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Simon misses his boyfriend with his entire being. He misses his hugs and his comforting presence, it feels like he hasn’t properly seen him in years. Maybe he’s being a little dramatic but since the end of the school year and their decision to get back together Wille has been falling over himself to be there for him and the fact that after their three day road trip Simon has only seen him once is killing him. All Simon wants to do is show him how much he loves and appreciates everything he’s been doing.
From the constant checking in on Simon as their family moved, making sure there were no reporters or hate mail sent to their new house. To having a pizza delivered to them when they were moving all their boxes into their new house with a text about how he hopes not having to cook will help them all relax. It all makes Simon fall more and more in love with him, which seemed impossible to fathom and yet… he was bursting at the seams with adoration for him.
He’d wanted so badly to show him how much he appreciated him when Wille had visited their new place a few weeks ago but they’d never had a moment alone. He’d brought the plaid blanket that had always been on the end of his bed at Hillerska, the one they’d laid on by the lake that last night and said that it was “So you have something to keep you warm when I can’t do my job.”
When Simon’s keyboard had been broken during the move and he’d called Wille, upset about having to somehow figure out how he was going to fix it or buy a new one. Wille had listened so carefully and a few days later he’d sent Simon a listing he’d found online of someone selling their grandma’s old piano, one almost identical to the instrument they’d played together in the music room. He asked if Simon would be okay with him buying it for him as his birthday present. The prince had clearly thought this out and, instead of simply buying Simon a brand new piano the way he’s sure he wanted to, he’d researched until he found a reasonably priced second hand one. It surprised Simon almost as much as it surprised Wille when he accepted the gift, with the caveat that it counted as his Christmas and birthday present.
As much as Simon had seen Wille doing so much for him, he’d also seen him pulling away. And he doesn’t understand why.
After all their time together and all the talks they’d had Simon knows Wille inside and out. Or at least he thought he did. Now he’s not so sure.
Because everytime he thought something was wrong Wille brushed it off and changed the topic. It started on the road trip when the Queen had called and Wille had gone off alone to talk to her. He’d told them it was nothing important even though Simon is sure that his eyes hadn’t been so red before he left.
Every time they’d facetimed over the weeks they’d been apart Wille was never in his room or the sitting room they’d had cake in and if he was in one of them he left it the second he answered the call, when Simon asked he’d brushed it off with an excuse about Erik’s room having better wifi.
When they talked about where they were going to go to school the following year he brushed Simon off with a casual my parents and I talked about it, they want me to go to another boarding school but I told them no . And Simon knows that there is no way that didn’t end in an argument, but when he asks how they reacted Wille changed the topic.
Simon asked how he felt being at the palace again and he said it was fine , just fine. Wille being at home and not being stressed is a bit of a stretch, it’s no secret that things with his parents are always tense at best.
But his boyfriend has always talked to him when he needed to, there’s no reason for Simon to push him. Wille has always wanted affection when he was upset, he’s probably waiting to talk until Simon can properly hug him.
At least it’s Simon’s turn to visit him in a few days with plans for them to spend the week together. Wille’s told him all about the different places that he loves in Stockholm and how excited he is to show him around. Simon is mostly excited about the privacy they’ll finally get to have again. When Wille had visited him here the walls were way too thin for them to even consider going farther than a kiss. Fuck knows that Simon missed his boyfriend’s body pressed against him and his lips exploring him, hands wandering to the places he needs him to touch the most.
Their week together is exactly what they need. Wille will tell him about everything that’s been happening and Simon will hold him and comfort him and they’ll make the most of their alone time.
~
Befriending Malin might be the best decision Simon had made in regards to the royal court. Because when he wakes up ridiculously early the day he’s supposed to go into the city and he shoots her a text asking, hypothetically, if he were to take an earlier train in to surprise Wille would she get him into the building? She sends back the eye roll emoji and a message to let her know when his train gets in.
So Simon finds himself back in the room he’d thought he would be more familiar with, except the comforts that Wille usually surrounds himself with are missing.
The stuffed animal frog that Simon had bought him while they were on their road trip was nowhere to be found, which was strange when Wille said he slept with it every night. The string of red lights his boyfriend loved to turn on at night was missing too. Even the frames with all of the pictures of Wille and Erik and the polaroid they’d taken together weren’t in the room. All of the things that Simon knows Wille loves aren’t in his room. Clearly Wille still uses the room, there’s a pile of his clothes on the floor to show for it. So where is everything that matters?
