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“Are you one of those, uh, y’know what they call ‘em? When someone who’s really smart… like a genius, but they're a little different? Like they don’t know how to talk to people?” The patient questioned.
While treating him, Cristina nearly froze, “Are you asking me if I’m autistic?”
“That’s the word!” The patient cried.
Cristina didn’t respond, so the guy laughed.
“Oh come on… you’ve barely said 3 words all day. Don’t be offended, you’re a tough nut to crack. I like that about you… my daughter’s the same way.”
Cristina wasn’t offended, that’s the thing. All her life, she’d been… different. She thought that maybe it was because her dad died, but now she wasn’t so sure. She… might actually have been autistic this whole time. It was harder to diagnose in females, unless it was very prominent, so, maybe it was a possibility.
Cristina fell down a rabbit hole, so to speak, looking into autism, and comparing it to her own life.
Lack of social cues and/or filter . Cristina was the rambling type, and she voiced what she thought. She didn’t have a filter. None whatsoever. 0 filter. Meredith actually explained that to her one time. She didn’t understand social cues, nor did she have a filter.
Difficulty expressing emotions. She was called a machine. Cristina was a caring person. Mer so it, Izzie saw it, hell even Evil Spawn saw it. Cristina had a good heart, and yet… she was a machine. Emotionless. Statue-like. She still had so many emotions, she just… couldn’t show them for some reason.
Special interest that lasts for prolonged periods of time. Surgery. Specifically cardiothoracic surgery. She knew almost everything there was to know about it. She knew everything, and probably more than most cardiothoracic surgeons.
Difficulty understanding what people are thinking and feeling. She really didn’t . The only person she had a grasp on was Meredith, and that was it. She didn’t understand her own thoughts and feelings, let alone anyone else’s.
Anxiety in social situations. God was that true. Cristina hated socializing. Not because she didn’t like people, she did. But she only liked her people. And don’t get started on crowds, how loud they can be.
Blunt and seemingly rude behavior. Teddy. The introduction of Teddy Altman was one that was shocking. She’d never heard of the cardio goddess, and she was told she was being rude about it.
Difficulty with change . Boy, did Cristina have a lot for those. Going anywhere new was a challenge for her. She planned out her day, and if anything went wrong it freaked her out. She had so many examples.
“What are you reading?” Meredith asked, interrupting Cristina’s thoughts.
Cristina looked up, “Oh, uh, just looking into autism.”
Meredith tilted her head, “Why?”
“Patient asked if I was autistic, and I got thinking, and…”
“...You think you’re autistic,” Meredith finished.
Cristina nodded, “Looking into it… I’m the textbook definition of autistic, Mer. I’ve got it all, I’ve been researching for the past 3 hours. Females are diagnosed nearly 4 times more than males. Especially in adulthood. Studies in females have only been recent, and, Meredith, I am a textbook autistic individual.”
Meredith nodded, showing understanding, “And you’re realizing this because a patient asked you if you were autistic?”
Cristina shrugged, “I never thought about it. Why do you ask?”
Meredith paused for a moment, “You never even considered it? I mean, you went to med school. Part of that was the brain and neurodevelopmental disorders, no? Why didn’t you piece it together then?”
Cristina shrugged, “I have no idea. Maybe because my focus was cardio and not neuro, and I paid attention in those classes, but only to get the A? I don’t know.”
“Cristina, I’m saying I already knew and I thought you did, too,” Meredith said.
To most people, it would have been blunt, but that was exactly what Cristina needed.
Cristina froze, though. Meredith knew, and she didn’t… say anything about it? She knew, and yet there were no questions.
“How come you never asked about it?” Cristina asked.
Meredith sighed, “Again, I thought you knew… I guess I just figured that it would come up… I didn’t wanna seem rude, y’know?”
Cristina nodded, “That’s fair, I guess. But, I wouldn’t have taken it as such. You know that, right?”
“Well, yeah, but, pardon if this is rude, I have a grasp of social cues, and it’s seen as rude to just… ask,” Meredith shrugged, “I know you, and that’s enough for me.”
“I guess you have a point, there,” Cristina replied.
“Do you want to go further and get a diagnosis, or no?” Meredith asked.
“Do you really have to ask that?” Cristina crossed her arms.
Meredith laughed, “I guess I don’t.”
“I’m gonna apply pretty much everywhere, because nobody’s gonna take me, let’s be honest here. I’m a grown ass woman, and very few people are going to assess me.”
“If you need help with anything, let me know. I know you don’t, I just felt the need to offer.”
