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It’s been two weeks since Tommy showed up at Buck’s apartment and kissed him. Two weeks since Buck started discovering the wonders of bisexuality.
Since then, he’s gone on several dates with Tommy, become very well acquainted with the feeling of kissing a man, and also told all of his friends and family about his recent self-discovery.
He knew there was no need to be nervous, of course — that every one of the people who matter to him would love and accept him just like they always have. And yet, it ended up being surprisingly difficult for him to work up the courage to tell them.
It’s not like he’s ashamed of himself, it’s just…he’s thirty years old and he can’t help but feel like he should’ve figured this out sooner, and like maybe some people will think this is just another one of his phases during his search for happiness, instead of something that genuinely feels true and right.
Everyone reacts the way he, deep down, knew they would: They hug him, tell him they’re proud of him, and so on. Athena suggests that he give Michael a call, since he knows a thing or two about figuring out your sexuality later in life, and Buck gratefully types his number into his phone and calls him that evening. He feels a lot better afterwards.
Considering the fact that Tommy is the first guy he’s ever dated, they — for Buck’s standards — take it relatively slow. They still haven’t done more than make out, though their hands start wandering more and more every time, but Buck has a feeling it’s about to go a little further.
They’re in Buck’s bed, with Tommy straddling him while kissing him senseless as his hands explore Buck’s chest underneath his shirt. After a while, Tommy pulls back slightly and starts trailing kisses down Buck’s jaw until his lips reach Buck’s neck. Buck gasps quietly when Tommy starts sucking on his pulse point. Women have kissed his neck and given him hickeys before, sure, but there’s something excitingly different about it with a man’s weight on top of him and the slight scratching of stubble against his skin.
Buck closes his eyes as he lets himself be overtaken by pleasure. He feels almost dizzy with it, his mind blissfully devoid of any concrete thoughts other than ‘this feels good.’
Buck isn’t even aware of his own lips moving until it’s already too late; until he’s releasing a — quite frankly sinful — moan.
“Eddie.”
Tommy stills immediately, though his lips don’t leave Buck’s neck just yet, like he’s too shocked. It takes a moment for Buck’s brain to catch up with what just happened and when it does, it feels like a bucket of ice water has been dumped on him.
His eyes fly open just as Tommy pulls back, staring at Buck with an incredulous expression on his face. Buck simply stares back, his jaw hanging open slightly and his eyes wide. He tries to say something, anything, but words refuse to move past his lips.
If only they’d done that a minute ago.
Eventually, Tommy blinks before huffing a bitter, humorless laugh and moving off of Buck and the bed. Buck remains frozen for a few seconds longer.
“Guess you weren’t trying to get my attention after all,” Tommy scoffs as he bends down to pick his jacket up from the floor. Finally, Buck manages to snap out of his stupor and sit up.
“What?” he croaks and Tommy raises an eyebrow at him.
“It was about Eddie after all,” he says. “Just not the way you thought.”
Buck’s pretty sure his brain short-circuits, if it hasn’t already.
“That’s not- I’m-,” he starts, the denial already on his tongue, but for some reason he can’t quite say it.
“Eddie is my best friend,” is what he settles on. Maybe it’s not the full truth, but at least it’s a truth.
Tommy scoffs again, crossing his arms.
“Is that why you just moaned his name?”
The verbalization of what happened makes Buck’s blood turn to ice once more and tears burn behind his eyes.
Once again, he wants to say something. He wants to say that Tommy’s wrong; that he doesn’t see Eddie as anything more than his best friend.
Until about three minutes ago, that would’ve even been the truth.
Buck has never thought about Eddie that way before. At least not consciously. Hell, until two weeks ago he hadn’t even consciously thought about men that way.
But now, just like when Tommy kissed him the first time, it feels like a veil has been lifted, allowing him to see everything in a completely new light.
In his mind’s eye, he sees flashes of his moments with Eddie and it’s like a dam breaks — like all the feelings he had in those moments that he never dared to look at more closely suddenly flood through him.
He sees a flash of Eddie in the locker room on his first day at the 118, looking so fucking good and making Buck oh so jealous. Except, was it really jealousy? Or was jealousy simply the only thing he allowed himself to name it?
A flash of the Christmas elf: ‘You two have an adorable son.’
How he wanted it to be true. How fulfilled the idea made him feel, despite having only known Eddie for a few weeks.
Flashes of him with Eddie and Christopher, having meals together, playing games, simply existing in the same house together. Contentedness.
Flashes of the well and how Buck would’ve clawed his way to Eddie if he could’ve.
Flashes of the shooting, and how it felt like the world may as well have ended when that bullet tore through Eddie’s shoulder.
Flashes of Eddie’s touches. His hand on his shoulder and the way he could always still feel it on his skin even once he pulled away. Eddie embracing him, holding him like he’s something precious, and Buck never wanting to let go. The feeling of Eddie’s stubble against his skin as he buries his face in Buck’s neck.