The last time they were in this room together was awful, there was no other way to put it, but the first time they were here had been one of his favorite moments they’d ever shared. Rolling around on the bed, feeling so so loved, even though they both knew it was a less than ideal time for them to be doing it. He plans on recreating that one… just without the interruption.
“You’re here,” Wille’s shocked voice pulls Simon from his thoughts and he turns to beam up at his boyfriend where he stands frozen in the doorway, his hand paused on his tie where he was loosening it.
The curly haired boy gives what he hopes is a flirty shrug, “I took an earlier train in, wanted to surprise you.”
They stare at each other for a second, Simon’s smile slowly slipping away when there’s no reaction from the other boy.
“I- I’ll be right back,” and the prince runs into the bathroom, leaving Simon alone on the bed, confused.
Maybe his stomach was upset or something? Except for the brief second that he’d seen Wille’s face he’d looked upset, panicked. After a few seconds Simon stands and walks closer to the door and as he nears he hears the sound of the lock clicking into place. Wille was still standing close enough to reach the lock and had only used it when he heard Simon come closer. He was literally and metaphorically shutting him out. What happened?
“Wille? Are you okay?” Simon calls through the door.
“I’m fine,” except his voice sounds anything but fine. Wille must turn the sink on shortly after because all other sound is muffled by the running water.
“Can you let me in? Please?”
For a minute Wille doesn’t reply, and when Simon leans closer to the door all he hears is running water, his boyfriend's shallow breathing and the sound of his electric toothbrush. Why was he brushing his teeth?
He’s contemplating knocking until Wille lets him in but before he can raise his hand to hit the wood, the door swings open to reveal a pale, shaky prince “Sorry about that, I just um- something I ate earlier wasn’t sitting right.”
“Did you throw up?” Simon asks, concerned.
Wille hums as he walks across the room to where a t-shirt lies on the floor, he’s quick to rip off his button up and replace it with the soft cotton.
Something’s wrong. Wille has never been like this before. He’s barely looked at Simon and hasn’t even hugged or kissed him yet even though it’s been weeks since they last saw each other. Did he do something to upset him and not notice?
Simon walks over to stand in front of his boyfriend, he tries to reach a hand up to cup his cheek but Wille moves away before he can, taking the button up he’d thrown on the floor seconds earlier and suddenly deciding to hang it up.
Even more confusion builds inside him, and Simon asks, “Is something wrong?”
Wille doesn’t look back at him, “No.”
The top two buttons on the shirt he’d just hung up are missing, as if it had been ripped open. Simon can see it so clearly, he’s witnessed Wille do it a million times, pull the collar away from his throat when he’s nervous because he feels like he can’t breathe. Why couldn’t he breathe? His mind flashes back to the day of their book presentation and how Wille had disappeared. He’d said that he felt sick and panicked. Is that how he felt right now?
Why wasn’t he talking to him about it? He’d always been so open.
It hurts to know that Wille is hiding things from him again, they’d promised to be honest and talk things through. The hurt quickly turns to irritation, this distance isn’t what he’d signed up for when they got back together.
He crosses his arms over his chest, “When did you start hiding things from me?”
Wille shakes his head, “I’m not hiding anything.”
“You’re hiding the fact that you just had a meltdown in the bathroom.”
“I’m sorry,” and Wille’s indifferent mask cracks, his eyes close tightly and his eyebrows knit together.
As quickly as it grew the irritation disappears, leaving Simon only with concern. All he wants to do is reach out and smooth the wrinkle on Wille’s forehead until it goes away forever.
“I’m not upset that you’re upset, I would never be upset by that. I just don’t understand why you’re pretending it didn’t happen? I’m right here, let me comfort you.”
He reaches out to take Wille’s hand in his own but as soon as his fingers tough the other boy’s skin it's ripped away. He stares, shocked at the reaction, Wille had never pulled away from him like that, ever.
“I can’t put everything on you. I need to deal with things by myself,” Wille wraps his arms around his stomach and Simon can see how hard his fingertips are pressing into his sides. He sees tears welling up in his eyes and hears his breathing starting to stutter as his anxiety sets in, it breaks his heart.
“Okay, but it doesn’t mean that you can’t talk to me about it. I love you and if you’re struggling I want to know,” he tries to reach out again. Wille has always needed physical comfort in moments like these and it’s the one thing Simon knows he can always give. Wille steps away, continuing to avoid his touch, and it’s like a dagger to his heart.
“Wille please, talk to me. For the past few weeks you’ve avoided every conversation about how you’re feeling, since when do you do that? I have no idea what’s going on with you anymore.”
Wille shakes his head again, his whole body is vibrating with anxiety as he rubs harsh circles into the center of his chest. Knowing that if Simon reaches out he’ll pull away is killing him.