“I will,” Cristina replied, and sighed.
She sent out applications to be put on a wait-list and it was so annoying and exhausting, but someone had to get back to her, right? Right?
“You can’t be autistic, you’re a woman,” It was the 3rd psychologist that told her that, and frankly, Cristina was getting annoyed.
What was even more annoying, is that all day she’d been carrying a binder filled with all of the research she’d done on autism, and why she was confident she had it, making sure to not leave a single detail out.
And her last stop was Seattle Grace Mercy West, her own hospital. She was wary about applying for a wait list there, but after being rejected by so many other places, she thought it was the best thing she should do.
Plus, they knew her. They all knew Cristina Yang, the machine. They knew her. It was why she was hesitant, but they would definitely diagnose her.
Then, she remembered something from her research. Her appointment wasn’t for another few hours, she had time. She had an idea…
She found Derek. Well. She bumped into him.
“I need an MRI and a head CT,” Cristina told him.
Derek was confused, “Why? Do you think you have cancer or something?”
Cristina took a breath, “I need to see the shape of my brain… I believe myself to be autistic, and I know that the shape of the brains of autistic people are different to non-autistic people. So, I need to see my brain shape… please.”
Derek thought for a moment, processing the information, “Okay. I take it, you want to use it as proof for a screening?”
Cristina nodded, “Nobody has taken me seriously, so I need something to show them.”
“I have a few anonymous head CTs and MRIs of women your age that might help with that comparison,” Derek said.
As Cristina made her way to the machines, she talked with Derek. It wasn’t anything special, just work stuff. Cristina hated small talk, but she hated silence even more.
Cristina remained still during the MRI and CT. She knew that was how it worked.
Derek and Cristina went over the results of the tests.
“Your brain is definitely abnormally shaped, and this will help in your diagnosis,” Derek said, handing Cristina the papers.
“Thank you so much,” Cristina replied, “This means the world.
Derek smiled, “Of course.”
Cristina went up to psych, where the psychologist was waiting to see her, and when she went in, Cristina pulled out all the proof she had, and the psychologist reviewed it, to Cristina’s surprise.
“Based on all of this, I am willing to bet that you are autistic,” The psychologist explained, “But I still want to ask a few questions to be sure.”
Cristina wanted to dance from the excitement, but she knew it wasn’t the time. She knew there was a time and a place.
“Ask away,” Cristina said politely.
The questions proceeded, and Cristina was as honest as she could be for each of them.
“I have all of the information I need,” The psychologist told her, “Dr. Yang, you are autistic.”
“I KNEW IT!” Cristina blurted before she realized it.
The psychologist laughed, but didn’t say anything.
Cristina went about the rest of her day, elated by the diagnosis. She knew she didn’t need it, but it was good to have on paper. She liked it when she was certain about things, and that diagnosis really helped.
Cristina ran and found Meredith.
“Mer I did it I got the diagnosis!” Cristina exclaimed.
“Oh my god, really?” Meredith seemed just as ecstatic, “That’s awesome!”
“3 weeks, Meredith. 3 weeks. I did that in record time, usually it takes so much longer, oh my god, Mer, I did it. I got the diagnosis!” Cristina was freaked.
Meredith relished the moment with Cristina, and it was nice to have that moment with her. They weren’t the Twisted Sisters for nothing. And they liked it that way. Meredith and Cristina, Cristina and Mer. And while the diagnosis belonged to Cristina, the moment was theirs to share. Because that’s what best friends did, was it not?
Cristina only told her closest friends about the diagnosis, nobody else. Only Meredith, Izzie, and Alex. She wanted to tell George, but there was the whole bus thing, and she couldn’t. Obviously Derek knew, but he was part of her diagnosis team, so that was different.
Not even Owen knew. He didn’t need to. And a piece of Cristina just wanted this to be between her and her friends.
Teddy also didn’t know, which was fine. Her mentor didn’t know.
Cristina did, however, decide to tell Webber and Bailey, although neither of them were surprised by the diagnosis, which didn’t surprise Cristina. They were very perceptive people.
It wasn’t until Owen brought up the mention of kids, that Cristina told him she was autistic.
“Meredith and I do not do everything together!” Cristina yelled.
“Twisted Sisters!” Owen demanded.
“Yeah, but we’re best friends, what do you expect?” Cristina argued.
“She has a baby!” Owen screamed.
“Oh my god, that doesn’t mean I have to!” Cristina fought.
“I don’t see why not, you do everything else together!” Owen roared, “It’s like you’re a team.”
