"

Lu Guang was stunned hearing this question, his face must have said enough, because Cheng Xiaoshi realized how stupid this sounded and looked away. 

"Why are you asking, all of a sudden?" White-haired boy asked instead, starting to get stressed if he doesn't remember something important from the last few days.

"I just... You haven't had your episodes for a long time. I thought the meds had made you so much better that you wouldn't have them anymore. When you fell again today, I began to fear that you wouldn't take it well on your own." 

"Using a wheelchair would make me feel even worse. That's okay, I didn't expect I wouldn't have them anymore. Get prepared, five minutes left." 

"Yes sir!" Cheng Xiaoshi didn't seem convinced by his friend's answer but decided to finish the conversation later. He took a blanket from the sofa backrest and put it on Lu Guang's legs, which made the one carried to raise his eyebrows.

"It's not cold."

"Just let me do it."

A younger one just signed, but let his partner spread the blanket evenly before he sat back again. 

"First, you have twelve hours."

"Oh, here we go again..."

"Second, follow my lead and change nothing," Lu Guang smirked, seeing the expected reaction, and held out his hand to high-five. "Third, past or future—"

"Let them be," Cheng Xiaoshi finished and clapped his partner's hand, as the clock showed eight. 

He disappeared. Lu Guang's legs fell flat on the bed, losing their previous support, and he felt a familiar connection in his head. He took a photo in his hand, and their mission started. 

The ambient sounds attacked Cheng Xiaoshi so suddenly that it took him a moment to realize where he was and what was happening. 

The beginning and end of a dive were always the worst for him, because of getting used to his body and surroundings. His vision and sensations changed so suddenly and drastically, making him overwhelmed every time, but there was no time and place for getting used to his new self — he jumped into the role straight away, without any prior preparation for it. 

'You don't have to rush this time, there's no one around. Get used to the body first.'

Hearing the familiar voice, Cheng Xiaoshi calmed down a little. With his eyes closed, he took a few deep breaths, getting used to clothes touching his new skin, hair on his shoulders and make up on face. As he opened his eyes, he already got familiar with his temporary self. 

He looked around. He was in the office alone, sitting behind the desk, with laptop in front of him and phone in his hands, just after taking a photo he dived in. 

It reminded him about Emma, but he decided to not say a word. 

'Send this photo to her husband with caption "going back to work, love you"''

Cheng Xiaoshi did exactly as he was told to. 

'Good job, a break from business suits you in finally following my words.'

'Oh, shut up’ Despite these words, there was no anger in Cheng Xiaoshi's voice.

It wasn't the break that affected the raven-haired boy's behavior, but what caused it. He remembered the overwhelming fear every time he was sure he's going to lose Lu Guang. The emptiness when the police officer told him about his death. It felt like a part of himself died along with his best friend, the sadness spreading inside him as he realized that he hadn't been just a friend for a long time, but he would never appreciate it again. 

If he had to jump off a building just to never lose him again, he would do it without hesitation. So, listening to his instructions was just a warm-up.

'My powers aren't deep enough to know exactly what to write in the report, so you'll have to do it yourself. We will analyze it together if necessary.'

'That's okay, it doesn't seem complicated. Take a rest, I'll tell you if I need help.' 

As he expected, the job wasn't something he wouldn't handle. Half of it was already done by the owner of the body, so he just had to summarize the data. 

'Hey, Lu Guang.'

'Yes?'

'Its eight, take your meds.'

He said it the second the clock showed the exact time, and he heard, along with a sigh, that Lu Guang noticed how he was keeping track of the time. Cheng Xiaoshi heard the creak of the blister and two sips of water from a glass. 

'Focus on work instead of nonsense.'

'Those are not nonsense.'

Another sigh at the other side of their connection, as they came back to work. 

It was an extraordinarily calm mission. Finishing work went smoothly, as well as buying a few things in the store. They chatted a little in the meanwhile, as Cheng Xiaoshi was telling Lu Guang what to write down on their shopping list. 

Time to time, the diving one was asking his partner how he's doing. He couldn't hear his thoughts, along with seeing what he was doing, and the constant silence on the other side of their connection was making him more stressed than calmed. 

The answer was always the same, 'I'm fine', but these words haven't matched with a strange feeling, as if their connection was weakening sometimes.

'You know I can always leave if you need anything?' Cheng Xiaoshi said, because worry would not give him focus. He knew that Lu Guang was aware of this, but for his own peace of mind, he had to remind him of it. 

'I know. But I don't need anything right now. I need you to go to the third aisle and take 3.2 percent milk.'

The raven-haired spirit stopped talking after that.

They haven't talked a lot during paying and on the way to the subway, as well as taking a walk home. All of these activities weren't something that could change the important notes, so they decided to stay silent and prepare for the main part of their mission. 

'Her husband is in the kitchen. You will take off your shoes and join him. A little chit-chat during dinner, you will go to the bedroom, choose a movie together. I will tell you what to answer, and the second you will spy the password I’ll write it down. Then you will leave. Are we all set?'

'Yeah, I'm ready' Cheng Xiaoshi opened the front door with his keys and entered the house. 

Following Lu Guang's instructions, he took off his shoes and entered the kitchen. He tried his best to not focus on the room arrangement that will only make his derealization worse after coming back to the present. Instead, he moved towards the tall man standing in front of the stove.

"Welcome back, my lady," the man said, putting a gentle kiss on his wife's forehead. The one being in control of her body tried really hard to not freak out at the physical contact. 

"It's a blessing to get back from work for a proper dinner" he repeated Lu Guang's words in his head. "Do you need help with anything?"

"Not really, the pasta is just to be done. Will be ready in a second" he turned off the induction hob, grabbing the pot and carrying it over the sink to pour out the excess water. "It's the first time we have to spend time together, what about watching a movie after?"

"Sounds great."

Cheng Xiaoshi took out the dishes from the cabinets that Lu Guang had pointed out to him. As they were eating, they talked about their days at work, even though he hadn't actually experienced it at all. 

'Things go smoothly, you can already order food so we won't have to wait until i'll come back.'

'I won't be able to pick up the delivery.'

'Oh right, I'm sorry' Cheng Xiaoshi felt the shame in his borrowed stomach that he didn't think about his friend's physical state before asking. 'Are your legs getting any better?'

'Not really. But that's okay, we will have time after you get back.' Lu Guang sounded tired, so his partner decided to just agree. 

As they ate, they moved to the bedroom. As they sat on the bed, their client's husband opened the laptop. 

