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Ashlyn lay on a bed-topper in the front of the bus, listening to the sounds of the real world outside. The wind, the occasional car, even more rarely: a human voice. At least, that’s what she told herself she was listening for.
They’d all been sleeping in the bus more and more often lately. It made sense: this way they were all together before and after the shift, so they could discuss what to do going in, and could also debrief right after. Ashlyn didn’t mind it, per se, just felt conflicted about suddenly sharing all of her well valued time and privacy with a group of people that, up until a few months ago, she had never interacted with in her life.
So, unable to sleep, she listened. Everyone else was asleep already, and she could hear each of them breathing. She’d never realised how much people’s personalities shine through, even in their sleep. Maybe especially in their sleep.
The twins were in the hammocks in the back, their breathing perfectly in time with one another, though Tyler sounded like a hurricane was forcing its way into and out of his lungs with every breath, and Taylor’s breath was as light as a butterfly. He almost drowned her out. Almost. But that’s how the twins just were, Ashlyn mused, they balanced each other. You can’t have one without the other.
“Ashlyn, GO BACK!!”
Another sharp swerve, the door swinging wildly. Ben clawing at Taylor, desperately trying to keep her from following-
She shook her head, and reminded herself for the twentieth time that night, that Tyler was fine. He was curled up, close to his sister, with no phantoms or dangerous cliff drives in sight.
Following the bus down, Logan had curled up into a booth, stuffing himself as far as he comfortably could into the corner, though Ashlyn wasn’t sure how he could ever be comfortable like that. He always slept with a gun in his reach when around the others. She wasn’t sure if it’s a habit he kept up at home, though she couldn’t see how it would be. Logan’s breathing was shaky, like a child just on the verge of crying. It reminded her of a winter breeze, and pinecones. Every now and then, he would softly murmur something in his sleep, faded and muffled by the blankets. Ashlyn couldn’t tell what he was saying, but he was always the one that reminded her how young they all were. They were only kids, and something about Logan’s persistent timidness that followed him even into sleep forced her to confront the unfairness of the situation. Despite that though, he had the most even and regular pattern of them all.
She had come to rely on that steady presence. He might seem like a small, scared nerd way out of his depth, but weren’t they all massively out of their depth? Logan’s incredible ability to stay steady in moments of blind panic had kept all of them alive more times than she could count. He’d saved all of their lives, multiple times. Especially hers.
Turning over, she focused in on Ben.
Ben was the only one of the group she had to actually listen out for, since it was so quiet, He breathed slowly, but shallowly, so it was almost silent. It never ceased to amaze Ashlyn how someone so calm and kind could have so much anger. And even more than that, he had been through all of the same Hell that the others had, but he never seemed to break. He had stayed the rock of the group from the very beginning.
It made her idly wonder if she should ask what therapist he went to, because clearly they had helped a lot, if everything Aiden said was true.
Speaking of Aiden, he was the one closest to her. He was sleeping on a seat next to her makeshift bed, so that they were parallel with each other. Aiden had an oddly average breathing pattern. In and out, there wasn’t anything unique about it, which didn’t sit right with Ashlyn. Aiden was the kind of person that personality shone through, she didn’t think he could tamp it if he tried. Not that she had ever seen him try. Aiden “I literally laugh in the face of danger” Clark should have the kind of breathing pattern that marks him out immediately. The kind she should be able to hear walking down the corridor, late to class again. The kind of person to play “Party Walers” to distract the literal demon Phantom monsters actively out for their blood, because it’s “a good song.”
It made her wonder, not for the first time, about the gloomy child she had seen in the photo. Aiden joked that the only difference was that he bleached his hair now, but if she didn’t know whose house she was in, she would have assumed it was a complete stranger. He was so completely unrecognisable he might as well have been. She wanted to ask him about it, but didn’t know how. He probably wouldn’t even want her to, he seemed pretty determined to avoid the topic at all costs, which, for Aiden, meant a lot of costs.
Hitch
That’s the fifth time in as many minutes his breath had caught like that. Rolling over, Ashlyn saw that, while at first glance, he looked to be calmly asleep, his chin was tucked further into himself than usual, and his shoulders were shaking ever so slightly. If she hadn’t been looking, she probably wouldn’t have noticed, they were moving so little they didn’t even rustle the blanket he was sleeping under.
A nightmare.
It hurt her to see him like this. Even in sleep he put so much effort into not showing any pain. And she knew he had a lot of it.
If only she could shine it away like they did the phantoms.
Slowly, careful not to make any sound, Ashlyn started to sit up.
Aiden released a silent huff, and that slight gave the moon an opening to illuminate the sharp, clear streaks on his face.
He was crying.
That was the final push Ashlyn needed to make up her mind. She slowly got into a crouching position to be eye-level with him, and started to reach over to gently tap him awake.
As soon as he fingertips brush his shoulder, he sprung awake, grabbing her wrist before she had a second to process what had happened.
