Work Text:
Buck wasn’t sure how long he had been sitting outside when Eddie came to find him. He had probably been away from the rehearsal dinner for far too long if someone had come to look for him but he couldn’t help but feel the need to get away from all the noise. He loved his sister and his friends but the actually important part was over and everyone was starting to get a little tipsy and a lot rowdier than he was prepared to deal with. It turns out that discovering a whole new part of yourself takes a lot out of you.
“Buck, are you okay?” Eddie asks softly as he takes a seat across from him. “You’ve been out here for a while and I think Maddie might have noticed that her brother disappeared.”
The last thing he wanted was to make Maddie and Chimney’s big day about his newfound sexuality crisis, but it was starting to seem unavoidable. “I’m fine. I just needed some fresh air and a quiet place to think for a minute.”
“Yeah, it’s kind of a lot in there right now. I think Albert is about one drink away from getting up on a table. ” Buck lets out a small laugh at that image but Eddie can tell it’s mostly for show. He knows him too well and understands that a distraction is not needed, nor would one work. This is a serious conversation and Eddie’s never been good at guessing games “Listen you can’t keep this all inside forever. Do you want to talk about it?” There's a beat between them as Buck remains silent, fidgeting slowly with the last button on his shirt. “Or we could just sit for a while. I can do that too”
“Do you think you’ll ever get married again?” Buck blurts out, almost shocking himself.
This question gets a full laugh out of Eddie. One that Buck can’t help but smile at. “You needed to get away to think about if I will get married again?”
“No, I just- I mean.” He stutters, not entirely sure where the question even came from. “I guess I’ve just been thinking a lot about my future lately. ” For the past few weeks, it felt like all Buck could do was think. He’s stayed up late at night thinking about old friends and moments with them that maybe weren’t as straight as he had once convinced himself. He had mainly kept to himself between calls at work, thinking about what his life might look like with a boyfriend, or even someday a husband. It was an added variable in an equation Buck had forgotten to consider. “Like how can I be sure about what I want when I never even realized that men were an option for me.”
Eddie sighs at this, wondering if there was a way for him to calm his best friend's racing thoughts. He’s always known that Buck had a tendency to overthink and wished he knew how to help. There had to be a way, but it's lost on him. Most of the time Eddie would rather not think about his issues at all, but he knows Buck is not wired like him. Maybe that’s part of why they work so well together. “It’s okay Buck. Not everyone figures everything out when they’re young.”
“Are you seriously calling me old right now?”
“I am not saying you’re old. I’m just saying that you have plenty of time to figure out what you’re looking for. I mean, I’m not entirely sure I know what I want.”
“What do you mean?”
“I guess I’ve thought about remarrying someday if I found the right person ,” He puts quotations around the last part like it’s such a cliche to even say. “If marriage was even something that they wanted, but I don’t think I would need it to be happy.”
“You don’t?” Maybe it’s growing up with an older sister who dreamed of weddings when they were young, maybe it was the countless hours of rom-coms he had watched when he needed a distraction from the real world, or maybe Buck had just always been a bit of a romantic. Even after countless one-night stands and heartbreaks, he’d never stopped looking for that connection that seemed so rare to find.
Eddie’s head tilts, eyes squinting a bit in a way that is all too familiar to Buck. He always looks like this when he’s thinking too hard about something. “I married my high school sweetheart and maybe that’s the one great love I’m meant to have.” Eddie isn’t sure if proposing after getting your first girlfriend pregnant and then spending the majority of the marriage living thousands of miles apart counts as love but it’s the closest he’s ever had. “I have an amazing family, both back home and here with the 118. And then there’s Christopher. How could I want anything more when I have the best kid in the entire world.”
“Yeah,” Buck pauses for a moment. Eddie has all he could ever need , and so does Buck. He has an amazing sister who has always made sure to look out for him, even when his parents have failed to. He loves his job and the people it has brought to him. This whole weekend is everything he could have dreamed of, his two families officially becoming one. It's just a question now of what he wants . Something he’s never really been sure about, or maybe something he’s just never taken the time to contemplate. He’s always lived life feeling like his happiness needed to be earned. But hearing the subtle laughter from inside reminds Buck of how much love has been given to him, not in spite of, but simply…because. And maybe, it was time for him to accept it. “Looks like you've got all your bases covered then.” He says so softly that Eddie can hardly hear him over the muffled music and cheers from inside.
“And I guess if I get really lonely and I need someone to annoy there’s always you”
“Me?” Buck taunts. “So you’re saying I rank above the rest of the team?”
“C’mon, you already knew that.” Eddie catches his gaze with a soft glint in his eye, before Buck shifts, moving his hand to cover a sly smile and subtle head shake. “I mean, none of the rest of them are in my will.”
Buck laughs softly “Yeah I guess so,” A silence falls between the two. For the first time in the weeks since Tommy knocked on his apartment door and changed his life forever, Buck feels at peace in his head. After a while, he clears his throat. “Thanks for coming to check on me and listening to my ramble about all of this. I don’t think I knew how badly I needed to get some of these thoughts out of my head.”
“I’m here for you anytime you need to talk, Evan. You shouldn’t keep everything to yourself all the time.” He stands and reaches his hand out to help Buck up from his seat, “Now let’s get back inside, I’m cold and I’m sure there’s a certain bride who wants to see her brother.”