'Okay, get prepared,' he said, looking at the man's fingers tapping on the keyboard. 'Two six, T W A, zero nine. It's unlocked. Have you written it down? It's two six T W...'

He stopped, as he heard a heavy breathing on the other side of their connection. 

'Lu Guang?'

Something heavily felt on the floor. 

Cheng Xiaoshi clapped his hands with no hesitation, in the middle of the husband's talk he wasn't focused on. The rest was in the body owner's hands, his job was done, and there were more important things for him even than the possibility of changing the past. 

In a blink of an eye, he found himself in the sunroom of their studio. His head was spinning and he felt like he's going to throw up, but all of that didn't matter once he saw his friend on the floor, tangled in a blanket, but without a living soul around, which was what he feared the most. 

“Hey hey hey, I'm here, calm down, what happened?” he ignored all of the post-dive symptoms and kneeled next to the white-haired boy, who was trying to get himself up. He held out his hands to help him, but stopped when he met his eyes. 

A pure anxiety on his face and terror in the eyes as he looked at his partner, trying to catch a breath. 

“Cheng Xiaoshi,” Lu Guang finally started, and a shiver ran through the called m

an's body, hearing his name in a shaky voice he had never heard before. “Why can't I feel my legs?”

Chapter Text

Going back to the present, Cheng Xiaoshi thought he was prepared for everything. He was ready to fight anyone who got into the studio and to help Lu Guang if he suddenly felt worse. And when none of his predictions came true and he should be glad about it, deep in his heart he wanted to prepare for the situation he faced.

Because the question he heard and the fear he saw was nothing he could even imagine to happen, and nothing he could know how to react. 

He tried his absolute best to not show disorientation on his face Lu Guang was staring at. 

"Lu Guang, what are you talking about? It's okay, it's going to get back to normal as always soon. You're the one telling me it's nothing to bother you, remember?"

"What do you mean" Lu Guang held Cheng Xiaoshi's hoodie tightly "as always? What's going on?"

Raven-haired boy begged the universe for it to turn into a joke, however, none of the higher powers could change the fact that Lu Guang was not the type to make jokes about these things, nor was he a good enough actor to fake it so well. 

"Let's settle you on the sofa first, you will catch a cold from sitting at the bare floor" he said, taking Lu Guang in the bridal carry and putting him back on the sofa, in a way he would maintain balance despite lack of feeling in the thighs and possibly in the hips. He put the blanket aside, knowing the warmth is now what his partner needs right now, letting along the fact he had absolutely no idea what he would need right now. 

He sat next to him, putting his hand on the others, to make sure he would feel it.

"I'm going to tell you what's going on, but you have to cooperate with me, okay? We have to calm you down, try to synchronize your breathing with mine. Slowly, breath in—"

Those were methods he learned after a few Lu Guang's panic attacks, which did not happen often, but became more severe after returning from the hospital. The first thing to take care of was the white-haired boy's breath. He was hyperventilating, trying to calm down on his own which only made things worse. 

It took him a little longer than usual to adjust it but at least it gave Cheng Xiaoshi some time to think.  

“How is it? Are you feeling any better?” He said, seeing that Lu Guang starts to breathe on his own. 

“A little” the second said, with a still shaky voice, holding his t-shirt tightly at his chest like someone is going to steal his air away. 

Cheng Xiaoshi waited a few seconds before asking another question. 

“Tell me what you know about the situation we are in now. What were we doing before?”

The second step was making Lu Guang sure that he's safe, but he barely believed anyone different than himself in any issue, so he had to realize it by himself. 

"You were diving" the younger started after a few seconds. "And i wanted to grab my phone from the coffee table but i couldn't move from the sofa."

"And you failed, trying to move?" His partner said, to show Lu Guang that he knows what he's talking about and understands him. 

"Yes." 

"Okay, we are on the right track. I'm with you right now, no one is here except us, and I'm going to do everything to keep you safe. There's nothing to hurt you, right?"

"Then why can't I move?"

'Shit', though Cheng Xiaoshi, still trying to find any connection between things that could make Lu Guang forget about his leg disorder. 

Wait, he doesn't remember.

Cheng Xiaoshi was enlightened and he didn't like what he just realized. 

"So," he started slowly, just in case he would be mistaken. "You don't remember why you can't feel your legs. Is that the only thing you forgot?"

"I forgot about it?" 

Lu Guang looked at his friend with so much stress and pain in his eyes. Cheng Xiaoshi was not mistaken. 

"It happened a lot of times before. You probably don't remember any of them, but I do, every single one of them and I want you to trust me — it ended every time, sooner or later, but it was never a permanent issue. You're going to be able to walk again soon, and I'm going to stay with you until then, okay? Do you remember the exercise your physiotherapist showed us?”

Lu Guang shaked his head to disagree. 

“Okay then, I will show you what I’ve learned so far. It usually helps, and I’m going to do it as long as you won't start feeling my touch.”

Cheng Xiaoshi changed his position, taking Lu Guang's legs on his laps and started their usual exercise, explaining out loud every move he took, why he's holding it in this place and not the other. Then he started giving a talk about what he learned so far during his own research — which muscles are exactly responsible for walking, random facts about the human body and when he ended up with the topics, he started talking about absolutely anything, just to keep Lu Guang's listening to him. 

The final step was making sure Lu Guang knows he's not alone, and talking to him was the easiest way to do it — he had to listen and it would not only make him try to focus on the words, but also constantly make him remember that Cheng Xiaoshi was with him. 

The white-haired already calmed down, with his hands close to him on his stomach, he looked to the side through the window thinking about something, and his partner would give everything just to know a piece of what he was thinking about.

“Are those getting any better?” He finally asked, taking a break to give his hands a rest. 

“A little, I slightly feel things” Lu Guang sounded tired, really tired. It was nothing surprising, it was already late, he took his meds a while before and his panic attack only exhausted him more. 

“See? I’ve told you. If you're tired, go to sleep and we will talk about it tomorrow. I'm going to stay with you as long as needed, okay?”

Lu Guang only nooded. 

Cheng Xiaoshi helped him to lie down, since he was not sure if he would fully feel his legs and sat next to him and waiting for his friend to fall asleep. 

When the mentioned man’s breathing evened out, the raven-haired took his phone and sended a message. 

‘Qiao Ling, I need you in the studio ASAP. I need you to help me with something.’

“It must be somewhere, I don't believe he put this so deeply if he has nothing to hide from us. It all comes together, I was so stupid that I didn't notice it before…”

“Cheng Xiaoshi, calm down. Your emotions only make things worse.”

