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"What if we kissed on the vivisection table?"
The sinner and the victim.
It hurts, it hurts, the blood and the knife, but it's there
the love is there
For a moment, it's all gone-the pain, it's all gone
For a moment, the world is thrust into confusion
Time stops. the hurt stops.
For a moment.
I’m being cut open, and you- you're smiling.
It hurts it hurts it hurts
but I love you
That kiss, is enough to send me to dammination
There is no anger, no rage, no animosity
there is the love
and the kiss
Like how pain is love
And blood is love too
What if we kissed on the vivisection table, you and I
and I stopped, for a moment
and you continued
and went right back to cutting, as if nothing ever happened
and I, was staring up into the ceiling
as if everything became okay, and it was all forgivable
and that I still loved you, despite the hurt?
Kunikida smiled, and picked up the scalpel again.
Ah...it was always the same.
I love you...
I love you so much, it hurts.
It hurts.
Blood flowed from the wound again.
It hurts so much.
Kunikida, I...
I still forgive you.
But he said nothing, only keeping that oh so loving smile on his face, as if he were a saint unmarred by blood and pain and sin.
Dazai smiles at him, but he can’t speak.
Can’t tell him it hurts, can’t tell him how much he loves him.
He feels the blood trickle down his throat, his arms and onto his wrists.
He remains motionless, following along with every movement his partner makes. Every cut. Every glide and slice of the knife.
Cut.
The scalpel drew blood once more.
A straight line that turned red, then distorted from all the dripping and bleeding.
It was precise, neat, uniform. It was straight, like his future, like a path laid out before him. Bold red, like the strings of fate that bound him.
Dazai, did not scream.
He's still smiling.
Kunikida...why?
Why, oh why?
Why do you have to smile?
Why did you have to kiss me?
I can't even hate you anymore...
I love you.
It hurts.
I love you.
Dazai keeps his eyes on Kunikida, trying to keep from wincing, trembling, or crying out in pain.
The blood runs warm and thick over his wrists, soaking his cuffs and the bandages.
The scalpel slides under his skin, causing him to flinch but he doesn’t make a noise.
He just keeps watching Kunikida's face as the scalpel moves with deadly precision.
Watching as his partner cuts him open with a gentle smile.
Then he stops.
He puts the knife down.
"Dazai."
He says, his voice is not worried, nor disheartened, nor regretful.
"I love you."
He says, and he smiles again.
As if he wasn't doing all this.
As if he was innocent.
Another kiss, and it sends Dazai back to nothingness and a full feeling all at once.
Suddenly, it doesn't hurt anymore.
For a few moments.
Dazai seems to stop trembling.
Everything feels...warm. Comfortable. It's a peaceful feeling, almost like he's being lulled to sleep.
The blood is still dripping, but it doesn't seem to bother him.
He closes his eyes.
He says it again, this time slowly and with emphasis.
"I love you."
Then he picks up the knife again.
As if nothing ever happened.
I love you.
I love you I love you I love you.
Ah, I'm so cold...
Your smile is so warm...so bright...
Dazai's smile gets a bit wider as his thoughts start to become a bit foggy and confused, but still, he doesn't open his eyes.
He's still aware of where he is, and is perfectly fine with the feeling of the scalpel under his skin.
The blood running down his wrists, still no noise.
Just those steady breaths.
What if we kissed on the vivisection table?
How...strange. How comforting. How confusing.
He doesn't understand.
He never can.
He remains completely still, almost frozen to the table.
It's a strange sensation, but a welcome one.
He feels warm, almost too warm. He's aware of things, but not fully focused.
Something about the scalpel under his skin feels comforting and safe; almost as if it's caressing him instead of hurting him.
He kept going on.
Kept cutting. Kept cutting. Kept telling Dazai he loved him.
"Dazai."
"I love you."
He says it once more.
No matter how much he says it, it never becomes repetitive.
Then he opens his mouth again and says something else.
"Dazai."
"I love you, that's why."
"That's why I'm cutting you open."
"Don't you understand?"
"I love you."
Dazai smiles back, somewhat pained, somewhat empty, somewhat still filled with love.
"Kunikida..."
"Kunikida..."
He can’t get any other words out. But it’s alright.
The love is there. And he can feel it.
"I love you."
"I love you."
He kisses his partner again. His lips are warm, so soft, unlike the cold and painfully sharp scalpel.
"That's why."
"I..love...you..."
Dazai's words are so strained and breathy that it's barely understandable. He starts to feel a little giddy, and wants to laugh, but he's not sure why. Maybe it's the feeling of blood loss kicking in.
He's on the table, pure white like a sacrificial altar.
His beloved is leaning over him, cutting him open with a knife.
Telling him that he loves him.
As if he's innocent like a saint.
He kept smiling, kept showering Dazai with affection, kept cutting.
Why, oh why?
He won't die, he knows.
There's an IV drip nearby, and a few bags of blood too, ready to be connected to himself at a moment's notice.
Kunikida watches him lay on the altar.
The table.
He cuts him open because he loves him.
Dazai continues to lay there, his entire body relaxed.
That feeling of trust in his partner, and the faint taste of blood in his mouth, and the feeling of pain from the scalpel cutting him open, and yet… it's welcoming.
He can feel the scalpel digging into his skin and cutting into his insides, but he doesn't mind. This feels…nice.
Yes...that's right...
He loves him.
That's all he needs, isn't it?
He loves him, and therefore this all makes perfect sense.
He loves him, so he's hurting him in the way that he knows best- by cutting him open. This love, this warmth, is the most comforting thing Dazai has ever known. This is how love feels. To be hurt like this, it's all he needs.
This is the most important feeling in the entire world.
So Kunikida...
That smile, that look, that tender flick of the knife.
It's all love.
You love me you love me you love me.
It's true.
I can feel it now.
Kunikida kept smiling, kept cutting, kept telling him that he loved him.
Oh Kunikida...
I love you too.
I love you so very much, even if I can't tell you right now.
The thought that he can't tell Kunikida that he loves him right now doesn't bother him. He's fine as he is. He's fine with the feeling of the scalpel ripping into his skin and tearing him apart.
After all, this is just the way love feels.