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"Don't count on me to
stay a little longer if you convince me,
and tell me all the things that you have against me."
Dazai has always believed that all that you are is all that you know,
that his firm belief that he wasn't human made it true,
that there was no way Chuuya Nakahara could ever truly care for Dazai Osamu.
Yet here they were, just a month after their reunion in the dungeon, and the week after their reunion as a duo; as Twin Black.
The battle against Lovecraft had taken a lot out of Chuuya,
how long has it been since he's used Corruption?
Since Dazai has held him in his arms, comforted him after post-Corruption?
So, naturally, the ended up how they always did,
with bandages peeled off and gloves long since discarded,
until they were but shadows upon walls, until they were fifteen again.
'Dazai.. we need to talk about this'
'Soon.'
Chuuya made sure Dazai made good on his word,
there was no way in hell he was letting the detective get away with this.
"Damn it, Dazai... are you really too damn blind to see what I've been trying to tell you since we were fucking fifteen?"
Chuuya was suggesting Dazai let his mask slip, suggesting he lay his heart out before the Executive, suggesting a moment of vulnerability. The message was clear: I always go out on a limb for you, just this once, will you listen? Will you stop bullshitting me and grant me with honesty for once in your pathetic fucking life?
Okay, Chuuya wouldn't go as far as to call his life pathetic, not unless he was aiming to hurt Dazai, but he could tell Chuuya was mad. He knew why, Chuuya hated betrayal, hated being left behind,
he probably hated Dazai too.
"Are you... sure you want this?" Hesitance. Dazai Osamu never hesitated... and yet Chuuya found that he tended to have that effect on the ex-mafia member, found that he never was quite sure when it came to Chuuya fucking Nakahara.
"Yes I'm fucking sure!" It's all that I want and more. "Will you just... fuck off and pour another drink?" Tell me what you think.
"I'm too drunk to talk right now." It was a cheap excuse. Dazai had been nursing his whiskey all night, he needed better to fool Chuuya.
"Like hell you are, I don't understand why you won't just fucking talk to me, slippery bastard. We're partners, goddamnit!" Chuuya took one last long drag of his cigarette, he always smoked when he was getting too worked up.
"Ex-partners," Dazai corrected, his voice cold and distant. It was the voice he had always used to talk to clients.
Chuuya put his cigarette out on Dazai's face.
Dazai found the action much more endearing than he should have,
Chuuya was always so beautiful.
"And whose fault is that?" Chuuya spat, his voice had no trace of the lethal poison Dazai had begun to accept, he just sounded exhausted.
Dazai paused, he was treading unfamiliar territory. "My dog seems to have forgotten who his master is, perhaps he needs reminding? I thought he knew better than to bark at me! Such shameless behavior!"
"I'm not your fucking dog! Can you take this seriously? For once in your goddamn life, can you take me seriously?"
Dazai was torn between 'I am trying' and 'How could I take someone so small seriously?'
He didn't understand why Chuuya was trying to break his back for him, why he was so damn insistent on making whatever they had work?
He figured he should put Chuuya out of his misery, push him away before he got too close again. "How could I take someone so small seriously?"
Chuuya threw a knife at Dazai,
he caught it with ease.
"I know all your tricks, you really think you could get me with such a cheap shot?"
"You were late." Chuuya ignored the comment, you think I don't know how well you know me?
"Was I? I didn't know dogs had any sense of time!" Of course I do. You're mine.
"Enough with the dog jokes. I thought you'd be a no-show." I'm not yours anymore. Not since you left me.
Dazai scoffed. "I wasn't that late" I didn't leave you. I left the Mafia.
"You were an hour late! 'I wasn't that late' my ass!" Chuuya paused, his eyebrows creased the way they always did when he was thinking about something. You didn't even call. You cut all ties, you took the fucking ring.
Dazai wished he could ease the ache in Chuuya's heart.
"...the last time you were late.. well, you never showed up." I thought you were mine.
"I was never yours." Dazai said the words coldly.
He didn't mean them.
Of course he was his,
Dazai belonged to Chuuya just as much as Chuuya belonged to Dazai,
they were on equal footing; partners.
"You were never mine because you would never fucking talk to me! Don't you know I would've gone with you if you asked? Don't you know I would've followed you wherever you went? You don't think I'd fucking understand? I just wanted someone to stay."
Dazai gulped, Chuuya was bordering on drunk. One glass in he was angry, two glasses in he'd be weepy, and three he'd be affectionate, begging they went back to his loft and peeled away their layers; allow the night to soften the edges of their sharp souls.
"I'm here now."
Dazai couldn't lose Chuuya again.
Dazai remembered the night like it was yesterday.
He remembered cradling Odasaku in his eyes, weeping,
screaming at the night for taking away one of the few things that brought him joy.
He would've lived, just a while longer, if it meant keeping Odasaku from worrying.
He took the dying words of his best friend to heart,
a man who he'd always seen as a father.
He knew he had to leave, his legs seemed to carry him away without much thought, Dazai certainly didn't know where he was going.