It’s like all of a sudden everything becomes clear to him. Everything makes sense. Everything he’s been looking for has been in front of him the whole time.
Except he can’t have it.
“Please don’t tell him,” Buck manages with a choked voice, all but begging the man in front of him. At that, Tommy’s expression softens a little and he sighs.
“I won’t,” he says, uncrossing his arms and reaching for his phone on the nightstand. “But for what it’s worth…I think you should.”
With that, Tommy takes one more look at Buck before turning around and walking down the stairs. A moment later, Buck’s front door opens and closes and then he’s alone.
For a while, he just sits there, staring at nothing as he slowly starts to process everything that just happened.
Then he cries.
—
He calls in sick for the shift he’s supposed to work later that day. The idea of seeing Eddie is just too much for him right now. He needs some time to process first. And to wallow in his misery.
He should’ve known that wouldn’t be possible.
It’s evening when there’s a short knock on his door, followed by the sound of a key turning in the lock. Buck freezes where he’s standing in the kitchen, because either his sister decided to spontaneously drop by or—
“Hey, Buck,” Eddie says when he steps inside, looking slightly taken aback by Buck being in the kitchen. He was probably expecting him to be in bed or on the couch, since he’s ‘sick’ and all.
“Uh, h-hey,” Buck manages, hoping Eddie doesn’t notice his slight breathlessness at the sight of the man he’s only very recently realized he’s in love with.
Eddie is…beautiful. That’s the first thing that comes to mind when Buck takes him in. It was the first thing he thought when he met Eddie, too, but back then he thought he was simply taking notice of an objective fact. Now…
It truly does feel like he’s seeing Eddie in a whole new light and all the desires he’s been repressing all these years rush through him. He wants to get lost in Eddie’s eyes and run his hand through his hair. He wants to gently trace every feature of his face, and his body, with his fingertips. He wants to touch Eddie’s lips and kiss them and—
“Buck.”
Buck blinks when Eddie’s voice interrupts his thoughts, hoping he wasn’t too obvious about their content.
“Don’t you have a shift?” he asks, willing his heart rate to slow back down.
“Bobby let me go a little early so I could check on you,” Eddie says with a shrug. He takes a few steps in Buck’s direction and leans against the kitchen island, opposite to the kitchen counter Buck is leaning on, and Buck wants to flee, because being this close to Eddie is too much, but he stays rooted in place. “So, what’s wrong? You don’t usually call in sick unless you’re literally on death’s door.”
Buck opens his mouth, trying desperately to think of an excuse.
“I, uh…I just…wasn’t feeling well,” is all he can come up with and he has to stop himself from wincing. Eddie raises an eyebrow at him, clearly not convinced.
“That’s never stopped you before,” he says pointedly, crossing his arms in front of his chest. “So I’ll ask again: What’s wrong?”
Buck once again racks his brain for something to say, opening and closing his mouth like a fish in the process until eventually, he deflates with a sigh.
“Tommy and I ended things,” he admits, ducking his head slightly to avoid Eddie’s eyes.
“I didn’t know you liked him that much,” Eddie says after a moment of silence and when Buck raises his head again, he’s met with a confused frown on Eddie’s face that, frankly, should not look as adorable as it does.
“I didn’t,” Buck confesses before realizing how that sounds. “I mean I- I did like him, I just…”
He trails off, unsure how to continue that sentence and shakes his head.
“It doesn’t matter,” he says, hoping that Eddie will just drop it.
Eddie doesn’t, of course.
“Clearly it does matter, if you’re missing work because of the breakup,” he challenges with another raise of his eyebrow.
“I’m fine, Eddie. I mean it- it wasn’t even really a breakup,” he huffs. “We barely dated.”
“Alright, then what’s got you so upset that you lied and told Bobby you’re sick?”
Well, Buck walked right into that one.
He should’ve just lied from the beginning — pretended to be more broken up about Tommy leaving than he is. Because now, he doesn’t have a proper excuse.
For a moment he just stares at Eddie and then he groans, burying his face in his hands. Maybe he can get away with the partial truth.
“I’m upset about how it ended, because…,” he starts, running his hands down his face in frustration before letting them drop to his sides. “Because I kinda messed up.”
Eddie raises his chin expectantly.
“Okay,” he says slowly. “How?”
Buck really doesn’t want to answer that, but he’s afraid there’s no way around it.
“We were making out and I, uh,” he starts, looking down in embarrassment. “I kinda…said someone else’s name.”
Eddie doesn’t respond immediately and Buck hesitantly raises his head again. Eddie looks sympathetic but also a little bit like he’s trying to hold back a laugh. Buck can’t even blame him.