Qiao Ling came to the studio as fast as she could, her borrowed powers told her there's really something off. As her foster brother told her, she entered the studio quietly, only glancing at Lu Guang sleeping on the sofa, and went straight to their room, where she found the raven-haired boy surrounded by books and papers. 

“I need to find his medical report from the hospital. He took it from my hands too quickly back then. There MUST be something about his memory problems. And I don't give a fuck if he doesn't want me to read it.”

“Cheng Xiaoshi!” Qiao Ling said a little louder than she should, alarmed by him swearing. “We are going to find it, but you need to take a few deep breaths first. Is that really every file you have in the studio?”

It was already middle of the night when Cheng Xiaoshi and his sister checked every paper in the studio, finding nothing remembering Lu Guang’s medical card. 

“Everything I was able to find. It must be somewhere else, somewhere I couldn't even think of checking”

He rubbed his tired eyes and covered his face with his hands. He was really tired, but if he wanted to talk about it with Lu Guang, he had to prove his theory about memory disorders caused by the same thing as leg disorders — PTSD. 

“What is he doing that I’m not and probably would never try on my own?” He asked after he couldn't find anything in his mind. 

“I don't know, he likes sunbathing, spending time alone, playing basketball with you, sleeping, reading…”

Cheng Xiaoshi suddenly got up from the floor and grabbed his sister by the shoulders. 

“Qiao Ling, you’re an angel. It MUST be somewhere in his books. It’s the only thing I'm not even thinking of touching.”

Before the girl said anything in return, her brother already put the chair next to the shelf and took the first book in order. 

“You can check the second shelf if you want to help me. The report has a few pages, so it would be easy to recognise. You don't have to spend much time on one book.” 

She signed and as he said, she took the second chair and followed his lead. 

Their spend around half an hour, checking every single book, before Cheng Xiaoshi said out loud:

“I found it!”

He got down from the chair, as did Qiao Ling and they both pored over the document, looking for the part from his psychiatrist. 

‘The patient struggles with post-traumatic stress disorder, which turns out to be a result of the dissociative and conversion disorders. Prescribed doxepin and suggested physiotherapy. The patient also shows signs of memory impairment and does not remember most of the events written down in his case statement and has a problem with determining the time spent in hospital, which he denies and tries to hide. Psychotherapy recommended.’

Cheng Xiaoshi had to sit down on the bed after reading it. 

“I knew it, he was constantly hiding something from me.”

Qiao Ling sat next to him. 

“He’s always writing things down, whole lists of what he has to do. I thought it was because of his neurodiversity as he told me before. I should already be alarmed when he looked confused after you appeared in the studio one day. And when we found him on the floor he didn't remember what happened. There were so many signs he had the disorder and I didn’t even think about them.”

“He’s good about hiding his thoughts and emotions. It's not your fault.”

“But why? Why doesn't he trust me? I don't even know if he never trusted me or distanced himself after all these events. I knew he needed some time to feel comfortable living in the studio again, but does he need time to feel comfortable with me too? Have I done something wrong?”

“Cheng Xiaoshi” Qiao Ling looked him exactly in the eyes and put her hand on his shoulder. “It's not your fault, as well as you shouldn't overthink it. You can guess, but you can never be sure that your guess is true. You need to talk to him and I truly believe he realizes now that he can't hide anything now.”

The younger man went silent for a second. 

“I’m going to talk with him tomorrow,” he said after taking a deep breath. “I know it’s going to make him uncomfortable but I’m tired of trying my best to be enough for him to trust only to be lied to again. I need to know if he trusts me at all. A good partnership, no, relationship needs to be both-sided, and I can be sure anymore if this is so.”

Cheng Xiaoshi felt tears in his eyes, but just shaked his head to stop himself from crying. It must be over soon, and he has to do anything to straighten out their relationship in a good way. 

There was no way he could lose him again. 

Chapter Text

Sleeping was Lu Guang's favorite activity, but waking up was the worst part of every day.

Especially this one, when memories from yesterday haunted him immediately. He automatically sat down, in fear analyzing what happened. He was thankful to the universe for remembering them, but at the same time, he had no idea what he was supposed to do now. 

Cheng Xiaoshi knows. 

There was no doubt, it was too obvious. The way he talked to him, how he explained the leg disorders and calmed Lu Guang down was a visible sign that his partner connected the dots he tried to keep them as far apart as possible. 

Lu Guang felt like crying. He was fully aware of how Cheng Xiaoshi had to feel, how much he probably ruined their whole relationship just by keeping things for himself. He blindly hoped that it would never come to light, so now he had to face the worst consequences of his actions. 

He buried his face in his hands, holding his breath for a moment and listening for where his friend was now. A voice came from upstairs. 

He wished to postpone their confrontation, but he was fully aware of the atmosphere which will fill the apartment until they talk about it. The sooner they look through it, the greater the chances of any agreement, although Lu Guang was fully aware that he did not count on forgiveness. 

He carefully put his feet on the floor and stood up. He was scared, no — his heartbeat was too fast for just ‘scared’. But he deserved it, and what was going to happen.

So he went upstairs, to their bedroom.

Cheng Xiaoshi was sitting by the desk in their bedroom, scrolling throughout a website on their computer. He stopped for a second, hearing doors opened, but didn’t move to look at his partner. 

Lu Guang swallowed.

"I'm so sorry."

"You should be." 

There was no anger in the raven-haired boy's voice. Just sadness and disappointment. He went silent again, eyes on the screen, but waiting for the other to speak. 

"I never wanted to lie to you," Lu Guang started again.

"Well, you did. No, actually, you didn't. You have never told me about anything at the first place. Don't you trust me that much?" Cheng Xiaoshi finally turned around in his chair, to look at his friend. He looked tired and hurted.

"I do trust you."

"Then explain it, because I can’t believe it anymore. Why?"

Lu Guang's lies had been building up over many timelines, and even though he wanted, with all his heart, to finally be completely honest with his partner, those lies created his entire existence. So, hurtfully, he had to dodge the truth again. 

Lu Guang hated himself. 

"I don't know. I was scared."

"Scared of what, Lu Guang?" Cheng Xioashi stood up, facing the shorter one, but still keeping his distance. "What made you scared? Is that me, or what, because the longer I discover you're hiding the truth, the more I can't get rid of the feeling that you just don't want to tell me exactly."

