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Jadzia Dax was at Quark’s having dinner when Bashir asked to join her. Dax was a little reluctant, Bashir was a difficult person to get along with. He was always hitting on her and he had a tendency to be self-centred and arrogant. Still she had only known him for a short time and she believed in giving people a chance. Plus he had asked nicely so he gave him permission to sit with her.
“Is it just me or do people find me….annoying?” Bashir asked her.
“Well…..” Dax said, looking for a nice way to answer him “you do tend to be a bit self-centred, talking about yourself a lot comes across as sort of egotistical”.
“I don’t mean to be egotistical” Bashir said “I don’t know how to get people to like me”. He wished he could tell someone the full story of why he was the way he was. His genetic enhancements made him exceptional, physically and mentally. Maybe that did give him a bit of a sense of superiority. Maybe it also contributed to why he didn’t quite fit in, he didn’t know how to socialize with others who were unlike him. But he could never tell anybody because genetic enhancement was illegal. It could get him and his parents in a lot of trouble.
Dax found Bashir irritating but at the same time, it seemed like on some level he meant well. Perhaps he was capable of learning to be better. Dax had lived a lot of lifetimes and had changed a lot herself. Perhaps Bashir wasn’t a lost cause. Maybe she could share a little wisdom and help him learn to get along with people a little better.
“When you have conversations with people, how do you want them to act?” Dax asked.
“Well I guess I want them to take interest in the things I like to talk about and to remember things about me” Bashir said.
“And have you considered that’s exactly what other people want from you?” Dax asked.
“I guess I haven’t really given much thought to what other people want from a conversation” Bashir said, with a hint of shame.
“When you’re talking to someone, you should try imagining what you would want if you were them” Dax said “other people have just the same needs you do. When O’Brien tells a story about his kids, he wants other to show interest, just like you want others to show interest when you tell a story about yourself”.
“I don’t really know how to show interest in other people” Bashir said.
“Like I said, it might help to imagine how you would want them to show interest in you” Dax said “you mentioned wanting people to remember things about you. Let’s use that as an example. What is something O’Brien has told you about himself recently?”
“He likes to talk about his daughter a lot” Bashir said “he was telling me something about he losing a tooth and being excited for the tooth fairy”.
“I think he’d appreciate that you were interested enough to remember that” Dax said “next time you talk to O’Brien, ask him how things went with Molly and the tooth fairy”.
“I could do that” Bashir said.
“You like to impress people” Dax said “I think it will impress people if you show them how good of a listener you can be. When someone els his talking, give them your full attention, don’t just think about what you want to say. And when they finish, show them you were listening by summarizing what they have said and respond to it, maybe ask them questions or give them compliments, the kind of compliments you’d want to hear”.
“So I should focus on what the other person is saying and draw upon it” Bashir summarized “what other advice do you have to show people I am listening to them?”
“There you go” Dax said, proudly “you’re starting to practice it. Remember to also show empathy for people. If they’re upset, say things like ‘I’m sorry to hear that’ or ‘I imagine that is difficult’ and when they’re happy say things like ‘I’m happy for you’ or ‘that sounds exciting’ and avoid talking for too long. If you find yourself talking for too long, stop yourself and ask them for their thoughts”.
“This is a lot to remember” Bashir said.
“You probably won’t start doing all this overnight but practice makes perfect” Dax said.
“I rarely need to practice anything to get good at it” Bashir said.
“Yet you do need to practice not being a braggart” Dax said sternly.
“I apologize” Bashir said “it seems I do need to practice my social skills”.
“I understand” Dax said “it is good that you recognize you have some weaknesses you need to wok on. I suggest when you talk to people, us the about me+ about you equation. To avoid bragging or being self-absorbed, follow each statement about yourself with a question or statement about their interests”.
“What if their interests bore me?” Asked Bashir.
“Then try to shift the conversation to something you’re both interested in” Dax said “there is usually some common ground between what the other person is talking about and what you’d rather be talking about”.
“This is all really insightful” Bashir said “have you ever considered becoming a counsellor?”
Dax smiled, raised her eyebrows, grabbed her teacup with both hands and sipped her drink, then thanked Bashir for the compliment.