He turned the plan over in his head,
there was nothing he'd miss if he were to leave his chair as Executive,
he would miss nothing of the Mafia whatsoever.
That's what he thought, at least,
until he was at the door of Chuuya Nakahara's apartment.
His partner was on a temporary leave to France, he was to return the next day.
Can I truly leave him behind?
Dazai knew the answer.
No,
he could never leave Chuuya behind,
but he could never ask him to leave behind the life he had grown so accustomed too. Chuuya wasn't like Dazai, he needed a place he fit, he needed to be cared for, he needed a constant.
He was there, in Mori's office, the day Chuuya had scouted out his parents.
'Don't you want to meet them?'
'Nah. I don't need to. The Port Mafia's my family now.'
How could he dare tear Chuuya away from that?
Perhaps Dazai could just...
stay a little longer, Chuuya alone could convince him...
the insults, the sweet nothings whispered in the quiet of the night, when he and Chuuya ceased to be two broken parts and were able to become one, when Chuuya witnessed the peak of pleasure, Dazai's name dying on the tip of his tongue...
He had to go.
He wrote a note,
he couldn't quite recall what it had said,
he just remembered how much pain he would be putting Chuuya through as he wrote 'Dazai Osamu, former half of Double Black'
He had placed a bomb under his car, but he could never bring himself to do the same to his beloved motorcycle,
not when it had belonged to someone he cared for so dearly.
The rest of the night was a blur,
perhaps he'd gotten drunk, high, who knows.
Yet, of course, the story continues four years later,
on the very day Odasaku died,
and the very day Dazai left the Port Mafia behind.
"I'm here now."
"What, do you want a fucking cookie? Do you want us to just kiss and make up? No, of course that has too many strings attached, Dazai... I'm scared. I'm so damn terrified one day I'll wake up and you won't be next to me. I already did four years, I don't want another day without you by my side, can't you see that?"
Dazai swallowed around the lump in his throat. They fought so many times as teenagers, said such vicious words, just for Dazai to work his magic and make Chuuya forget all about them. Every time they made up the truth would fade, they could no longer determine the difference between love and hate.
Chuuya looked at the dingy bar they were in and scoffed. "Damn, who are we right now? Can we have a little conversation, figure this shit out with no intoxication?"
"This was your idea, stupid slug. Maybe that hat really has finally eaten your brain!"
"Shut up, god, I hate you!"
"Then what's the point? We carry on, what is our motivation?"
"Don't bring your damn suicidal ideals into this! You're too damn stubborn to have a fucking rational conversation with me!"
"You're the one barking at me."
Chuuya would usually yell at Dazai for the joke, claiming he'd overused it way too many times.
But he didn't,
instead he laughed.
A real,
honest,
laugh.
"I hate how used to your shitty insults I am." Chuuya leans forward and kisses Dazai, "It's like we only plan to lose, chasin' pain with an excuse." Chuuya says against his lips.
Dazai hums and kisses back, matching Chuuya's pace. He savored the bitter taste of wine on Chuuya's lips, allowed himself to be engulfed by the strong scent of Chuuya's cologne, the lingering scent of nicotine on his clothes. "I love that shit and so do you."
Chuuya sighs and leans his head on Dazai's chest. "...you shouldn't break your back for me, you can't possibly think I'm worth it."
"Dogs are loyal, they wait for their masters for years, even after they've died." Chuuya responds, he regrets the words as soon as they dare leave his mouth.
Dazai lets out a long, hearty laugh; one that was much more real than those from the mafia. Dazai had always laughed, Chuuya had been the reason for it plenty of times, but it was rare to get such an honest one. Dazai always had a tendency to laugh at people like they were just pawns in his game, like he was simply amused at the ramblings of humanity. "I can't believe you finally admitted to being my dog! What is this, some kind of new kink I've discovered?"
Chuuya went red with rage and embarrassment. "Shut up! You're so fucking insufferable, you're the one who was so hell-bent on me being your dog in the first place!"
"Chuuya?"
"What? What is it this time?"
Dazai rolled his eyes, swallowing whatever insult was on the tip of his tongue. "...We can try it."
"...What?"
"I have to make sure my dog is well-groomed, don't I? And well-fed, and I need to make sure he goes on plenty of walks and gets a good nights rest and get him vaccinated, don't I?"
"You're capable of being romantic you slippery bastard, is this really the time for dog puns?"
"I never pass up a chance to tease my beloved Chuu~ya" Dazai wrung out his name, getting an entire extra syllable out of it.
"Go to hell."
"As long as you're by my side, I'm not going anywhere." Dazai's voice was soft and meaningful, Chuuya would be sure to tease him for saying something so cheesy later but... for now?
Chuuya would lean his head up to meet Dazai's lips in another kiss.
Dazai would lead Chuuya back to his loft, where Chuuya would peel off Dazai's bandages,
where Dazai would peel off Chuuya's gloves,
where the lights would be turned off and they could be their truest forms,
and their jagged edges would meet, until they were but one entity.
For now,
it would have to suffice.
"I love you, shitty Mackerel."
"I love you too, silly slug."
Fin.