"It's not you, it's me," Lu Guang's voice started to shake a little. "I never wanted to be the center of attention and I believed that we all should take care of you, especially after all these events. My legs are already a burden. I've got used to the memory problems, really. It's... just the meds making this worse."

He managed not to lie this time. Cheng Xiaoshi wanted to say something, but Lu Guang stopped him. 

"It really wasn't that bad. I handled it. It’s been with me my whole life, so it wasn’t that hard to live with it alone. But then I started taking those meds and even though I started feeling better mentally and it helped with my legs, the memory went worse. I'm sorry you had to experience me in such a bad state. It was the first time it went that bad."

I'm sorry you had to experience me at all. 

"It's not what you should be sorry about."

"I know. I'm sorry for dodging the truth and not trusting you with it at the first time. It was because I was too scared you would put me higher than yourself. I'm genuinely sorry for what you had to go through because of me being selfish." 

He had tears in his eyes, but crying was the last thing he needed right then. 

"I understand. However, I don't know if I can trust your 'sorry' anymore." 

You shouldn't. 

"I understand. I—"

"But I'd give it a try one more time. If you promise me, it's the last thing you were hiding from me."

Lu Guang wanted to scream, but he deserved such a fate. Holding back his tears and desire to run away, just so he wouldn't have to lie again, he replied:

"I promise.”

Cheng Xiaoshi looked in his eyes for a second, just like he tried to find any traces of a lie. But his heart was filled with so much trust in his partner that he didn't find anything. Instead, he just let out the air he had been holding in his lungs.

"Let's sit, I have questions."

Lu Guang also kept air, but he released them more slowly and calmly, to not reveal his stress, as it wasn't obvious. 

They both sat on the lower bed. 

"Tell me more about it," Cheng Xioashi started. “Be brutally honest if needed.”

The asked one had to think for a second. He closed his eyes to calm down before saying it outloud first time in all of these timelines. 

"My long-term memory disappears after two to five days. I have some memories I keep from the past, as well as sometimes I forget what happened a moment ago. In general, I use to write things to do on my phone, just in case."

Lu Guang showed him a list of basic things to do from the past few days, in a separate app than his time loop notes, just in case. 

"I once saw it, and asked you about it.” Cheng Xiaoshi remembered their first conversation about it. “You said, it's because of your neurodiversity. And I thought it might have gotten worse because of PTSD.” 

"I don't remember it, but if I said so, I lied. These all are three separate things."

The raven-haired boy felt sick in his stomach, hearing how many problems his dear partner had, and how unable he was to help. 

Letting alone the fact that he was hiding all of these cus of him. 

"How long has this been going on?"

"Probably a few years, I can't be sure."

Through his mind went a thought that the thing he misses in this is how old he is, but he gave it a go. 

"Have you ever forgotten a person?"

They both knew this question was a test. 

"I once forgot about Qiao Ling. But I remembered her after using my power in a photo." 

"Speaking of Qiao Ling, she knows already too. She helped me to find this."

Cheng Xiaoshi took Lu Guang's medical report from under his pillow and gave it to the owner.

"We had to find it before I'd confront you, just to make sure. Sorry for looking through your personal belongings."

"I understand. I'm not mad."

Lu Guang was so glad he kept everything in his phone, although he understood what Cheng Xiaoshi was motivated by, also they shared a place for so long there was nothing to be sorry about. 

Cheng Xiaoshi had no idea if he made a good decision by trusting his partner once again. But he couldn't imagine not doing it. How he wouldn't trust someone who he sees as a family, who guided him through all the dives, who he can't imagine his life without? 

Lu Guang's lies had a pattern, as the raven-haired had already seen. All these lies, hiding things and dodging the truth were to protect Cheng Xiaoshi before himself. 

And that's why Cheng Xiaoshi was hurted the most. Because his best friend constantly hurted himself to protect him. 

Meanwhile, Lu Guang never felt more miserable in his whole life.

He felt naked without his biggest secret. He really hoped being honest with his friend would cast a stone from his heart, but instead it started to get heavy on it even more.

But the white-haired was scared the most of Cheng Xioashi, putting all his attention to him, instead of himself. Lu Guang didn't remember anything about his life other than taking care of his partner, what will be his duty if sites will switch? 

“Is there anything more you want to add?” The older one finally broke the silence that allowed them to gather their thoughts. 

“I want to stop taking these meds.” 

Cheng Xiaoshi just wanted to say something when Lu Guang continued. 

“I understand how you see it, but for me, who has both of these problems, that means legs and memory, my legs are less of a burden for me than the memory disorder which I’ve had since childhood. So if I have an occasion to decide, I prefer the conversion disorders.”

“The meds didn't help you only with them, I’ve already realized how it made you more alive.”

“I know. I’ll consider going to a psychiatrist and asking for different meds. But I'm not promising anything.” 

“Okay, I get it,” Cheng Xiaoshi was against the idea of suddenly stopping taking medication, but he tried his best to accept his partner's decision. “Thank you for being honest with me.”

“I never wanted it to turn this way. I never wanted to lie. I'm just… used to carrying all of these by myself. It's hard to change it.” 

“I will try my best to not interrupt, but please, let me help you. Just a little. I can't stand the thought of you carrying all these burners by yourself.”

“I get it.”

They went silent for a second once again. 

“Do you want coffee?” Cheng Xiaoshi asked, as he felt satisfied with how the conversation went and ended. 

“I'd like to."

Since then, a few months have passed.

Studio became filled with colorful sticky notes, giving this place more life and positive energy.

At first, Lu Guang felt uncomfortable, seeing the first notes on the studio cabinet, but then he realized Cheng Xiaoshi hadn't written the notes for him, but himself. “Buy milk”, “Close the studio earlier”, “Ask Qiao Ling about the debt” weren't things they talked about, as far as he remembered.

So, he asked his partner about it, mentioning his memory disorders openly for the first time in his remembered life. He just asked if these notes are something he forgot about, to which Cheng Xiaoshi replied:

“Don't worry, you didn't. All these notes are for me. Even I sometimes forget things.”

It gave Lu Guang a little confidence, so he slowly started following his partner. 

This is how Time Photo Studio became full of regularly switching sticky notes. Yellow for Cheng Xiaoshi, blue for Lu Guang, and green, if one asked the second one to do something. 

Their relationship has reached a higher level, at least on the surface. Cheng Xiaoshi still was afraid of new lies from his partner's side, Lu Guang sometimes felt too uncomfortable talking casually about his disorders. But they both put more trust in each other, which slowly gave positive results. 