“Please, just… what’s going on?” Simon begs.
Suddenly there’s a frantic look in Wille’s eyes and his hands are in his hair pulling on the short strands as words explode form his mouth, “Do you want me to tell you that I sleep in Erik's room half the time because when I try to spend the night in this room I can't sleep because all I think of is the night you left and how I cried and had panic attack after panic attack while I laid there?
“Do you want to hear about how my mom has told me I can't make a final decision until I turn 18 and I still have to perform my duties until then? and when I tried to compromise with her she told me I was being difficult?
“I was already a mess when I came in because the meeting I just had with my mom about schooling didn’t go very well. They still want me to go to a boarding school away from them, they don’t fucking want me around. Do you want to hear about how I almost lost it at them again?”
Tears build behind Simon’s eyes as Wille talks and he hates the way the frustration that Wille’s voice had held when he first started faded into defeat the longer he spoke. The knowledge that Wille had been struggling with all those things and probably others without telling him about any of it hurts but his reply is automatic, “Yes, I want to know all of it! We’re partners, we’re supposed to lean on each other.”
“I have to take responsibility for my own problems, I'm not going to drag you into them anymore. I shouldn’t have said all that because you don’t deserve it, I shouldn’t be making this your problem. I’m sorry,” Wille stalks over to his bed and sits on the edge, pulling his knees up to his chest with his arms wrapped around them, his whole body still humming with energy.
As if approaching a scared kitten on a tree branch Simon slowly moves to join him, sitting a foot away from him, careful not to touch him yet. He settles on the mattress and Wille finally looks at him for the first time since he’d come out of the bathroom. His eyes are bloodshot and the bags that Simon had seen over their video calls are darker than he’d thought they were. The look in his eyes is the worst, filled with pain and anxiety and stress. He seems so tired, all Simon wants to do is wrap him in a blanket and hold him until he falls asleep. A pang runs through him as he realizes that Wille must look so tired because he’s not been sleeping well, he’d said he can’t sleep in his room without panicking anymore.
Simon holds his hand out, palm up, towards Wille offering the contact that he knows he usually craves. A relieved smile dons his cheeks when his boyfriend finally reaches out and threads their fingers together, their hands fitting against each other like puzzle pieces.
“You don't need to apologize for telling me things. Communicating is not dragging me into anything, Wille. I just don’t understand what’s going on with you. Why didn’t you tell me any of this before? Have you been dealing with all of this alone? I can see not wanting to talk about it over the phone while we were apart but what about right now? Why did you hide that you were upset?”
Wille takes a deep breath and moves to hold Simon’s hand in both of his own, the way he loves, “I had a panic attack when I saw you waiting for me here because the last time we were in this room together you broke up with me. It’s the same reason I don’t answer your facetimes when I'm here or in the room where I fought with my parents. I can’t take the reminder of it without- I get so scared that you’ll be reminded of it too. And then you’ll remember all the reasons you left me and you- you’ll leave again.”
It’s like the words steal the air from Simon’s lungs, his reply comes only as a whisper, “I’m not going to leave you. Trust me, that’s the last thing I want to do. I love you.”
Wilhelm presses his lips together and starts blinking rapidly, as if trying to get rid of tears. But he doesn’t reply.
Horror fills Simon’s chest and the pieces fall together; Wille was hiding his struggles because he doesn’t trust that Simon will stay with him through them. The muscles in his hand go limp and if it weren’t for Wille’s tight hold on it it would have fallen to the side.
“You don’t trust me?” He can barely keep his voice from breaking, “Why don’t you trust me?”
Wille lets out a long shaky breath, “It wasn’t enough when I did.”
“What?”
The trust Wille had in him had been one of their foundation blocks from the very beginning. Simon was the one person Wille could talk to, he was the one he turned to for comfort and support. Why would that have ever changed? How did Simon not notice it slip away?
“You broke up with me,” Wille says, looking down at their hands for a beat before continuing, his voice shaky, “I know that it wasn’t just because of me, I know it was a lot of things happening at once and all the harassment. I shouldn’t have been putting so much on you, I know that. But I was the final straw. You saw me ripped open and the view was too ugly for you.
“It was just like my mama and my papa, when I let you see me, you left me. I promise that I'm not holding that night against you. I'm just trying to make sure it doesn’t happen again. You said that loving me was hard. I've always been hard to love and I’ve always known that. All I'm trying to do is make it easier. You said that when you saw how things hurt me, it hurt you too. And I can’t hurt you anymore. I don’t want you to hurt anymore.”
