Chapter Text
Emily looked down at the planner on her desk, which was filled with paperwork lying all around, some of it crumbled up, half empty coffee cups and packs of gum.
People often say that the environment around you reflects your mind, and that might be true. The section chief has always been the best in pushing away her feelings, in compartmentalizing. Not showing her emotions and burying them deep-deep down. But not now. Not after the recent events that made her crumble.
She looked at the date, it had been two weeks; two weeks of chaos, suspicion and most of all, it had been two weeks since Dough Bailey had gotten killed in the line of duty.
But, was it in the line of duty? Prentiss had been wrecking her brain about it. There was more to this story, more about gold star. Oh, how she hated politics. She could still hear her own words echoing through her mind; “I think politics makes people distrustful. I think it makes them hate themselves. I think it tears families apart, and damages people.”
Prentiss scoffed. “Look at me now,” she thought to herself. She turned into someone she resented for so long; her own mother.
She got herself stuck in a web, a web filled with political bullshit. When did she lose the plot? She was happy being promoted, she had earned her spot.
As Rossi had once said when another person had thought she could bring down the BAU by getting into Emily’s mind, by making her unsure of all the things she, and the team had accomplished: “You deserve that seat.”
He’d been right, she deserved to be in the BAU. She’d deserved to be the one to fill in Aaron Hotchner’s spot as BAU Unit Chief back then. But she hadn’t believed it.
It had been Reid, who had made her believe in it again, in herself. But right now, there was no Reid, he wasn’t here to give her a lovingly kick to her butt.
Of course, Rossi was here, and so were Luke, Tara, even Penelope and… Jennifer Jareau. Calling her JJ had felt wrong lately. “Friends can call me JJ.” She recalled her always saying that back when she was still a media liaison. But right now it didn’t feel like that, like friends.
Right now, she wasn’t happy, she wasn’t so thrilled about being the section chief anymore. And she could not help but wonder what had made her do it, accept that job. The old Emily Prentiss never would’ve done that, right?
Was it some way to escape? Like she has always done her whole life? Running away from her problems, from herself. It was not that crazy when she’d grown up moving away every single time things had gotten good, every time they’d gotten real. Her mother’s work had ensured that Emily never got a chance to really connect with people, not on a deep level at least. Not until later.
Of course there had been Matthew, but what good had that brought her? Lots of religious trauma to say the least.
But running away from what? When had her perfectly built life, start to come crumbling down again ? She had a good life, she had a good income, she was in a good relationship with a good man, they were even looking for houses together, she was ready to leave this life behind, that’s what she kept telling herself at least. But it wasn’t good, or it would’ve been good, if Emily had been in love with him , with Mendoza.
Mendoza was a good man, he really was. He’d made Emily feel special. But she’d lied to him, and to herself. She had been lying to herself for years. And that wasn’t fair. She could never possibly love him, or any man for that matter. No matter how hard she tried, and tried and tried. This was a thing she could not run away from. She kept trying it, going on dates with men, just in the hope to desperately feel something, to feel that spark.
But nobody gave her that spark, the spark she had felt time and time again, when she’d held her hand in that hospital, all those stolen glances, when she’d gently patted her knee on the jet. It had made her feel something. She had told herself it was normal, that you feel that way with friends. But why had she never felt it with Penelope? Nor with Tara?
Why hadn’t she felt crushed when attending Rossi and Krystal’s wedding? She had been happy for them. That crushing feeling only came when she looked at her, and she was looking at Spencer,the way she had looked at the blonde, all those years.
It made her feel the same way she had at her wedding, when she’d looked her in the eyes and she had known it was time to let that spark inside her die. It was time to do what she did best, running away, by running Interpol. An entire ocean between them. Maybe the ocean could burn out that spark. One thing she was sure of, she was never gonna let that spark become a flame.
But still, she could not lie to Mendoza. He could never be her, he would never be Jennifer Jareau. So she had made up another lie, well technically it wasn’t a lie, she’d told him about the job offer. He had said that it was okay and that they could work, look for houses in the DC area. But he had been the one who’d wanted to make it work, there was no they.
She’d broken it off, telling him she wasn’t ready. And it was the truth, but not the actual one. Nobody had to know that one, ever.
She’d married her job, and it had been fine at first. Until Covid had hit the world. Until higher ups had told her political stuff about budget cuts.
Until Jennifer Jareau had decided to come back from her New Orleans field office job.