“Shit,” Eddie simply says then and Buck huffs a humorless laugh.
“Yeah.”
They’re both silent for a moment and Buck tenses in anticipation of the question he knows Eddie will ask.
“Whose name?”
Buck sighs.
“It doesn’t matter.”
Eddie nods slowly, a skeptical expression on his face.
“But it was an accident, right?” he asks and Buck gives him a deadpan look, because duh. “So, did you try explaining that it didn’t mean anything?”
“I couldn’t do that without lying to him,” Buck admits and Eddie’s eyes widen a little in understanding.
“Oh,” he says, processing that information for a moment. Eddie shifts uncomfortably and Buck frowns slightly. Why does Eddie suddenly seem so troubled?
“So, uh,” Eddie says then, clearing his throat. “So you like this person then?”
That’s an understatement.
“Yeah, you could say that,” Buck huffs, feeling absolutely miserable.
Eddie nods again and Buck can practically see the wheels turning in his head.
“Is it a guy?” he asks curiously and Buck quickly averts his eyes.
“Look, can we just drop this?” he all but begs. “Please?”
Eddie looks taken aback for a moment before saying: “Yeah, of course. Sorry.”
Eddie gives him a smile but Buck can see the slight hurt behind it at his best friend not confiding in him entirely. Buck wishes desperately that he could make it go away but there’s no way of doing that without making things even worse, so he simply smiles back at him gratefully.
Eddie is definitely holding himself back from pushing for more answers and Buck gets it. Even though the censored version of events he told Eddie is obviously embarrassing and upsetting, taking a sick day is a pretty dramatic reaction. Especially since, as Eddie pointed out, Buck doesn’t usually take sick days unless he absolutely has to.
So Buck knows that Eddie knows there’s more to the story, which makes him even more grateful that he doesn’t press him further.
“Alright, how about some distraction then?” Eddie suggests, his cheerful tone entirely unconvincing. “Wanna watch a movie?”
Sitting next to Eddie on his couch kind of sounds like hell right now, considering Buck’s recent realization, but he’s already upset Eddie and asking him to leave would probably make him more sad, so he’s going to just have to suck it up.
“Yeah, sure,” he says with a tight smile. “Sounds great.”
—
Buck was right: It is hell.
He can’t stop thinking about the feeling of Eddie’s shoulder against his, or his knee knocking against his whenever he leans forward to grab his beer, and he’s had to fight the urge to turn his head and just stare at Eddie’s unfairly beautiful face for over an hour. He’s not even sure what movie they’re watching.
Buck needs a break.
“I, uh, I gotta go to the bathroom,” he lies as he quickly stands up and bolts. Once inside, he locks the bathroom door behind him and then leans against it, closing his eyes with a heavy sigh.
He’s just gotta get through this movie and then he can tell Eddie that he’s tired and Eddie will leave and Buck will finally have more than a few hours to come to terms with his feelings for him so that maybe he’ll be able to face him again.
Buck stays in the bathroom for a few minutes but he can’t stay in there forever without Eddie realizing that something’s up. So he splashes some cold water on his face before taking a deep breath to brace himself for walking back into the living room.
When he sees his phone in Eddie’s hand, Buck freezes. He’s not entirely sure why, because usually, neither of them have a problem with looking at or using each other’s phones. They even have each other’s passcodes.
Sometimes when Buck gets a notification while he’s busy cooking, he even asks Eddie to take his phone so he can read the message to him and then type out whatever response Buck tells him to.
So seeing Eddie with Buck’s phone in hand really isn’t that out of the ordinary but for some reason, this time his stomach drops at the sight.
Eddie is frowning at the screen but Buck must make some kind of noise because then his head snaps up and he’s looking right at him and Buck has to seriously resist the urge to simply flee.
Still frowning, Eddie slowly stands up and starts walking towards Buck.
“I didn’t look on purpose,” Eddie says as he comes closer. “You got a notification and I happened to glance at it and then I saw my name…”
He trails off.
“It was a text from Tommy,” he continues and Buck feels like he might throw up. Eddie looks back down at the phone in his hand and clears his throat slightly before reading the text out loud. “Buck, you really should tell Eddie what happened, I’m sure it’ll be fine.”
Then he puts the phone in his pocket and meets Buck’s eyes, crossing his arms in front of his chest.
“What’s he talking about?” he challenges.
Buck’s mouth feels dry. Has it always been this warm in his apartment?
“Just, uh,” Buck tries, his voice cracking slightly. He clears his throat. “Just the- the breakup.”
“Don’t bullshit me, Buck,” Eddie says firmly. “There’s clearly more to it than that.”
Buck’s lost count of how many times he hasn’t known what to say today, and here he is again.
Eddie’s expression softens a little.
“Buck, come on, you can talk to me,” he pleads, uncrossing his arms. “Something’s going on and- and I’m worried, okay?”