Every word drives a stake farther through Simon’s heart, “I don’t want you to hurt either.”
“You’ve already had to give so much to me and because of me. I don’t want to ask for more.”
“You don’t need to ask, I want to be there for you”
“I don’t want to be too much.”
Simon shakes his head and renews his grip on Wille’s fingers, “You’re not too much for me.”
“Except I am. It’s why you left.”
It makes Simon nauseous to know that what he’d done had led them to this point. He’d been naive to believe they would be able to pick things up as if the fall hadn’t broken a part of them. As if Simon leaving him wouldn’t have affected him so deeply after he’d just watched his parents walk away from him.
He knows how much it hurts to love someone so much and not trust them with all of you. He learned that lesson after Wille had denied it was him in the video. It turns out he didn’t know it hurt more when the roles were reversed. The guilt of knowing he was the reason something so central to their relationship, the most precious part of it, was broken is crushing.
“Loving you isn’t hard. I’m sorry I said that. The love I have for you is the easiest, most natural thing I’ve ever felt. It’s like breathing. Loving the world and traditions that surrounded you was hard. That’s the thing that pushed us over the edge, not you.
“I didn’t leave because of you. I wasn’t leaving you, I was leaving the royal court. I never gave up on you, on us.” He should have known that Wille would think this way. Wille has always gotten lost in his mind and focused on the worst parts of a situation.
Wille sniffs and loses his battle with his tears as they escape the corner of his eyes, “But you did . You left me, and even though I understand why, it still hurts. I'm afraid because its only a matter of time until I fuck up again and how can I expect you to stay when I do? I’ve never had anything I didn’t ruin. I’m going to ruin this and you won’t want to deal with me anymore.”
“That’s not true,” Simon reaches his free hand up to wipe away one of the tears on Wille’s cheek, “you don’t ruin things.”
“You don’t have to lie to me,” the prince shakes his head but still leans into Simon’s touch.
“I would never lie to you. It was never your own choice when things got messed up, the crown was always the root of the problem. I know how hard things have been for you because of it, but you’re free from it now.”
A sob breaks through Wille’s chest, “J-Just because I’m not going to be the next king anymore doesn't mean everything is going to go away. The media will always be there, judging us, picking you apart. My family is still who they are and my mother will always try to bring me back to where she wants me to be.
“And I want to change how I am, I don’t want to be so… much anymore. I can’t fix the problems outside, but I can fix me. I was putting too much pressure on you to be there for me and I understand that now and I know that it was the mix of all of those pressures from outside and from me that finally pushed you away.
“You said that everything hurts me. You were right, but I don't know how to feel less. And I'm afraid. I’ve been seeing a therapist but everything still feels so big around me and I don't want you to get lost in this… arcade with me.”
Simon can’t believe that Wille has been keeping this all to himself and pulls his hand away to stand in front of him and push his knees apart so he can stand between them. He looks down at the Prince’s face, streaked with tears, and holds his head in both his hands to caresses his cheeks.
“I know that nothing is going to be perfect or easy right away. But one day you’ll be old news and no one will care about what we’re doing. All I needed was the one day. Before you decided to step down I could see how much it hurt you, and every time I tried to help you I was just helping you do something that led to more pain. I hated to see you struggling and knowing that it might just get worse the more time went on killed me.
“I think it’s a good thing to look for support from people who know what they’re doing and how to really help you. I’m really proud of you for getting help and seeing a therapist.”
He pulls the love of his life close to his chest, Wille’s ear lands in the spot directly above Simon’s heart and he hopes that he can feel the way it’s beating, strong and quick, racing the way his thoughts are as he puts together the words he needs to make sure that Wille knows how much he loves him.
“I love you. I’m not going to leave you,” he brings his hand around to cup the back of Wille’s neck, stroking the skin it finds with his thumb.
Wille shakes his head slightly, “How can I believe that? You broke up with me and less than a month later you were with someone else. It was my birthday and you broke up with me. But you only left after I broke down in front of you, that same morning you had told me we were okay. I’m just trying to be better so it doesn't happen again.”
“That’s not-” Simon trails off, trying to think of a way to explain the way he’d felt in those moments so Wille could understand.
“When I was seeing Marcus I never really liked him, not the way I liked you. All I wanted to do was move on because, even though we had only been together for a short time, I was already so in love with you. But I was so hurt after you denied the video I wished that I wasn’t. I don’t wish that anymore. Loving you is the best thing in my life, sharing time and days with you gives me something to look forward to every morning.