Lu Guang hasn't gone to a psychiatrist. After a few days of sleeping problems, losing feeling in legs almost every day and mood swings, it slowly has settled down. Maybe different meds would help, but the white-haired preferred not to check, afraid of experiencing the side effects again. He was okay with how things looked, and he hoped his partner would accept his decision too. 

The Time Photo studio and its owners came back to their daily, needed routine,being satisfied with the state of their relationship and their job.

Until September. 

Chapter Text

Lu Guang could say that it's the first time he felt some stability in his life. 

He was prepared any time he lost feeling in his legs, which stopped bothering him and turned into daily basics, just like annoying clients or hated household chores. His memory disorders also stopped being such a burden, it took him a while but he finally slowly stopped feeling ashamed and embarrassed by asking for reminders of things he forgot or admitting that he doesn’t remember what he was told to. 

All thanks to Cheng Xiaoshi in his support, who was more than delighted with being able to help. He felt important — finally saw positive results of the efforts he put into helping his partner, and seeing him accepting this support made the raven-haired boy feel like his life wasn't so hopeless anymore — with a reason to get up the next day and a best friend back by his side.

But despite them both finally finding some peace and balance in life, nothing would take the burden Lu Guang was carrying on his shoulders all the time. 

The burden of his friend’s destiny. 

The burden of being the only one who would prevent this.

Even when Cheng Xiaoshi and Lu Guang finally got closer to each other, the white-hairded one could never forget his mission. The feeling that he won't be able to fully open up and enjoy life until he would be sure that his partner still has his own life ahead of him, accompanied him every time he felt the other’s touch, heard his voice and saw his face.

That was September, when his friend died the last time, and that was September which had just started in his current timeline.

Lu Guang had no idea whether Cheng Xiaoshi's death had occurred on the same month, or even the same day. All he could be certain of was that the last time his friend had died was on September 12th, without knowing the year.

It was easy to recognise that something was wrong since the beginning of the month, especially by his partner. Lu Guang seems off all the time - constantly stressed, he would shiver at every sudden louder sound, as if something was about to happen, he looked like he hadn't slept for the whole night and he couldn't hide how he was watching Cheng Xiaoshi more closely as he worked.

The older one didn't ask his partner about it. Lu Guang had been acting like that every September for the past 3 years, and since they never really talked about the white-haired boy's past, he assumed it must be some kind of anniversary of something that made a big impact on his partner. 

“Something once happened in September and I'm afraid it might happen again. Please, I don't want to talk about it,” he said once, asked about his attitude a year ago, and Cheng Xiaoshi listened to him, simply focusing on showing his friend that nothing bad was happening and that he was with him all the time.

This is also why he agreed to his request to close the studio, along with all doors and windows for a day and not go anywhere. 

This is how they ended there — in the evening, sitting in the main hall, eating takeout they ordered and chatting about giving their special services one more try. 

Cheng Xiaoshi finished eating first, as usual. He put down his chopsticks and was about to criticize his meal for being too spicy, when the doors suddenly opened and someone aggressively came inside, yelling:

“EVERYONE DON'T MOVE, THIS IS A ROBBERY!”

They didn't close the doors after picking up the food. 

The man in black balaclava closed the doors with his leg and aimed a gun in their direction. 

Lu Guang's soul left his body. 

He had to do something, do something, do something! 

When he started trembling all over his body, Cheng Xiaoshi next to him tried to stay calm and serious, thinking if there was any way for Lu Guang to know about it and try to avoid the situation by closing the studio, but there was no time for asking and doubting his partner if they both were aimed at.

“Lu Guang, take it easy,” he said, as it would calm down his friend, who was at the edge of a panic attack and definitely not just because of the robbery. 

“You, with black hair,” he said and threw the bag on the counter. “Put your cameras here, slow and gentle and don't even try any tricks or I will supplement your friend's iron deficiency under the ribs.”

Cheng Xioashi stood up slowly, raising his hands to the height of his head. He swallowed, glancing at his partner for once and without taking his eyes off the burglar, he entered behind the courter.

Lu Guang wanted to cry. He didn't remember if it happened in the previous timeline, letting alone if this is how Cheng Xiaoshi died. He knew he had it written in his phone, but the thief's finger was still on the trigger, one careless move and he might be the one causing the death. 

Still, he prayed to every God he had ever declared he didn't believe in, begging the universe to be on their side for once. 

All he wished was Cheng Xioashi just packing the cameras without any stupid idea, but all he was able to do was staring at him and hoping that he, somehow, is able to read Lu Guang’s mind and listen to him just once. 

The mentioned one slowly opened the cabinet, looking at the masked man who ordered him to hurry up by moving the gun. He took one camera in his hand, one of the oldest ones, which wasn't working already and stood there only for the display. He looked at it for a few seconds, just like he wasn't thinking if he should put it in the bag, just as if he had any choice. 

Then, everything happened fast. 

Cheng Xiaoshi turned around aggressively, throwing the camera straight into the thief's face. The lens hit perfectly in the eye, causing the man to bend over in half and grab his face with the hand. The boy, impressed by his precision, ran out from behind the bar to overpower the criminal once again.

And suddenly a gunshot rang out.

The world stopped for a few seconds before Cheng Xiaoshi made a quiet “oh,” as he fell to the floor. 

“CHENG XIAOSHI!”

Lu Guang yelled his throat off, turning all his attention away from the thief who had just run out of the studio and screeched away in the car that had been waiting for him all this time.

Blood on his shirt was slowly spreading all over as Lu Guang kneeled next to his friend. 

“Lu Guang, I—” Cheng Xiaoshi started, his face in pain and panic as they made eye contact. 

“Don’t say anything, we’re going to get over it, just breathe slowly and don’t waste your energy talking. I’m calling the ambulance.”

His friend's pulse was reflecting in his hand as he began to press on the wound. He tried his best to stop his hands from trembling as he tried to unlock his phone.

091305. 13th of September 00:05,

Lu Guang remembered.

This is exactly how Cheng Xiaoshi died in the last timeline. 

He started panicking, but there was no time for it. He had to work fast. He called the ambulance and as fast and detailed as he could explained what happened and begged the operator to send the ambulance in no time. 

“Ambulance is on the way. Don’t hang up until they arrive,” the woman said with a calm voice. 

“See?” He turned to the one lying on the floor to check if he’s still with him. “It’s going to be over soon, you’re doing great, just… wait a little longer, I promise you’re going to get over it—”

Cheng Xiaoshi was starting to hear him as if from underwater. He blinked a few times to catch a better picture of his friend, who was pressing the wound in panic, at the same time as effectively and gently as possible so as not to cause more damage. The tears in his eyes, which he didn't even try to get rid of, were even more visible when their eyes met.