Then and there, Prentiss had made a deal with herself. JJ was in the past, Jennifer Jareau came back. Her plan to run away to London, to forget about the blonde had never worked. She had to think of something else. That resulted in simply giving her a cold shoulder. If she kept up that act it would work eventually.
Covid had made the team split up, they’d worked from all over the country, without a jet. They rarely saw each other, anymore. Prentiss' old office had even been turned into a gym. It had all changed with the Sicarius case.
It had brought them closer together again, that case. It had not brought Emily and JJ closer together though. The section chief had done a good job at keeping the blonde agent at a distance. Maybe her plan had worked, she hadn’t felt that spark anymore, not since that last hug years ago.
“ Luke, JJ, do you copy?”
She had almost lost her, she’d almost lost Jennifer Jareau again. She had not felt a spark though, she’d felt fear, pure fear and anger directed at nobody but herself. Why had she let them go there on their own? It was all her fault.
When they’d arrived at the scene she had felt guilt. She’d wanted nothing more than to collapse into JJ’s arms. But JJ had looked at her in some type of way. She’d realized that JJ had started to use the same look in her eyes that she herself had used on JJ. A distant and cold one.
She had gone in for a hug from Luke instead.
Suddenly Emily felt a warm sensation on her hands, dripping down her arm, soaking some of the papers laying around on her desk in a deep reddish color. “Shit.”
She had been so lost in her own thoughts; memories, that she hadn’t realized she had started picking the skin around her fingers again, to the point where she’d ripped it.
She jolted up in an instant, accidentally knocking over one of the half-full coffee cups in the process. “Double shit!”
She walked over getting the first aid kit to put on a band-aid. She was in the middle of the process of cleaning up her bloody fingers with the prickly burning disinfectant “Oh motherfu-”
*Knock knock knock*
She thought it was Rossi. Ever since he lost Krystal he came by her office more often, he had always done that but it was more nowadays. Well it used to be more.
She had not seen anyone of the team in the past two weeks, she had locked herself in her office and rarely came out. She’d strategically scheduled her toilet breaks and the moments she got coffee, when nobody was around. The team must have been busy as well, or maybe they’d thought it was best to leave the section chief alone, until now.
But it wasn’t Rossi coming in.
“Emily, we need to talk.”
Emily was shocked to hear not Rossi but JJ instead. She didn’t want anyone to see her, especially not JJ.
“Not now Jennifer,” she said while carefully putting the band-aid on her battered fingertip, the disinfectant still burning in her skin.
“Come on Emily, you haven’t gotten out of your batcave once the past two weeks, open your door.. please,” JJ said, still standing on the other side of the locked office door. She traced the letters of Emily’s name on the nameplate, followed by two words; “section chief”
“I have! Do you think I can survive in here without getting my daily doses of Splenda?” Prentiss said, trying to lighten the mood, in the hopes that JJ would just give up her attempt to talk and leave.
“I’m glad you still got some jokes left in you, but I’m serious Em. Please open the door… or I will show you that I’m a better door-kicker than Derek Morgan ever was!”
Emily suddenly froze by hearing that nick name, ‘Em’. JJ had given up on calling her that some time ago, just like Emily stopped calling her ‘JJ’ . She shook her head and put away the first aid kit.
“Thank you,” JJ said as she heard Emily unlocking the door. Her eyes widened seeing the state of Emily's office, not just her office, but also Emily.
“Did a tornado pass through here by any chance?”
Prentiss didn’t react to that question as she desperately tried to clear her desk. It didn’t help that the tiny trash can that stood next to it was already packed, no space for the mess created on her desk. JJ closed the office door behind her.
“Can you lock it behind you?”
The blonde raised her eyebrow and let out a soft chuckle. “It depends, will I make it out alive?” Sage said with a smirk.
But again no response from the gray-haired section chief.
She slowly stepped towards Emily’s desk and took a closer and careful look at the stuff scattered around. Some of the coffee cups must have been weeks old, growing chunks of molt in them.
“Emily… can we.. uh.. sit down for at least a minute?” Her gaze softened as she looked into Emily’s eyes. “Hey, I know we… uhm… haven’t really talked in a while, but I’m still here for you, you know that..right? Nothing of what happened was your fault. Maybe you blame yourself, and knowing you, you do. But sitting here languishing in your office, shutting everyone out, isn’t gonna do you any good.” JJ sat down on the chair opposite Emily.
“And by the way, my joke was funny,” she said followed by a playful wink.
