Chapter Text
3:30 p.m.
On a Wednesday
Philadelphia, PA
The Gang was sitting at the bar, having some beers, and trying to come up with an idea that could draw more clients to their Saint Patrick’s celebration, which were becoming emptier every year. Frank, who was sitting on the stool by the corner, had suggested sabotaging their competing pubs. Sitting by the opposite corner of the bar, Dee had mentioned having another music contest. To which Dennis and Mac, placed next to each other in the middle of the bar, strongly disagreed.
“No, guys. St. Patrick’s Day is in two days already! We don’t have time to come up with any crazy plans. What we gotta do is lure more people to our pub, because they don’t seem to be interested in us lately”, said Mac, visibly concerned. He didn’t know much - or enjoyed - doing the accounting for the pub, but the lack of cash on his bank account recently was too big to ignore. They needed to take advantage of the holiday coming ahead to make as much cash as possible.
“Indeed! Our profits on this day have been decreasing year after year! We need something effective and basically costless to cover our losses. We’ve been wasting too much money lately”, Dennis agreed, nodding. As well as Mac, he has felt himself the impact of the lower income. Over the last months, he has barely been able to make ends meet in order to successfully complete the Engage Physically step on the D.E.N.N.I.S. system and he didn’t know how long he could go without any ladies at his reach.
With a big smile and hoping for his input to finally be accepted, Charlie, who was serving the beers from inside the bar, suggested. “What if we offer free booze to anyone who brings us a living leprechaun? That way I can finally see one of those bastards with my own eyes! I gotta take my three wishes” and he received a symphony of “ugh”s, “no”s and eye-rollings in response.
“Charlie, you know leprechauns aren’t real”, Frank tried to explain, knowing it wouldn’t have much effect on him. “Besides, anyone can grab a random small person on the street, show up here saying it’s the real thing and get drunk for free. And I don’t want my pub full of freaks!”
“Yeah, because there’s you already representing both the small people and the freaks at the same time!” Dee laughed, but was immediately cut by an angry Dennis. “Shut up, Dee. You are the major freak here!”. To which, Mac completed. “Yeah, shut up! You look like a bird, you freaky, ugly bird!”
“Alright, alright. I think I have an idea.” Frank interrupted. “Charlie, how much beer can you brew until tomorrow?” he inquired, already with a scheme in mind.
“Uhh… I dunno man, I guess a lot. Just gotta check the stock first”, Charlie didn’t know where this could go, but he was sure it was a good deal, given that it was Frank suggesting it, and Frank’s plans are (almost) always good plans. And Frank explained. “We could make a bunch of them and set a competition of who can drink more of this beer until the end of the night. Whoever wins, doesn’t pay the check!”
The Gang seemed skeptical of Frank’s plan, and Dennis inferred. “Wait, wait. Isn’t this just the same idea as Charlie’s? Because the winner may drink, I don’t know, gallons of beer for free either way”, but Frank had already thought it through.
“Yeah, he might. But this skunked beer would suck so badly that I very much doubt anyone would go beyond the second bottle. And if they do, you can bet your asses the poor bastard will be ejecting vomit all over the place quite soon”.
The Gang seemed puzzled by the proposal. If Charlie would manage to concoct a beverage so terrible to make the customers sick, this whole deal could actually work. So Mac took the lead. “Yeah… This might work… Let’s do that! I guess nothing bad could come from that, right? There is only going to be one winner anyway, the loss wouldn’t be that bad”.
Frank complemented his train of thought. “And compared to the amount of losers, and how expensive their checks are going to be, seems like a good deal!”
Dee still hadn’t bought the idea, so she asked. “Alright, but how are we going to keep track of that?”.
After some moments of pondering, Dennis stood up, walking to the office, and Mac shrugged. “We could just grab a marker and draw on their arms, not a big deal”. Then, Dennis came back, bringing a whiteboard. “And also put everybody’s names on here, erase the ones who are out, so we can see better how many are still in the contest and when we finally have our winner”
Unable to find another issue with Frank’s idea - or to give another suggestion in such short notice - the group agreed, nodding and humming. The Paddy’s Pub plan for this year’s St. Patrick’s Day was settled then.
The Gang quickly toasted. They were all feeling that this year’s celebration would be, finally, a good one, with a full house and lots of money coming ahead. “Great, so off to work, Charlie!” Dennis commanded, and Charlie happily gave a thumbs-up, heading down to the basement to start “brewing” the worst beer possible.