The terrible pain and the place where he felt it as well as the pain deluded by shock led him to only one conclusion.

“Lu Guang, I don't think I can make it.”

“Stop talking, don’t even think like that!!!” The white-haired yelled. There were still chances. He could still save him. He couldn't let Cheng Xiaoshi think it was over. He couldn't think like that himself. It wasn't over yet.

Cheng Xiaoshi didn’t listen. He felt weaker and weaker, and if he could say anything more to his friend before losing consciousness, he wanted to.

“Lu Guang,” he said his name once again. “Please, don’t forget me.”

“I won’t have anyone to fucking forget cus you—” he said, angry at his partner, but he haven't been given to finish the sentence as he realised the other slowly started closing his eyes. “No, no NO, CHENG XIAOSHI, STAY WITH ME!!!”

Lu Guang started screaming, hoping the loud voice would keep Cheng Xiaoshi conscious, but it didn’t. He still felt his pulse under his hand as he started pressing the wound harder, but his friend hadn't moved an inch, no matter how loud he would scream. 

“PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!” He screamed as a loud sob escaped his throat.

The emergency call operator on his phone was talking to him, asking what's going on, but when he wanted to reach the phone with his hand, he realized his legs hadn't listened to him at all. 

“PLEASE JUST HURRY UP!!!” his throat hurted as he yelled, for a second taking his attention from his partner. The volume on the phone was so quiet that he couldn't hear what was being said to him, all he could do was shout that the injured man had lost consciousness and beg for the thousandth time to hurry up. 

The ambulance arrived not long after. 

Two rescuers rushed into the room, asking Lu Guang to move, but the white-haired didn't want to. He was hysterical, terrified that if he would move his hand an inch he would let Cheng Xiaoshi’s life fly out along with the blood that was already all over his hands. All he managed to say was that he couldn't move his legs before he started hyperventilating again and begging for help.

One more rescuer entered the room and moved Lu Guang from the body. 

“Sir, why can't you move your legs? Are you injured?”

“It doesn't matter, please, please, save him, I beg you, hurry up, he can't die!!!”

Lu Guang hasn't answered any of the questions other than “that's okay,” “it doesn't matter,” “please help him instead.” They had no time to play in it with a person who mentally was at the edge of going insane out of despair and fear, they just called the second ambulance to take them both. 

He tried to disagree, tried to make them all go with Cheng Xiaosji which was already transferred to a stretcher and in a rush moved into the ambulance and with screeching tires and sirens he drove away to the hospital. 

The one rescuer had to inject Lu Guang with a medicine to calm him down and try to help him control his breaths. The white-haired heart rate was too high and he was breathing too fast he almost felt like passing out, but tried to stay up as hard as possible, he had to know what's with Cheng Xiaoshi, even his terrified mind ignored the fact that there is no way to get to know any information about his state for now. 

Second ambulance appeared, and no matter how Lu Guang tried to disagree, they still took him to the hospital, as he was unable to move and the rescuers still haven't received any information why. 

As the white-haired calmed down enough, he stopped yelling and crying. All he did was beg the universe to help him this one time, no matter what sacrifice he would have to make in return.

Chapter Text

When the ambulance with Lu Guang arrived at the hospital, Cheng Xiaoshi was already operated on. 

The white-haired finally explained his leg disorder to the doctor, which was not without a reprimand that he should have said that right away. Nevertheless, the boy's mental state at that moment and his inability to move on his own meant that they couldn't leave him alone in the studio anyway. They did a quick autopsy to make sure the boy wasn't injured, then they helped him to move on a wheelchair so as not to occupy the bed without a reason and let him call someone to pick him up.

However, Lu Guang didn't take the phone. He gave the doctor Qiao Ling's phone number, which he knew by heart just like Cheng Xiaoshi’s one, which somehow despite his memory disorders never forgot, and all he could do was wait. 

Lu Guang felt like shit. 

He wanted to cry, but he was too tired to do so. He had nothing to focus on other than the road he watched outside the window and his own thoughts, and these were calling him a loser who failed again. 

If they would close the doors. Only if Lu Guang would be more careful. He felt pathetic, thinking about all the time he spent trying to save his best friend, and the time he is going to spend to replay it.

Even though Cheng Xiaoshi’s destiny hasn't fulfilled itself yet, Lu Guang already knew he lost the battle with space and time once again. 

Qiao Ling arrived not long after. She rushed into the hospital department, out of breath, drawing everyone's attention, including Lu Guang's.

They made eye contact, and both of their hearts broke at once.

She approached him, calmer now. She didn't need her borrowed powers to know how Lu Guang felt, with the remnants of his friend's blood still on his hands. His eyes seemed dead, red from crying, and the only thing that could be read on his face was unimaginable pain. 

“They called me at the crime scene as the official owner of the store,” she said, kneeling before him to make him look at her, even his head was lowered. “I know what happened. How are you feeling?”

“Qiao Ling,” Lu Guang said finally, his voice broken and hoarse from screaming and sobbing. “I’m so sorry.”

“There's nothing to be sorry about, GuangGuang,” she got up to hug him as much as a wheelchair would allow. “None of these are your fault no matter what would happen. You did a great job.”

You are wrong , though the white-haired, and he didn't answer out loud. 

Qiao Ling sat at the chair next to Lu Guang’s. 

She tried his best to look as calm as possible, since panic was the last thing her friend needed right now. But in her heart, she was terrified. All her organs trembled in terror at the thought that her beloved brother was undergoing surgery. She had to believe she would get through this, but how could she when the dried blood on Lu Guang's shirt looked so vivid? 

“They called me to pick you up, but I know you well enough to assume you want to stay here until you will be able to see him, am I right?”

Lu Guang just nodded his head barely perceptibly. 

“I will go to the studio and grab something to change into for you,” she said, avoiding the mention of blood on his clothes. “I will take your phone as well and something to eat, since we don’t know how long we will be waiting. Is that okay?”

Quiet “yes” left Lu Guang's dried throat. 

Qiao Ling gently ruffled his hair, wondering for a moment if leaving him here alone was a good idea. But she knew, if she stayed here a little longer, she would start crying in front of him. 

She had to cry, but she didn't want anyone to see her. 

When Qiao Ling came back, she saw Lu Guang moved a little on the wheelchair so he could lean his head against the wall. His eyes were closed, and she had no idea if he was resting, sleeping or just thinking. Her doubts were dispelled when she got close enough for the boy to hear her and open his eyes slightly. 