Ashlyn wanted to say something, anything, to help him realise where he was: that he was safe, that he was awake, that no one was going to hurt him. That it was just her.
But he was staring into her eyes with such blind panic she had no idea what to say. He still basically hadn’t made a sound, which was terrifying in and of itself, because Ashlyn doesn’t think she’s ever met someone less prone to doing anything quietly. And now she couldn’t hear a peep from him.
They stayed like that for a while, like time had caught and frozen the moment their skin touched. The moonlight shone through the windows of the bus, while Ashlyn crouched on her mattress, close enough to count every line in his irises, while her best friend stared into her soul with a glassy haze in her eyes that made her understand what people meant when they said doll’s eyes. He looked like death was still deciding whether or not to let him go.
Ashlyn had never been this close to anyone like this before. Sure, she’d been held by her parents more times than she could count. They were her parents and she loved them, and they loved her, and she was eternally grateful for that. She isn’t sure she could make it this far without them.
And she loved her friends. People she now wasn’t afraid to say that about. They all piled up together from exhaustion and fear all the time. Ashlyn had been forced to get used to physical contact far faster than she had ever intended. She’d never even wanted friends, and now she has 5 people she would kill and die for without question, people she trusted with her life. This wasn’t the first time she’d been this close to Aiden, but it was always Aiden that instigated it. He had a knack for ignoring personal space, but she had noticed since their conversation that he was much better at gauging when to push and when to let her be.
But this was different. This time, Ashlyn had gone to Aiden, and now, trapped in his gaze, she was utterly at a loss for how to help.
Almost in a daze, her right hand moved to gently touch his cheek. Aiden’s eyes, still glassy, followed her every movement, until she was holding his face with one hand, the other one trapped in a death grip.
Aiden shut his eyes then, and Ashlyn almost expected that to be the end of it, until he let out the tiniest whisper of a cry. Like a lost puppy looking for it’s owner in the dark, and once again, she made up her mind.
“Come on,” she whispered, and gently pulled at the arm still holding her wrist.
His eyes flew open again, btu Ashlyn was relieved to see that they didn’t open quite as wide, and there was recognition in his face, behind the mask of fear and confusion.
Slowly, so as to not wake the others, or alarm Aiden further, she lead him off the bus, and walked to the wall of the graveyard, so no one could hear them.
Looking down, she realised with a jolt that at some point Aiden had slipped his hand into hers instead of holding her wrist. But when she tried to pull away, his grip tightened and he practically fell into her.
Ashlyn had no idea how long they stood there, embracing each other, Aiden quietly sobbing into her shoulder, but eventually, the tension eased from his shoulders, and the shaking stopped. When he eventually pulled back, Ashlyn was relieved to see his eyes clear of the panic from earlier, instead they looked hollow. The image of him as a child flashed before her again, and the only thing stopping her from pulling straight back in was the ghost of a grin on hist lips.
“Sorry,”
“Don’t be-”
“Do you need to sit down?” He asked, shocking her into realising that, yes, she did need to sit down, her knees and hips were killing her, and her shoulders ached from holding him. She hadn’t realised anyone in the group knew about that.
“How did you…”
She wasn’t even sure exactly what she was asking, but he just shrugged, flashed her a poor excuse for a smile, and lead them to some tires a few feet away from them.
They sat on a massive tire, next to each other, but with their feet in the middle, so that they were still facing.
“I suppose you want me to talk about it?” Aiden asked, his tone unplaceable.
“If you want to,”
“Mmh,”
They sat there for a bit, till Aiden asked if he could massage her shoulders.
“Erm,”
“You don’t have to, I just find it easier to talk about this stuff when I’m doing something, and I can’t see the other persons face. And also, I thought you might need it, what with leading the team and all..” he sheepishly ended.
“Ok”
“Ok?”
“Yeah,” she turned, pulling her hair over her shoulders, falling down over her dads old beat up band T.
He started at the base of her neck, gentle but firm. Ashlyn wanted to ask if he’d done this before, but was too scared that would break the delicate balance of the moment.
“My parents weren’t really around much,” he started, and Ashlyn was glad she didn’t speak, happy to let him tell her anything he was comfortable with.
“Not in a bad way, you know, they never, like, hit me or anything. They just- I don’t know man, they thought parenting meant a roof over my head and money in my pocket. And I’m grateful for that, really. I was lucky to born with everything I’ve got. I just… I just wanted them to be my parents for a bit, you know?”
He worked his way along the top of her shoulders, easing out any roots he found along the way, and Ashlyn felt herself float away with the moment.
“I never really had any friends, what with the whole moving around thing, and even when there were other kids around, no one wanted to be friends with the gloomy rich kid. And I know! I know it’s a privilege to have everything I do, and I’m grateful I swear, I just-”
Ashlyn reached up and took his hand. She still couldn’t see him, but she could feel him tense up, and then relax. A few deep breaths, and continued massaging her shoulder with his available hand.