For the first time in months JJ saw a soft, tiny smile directed towards her. You could barely call it a smile, but it was something. Emily desperately tried to avoid eye contact.
“The joke was mediocre at best,” she said, still with that tiny smile. “I have a lot of work to do, so what is it that you wanted to talk about?”
JJ looks around the office, and then fixes her gaze on Emily again. “Did you..pick your skin again?”
Dammit. Why did she know Emily so well? How did she notice? She tried hiding her hands under the desk, resting them on her lap but somehow Jennifer Jareau just knew. She always knew.
“It’s nothing, really..I’m fine.” She looked down at the drops of blood mixed with the coffee she dropped earlier.
“Listen… For a profiler, you’re a pretty shitty liar, Emily Prentiss,” JJ looked more serious now. With a hint of concern creeping on her face.
Those damn blue eyes, no matter how hard Emily tried to escape them, she could feel them burning in her skin. Her heart began to beat faster. So fast that it would explode; right here, right now. She wanted to scream, she wanted to scream the words: ‘JJ, why did you not pick me? Why did you go for Will? And then for Spencer?’ , but she couldn’t do it. She was not gonna break her own heart with the truth she already knew, that she had always known.
“I think it’s time for you to go JJ, really, I’m buried in paperwork” she tried again, with an even colder and more distant tone this time.
“No, enough with the bullshit Emily. I know it has been hard on you, I get it really-”
“You don’t, respectfully JJ, you have no idea what it has been like.”
JJ gasped. “Well then let me in! Don’t shut us out, tell us what’s going on!” JJ was almost never angry, at least not noticeably. But right now she looked mad. She looked angry, confused but mostly hurt, all at the same time. Only now Emily noticed how drained JJ looked.
“Don’t… shut me out…” Jennifer whispered just loud enough for Emily to hear. If there had been any other sort of noise in the room, she wouldn’t have picked it up.
JJ stood up from the chair and turned to walk towards the door. Emily knew she had a chance right now, she knew that if she was drowning in guilt, in feelings, in everything, she could tell JJ. Or at least, she used to be able to.
An hour had passed by and Emily had not moved ever since JJ left her office.
*knock knock knock*
‘Not again..’ thought Prentiss. “ Yes?” No answer came though. “Hello?” Ugh “I’m not really in the mood for jokes.” There was still no response, but Emily's curiosity got the best of her.
When she opened the door, she saw nobody, she was ready to close the door again until a basket on the floor caught her eye. A brown basket with a pink envelope, her name written on it in loopy black letters. She knew the handwriting was JJ’s. Emily had always been a tiny bit jealous of it, her own handwriting was horrible and JJ used to tease Emily about it. Then they used to laugh, followed by that spark.
As Emily put down the basket after locking her door and throwing the papers that still had laid around her desk on the ground, she took the card and started reading.
Hi Em,
Let’s do this the old fashioned way, I’m surprised I still know how to use an actual pen! ; )
I figured you wanted
*bzzz buzz bzz*
Emily got startled by her phone suddenly going off, she was sure it had been on silent all this time.
It was Tara.
T Lewis : Prentiss!! I think it’s time you and I go out, tonight. it has been way too long and we both could use some of that delicious liquid gold in our blood ;) I will pick you up around 9 and NO you have no choice :)
She thought for a second before replying back. She was basically being forced at this point. But it was Tara, how could she say no to Tara? She couldn’t.
E Prentiss : fine! Only if the drinks are on you!
Her phone buried deep in the drawer of her desk again, Prentiss picked up the note.
Hi Em,
Let’s do this the old fashioned way, I’m surprised I still know how to use an actual pen! ; )
I figured you wanted to be left alone. But it didn’t feel right to leave you there like that . I brought you trash bags, cleaning cloths and other stuff to clean up your office. If you need any help with it, you have my number.
Oh, and P.S.: There is some chocolate in there, too.
Love,
Jennifer
Tears began to sting in her eyes. Why was forgetting about JJ so hard, the hardest thing she ever had to do? Oh how she wished she could just go back in time, years back in time to the moment she had used those stupid words, “you should go for him.”, “you’d make a cute couple.”, and change it. She was scared back then, and confused. It wasn’t until JJ had gone for him that she knew she wasn’t confused anymore.
She had fallen harder for Jennifer Jareau than she had known was possible, and ruined the chance they might have had in just a matter of seconds.
She held the note close to her heart as a tear rolled down her cheek.