It took her longer than normal, and they both knew why, though neither spoke in agreement. Qiao Ling also had to cry, on the couch in the studio, which was filled with the smell of blood, with crimson red spilled on the main hall. 

She thought the crying session helped her, but seeing her friend in such a miserable state again and the fact her brother is fighting for his life hit her again.

She felt so helpless. 

“I took a hoodie, I hope it's yours. And a few snacks. You guys really need to change your diet, I found almost nothing nutritious there.”

Lu Guang thought how brave of her it was, assuming they would ever have an occasion to change their diet once again, but he left the comment for himself. He just took the cloth with a quiet “thank you”, and he unlocked the wheels. 

“Do you need any help? With getting into the restroom?”

He took a second to think. His pride and need for self-sufficiency warred with the fact that he actually couldn't use the wheelchair and needed assistance.

“I’d appreciate it,” he said finally.

The embarrassment fulfilled his stomach the second Qiao Ling moved him. He hid his face in hands, praying for his legs to start working as soon as possible. 

“There’s also your phone in the hoodie. I have already cleaned it from… you know. Tell me whenever you’re ready,” she said, closing the door to the men’s bathroom behind him. 

Thanks to Qiao Ling, he was close enough to the doors to lock them. He took a deep breath and looked at the hoodie. It was indeed his, but he already learned that there was no ‘my’ and ‘yours’ if it comes to clothes in the studio.

That's why the hoodie smelled like Cheng Xiaoshi. 

Lu Guang somehow managed to move close to the toilet to throw up. 

“I’d grab some water from the vending machine, take any time you need,” Qiao Ling had to hear it, because he heard her voice muffled through the door. 

It somehow helped with Lu Guang’s heavy stomach, but didn’t with his heavy heart. As he calmed himself down, he found his phone and put it on the already closed closet. He slowly began to undress, avoiding touching any of the bloodstains on his clothes so as not to cause another tragic knot in his stomach. 

He took his t-shirt as well, to make sure there's no remaining of the crimson red liquid on him and even though it was somehow a challenge to do it with the chair’s backrest, he put the hoodie on.

The hoodie smelled like Cheng Xiaoshi. 

The hoodie smelled like home. 

But there was no home without Cheng Xiaoshi. 

Lu Guang put the phone into the pocket and, slowly but efficiently, moved firstly to the wash basin to wash his hands and to the door and unlocked them. Qiao Lin was already waiting for him, with two bottles of water in her hands. 

“Are you feeling better?” she asked as he moved the wheelchair to their previous seats, handing him the bottles so he could get rid of the taste after throwing up, which he accepted with gratitude as he took a few sips. 

The carried man wondered if she meant the question mentally or physically. 

“Slightly,” he lied a little, but that was not a lie that anyone would be mad at him for. “How about you?”

She didn't answer until they came back, thinking about the correct words. 

“Slightly too,” she lied as well.

They both were aware of their lies. 

“You look tired, you should take a nap,” Lu Guang said, looking at her red eyes. Before she was able to say anything, he continued. “I asked the doctors to keep me updated and they know where to find me. I will try to rest too.”

She wanted to protest, but he was right. It was already after midnight, and the surgery might take a lot of time, so it's better to sleep now, even just a little, to face the news at least more consciously than they were now. 

Lu Guang knew he wouldn't sleep, but he wanted his friend to rest. 

“Okay. But wake me up if anything would happen if you wouldn't sleep,” she said, as she tried to find a more comfortable position at this especially uncomfortable chair. 

They became silent without an answer. 

Lu Guang rested his head against the wall, wondering if he should take a nap too, but he knew he wouldn't, no matter how tired he would be. As he heard that Qiao Ling’s breath became more stable and frequent, her friend released the air that he had subconsciously held in his lungs for some time to let her fall asleep 

He took the phone out of his pocket to check the time. 

00:44

Lu Guang sighed and wanted to put the phone back in his pocket, but before the screen became black, he saw something that made him unlock the device once again, just to make sure. 

A notification from his secret notebook app. 

As he read the content under the app name, he felt his stomach twist and the blood drain from his face. 

You have 3 backups. Do you want to restore them? 

… What? 

He stared at the text on the screen for several seconds. His notes from the previous few days were displayed in the background, and the notification itself took up only the center of the screen. The 'YES’ and 'NO’ options were displayed right below the text. 

He didn't quite understand, though his heart was beating fast, faster and faster. Finally he pressed the ‘YES’ button.

In the blink of an eye, the number of notes he took quadrupled. They were sorted into directories, separating them from those that were originally written.

Lu Guang lost his breath as he started to understand. 

He quickly opened the first backup and opened the first note to confirm his theory. 

21/04/2018
Cheng Xiaoshi died yesterday.
It was not yesterday for the world, but for me. Cheng Xiaoshi died on the 12th of September 2022, getting a shot from a thief who wanted to steal our most expensive equipment.
I have dived 13th of September, 2022, 00:05. I feel like I should write it down, just for safety reasons. I have to remember this date. I can't live without Cheng Xiaoshi. I have to save him.

Lu Guang couldn't breathe. He instantly opened the next backup.

04/06/2019
Cheng Xiaoshi died again. 12th of September, 2022, in the morning.
I remembered the date, despite the rest of my memories getting blurred. I wanted to take him as far from the studio as possible, just for a day.
We were in a car. I was driving, while Cheng Xiaoshi was in the passenger seat, playing music. A car hit us from his side. He died in the hospital.
I have dived 13th of September 2022, 00:05. There must be a way.

Lu Guang’s head was spinning as he opened the third one in no time.

01/12/2017
Cheng Xiaoshi died, even though I wasn't in his life.
My happiness doesn't matter compared to his life, so I just made sure I never appeared in it.
I have still observed him. We still were in the same high school. The same university. But separated and alone.
He hanged himself out of this loneliness. On 12th of September 2022. I was passing by when I saw the police cars, an ambulance and Qiao Ling's family crying hysterically.
Out of the separation I almost forgot how Cheng Xiaoshi looks. I can't forget. I can't. I have to save him. I have to do something. I can’t forget, I already forgot almost everything, I can't do the same with him.

There was an end to the backup’s, but he had to make sure. His hands were trembling terribly, as well as his entire body, as he opened the first note from this timeline. 

