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Jing Yuan knew what was best for Dan Heng, to let him lead a new life, free from Dan Feng’s past and to become his own person. This was the least he could do, after all. He is not a greedy man, Jing Yuan doesn’t wish for many things except the safety of his people as the general, and the prosperity of the Xianzhou. But, being selfish every now and then doesn’t hurt, after all, he has been selfless all this time. Always putting people’s needs before himself because that’s his role, a guiding light to the people who need it. But every once in a while, he hopes that the hand of the man he loves would reach out to him, and caress his cheeks, telling him that everything would be okay.
All he ever wanted was for Dang Heng’s eyes to look his way, to see him much more than a friend. Maybe he is greedy for thinking this way, but why does Blade, out of everyone, get to feel the warmth of Dan Heng’s hands on his cheeks? Why does he get to be the one to hold Dan Heng’s waist and whisper sweet nothings in his ear. That should be him, that should be Jing Yuan who should be living such a life. But alas, it cannot be helped. He is not the one Dan Heng chooses to love, and he cannot force someone to love him back the way he does.
“General?” A familiar voice rang through Jing Yuan’s ears as he looked at the man who sat beside him, Dan Heng.
Why is he here? Did Jing Yuan fall asleep? The general shook his head, putting up that soft smile on his face that would make anyone believe he is doing fine when in reality, he isn’t. Though, Dan Heng is the last person Jing Yuan wanted to see at this time.
“Can I help you, Dan Heng?” The way the other man’s name came out of the general’s lips was much softer than he intended it to be that it made Jing Yuan clench his fist. How could someone make him feel like this? Like his heart is being pulled out of his body and being consumed in the process.
“I wanted to visit you. You haven’t been in the Astral Express for a while. I got worried.” Even with such simple words, Jing Yuan felt like he was on cloud nine. It has always been this way.
Dan Heng could say the simplest, most comforting words and Jing Yuan’s world would spin unlike any other. He supposed it felt nice, to have someone who he loved dearly be so worried about his entire being. But that thought would come crashing down once Jing Yuan comes back to reality. Dan Heng is only worried because they’re friends, nothing more and nothing less.
“I’m doing well. I’m simply busy these days. I apologize for making you worry.” Jing Yuan says in a reassuring tone. Of course that was a lie, well, part of it was. He has been in fact busy around the Xianzhou but not to the point he couldn’t visit the Astral Express, he just didn’t want to see Dan Heng’s face.
That sounded bad, because it was true.
Jing Yuan never truly believed in the concept of worshiping aeons, or any higher being for that matter. Whenever he would see someone devote their lives to a higher being that wouldn’t even look or breathe their way, it made him feel… confused, because how could someone get on their knees and beg with tears in their eyes as their voice turns hoarse from screaming? The concept was very foreign to him. Not until Dan Heng came into the picture, no, way before that. Dan Feng.
As a child, Jing Yuan didn’t put much thought to his feelings towards Dan Feng. He was older after all, and it’d be weird if he had developed feelings for someone who is much more older than he is, and vice versa. But as he came of age, Jing Yuan started noticing a shift within his feelings. Back then, he would simply brush it off as being nervous around grown ups, but of course, he could no longer use that excuse whenever his heart races fast around Dan Feng, how his body trembled with the slightest hold of those soft fingers, and when Dan Feng calls his name, it felt as though Jing Yuan’s world became much brighter.
This feeling didn’t go away, and Jing Yuan felt like he deserves to be punished for the way he thinks whenever he sees Blade with Dan Heng. He should be supportive of his friends, and the way they love each other, but he couldn’t bring himself to do so. Everytime he sees Blade holding Dan Heng’s hand, Jing Yuan felt his world collapsing. He doesn’t even know why he couldn’t let go of Dan Heng, but as he gives more thought into it, he’s starting to come into a realization.
Jing Yuan sees Dan Heng as his salvation, his god. This man couldn’t see anyone else taking Dan Heng’s place in his life because of his devotion towards him. Dan Heng is someone unattainable to Jing Yuan, a person he cannot claim and keep for himself for he belongs to someone else already, and that is what keeps pulling Jing Yuan more towards Dan Heng, the unrequited love that lingers deep within him.
As Dan Heng looks at Blade with adoration in his eyes, he simply doesn’t even realize Jing Yuan’s devotion towards him, like he was some sort of saint that has saved Jing Yuan from something that could change the trajectory of his life. As Blade and Dan Heng pour their heart out for one another, Jing Yuan was simply left in the shadows of their love, admiring from afar as he knows that Dan Heng will never look at him the way he looks at Blade.
“Take some rest every now and then, it’s bad to overwork yourself.” Dan Heng softly says as he looked around, his eyes darting everywhere but Jing Yuan’s own that were looking at him as if he was a beautiful sculpture within the center of a museum who is being admired by many visitors.
If only Dan Heng knew that Jing Yuan was drowning himself in his work was because of him. So that Jing Yuan could bury these feelings he has for Dan Heng. It cannot be helped that Jing Yuan wants to feel Dan Heng’s love at some point. He bets that his love would feel like a warm blanket wrapping around his body on a cold night, or a calm wave as the sun begins to set and the stars took over the dimly lit sky above.
“I know. I appreciate the concern.” Jing Yuan replied, trying to hide the pain that was creeping to leave his lips and the tears that threatened to pour out his eyes like a waterfall.
It felt weird to Jing Yuan. Despite his initial thoughts of seemingly disliking Blade, he couldn’t bring himself to actually dislike nor hate him. He couldn’t bring himself to dislike Dan Heng and Blade, no matter what he tries to do, his heart is tied to theirs, and as long as the two men were happy with what they have, then Jing Yuan will be too.
As Dan Heng bid his farewell to Jing Yuan, he wanted to reach out to him and pull him into a warm embrace, but he remained seated as Dan Heng left his sight, and those tears began to pour down his cheeks. Maybe in another universe, he and Dan Heng would spend the night counting the stars, and sleep in each other’s arms.