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Three knocks on my door.
I lazily open my eyes and grab my phone: it’s almost 5 am, maybe I am just dreaming? So I grunt and turn to the side, closing my eyes again.
Three more knocks.
Goddamnit! Who could be such a fucker to come at my doorstep at this ungodly hour? Maybe if I ignore it, the person would just go away. Nothing is more urgent than my sleep, right?
Wait, what day is it today?
A cold rush of adrenaline runs through my body as I hear the knocking one more time.
Charlie is supposed to be back from Ireland today! What if something happened? Something must be wrong for someone to be knocking so late!
I jump out of bed and run barefoot in my pajamas to the front door. No time to get decent or grab my slippers.
A million different possibilities run around my head. Did he lose his keys to his apartment? It wouldn’t be the first time… Did Frank kick him out? It wouldn’t be unprecedented as well…
Another cold shiver makes me stop in my tracks in front of the door. What if it’s something worse? Has he gotten arrested? What if he had an accident? Is he in the hospital? Or could he…? Oh no…!
I quickly open the door and there is Charlie! I put a hand on top of my heart and let out a sigh of relief. Phew, he is ok!
Or is he?
He just looks at me with weary eyes and both hands in the pockets of his jeans, looking so small, so forlorn… I have never seen him like that and it absolutely breaks my heart in a million pieces.
I need to understand what happened.
“Hey… Are you ok?” – I ask, with a sweet voice, almost afraid of breaking him by saying the wrong thing.
He doesn’t answer. Instead, he opens his arms and embraces me in the tightest hug he’s ever given me, as if his life depends on me. I reciprocate, holding him so close to me that I can feel his fast heartbeat and erratic breath, like he is about to cry.
“What’s wrong?” I ask. He shakes his head against my chest, signaling that he doesn’t want to talk, and squeezes me even harder, if that’s even possible.
Now my heart starts racing. In all these years I’ve known Charlie, it’s been quite clear he isn’t a fan of touching. Holding hands, for instance, has only happened on pretty rare occasions. So, for him to just show up and hold me like this… He must really be in need of this hug.
I just close my eyes and start caressing him, stroking his hair and back, trying to soothe him.
All I want is to take his pain away. My Charlie… I’ve never seen him so deeply hurt, and I never want to see him like this again.
I don’t know – or actually don’t care – how long we just stay there at my doorstep, until he lets go of me ever so slightly and looks straight into my eyes. I give him a small reassuring smile, trying to tell him without words that I’m willing to do anything to make him feel better.
He takes a deep breath.
“Can we please go inside?” His voice is so small and fragile, almost like a whisper.
“Sure”, I nod.
Then he reluctantly lets go of my embrace. I take his hand and bring him inside, closing the door behind us. My poor Charlie… He is looking so lethargic, paralyzed by sadness. I sigh. There must be something – anything – I could do for him.
“Do you want anything? I don’t know… A cup of tea, a warm sho–”
“No”, he interrupts me, sounding really worn off, as if he has heard those words a million times before. “Let’s just… go to bed”.
“Mm-hm”.
I give him an understanding smile and take him to the bedroom, never letting go of his hand. He sits on the corner of his side of the bed, kicks out his shoes and sighs loudly, while running his hands through his hair, remaining silent with his head down for some instants.
I just watch in silence as I lay down. I feel my heartbeat steadying up, now that I know he is going to be safe with me.
He slowly stands up, takes his jeans and jacket off, keeping only his t-shirt and underpants on. Then he turns around with a lecherous look on his face and crawls onto bed in my direction.
He catches me off guard when he lustfully presses his lips on mine. And, of course, I kiss him back. I would never not kiss my Charlie.
As the kiss deepens, he puts one of his hands on the back of my neck and it goes slowly down my body, until it reaches the waistband from my shorts, threatening to pull them down.
Having his rough but gentle hands on my body always feels incredible. But something isn’t adding up.
It doesn’t seem right to have sex with him in such a vulnerable state.
Against my will, I place my hand on his chest and gently push him away, trying to interrupt the kiss. He doesn’t comply and presses his lips harder against mine.
I shake my head, and try pushing him away again, now with both my hands on his shoulders. He still doesn’t let go of me, as his grip on my hips gets stronger, a little painful even.
I wince and instinctively retract myself, trying to get away from him. He notices and suddenly breaks the kiss with an annoyed huff. His eyebrows are furrowed in an angry frown as he stares deep down into my eyes.
“What?”
“Is that what you wanna do now, Charlie?”
“Sure!” He snorts, frustrated. “Don’t you want to have sex with me?”
“Well, of course I do. It’s just that–”
“What’s the matter, then?” He interrupts me.
“Look, I can see you’re hurting”, I can’t hold back a concerned look that falls on my face. “I just don’t want to take advantage of your vulnerability, alright?”
“Pfff, who’s vulnerable? Me? Nooo… I’m fine”, he scoffs with a half-smile, trying to sound nonchalant.
“You sure? You didn’t seem so well when you arrived”.
I see his cool expression falling down into a sadder one, but he tries to conceal it by kissing my neck. I sigh, a little annoyed, and pull him away to look at me again.
“Charlie”, my voice is soft, but has a scolding undertone. “What’s wrong?”
His face slowly falls down, avoiding my gaze. A pained expression comes in and I can see some tears forming on the corner of his eyes.
“I– I don’t… There’s a lot…” He vaguely gesticulates around his head.
I see his struggle to come up with the right words to explain what is going on inside his head and can’t let him suffer like this.
“Shhh”, I place my pointer finger on top of his lips. “C’mere, babe”, and pull him closer to lay down by my side.
He promptly accedes, hugging me tight once again and placing his head on my chest. I start caressing his hair, reassuring him, trying to keep him safe inside my embrace, away from the hurting even if it’s just a little.
After a while, I feel his breath steadying up. So I check on him one more time.
“Are you feeling better?”
His answer comes in a nod against my chest.
“Do you want to tell me what happened?”
“Maybe tomorrow. I think I want to sleep now”.
“No problem. I’ll be here for you whenever you feel ready, okay?”
He nods again, and I nod back in agreement.
We remain silent for a few minutes and I allow myself to relax. When I am about to fall asleep, I feel Charlie moving, a little uneasy.
“Is everything ok?”
“Yeah, it’s just…”
He is trying to say something, but the words aren’t coming out.
“You know that I… Um…”
Luckily for him, I know exactly what he means. Those three words… It’s never been easy for him to let them out.
I place a kiss on his forehead and hold him closer.
“I know. And so do I”.
I can see he understands what I mean as well, as another sigh escapes from him. This time, a much more relaxed one, almost like a purr. And I smile, happy to know his heart is in a calmer place now.
Whatever happened in Ireland is a matter for tomorrow.