“On your birthday so much had been happening so quickly around me, the media and comments, the rules the court gave me, the hate mail and the rock through our window, the school, our argument. I wasn’t in a good place, I was really stressed. And you were going through so much with your family and the news about Erik, I never fully explained to you how bad I was feeling.
“I was trying so hard to help you but all the help I gave you just pushed you farther into being the prince I knew you didn’t want to be. I was helping you do the things that were hurting you the most and it was so hard to watch. Because you were choosing the monarchy over and over again when I could see how awful it made you feel.
“I felt so hopeless here and I felt so hopeless at home. Everything was so big around me and there was nothing I could do that was going to change it. I couldn’t keep watching you choose the things that hurt you when everything else was hurting me too. It was too much for me. And that’s why I had to leave.
“But you were never too much, my love for you was never the problem. It was everything around us. We have always been good. The time we have together makes me so happy, especially now that you’ve chosen to take care of yourself and decided to step away from the monarchy. I’ve seen how much better you feel, how much freer you seem. You make me feel so loved all the time.”
Wille’s arms wrap themselves around Simon's waist and pull him closer, “What if it happens again? I always fuck things up.”
“You don’t fuck things up and we’ll talk if it ever happens again. I can’t be your savior and before you made your decision I felt like you were trying to make me one. You were leaning on me so much without trying to help yourself at all, but now you’re trying. You chose to abdicate and you’re getting help with your mental health. Those things make the biggest difference.”
The prince sighs and looks up to meet Simon’s eyes, “But that's the thing Simon, even though I'm not going to be king anymore I’m still a mess. I’m still so scared all the time, even when nothing is happening I feel like the world is ending.”
“But you can’t control that, I’m not going to leave you just because you don't have perfect mental health. I love you, problems and all. I’ll spend the rest of my life proving that to you.”
The words seem to stop the world from spinning and there’s wonder and disbelief in the blonde’s voice when he replies, “The rest of your life?”
Simon pulls away a fraction and leans down to rub his nose against Wille’s, “Yeah, the rest of my life. I know we’re still young but every version of my future I imagine has you in it. Through thick and thin, I think we’re meant to be with each other. But that can only work if we do everything we can to make it happen. Part of that is talking things out and trusting that we love and want to be with each other. Do you want me?”
Wille’s eyes fill with familiar adoration and he smiles for the first time since he’d come into the room, nudging Simon’s nose with his in turn, “Yes… Do you want me?”
“I want you now, I wanted you yesterday, and I’ll want you tomorrow. I want you for forever,” Simon says as he brushes a stray hair away from Wille’s forehead and returns the smile.
“I want you forever too.”
“Then you can have me.”
Their last words are whispered against each other’s lips and, bodies in sync, press their lips against the other’s. The kiss is desperate, not for more heat and passion, but for connection and comfort. Simon pours every ounce of love he has into their connected lips and can only hope that Wille feels it. He imagines everything he feels for Wille like a waterfall, the current of his affection as he stands in front of the love of his life, head tilted down guiding the waves to crash over Wille.
He pulls away from the other boy’s lips, just enough to be able to speak, his voice barely audible, afraid to break the spell of peace that’s fallen over them, “You’ve been taking such good care of me these past few weeks even though we were apart. It’s my turn now. What do you need from me? You can have anything, I’m yours.”
Wille steals another short kiss before replying, his voice equally as soft, “Can you just hold me?”
“Of course.”
They rearrange themselves on the bed, Simon laying down and pulling Wille into the circle of his arms so his head lands on Simon’s shoulder and the length of their bodies are pressed against each other. Despite Wille being so much taller and broader than the curly haired boy he fits just right into the curve of Simon’s side.
He presses his cheek to the top of Wille’s head and whispers, “I imagined when I came to visit we would replace the memories in this room with something new.”
Wille chuckles and takes Simon’s hand in his own to play with his fingers, “Was this how you imagined it?”
“No. This is better,” Simon seals his words with a kiss to the crown on Wille’s head.
Within five minutes of laying down together Wille’s muscles turn limp and he curls even farther into Simon’s side and he knows that he’s fallen asleep. He sighs in relief that Wille is resting, he’d seemed so tired.
Maybe it had a rough start and their day didn’t end with the sex he’d originally been planning but this was good. They’d talked, really talked. Simon knew that Wille wasn’t telling him everything and now he knows why. Knowing makes all the difference. He can prove to Wille that he can still trust him. The distance between them might be inevitable when it comes to where they live for now but he won’t let that space be anything except physical.
With his arms wrapped around his now sleeping boyfriend Simon closes his eyes and soaks in the warmth of his body pressed against him. He wants this for as long as Wille will let him have it and he hopes it's a long time.