“Because she’s my person!” Cristina yelled.
“I SHOULD BE YOUR PERSON!” Owen yelled back.
“YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND ME THE WAY SHE DOES!” Cristina shouted.
“WELL THEN MAKE ME UNDERSTAND!” Owen demanded, “YOU DO EVERYTHING TOGETHER, WHY NOT THIS ONE THING?”
“I REITERATE, WE DO NOT DO EVERYTHING TOGETHER,” Cristina argued, “MEREDITH AND I HAVE OUR DIFFERENCES, AND ONE OF THOSE THINGS IS THAT I DON’T WANT KIDS. IT’S NOT LIKE SHE WENT WITH ME TO GET AN AUTISM DIAGNOSIS TO MATCH MINE!”
The room went quiet, and both parties froze. Cristina was pissed that it came out like that. She was angry that the news did not come of her own accord, time, and free will, and instead she blurted it out, and it wasn’t fair.
And Cristina, while not good at reading facial expressions, could tell that Owen’s opinion on Cristina changed right there.
It wasn’t said, but it was noticed.
Cristina left the house that night, packing her bags and going to a hotel. She told Meredith where she was, but that was it. She had no plans of letting Owen back. Not based on the way he looked at her that night. One of pity and anger and so many other things.
Owen found her though, and he said they needed to talk. Anc Cristina already knew it was about a divorce. She just hoped it wasn’t for the reason she was thinking it was.
“So, divorce. Because I don’t want kids, and you do?” Cristina asked, hoping she was right.
“Well, I was hoping that maybe I’d change your mind on it, but now I know that you… won’t be able to take care of a child,” Owen said.
Cristina didn’t understand social cues, but she wasn’t stupid.
“You’re saying that because I’m autistic, you don’t think I can raise a kid?” Cristina asked, “Also, you can’t just change someone’s mind about kids. I’m not stupid Owen. Consider these paper’s signed.”
Cristina signed the papers, and walked away. She went to Meredith’s house instead of the hotel.
“Cristina? What happened?” Meredith asked.
“Owen’s stupid and I hate him,” Cristina said, “I don’t want kids, you know that, I know that. But that doesn’t mean I can’t raise kids. If anything, he shouldn’t be a father, with his beliefs and whatever.”
“Wait, he said that he doesn’t think you can raise kids?” Meredith demanded.
Cristina nodded, “He’s an idiot.”
“He’s a douche is what he is,” Meredith rolled her eyes.
The 2 went back and forth, calling Owen insults, when Derek came downstairs.
“What are we doing?” Derek asked.
“Calling Owen stupid in fun ways,” Cristina explained, “Oh- oh, Meredith I have his McNickname!”
“I thought the McNicknames were for me and Mark,” Derek said.
“The nice ones, yes. But Owen is McDouchey,” Cristina exclaimed.
Meredith laughed, “Oh my god he is!”
“Why is Owen McDouchey?” Derek asked.
“He thinks that my being autistic means I don’t have the ability to raise kids,” Cristina explained.
“Okay, he is McDouchey,” Derek agreed, “He is officially McDouchey.”
“I’m gonna head back to my hotel,” Cristina decided, “I’ll see you all tomorrow.”
When Cristina moved to Sweden, it was a sudden and unexpected change, but she was damn glad she made it. And then Dr. Ross joined her, and soon Dr. Bello, whom Cristina had never met, but Meredith said had to go for some legal reason with the government. Something about her being deported.
She eventually told the world, but it wasn’t until one of her many awards that she announced it. She had 13 awards, and on her 14th, she announced it.
“So, um, I have a fun little story to share with the world… during my residency, I was diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder. I waited this long because, well because I was scared. I was scared I wouldn’t be taken seriously or be seen as a joke. Well, now, here I am, 14th award, proving all of that wrong. I don’t know why I decided to wait this long, but I did. I know I’m not the first autistic doctor, and in fact I know several others. But I would like it known to future generations of autistic doctors… your success will not be affected by this disorder, and I know that’s how a lot of you think, because if I were diagnosed when I was younger, I know I would have felt the same. I’m not gonna sit here and pull the ‘different ability’ ‘superpower’ bullshit, because we’re adults. Autism is very much a disability, and it will hinder you in many ways, but I promise you, you can become world-renowned, autistic or not. Anyway, thank you for award number 14. Have a great night.”
And to think, Cristina Yang would never have known about the fact that she was autistic had she not been asked that night in her residency if she was autistic.