02/07/2018
I wish I could remember which attempt is this one. All I know is that before this one was another. And before another one, another one. And another, and another, and another, and another. And as I failed in every single one, I failed again.
Cheng Xiaoshi died again. I’m so mad I haven’t re-read those notes before the accident so at least I could know if I made any progress.
Cheng Xiaoshi died from a bullet from a thief trying to steal our most expensive cameras. He bled to death in my hands, with his last words being “I’m scared of the dark.” He died on the 12th of September, and for God's sake, I haven’t checked the year. I don’t remember the most important detail that could help me end the never-ending time loop I’m stuck in.
All I need is Cheng Xiaoshi to live. All I want is to not have to force myself to remember anymore.

The realization hit Lu Guang like a whip as he connected dots he never normally would have connected. 

The backups of the previous notes had been there all the time, patiently waiting for him to reach to the future in his current timeline, to a time when he dived in the previous one, to the second his phone was diving with him and made an emergency save. He just had to wait, so he could read them without bending the time. 

It's the first time he waited longer than 5 minutes past midnight. 

It's the 5th time he failed to save Cheng Xiaoshi. 

Who had always died the same exact day. 

Lu Guang’s head was spinning, he had to take a harder grip on the armrest. His whole world just collapsed into millions of pieces. He couldn’t breathe. He didn't even care that he was 37 years old. The only thing that mattered to him was that he had already failed 5 times.

In all this panic and facing what he was not ready for, one thing was certain for him, even mandatory. He had to read them all.

It took him three hours and countless tears.

The first timeline Cheng Xiaoshi died in was exactly the same as the actual and previous one - it had to be the death he was intended for. Lu Guang, to avoid the death wanted to move as far as possible from the studio that day in the next timeline, but death catched them anyway, taking the raven-haired with him by a car crash. His desperate friend, having no idea how to change his destiny, makes a hurtful decision to not appear in his life at all, in case he was the one bringing death to his partner. It doesn’t change anything. Cheng Xiaoshi killed himself on the same day as he was destined to die in every timeline. And his previous one, when Lu Guang’s memory went so bad already that he forgot to read the notes and the date itself. 

They were in a relationship in the first timeline, and that's what Lu Guang was hurted the most by. He understood his previous self — resigning from intimacy, because the pain was too much to handle with the knowledge his beloved one being already dead was too much, but he never thought he would forget his own feelings.

Does Cheng Xiaoshi still have them?

It was too painful to even think about. 

He deleted fully every photo he dived in, destroying the world he left behind, to not leave Qiao Ling alone. He already ripped the time four times for his best friend.

Tears streamed down Lu Guang's face as he stared at the last note from a few days ago, as if there was something left to it. As if this story wasn't finished. As if he could still write it, but what is this story if the main character lost a reason to fight?

A person appeared in the empty for the last few hours hall when Lu Guang tried to calm down, and with fear he realized it's a doctor. With a trembling hand he woke up his sleeping friend. 

“We managed to stop the bleeding and transfuse blood, but…” he said as Qiao Ling realized what was going on, then he signed and, causing terror on his listeners, shaked his head in tiredness and resignation. “I wouldn't give it much of a chance. The damage was too big and we transfused a huge amount of blood. For now he will be under constant observation, but you must prepare for the worst.”

Qiao Ling began to shake uncontrollably and, sobbing, clung to Lu Guang, who was unable to move an inch.

“Can we… see him?” he said, as loud as his closed throat let him. 

“Only for a while.”

Hearing this, Qiao Ling got up and stood behind the wheelchair, still crying, but ready to go. 

She had to see him. She had to hear the machines symbolizing his still beating heart. She had to see him breathing. 

Meanwhile, Lu Guang wouldn’t think about anything else than the fact he lost again. Even if Cheng Xiaoshi was still alive - death still kept baring its fangs at him.

The doctor took them to another floor, to the post-op room. 

The whole way Lu Guang was thinking about his next step, and there was only one correct answer. The determination fulfilled his heart as he gripped his phone tighter in his hand.

“Just for a couple of minutes,” the doctor remembered them, as he opened the doors. 

Lu Guang didn't know if there was any way his shattered heart could break even more, but it did just that.

Cheng Xiaoshi was lying on the bed, half covered with a blanket. Many cables were sticking out from under his hospital gown, connected to an equal number of machines monitoring his vital signs. He had an oxygen mask on his face, which was calm, as if he wasn't fighting for his life.

New sobs left Qiao Ling’s throat, as she set Lu Guang’s wheelchair next to a chair she sat at. She carefully took Cheng Xiaoshi's hand, connected to IV by cannula, and patted it gently. 

“You can do it, right? Please, promise me…” she cried, but no promise left her brother’s throat, only gentle, weak breath. 

Lu Guang said no word. He gave his friend time to talk to Cheng Xiaoshi, begging him to wake up, before he asked for a while of privacy. 

She agreed. How couldn’t she? She already realized the red eyes of Lu Guang’s, symbolizing not only lack of sleep, but a long crying session. She felt bad for going to sleep and leaving him alone. She wanted to stay now and give him support, but she knew that he needed a while alone with Cheng Xiaoshi as well. 

As she closed the door, he let another tear run down his cheek.

“I’m sorry, Cheng Xiaoshi,” he started, his throat blocking the words he hoped he would never say. “I have tried my best. And…” he took a pause, preparing himself for these words. “And I’m not going to stop here.”

The decision was already made. 

He unlocked his phone. The photo he carefully chose was taken already after last year's events, at the moment his legs went numb, so his actual condition wouldn’t alarm anyone. 

With the knowledge he currently had, it had to work. He had to find the one thing that caused his death with the butterfly effect, even if it meant sacrificing his own life. 

His life had been dedicated to Cheng Xiaoshi for years anyway.

His life had no meaning without Cheng Xiaoshi. 

He looked once again at his partner’s face, in his head repeating everything he had read, to record it in a new, better world where he still had a chance. He already had the power, passed to him by his partner dying in his hands in the first timeline, but every time he used it, he fooled himself and believed that he would never have to do it again.

“I’m so sorry,” he said genuinely, not being sure if the words were for Cheng Xiaoshi, Qiao Ling, or himself.

He clapped his hands. 

But in all this pain, suffering and determination to save his friend, Lu Guang missed one important detail. 

Cheng Xiaoshi didn’t die on the 12th of September, as he should be. It was the 13th of September, 04:21, and his heart was still beating. 

The second Lu Guang left this world, shouldering the burden of his friend's destiny for one more time, the heart monitor next to Cheng Xiaoshi's hospital bed quickened its rhythm.