“Nothing’s going on,” Buck tries again, forcing a short, awkward laugh that most definitely doesn’t do anything to convince Eddie.
“Buck, there’s no way you called in sick because of a breakup and some embarrassment,” Eddie argues, his patience starting to wear thin. “And you’ve been acting weird since the moment I got here! And now this weird, cryptic text from Tommy and you-”
“It was your name,” Buck blurts out, interrupting Eddie’s rant. He wasn’t planning on saying it but Eddie is upset and he’s clearly not going to simply let this go and, frankly, Buck is tired of trying to come up with excuses, so the words leave his mouth before he can stop them.
It’s Eddie’s turn to freeze now. His mouth hangs open as he stares at Buck and Buck gulps, the realization of what he just admitted to starting to settle in.
“I’m sorry,” he hurries to say, not even bothering to try and keep the panic out of his voice. He can’t lose Eddie. He can’t. “I’m so sorry, Eddie.”
Eddie is still staring at Buck in shock. A moment later, his expression changes, his eyes narrowing slightly and no longer looking directly at Buck. He looks like he’s trying to solve the world’s most complicated math problem in his head.
It feels like an eternity until he breaks the silence.
“Wait, so you…,” he starts, his eyes meeting Buck’s again. “...you like me?”
Buck could deny it. He could claim that saying Eddie’s name was nothing but a meaningless accident. Except he already told him it wasn’t meaningless. Besides, Buck feels…exhausted. Today has been so much and he hates hiding things from his best friend and he just…he doesn’t want to do it anymore.
His shoulders sag as he releases a heavy breath of air.
“I’m pretty sure I love you, actually,” he confesses, his voice barely more than a whisper.
Eddie’s eyes widen, the frown slowly disappearing from his face as he wordlessly stares at Buck.
“But, look, I-,” Buck adds, desperate not to lose his best friend over this. “I’ll get over it, okay? I don’t wanna make you uncomfortable and I really don’t wanna lose you and I-”
He doesn’t get to finish his sentence because next thing he knows, Eddie is grabbing his face with both hands and crashing their lips together.
Buck freezes for a moment, a startled gasp escaping him, before his brain catches up with what’s happening and he puts his hands on Eddie’s hips, pulling him closer.
He’s never felt anything like this before.
Buck parts his lips slightly, allowing Eddie’s tongue to slip inside and they both release a moan. The kiss is full of desperation and they’re both breathless but neither of them care.
Buck loses all sense of time, his mind blissfully empty of anything but Eddie’s name, so he’s not sure how long the kiss lasts. Eventually, the movement of their lips becomes slower, turning it into something less passionate and more soft. Eddie presses his lips against Buck’s one more time, sighing softly, before slowly pulling away.
He keeps his face close to Buck’s, their noses almost touching as their eyes meet. Eddie looks awestruck.
“I don’t think that’s going to be a problem,” he says quietly, his gaze dropping to Buck’s lips. Buck’s does the same, and this time he’s the one who grabs Eddie’s face and kisses him.
Eddie reciprocates immediately, pulling Buck closer again, and then they’re stumbling through the living room until the back of Buck’s legs hits the couch and he drops on his back, never separating from Eddie, who leans forward until he’s on top of Buck.
Eddie’s hand starts wandering down Buck’s chest and then underneath his shirt. Buck wants Eddie to touch him everywhere.
“Dios, Buck,” Eddie murmurs against Buck’s lips before raising his head slightly so he can take in the sight of Buck’s face. He’s wearing the same awestruck expression as before. “I thought I was straight.”
“Until very recently, I thought I was straight, too,” Buck says, still catching his breath.
For a few seconds, they just look at each other in silence.
And then they both burst into laughter.
Buck isn’t even sure why, but they do, and neither of them seems to be able to stop. Eddie drops his head onto Buck’s shoulder and Buck can feel his breath against his skin as they continue laughing and laughing and laughing.
He’s just so happy and he feels so goddamn light, like everything finally makes sense. And he’s pretty sure Eddie feels the same way.
Eventually, they calm down a little, laughs turning into soft smiles and Eddie raises his head again to meet Buck’s eyes. His expression is so full of love, Buck thinks he might melt.
Buck leans up to give Eddie a short, soft kiss.
“But, uh, for the record,” he says, grinning as he kisses him again. “You’re not, right?”
“No,” Eddie says without hesitation, smiling down at Buck softly. “I love you.”
He leans down for yet another kiss.
“Didn’t figure it out until about ten minutes ago,” Eddie admits, softly attaching his lips to Buck’s neck for a moment. “But I do.”
Buck’s face is starting to hurt from smiling so much but he doesn’t care. Eddie keeps kissing his neck and Buck gasps, grabbing hold of Eddie’s hair and pulling slightly.
He moans the right name this time.