“Look, it just. It wasn’t a good time for me. I don’t wanna talk about it, but it was hard. I’m sorry,”
“Stop apologising,”
“What?”
“I’ve never heard you apologise this much in your life,” she said, turning to face him. Something about the movement must have disturbed him, because when she met his eyes, he completely froze. She realised just how close they were at the same time as she noticed how the moonlight made his hair practically glow in the breeze. He suited blond better, she absently thought, before snapping herself out of it.
“Sorry,” she said, quickly turning back around, trying to hide her growing blush from the proximity.
“Hey,” he caught her shoulder, “What did you just say about apologising?”
Figuring the shadows were hiding her blush, she stayed facing him, and gave him another smile, sheepishly grateful for having her own words used against her.
Aiden took her hand in his and leant against her. They stayed like that a while, until Aiden broke off to look at her, concern evident in his brown eyes.
“Are you alright, do you need to go back inside?”
It took her a second to process what he said, but when she did a warm pebble dislodged from somewhere deep inside her and settled in her chest, warming every breath.
“I’m alright. I don’t think I could sleep right now anyway,”
“No, I mean, yeah I don’t think I’ll be sleeping tonight either, but, can you just sit out in the cold like this until school? Won’t that hurt?”
This time the pebble exploded, and Ashlyn couldn’t contain the smile she felt bursting out.
“Oh. No I’ll be alright, I just need something to lean on really…”
“Ok, well, how about I go get some blankets, and you find somewhere we can sit?”
“How about, you push this tire to the wall, and I’ll go get blankets, I don’t think anyone in our group is worse at stealth,”
“What?! Not even Tyler?”
“No, not even Tyler,” she chuckled, turning back to the bus with a fond smile.
When she reached it, she crept her way in and grabbed the first few blankets she could find, including hers and Aiden’s that they were supposed to be sleeping in right now. Oh well, she supposed this is the next best thing. She also grabbed a jumper each, and some cushions.
When she got back, Aiden was grinning like a fool, looking far too proud of his objectively simple achievement.
“Oooh, cushions, good call,”
“Shut up, and help set this all up,”
“Yes, boss!”
“Don’t call me that.”
They spent the next 10 minutes wrapping each other up in blankets, huddling against the wall of what had become their fort, not talking much. It was nice, easy, and Ashlyn was starting to see why people would want a friendship like this. They settled in together, and waited for morning leaning against each other for support and warmth, and Ashlyn didn’t think she could ever be more comfortable.
They sat like that for hours, until Aiden suddenly pulled back, grinning in a manner that immediately put Ashlyn on edge, but in a comfortable, familiar way. Like when her parents surprised her with family trips on a random Wednesday.
“Let’s make a deal,”
“No.”
“Come on, you haven’t even heard the deal!”
“Fine, what is it, then?” Ashlyn was feeling more and more like a fly getting closer to the irresistible syrup. The way his grin only grew did not alleviate any of her fears.
“When we get through all this, I’ll go to therapy, and you’ll go to a doctor,”
“I have been to doctors, I’m fine-”
“Ash, people should not be able to bend like that, ballet dancer or not,”
Desperately hiding her soft blush at the nickname, she tried another angle to get this crazy boy to see reason.
“I think we’re all going to need therapy if we make it out of this mess,” she huffed.
“Yes, but I’ll go to therapy for my shitty childhood, and you’ll find out why you snap like a glowstick every time you move. And it’s when,”
“What?”
“When we get out of this mess, not if,”
Ashlyn had no idea how to respond to that. She had no idea how he could sound so sure. It made her wonder if they’d picked the best person to lead them. Aiden clearly took her silence to mean she was considering it.
“Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s noticed. And if I am, that doesn’t matter, cuz you’re the only person that can tell when I’m having a nightmare. We look out for each other, that’s what the deal’s for,”
“I-”
But she couldn’t come up with a rebuff. A whole lifetime of dodging every social expectation and engagement ever set for her, and she couldn’t come up with a single reason to say no.
He wasn’t the only person to have noticed, obviously. Her parents had their concerns, even the occasional teacher would bring it up. But so far, she just kept pushing it off, scared she wouldn’t be able to do ballet anymore. But sitting here, holding her friend the same way she did as he died in her arms, she felt her priorities shift. It scared her, and she didn’t know what this would mean for the future of their group, or whatever she had left of a life, or even just for her and the boy in her arms, but she was willing to try. Tyler was right: they’d faced scarier things than high school.
“Ok,” she breathed.
For a while, she wasn’t sure Aiden had heard her – she could sometimes struggle to tell what other people could or could not be expected to hear. But a while later, curled up against the hollow of her shoulder, he responded.
“Ok,” and she knew, somehow, that that decision meant as much to him as it did her. With one small pact, they were both completely different people. But for now, they would curl up and watch the sun rise.